| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake |
| I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz. Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week. “I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63. “We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually. “But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him. “When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down. “On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me. “I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him. “Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester. “I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn. “He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.” Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions. “We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed. “My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out. “It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons. “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it. “I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed. Tom’s comment This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog. Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife. Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben. Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months. Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned. Reminder If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com Thanks, everybody, and enjoy your weekend. |
On Life and Love after 50 