Older men dating younger women. “No. Don’t Publish it.”

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – May 1, 2020

by Newspaper Columnist Tom Blake

                Older men dating younger women. “No. Don’t publish it.”

Cranking out 52 eNewsletters a year can be a challenge. Not to mention, 36 newspaper columns on top of that. So, when I receive information from someone that I feel might be of interest, beneficial or entertaining to readers, it helps to be able to use the information.

But, at times, I receive a communication with words like these: “This is very private information—to be shared only with you. No. don’t publish it.”

Some of those letters are two or three pages long. Often, with no paragraph breaks. Just one mass of information. Wading through them takes time.

I wonder what the authors of those letters expect. They want my opinion and time, but they don’t want me to use their information in articles.

When I mention they can remain anonymous, and not disclose their city, state, or identity, and mention that their info may benefit others, they still say “No. Don’t publish it.”

When I respond, “OK, I will answer your email, but since you asked me not to share it, please send me $100 for my time and expertise, before I proceed.” What happens?

In the old days when we had dial phones, I’d hear a click; the caller would hang up on me.

Now, in modern-email times, they simply don’t respond. And worse yet, if they are on our mailing list, they unsubscribe. Poof, they’re gone. Egad, I hate when that happens!

Today, I’m going to share a forbidden, “No. Don’t publish it” letter I received. I’ve been holding on to it for a while. Frankly, I’ve been dying to publish it, to share it with you Champs. The subject line: “Older men, younger women,” which is one of those hot-potato subjects.

Judy (Surprise! Judy is not her true name, I changed it.) wrote: “This is not for publication. When I was 30, I married a man 59.”

Of course, those few words got my attention, she married a man 29-years-older.

Sometimes, a 29-year age difference can work. Even in Portofino, Italy

                                                                                Photo by Tom Blake

She continued, “He had been my doctor for seven years, and had developed, in that time, into a treasured friend. Since he looked and acted about 70 or 75, I had always assumed he was sort of a kindly grandfather figure.”

So, in effect, to her, he seemed 40 to 45 years older.

Judy said, “When his marriage broke up, he asked me to marry him. I agreed to be engaged and to live together, as sort of a trial, and if that worked out, I would marry him.”

My thought: the trial was probably to see if they coexisted mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Judy added, “It worked out beautifully. We enjoyed each other’s company, slept together for six months, but without any sexual advances on either of our parts. He never kissed me or held my hand. (Sounds like the social distancing at home we are experiencing now). With that success behind us, we married.”

Interesting story, I thought. Made for each other, despite the age difference. But, not so.

Judy wrote, “Well, that was the end of the happy times. After the wedding, his true-self came out. HE WANTED SEX, which came as a surprise to me!

“Before marrying, I should have asked if he was expecting sex. If so, I would have declined. (He said I shouldn’t have married him if I felt that way).

“Well, luckily, my marriage to him brought every young, pretty gold-digger from miles around, out of the walls. They probably thought the reason I married him was because he was wealthy. (He wasn’t rich; he couldn’t manage money and was in debt).

“He left me to marry one of the young gold-diggers who came on to him. Now, he’s her problem, right?”

Signed, “No Name”

This letter I place in the “Entertainment” category. I’m completely baffled by it. And since she didn’t hang around long enough to hear my opinions, I’ll share them with you.

A few questions and observations:

What were each of them thinking? How can two people be engaged for six months, sleep in the same bed, never kiss, never hold hands and find that to be a successful result?” I wonder what her definition of success was. No sex? Zip? Zero? Nada?

Judy said, “Now, he’s her problem, right?” Well, maybe not. The new one might have enjoyed having sex with him.

Judy thought him to be a kindly, grandfather figure, who acted 70 to 75. Did she think a guy in that age range didn’t want sex? I’ve got news for her.

Did the good doctor think if he didn’t make advances for six months that getting married would unlock the door for post-wedding-day sex? I think a one-hour, pre-engagement conversation/agreement could have saved him six months of anticipation and licking his chops.

Since he was in debt and had no money, what was appealing to her about a 29-year-older man? Something is wrong with this picture.

One thing is clear: I understand why she didn’t want this published or her identity disclosed. If people she knew heard her story, they would have thought she had lost her marbles. They still might.

As I said, I’ve been dying to share this with you for a while. I think I’ve waited long enough. This letter was hand-written to me on September 22, 2001.

Now that I’ve finally published it, I will sleep a little easier. And, while sleeping easier, there will be no social distancing.

Author: Tom Blake

Tom Blake is a newspaper columnist in south Orange County, California. He has published five books. His primary topic is finding love after 50 and beyond, sometimes far beyond, for people 80 and older as well. He also blogs about travel at TravelAfter55.com.

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