Tom Blake columnist – Page 2 – On Life and Love after 50

Hanging out at the Pub Club

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 26, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

On January 30, 2024, I received this email from Anita Gorsch: “I’m the editor of the Laguna Woods Globe, a weekly publication by the Orange County Register for seniors in the Laguna Woods Village retirement community.
(Approximately 18,000 seniors live in Laguna Woods Village, in South Orange County, California).

Anita continued: “We want to write a story about seniors finding love for our Valentine’s issue. Would you be willing to be interviewed about that?”
I replied yes. We spoke the next day for 30 minutes.

On February 8, the Globe published Anita’s front page story, “Looking for romance? Senior dating pro can help.” (See photo above) She included information from our phone conversation.

On March 25, a woman named Dinah Lin emailed: “I am writing on behalf of the Pub Club (*Publishing Club) of Laguna Woods. Our President, Nancy Brown, was captivated by the recent front-page Globe article highlighting you and your most interesting life/career. She recommended I contact you as a potential presenter/speaker at one of our gatherings. I am the program chair.”

“The Pub Club” caught my interest. Wow, I’d be speaking to a group of beer and wine drinkers.

Sorry, Tom, this isn’t a drinking club, as Dinah explained, “Our members are writers, published authors, and authors-to-be and our programs focus on topics that would help them on this journey. Please let me know if this interests you. It would be July 17 from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.”

I responded, “Me? Speaking for two hours on writing to an accomplished group of writers? I’d put them all to sleep.”

Dinah and I eventually settled on senior dating as the topic, with me being interviewed by one of their members. My part would be about an hour plus ample time for questions and answers. On July 17, when I saw the room, I was pleased. It was ideal, with tables, approximately 80 chairs, and microphones that were fully charged and ready to go. Approximately 70 people attended.

Women outnumbered men by about nine-to-one, a ratio typical of the Laguna Woods Village population and similar to senior dating ratios. Topics included online dating, building profiles and do’s and don’ts when posting photos, and long-distance relationships.

The importance of honesty trust, and communication between couples was frequently stressed. Who pays for the first senior date received many comments from attendees. The consensus was that men should grab the tab (at least, for the first two or three dates, something I agree with).

First-date etiquette was a fun topic. Women suggested that men keep their hands in check. So, what the hell do we do? Sit on our hands. Two women gave me copies of books they had published and I returned the favor with my books. One was Dinah Lin, the program chair. Her Amazon bestselling book is a memoir of her fascinating life. It’s titled. “Daring to Dream. Once Again.”

Dinah pours her heart and soul into this book; it’s a fascinating and heart-wrenching, follow-her-dreams story.

The other woman, Karen Haddigan, in collaboration with Debi Helm, handed me “Secrets of Dating After Fifty. The Insider’s Guide to Finding Love Again.” Karen and Debi’s book should be a textbook at a Senior Dating University. So many senior dating topics are included and often told with a humorous anecdote attached.

One section is titled, “Nakedness and the Aging Body,” which caught my attention. It discusses the reality of growing old, to which we all relate. I was amazed at how many of the same topics Karen and I had included in our respective dating after 50 books. Her opinions and observations about senior dating are more refreshing and up-to-date than in my book. (Karen’s book was published 12 years after my book was published)

The two books are pictured below. Both women sell their books on Amazon.com.

Writing is a great way for seniors to keep busy and their minds engaged. I hope we inspired the writers present to stay busy writing and publishing their books.

A special 70th Birthday

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 19, 2024

Alan Parsons (left) and Phil Green on stage at end of concert

Columnist Tom Blake and Senior Dating Expert

Sixteen years ago, on August 23, 2008, I was an Orange County California Deputy Marriage Commissioner for one day. I married Phil and Laurie Green at a ceremony in the historic mission city of San Juan Capistrano, California.

Phil was 54 and Laurie was in her mid-40s. They told me they wanted someone who knew them to marry them, that it would be more meaningful and personal. The county of Orange issued a one-day permit.

Phil had never married. Laurie was divorced in 2003 and had declared a moratorium on dating for “at least a year.” But, as often happens, life can change in an instant.

For Laurie, two things happened in late 2003. First, she met Phil at a party. Her one-year dating moratorium ended after a few months. They became a couple.

Second, her new-found bliss took a tough turn when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She and Phil tackled her cancer as a team. Laurie beat cancer and four years later was the wedding.

In keeping with their shared love of music, they became friends with Alan and Lisa Parsons. Alan was the founder of the Alan Parsons Project, a progressive, 70s and 80s British rock band.

Lisa and Alan were among the guests at the wedding and seated in the front row. At the reception, the disc jockey included Parsons’ hit Sirius/Eye in the Sky in the playlist. I thought I had read that Alan had helped produce two Beatles albums, which I asked him about.

He said he had been an assistant engineer, not an assistant producer, on the Abbey Road and Let It Be albums. “Had I been an assistant producer, I’d be a very rich man,” Parsons said with a grin. (My photo from 2008 with Alan and Lisa is below).

I included Laurie and Phil’s love story in my “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” book.
Update 16 years later (July 19, 2024)

Last Sunday night, Laurie had a private 70th birthday party for Phil. My significant other, Debbie, and I were invited. It was held at Campus Jax restaurant in Newport Beach, California. Debbie and I agreed it was the most amazing birthday party either one of us had ever attended.

Laurie had done most of the preparation work. Here are some highlights.

1 Laurie and Phil are still happily married after 16 years, so I still have a perfect record, 1-0, for the people I married staying together

2 Laurie congratulated Debbie for completing her breast cancer treatments, as Laurie completed hers in 2004 (see photo of Laurie and Debbie below).

3 The Alan Parsons Project, with 8 members, including Alan, was the main event. Debbie and I were able to chat with Parsons and his wife Lisa beforehand. (see photo below).

And, of course, the band’s closing song was Sirius/Eye In The Sky. Everybody was on their feet and taking videos during the 6-minute song for which the band is noted. (a link to Debbie’s video of them performing the song is below)
A bonus was the appearance of the lead singer of Ambrosia, David Pack, who performed four of that group’s songs, such as “Biggest Part of Me.”

4 Birthday boy Phil was on stage leading a hilarious 25-question quiz about his life. And then, at the end of the concert, he was on stage with Alan Parsons celebrating his 70th. (see photo above).

5 Campus Jax is an ideal place for a concert. Every seat is within 50 feet of the stage. The acoustics were perfect and the 140 guests helped themselves to a yummy buffet dinner with some of the best pasta dishes we had ever eaten.

What a night. I almost forgot, Happy Birthday Phil, and thank you, Laurie.
Link to Sirius/Eye in the Sky (Facebook)

Responses to Downsizing and a Space X Surprise

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – June 21, 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Responses to last week’s Declutter eNewsletter

Before I get into this week’s main topic, I want to report a phenomenon that happened to me on Tuesday night. I left my significant other’s (Debbie) house at 8:45 p.m. to drive home to Dana Point. It was turning dark, but the sunlight was still brushing the nearby mountain tops.

I noticed a bright jet contrail in the sky, the largest I had ever seen, which was illuminated by the sun. There appeared to be a rocket creating that contrail. I could see clearly that powerful engine clawing into space.

Naively, I immediately thought to myself, “This is supernatural. Is the USA under attack? With all the rhetoric from Russia about WW III, could this be it?”

I pulled my car over to phone Debbie, telling her to go outside and look at the sky. A minute later, the above photo popped onto my cellphone. Debbie had taken the photo.

I turned on KNX radio, an all-news station in Los Angeles. The reporters were going nuts, describing the highly visible contrails. I quickly learned that it was the SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket, that had been launched approximately six minutes before from Vandenberg Air Force Base near Santa Barbara, California.

Later, I read on Space.com: “The Falcon 9’s upper stage, meanwhile, continued hauling the 20 satellites toward low Earth orbit, where they’re scheduled to be deployed about an hour after liftoff. The new batch will join more than 6,000 operational satellites in the Starlink mega-constellation.”

My trepidation turned to awe. The rocket engine disappeared into space. And, as an afterthought, I appreciated how fortunate we are to live in peace on this planet and in this country.

And now. Responses to last week’s Downsizing and Decluttering

Often, my weekly eNewsletters generate enough helpful responses from Champs that I can write a follow-up meaningful column.

That didn’t happen last week. I wrote about decluttering and downsizing and only a few comments trickled in.

Champ Louise sent a lengthy response that included her philosophy of decluttering. However, it was her words in one paragraph that made me realize why decluttering isn’t a topic that Champs want to hear about.

Louise said, “You hit home with your ‘clutter’ comments. Our clutter used to be our life, and now it is a problem. Isn’t that ridiculous? To clear it is painful, enlightening, and very needed. Ask yourself if you were moving, would you pack this thing up and pay to have it moved? Probably not.”

Those comments helped me understand why Champs felt last week’s article was a yawner. The word “declutter” was a burr in their saddles. It takes time, it’s boring, it tugs on our emotions, and triggers memories of years gone by. It’s the most procrastinated senior activity.

I included in that column my brief experience trying to sell 143 Writer’s Digest Magazines I’ve kept since the late 1980s. And four Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition posters on Ebay (which I sold) and Facebook Marketplace.

Sheila emailed, “Somebody will want your items for sure, Tom. I have been downsizing for the last year and have had good luck with Marketplace, other than a few times people have responded wanting my cell phone number, (watch out) don’t ever give them your number.

“I posted two items yesterday. What I have found is you can get an inquiry months after posting it when you think no one is interested. I put a Seiko watch on three months ago and last week someone responded and bought it.

“I had knee replacement surgery May 9th so I’m also recovering but doing ok. Take care and good luck downsizing, it feels great to get rid of stuff.”

Sheila is right. I posted those magazines for sale in April. This week, I sold and shipped them to Missouri.

Jessica wrote, “I’d be interested in 10 of the most recent Writer’s Digests.”

Note from Tom: I apologize, Jessica. I wanted to sell them as an entire group and fortunately got rid of them. Besides, the most recent magazine was dated 2006, hardly recent.

Jim emailed, “Decluttering is on my to-do list every week. I procrastinate too much. My garage needs to be done and then my little bedroom. I’ve started getting rid of horse stuff at a consignment place in Norco (CA) but they take 40% on small stuff and 25% on saddles. I have received more than $650 already.

“I hope my five saddles will sell before I am required to reduce my prices by 20%. I’m going to try eBay and Marketplace soon. Do you know of anyone looking for a rein cow horse (Stella) 12 years old with whom I’ve won $1000? Price is $20k?”

Christine, emailed, “In January I finally decided to get rid of the remainder of my deceased husband’s collectibles that have been in my garage for years. I’ve sold much on eBay and was ready to have the Veterans’ truck show up and donate them all.

“Two weeks later, I saw an ad on my FB page for an estate sale company in Brea (next door city to Fullerton). I called and they came. Three loads in their Chevrolet Tahoe SUV, my garage was only filled with my stuff. It was so easy. They auction everything and take 50% off. Seems very fair because of how much work they do. They’re called Yellow Dog Estate Sales and they’re wonderful.”

Regina, “Six weeks ago I put decluttering as the first thing on my to-do list. I haven’t gotten to it yet. I have no excuses; it still sits on my to-do list!”

Tom’s Final Comment:

Enough about decluttering and downsizing. We all understand the need to do so. But it’s challenging.

Send me some senior dating questions, comments, or experiences. Let’s get back to the nuts and bolts of senior romance. July is just around the corner.

Downsizing and Decluttering

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – June 14, 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Decluttering and Downsizing—no more procrastinating

As we move into our 70s, 80s, and 90s, we receive much advice about the need for us to declutter. We need to clean out our closets, offices, garages, attics, basements, and storage units so that after we pass, our offspring or relatives won’t need to deal with it.

Since I retired nine years ago when I sold Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, I’ve been reminding myself to put decluttering near the top of my bucket list.

It seems that every Monday when I step into my office, I say to myself, “This is the week I will go through this workspace and get rid of the junk I’ve been hoarding for years.”

And then, when the next Monday arrives, I repeat the same words, as I managed to procrastinate for yet another week.

Downsizing and decluttering are at the top of my accomplishment list this week. First off, I have two boxes in the living room filled with 142 old issues of Writer’s Digest magazines. I subscribed to Writer’s Digest in 1987 until 2011. Those monthly magazines taught me how to become a writer.

I don’t have the heart to toss them out. I contacted the Writer’s Digest headquarters, thinking those 142 magazines would be a gold mine to them. The guy on the phone said, “I’m sorry. Can you imagine how many old copies we have on our shelves? We are not interested.”

So, I ventured onto eBay and Facebook Marketplace. I have only sold one item on eBay and nothing on Facebook Marketplace as I just signed up for Marketplace this week.

On eBay, I sold a Super Bowl II ticket stub that had been in my office drawer for 56 years. I attended that game. The ticket sold for $600. Couldn’t believe it.

I’ve had one nibble on the 142 Writer’s Digest magazines on eBay. But I didn’t see the offer. I sent a letter to that man and he bought the magazines. There went to boxes from my living room floor. Hooray.

I was in my garage on Monday and looked up at four framed posters that used to be on my deli’s wall. They were oversized (28″ x 21″) poster photos of Sports Illustrated magazine swimsuit edition covers. Three were autographed by the models with some greeting to the deli on them. I thought holy cow, those four posters might be worth a lot. They haven’t sold yet. So, I keep lowering the price.

So, I did a big no-no for seniors, I climbed up a ladder, but just two steps, and pulled the posters down. They are framed in glass and are in great shape. I’m including pictures of the posters at the bottom of this newsletter.

I acquired them between 1989-1992 at private cocktail parties sponsored by Sports Illustrated, as a thank-you tribute to their advertisers. I got to attend because I had a buddy whose company had advertised in Sports Illustrated.

So here I was decluttering, something we seniors all need to do, and I spotted those posters. I’m not decluttering to earn money, but to help my heirs get rid of stuff. And, if I make a few bucks doing that, I’ll treat myself to a Big Mac and fries. Or, more likely a healthy salad instead. I decided to try to sell the four posters online and the 142 magazines.

I don’t think I have shared with you that the new woman in my life, Debbie, whom I met on Zoosk a year ago May 19, is recovering from breast cancer surgery she had three weeks ago. She’s doing well. No cancer had spread.

Debbie’s two daughters, Brianna and Tovah, have been helping her around her house. Of course, their primary mission is to be with their mom, helping Debbie recover. However, the two of them have appointed themselves to be Debbie’s declutter champions. Frankly, I’m thrilled about that.

Tovah is a whiz on Facebook Marketplace and stuff has started to disappear from being stored in Debbie’s garage. Buyers pick things up. I learned about selling stuff online from watching Tovah.

And Brianna is an initiator. On Monday, she rented a U-Haul van and drove it to Debbie’s storage unit. The three women asked if I could meet them at the storage unit in case they needed a hand. The emptying of the storage unit has begun. I agreed to help.

These two daughters, in their mid-40s, with that U-Haul truck parked outside, got busy. It turns out, they didn’t need my muscle power.

Inside that storage unit, they lowered a large couch onto a flatbed wheel cart, took it to the U-Haul van, and loaded it in. They told me (politely) to get out of the way. Then, at Debbie’s home, they carried it about 30 feet into the living room, not to mention lamps and chairs as well. I was dumbfounded. What a couple of go-getters!

When seniors downsize and declutter, they need to accept their children’s, relatives’, and friends’ help in getting rid of stuff. Make it happen. No more procrastinating.

For those of you who are good at placing items for sale online, or are just curious, go to Facebook and search on “Tom Blake Facebook Marketplace listings.” I’d like your opinions on the listings. I have stuff on eBay for sale as well. I’m wide open to suggestions.

Let’s all get busy downsizing and decluttering.

At 77, a Remarkable Woman Champ

On Life and Love Afer 50 eNewsletter

April 19, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist

Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

A bonus for me in writing these eNewsletters is I’ve become friends with many Champs. Most of them I’ve never met in person. We have what I call an LDF, (long-distance friendship). When I owned my deli in Dana Point, some would stop by and introduce themselves, but I sold the deli eight years ago so that way of meeting each other no longer exists.

One of them is FFF (her initials) who lives in Florida. In an email a couple of years ago, she mentioned that she is a Scorpio. That piqued my interest as I’m also a Scorpio, so I asked her what day her birthday is. She said, “November 11.” That’s my birthday also.

To me, November 11 is more than just my birthday. It was also my Mom’s birthday and it was called Armistice Day. On June 1, 1954, the federal government changed the name of November 11 to Veterans Day.

FFF is a remarkable Champ. At 77, she’s got more energy than the Energizer Bunny and has more men pursuing her than a woman in her 20s.

A year ago, she emailed: “I still am very young, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want the entire package (in a man). I don’t mind ‘part-time.’ My social calendar with friends is over the top…concerts, plays, restaurants…and I exercise every day. I’m still writing my book. Hopefully, by year-end, I will get it published.”

In response to last week’s “Catfishing” eNewsletter, FFF emailed, “I’ve never been ‘catfished’ although not for their lack of trying. Growing up in NYC and being ‘street smart’ might have saved me. There were a few men who tried to get me to send money…one guy said he was hurt and in Thailand. I said, ‘I have a good friend in Thailand (true) and he will meet you and help you.’ Ha ha…you know that never happened.

“I even called out a scammer one day and he argued with me for two days and finally apologized.

“I think (I hope, fingers crossed) that I met a ‘Nice Jewish Doctor.’ I will call him Barry. He is a retired clinical psychologist, turned to music (saxophone and guitar) opened a recording studio, and has won Emmys. He is originally from Long Island NY, lived in Sarasota (downtown) and now lives in a small town by the Gulf about 20 minutes from me.

“Barry is Jewish, as am I. He is six feet tall, 73-years-old. He is smart. He likes me…we’ve been talking, have exchanged brief texts, mostly phone conversations, and are having dinner next Wednesday.

“He wanted to meet me sooner but I’m so busy with work, working out (yup, yoga, Pilates, barre, Tai Chi, personal training, pickleball training, decorating my house, joining clubs where I live, nice neighbors, etc. and going to Illinois this weekend to celebrate my granddaughter’s 17th birthday…we are going to ‘high tea’ at the famous Drake Hotel in Chicago.

“Back to Barry, I decided to stop looking for younger men with good looks…both were important characteristics to me. I’m now thinking about values, kindness, how men treat me, and, how much they want to be with me.

“I have two other guys interested but I’m not. There seems to be a ‘bottomless’ pit concerning meeting men…never have a problem as us ‘Scorpios’ know. But meeting the right one is not easy.

“At this moment in time, I’m a very happy camper. My health is great…where I moved to in Florida is wonderful and life is really being kind to me or I’m being kind to me.

“I will be getting back to writing my book this summer. I’ve been busy selling real estate and getting my staging/decorating company up and running. I will, however, finish the book and maybe, with your help, publish it or get advice from you.

“I hope the doctor and I like each other in person. I have a good gut feeling and you know how we Scorpios are with our ‘intuition.’

“Remember the words she was just 17 from the Beatles song, “I Saw Her Standing There?” That’s how I feel at 77. Barry is 73.

I just turned down a 59-year-old guy and a 56-year-old guy.

Tom’s comment about FFF

As I wrote earlier, FFF is an amazing woman. She stays active via exercise and going out with friends. She dates younger men although her focus now is more on quality than age. Barry is 73. Will he be too old for her although he’s four years younger?

My only advice to her is regarding the book she’s writing. Do a little bit at a time, even now. Maybe 15-20 minutes a day or at night. The editing comes much later. Just getting thoughts down on paper is a big step forward. I will help in any way I can.

Senior Dating Sites and Senior Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

By Tom Blake Columnist

December 1, 2023

Dating Sites For Seniors and Senior Commitment

Champ Jean The Bean, (The Bean is her nickname), Laguna Niguel, California, emailed this week. She wrote, “I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday despite the lack of a committed mate. The holidays are more difficult to push through.

“Can you recommend a good dating app for seniors (I’m 70 now). I thought you might have pretty good exposure from your senior dating fans! Do you find some more successful than others?

“I have tried OurTime.com (owned by the Match.com Group) but I didn’t find it very user-friendly and eHarmony never gave me a match after six months. If you have any input, I would love to know about it.

“Good luck with your pursuit of a compatible companion which can make life so much more wonderful!”

I’ve known Jean The Bean for about a year. She’s a very special person—a down-to-earth, ethical and loving woman. I most recently saw her in person on November 7, at the speech I made at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point. If any Champs would like to reach out to Jean The Bean, email me and I will forward your email to her. And then, who knows what might happen?

Here is my reply to Jean The Bean regarding online dating websites for seniors. And since Jean mentioned my quest to find a committed mate, I will comment on that as well:

“Hi, Jean The Bean, around March 1 of this year, I was sitting at home on another lonely Saturday night. It had been only four months since my partner Greta’s passing, after 25 years of being a couple. I knew I could never replace Greta, but wanted and needed a woman friend with whom I could share a new beginning. Someone whose presence would help me, and vice versa. I had attended one grief share meeting.

“And even though I know a lot of people in South Orange County (having owned a deli in Dana Point for 26 years, and having been a columnist for 29 years), I felt I wasn’t being assertive enough in seeking a potential mate.

“On that Saturday night, I decided to try online dating, to cast my net wider, to reach out to more people. I tried three sites. The first two were Match.com and POF (Plenty of Fish). I dumped POF immediately, feeling that I wasn’t reaching the right type of person for which I was looking.

“However, Match.com seemed pretty good. I had a few dates there. And then a Champ, Bruce, from Ohio, suggested I add Zoosk to the mix of sites I was using. I had never heard of Zoosk, but I gave that site a try.

“Being naïve to online dating, one thing I soon discovered is that the sites will try to sign you up for as long a period as they can get away with. I joined Match and Zoosk for six months each. Then the sites will add incentives to “increase one’s chances of meeting the right mate,” but those extras cost extra money. For newcomers, be aware of these marketing ploys.

“One thing is for certain. All dating sites, in one way or another, are in business to make money (even the so-called free sites such as POF).

“On the sites, I limited my search radius to 30 miles or so, not wanting to travel to Los Angeles or San Diego to find somebody. There is no best senior online dating site of which I’m aware.

“For me, the best of the three sites I joined was Zoosk. It just seemed to have more available women within my geographical area. I met several nice women on Zoosk, including Debbie from Mission Viejo, who lives 10 miles from my home. Our first date was May 19.

“Initially, there were challenges for us, but over time, we were able to navigate those obstacles. She did her thing, and I did mine, but we always gravitated back to each other. It wasn’t an exclusive/committed relationship.

“Senior dating availability, which is often a challenge for new single couples, was also an issue for us. She still works four days a week, and on three of those days, until 7:30 p.m., making our time together limited. She also has kids and grandkids in San Diego.

“We are extremely compatible. Politically, we are on the same page. We align with different religions, but for us, that’s not an issue. She’s a vegetarian; I’m a moderate meat eater. Again, we work that out.

“When her Zoosk Dating Site subscription expired, she did not renew it. When my Match.com and Zoosk subscriptions expired, I did not renew them.

“One thing that brought us closer together was Covid-19. Debbie went to Las Vegas to house-sit and puppy-sit for a friend. While there, she visited a few casinos. Debbie caught COVID-19 and was housebound for more than two weeks. I volunteered and insisted that I help her with grocery shopping and prescription pick-up.

“I would leave those items on her front porch bench. She would come outside. We were both masked. And we chatted for a couple of minutes from eight feet apart.

“That experience made us both realize how wonderful and comforting having a mate who cares about us is. So, we’ll see what happens from here.

“So, Jean The Bean, that’s the update. So, yes, I met someone online, on Zoosk. She’s 10 years younger.

“All the dating sites are hit or miss. It’s a lot of work. Scammers everywhere. But, if a person keeps trying, who knows when someone nice might come along?

“I will keep my eyes and ears open for you, as I feel you are a special person. It’s not easy. The ratio of single women to single men in your age range is nearly 5 to 1. Tough odds.

“Stay in touch. That woman, Pat Chiku, who hosted my speech, wanted to know if I’d talk at the Woman’s Club of Dana Point once every quarter. I may, we’ll see. No more PowerPoint failures wanted.”

Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s Disease

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletterNovember 17, 2023
Part one – Dating When a Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s
Part two – The New York Times mention
By Columnist Tom Blake

Photo by Tom Blake. Walking trail sign in Alaska Appropriate for Champ Bob’s Question

Part One – Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s

Champ Bob emailed me this week (week of November 13 2023) with a question. He wrote, “My wife, presently in ‘Memory Care,’ has been my friend and life partner for 53 years.

“I cared for my wife at home, as well as I could, during her early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease, which began five years ago. Now, she is almost non-verbal, and on medication, though lovely to see.

“Would a ‘friend’ relationship, open and honest, with guidelines be viable given my circumstances? I am 87, healthy with no limitations. My favorites: Travel, live theatre, dinner perhaps twice a week, walking and caring for my lovely home, music, and dancing.

“I am financially independent and believe I am open and honest with a good sense of humor. What do you think?”

Bob’s situation rang a bell. I wrote about this topic in May 2011. The title, “Dating When a Spouse is Institutionalized with Alzheimer’s.” I accessed that column from the archives. Not much has changed on this topic since then so I am quoting from it.

Words and quotes from the 2011 article

“When a spouse has Alzheimer’s disease, is committed to an institution, no longer recognizes her or his spouse, and it’s been going on for years, is it OK for that person’s spouse to seek comfort in a relationship?”

“Ed said, My wife has early onset Alzheimer’s disease, a beautiful woman, age 59, whom I love very much. She is mentally gone now, doesn’t know me or anyone else, and sleeps much of the day. The rapid onset has been very discouraging; she has been in assisted living for two years.

“My family and friends are OK with my ‘moving on,’ as long as my wife receives the care she has now. I have no problem with that; I see her three to four times a week, but I cannot bring her home anymore.

“I met a widow two months ago. We see each other several times a week. We have tentative plans to do some traveling. Our relationship is platonic. She is very traditional. She says, ‘Who gives me a pass (the right) to date a married man?’

“Society, her friends, and the church we attend have sanctions, which she is concerned about. I don’t know how to answer her. What should I say?”
I asked Champs for their opinions (Remember, this is almost 14 years ago.)

What Champs said in 2011

Diane, who was in a similar situation, but with the roles reversed, said, “It’s a long and dark tunnel when going through Alzheimer’s with a loved one, but it helps to have a light at the end of that tunnel and someone waiting there for you who loves you.”

Gregory said, “Supreme Court Associate Justice Sandra Day O’Connor (the first woman to serve on the United States Supreme Court) dealt with the reverse situation. Her husband found a ‘friend’ while at the nursing home. Justice O’Connor was delighted he had someone to be with.”

Jon wrote, “Considering that there really is no marriage anymore, and his spouse is apparently unable to comprehend what is going on, a relationship is within reason.”

Cydne emailed, “If Ed’s friend is concerned about what other people think, her answer is no. I don’t worry about what society or others think about my life decisions. That’s why I’m so happy.”

Mary said, “There will always be some holier than thou, a judgmental busybody who will make her life miserable with criticism and condemnation. So what, go for it!”

George stated, “Alzheimer’s is a vicious disease. The dementia associated with it is irreversible. A victim can linger for years. Spouses are as ‘imprisoned’ as patients. If there is another person to whom a spouse can reach out, it’s not cheating or being unfaithful.”

I answered Ed, “You and your friend sound well matched. I feel you should cherish each other. You have a right to be happy as you have been loyal and wonderful and will continue to ensure your wife is well taken care of. And your friend has the right to be happy as well, as she learned from being a widow.

“As far as the ‘sanctions’ you mentioned, only your new friend can decide whether the sanctions are more important than happiness with you. Doesn’t God want us all to be happy? If the sanction sources are too judgmental, perhaps she should find more enlightened sources that are more accepting.”

My comments to Ed were blunt back in 2011. My feelings are the same now, with one added comment. Finding a new friend is okay, as long as the incapacitated person is unable to comprehend or understand. If they still have their mental facilities and are aware of what is going on, then no, it’s not acceptable at that time.

And those are the words I say to Bob.

By the way, after the article appeared in my newspapers in 2011, a man sent comments to the Letters to the Editor section. He wrote, “Doesn’t anyone believe in ‘commitment’ anymore? Does the phrase ‘To death do us part’ mean anything to anybody?”

I quote what Elvis once said, “Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.”

A psychotherapist shares her opinions

I asked Debbie Sirkin, a South Orange County, California, psychotherapist, for her opinion about Bob’s question. Debbie said, “Bob’s situation can be a moral, ethical, and religious dilemma, and it is not one size fits all.

“For better or worse, in sickness and in health” is not Biblical in nature, but rather from a pamphlet titled, The Book of Common Prayer, from 1569, written at a time when people’s life expectancy was maybe 30-35 years. Alzheimer’s has only been around a little over 100 years, so this is not something anyone has had to deal with until the last century.

“Similar to many things discussed in premarital therapy, Bob’s situation may be a new one I add to my list of questions to be discussed before having to deal with it. Given where we are today, with living longer, I think this is a question that can/should be asked early in a marriage (or in premarital therapy). Then, being faced with this dilemma, it is no longer a dilemma, as it has already been discussed before the anguish at a time when you need more support and less stress.”

So, there you are Bob, you received a “thumbs up” from almost everyone who commented, enjoy a friend, while you can.

I look forward to our Champs’ responses.

Part 2 – A mention in the New York Times

One of our Champs is Tammy LaGorce, a wedding columnist for The New York Times. Recently, Tammy asked me for a quote for an article she was working on. Tammy mentioned she was writing about animals and relationships. I wasn’t sure when the article would appear.

Tammy had read our eNewsletter a few weeks back about “Dogs and Dating.”
Yesterday afternoon, I received a text from Champ Dee, who had received a text from her daughter Megan-Marie, who lives in Massachusetts. Meggie sent her a link to Tammy’s article, “When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur.” The article appeared yesterday.

Tammy LaGorce quoted me in the end of her article:

“Tom Blake, a relationship advice columnist in Dana Point, Calif., said that ‘most of the people I know who are content with their pet companionships still secretly admit they’d like a human partner.’ He encourages people to indulge that secret wish: “Go out and meet people. Hug your pet when you come home.”

Dee said, “I was so happy to see your name at the end of it (the very end of the article).”

Can you imagine? A Champ’s daughter in Massachusetts noticed it and alerted her mom. Thank you, Dee (who used to live in Dana Point), and thank you, Tammy LaGorce, for writing it.

“When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur” by Tammy LaGorce

Overcoming Adversity

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

Overcoming Adversity

November 10, 2023

Tom Blake – Columnist

**The Dana West Yacht Club, Dana Point, California where Tom’s speech was held on November 7**. Photo by Tom Blake

Overcoming Adversity
In the three most recent eNewsletters, I mentioned I’d be making a presentation about the challenges of senior dating on Tuesday, November 7 2023. I was asked to speak by the Business Network Group (BNG) which has its monthly meetings at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point, California, the city in which I’ve lived for 37 years.

Because so many Champs (subscribers to my weekly eNewsletter) contacted me on November 8, the day after my talk, wondering how my presentation went, I decided to describe that rather unique and challenging experience in today’s column.

I started preparing my presentation a month before by attending the BNG October presentation to observe the seating layout of the club and the audio/video setup. I wanted to see if the previous month’s speaker used a PowerPoint presentation. He did, so I decided to do the same. (See the room in the photo above).

I’m not a professional speaker so I needed to prepare my material diligently. I spent hours at home designing and scripting my slides and testing them on my TV screen. Everything worked perfectly. I practiced several times. Plus, I was told an audio-video expert would be at the club to ensure all was in order.
I admit I was a bit nervous, 80 people had RSVP’d, including several Champs. I wanted to make them proud.

I arrived at the yacht club an hour and a half before my talk and connected my laptop to the large TV screen via an HDMI cord. My speech material didn’t appear, only local TV programs.

My friend from my grief share session, Jim Fallon arrived. Jim had agreed to advance the slides on my computer so I could walk among the crowd using a portable microphone. Jim was also puzzled by the big screen not working.

The first guest arrived. He was a Champ, Rick, who lives a mile from me. He said he was a widower. And then another Champ, Regina, arrived. I’ve known her for years. She’s the salt of the earth. I introduced them and they sat adjacent to each other on barstools. They seemed to enjoy chatting; I was pleased.

Back to the PowerPoint crisis. Garrett, the bartender, tried to help with the setup, but it wasn’t working properly. The promised audio/visual person wasn’t there.

When Pat Chiku, the president of BNG, arrived, I told her the big screen setup wasn’t working. She called the a/v man, and he came 16 minutes later. He spent 40 minutes fixing things. When my material appeared on the screen, five of the 22 slides had disappeared. He spent more time trying to recover those.

In the meantime, attendees were coming in. Many wanted to chat with me. I was a mess, concerned about the TV setup, yet wanting to be cordial.
The a/v man finally got the setup working. A huge relief for me. And he left. A few minutes later, as Jim and I were ensuring everything was in order, the system froze. I knew at that time I was going to have to wing it, with no PowerPoint. Luckily, I had made a 4 x 6 card for each slide, with just some words to remind me what to mention.

I knew I would have to overcome this adversity, put it in the rear-view mirror, and fire up and make it happen.

I was pleased when four women, also from Jim and my grief share group arrived and sat in the seats Jim and I had reserved for them at our table. They were Patty, Gina, Michelle and Tracy. In total, there are seven of us who met via grief share and have become pals and do fun social activities together. Only Katie was not there, having other commitments.

Another friend, Champ Mike Stipher, a co-worker with me at the Victoria Station Restaurant chain from the 1970s, arrived. Mike, who has been supportive and a great listener and advisor, during my grief moments over the last 12 months, took a seat at our table as well.

Then Champ Gail sent a text. She was driving from Bishop, in the Sierra Mountains, 5-6 hours away. Her text read, “Stuck in traffic, I will be late.” Oh wow, another thing to worry about. We reserved a chair for her.
And then Champ Lady Hummingbird texted, wanting some directions. I texted that we had saved her a seat.

Champs kept arriving. Margaret and Jean got good seats. The place was getting full. The first couple still appeared to be enjoying each other.
And then a woman named Erika came in. She had previously paid for three of my books she was getting for her 59-year-old son who had decided to try to find a girlfriend.

I had signed the books for him at home beforehand, knowing time would be of the essence. She had mistakenly come to the club the week before and found it locked. She jokingly told me she had suffered a “senior moment.”

At 6 p.m., Pat introduced me. I thanked her for planning the presentation on a Tuesday night, and not on a Thursday night, so our attendees wouldn’t miss any of The Golden Bachelor program. People laughed.

Earlier in the day, I had gone to a local florist and purchased two long-stemmed red roses that were hidden in a cooler I brought with me. Later, I called Pat and her assistant Candy to the area where all could see them and had Jim remove the roses from the cooler. I presented a rose to each woman ala The Golden Bachelor, as an acknowledgment for their hard work in putting the night together. That got a big round of applause and me hugs from the two women.
Senior Dating – Make A List
The audience participated as I intermingled with the crowd with a microphone in one hand and my slide notes in the other. When I suggested that singles, before starting to date, make a written list of qualities wanted in a mate, one woman shouted out, “At the top of my list, the man must be breathing.” That brought a chuckle from folks.

The ratio of women to men in attendance was an estimated 8 to 1. About the same for people in their 70s and 80s who are trying to date.

When I was talking about first-date etiquette, another Mike, who was seated with three women at a table, very loudly shouted, “The four of us want to know when people should talk about sex.” (I think they’d had a couple of cocktails by then).

I replied, “For heaven’s sake, not on the first date!”

A woman nearby shook her head, and mumbled, “At my age, who needs sex at all?” I decided to avoid any further discussion on the touchy subject of senior sex and switched to the next topic, online dating.

However, the importance of chemistry, i.e., physical attraction, was a topic. More than half the crowd raised their hands when I asked if that was important to them. My grief-share friend Patty called chemistry “zing.”

In the Q&A session at the end, I was surprised that many in attendance were unfamiliar with the acronym “LAT.” I explained that LAT stands for a living apart together relationship and it seems to be emerging more and more among single seniors.

By the end of the evening, it appeared that six people might potentially become three couples. That warmed my heart.

Several people told me I probably did better without the PowerPoint aspect.
Later, Patty texted our 7-member grief share group, saying, “Tom took control through the chaos of the system like a ROCK STAR!!”

Holy cow, I appreciated Patty’s comment.

I was surprised that no one raised the question of whether I had met anyone online or elsewhere whom I was seeing exclusively. But two women privately asked me that question.

I said, “Yes.”

One said, “Is she here tonight incognito?”

I said, “No. She’s not here tonight. She’s a ‘PGF’ and a MFT.”

“What are those?” A woman asked.

I said, “A PGF is a Phantom Girl Friend. An MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist. She’s ill, caught a virus, and is devastated that she couldn’t be here to meet many of you. There will be another time to meet her when she’s feeling better.”

Here’s a lesson from today’s eNewsletter: Adversity is often the seed of opportunity. It’s what a person does with that opportunity that will determine if he or she will grow and benefit from it. It all depends on how they tackle it.

Thanks for being Champs. You are all special to me. Together, we made it happen on November 7, 2023

From The Senior Dating Mailbag

Tom Blake Columnist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

September 15, 2023

From the Senior Dating Mailbag

Today, I feel a bit like Bob Dylan, with words from his song, “Like A Rolling Stone,” one of the most classic songs of all time. Namely, the words, “How does it feel, to be on your own, with not direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone.” (see link below).

In other words, today’s newsletter isn’t just focused on one topic or one direction—no dogs and senior dating, no animals in senior dating, no ghosting stories, no double-whammy events—just some items that arrived in the mailbag, as famous San Francisco Chronicle columnist, Herb Caen, used to call some of his columns. Simply, “From The Mailbag.” So here we go.

Maggie, “I don’t date anymore because I’m convinced there’s a wave of divorces about to hit the market and I can get a pre-trained one for a real bargain.”

Rhonda emailed, “I am a widow. My husband of 38 years died in December 2007 of lung cancer. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I have three children, a daughter aged 50, and two sons, ages 47 and 43. They are decent and hard-working people and lead full and busy lives.

“Am I looking for a mate? Yes, but not very hard. My attitude has been that if the right person falls in my lap, I would probably be pleased. At least my attitude is almost that bad. Yes, I know you’ve warned about that attitude in your column several times and you are probably right. I just don’t like the idea of meeting someone online.”

Tom’s comment to Rhonda: What I’ve said is people rarely have the right person fall into their lap. I encourage senior singles to get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in activities they enjoy. Senior social interaction is important for seniors, especially their health.

And when out and about, singles should be assertive and willing to say hello to strangers who appeal to them. Notice, I did not say aggressive.

I feel one of the best ways to meet someone is still the old-fashioned way, senior dating networking through friends, family, co-workers, and nearly anyone you meet. A woman can say to a man she sees, “I’m single. Do you have any single male friends who are about my age?” And men can say the same, “Do you have any single women friends…” Who knows? The person may respond by saying, “I’m single. Would you like to have coffee?”

And Rhonda, online dating is a personal choice. I’ve done it for about six months now on Match.com, and because Champ Bruce in Ohio suggested I try a site called Zoosk, I’ve been on there as well. I’ve met many nice women who I would not have met otherwise. Who knows? Will someone be the one from one of those sites? Perhaps. I think there is a strong chance of that happening. While there are many issues and considerations and cautions with online dating, it did give me hope as I emerged from the fog of loss.

And as many single Champs know, a bit of hope in a lonely single existence can lift one’s spirits.

I admit that I have taken a hiatus from those sites. Why? I just need to catch my breath. I’m fortunate to have male friends I spend time with and can talk to openly as some of them are in similar situations as I.

And while mentioning online dating, I was interviewed on a podcast this week with the founder, Bela, of the Smart Dating Academy, an online dating advisory service. We were discussing how to reduce disappointing first dates due to misleading photos or personality differences. She suggests people do two or three video chats with a potential date before meeting in person. She suggested Google Meet, a free app that people can use. I think that’s a great idea.

Of course, both people must agree to the pre-first date video. If a person is unwilling to do that, that would be a red flag.

She said people can discover if they have a connection and attraction for each other via the videos. If they do not, they save time and possible embarrassment without even leaving their homes. I will let you know when my recorded podcast interview will air in the future.

Champ John emailed, “Relationship coach Christine Baumgartner’s advice in a recent eNewsletter that treating your human partner as well as you treat your pets is some of the best reader advice I’ve seen in your eNewsletters. I’m going to have to keep that in mine.

Tom’s comment: Christine has been a Champ for years. She and Barry Selby have a weekly podcast about dating and relationship issues. Here’s a link to one of the recent informational emails she sent me.

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ik=c55b9a8fc7&view=pt&search=all&permthid=thread-f:1776778312015180910&simpl=msg-f:1776778312015180910

Phubbing

Another thing that has popped up recently in senior dating and marriages is a phenomenon called “phubbing.” What the heck is that you might ask? It’s when people prefer the company of their smartphones more than the company of their partners. It’s causing increased conflicts among couples. And research has discovered that phubbing negatively impacts intimacy.

One study revealed that almost 17 percent of women will interrupt intimacy to check their phone. Holy cow, that’s astounding. Can you imagine, during intimacy, the partner says, “Excuse me honey, I need to order a pizza.” Or “I forgot to call my friend Jane back so this will only take a minute.”

And now, social media even makes phubbing worse. Often people check their social media outlets multiple times each day. Studies fear phubbing will increase the divorce rate.

Cell phones are bad enough. We see improper cell phone usage all too often. We’ve all experienced when the traffic light turns green and the car in front of us doesn’t move because the person is texting or using their phone.

And, how about the people walking down a sidewalk who virtually run into you because they are only paying attention to their cell phones. I am tempted to say (and do under my breath often), “Get off your….ing cell phone.”

Also, what amazes me is when people walk across a street reading their cell phones and are oblivious to traffic that could hit them.

Don’t let phubbing ruin a first date. Turn off your phone and look at it later.

That’s it for this week. I need to check my phone messages. And I’m not even on a date.

Link to, Like A Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwOfCgkyEj0

Dogs and Senior Dating

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 25, 2023

By Tom Blake Columnist

Last week’s eNewsletter, “Home alone with only dogs for company,” generated several Champ’s responses. It was the word “dogs” that inspired many of the emails, which, led me to ponder the importance of dogs in the senior dating arena.

Carol emailed, “What prompted me to write today was the title of your article. I live with three dogs. They are my roommates, therapists when needed, protectors, and best friends. They bring and share with me unconditional love, something senior daters seek. Men have failed over and over to provide me with that type of love.

“Dogs don’t care what you look like in the morning. My Labrador loves my morning breath, greeting me each morning with the joy and love that only dogs can give.

“If people are fortunate to love dogs, the unconditional love that dogs provide mixed with the peoples’ acceptance of that love, makes a strong bond that requires nothing else. When I meet a potential mate, to proceed to a second date, he must like dogs!

“Let your dogs meet your new friend and the dogs will tell you if this is someone worth your efforts, or not.”

Tom’s comment: Oh wow. If that’s the case, the dog makes the decision. I guess I should take the dog out for coffee instead of taking the woman out.

A different Carol also emailed, “I too ‘live alone’ with a dog, a toy poodle that I’ve had for 13 years. And another one before her. My husband has been gone for several years. I don’t know what I would do without my Daisy. I talk to her just like I would talk to a kid and am sure she understands everything I say to her.”

Since I began senior online dating four months ago, I have been amazed at the number of women’s profiles that feature dogs. A woman might post six photos to her profile. Often, the dog is solo in two or three of those pictures. Or the woman is holding the dog at different angles.

Don’t get me wrong, there are many senior single men who also have dogs or horses. I’ve wondered if a guy walking his dog meets a woman with a dog, do the dogs have to like each other for the couple to have a match or committed relationship? I’ll ask my buddy Jim, he’s single and has a dog (named Hilton) and horses.

In four months of dating, I’ve met dogs named Chanel, Buster, Blue Sky, Milo, Bandit, Sky King, Mukluk, and Bootsy, to name a few, and I’ve liked them all. But that doesn’t mean the dogs’ owners are going to like me.

Going forward, instead of arriving at a woman’s front door with a dozen red roses, I’ll bring a bag of doggie treats to get the dog’s approval.

Also, if you are allergic to dogs, you are kind of screwed in the senior dating arena.

One woman brought her dog to my home. Within minutes of checking out the house, the dog jumped into my leather, swivel office chair. And went to sleep. Too bad he couldn’t help me write an article.

I end today’s column with this senior dating tip for men. If you meet a potential partner who owns a dog, and you want to see the woman again, whether you like her dog or not, tell her you love the dog. It will improve your chances of getting a second date, along with those doggie treats we mentioned earlier.