On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – Page 7

A Troubled Senior Woman

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
October 6, 2023
A Troubled Senior Woman Seeks Answers
She is conflicted over senior dating
By Columnist Tom Blake

In last week’s eNewsletter, I asked Champs to email me their stories, questions, and observations. One woman, Trish, wanted to share her story. Her story was so captivating, it’s today’s article. It’s three of her emails spliced together. It’s lengthy and complex.

As I read what Trish wrote, I realized her story was far beyond my reach as a relationship columnist. She has deep-seated issues that need attention. I asked Trish for her permission to share her information confidentially with a therapist friend of mine. Trish agreed. You will see in Trish’s email below why I felt this way.

Trish wrote, “I’ve been reading your newsletter for years. I’ve been divorced for 10 years and was in a serious relationship that ended four years ago.

“I am now seeing a man who has pursued me for three years. We dated for almost a year, and I ended it, but he’s back after patiently waiting for me. We ran into each other a few months ago and have seen each other every day since; he adores me.

Tom’s comment: (I added the italics and boldface to the two sentences below for clarity and emphasis.) “My concern is that I’m not capable of that kind of feeling. I’m happy to be with him for the most part, I just can’t envision a whole life with him as he does. We are both fit and healthy.

“He has an incredible and beautiful faith in God and has put my own spiritual journey on a path that is so different and amazing.

“He’s felt from day one when we met that God put me on his path to love and care for me. He waited patiently before asking me out on his boat for an afternoon. Then again, and again.

“His faith allows him to overlook the differences in our feelings towards each other because he feels very strongly that God ‘gave’ me to him for him to care for me.

“Is it wrong to continue in a relationship where there is an imbalance of feelings? I’m afraid of hurting him, I’m 62, he’s 69. He is extremely generous with money and talent. He works on my home, my real true love (lol). I don’t have much to give in return. He is just happy to be with me. There is no physical contact, it isn’t an issue for either of us, so it’s more like best buddies.

“I’m a ‘rough-around-the-edges’ New Yorker. He’s a small-town Southern roughneck. He’s fun, quirky, and a bit of a character. We know the same people and most of them love it that we are back together. He sees marriage, I have no vision.

“I don’t think I can love again, but I most certainly care for him. I have zero interest in a physical relationship, I don’t have so much of myself to give. He has never made a move. We have a great time together; I just don’t really bring much to the table.

“I own my home and have been told I’m ‘sexy.’ I hate that and look 10 years younger. I have a great job that I love (in mental health). He lives on a houseboat, has a pontoon boat, and drives nice vehicles. He’s not unattractive; he’s been on his own for 13 years.

“We hadn’t seen each other for a year, he walked into a local pub where I was playing pool and it was amazing to see him and reacquaint. We have seen each other just about every day since.

“I was hurt 10 years ago to a level for which I can’t find words. I’ve risen above it financially and spiritually and found my peace with me alone, not lonely.

“I live in the South and find myself in another world, Tony world, that I mostly embrace. He’s a true ‘redneck’ with a Southern Drawl. I’m 62, he’s 69.

“He’s proposed a few times, more of a business transaction, as he thinks he will live past 100, but wants to make sure I am taken care of. I have no desire to find another man, I’ve got tons of opportunities, including ex-boyfriends from as far back as high school. Pisses me off that I wasn’t good enough then but now I am? Disgusting.

“As far as settling? I have a life, two amazing sons, that I raised on my own since they were 13 and 14. They have both launched successfully. I love my home albeit it needs some attention. He is always doing something around here for me.

“I have a career, a few bucks in the bank, not much, but I pay my bills. A small circle of friends, I’ll never trust or really fit in here. The people are basically all kind. I took up pool, lol, and am getting pretty good at it too! There is no real culture here. I don’t drive at night. A medium-sized city is 30 minutes away.

“I try to travel once a month, as my job is remote. Sometimes friends visit. He has a hard time ‘fitting in’ with people he hasn’t known his whole life, but he tries.

“I am happy for the most part. I struggle with thinking about the long term. This is not the life I imagined for myself. I am stuck in yearning for the days of an intact family, the holidays, and, the other parent helping me parent.

“I am a very angry woman at the deal that I got dealt. I have come a long way personally, but being in a relationship does trip some of my triggers. I don’t know how to be a ‘girlfriend.’ He has proposed to me three times, I just don’t see it, I can’t imagine what that would even look like.

“I remember your eNewsletter about being married and living apart. That I could probably handle, but why get married? I know he would love the whole commitment thing, but we both know how easily that can disappear.

“But, the original question was is it wrong to stay in a relationship where I can’t drum up feelings for him, or probably anybody? I care for him, I enjoy the times we have together and have learned how to adapt when I start to get triggered by the negative thoughts that invade from time to time. The first time we were together it was constant, this second time they were just whispers and not screams. Maybe that’s progress? Maybe my standards have lowered?

“He expresses constant adorations, affirmations, and just pure joy about ‘us.’ He prays over us every night before he leaves my house and thanks God for me. He has taken my spiritual journey to a whole higher level and that is what I adore about him.

“Here is what I don’t adore about him. He has no ‘class.’ I know that’s mean, but I could have dinner at the White House with a few hours’ notice.

“He, not so much. The intellect and the culture are just not there, even if he exudes confidence, it’s at a much smaller level.

“Is this what compromise is supposed to be? Is this enough? The idea of finding or being found by another man is not something I want to do. I honestly just don’t think I have the energy for it. The online dating thing was just pure entertainment for me, so silly.

“Also, the idea of having to be physical is a ‘hard no’ for me. He obviously is not interested either.

“In this little town where I live, residents think a great steak dinner is at LongHorn Steakhouse, and other than KFC, there aren’t many places to go. So, meeting someone here would be very challenging as well. The other thing I struggle with is my two boys seeing their mom dating. They like him; they see how good he is to me and appreciate that.

“This email I wrote to you has been very therapeutic. I appreciate the opportunity to get this all out.

Tom’s response to Trish. “You said you were surprised I invested so much time into responding to you. That’s true, I have never answered anyone to that extent before. But, I could feel your pain and frustration. Please be proud of yourself for what you’ve accomplished on your own.

“It’s good that you live near your son and you two are close. I’m certain both of your boys (men now) appreciate all you’ve done for them.

“My quick initial take on your question is. As long as you and your rough-neck friend discuss the situation beforehand, and he knows there is no marriage in the future, and you have laid all the cards on the table, and he understands the torture you’ve been through, let it be.

“My psychotherapist friend Debbie will respond to you privately.”

“As often happens, your story and your energy remind me of the words from the Bob Seger song, “In Your Time.” Search for it on Google and listen to the words. This song could become your mantra.”

The Man In Black

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
September 22, 2023
By Columnist Tom Blake

**Jim, Debbie, Shawn (aka Johnny Cash), and Tom**

There are two parts to this week’s eNewsletter
Part 1 – The Man in Black at the Coach House in San Juan Capistrano, Ca

In 1980, I saw Johnny Cash perform live at the Coach House, which at that time was a new musical venue in San Juan Capistrano, California. His touring bus was parked alongside the building. I got to spend some time with him and June Carter on the bus that night before the show. Why? Because I knew Johnny and June well.

I worked with them from 1975-1977 when I was the marketing director for the Victoria Station restaurant chain. I hired Johnny to sing our radio commercials and to be our company spokesperson because of his love for trains. Our restaurants were built out of box cars and cabooses. (see link to website below).

My friend, Jim Fallon, 74, is a widower of one year after 47 years of marriage. We met at a grief share meeting and became buddies, sharing our grief and dating experiences.

Jim was aware of my friendship with Johnny Cash and asked if I’d like to see a tribute band called The Man In Black in concert at the Coach House a week ago Thursday night. I said yes. Jim, my friend Debbie Sirkin, and I enjoyed the show and much more. Let me explain the “much more” comment.

I wanted to meet Shawn Barker, who is Johnny Cash in The Man In Black Tribute Band, and spend time with him before the concert. I checked the Villam Rocks.com website, which manages Shawn, and reached out to their promotion manager, Joey Waterman. I explained who I was and told Joey about my association with Johnny. He very enthusiastically arranged for the pre-concert meeting with Shawn.

Not only did Debbie, Jim, and I get to meet privately with Shawn, but we also got to meet his four band members. The keyboard player, Thomas, is from Copenhagen, Denmark. The bassist player, Shayne, is from Albany, New York. Charlie the drummer is from Nashville, and the bass player Dean is from Australia. What a cool bunch of guys.

In 2006, I wrote and published a book titled, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened To Victoria Station?” (see picture of book cover below). Three chapters in the book are devoted to my association and friendship with the Cash family.

I thought the five band members would enjoy learning what incredible people Johnny and June Carter Cash were from my perspective. Hence, I autographed and presented a book to Shawn and each of the four band members. They were happy with the gift.

(If you’d like an autographed copy of the book, email me and I will sign one and ship it for $16.98, which includes the book, shipping, taxes, handling, and standing in line at the post office to ship it (within the USA). If you purchase the book on Amazon.com, it would cost you $40.00+ and it won’t be autographed.)

The Coach House is located about 100 yards from the historical Mission San Juan Capistrano. Gary Folgner, the Coach House founder and still owner, opened the venue in 1980.

On last week’s visit there, I said hello to another old friend, Johnny the bartender, who has worked at the Coach House for 38 years.

The Tribute band led by Shawn was awesome. They played Orange Blossom Special, A Boy Named Sue, One Piece at a Time, Hey Porter, Get Rhythm, Folsom Prison Blues, Cry Cry Cry, Big River, Ghost Riders in The Sky, and, of course, the two biggies that Johnny Cash is known for, Ring of Fire, and I Walk The Line.

I was honored when Shawn introduced me to the audience as probably the only person there who had known Johnny. That was an honor. Several people from the audience introduced themselves after the show.

Also, the band’s version of Will The Circle Be Unbroken had people on their feet like they were at a revival meeting.

I had goosebumps most of the night. Johnny had taken me into San Quentin Prison for a concert in 1977 so when Shawn sang Folsom Prison Blues, I could really relate to the atmosphere inside the walls of Folsom.

Jim said, “The energy, talent, and personality of Shawn, aka The Man in Black, was breathtaking. He had the audience involved during the entire show. If you ever get a chance to see this The Man in Black Tribute band, do it.

“And keep an eye on upcoming performances at the Coach House. You’ll love the vibe there. Our food server Hollie is the best—so busy, so friendly, and smart. We in Orange County are truly blessed to have such a wonderful music venue in San Juan Capistrano. And, it’s usually packed with people aged 50 to 75. ”

Debbie said, “I felt like Johnny Cash was in the room, both in voice and charisma. The entire audience appeared to be as mesmerized as we were. I was so proud to have been with Tom, the only person in the room who actually knew Johnny.”

I know that my friends Johnny and June Cash were smiling from above that night, and I gave them a thumbs up from the Coach House, the venue where I had been with them in person, almost 45 years before.

After the show, near the exit door of the Coach House, Jim, Debbie, and I said goodbye to Shawn and complimented him on a memorable performance. Each of us felt a warm glow as we drove to our homes.

If you would like to hear Johnny Cash sing the Victoria Station 30-second radio commercials he recorded, go to the website www.vicsta.com. On the home page, near the top, you will see a white square with >> an arrow pointing to the right. click on it and you will hear Johnny sing 3 commercials.

Part 2 – Tom on a podcast
I was interviewed by Bela Gandhi, the founder of The Smart Dating Academy, on a podcast last week, which aired this past Monday. This is an audio and video podcast, so I’m seen for about an hour (wish I had smiled more and I hope I don’t put you to sleep). The link to the podcast is below.
https://youtube/TVQKfjQUxWs

The book Tom autographed to The Man In Black tribute band members

Jim, Debbie, Shawn (aka Johnny Cash), and Tom

From The Senior Dating Mailbag

Tom Blake Columnist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

September 15, 2023

From the Senior Dating Mailbag

Today, I feel a bit like Bob Dylan, with words from his song, “Like A Rolling Stone,” one of the most classic songs of all time. Namely, the words, “How does it feel, to be on your own, with not direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone.” (see link below).

In other words, today’s newsletter isn’t just focused on one topic or one direction—no dogs and senior dating, no animals in senior dating, no ghosting stories, no double-whammy events—just some items that arrived in the mailbag, as famous San Francisco Chronicle columnist, Herb Caen, used to call some of his columns. Simply, “From The Mailbag.” So here we go.

Maggie, “I don’t date anymore because I’m convinced there’s a wave of divorces about to hit the market and I can get a pre-trained one for a real bargain.”

Rhonda emailed, “I am a widow. My husband of 38 years died in December 2007 of lung cancer. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I have three children, a daughter aged 50, and two sons, ages 47 and 43. They are decent and hard-working people and lead full and busy lives.

“Am I looking for a mate? Yes, but not very hard. My attitude has been that if the right person falls in my lap, I would probably be pleased. At least my attitude is almost that bad. Yes, I know you’ve warned about that attitude in your column several times and you are probably right. I just don’t like the idea of meeting someone online.”

Tom’s comment to Rhonda: What I’ve said is people rarely have the right person fall into their lap. I encourage senior singles to get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in activities they enjoy. Senior social interaction is important for seniors, especially their health.

And when out and about, singles should be assertive and willing to say hello to strangers who appeal to them. Notice, I did not say aggressive.

I feel one of the best ways to meet someone is still the old-fashioned way, senior dating networking through friends, family, co-workers, and nearly anyone you meet. A woman can say to a man she sees, “I’m single. Do you have any single male friends who are about my age?” And men can say the same, “Do you have any single women friends…” Who knows? The person may respond by saying, “I’m single. Would you like to have coffee?”

And Rhonda, online dating is a personal choice. I’ve done it for about six months now on Match.com, and because Champ Bruce in Ohio suggested I try a site called Zoosk, I’ve been on there as well. I’ve met many nice women who I would not have met otherwise. Who knows? Will someone be the one from one of those sites? Perhaps. I think there is a strong chance of that happening. While there are many issues and considerations and cautions with online dating, it did give me hope as I emerged from the fog of loss.

And as many single Champs know, a bit of hope in a lonely single existence can lift one’s spirits.

I admit that I have taken a hiatus from those sites. Why? I just need to catch my breath. I’m fortunate to have male friends I spend time with and can talk to openly as some of them are in similar situations as I.

And while mentioning online dating, I was interviewed on a podcast this week with the founder, Bela, of the Smart Dating Academy, an online dating advisory service. We were discussing how to reduce disappointing first dates due to misleading photos or personality differences. She suggests people do two or three video chats with a potential date before meeting in person. She suggested Google Meet, a free app that people can use. I think that’s a great idea.

Of course, both people must agree to the pre-first date video. If a person is unwilling to do that, that would be a red flag.

She said people can discover if they have a connection and attraction for each other via the videos. If they do not, they save time and possible embarrassment without even leaving their homes. I will let you know when my recorded podcast interview will air in the future.

Champ John emailed, “Relationship coach Christine Baumgartner’s advice in a recent eNewsletter that treating your human partner as well as you treat your pets is some of the best reader advice I’ve seen in your eNewsletters. I’m going to have to keep that in mine.

Tom’s comment: Christine has been a Champ for years. She and Barry Selby have a weekly podcast about dating and relationship issues. Here’s a link to one of the recent informational emails she sent me.

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ik=c55b9a8fc7&view=pt&search=all&permthid=thread-f:1776778312015180910&simpl=msg-f:1776778312015180910

Phubbing

Another thing that has popped up recently in senior dating and marriages is a phenomenon called “phubbing.” What the heck is that you might ask? It’s when people prefer the company of their smartphones more than the company of their partners. It’s causing increased conflicts among couples. And research has discovered that phubbing negatively impacts intimacy.

One study revealed that almost 17 percent of women will interrupt intimacy to check their phone. Holy cow, that’s astounding. Can you imagine, during intimacy, the partner says, “Excuse me honey, I need to order a pizza.” Or “I forgot to call my friend Jane back so this will only take a minute.”

And now, social media even makes phubbing worse. Often people check their social media outlets multiple times each day. Studies fear phubbing will increase the divorce rate.

Cell phones are bad enough. We see improper cell phone usage all too often. We’ve all experienced when the traffic light turns green and the car in front of us doesn’t move because the person is texting or using their phone.

And, how about the people walking down a sidewalk who virtually run into you because they are only paying attention to their cell phones. I am tempted to say (and do under my breath often), “Get off your….ing cell phone.”

Also, what amazes me is when people walk across a street reading their cell phones and are oblivious to traffic that could hit them.

Don’t let phubbing ruin a first date. Turn off your phone and look at it later.

That’s it for this week. I need to check my phone messages. And I’m not even on a date.

Link to, Like A Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwOfCgkyEj0

I Don’t Want To Hurt You But…

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter

September 8, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

I don’t want to hurt you but…

The double-whammy of senior dating

An email from a woman Champ this week inspired today’s topic. She’s 70, and her partner of 11 years passed away months ago, which devastated her. She’s trying to dip her toes into the senior dating waters. One thing she’s done is to go online.

She wrote, “For weeks and weeks, a man who lived an hour away and I texted and had long and fun conversations. Finally, we met in person. It felt like we knew each other. There he was, a nice tall man waiting for me at the table; we sat there for three and a half hours, laughing talking, and sharing.

Tom’s comment: Weeks and weeks were too long to wait. When single seniors have an interest in each other, they should try to meet in person as soon as possible. In that way, if there is no connection, little time has been wasted. People sometimes fall in love with an image, someone they have never seen face-to-face, and that usually doesn’t go well. You must see someone in person to judge the chemistry.

She continued talking about the first date, “He wanted to see me again and kissed me several times before I got in my car. Once home, I got a text saying what a great time he had, and couldn’t wait to see me again. Then nothing, no text, no email, no phone call, ever again. I checked the obituaries to ensure he hadn’t passed away.”

She had been ghosted by him. She was still hurting from losing her mate and meeting him had provided a little hope, which had built up over the weeks. She was vulnerable and his disappearance hurt. Not a huge hurt as it was only one date, but that rejection added to the big hurt.

She had suffered what I call “the double-whammy of senior dating,” which is when you are still grieving a big loss and then you incur another loss on top of the big loss.

Another Champ, a widower, shared his story. He said, “Seven months after my wife passed, I was trying to combat senior loneliness, so I tried online dating and met several women. No one clicked. Either they weren’t attracted to me, or I wasn’t attracted to them, or they lived too far away. Plus, ages were misrepresented (claiming they were younger than they were) and photos were deceptive and not properly dated.

Then, one Saturday night, a nice woman online reached out to me. We had an instant strong mutual attraction. She lived within five miles of me.

“She still worked and had children somewhat nearby, so her availability was limited, but we made the most of our time together. I was slowly growing fond of her, and she also of me, but to a lesser degree, which she reminded me of at times.

“We had amazing chemistry. I cared a lot. Sometimes we’d take a break from each other, but we always reunited a short time later. We didn’t have an exclusive agreement but neither one was dating anyone seriously. At least that was my impression and I assumed neither one of us was sleeping with anyone else–at least I wasn’t.

“She started finding fault in me and told me she didn’t want to be tied down to one person. Something had changed in her feelings toward me. She reminded me that we were both free to date others, which was a small dart in the heart, but we continued to see each other a couple of times a week.

“Then, recently she said, “I don’t want to hurt you but…” She was going away for a few days. And it was not to be with her kids and grandkids. She went to the same far-away city twice with no explanation to me. I surmised that perhaps she was sleeping with another man she had met online, although that was never verified. After she returned the second time, I questioned her and she said she didn’t.

“On top of the passing of my wife, I had lost her as well. That really hurt. Two losses in less than a year.

“Her version of what happened in the relationship would definitely be different. There are always two sides to a story. But I think I’m a pretty good dude so I must roll with the flow and try to find someone whose life I can enhance and who loves me as well.

Tom’s comment: This man’s story is another example of the double-whammy of senior dating. Losing someone you care about while still missing your spouse or life partner. As the two stories above reveal, it can happen to both men and women.

My advice to the woman who got ghosted is to pick yourself up and keep trying. Don’t give up.

My advice to the man is to continue putting yourself out there. You know you will meet other nice women. But, keep in touch with her because you and she have such a strong connection, that she may rethink her position. She might come to her senses and realize she might lose you and maybe you will be back together trying to work it out.

The man’s story reminds me of the Neil Diamond song “Solitary Man.” See the link below. There are actually two links included in today’s eNewsletter.

True, there can be other losses that are difficult to deal with while grieving the big loss of an ex-spouse or partner. The loss of a dog or other loved animal can be a subset of the double-whammy of senior dating. How much pain can people tolerate?

There may be some Champs who feel that both of the above people decided to date too soon after the loss of a loved one. That’s not the issue here. Everybody heals differently. And as Elvis once said, “Don’t judge me if you haven’t walked in my shoes.”

The Bottom Line

When meeting a new potential mate, through an introduction by a friend, or while walking your dog, or, even online, proceed with caution and don’t wear blinders. Realize that you are still going to miss your previous mate, so, you’re already vulnerable.

But let’s say something clicks with a new person and you slowly find yourself caring for him or her. You wonder, “Can this really be happening to me?” Be sure there is honesty and trust established.

Chemistry might lead to intimacy. Enjoy and relish that. But watch out and listen for red flags. If the person constantly refers to an ex-lover, or starts finding fault with you, take that as a warning sign. You don’t want to get unexpectedly bopped by the double-whammy of senior dating.

Links to two appropriate songs

While writing today’s eNewsletter, I thought about two songs. Both are linked below.

Neil Diamond’s “Solitary Man.” I love the trumpet player and the other guys on the horns.

Here’s the link. By the way, this recording of the song was recorded at Hot August Night III at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. Greta and I were there.

Link to Neil Diamond

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?&q=solitary+man+by+neil+diamond&&mid=F20E9AED677C369D1046F20E9AED677C369D1046&&FORM=VRDGAR

Neil Diamond “Solitary Man”

And I also thought about the song by Rod Stewart and Amy Belle, “I Don’t Want To Talk About It,” (how you broke my heart). It’s a classic whammy love song. The link is below.

The song is accompanied by the Royal Philharmonic orchestra. Watch particularly for Ms. Bell’s captivating smile and the incredible woman Saxophone player! And finally, how the audience nearly takes over the song near the end. Rod and Amy love that as well.

Link to Rod Stewart and Amy Belle

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=rod+stewart+and+amy+belle&mid=5D232BAAC961D04CE3FA5D232BAAC961D04CE3FA

Rod Stewart and Amy Belle

Animals and Senior Dating

More comments about animals and senior love

On Love And Love After 50 eNewsletter

by Columnist Tom Blake

September 1, 2023

LJJ, a woman Champ said, “I don’t like dogs. They are sycophants (try to please people) and I’m glad others like them, but they are not for me. I’m ok with cats, if the cats stay off countertops, but you know they go there when we aren’t watching.

“I have a horse. He’s kind. He loves anybody. He’s non-reactive. He listens to me when I ride and he tries very hard to do what I ask him.

“I also have a parakeet. Who also loves anybody. He, however, likes to flap his wings and stuff goes all over. So he’s not allowed on counters here.

“I guess as we age, we get more set in our ways. And this factor could influence dating in our age group.

“If a pet is well-behaved, clean, groomed, and pleasant, I’m fine with that.

But I have dated men in the past that have dogs that get the run of the house, butt scooting, licking, etc. Ugh.

“But that’s how I feel. Not judging if someone else thinks that’s ok. It’s just that I personally don’t want to deal with that.”

Rick, “After my divorce, my ex-wife took two of my greatest loves away from me. Not only did she get custody of my two young kids (for a while), but my two dogs that I considered my other two kids!

“Thank God, she left me with a young pig we had given our boys as a gift, and this animal was so full of love, affection, and appreciation for his dad (me) that I couldn’t believe it.

“I had BRILLIANT dogs. My domestic pig, Rocky, was so amazing that he became my awesome friend. He was housebroken within 3 days, and when he was hungry, he would bring me his dish and sit up, asking for dinner. I never taught him that.

“He slept next to me and when the alarm would go off in the morning, he would kiss my face to make sure I awakened.

“He brought me my slippers, newspaper, and laid by my side as long as I was home. His intelligence level was so superior to my dogs that it was hard to believe, but I saw it and loved him for 8 years. When he died, I felt I had lost the rest of my world.”

Christine Baumgartner, a Champ and relationship coach, said, “I’ve heard this challenge from both men and women about their potential dates as well as their partners. They complain they don’t get as much love and attention from humans as they get from their pets. One of the questions I ask them is, ‘Do you give your human companions the same amount of love and affection you give to your pets?’ If they’re honest they admit the answer is often no.’

“So, I suggest for a month to concentrate on giving the same amount (or even more) attention to their partner and see what happens. It’s been fun to see how many human relationships can be turned into happier ones with this change.

“It’s, of course, important to confirm the type of attention your partner enjoys and makes them feel cared about and loved and do exactly that (even if it’s not the way you feel cared about). It’s often more than a pat on the head or a belly rub like your pet.

“And I’ve found when one person makes this effort the other person starts giving more back.”

FF said, “I find more men have dogs today and bring them everywhere. I don’t like that. I used to have dogs and a cat for 17 years. Loved my cat. Now, I’m a ‘pet-free’ dating woman. It ties you down….

Thyrza emailed, “My guy friend, has ambivalent feelings about dogs. But I am not dating a dog.”

Kim, “When I meet a woman who loves dogs more than people, I think she is governing a fiefdom! In fact, I go as far as to think she is a controller. A major red flag for me. thanks for putting that out there and someone said if you want to know who you resemble, look at the crowd around you! Peace.”

John, “I have a dog and so far he’s been a plus in dating. Then again, I am an animal lover, so I tend to gravitate towards women who have pets.”

Rick, “I agree with the positive role pets can play, as one tries to rebuild their lives after they are left without a man or woman. This is how my animals saved me.

“When my wife of 18 years decided to get a boyfriend, and she managed to get an unfair amount of custody of my two young sons, it broke my heart. I got to see my sons only once every two weeks.

“My two Shelties and my amazingly brilliant domestic pig, Rocky, were there for me every day, and all three were awesome at being my best friends for several years and were probably responsible for me not losing my mental sanity.

“It’s not just women who, while suffering from a devastating breakup, have awesome support, love and great companionship from their ‘four-footed children.’ My pets showed me their love every day and saved my life at its lowest moments.

“Both sexes can be extremely attached to their pet ‘children.’”

Angie said, “Now I have a female dog named Jack (picture of Jack and Angie above) that my was-band (former husband) and I got together, and we let her sleep in the bed. Long story short I think I’m going to be single until the dog passes away.

Currently, “I live in Steamboat Springs Colorado. I hope to travel soon and maybe find a less expensive place to live.

“I doubt if I can train her to sleep elsewhere. She’s seven and has never known anything different, she’s quiet and doesn’t move.

“I ended the relationship- just easier alone.”

Tom’s conclusion: Animals, especially dogs, have a huge influence on senior dating and senior happiness. Next week, we will change to a new senior dating topic. Which one? I don’t know, we will see what the mailbag receives.

Have a great and safe holiday weekend.

Dogs and Senior Dating

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 25, 2023

By Tom Blake Columnist

Last week’s eNewsletter, “Home alone with only dogs for company,” generated several Champ’s responses. It was the word “dogs” that inspired many of the emails, which, led me to ponder the importance of dogs in the senior dating arena.

Carol emailed, “What prompted me to write today was the title of your article. I live with three dogs. They are my roommates, therapists when needed, protectors, and best friends. They bring and share with me unconditional love, something senior daters seek. Men have failed over and over to provide me with that type of love.

“Dogs don’t care what you look like in the morning. My Labrador loves my morning breath, greeting me each morning with the joy and love that only dogs can give.

“If people are fortunate to love dogs, the unconditional love that dogs provide mixed with the peoples’ acceptance of that love, makes a strong bond that requires nothing else. When I meet a potential mate, to proceed to a second date, he must like dogs!

“Let your dogs meet your new friend and the dogs will tell you if this is someone worth your efforts, or not.”

Tom’s comment: Oh wow. If that’s the case, the dog makes the decision. I guess I should take the dog out for coffee instead of taking the woman out.

A different Carol also emailed, “I too ‘live alone’ with a dog, a toy poodle that I’ve had for 13 years. And another one before her. My husband has been gone for several years. I don’t know what I would do without my Daisy. I talk to her just like I would talk to a kid and am sure she understands everything I say to her.”

Since I began senior online dating four months ago, I have been amazed at the number of women’s profiles that feature dogs. A woman might post six photos to her profile. Often, the dog is solo in two or three of those pictures. Or the woman is holding the dog at different angles.

Don’t get me wrong, there are many senior single men who also have dogs or horses. I’ve wondered if a guy walking his dog meets a woman with a dog, do the dogs have to like each other for the couple to have a match or committed relationship? I’ll ask my buddy Jim, he’s single and has a dog (named Hilton) and horses.

In four months of dating, I’ve met dogs named Chanel, Buster, Blue Sky, Milo, Bandit, Sky King, Mukluk, and Bootsy, to name a few, and I’ve liked them all. But that doesn’t mean the dogs’ owners are going to like me.

Going forward, instead of arriving at a woman’s front door with a dozen red roses, I’ll bring a bag of doggie treats to get the dog’s approval.

Also, if you are allergic to dogs, you are kind of screwed in the senior dating arena.

One woman brought her dog to my home. Within minutes of checking out the house, the dog jumped into my leather, swivel office chair. And went to sleep. Too bad he couldn’t help me write an article.

I end today’s column with this senior dating tip for men. If you meet a potential partner who owns a dog, and you want to see the woman again, whether you like her dog or not, tell her you love the dog. It will improve your chances of getting a second date, along with those doggie treats we mentioned earlier.

Home alone with only dogs for company

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 18, 2023

By Tom Blake columnist

Home alone with only dogs for company

People often ask where I learned to write, expecting to hear a reply like “At journalism school.” Or, they ask, “Have you always been a writer?”
I reply: “No journalism school. No formal writing classes, self-taught, and prompted by an unanticipated Christmas holiday event.

In 1993, I was in Santa Rosa, California, visiting my 82-year-old mom, as I did every Christmas holiday, and at least once a month. Santa Rosa is a nine-hour drive from Dana Point where I lived then.

My wife of six years, and her two boys, said they wanted me to have alone time with Mom so they opted to not join me on the trip.

I telephoned home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no one answered. I thought that was strange, as I was unaware of any plans they had made.

On the morning after Christmas, Mom and I were having breakfast at her home. The phone rang. I answered. It was my wife calling.

She said, “Hi honey. We had a great Christmas. I’ve been busy at work. The weather’s been wonderful, and we moved out.”

A bit stunned to say the least, I said, “What do you mean you moved out?” Mom heard my seven words, and her hackles went up.

My wife replied, “Just wanted to let you know. Gotta go. Everything’s fine.” And she hung up.

I hugged Mom goodbye and proceeded to drive back to Dana Point. I didn’t know it at the time, but that nine-hour drive was the start of my writing career.

Why? I had a notepad on my lap. A million thoughts went through my mind. I reminded myself to not be a distracted driver.

As best I could, I jotted down my thoughts. A word here, a word there. Short, incomplete sentences. The first item: What about my dogs, Amy and Kira? Were they gone? Were they still there? Had they been fed or left with water?

The next item: Why did she do it without us discussing it first? By the trip’s end, I had a mishmash of notes on the notepad.

When I pulled into the garage, my dogs barked. They were okay, nothing else mattered, at least at that moment.

My wife and her boys had taken what furniture and household items they wanted and didn’t leave much. I described that in the notepad, which became the start of a diary. I was puzzled, perplexed, and pissed.

A month later, while serving sandwiches during lunchtime at Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point, California, deli, in front of customers and employees, I was served with divorce papers! And, as I was doing every night, I went home and jotted down my thoughts in what then had become sort of a woe-is-me diary.

In two months, the divorce was final. Shortly after the divorce, at age 54, I decided to start dating again, thinking I’d be king of the hill, because lots of single women came to the deli. But those women didn’t want to date a broken man in his early 50s.

Oh my gosh, reality hit harder than I had ever imagined. As I sat on barstools at Brio, Hennessey’s, and other local singles’ hangouts, I’d add the dating misadventures into the diary. Sitting on barstools, I honed my writing skills.
After five months, I converted the notes from the diary into a short story. I edited the material 25 times. It was about 75 pages. I thought I could get the story published.

I sent query letters to The New York Times, LA Times, Playboy Magazine and Esquire. No response. The Orange County Register recommended I contact the Dana Point News, the Register’s community paper in Dana Point.

After reading my short story, the two women editors—Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn–agreed to an in-person meeting.“What do you have in mind?” They asked.

I had no idea, so I just blurted out, “Maybe I could do a dating-after-50 column from a man’s point of view whose wife dumped him at age 54 and he’s trying to date.”

They said, “That’s what we were thinking. You are whining and complaining so much about the cost of dating, and being rejected by all sorts of women, including younger women, we feel the single, middle-aged women of Orange County will have a field day reading your male point of view articles.”

My column was titled, “Middle Aged and Dating Again.”

The first newspaper article was called, “Home alone, with only dogs for Company.” It appeared July 7, 1994–29 years ago–in the South County Lifestyles section of four Orange County Register community newspapers.

Sherrie and Dixie were right about the vitriolic responses from women.

The first comment was, “Who is this sniveling puke?”

The second: “Get the boy a crying towel.”

And the third: “He complains that younger women won’t go out with him. It’s a wonder any woman will go out with him.”

Welcome to the 1994 dating trenches, Tom.

Soon the column appeared in 10 OC Register community papers. And then for eight years, it was also in the Register itself, the nation’s 20^th largest newspaper, as well as the community papers. Opportunity had arisen from adversity. The unexpected move-out by my wife turned out to be a blessing in my life.

Eleven years ago, in 2012, I was fortunate to join the team at Picket Fence Media—the publishers of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch. My column title, “Finding Love After 50.”

I learned last week that Picket Fence Media has been sold to the Times Media Group, a collection of 29 newspapers in Arizona and around Los Angeles.
My publisher told me that the new owners want me to keep writing my columns. There’s a chance that my column might be included in even more newspapers. I hope so.

The number of columns and eNewsletters written in 29 years is approaching 4,600.

Why was that divorce 29 years ago the best thing that ever happened to me? It launched a writing career that has been more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. It brought appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.

And more importantly, it opened the door for me to meet Greta, a partner with whom I shared so many incredible experiences in the 25 years we were together before she passed away last October.

And now it’s back to being single. And because of you Champs, I realize I am not alone in trying to find a new direction and maybe be fortunate again to find a mate. We’ve got lots of Champs who are widows, widowers, never-married, and divorced people who have suffered a hell of a lot more adversity than I have. Many are grieving now.

Please hug them, listen to them, and be friends with them. There’s a huge cloud of emptiness and loneliness around them, which I can relate to.

Have things changed on the dating scene in 29 years? Not much, except now there is online dating with romance scammers on every Internet dating site. Plus, now, instead of focusing on dating after 50, the focus includes dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—hard to meet someone compatible. And as we age, women tell me there aren’t enough men.

For those who have suffered a major setback in life, try–as hard as it is currently for you–to include social interaction in your routines.
Join groups, help each other, give lots of hugs, and be thankful for life. Look for that seed of opportunity to soothe the pain. It’s out there somewhere, you just need to keep an eye out for it.

Have a purpose in life, whether it’s volunteering, gardening, sewing, joining a book club, or enjoying your friends and family.

And pray for the people of Hawaii, especially the people of Maui.

Thanks to you women and men Champs for being so important and special in my life.

Senior dating: Who Pays for the Date?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
August 11, 2023?
Who Pays for The Senior Date By Columnist Tom Blake

Who pays for the senior date?
The man, the woman or do they share?

An email from a long-time Champ inspired today’s eNewsletter.

Cheryl wrote, “I’m 68 and gave up on dating, especially online, because I was getting a lot of overseas scammers and I also experienced a group of men who were classless, meaning, they were cheap.
“I don’t need anyone to pay my way, but in my life, I’ve experienced people who have the means to treat me to the niceties of life and were happy to do it.

“I’m always surprised that women say if a man pays for dinner, the men expect something else, (like a roll in the hay)-so crass. I’m not sure what to think about men who don’t at least buy a drink or a light meal that might make a nice impression. If they don’t, am I to think they might be frugal and the rest of my life with them will be lacking in the things that I enjoy?”

Tom’s response to Cheryl: “I always pay. Sometimes a woman will strongly insist she pays for her own expense on the first date. And if I don’t let her, she will be offended so I let her. However, I’m old-fashioned, I’m very casual when the bill arrives. I’ll break her hand if she reaches for it. That’s how my parents raised me.

Cheryl responded, “I’m glad you shared with me that you pay. I’m not a feminist and also have old-fashioned values even though I have been a businesswoman and savvy real estate and stock investor (only saying this because some of us women are financially stable and not looking to take advantage of men). I guess there’s a group out there who ruins things for everyone.”

This “Who Pays for the Date?” issue has been a concern in senior dating for years. In fact, I wrote and published an ebook titled, “Who Pays for the Date?” in 2009.

In thinking about Cheryl’s “Who Pays” question this week, I went to Smashwords, my online ebook bookstore (the second largest ebook bookstore in the world after Amazon.com), and reread my book.

Humbly I say, it’s a wonderfully entertaining 16-page book and right on the money (pun not intended). Very little has changed in 14 years. I’m offering it to you Champs today for $1.99 (remember it’s an ebook, not a printed book). Most of what I wrote still applies today. See the link to the book at the end of today’s eNewsletter. Here’s a short excerpt from my 2009 book about my personal friend Buddy.

“Since Bobby and the woman were meeting in her neck of the woods, 15 miles from where he lived, he asked her to select the restaurant where they would meet. This was Buddy’s first mistake; he was no longer in control of where he’d be spending his money on a woman he’d never met.
“Early the next morning after their first date, the e-mails started flying my way. Buddy wrote, ‘Nicki has expensive tastes! I would have preferred a coffee shop, but what could I do after I was at the expensive restaurant?’”

Lesson learned. Buddy was foolish for asking Nicki to pick the meeting place. Since he initiated the date, he should have taken control and suggested coffee in a less expensive place. When men are paying for a first date, they shouldn’t give the woman carte blanche to choose where to meet. If a woman offers to pick the place, the man should say, “Thanks for the offer, but I want our date to be special, so I’ll choose the place.”

Champ Jim said, “I think men should pick up the tab on the first few dates and share the costs occasionally after–if the women financially are capable to help. The women don’t need to pick up the bill but going Dutch or at least offering to pay is a start. Some women expect the man to pay it always and never offer to help.”

Tom’s comment: Two weeks ago, I agreed to meet a woman who lived 30 miles away. I was going to her city on another project so I figured I’d multi-task: complete my project and meet a nice new person I’d met online. We agreed on 3:30 p.m. for coffee in her city. I asked her to choose the meeting location. She mentioned a restaurant. I didn’t check on it online, but soon found out it was an elegant, high-class, expensive French restaurant.

My drive to meet her, which normally takes a half hour, took two hours due to traffic problems. So, I needed a glass of wine, not coffee. When I got to the restaurant, I was seated outside at a patio dining table. The woman arrived a few minutes later. Instead of coffee, we each ordered a glass of wine.

Since the restaurant was empty, a waiter kept bugging us about ordering appetizers or an early dinner. I wasn’t hungry; she was. She ordered dinner, fresh sea bass, caught locally. I had a Gazpacho appetizer: $14.00. The bill for our wine, her dinner, my soup, and the tip was $162.43. I paid without batting an eye but cursed at myself for letting this happen.

Lesson learned. Going forward, I will designate the place and that our first date is for “coffee only.”

Three days later, I met a nice woman at a coffee shop near my home. When I got there, she had already bought and paid for her coffee. I got a coffee for me: $3.29. We had a delightful time.

Also in 2009, I was a columnist for The Orange County Register. I quoted an article I had read titled, “Courting Costs Are Yours, Too, Ladies,” by humor columnist Amy Alkon(www.advicegoddess.com). Amy wrote: “If a woman considers herself a man’s equal, her equality shouldn’t evaporate when the check comes. The point here isn’t calculating each person’s outlay to the bent dime. Just that dating shouldn’t send men to the bankruptcy court and women to the mall.”

In that column, I added, “Men want to see a little jingle come from the woman’s purse to help contribute to the exorbitant cost of dating.”

Tom’s 5 tips in 2023 on who should pay for the senior date

1 On a first date, the man should almost always pay. No matter if the woman wants to pay her half. However, the man should designate the place to meet and the time, and always specify, “coffee,’ whether he or she drinks it or not. Optional: tea. And the man should designate the place if he initiated the date.

2 On the second date, the man should also pay. UNLESS she suggests a pricey outing. If that’s the case, I feel the man needs to step forward and say something like, “That’s a bit out of my budget. I just paid my daughter’s Harvard University tuition and I’m on a tight budget now” (or some similar flimsy excuse).

3 If two seniors become a couple, on the third date and going forward, a discussion on “Who Pays?” needs to happen soon. This is where love, understanding, caring, and sharing enter the picture. Communication takes over, a key to senior relationship success.

4 When the woman is more comfortable financially than the man, they need to lay the cards on the table and work out an amenable arrangement. This is where fairness and a willingness to compromise enter the scene. And that may enhance the longevity of the senior relationship.

5 If he always pays, she can equalize things by cooking him dinner at home.

Link to Smashwords, the eBook bookstore:

Link to Who Pays for the senior date?

Senior Relationship Breakups

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 4, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

When seniors get dumped by a mate

Editor’s note: The cover photo is of Matt and Cheryl. Their story is included below near the bottom of the article.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about Jack, age 73, whose 15-year-younger girlfriend told him she was moving out, after he had been in the hospital with “a serious illness.” She had lived with him at his home for 10 years. He was devastated and is still trying to overcome the heartache he’s felt for several months.

I wrote last week, “When adversity hit in the form of his senior illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.” Oh wow, that comment didn’t sit well with some women Champs.

Patty emailed, “You got the hair up on my neck when you wrote that sentence. I had a similar situation with a man I was crazy about. He took advantage of me every chance he could.

“He went into the hospital with a serious health situation, and I was there by his side. During his stay, I found out he lied to me about something and that was a deal breaker for me.

“He was still seeing a woman when he looked at me in the face and swore he wasn’t. Was it harmless?

“That wasn’t the point…he looked at me right in my eyes and said he wasn’t. And he did, right before I drove up to LA to take him, hold his hand, put a cold cloth on his bald little head, as he lay in recovery. And he was still texting her on my birthday.

“I painfully left him there in the hospital. Doing so was so against my gut core that it physically broke me for a while.

“Tom don’t assume all sides of a story are true until you hear them. I had been a tireless, faithful caregiver for my husband for 10 years (Married 45 years) and I wasn’t about to go through that pain again for someone that lacked personal integrity.

“I’m still not over feeling bad for leaving him there–four months later–but I also couldn’t have lived with a guy that looked at me in the face and lied to me. Two sides… two stories.

I’m sure Jack’s version, leaving out a lot of reality, would break your heart too.

Be gentle my friend…maybe she was crazy about a player too… but found out her well-being was better without him, as painful as that was.

“Maybe it was her turn now.”

Sandy, “Jack’s story leads one to believe that he was abandoned after experiencing an illness. This happens and he greased the wheels for this by living together and not getting married. However, perhaps there is more to it than we know. Maybe his words ‘We had a challenging relationship’ are a rosy euphemism for a troubled relationship.

“While the woman left, let’s remember that men leave living-together relationships and marriages as well and he could have exercised that option at any time including if she had become ill.

“Most men (this includes my father, a 91-year-old widower) want a younger woman on their arm.

“A relationship with a younger woman certainly can work but it is a minefield which men REFUSE to acknowledge. Late marriages to younger women are not always love matches and men who don’t want to acknowledge this are taking a significant risk. The bigger the age difference, the greater the risk.

“Most of these – especially young women who target older men–are only looking to trade sex for security. Most men want to believe the fantasy that a 35-year-old is madly in love with them at age 70.”

Tom’s thoughts: I take issue with Sandy’s comment that most men believe a woman half their age would be madly in love with them. I don’t know of any men who think a woman half their age would be madly in with them. Not one guy.

Also, regarding the earlier comment that most men want a younger woman on their arm. This is a gray area. How much younger? On my first online date, the woman asked, “What is the age range you are looking for?” Remember, Champs, I’ve reached 80. I said, “Between 72 and 79.”

She was aghast. She said, “You men are all alike, trying to date younger women.” Then, she looked at the sky and said, “The sun just came out. I am leaving to go do my swimming laps.” She stood up and left, never to be seen by me again.

Is between one and nine years younger considered dating a younger woman at my age? Holy cow!

Sandy continued, “Recently this happened to a long-time guy friend who is 71. A woman (35) carried on with him for two years. She wanted out of her marriage. He paid for an apartment and furniture and more. Eventually, I encouraged him to grant her wish which was to come and stay at his home for two weeks. (I encouraged this because I knew he would see that she was not sincere).

“She brought a girlfriend. He hosted them for two weeks and then the two women did not want to leave. By this time, he realized the only love there was – was for his bank account. They stayed another two weeks. Then the girl went home and left her girlfriend there.

“The girlfriend made a sexual proposition (yes, really) but she was turned down by him and she finally left. The girl returned to her husband and young child. This unveiling incident lasted almost six weeks and my friend was understandably depressed at finding out that he was not loved for himself.

“It took a while, but he recovered, and it was certainly better than continuing to believe the fantasy or base a permanent relationship on the fantasy.

“The risks are further amplified if either or both partners have previous unsuccessful marriages. Baggage times the number of marriages.

“Younger women willingly make sacrifices to be with an older man. It requires certain sacrifices for the man as well. It’s unrealistic for men to think they are going to have a longstanding relationship with a younger woman and not acknowledge how the age disparity can change expectations.

Cheryl shared, “I’m home recovering nicely from an auto accident earlier this month, and grateful for all the support I’ve received and especially for all Matt’s (my partner) help during this difficult time. Having been his caregiver through several surgeries and cancer treatments, our roles have reversed recently due to my accident.

“When I ventured into online dating, one of the guys online commented on his profile that he wasn’t looking for a ‘nurse’ and didn’t want to be contacted by anyone looking for a ‘purse.’ The comment offended me then and still does.

“Although I understood his concern, at our age, none of us knows when we might need a ‘nurse.’ When Matt and I became serious and made the commitment to each other for ‘the rest of the journey,’ we also decided to live together.

“As it turned out, Matt has experienced several health challenges as I mentioned I have had the role of ‘nurse’ several times since we’ve been together. He has never resented or felt like he was my ‘purse’ and I haven’t felt like or resented being his ‘nurse.’ We have contributed to our relationship in different ways but neither of us has felt used nor do we have any regrets about making the commitment to each other. On the contrary, we feel extraordinarily blessed and grateful to have found love and companionship with each other in our senior years.

“Sandy mentioned this past week ‘the risk of having any relationship.’ Perhaps the greatest risk is allowing ourselves to trust another person with not only our feelings but our physical and financial security. Those risks are present at any age, not just in our senior years.

“A dear friend advises, ‘Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.’ There are no guarantees in any relationship, but no relationship is possible without taking risks. Matt and I are certainly grateful we did!

Tom, “I have a friend who is dealing with the grief of losing his wife one year ago. He felt he needed to sell his horse and was feeling sad because it was the loss of an animal he loved. So, any loss, not just of a spouse or partner, can leave a hole in a person’s heart, especially after we’ve already lost the spouse or partner.

Even the loss of someone we’ve dated for just a short time, and care for. It’s not just that he or she passed away. Either person could decide the relationship wasn’t for them.

Senior dating is wonderful when you meet someone and form an exclusive relationship. But maybe one of the partners, or both, rushed in a little too deep and a little too hard. Red flags can be when a potential mate says, “Oh, you seem to care more than I do.” And then the same person says a few days later, “I need more alone time.”

And yet, you try to make it work because you care, and yet you are vulnerable.

And then he or she leaves. It’s only natural to feel sad. Is the other person wrong or mean? No, they are just being honest. You’ve got to just “let it be” and get your profile page updated. Yikes.

Makes me think of the song by Foreigner, “I Want To Know What Love Is.”

Ignoring senior relationship warning signals

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 21, 2023

A man ignored senior relationship warning signals

By Columnist Tom Blake

Shame on the Moon

A man ignored senior relationship warning signals

(Note from Tom: the photo above is Tom negotiating a pre-nuptial agreement for two seniors thinking of getting married. It’s a joke of course.)

A man we’ll call Jack emailed this week: “Tom, I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and thought I’d share another episode in the senior arena of relationships.

“I’m 73 and a well-educated guy with a doctorate after a 45-year successful career. About 12 years ago (at age 61) I met a very attractive woman, 15 years younger, in my same profession. We fell in love quickly.

“After a year of dating, we decided to move in together, on the condition as she said, “We should be getting married or engaged before moving in together.” Signal #1.

“I/we bought a townhome on the premise we would marry and then we moved in together. Her name went on the title based on the prospect of marrying, per my attorney and hers. Signal #2. (Senior dating – moving in together)

“We continued to live together for the next 10 years, traveling, dining out, and enjoying life. We attempted to prepare a pre-nuptial agreement but could not come to terms. Signal #3.

Our relationship was mostly peaceful and intertwined but with challenging personalities. I paid 100% of everything over a 10-year period. Signal #4 (in senior dating who pays?)

It was not a perfect relationship. I’ve taken responsibility for what I contributed to the challenges along the way. I won’t go into the messy details.

“I became seriously ill in December 2022, requiring a week hospital stay. Two weeks after the hospital release, my companion announced she had purchased a condo elsewhere and was moving out in a month. Final Signal.

  “I was devastated and fell into all the grief stages at once. I felt the worst pain ever. It’s now been six months; lawyers are involved with trying to have her name removed from the deed so I can move on. It’s getting messy. I’m an unmarried man (thankfully) but feel like a divorced man.

“I’ve been in therapy to understand what happened and why it happened, and to better know myself. Therapy has been a grateful help and I’m getting better with time. My former companion has a new partner, but how long it has been going on I don’t know. I was loyal.

“What I’ll pass along from what I’ve learned…and I’m still learning…. Do not take your partner for granted. Express your love continuously. Think straight about the legal ramifications of relationships and protect yourself.

“Take personal responsibility for your errors and apologize in a way that enables your partner to feel your remorse. As Ted Lasso said, your gut and your heart are closely aligned … trust your gut while listening to your heart.”

Tom’s comments

Thankfully, Jack found a good therapist to help him through his difficult time of grieving. Therapists can be very helpful in a time of need. In a way, Jack’s situation sounds eerily like my third marriage. It ended differently but in a similar way.

It’s easy for me and Champs to find fault in Jack’s behavior. He should have done this, he should have done that, etc., So, I don’t want to rant on him or make him feel worse than he already does. But I must say this:

1 Moving in together was ok for Jack, but not under the premise of getting married. And putting her on the title was unwise.

For me, after wife number three (also 15 years younger) and I had been married for two years and she was not on the title, she lobbied for us to move to a new home about a half mile away, “To be closer to the beach,” is how she put it, but now I think it was also to be put on the title.

I bought a new home and foolishly put her on the title, thinking we were in the marriage together for the long haul. The mortgage interest rate was around 13 percent.

I didn’t pay for everything in our marriage, but probably 80%.

2 Why did Jack pay 100 percent for everything for 10 years? Ridiculous. Perhaps that was the price of being with a woman 15 years younger. Maybe she had planned that all along. He was foolish for allowing that arrangement.

3 Jack said his relationship wasn’t perfect. None are. Don’t go into any relationship thinking it will be perfect. He didn’t explain the “messy” details.

4 Jack says to express your love to her continuously; he seems to think she might not have bailed out on him if he had. Regardless of how he treated her, and how much love he expressed, she would have bailed anyway. He said he was loyal, but it didn’t seem to matter to her.

5 When adversity hit in the form of his illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.

A similar situation happened to me in my third marriage. In the early 1990s, when a recession hit Southern California, I told my wife we needed to tighten our financial belt. I didn’t realize it, but I believe she decided at that very moment to start planning her exit.

Less than two years later, at Christmas time, I went to Northern California to visit my 83-year-old mom. My wife and her two boys didn’t want to go with me, which was okay with me as I enjoyed alone time with Mom and my sisters and brother-in-law.

That was the opening my wife had waited for. On Christmas Eve, 1993, she and her two boys cleaned out the house, taking what furniture and belongings they wanted, and moved out of my life. There was no warning, no notice, just a sneaky clean-out.

Shortly thereafter, she filed for divorce. In my opinion, she felt she had squeezed every drop of dinero out of me and it was time for her to seek greener pastures.

Having her on title cost me a bundle of bucks in the divorce settlement. She used me, just as Jack’s woman used him. Both Jack and I allowed that to happen. Shame on us, but hindsight is always easier. Of course, this reminds me of Bob Seger’s song, “Shame on the Moon.” See the link below.

5 Because Jack’s companion bailed, he’s suffering enormous grief. Most of us who have lost mates, in one way or another—spouses, mates, animals, friends–understand the pain of Jack’s grief. Perhaps he was kidding himself all along that she loved and cared for him.

It’s still painful for him. Hopefully, that therapist will get him aimed in the right direction.

A pre-move-in agreement should have been prepared and signed.

Since he paid for everything, why did he also put her on the title? Good luck to Jack with getting her name off the document.

Let’s hope Jack has learned to think with his brain and not just with his heart. And me too.

Link to Bob Seger’s “Shame on the Moon.”

Shame on the Moon by Bob Seger