Tag: sex

Where is senior sex ranked on your list?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 18, 2024 Is Senior Sex On Your List? By Columnist Tom Blake

Where does Senior Sex rank on your list?  There were many responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter regarding the senior romance and marriage of Ray and Libby Freer, who found each other 73 years after knowing each other as kids. All responses were positive, with glowing comments about how much Champs appreciated the story.  For example, Carolyn emailed, “We all absolutely loved reading this amazing senior love story. They are an incredibly beautiful couple.”  Surprisingly, the story also inspired some senior relationship questions. Two questions stood out. One was about senior sex/physical attraction. The other was about 12 characteristics to ponder when seeking a senior mate.  Senior Sex  Ray’s comments, before he met Libby, triggered the sex/physicality topic. He diplomatically stated, “It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother.”  “It is just my impression, but the relationship becomes more emotional when a couple starts sleeping together. At some level, that implies more commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.   “The other side of that is I am picky, so that is also frustrating. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’  Christine Baumgartner (Christine@theperfectcatch.com), one of our Champs and a Dating and Relationship coach said, “As Ray mentioned, sex is a ‘hot topic’ at this stage in our lives. I repeat my previous offer to discuss sex with any of our Champs should they have questions about it, they can email me.” Wow, that in itself is a ‘hot offer.’ One Champ, name withheld by request, a divorced mother of three, took a firm stance about senior sex, “I won’t have sex with a man until we are married.” I suggested to her that most men I know—in fact, all men I know–wouldn’t be willing to wait that long. Hence, she’s likely missing out on some good men who would be terrific mates. And what happens if a couple waits on intimacy, postponing the joys sex can bring, and then marries, only to discover they are sexually incompatible? Do they undo the wedding? Or, do they simply live unhappily in frustration?   One guy Champ raised senior first-date questions. He said, “What’s the senior first-date etiquette? Let’s say you’ve enjoyed being with each other and both the man and the woman feel instant chemistry. Is a kiss on the lips acceptable? Or would the woman feel that was rushing the relationship? A cheek peck is better than a handshake, but that’s lame. A good hug sends a warm signal. What’s okay on the first date?” He also added, “How long should a couple wait to be intimate? I’ve heard that some couples make love the first time they are together. That seems risky.” And one more question. “If the first-date attraction is not there, can it grow as two people get to know each other better?”  Champ Julie, twice married, now divorced commented on the above question, “I believe attraction can grow. I can be attracted to a wide variety of looks and feelings in a person. Personality affects it. A man making me laugh changes the game completely.  “Meeting someone for the first time can be about the place I am in my head. In the early years after my divorce, I may have been craving a crush-like fantasy but wasn’t open or available to my dates.” Julie added that she hasn’t been out on a date lately, but she does feel attraction can grow. She’s waiting for attraction to grow, now all she needs is to meet a guy she likes with whom to grow it.  Champ Greg emailed about a first date he had with a woman. He said that each having had a glass of wine relaxed them both and the date ended with an on-the-lips kiss. Their senior first-date attraction grew and grew. I plan to share their exciting senior love story soon.  A few Champs asked for a copy of the List of 12 Characteristics sought in a mate that Ray referred to last week. I retrieved the list from the archives and included it below. It’s only a suggested list; your list might be different and have a different order of importance.   Tom’s Suggested List of 12 Characteristics Women Might Seek in a Mate (and vice versa for men)  1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect  2. I am physically attracted to him. And he is to me  3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable  4. He must not smoke or take drugs  5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses  6. He takes care of his health  7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week 8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values  9. He must be kind and considerate of others 10. We must agree on politics  11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots nor closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs  12. He must be emotionally prepared to have a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to. If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person likely isn’t for me.  In Memoriam On September 27, I wrote about couples who are aging well. Included in that article was our Champ Joel who was quoted about how blessed he is to have met Wendy in 2012 and married her in 2018. Tragically, on October 6, Wendy passed away after being hospitalized for two weeks with an unexpected recurrence of a previous illness. Joel, of course, is devastated. We Champs send our prayers to Joel–and Wendy. Many of us have been down a similar path and understand the huge window in Joel’s heart. God Bless you, Joel.