life – On Life and Love after 50

2 Senior Women With Different Retirement Outlooks

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

NL May 23, 2025

Two women with decidedly different outlooks on senior life

Helen

Helen emailed, “Single woman fear of dating. I need some assistance; okay, I need help. I am 71, and the monster under my bed is dating. I live in fear of dating. My last real date was in 1981. I’ve been a widow for 10 years. I tried a couple of coffee/lunch dates and had no success. I was knocked off the horse, and I just can’t seem to get back in the saddle. I’m not that young, cute girl. I lost my confidence, and I am afraid to try again. Yes, I’m chicken.

“I want a second chance, but I have convinced myself it will be a disaster. I am not the perfect older woman these men seem to be searching for. At the grocery store, I would be on the dented can aisle.

“I am all too knowledgeable about my issues. I lean on those instead of my good qualities. I think the pain of widowhood has taken away my confidence and left me feeling like failure is my only route.

“I have lots of good qualities. I’m clever, creative, intelligent, funny, and likable. I’m kind, caring, and loving. I put others first, I’m a good listener, and I know I’m still a keeper. But in the back of my head, I think of my flaws and my age. I consider myself a used car and not a classic. And I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

“I injured my ankle, so I can’t compete in pickleball. And I’m not a hardbody, but my sons say I’m still cute. I know I don’t look my age or act it either because I’m young at heart, and I’m reminded about this by strangers. I just need a kick in the butt. I need to polish up my courage and spirit.

“So, Tom, I need to pick your brain, hit up your knowledge and hope you have ideas for me.”

Tom’s comment: With all the good qualities you describe, I don’t understand your fear. You’re young, and it doesn’t matter that you can’t play pickleball. With my bony knees, I can’t either. I strongly suggest you contact a therapist to overcome your fears.

Maria

Some Champs have told me they are bored in retirement. They don’t know what to do. One Champ named Maria messaged me this week with how she is enjoying retirement and getting exercise at the same time.

I’ve known her for many years. She was my dental hygienist. Now, she has started a new business. The brochure below explains her new adventure.

Maria lives in Ironwood, near Ranco Cucamonga and Ontario, in Riverside County, California, just north of the 10 freeway. She is open to servicing customers within 25 miles of her home.

She is a reliable and wonderful woman. Trust her to take care of your dogs.

A Senior Man’s first-date jitters

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
May 9, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

A senior man’s first-date jitters

Bill, a widower in his mid-70s, emailed me for guidance regarding an upcoming first date with a woman he met on Match.com.

I thought it might be interesting, particularly to our women Champs, to know what a man thinks about before and after a first date with a woman.

Bill wrote, “I met an attractive woman on Match.com. She’s 10 years younger. She and I agreed to meet for coffee at a location about halfway between where we live, a two-mile drive for each of us. From her profile picture, she is pretty. I’m a little nervous. Her name is Jackie.

“We talked over the phone and knew at least we had a good conversation before we got together. That is a must for first-date people!”

“Can you give me any advice?”

I replied, “Is this your first date since your wife passed away?”

Bill answered, “No, I’ve had a few dates, but I’m not exactly Joe Stud, you know. But I’d like to impress her.”

I said, “Relax, I can tell you are nervous. But that’s ok, after all, this could become your future mate. Just slow down and calm down.”

“It goes without saying to wear a clean shirt. Smile when you greet her and shake her hand. No hug or kiss when you first approach each other. Men tend to talk too much when they are nervous. Be sure you ask questions about her. Encourage her to talk. Make direct eye contact with her. Smile. Use first-date etiquette; actually, any date etiquette.”

Bill said, “Thanks, that will help me break the ice. I will talk for no more than 40 percent of the time and ask her questions. Her profile says she still works full time. I will let you know how it goes.”

A few days later, after his first date, Bill sent me an update. “It went okay with Jackie. She is pretty. Will we see each other again? Probably. It could happen, but I’m unsure. Frankly, it wasn’t a great connection. She didn’t ask me many questions. I’m 6’ 1; she’s 5’6”—so that works for me. Not too tall and not too short.

“You kind of know if a woman is very interested, somewhat interested or not interested in you. She is somewhat only. But who knows for sure?

“She is divorced and didn’t talk about her ex at all. When I mentioned my wife, this woman sort of felt bad but had no questions about me. When I talked about my interests, the conversation didn’t go very far, but we stayed with her interests and travels.

“It possibly could go somewhere, but I didn’t think she appreciated the breakfast sandwich and beverage because I would have liked a nice thank you for my effort (liked she kind of expected me to pay and I guess that’s ok.)

“She steered away from future plans. I didn’t ask if she wanted to get together again or make any future plans.

“We didn’t get into politics and talked about schools, kids and travel. I probably could have gotten a little more personal and asked what she thought of me. But I don’t want any rejection. We talked for over an hour, so it was going ok, but probably not a strong connection.

“So where does this go? I’m not sure and I’m not clear about my feelings. I could reach out again, but I may leave the ball in her court for her to reach out to me if she is interested enough. So maybe I will ghost her or send her a text in a week to see how she is doing.

“I mentioned a few ideas about walking together on a hike near the beach or something and got no response on any idea she might have to do something. So, no, the date success wasn’t 100%, but more like 35%.

“At the end, I gave her a small hug, but she wasn’t responsive. So, it left me thinking, ‘Do I want to pursue her anymore?’ Maybe there would be too much work involved. She still works and seems busy. Perhaps some of my thoughts may help her. I want some kind of gratification or some kind of future interest to make me think that she and I want a relationship.

“Oh yes, I said at the very end, ‘Do you prefer a text or a call? She said ‘either.’ So, she could be still in it, but not who knows? Maybe it’s me because of my feelings. I don’t need to start chasing or try to create a fun experience. I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere.”

Tom’s Comment: So that’s how a nice gentleman feels. If there’s any message in Bill’s story for women, it’s that if you like a guy like Bill on a first date, be a little more assertive, showing affection like a kiss on the cheek and saying, “Let’s get together again.” And ask him more questions. However, what Jackie did may indicate that she doesn’t want to proceed seeing him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Senior dating sure has its challenges.

Too Much Senior Sex Too Soon

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz.

Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week.

“I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63.

“We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually.

“But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him.

“When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down.

“On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me.

“I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him.

“Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester.

“I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn.

“He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.”

Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions.

“We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed.

“My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out.

“It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons.  “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it.

“I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed.

Tom’s comment

This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog.

Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife.

Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben.

Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months.

Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned.

Reminder

If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com

Thanks, everybody, and enjoy your weekend.

False Hope

Seniors Living Together

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter November 29 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist

The June 7^th eNewsletter was titled, “Senior Man Scammed.” One short paragraph in that article quoted a text I had received from a woman, age 61. We had dated two times for an hour each time. The age gap was 25 years.

She wrote, “If I move in with you, I wouldn’t want to be tossed to the street if you pass away before me, so I would need you to change your estate plan to leave me your home.”

That quote inspired Champ Virginia, Newport Beach CA, to write me. She emailed, “That younger woman was certainly ‘jumping the gun’ and she sounded like a gold digger. Women are just trying to survive, and that woman was no exception…her action however does bring up the question of living together at a senior age.

“No woman or man would want to be left homeless at this stage of the game. Moving is traumatic and highly stressful and even more so as our ages increase and health issues surface.”

And then Virginia wrote about different options that could be put in place to protect the surviving person if their mate, the homeowner, passes away first. An estate planner needs to be consulted before the move-in occurs and a pre-move-in agreement signed by both parties.

She continued, “The other option is to just continue dating each other and living apart (a bit of a hassle and not so comfortable or satisfying as living together).

“The senior age with inevitable health issues, as well as declining physical strength, and all that accompanies it make this scenario a conundrum.

“If people live together, and one develops dementia, cancer or another crippling disease, would they be obligated to stay together if they live together but aren’t married? That’s a sticky problem.

“It’s not like we are teenagers or mid-lifers, we don’t have the luxury timewise of just dating endlessly if we are seeking someone to be a life companion. Maybe a column about seniors living together would generate opinions that would be helpful to Champs.”

Virginia raises a good point. A column based on the inputs from Champs would be beneficial to lots of people. A possible topic: The pros and cons of senior couples living together.

Another Champ, Leslie, emailed, “Many people of our ages are with SO’s (significant others) but are not marrying. It bothers me that my SO doesn’t want to marry again. He’s a widower after 53 years of marriage.

“I’ve never married through my own fears, though I’ve have had several relationships and proposals. The ‘one’, in my 30’s, I ran from and wouldn’t marry anyone else.

“My widower SO says he will never marry again. I could marry him, we’re both 83. I talk to my doctor, and he cautions me to stay in the relationship because he’s known too many women who broke up with a man because things weren’t perfect, and then they couldn’t find another. Hence, I stay and accept that I’ll never marry. Your eNewsletters give me hope.

“I was hoping, now, to experience marriage once. Our friends are married and there’s just a difference — a comfort they have in their commitment — that I don’t have. We basically live together, and it’s been almost eight years together, both are 83. I know many people remarry/marry, so to read about many couples not remarrying helps me.”

***

So, Champs, send me your opinions and experiences dealing with the “Pros and cons of seniors living together” issue. I’ll do a follow up column if I receive enough responses.

My Gratitude

Yesterday, of course, was Thanksgiving Day. I’m grateful for many things. But one of the biggest things is you, my Champs. Your responses to columns provide me with the material to generate future columns. I’ve formed friendships with many of you, although we may not have met in person. You’ve revealed your vulnerabilities. I hurt when you hurt.

You’ve shared advice that has been helpful to me personally. The eNewsletter has been published for 25 years. Let’s keep it moving forward. I’m grateful to all of you.

Responses to 85 birthday party On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

November 22, 2024

(Photo by Michelle Rivera, aka Lady Hummingbird)

Part One – Champs Reply to Tom Blake 85^th birthday party surprise

There were several responses to last week’s eNewsletter about my 85^th birthday party. Here are just a few of them:

Florence, “Where has the time gone? I signed up for your eNewsletter 20+ years ago after the death of my husband a few years earlier. May the next 365 days be special for you.”

Marcia, “Your newsletter was filled with memories that allow your Champs to get a sense of your incredible life.

“You have taken your life experiences and turned them into something positive that will further enhance your life, and the lives of all the people you come in contact with. That is a gift.”

Tom’s comment: Those are extra special words coming from a friend I’ve known 59 years, going back to both of us growing up in Jackson, Michigan.

Ted, “Who says 85 is old? It wasn’t me, Tom. Welcome to the 86^th year that we share (although I had a head start). You are a special guy to a lot of folks out there…and to at least one guy in Grosse Pointe Park, MI. I wish I’d been a fly on that wall on the 11^th.”

Tom’s comment: Ted is a classmate from Jackson, Michigan, 60 years ago

Gloria, “A beautiful story about your celebration and special friends who came to honor you. It brought tears to my eyes reading about your celebration and memories of old friends. Many happy returns to a young 85.”

Neighbor Colleen Torres (who attended with Kresta Racker), “Love this article! It was a special day, indeed!”

Joel, a recent widower, “One of your best. I feel OK and am keeping busy with friends and constructive activities. You’re a good model for a life well lived”.

Sandy, a Champ I’ve known for 50 years, who is pondering relocating from California to the Midwest, said, “All opinions from you are received with an open mind! I’m not jumping ship soon!

“I liked the cameo on 60 Minutes about Wisconsin’s Door County “The Cape Cod of the Midwest” so much because of the obvious congeniality between folks of both political persuasions. One man said ‘We have the Midwestern nice thing going!’ Lots of artists and Chicago retirees. And, although it is a beautiful vacation destination, seemingly, also very low ( by comparison to California ) rents.”

Bruce, Ohio, “Happy belated birthday and it is great you have so many friends at this point in your life.”

Ginny, PA, “I especially loved this week’s newsletter. So many emotions were expressed.

“Thank you for giving us a brief history lesson about Veterans Day and your service to our country.

“I am proud of my Harry’s 39 years in the Air Force. On Veterans Day he leads several ceremonies: one at our Senior Center and another as a retired military member of his high school Vets committee.

“Pleased to hear you and Debbie could celebrate your special day with friends. Happy 85th. I am right behind you.”

Part 2 – A Champ’s poignant and timely comment

With all the threats and chatter going on in this world about WW III, Wil’s comment stopped me in my tracks:

Wil, Hawaii (a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain co-worker of mine in Oakland, CA, and Denver in the early 70s), wrote succinctly, “My wife Pua and I are on vacation at ground zero in Nagasaki, depressing place. All world leaders should come here.”

A Senior Night at the ER

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 25, 2024
A Night at The ER
By Columnist Tom Blake (with assistance)

Note from Tom. I had help from Debbie, my partner of 18 months, writing this eNewsletter. Soon, you will understand why.

Last Friday night Debbie and I were heading out for dinner at 5:30 p.m. My car was parked at the curb outside my home. I walked four feet in front of her to open the passenger-side door. Much to my horror, she tripped on a patch of uneven Korean grass and fell face-first hard on the concrete sidewalk.

Her water bottle and purse went flying. The right side of her body, particularly her right breast and face, took the hit. She didn’t scream but she let out a loud sound of agony. The dogs belonging to our neighbors across the street could not see us, but upon hearing Debbie’s moans, started emitting a mournful noise. They could sense that something was terribly wrong.

With all the medical issues that Debbie has endured in the last five months–painful breast cancer removal and reconstructive surgery, radiation, loss of estrogen, hot flashes, endless doctor visits, and physical therapy–to see her writhing in pain curled up on the sidewalk, I felt so bad I nearly went into shock.

When you love someone, and see them so compromised, it takes a toll on your entire psyche. It took over three minutes to get her gingerly onto her feet.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” she proclaimed. With a reddish-blue bump forming over her right eye, I didn’t think she was okay. There was no blood, however, which was a positive sign. Debbie asked me to get her an ice bag to put above her eye. Fortunately, she didn’t break her hip.

Debbie is a tough cookie. While holding the ice bag above her eye, she said, “Let’s head for dinner.” I said, “I don’t think so. Are you sure?” She insisted. We got carefully into the car and I started to drive. My mind was racing. Should we even go to a restaurant? Or should we change to a drive-through eatery? Debbie solved my dilemma by saying, “Do you think the Urgent Care around the corner is still open?”

Debbie always puts a positive spin on life. She kids a lot. Next, she added, “I hear they have great dinner specials at Urgent Care. And it’s early, so it’s probably not too busy yet.” (She was kidding of course).

She asked if I had called ahead for a reservation (still kidding). At this point, the small “egg” had grown over her eye. I headed for Urgent Care, two blocks away. Fortunately, they were still open, but unfortunately, in the case of a head injury, or possible traumatic brain injury, they send you to a hospital ER, where there is more sophisticated equipment. We looked at each other and agreed. “We are going to the ER at Mission Hospital.”

(Debbie’s reason for us going to the ER was that about two years ago, she fell off an 8’ ladder onto the concrete floor in her garage, and because she didn’t hit her head, only her back, and she had little pain, she thought, ‘good no concussion’, and decided not to go to the ER that time. However, she recently discovered that in that fall she had a fracture in her L4 area, and she didn’t want to risk any future back medical issues).

The ER

We arrived at Mission Hospital ER at about 6 p.m. There were seven ambulances parked nearby with their rear emergency doors open. When we entered the waiting room area, the room was 3/4 full of people of all ages, both patients and people who had accompanied the patients. Several health technicians and security personnel were scurrying around trying to be as helpful and efficient as possible.

Upon checking Debbie in, the staff made Debbie a top priority due to the potential brain injury caused by her fall. I heard an announcement that went throughout the ER saying ‘Code X, brain trauma patient checking in.’ We were told we’d be at the ER for at least two hours. During our time in the waiting room, Debbie was summoned several times as staff members came and escorted her to labs, an EKG, X-rays, and CAT scans. The ER was a busy place on that Friday night. Six people were checking new patients in.

Debbie is a Psychotherapist. She analyzes and assists people for a living. Together, we watched the new people arriving. To help pass the time while waiting and take the edge off her situation, we exchanged thoughts on what the other patients were dealing with.

This, of course, involved much eavesdropping, observing, and filling in the blank’s guesswork. We first focused on a young woman and her male companion who arrived shortly after us. There were no obvious medical issues that we could see about her, but she was crying. We didn’t know what was going on with her until four hours later, she was united with a baby boy, perhaps her son or nephew.

Most new arrivals were escorted by one or two family members or friends. A few people were alone. One was a man, 50ish, 6’2’, seated by himself. He was wearing high-top tennis shoes with untied shoelaces. Debbie told me that not tying one’s shoelaces is one of the latest fads among hip people these days. (I’m so out of touch in my older years).

Another young man wearing a football uniform had a makeshift cast on his arm. He had likely been injured in a Friday Night Lights football game. He was whisked through the waiting room to somewhere deeper in the hospital. We saw at least 25 new patients check in.

At 10:15 p.m., Debbie was relocated to the main emergency room area where a doctor would review all her results from the tests she had endured. I was allowed to be with her. That is also the area where patients on gurneys are wheeled in. Twice, people were wheeled into the hallway strapped on gurneys being escorted by armed Orange County Sheriff officers with guns at their sides. Heaven only knows what had transpired with those two dudes.

All of Debbie’s tests came back ok. Most importantly, the CAT scan showed no brain bleeding. The doctor said it would feel like a truck hit her, especially her sore breast that she had landed on, and that she should take it easy for a week but would feel discomfort for as long as a month. Debbie was released from the hospital at 11:30 p.m. We made it home by midnight. Our dinner date lasted six hours, but we didn’t eat a meal. I had a protein bar from the hospital cafeteria.

How is she feeling now, seven days later? She said, “I have a concussion. My head is still in a fog, and my right breast still hurts and it’s painful when I take a deep breath.”

Lessons Learned From Debbie

Debbie said, “Seniors must always be mindful of their surroundings, such as curbs, stairs, and uneven surfaces.

“Plus, seniors must ensure they seek medical help when they’ve had a mishap, even when they feel they are ok.”

Losing love and dealing with the pain

On Life and Love After 50 e-Newsletter July 6, 2024

Overcoming the pain of losing a mate

By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

On October 29, 2022, my partner, Greta, of 25 years, passed away. Five months later, I mustered the courage to write the May 5, 2023 eNewsletter titled Five Women Share Their Views on Losing Love and Dealing With The Pain. The responses from readers to that column were numerous.

Carolyn, emailed, “I just finished reading your most excellent eNewsletter. As is often stated, ‘Life Is For The Living!’ We can always think and remember the good times and the love we shared with our mate who has passed on, but it is necessary to find another companion.

“I lost my close friend and companion on April 10, 2020 (Good Friday). He contracted Covid-19 before authorities knew what was killing people so rapidly. He was sick in December 2019, but it was thought to be pneumonia. After that, all his organs started to fail.

“I am seeing a man who treats me well, buys me flowers and books I like, and treats me to fantastic Broadway shows.

“He is a wonderful man who makes me laugh so much. Plus, a fantastic conversationalist! His wife also passed away. He said right off the bat that he didn’t want to remain lonely anymore. Nor I.

“I am hoping Tom that you find someone who makes you happy and you can have wonderful conversations with. Life is short so we all had better get out there and enjoy it to the max!

Pat, 76, “I have been a subscriber to your eNewsletter for many years and this is the first time I am responding.

“I was widowed at age 53 in 2000 after 32 years of marriage. The following September my only daughter gave birth to identical twin girls. So, I had something to focus on after losing my husband (I was a caregiver for many years as he had MS).

“The thought of dating didn’t enter my mind for years. When my granddaughters became teenagers, I found I needed more in my life and joined a dating site. I dated two men each for two years but knew there had to be someone I could connect to. So, I kept at it – it was like a job.

“I recognized the scammers and finally met an honest man who lives 15 minutes from me. He was a widower. We started dating and two years later we are happy together. I would never have met him if it hadn’t been for the Senior People site.

“Life is too short – especially at our ages. I never thought I would find someone at this age that I would care for so much and have such a terrific relationship with.

“My advice to you is to stick with it and you will find the right person. The old saying “You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince” is true. Take care & lots of luck in the dating world!”

Deanne emailed, “The worst part of widowhood for me is becoming one. For 33 years I was a party of two. We were the dynamic duo and the word lonely didn’t exist. I just can’t seem to get used to being without someone who was such a big part of me.

“And not having someone to talk to, laugh with, and share life with is the worst pain I have experienced because it’s never-ending. This comes from a girl who experienced a Caesarean section with no anesthesia and lived to talk about it. My pain threshold is high, but surgery heals, and I just can’t seem to heal my heart.”

Thyrza emailed, “Everything you wrote last week about loneliness after a loved one has gone is so true. Loneliness and longings for the departed beloved sucks. Given my experience in my marriage, it took me 10 years to get the courage to start looking. My oldest daughter would encourage me to give myself another chance.

“I joined Match.com. I met a few frogs, but I persisted. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with an empty feeling. I enjoyed my three grands but having someone in my life to share my thoughts, feelings of joy and sadness, and the physical aspect of loving someone is a treasure.

“I found a man. It just takes patience and an open mind to find that person. To me, there is no time frame in which to find a new relationship. Looking back, I wish I’d had a different mindset then. Ten years is a long time to realize that loneliness sucks. Sooner is better!”

Dee, “I understand the need to find love again. I don’t want to just be friends although it could start that way. At my stage in life, I want warp speed. And from one member of our club (which we never imagined being members of) to another, it all sucks!

“I work late so I don’t have to be home as the sun sets (just too many memories for me). This is not the life I planned, this is not what I could have ever imagined happening and I want a new beginning.

“My friends are all married or in long-term relationships. They don’t get it and I would never want them to be in my shoes. But I would like to find that special person to walk alongside me, hold my hand, and make me feel good again. And a hug, wow that strong arm around me. Yes, I’m truly missing that.

“No one can tell us what is good for us. Our lives, as we knew them, just died. But we are still here and should feel good again. Dating apps serve a purpose. We know the risks and pitfalls. I’m willing to take a chance again. I remain lonely but hopeful. And if I’m lucky enough I will kiss loneliness goodbye.
“You and I know ‘the lonely.’ It doesn’t matter if it’s six months or years; time drags along, and we know that we have become unwilling experts.

Claire emailed: “You, Tom, sound lost. It is understandable.”

Me: Lost? Not lost, just no partner at this point.

My Personal Journey of Recovery

In April 2023, while sitting alone at home and lonelier than heck, I joined Match.com and another site called Zoosk. I hoped to curb my loneliness. I met a couple of women for coffee, a couple for a walk, and sprung for dinner twice.

Two weeks after the eNewsletter was published, on Friday, May 19, I noticed a woman’s profile on Zoosk. Her name was Debbie from Mission Viejo (a half hour away). We exchanged messages on Zoosk and agreed to meet that evening. I was nine years older, which didn’t seem to bother her, at least that’s what she said.

We had much in common. Sports, political affiliation, advanced degrees, love of the ocean and water. And chemistry. I liked her height, 5′ 1″. We started to date on May 19. That was more than a year ago. Like any new couple, we’ve had differences to work out. We are in a committed relationship and both feel blessed we met. Online dating worked for us.

As I mentioned in a recent eNewsletter, Debbie had breast cancer surgery six weeks ago and is recovering nicely. The cancer had not spread. She completed five radiation treatments this week as a precaution to stop a return.
After her fifth treatment this Tuesday, she got to ring the bell signifying that she had completed the radiation treatments, a tradition at The City of Hope Cancer Center.

The sign says, “This course is run, my treatment done. Now I am on my way.”
I imagine several of our Champs have been able to ring a similar bell. Good job cancer survivors. Good job Debbie. The picture of Debbie contemplating the bell is below, taken this Tuesday. Seconds later, she was ringing it with a big smile.

At 77, a Remarkable Woman Champ

On Life and Love Afer 50 eNewsletter

April 19, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist

Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

A bonus for me in writing these eNewsletters is I’ve become friends with many Champs. Most of them I’ve never met in person. We have what I call an LDF, (long-distance friendship). When I owned my deli in Dana Point, some would stop by and introduce themselves, but I sold the deli eight years ago so that way of meeting each other no longer exists.

One of them is FFF (her initials) who lives in Florida. In an email a couple of years ago, she mentioned that she is a Scorpio. That piqued my interest as I’m also a Scorpio, so I asked her what day her birthday is. She said, “November 11.” That’s my birthday also.

To me, November 11 is more than just my birthday. It was also my Mom’s birthday and it was called Armistice Day. On June 1, 1954, the federal government changed the name of November 11 to Veterans Day.

FFF is a remarkable Champ. At 77, she’s got more energy than the Energizer Bunny and has more men pursuing her than a woman in her 20s.

A year ago, she emailed: “I still am very young, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want the entire package (in a man). I don’t mind ‘part-time.’ My social calendar with friends is over the top…concerts, plays, restaurants…and I exercise every day. I’m still writing my book. Hopefully, by year-end, I will get it published.”

In response to last week’s “Catfishing” eNewsletter, FFF emailed, “I’ve never been ‘catfished’ although not for their lack of trying. Growing up in NYC and being ‘street smart’ might have saved me. There were a few men who tried to get me to send money…one guy said he was hurt and in Thailand. I said, ‘I have a good friend in Thailand (true) and he will meet you and help you.’ Ha ha…you know that never happened.

“I even called out a scammer one day and he argued with me for two days and finally apologized.

“I think (I hope, fingers crossed) that I met a ‘Nice Jewish Doctor.’ I will call him Barry. He is a retired clinical psychologist, turned to music (saxophone and guitar) opened a recording studio, and has won Emmys. He is originally from Long Island NY, lived in Sarasota (downtown) and now lives in a small town by the Gulf about 20 minutes from me.

“Barry is Jewish, as am I. He is six feet tall, 73-years-old. He is smart. He likes me…we’ve been talking, have exchanged brief texts, mostly phone conversations, and are having dinner next Wednesday.

“He wanted to meet me sooner but I’m so busy with work, working out (yup, yoga, Pilates, barre, Tai Chi, personal training, pickleball training, decorating my house, joining clubs where I live, nice neighbors, etc. and going to Illinois this weekend to celebrate my granddaughter’s 17th birthday…we are going to ‘high tea’ at the famous Drake Hotel in Chicago.

“Back to Barry, I decided to stop looking for younger men with good looks…both were important characteristics to me. I’m now thinking about values, kindness, how men treat me, and, how much they want to be with me.

“I have two other guys interested but I’m not. There seems to be a ‘bottomless’ pit concerning meeting men…never have a problem as us ‘Scorpios’ know. But meeting the right one is not easy.

“At this moment in time, I’m a very happy camper. My health is great…where I moved to in Florida is wonderful and life is really being kind to me or I’m being kind to me.

“I will be getting back to writing my book this summer. I’ve been busy selling real estate and getting my staging/decorating company up and running. I will, however, finish the book and maybe, with your help, publish it or get advice from you.

“I hope the doctor and I like each other in person. I have a good gut feeling and you know how we Scorpios are with our ‘intuition.’

“Remember the words she was just 17 from the Beatles song, “I Saw Her Standing There?” That’s how I feel at 77. Barry is 73.

I just turned down a 59-year-old guy and a 56-year-old guy.

Tom’s comment about FFF

As I wrote earlier, FFF is an amazing woman. She stays active via exercise and going out with friends. She dates younger men although her focus now is more on quality than age. Barry is 73. Will he be too old for her although he’s four years younger?

My only advice to her is regarding the book she’s writing. Do a little bit at a time, even now. Maybe 15-20 minutes a day or at night. The editing comes much later. Just getting thoughts down on paper is a big step forward. I will help in any way I can.

Do Multiple Marriages Matter?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 5, 2024
Do Multiple Marriages Matter?
By Columnist Tom Blake

2024 Column One

In senior dating, does the number of marriages matter?

In November 2009, I wrote a column titled, “Should multiple senior dating marriages matter when seeking a mate?”

I wrote on that topic because a woman named Marjorie had emailed, “I met ‘William’ two weeks ago at a musical theatre performance. I’m 63, he is 66.

“We’ve both been married before, but neither has been widowed. Should the number of marriages matter to either of us? How many marriages before it becomes a red flag?”

She added that she had been married three times, but William had dodged the question although he told her his most recent marriage had been short-lived and bitter. Marjorie and William had been on only two dates. I replied to Marjorie: “Egad, woman, give it some time! If you press the ‘How many times married’ issue, you may chase him away before you find out how many times he’s been married. Since he’s reeling from a recent bitter marriage experience, the last thing he may want to do is defend himself or talk about it.

“Instead, why not enjoy the moment and forget about his marriage tally? It is not uncommon these days (reminder, this was in 2009) for people our age to have had more than one marriage. Does that make us tainted? Does that mean we’re bad people? No.

“I’ve had three marriages, and my partner Greta of 11 years (remember this was written in 2009) had three also. Having the same number of marriages was one of the things we had in common when sharing information on the first date, so it was a good thing we both had multiple marriages.

“And now that we are SLT (seniors living together) we’ve got the best relationship I could ever hope for. Neither of us wants marriage. Neither of us would want the number four emblazoned in scarlet upon our chests, but that’s not the reason we haven’t married.”

2024 Update on How Many Marriages

And so, here we are, 14 years later, with the first eNewsletter of 2024 looking again at the How Many Marriages issue in senior dating. Does the number of marriages a potential partner had matter? Not really, but at Marjorie’s age now, 77, assuming she’s still on this earth, I wonder if this question still puzzles her? I’ve lost track of her so I can’t ask her. Plus, I wonder if she and William had or have a relationship now.

Here are my thoughts on “Does the number of marriages matter in 2024?” Right off the top, I say hell no. However, if the number exceeds four, or the number is zero, I think the couple needs to discuss the whys and why not of the marriage number. Just to understand what happened.

Last year, a few months after Greta passed away, I decided my life would be more fulfilling if I had a woman partner in it. So, I started dating. The number of marriages a potential mate had didn’t matter. So, I thought.

The first woman of interest had been married five times. But that didn’t matter to me. I had known her for years and she had many fine qualities. But she very quickly moved on. It wasn’t the number of marriages either one had, it was most likely the age difference. I was merely 23-years-older.

Another woman of interest was a widow. Her husband was 25 years older. I didn’t know if he had been her only husband until one night when we were enjoying an adult beverage, I asked her if it mattered that I had been married three times. She said no.

I said, “How about you? She said, “Seven.” I responded, “You’ve been married seven times?” She became irked with my question and that was our final date. She had had enough of me, and I was scared to continue dating her. There were other reasons why we didn’t go out again as well.

And then my friend Jim Fallon and I met an attractive woman in the parking lot of a restaurant where we’d just had breakfast. We had seen her sitting by herself and had waved at her and she waved back. When she walked past us outside, we said hello and told her we were both single men who had lost our partners in 2022. She said she was widowed after 11 years of marriage. She said she was in her early 60s.

She and I had one date, but she didn’t want to get involved. When Jim and I saw her at breakfast at the same restaurant three months later, we asked her to join us to chat for a few minutes. The topic of the number of previous marriages came up.

I asked her if she had been married more than once. She nodded yes. I held up two fingers. She said no. Three fingers. She said no. Four fingers, no. Five fingers, no. Six fingers, yes (finally). Jim and I were dumbfounded. Her answer surprised us. She had been married six times.

She was such a soft-spoken, seemingly confident, and shy person. We didn’t ask for details, and she wasn’t about to offer them.

Does the number of times a person has been married at our senior age in 2024 matter? Not as much as in 2009.

However, I will say this. Most singles 75-plus don’t want to remarry but most of them would relish a nice relationship, regardless of the number of times a potential new partner was married. Just don’t tell me married eight times. My heart probably couldn’t handle that number.