 Home in Dana Point, CA celebrates Valentine’s Day Photo by Tom Blake |
 On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 7, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake Valentine’s Day 2025 Valentine’s Day is intended to be a day of celebration and love. However, as we Champs age, it becomes more difficult for me to get excited about Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to be a downer this year or ruin some couples’ happiness. However, let me share my thoughts on Valentine’s Day 2025. I think about the people in California who have suffered by losing their homes or being evacuated from their homes in the January wildfires. For them Valentine’s Day will only be another day on their 2025 calendars. Perhaps they will endure Valentine’s Day together by sharing a meal and a Champagne toast in a friend’s home, temporary housing, or a pricey hotel. Valentine’s Day won’t have much meaning for them in 2025. I know how they feel firsthand. A fraternity brother who has been my friend for 60 years lives in Altadena, California. He and his wife were evacuated from their home by firemen on January 8 with a loud knock on their door at 5 a.m., telling them to evacuate “Now.” Miraculously, their concrete and steel home is still standing, while the entire neighborhood within a half-mile radius around them was destroyed. They and their grandkids had no place to stay. My Palm Springs vacation home was vacant. It became their home for nearly three weeks. They still cannot return to their home as the authorities won’t let them. It will be another month or two. And now, the families of the two tragic plane crashes back East won’t be celebrating Valentine’s Day. Enough said about that. In 2024, my Valentine’s Day column explained why I keep Valentine’s Day low-key. A woman had approached me in Costco to ask what the On Life and Love After 50 columnist had planned for Valentine’s Day. I thought she expected to hear me describe something fancy such as a romantic evening at one of the nearby 5-star hotels or fancy new restaurants in Dana Point. Instead, I said, “I haven’t made any Valentine’s Day plans. My significant other and I will experience our first Valentine’s Day together. Whatever we decide, it will be something simple.” The Costco acquaintance said, “Why simple? You’ve written about senior love for 31 years, surely, you have some Valentine’s advice for senior singles.” I said, “I’ve never been a fan of Valentine’s Day. Granted, it’s good for the economy. However, certain businesses mount such an overwhelming marketing blitz, that I feel it takes some of the romance out of Valentine’s Day. Not to mention the prices for meals and entertainment that prevail on that day.” The woman at Costco said she was going out with friends for lunch on Valentine’s to save money and not be alone. Her comment made me think of the Roy Orbison song “Only The Lonely” with these words: “Only the lonely know the way I feel tonight. There goes my baby. There goes my heart. They’re gone forever. So far apart.” The link to that song is listed below. I replied, “It’s great you have friends to share that day. But, like New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day can make people without a mate feel lonelier than they already are. That’s why I avoid making Valentine’s Day a big deal in my columns and eNewsletters. I don’t want lonely people to feel even worse.” And now, in 2025, I look back a year. I have friends and column readers whose spouses and/or partners passed away in 2024. I have friends who are fighting serious health issues. A widow wrote me this week: “Not exactly young (76) but I still work as a nurse part-time. Love the beach and would love some companionship. Live in Illinois.” Valentine’s Day this year will be tough on those people mentioned above. Taped to my desktop is this message I read somewhere online. It’s in my handwriting; I copied it shortly after my partner of 25 years-Greta- passed away: We can all fight against loneliness by engaging in random acts of kindness. The most thoughtful thing we as seniors can do on Valentine’s Day is reach out to lonely friends who may be spending the day or night alone. Invite them to join you for lunch or dinner. Share the love of the day with them. And look after them during the rest of the year. Loneliness isn’t just a Valentine’s Day reality for seniors, it’s year around. A Valentine’s rose or orchid for your sweetheart or a friend is always appreciated. Details about the song Only The Lonely The most famous recording by Orbison of Only The Lonely was at the Cocoanut Grove in Los Angeles on September 30, 1987, on the A Black and White Night album. Check it out below and see if you spot Jackson Browne, Bruce Springsteen, Elvis Costello, Bonnie Raitt, J D Souther and K.D. Lang, among others playing. Link to Only The Lonely |
Tag: loneliness
Losing love and dealing with the pain
On Life and Love After 50 e-Newsletter July 6, 2024
Overcoming the pain of losing a mate
By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake
| On October 29, 2022, my partner, Greta, of 25 years, passed away. Five months later, I mustered the courage to write the May 5, 2023 eNewsletter titled Five Women Share Their Views on Losing Love and Dealing With The Pain. The responses from readers to that column were numerous. Carolyn, emailed, “I just finished reading your most excellent eNewsletter. As is often stated, ‘Life Is For The Living!’ We can always think and remember the good times and the love we shared with our mate who has passed on, but it is necessary to find another companion. “I lost my close friend and companion on April 10, 2020 (Good Friday). He contracted Covid-19 before authorities knew what was killing people so rapidly. He was sick in December 2019, but it was thought to be pneumonia. After that, all his organs started to fail. “I am seeing a man who treats me well, buys me flowers and books I like, and treats me to fantastic Broadway shows. “He is a wonderful man who makes me laugh so much. Plus, a fantastic conversationalist! His wife also passed away. He said right off the bat that he didn’t want to remain lonely anymore. Nor I. “I am hoping Tom that you find someone who makes you happy and you can have wonderful conversations with. Life is short so we all had better get out there and enjoy it to the max! Pat, 76, “I have been a subscriber to your eNewsletter for many years and this is the first time I am responding. “I was widowed at age 53 in 2000 after 32 years of marriage. The following September my only daughter gave birth to identical twin girls. So, I had something to focus on after losing my husband (I was a caregiver for many years as he had MS). “The thought of dating didn’t enter my mind for years. When my granddaughters became teenagers, I found I needed more in my life and joined a dating site. I dated two men each for two years but knew there had to be someone I could connect to. So, I kept at it – it was like a job. “I recognized the scammers and finally met an honest man who lives 15 minutes from me. He was a widower. We started dating and two years later we are happy together. I would never have met him if it hadn’t been for the Senior People site. “Life is too short – especially at our ages. I never thought I would find someone at this age that I would care for so much and have such a terrific relationship with. “My advice to you is to stick with it and you will find the right person. The old saying “You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince” is true. Take care & lots of luck in the dating world!” Deanne emailed, “The worst part of widowhood for me is becoming one. For 33 years I was a party of two. We were the dynamic duo and the word lonely didn’t exist. I just can’t seem to get used to being without someone who was such a big part of me. “And not having someone to talk to, laugh with, and share life with is the worst pain I have experienced because it’s never-ending. This comes from a girl who experienced a Caesarean section with no anesthesia and lived to talk about it. My pain threshold is high, but surgery heals, and I just can’t seem to heal my heart.” Thyrza emailed, “Everything you wrote last week about loneliness after a loved one has gone is so true. Loneliness and longings for the departed beloved sucks. Given my experience in my marriage, it took me 10 years to get the courage to start looking. My oldest daughter would encourage me to give myself another chance. “I joined Match.com. I met a few frogs, but I persisted. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with an empty feeling. I enjoyed my three grands but having someone in my life to share my thoughts, feelings of joy and sadness, and the physical aspect of loving someone is a treasure. “I found a man. It just takes patience and an open mind to find that person. To me, there is no time frame in which to find a new relationship. Looking back, I wish I’d had a different mindset then. Ten years is a long time to realize that loneliness sucks. Sooner is better!” Dee, “I understand the need to find love again. I don’t want to just be friends although it could start that way. At my stage in life, I want warp speed. And from one member of our club (which we never imagined being members of) to another, it all sucks! “I work late so I don’t have to be home as the sun sets (just too many memories for me). This is not the life I planned, this is not what I could have ever imagined happening and I want a new beginning. “My friends are all married or in long-term relationships. They don’t get it and I would never want them to be in my shoes. But I would like to find that special person to walk alongside me, hold my hand, and make me feel good again. And a hug, wow that strong arm around me. Yes, I’m truly missing that. “No one can tell us what is good for us. Our lives, as we knew them, just died. But we are still here and should feel good again. Dating apps serve a purpose. We know the risks and pitfalls. I’m willing to take a chance again. I remain lonely but hopeful. And if I’m lucky enough I will kiss loneliness goodbye. “You and I know ‘the lonely.’ It doesn’t matter if it’s six months or years; time drags along, and we know that we have become unwilling experts. Claire emailed: “You, Tom, sound lost. It is understandable.” Me: Lost? Not lost, just no partner at this point. My Personal Journey of Recovery In April 2023, while sitting alone at home and lonelier than heck, I joined Match.com and another site called Zoosk. I hoped to curb my loneliness. I met a couple of women for coffee, a couple for a walk, and sprung for dinner twice. Two weeks after the eNewsletter was published, on Friday, May 19, I noticed a woman’s profile on Zoosk. Her name was Debbie from Mission Viejo (a half hour away). We exchanged messages on Zoosk and agreed to meet that evening. I was nine years older, which didn’t seem to bother her, at least that’s what she said. We had much in common. Sports, political affiliation, advanced degrees, love of the ocean and water. And chemistry. I liked her height, 5′ 1″. We started to date on May 19. That was more than a year ago. Like any new couple, we’ve had differences to work out. We are in a committed relationship and both feel blessed we met. Online dating worked for us. As I mentioned in a recent eNewsletter, Debbie had breast cancer surgery six weeks ago and is recovering nicely. The cancer had not spread. She completed five radiation treatments this week as a precaution to stop a return. After her fifth treatment this Tuesday, she got to ring the bell signifying that she had completed the radiation treatments, a tradition at The City of Hope Cancer Center. The sign says, “This course is run, my treatment done. Now I am on my way.” I imagine several of our Champs have been able to ring a similar bell. Good job cancer survivors. Good job Debbie. The picture of Debbie contemplating the bell is below, taken this Tuesday. Seconds later, she was ringing it with a big smile. |
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