Senior sex – On Life and Love after 50

Ask the Therapist – Volume One

Was Francine too blunt about sex?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
Was Francine Too Bold about sex last week?
March 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Last week, I took a chance with the eNewsletter. I published Champ Francine’s email in which she spoke openly about senior sex. Straight from the hip. Blunt, direct, and not mincing words. Very little editing on my part.

One of the comments she made: “I’m in my late 70s and would never date or be in a relationship with a man whose libido doesn’t match mine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t work for me.”

When I published her letter, I thought, “Oh, oh. I hope a bunch of Champs don’t unsubscribe, who might have felt her comments were offensive or too bold.” And then I thought, “I’ve been writing these articles for 31 years, we’ve got some brave Champs out there, it’s okay to quote them and let them have a voice.

To my pleasant surprise, no one unsubscribed. Francine struck a chord with several Champs, both men and women. I am including some of their comments today.

Champ Sharon said, “I just had to say that Francine is right on with her comments! “Being on the same page regarding senior libido is very, very important in a relationship. From experience, I know! I had married a guy whose desire for sex was way less than mine, but I thought I could make him want me more. How stupid that was!

“It only got worse to where there was no sex or affection at all, we just existed. He was a good man as society would perceive but for me, there was emotional abuse and no sex.

“When I would talk to him about this he would say, ‘This is how I am, and if you don’t like it, you need to make some decisions.’

“When decisions were made after 20 years of a loveless marriage, I had friends who said that he does so much around the house and can fix things, and is such a good man. This is how it all came across to others. He could be nice and accommodating when around other people, but then completely shut down and be the opposite when the two of us were alone. It was almost amazing to watch.

“I can hire people to do things around my house, but not for affection, sex, or love. Wow, I’m not sure why I got on that rampage! “Francine should definitely write that book; she is spot on! And by the way I am a fellow Scorpio too, on November 17th Keep up the great work Tom, I so enjoy reading your newsletters!”

Champ Mr. Terry, Thailand, “Francine wrote a wonderful bit about sex and meeting family.”

Champ and Relationship Coach Christine shared, “I loved Francine’s thoughts. She’s a smart cookie. My ex-husband was also born on November 11.

“Also, I now have a free dating advice book on my www.ThePerfectCatch.com website. It’s a downloadable eBook. Simply click on the link at the top of the homepage that says eBook and a free copy will be emailed to you. “Plus, you can schedule a complimentary conversation with me on the website.

Champ Colleen, “Love Francine! Good article.”

Champ Granny JKaren, 79, “I sure enjoy your column as usual for at least 20 years now. I was born in November but on the 25th. It usually falls on Thanksgiving weekend. This year will be my 80th and plans are in the making to make it a real bash for this legally blonde who like you enjoys SUP (Stand Up Paddle Boarding).

“My staying single with energy has kept me occupied with my business of repairing wet suits for surfers plus I help people stage social events. “I am finally putting the finishing touches on my book titled, One Lost Puppy. I’d be honored if you read even the first chapter to make sure my humor is in place.

“I would love to invite our champs to a birthday party in the surf Getto in San Clemente, CA. once I’ve got the book in hand to celebrate with.  “I’m originally from Eastern Canada. I have a USA permanent green card and a Canadian passport. My license plates are California plates.

“I am leaving for my 11th summer in Canada since 1990 with my Chevy truck and pulling another vintage trailer up there loaded with recycled wet suit material. Why the same truck?

“I leave the trailers in British Columbia, where they are converted to custom tiny houses on my German family’s 68 Acres, near 100 Mile City in Central British Columbia. The products made from recycled material are sold to fund kids to go to college.

“My new project is waiting for a grant for wheelchair kids. My dream from my book sales this fall will allow us to make wetsuits for the kids to have freedom in the water, so they won’t weigh 300 pounds. The 1969 trailer I am taking will become an office for the project. Then, it will be used for the movie from my One Lost Puppy book.

“I was tap dancing this Monday for Saint Patrick’s Day with my sponsors Kelly & Kelly ins. Largest health insurance company in OC.”

(Note from Tom. Let’s hope, with all the tariff issues currently going on, that JKaren is allowed to cross the International Border in both directions this summer. She does a lot for charity.)

Champ Wil (Hawaii), “Yea for Francine!” (note from Tom. Wil and I worked together at the Victoria Station restaurant chain in Oakland, California, and Victoria Station Denver in 1972—merely 52 years ago. He was a great bartender and a star on the Denver restaurant’s flag football team. We are still in touch.)

Susie, “Question: how does a woman become attracted to an older man? Or if you are a man, to an older woman? I am 83 and still take good care of myself, I was a real head-turner when I was young.

“At 83, I still look pretty good because of years of working out and being a dancer, I never let myself go. I want to go on a dating site, but my age stops me. I would not be interested in a man 83, and I figure no one would be interested in me at 83.”

Champ MR, “I am a woman Champ (early 60s) and believe I speak for many women. Sex with a man after just three or four weeks together is way too soon. She needs to make sure beforehand that a guy is compatible in many ways (religion, politics, etc.), and the sexual part should come later.”

Senior Sex and Physical Attraction

Where is senior sex ranked on your list?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 18, 2024
Is Senior Sex On Your List?
By Columnist Tom Blake

Where does Senior Sex rank on your list?

There were many responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter regarding the senior romance and marriage of Ray and Libby Freer, who found each other 73 years after knowing each other as kids. All responses were positive, with glowing comments about how much Champs appreciated the story.

For example, Carolyn emailed, “We all absolutely loved reading this amazing senior love story. They are an incredibly beautiful couple.”

Surprisingly, the story also inspired some senior relationship questions. Two questions stood out. One was about senior sex/physical attraction. The other was about 12 characteristics to ponder when seeking a senior mate.

Senior Sex

Ray’s comments, before he met Libby, triggered the sex/physicality topic. He diplomatically stated, “It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother.”

“It is just my impression, but the relationship becomes more emotional when a couple starts sleeping together. At some level, that implies more commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.

“The other side of that is I am picky, so that is also frustrating. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’

Christine Baumgartner (Christine@theperfectcatch.com), one of our Champs and a Dating and Relationship coach said, “As Ray mentioned, sex is a ‘hot topic’ at this stage in our lives. I repeat my previous offer to discuss sex with any of our Champs should they have questions about it, they can email me.” Wow, that in itself is a ‘hot offer.’

One Champ, name withheld by request, a divorced mother of three, took a firm stance about senior sex, “I won’t have sex with a man until we are married.”
I suggested to her that most men I know—in fact, all men I know–wouldn’t be willing to wait that long. Hence, she’s likely missing out on some good men who would be terrific mates.

And what happens if a couple waits on intimacy, postponing the joys sex can bring, and then marries, only to discover they are sexually incompatible? Do they undo the wedding? Or, do they simply live unhappily in frustration?

One guy Champ raised senior first-date questions. He said, “What’s the senior first-date etiquette? Let’s say you’ve enjoyed being with each other and both the man and the woman feel instant chemistry. Is a kiss on the lips acceptable? Or would the woman feel that was rushing the relationship?

A cheek peck is better than a handshake, but that’s lame. A good hug sends a warm signal. What’s okay on the first date?” He also added, “How long should a couple wait to be intimate? I’ve heard that some couples make love the first time they are together. That seems risky.” And one more question. “If the first-date attraction is not there, can it grow as two people get to know each other better?”

Champ Julie, twice married, now divorced commented on the above question, “I believe attraction can grow. I can be attracted to a wide variety of looks and feelings in a person. Personality affects it. A man making me laugh changes the game completely.

“Meeting someone for the first time can be about the place I am in my head. In the early years after my divorce, I may have been craving a crush-like fantasy but wasn’t open or available to my dates.”

Julie added that she hasn’t been out on a date lately, but she does feel attraction can grow. She’s waiting for attraction to grow, now all she needs is to meet a guy she likes with whom to grow it.

Champ Greg emailed about a first date he had with a woman. He said that each having had a glass of wine relaxed them both and the date ended with an on-the-lips kiss. Their senior first-date attraction grew and grew. I plan to share their exciting senior love story soon.

A few Champs asked for a copy of the List of 12 Characteristics sought in a mate that Ray referred to last week. I retrieved the list from the archives and included it below. It’s only a suggested list; your list might be different and have a different order of importance.

Tom’s Suggested List of 12 Characteristics Women Might Seek in a Mate (and vice versa for men)
1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And he is to me
3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week
8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values
9. He must be kind and considerate of others
10. We must agree on politics
11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots nor closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs
12. He must be emotionally prepared to have a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to.

If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person likely isn’t for me.

In Memoriam

On September 27, I wrote about couples who are aging well. Included in that article was our Champ Joel who was quoted about how blessed he is to have met Wendy in 2012 and married her in 2018.

Tragically, on October 6, Wendy passed away after being hospitalized for two weeks with an unexpected recurrence of a previous illness.
Joel, of course, is devastated. We Champs send our prayers to Joel–and Wendy. Many of us have been down a similar path and understand the huge window in Joel’s heart. God Bless you, Joel.

A Senior Love Story

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – October 11, 2024
A Senior Love Story
By Columnist Tom Blake

In August 2021, Ray Freer, 80, a widower, moved from Park City, Utah, where he had lived for 30 years, to Laguna Woods Village, a 55-plus private community of approximately 18,000 residents in Orange County, California.

He moved to Laguna Woods because he loves to play tennis. I was introduced to Ray by my friend and fraternity brother, Tom Brunkow. Tom and I met 67 years ago in 1957, as freshmen in the Beta Theta Pi fraternity at DePauw University, in Greencastle, Indiana.

Tom Brunkow is in the DePauw Athletic Hall of Fame for his tennis accomplishments. Ray has won multiple tennis tournaments and through tennis is how they met.

Ray signed up for my eNewsletter on December 21, 2021. Emails Ray sent me over three years are included below.

Ray’s December 21, 2021, email Ray wrote, “Went to a dance. I found it very awkward. On either side of me were a married woman and that sort of protected me. They were not on the market. Across the table were six unattached women. That intimidated me.

“I play racket sports (Tennis, Paddle and Pickleball). There are lots of attractive women doing that, which makes it easier for me to talk to them one-on-one.  “In Laguna Woods almost everyone is friendly. I haven’t connected with a woman yet. I am sure my time will come. If lightning strikes, I will pursue it wholeheartedly. “Octogenarian (80) Ray of Hope.”

Ray’s April 11, 2022, email Ray emailed “Life here in Laguna Woods is good and getting better. There are quite a few LATs (living apart together couples) here.

“It’s lonely. I haven’t found anyone, but all is OK. The good thing about the activities is they allow a person to meet others with similar interests before getting deeply involved. The activities provide time and opportunities to meet without commitment.

“The demographics here in Laguna Woods suggest seven or eight women for each man. Here’s how I estimated the ratio (the numbers are approximations): The population of Laguna Woods is 18,000. Six thousand are men and 12,000 are women. Assuming 5,000 of those men are married, that takes away 5,000 from the 12,000 women. So, 7,000 available women are left with 1,000 available men.

“Many people have significant others here. Some women, consistent with a lack of interest, just are not available. But that still suggests there are lots of ladies out there.

“It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother. Many simply avoid the dating scene entirely.”

Ray’s October 14, 2022, email “It is just my impression, but when a couple starts sleeping together the relationship becomes more emotional. At some level that implies more of a commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.

“The other side of that is I am picky so that is frustrating as well. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’

“I have some lady friends that appeal at one level or another, but it just hasn’t reached the ‘Let’s get physical’ stage a la the Olivia Newton-John record. I suspect it will come but who knows when? It’s a conundrum.

“The final issue is, while someone might appeal to me, it does not necessarily follow that I would appeal to her. It wouldn’t be her fault if I didn’t float her boat.

Ray’s February 10, 2023, email “I read your list of 12 characteristics in your eNewsletter. I never made a list of characteristics wanted in a mate, but it makes sense. Also, in concert with your eNewsletter, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary. On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”

“Regarding your question about my involvement with a person here. I am involved with a gal named Libby. Her father taught me how to play tennis She checks off a lot of the boxes on the list. I keep thinking it might come to pass, but so far, no real heat. She has lived in Laguna Woods for more than 10 years.

May 2024 In May 2024, My woman friend Debbie and I were invited to dinner at Ray’s home with the Brunkows in attendance. Ray and Libby had become a committed couple.
Senior marriage at 83

Ray’s September 27, 2024 email “Libby and I married on June 29, 2024. We had lived together for a year and a half. She sold her condo and moved in with me. We have known each other for 74 years. When we were kids, she was a year and a half older than me. When I was in 5th grade she was in 7th, an unbridgeable age gap at the time.

“Now at the advanced ages of me (83) and Libby (84), the age gap isn’t an issue. I refer to her as a cougar robbing the cradle.

“I play tennis frequently. Libby walks daily and I join her three days a week. Both of us go to the gym regularly. We are healthy and that is why we married. We simply want to live those twilight years as positively as possible.

“Your list of twelve questions to discuss to determine compatibility was very helpful. We are so boring. We were similar in answering every question. We appreciate each other and are fortunate to enjoy many of the same things. Your eNewsletter helps many seniors.”

Tom’s comment: Wow, Ray and Libby’s story shows why single seniors should never give up hope. The coincidence of marrying someone he knew for 73 years is mind-boggling. And exciting.

Ray and Libby Freer wedding June 29, 2024

photo courtesy of Ray and Libby Freer

Senior Sex and Widower Finds Love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 16, 2024

Columnist Tom Blake

I avoid three topics in my eNewsletters—religion, politics, and senior sex. However, an email concerning senior sex arrived in response to last week’s column that needs addressing. That email and my comment on it are Part 1.

Part 2 is a beautiful love story sent in by a Champ that also mentions senior sex.

Part 1 – Quid Pro Quo Senior Sex

JJ (a woman) wrote, “Alicia’s brother (from last week’s article) sounds like a good man. He is willing to give friendship and more to enjoy the companionship of the woman without demanding that she pay him back with sex.

“Men, especially older men, who cannot tolerate not having sex are not worth having around. They disguise their desire for sex as ‘friendship’ or ‘companionship’ when it’s not that at all. In reality, it’s a quid-pro-quo relationship. Alicia’s brother offers something very real and true! Sounds like a nice guy!”

I am curious how men and women feel about JJ’s comments. At the risk of having a Champ or two unsubscribe, I will say this: I think her quid pro quo relationship comment is offensive and erroneous. It assumes that any man who enjoys sex and pays for a woman’s dinner or theatre tickets or whatever expects sex in exchange. That’s the quid pro quo.

If a man or a woman chooses to be non-sexual, that’s their business. But, if a desire for affection is in our genes, it’s about finding a mate who enjoys the same thing.

So, let’s hear how you Champs feel about it.

Also, Champ Christine Baumgartner, a relationship expert, and Champ and friend for years, emailed this comment: “I’m very interested in addressing/answering questions from your readers about senior sex.

“Feel free to include my offer in your eNewsletter with my email address so their questions and my answered comments won’t go through your newsletter.

“It’s such a challenging subject for us and I’m very comfortable answering their questions and concerns.

Christine’s email is: Christine@theperfectcatch.com.

Please tell her you are a Champ.

Part 2 – A Widower finds love

“Joe (not his true name) emailed approximately 18 months ago, “I’m in my early 60’s and widowed. My late wife and I were committed to each other since we were teenagers and married soon after college for 44 years.

“Our relationship started so young, we were the only ones each of us had been intimate with and we loved and valued that bond. As two people in love and with an active sex drive, it was difficult for us both when my wife’s illness prevented any kind of physical intimacy.

“But that was only one part of our relationship, and the other parts grew stronger to compensate. My love and commitment towards her were reason enough for me to put my sexual urges on the back burner as I focused on caring for her.

“After her passing, I knew there would be a time when I would resume being sexually active but had no idea when I would feel ready and when I would find a woman I was attracted to. I am now dating a wonderful woman. (Joe wrote the above 18 months ago)

Update August 12, 2024. Joe wrote: “My relationship with that woman I mentioned above ended amicably shortly after the holidays this past year. We were enjoying our time with each other, but each wanted different things and didn’t see our relationship being long-term.

“Since then, I have met and fallen in love with another woman who fills my life with incredible joy and happiness. We are both looking for the same thing in a partner and have quickly become inseparable.

“We are compatible in every aspect of our lives including activities, energy levels, family, humor, conversation, openness, physical touch, and intimacy. It is quite extraordinary, and we joke that we were twins who were separated at birth.

“We also both agree that it was a blessing that we didn’t meet immediately after I started dating as I wasn’t fully prepared to be in a relationship. It was important for me to get over the feelings of guilt and anxiety that I had being with another woman other than my late wife.

“So here I am, 2-1/2 years from losing my best friend, lover, and soulmate and in a relationship that is very different but equally fulfilling. I’m as happy as I was before my wife’s illness changed our lives forever and back to being my old self.”

So that’s it for today. A topic I avoid—senior sex, snuck in here. At least I avoided religion and politics.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Senior Dating Chemistry

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 7, 2023

by Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

Slack-jawed with dismay and amazement over senior sex and chemistry

Admitted right up front. The picture is of a couple who aren’t seniors yet. Greta and I met them at the Grand Prix de Monaco. They were a couple of love birds, but not senior love birds. They were from two different foreign countries.

An open discussion about senior dating chemistry

Many Champs aired their opinions after reading last week’s “Senior Dating Follies” eNewsletter. Quickly, it became obvious to me that you’d enjoy hearing what some Champs had to say, and my responses to them. Don’t let your jaw drop. Here we go:

Janet, “Your humor really helps. I am afraid of online sites but, just staying home isn’t getting me anywhere.”

Tom, Yes, Janet, sitting at home won’t get the searching-for-a-mate job done. Social interaction is a must. Getting out with friends, volunteering, or other things can improve one’s chances of meeting a potential mate. Online sites are fraught with scammers and other issues, but they still can help, once you learn the ropes and what the potholes look like.

An anonymous (by request) woman Champ, “I’m dating and still looking for someone with whom to have a senior physical relationship, or senior sex if you will, as well as friendship and companionship. The two men I’m dating are not physically attractive to me. They are intellectually stimulating, and both are gentlemen. So, I’m still open to finding a gentleman with whom I’d also have a senior sex physical connection, but it won’t be either of them.”

Tom’s comment: “This importance of senior chemistry topics keeps surfacing among our Champs. For some women, senior physical attraction is not near the top of their qualities-wanted list. For others, senior sex ranked higher.

In my brief time sampling online dating, I’m surprised by the number of women who state on their profiles that they are warm, affectionate, passionate, and ready for love. But, then they insist on being just friends first, for weeks or even months before intimacy. At our age, what guy is going to wait around for months? Some thumbnail photos on the front page of women’s profiles reveal very sexy photos showing nice bodies and deep cleavage. And yet, they get upset when a man comments about the picture.

And, what happens if the senior intimacy isn’t good between them? Do they both move on, having invested lots of precious time waiting?

I know how I’m built. I like the warmth of a senior hug, the chemicals released in the brain from a kiss, and the electricity of holding hands. Most of the older single guys I know feel the same way.

But, let me be perfectly clear here. If a woman insists on waiting, the guy should honor her wishes and not pressure her or make her feel uncomfortable. He must be willing to wait, so in effect, the ball is in her court. If he doesn’t want to wait that long, he must be prepared to move on.

An online website called Healthline has this to say about kissing: “The rush of oxytocin released when you kiss causes feelings of affection and attachment. Kissing your partner can improve relationship satisfaction and be especially important in long-term relationships.” (link to the Healthline website is below). Senior kissing is healthy.

Carolyn, “I agreed to a meetup with a gentleman from Match.com. We planned to meet outside a lovely restaurant. He explained during dinner that he always asks potential dates to wait outside so he can see how they look in person. He said that if they don’t look like their photos, he simply drives away and ghosts them. I find this to be most cruel.

“Oh, he did say I looked rather beautiful and passed his inspection. However, I didn’t go out with him again.

“Continue living your very best life, Tom. You always inspire us to do just that!”

Tom’s comment, “A guy who does that is a total jerk. Selfish, mean, cruel, inconsiderate, and egotistical. Carolyn, you did the right thing by not going out with him again.”

Barbara, “My husband entered the hospital two years ago and died last July. A couple of months after his passing, I was texting with a gentleman who lives in the same apartment building as I do. Before I agreed to meet him, I talked with my deceased husband’s daughter. I told her what was going on and asked for her approval.

“She said, ‘Dad has been gone from your home for two years. You’re not that young, and I’m sure Dad wouldn’t want you to be alone. I give you, my blessing. I hope things work out,’ and she gave me a hug and a kiss and told me she loved me. Such relief, I felt, not having to worry anymore.

“My husband was 84 when he died. I am now 75. Good luck to you, Tom.”

Christine Baumgartner, a Champ, and a highly respected dating and relationship coach emailed, “Regarding Dyana’s comment about chemistry last week, physical attraction is the ‘natural first’ for men. If they aren’t physically attracted, the relationship probably won’t grow.

“This can be very different for women. If they’re not physically attracted initially, and instead, really like how he thinks and makes them feel, how he acts towards her and others, and has morals, then the physical can develop. This is what happened between my late husband Tony and me.

“Conversely, if a woman feels a lot of physical attraction in the beginning with a man she’ll often not ask the important questions about ‘who he is as a person’ and ignore many potential/real red flags. As you know I agree with your suggestion to her about creating a list of the traits that are important to her.”

Tom’s two cents: Christine is correct. If a man or woman has senior physical attraction atop their list of wants, that doesn’t mean senior sex is the first thing they do. It’s simply near the top of their needs, and will likely become a recurring event after some time has passed being together. Christine can be reached at

Christine@theperfectcatch.com.

Her website is: www.ThePerfectCatch.com

Champ Althea thinks differently about chemistry. She said, “Physical attraction is number one on my list. Unless you plan on having only a friendship with a man—a brother-sister type of relationship, being attracted to them/feeling the desire to kiss and have sex with them is very important. I don’t think senior physical attraction grows with time. It’s either there at the beginning or not. You can grow to love the person, but ‘being in love’ is a whole ‘nother’ ball game.”

John was vehement: “Last week’s eNewsletter left me slack-jawed with dismay and amazement. Why? Senior sex and chemistry are bullshit. There I said it. Women learn it’s crucial from romance novels. Did you know that long term, people in marriages that were arranged by their parents when the people were children have the same level of marital happiness as people who married for love and chemistry?”

Tom’s response: Gee, John, I’m curious to know where you learned the above fact. It must have been from a survey or research project. I don’t think anyone in our group has ever said that because there is initial chemistry between two people, that chemistry would guarantee long-term relationship happiness. So many other factors such as communication, trust, honesty, living arrangement (together or in separate homes), and respect come into play over the ensuing years that will affect the success or demise of a relationship.

Senior sex and intimacy and/or senior chemistry and affection, in my opinion, sure can launch a couple off on the right foot. And I don’t think that’s b.s., I think it’s a magical and tingling initial feeling. People still need to work on the relationship as the years pass to keep things fresh and on the right track.

Happy Easter, Champs. May you all have a wonderful holiday. Give a senior hug to your favorite Easter bunny.

https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-kissing#happy-hormones

Senior Sex and Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 28, 2022

18 Responses to Senior Sex and Commitment By Columnist Tom Blake

  18 responses to last week’s sex and commitment eNewsletter Editor alert:

This is the longest eNewsletter I’ve ever written, thanks to the sage comments from our Champs regarding senior sex and commitment. And senior sex and intimacy. Be sure you read the final response from an anonymous man. He hit the winning home run, during this, World Series week.

Today’s eNewsletter features 18 responses (12 from women, six from men). The ratio of women to men responding was two-to-one, dramatically more favorable than the dreaded senior dating ratio of seven-to-one mentioned last week. What women said Joanie emailed, “I think an 81-year-old man in good shape should advertise himself as an ‘escort’ (be healthy, stay in shape, look good, dress well, and smell good).

“Many single women have events and dinners to attend and need an escort but not a relationship. A man, by escorting, is doing community service without commitment. He’s getting to know the women and will eventually find one that is compatible.

“When he is the escort, the woman pays for everything, even if she wants a traveling companion, she pays. I saw a TV program about two older men in Palm Beach, Florida who were doing this.

“In this way, everyone gets what they want, and the man will eventually meet a true partner. Dating for oldsters is hard because it has a potentially romantic connotation whereas escorting does not have that connotation.”

Carolyn said, “The sex factor constantly pops up in the dating scene. Like many women, I have decided to not date anymore. Sad but true. I have been disappointed so many times by men who think that if they take you out to dinner or the theatre, they are owed a roll in the hay!

“The last man I dated was wonderful to speak with and we had so many of the same interests. I thought that I finally found a wonderful guy. However, after the second date, he mentioned SEX! “Not a problem for me since I do enjoy it, but he thought it was appropriate to say we should try it first before we continued our relationship. I was shocked when he said, ‘You wouldn’t buy a car without trying it out, right?’ That was the end of the relationship.

“Now, I attend group functions, theatre, dancing, Zumba classes, and movies. I enjoy my single life! Still, fingers crossed in hoping to meet someone special!”

Linda: “Lots of women don’t like sex. They gave it up after the kids were raised. I’m 72 and have lots of lady friends my age who aren’t interested.

“Men want sex even if they are unable to perform. Some men can’t take Viagra or Cialis because of the cardiac medications they are on. Men also want someone who can cook and take care of the house. Some women don’t want to cook anymore. So, there are quite a few women who don’t want sex, don’t want to cook, and haven’t taken care of their bodies.”

“Women like myself, who like sex and don’t want to be with a nice guy who can’t have sex–and who just wants me to cook and clean for him–won’t work for me. With the 7:1 ratio, I have no problem finding a male interested in me in this 55-plus community where I live. I’d say I’m a more balanced older lady. I enjoy, sex, I’m a good cook, I’m social and good looking and I’m in good physical condition for my age.”

Gail, “Senior sex is a bitch. I wish I could have it as often as I want and not be affected by it. Unfortunately, as a widow, I realized I was not a carefree-sex person. I tried.

“Once sex came into the relationship, and the guy was not a committed BF, I tried to make it so. I did not like being that type of woman. So now, after two or three dates, I tell him that he is pressuring me for sex and I’m not on the same page.

“If he likes me, he’ll work to make it happen, so far, there have been none of those. Truly, why should he wait? I get it, there are seven or more women waiting.

“So, I enjoy my friends and activities and keep hoping I’ll find that single, great guy who wants a committed relationship with me and not just sex.”

Anonymous (woman), “I just read your newsletter and decided to comment…since it has to do with sex, something I used to love and do miss now.

“The last time I had sex with a man was in the summer of 2016. He was 53 with a youngish, still in-good-shaped body. I was 67… and not in the potato body shape, I have now. At that point, I had known him intimately for 14 years so casual sex was comfortable with him, and I had seen his body for 14 years, starting at age 39. Major attraction.

“I have found it difficult over my years of dating men age 60+ to feel any sexual attraction to these men. They are old and they are strangers. I was not one to have casual sex with men I had no loving feelings for.

“Men I have never seen naked when they were 30 and now at 75 or 85, I don’t want to see naked! At least not casually. I suppose if I dated someone (platonically) for a long period of time and fell in love, that would be a different feeling.

“I haven’t met that man yet-I don’t ‘fall’ easily. But these older men I have experienced, have been missing a spouse or long-term girlfriend and they just want to have sex.

“For me and maybe many women like me, thinking about dating and possibly having sex with a man in his 70s-80s is not appealing. Now we just want the companionship we would have had if we had aged for years with a husband. Like most men, I am a visual person and my senses including sight and smell either turn me on or off.”

Mariana, “I believe age 81 isn’t important. More important is a woman’s attitude, her style of dressing to be feminine and not to act like an old lady. Her chance will be much higher no matter how many women are out there, they mostly are not competition for this kind of woman.”

Laurie Jo, “Sex without a commitment is not for me. After divorcing my husband, I decided to have a sleepover with a nice man whom I found attractive. It wasn’t all that great, and I felt cheap and ‘icky’ the next day.

“I tried it and did not like it. If other people are ok with that sort of thing, more power to them. But for me? Absolutely not ever again.”

Marie, “When it comes to having sex, it’s been my experience that there is little difference in behavior between guys in their 70s and 80s and from how I remember them behaving in their late teens, 20s, 30s, etc.

“The difference with some older guys is that they come with a ton of emotional maturity and wisdom, but they all like to have sex. Women do too, although generally, they are more selective, and while they appreciate intimacy, they take longer to appreciate someone as a possible sexual partner.

“Most, not all women, also prefer some type of commitment. I think one 83-year-old guy whom I had just met summed it up well. He told me that he was sexually active, his plumbing worked, and he could do everything that he could do when he was younger, except that it took him a little longer to do so.

“What he failed to understand, is that if he had waited to tell me something so intimate, and actually taken the time to develop a friendship, I might actually have been interested.”

Susie, “I understand what Jerry from last week is talking about. I am the female version of him! I am 80 and still very interested in the sexual part of my life. Women say, ‘Why can’t you just be happy with a nice man’s company and forget about the sex part? You would have someone to go out to dinner with, travel with, and have great conversations with.’

“I say I am not dead yet but, for me finding someone that I am attracted to is a big problem! I am very active and look and act much younger than 80. I am not looking for marriage again, but I would like a partner in crime.”

Kattie, “This is why I have so much trouble finding someone, it’s not just small-town blues, or being on dating sites, or meeting in person. I’m 70, an attractive homebody but I like short excursions. What I’ve found over the last 20 years online and in general, about 70% of men ask very personal questions about sex and my body during the first conversation.

“They show pics without shirts from their 50s, 60s, and 70s and up. A total turn-off for me. I don’t need marriage, but I do need monogamy, no wondering about multiple women in my world.

“I need to get to know somebody. I will kiss cheeks. I remember a 2nd lunch date. He kissed me three times in the parking lot on the lips before I pushed him away. WTH. I feel a woman will initiate another kiss if she wants more; it must be mutual.

“I would have been good if he’d just given me time instead of pushing so hard so fast. He cut off the whole friendship. Then later he said he might have made a mistake. That was two years ago. I haven’t heard from him. No chance, no romance. It would be nice to be in an intimate/sexual relationship, but I won’t be rushed.”

S (woman), “I met this man who doesn’t date women over 40. Why? He said they’ve lost all ‘desire.’ He doesn’t want a relationship, merely sex. He’s a nice-looking man, 73, fit, and has all his hair and all his teeth.

“Sure, he can get the younger women now, but what happens in seven years when he’s 80? A 40-year-old isn’t going to want him! Guys, it’s important to build a relationship-the sex comes with it.”

Marjorie, “Such a conundrum. Jerry seems to think that one should be physical first, then emotional intimacy will follow. But the problem for many women who are looking for a long-term relationship is that emotional intimacy usually doesn’t follow, and these women are left wondering why the guy has disappeared after sex or a few dates.

“Or maybe they think, he’s not the guy I thought he was, and they lose interest. I think from the female viewpoint unless you just want many sex partners, one should be in a mutually exclusive committed relationship before embarking on sex.

“I know, probably unrealistic today. I would just say to people that if you are in a committed relationship, you are building sexual intimacy on a foundation of mutual respect and love. Otherwise, it feels more like you are just taking each other out for a test drive without an emotional connection.

“Most senior women have a good life with a circle of friends, family, and exciting activities. We don’t need a man who brings nothing to the table that we need or want.

“We want someone who makes our lives richer, more fun, and exciting, we want attentive loving lovers. Maybe he’s not that great of a lover. Or that great of a friend. It sounds like women may not be interested in taking Jerry for a test drive.”

“Yes, I am the Marjie who wrote to you previously about reconnecting with her college boyfriend after 46 years. We have been in an exclusive long-distance relationship (1300 miles apart) for the past 2 1/2 years. Through covid.

“We spent the past summer in Montana and this past week in Portland OR for a Who concert.”

What men said

Ken, Mobile, Alabama, emailed, “I must live in the only area in the whole country where there are so few single women over 60. I’m widowed and 64 and rarely meet a woman who is not married and over 55. Mobile is not a haven for single women over 55 but plenty of 35-55 ladies who are just too young for me!”

Army (Curtis) “I feel Jerry’s pain. If a woman has had to take care of a husband that has died with lingering issues, they don’t want to do that again.

“If they want to go out for fun, they will call a girlfriend. They shrug off the nice guys and keep picking the bad boys who cheat on them, or who verbally or physically abuse them. Then, they wonder why they always get the loser.

“These are the men they pick, always the same kind. Then, they finally give up dating. I go out on weekend nights and see tables of groups of women partying with themselves.”

Don, “As I’ve aged, my experience is that women become nonsexual at an earlier age than men. Despite cries of bias, men place more value on sex than women. This is true. It is uncomfortable to talk about. And just talking here makes me cringe.”

Art, Laguna Niguel, Calif. “I am 71, and relatively active. After being married for 48 years, I found myself suddenly single. The last two years have been ‘interesting,’ dealing with a divorce, moving twice, selling a house, buying, and remodeling a house, selling a business, and retiring just a few months ago, all complicated a bit by doing it during the pandemic.

“One of the things I have learned about myself over that period is that I enjoy life more being able to share the joys with someone else. I heard a quote attributed to the late golfer Tom Weiskopf: ‘You don’t want to walk the back nine alone.’

“So now I want to, ‘get back in the market.’ I have decided to try online dating, and the more I research the options, the more confusing it is. Based on your communication with your Champs over the years, do you have an opinion about which might be the preferred service for a guy my age who is looking for a serious, ‘forever’ relationship?

“The online sites all have advantages and disadvantages one doesn’t find about until you’re involved in the process for a while. Others’ experiences would be of value to me.

Bill, “Intimacy is a highly personal matter at any age. Acting responsibly with a partner is important. Sex drives vary greatly especially as we age. Being honest with your partner makes for both the best emotional and physical relationship.

“Some people might want multiple partners, but I think most seniors want monogamy and no one should risk transmitting sexual diseases. Great sex as one grows older can really enhance a relationship.”

And finally below, the sixth man to comment. His email describes a widower’s difficult decision to move on with life after losing his wife—the only woman he had ever been with. It’s one of the most poignant emails I’ve ever used in an eNewsletter. I think you’ll agree.

The 6^th man, “Here are my thoughts regarding your most recent eNewsletter but please do not use my real name as this is very personal and I’d prefer to remain anonymous.   “I’m in my early 60’s and widowed. My late wife and I were committed to each other since we were teenagers and married soon after college. Our relationship started so young, we were the only ones each of us had been intimate with and we loved and valued that bond. “As two people in love and with an active sex drive, it was difficult for us both when my wife’s illness prevented any kind of physical intimacy. But that was only one part of our relationship, and the other parts grew stronger to compensate. My love and commitment towards her were reason enough for me to put my sexual urges on the back burner as I focused on caring for her.

“After her passing, I knew there would be a time when I would resume being sexually active but had no idea when I would feel ready and when I would find a woman I was attracted to. Fast forward to today and I am now dating a wonderful woman.

“As you would expect from two healthy adults who are attracted to each other, we have become physically intimate. The attraction is not just physical but also emotional and we are dating exclusively. That required a certain amount of trust from us both since neither one of us is interested in casual sex and had only known each for a short time.

“We are both committed right now to the relationship and both hopeful it will work in the long term. At this point, I can’t say that I love her with all my heart, but we are close and from what I have seen it is very promising.

“At first this intimacy was difficult for me as I was feeling guilty and unfaithful even though I understood I was no longer married. I had always expected I would only have one sexual partner in my life and appreciated that idea, which is rare in the world. I will always love my late wife, but I have also come to realize that this does not prevent me from loving someone new.”

“For me, it was a physical attraction, and emotional closeness and trust, and a desire to become intimate with a woman again that allowed me to take the leap.  “Thank you for all you do to help those of us who are finding love after 50!”

Tom’s comment: Wow, Champs – men and women—during World Series week, you knocked it out of the park by stepping to the plate and opening your personal vaults on this sex with or without a commitment issue.

I imagine the above 18 Champs’ words will trigger even more responses. Heck, there might eventually be enough information for a book. Maybe we could call it, “Sex with or without a commitment during World Series week!

“Stay.” 7 reasons why she should not relocate to be with old beau

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 16, 2021

by Tom Blake – Columnist

Stay: 7 reasons why she should not relocate to be with old beau.

One of my readers named Beth emailed, “I need advice on a long-ago love from the 1990 years. We met through a singles ad in a local newspaper. We had great magic (chemistry) between us.

“We have kept in contact off and on for more than 20 years, with ups and downs. I live in Virginia; he lives in Connecticut, 500 miles apart. I am 79; he is 76.

“He has no children. My children are grown with families of their own. He wants me in his life again and wants me to live with him. I can’t seem to move away from my family. He will not visit me.

“He was in a biking accident three years ago and can’t travel a long distance even for a visit to see if we could make a go of it again. I don’t know what to do.”

My response: “From what you described you would be making all the sacrifices. He would be making none. That’s ridiculous! What if you moved there and he got sick or passed away? What would you be left with?

“Why didn’t it work out years ago?”

Beth said, “I want him, and I want my family. I want him to come for a visit, just to see if that magic is still there.

“He was getting over an ex-partner, and I was going through some things also when we met. I had to walk on eggshells at times with him. I think he had a trust issue with women, and he was a lawyer and saw the mean side of people all the time.

“I made the first contact this time after not hearing from him in over a year.

“No one since has made me feel the way he did and I don’t know what to do, he was special and I don’t want to lose him again, this might be the last stop for us.”

My response: “Beth, I don’t usually advise people on what to do. But here are seven questions to ponder.

7 Questions

He can’t travel long distances because of a bike accident three years ago. He can’t even take a bus or a train? Or, is it, he doesn’t want to bother to travel?

You hadn’t heard from him for more than a year. You contacted him. That doesn’t sound like a man who is interested in you.

The same magic, or chemistry that was between you two 20+ years before will not be the same. Age takes its toll on chemistry and senior sex. Also, if he is so debilitated from the bike accident, do you think he would have the same physical capabilities he had back then? And how about you? Would you still be like you were in that category?

Why, if you had to walk on eggshells with him before, do you think that would be different now?

You are 79. Do you think you’d want to relocate to be with a man you barely know and leave your family behind? Don’t you think that would be risky?

What if you moved and then got sick? At 79, it could happen. If he can’t ride on a train, how would he be able to care for you? And would he want to?

You say you don’t want to lose him again. As it is, you don’t have him.

I hope the above seven questions will clear the air for you. For a new senior relationship to work, both people need to be on the same page. It appears you two are not. You aren’t even in the same book or the same state. As Bob Seger sings, “Turn the Page.”

Speaking of music, you may or may not know that the song I culled the name “Champs” from is “Stay. The Load Out” by Jackson Browne.

Take heed from those lyrics: Stay where you are.

(Link to “Stay” is listed below. See if you can hear where Browne says “Champs.”)

The Canadian pronghorn antelope

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 7, 2020

by columnist Tom P Blake

The Canadian pronghorn antelope

An exasperated male Champ has raised his arms in frustration. Martin emailed this week: “What is the answer to all this lack of love between the sexes? I am 76, a healthy male. I find women around my age so independent these days they are more interested in their dogs or pets than a good loving intimate relationship.

“I have found most dating sites a waste of time with most women just playing a game and not at all serious about finding a good man.

“Have all women lost their hormones? Trying to make love more than once a week is almost impossible in a lot of relationships–mine included. A big problem is a difference in libido! Don’t women realize how healthy sex is for the human body? What happened to Senior sex?

“I compare this dating game to my hobby of keeping chickens. When I let them out of the barn in the morning, my rooster tries to chase and mount some of his harem but with great difficulty.

“The hens don’t want him but he catches them. Are the hens playing a game also? It’s a wonder I ever get any fertile eggs being laid. Two hens seem to like him and roost next to him on the perch at night.”

The email was signed: “Yours, a frustrated human rooster, Martin.”

Nearly at a loss for words, I wrote to Martin: “Dear Frustrated Human Rooster. May I print what you wrote?”

Martin said, “Yes. I am a Canadian living in Marmora, Ontario. I was in a love affair for over 10 years. The relationship kept getting worse.

“We were opposites, but initially the sex was good. I felt she had some hang-ups; she worked less and less at keeping the relationship together.

“Now with COVID-19 she has said, ‘That’s it,’ ‘goodbye,’ and bought a $2000 dog for company.”

I answered: “Your words, a $2,000 dog for company remind me of my first-ever newspaper column, written July 7, 1994, titled, “Home Alone with only dogs for company.” That column was written six months after my wife, without warning, cleaned out the house on Christmas Eve 1993 and moved out of my life. I was away visiting my 83-year-old mom in Northern California.

“The gist of that column wasn’t about wondering if women had lost their interest in sex, rather, it was whether they had lost their interest in dating altogether. I couldn’t get anybody to go out with me.

“Similar to what your girlfriend said to you, “That’s it,” my wife also had done the same.

“I didn’t have to buy a $2,000 dog, I already had two dogs at home. Besides thoughtfully leaving them for me, my wife left four other items: a TV, bed, couch and a cassette player. That’s it: six items.

“I think the answer for you might be: “She’s just not that into you,” a take-off from the popular, ‘He’s just not that into you,’ book from the 2004-2005 era.

“In the 1970s, when I was single and working for the Victoria Station restaurant chain, one of the founders, Bob Freeman, liked to jerk my chain. He called me “a pronghorn antelope,” describing his perception of my dating modus operandi (pronghorns, by the way, aren’t antelopes; they are classified as mammals. They are the fastest land animal in North America, 60 miles per hour).

Pronghorn antelopes (photo courtesy San Diego Zoo)

Bottom line: 42-years later, undoubtedly, some men are still pronghorn antelopes. But Marty, since, you are north of the border, we’ll call you “The Canadian pronghorn antelope.”

“Cool your jets. Take a deep breath. Tend to your chickens. Becoming single later in life is a bear. Although you may not see it at the current time, someone more compatible with you could enter your life, when you least expect it.

“Who knows? Maybe one of our woman Champs, who lives near Ontario, will ask to correspond with you.“If that happens, put your libido in the Canadian deep freeze, at least until the spring thaw.” Senior sex can wait.

Senior Sex no time to waste

On Love and Life after 50 eNewsletter – May 8, 2020

The Letter – Senior Sex no time to waste

By Columnist Tom Blake

You may recall that last week’s eNewsletter was a bit off the wall. It featured a woman, age 30, who insisted on a six-month pre-marriage trial with her fiancé, age 59, where they slept together, but had no physical contact, no hand holding, not one hug or kiss. She considered the trial “a success.” They married.

After the wedding she was shocked to find out he wanted sex.

Her letter had been sent to me in 2001.

There were many, varied responses to her story. The first came from Mark, who said, “I believe you made this up to bring good cheer to your readers. Am I right?”

I replied: “Greta and I are out of town for a week. When I get back to Dana Point, I will scan her letter and send it to you.

“I found it in the garage in a box of old column stuff. Thought to myself, this can be a column someday.

“Letter is for real. Glad you enjoyed it.”

Mark said, “I didn’t doubt for a minute that the letter was real. As they say, you can’t make this stuff up!”

Mark’s right; I don’t have the imagination to create something like that. Here’s part of the actual letter:

The Letter – from 20 September 2001

Helen, Arizona, responded, “Thanks for the laugh. Oh me. Sometimes I wonder. Are there really people walking around our country like this? Wonder if she made the whole thing up? Doesn’t matter.

“Phil and I have been together since 2003 after meeting on the Net. Didn’t marry. We are 80 and 81 now. Times are not easy, but we are together. We are one of the couples you featured in your book all those years ago.”

Another response came from Laurie Jo: “I read your eNewsletter and had an immediate, strong reaction.

“Things like impotence can be an issue, but there are ways to work around that and other difficulties when we age. I feel happy that I can still ride my horse, do household chores, and walk without any problems.

“I have friends that have hip issues and things like cancer. My point is: why give up intimacy? Why forego or avoid a wonderful part of being alive and capable.”

Twice a widower, “after two good marriages,” John commented. “I’m nearly 80 and every time I think I’ve heard it all regarding love relationships, something comes along to prove me wrong—such as your article last week. The woman in the story must be totally unaware/naive about how the world works–at least pertaining to how men and women relate to each other physically.

“I’m still actively dating and looking for a life-partner. After several dates with a woman, and if it begins to look promising, we start digging down into the weeds of what we’re looking for in a relationship.

“Eventually, I ask if she is interested in a physical relationship. Or, is she just seeking a friend for movies and dinners? I ask because having a physical relationship remains important to me.

“To illustrate how difficult expectations can be, I met a woman on a dating site two years ago who lives three hours away by car. My thinking was, if we were a good fit, it would be worth the drive.

“It turned out she oversees the caregivers who tend to her disabled sister, about a 10-minute drive from my home. I started seeing her when she was in town once or twice a month for six months.

“Then, she invited me to visit her at her home. I spent two nights with her and slept in a separate bedroom; there was no physical contact during the stay. We saw each other on and off when she visited her sister for about a year.

“She continued pursuing me and invited me to her home again, for three nights. I accepted. (Separate bedrooms again.)

“We were watching a TV movie the second night and I attempted to hold her hand, but she was not receptive. At dinner, the third night, I asked her if she was looking for a physical relationship because some women are not.

“She erupted and said, ‘All men are looking for only one thing!’ With that comment, I promptly left.”

“We had no contact for six months when out of the blue she sent me an email apologizing for how she reacted and wanted to get together again. We did but, it was just not-to-be for me.”

An important point from John’s story, Laurie Jo’s comments, and Helen’s comments, even at 70 or 80, for seniors physical contact is important to many men–and women.

Lesson for dating seniors: It’s best to discuss each person’s sexual expectations in the early dating stages of a potential relationship. At 80, we don’t have any time to waste.

Message for Mark: I didn’t make this up either: Because this column is about a letter, and about not having time to waste, the song, “The Letter,” by The Box Tops, 1967, popped into my mind.

Lyrics

“Gimme a ticket to an aeroplane
Ain’t got time for a fast train
Lonely days are gone. I’m a-going home
My baby, just wrote me a letter”

Link to Box Tops song (click on open wide screen and then the red arrow to begin video ):
Link to song “The Letter”

Happy Mother’s Day