Columnist Tom Blake – Page 6 – On Life and Love after 50

Senior dating concern: Availability

Tom with Johnny Cash circa 1990

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 20, 2023
Senior Dating Availability
Are any seniors available to date? By Columnist Tom Blake

Part 1
Senior dating availability. Full time? Part-time? or No time?

Last week’s eNewsletter, “Don’t make yourself available if you’re not available,” produced interesting responses, a few of which I am sharing with you today.

Sarah emailed, “Another issue regarding availability would be a health issue. I’m thinking in terms of something like auto-immune, MS, or the like, where there are good days and bad…or for that matter, good hours followed quickly by bad hours.

“Often in a situation like this, a person might have to cancel plans at the last minute or wait until the last minute to make or confirm plans. This is something that would be necessary to speak of early on as it would take a lot of patience and understanding, but as you say, Tom, it might be very worthwhile.”

Jonie, “Most of the senior women I know are available for a part-time relationship but don’t want to take on a man full-time. The women have hobbies and friends and want quality alone time. They don’t want to give those things up, so a part-time relationship is perfect for them. Most are widows or divorcees who have learned that living single has a lot of perks.

“Hence, they want to balance that and not give it up. Plus, most of the women I know will not mingle finances. So, the question ‘Are you available to date?’ is brilliant. It allows the responder to be very honest about their status. They can say ‘Yes, on a part-time basis’ or ‘No, not right now,’ It’s a great question on a first date.

Tom’s comment: Men don’t want to mingle finances either.

Francine, Florida (Francine and I have never met in person but through email exchanges, we found we have a couple of things in common. We were both born on November 11 (different years) and she met her husband-to-be on June 23, 1998, while I met Greta on June 24, 1998, just one day apart). My Mom Fran was also born on November 11.

Francine emailed, “I love reading your senior love eNewsletters. I’ve been widowed for almost 11 years the first time, and then again when a boyfriend passed away five years ago. I date a lot now.

“Len, a friend of 12 years, has been trying to see if we can take our friendship to the next higher level. He lives in Henderson, Nevada, where I first met him. We are both from NYC. We are the same: politically, religion, values, intelligence, movies, books, and music. However, I’m very outgoing, while he is quiet.”

“He is coming out in February to see if we click together. He said after all these years that I’m still ‘under his skin.’ If it works this time, I have no problem traveling back and forth from Florida to Nevada as I loved living in Henderson (for 14 years). I still know my way around and have friends there.

“Len and I have always been on the same page in different books. I was married; he was single. I was widowed; he had a girlfriend…and so on for 12 years. He seems to get involved with the wrong women and now he wants to try the right one. I’m hopeful we have a chance this time. I’m tired of dating so many men with whom I might have chemistry but nothing else. Or things in common but no chemistry.

“I’m 76 and still very young physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want the entire package. I don’t mind part-time. Len is 72. It’s time for us! I will commute for a while if I must as I can do my work anywhere…he works part-time in Las Vegas. “I’m still writing my book …hopefully by year’s end, I can get it published. “Len canceled on me four years ago when he was involved with a ‘married woman.’ They are just friends now.”

Tom’s comment: It sounds like Francine and Len are mentally available for each other. I’m glad they are giving it a try. Of course, the long-distance availability aspect will be a bit challenging, but Francine feels she can tackle that.

Gloria, “I’m divorced 30+ yrs. I have no grief issues romantically (however, I’ve lost many loved ones to cancer) I’m healthy and fun. People wonder why I haven’t found a guy friend all these years. I would love a causal relationship for fun. Never clicked with anyone. Some men I have dated were nasty.

“I can relate to last week’s eNewsletter advice. I am not up for an all-consuming ‘relationship. I enjoy my single life – I’m a writer and a singer and a political activist. The reason I relate is that last year I met a seemingly nice guy online. He treated me to lunch. In our discussion, I felt he’d need more time than I was willing or able to give him. I told him that even though I’m not working, I have a busy life, but it would be nice to get together on weekends.

“He started to cry. He had told his mother about me. I felt awful, as I realized lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily. Not my thing. I hope he found a nice woman offering what he needed.”

Tom’s comment to Gloria: “Oh my gosh. He started to cry and told his mother about you? I haven’t pulled that maneuver yet. It reminds me of the 1950s song ‘Cry’ by Johnnie Ray, who was popular for a few years in the 1950s. I do take issue with your comment,

“I realize lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily.” That’s a generalization. It could apply to some women also. And it doesn’t have to be daily. I think I’m a 2.5 to three times-a-week guy for getting together but am still trying to figure that out. This senior single stuff is new to me. A buddy of mine asked me if the 2.5 to three times of meetings per week include time for intimacy. I choked on my wine.

Egad, I hadn’t thought about that and said, “Let me get back to you on that.” Wow, so much to think about under this availability umbrella. On second thought, I think I know my answer. I’m learning how single women think about availability and other issues during these early stages of venturing out there. Hopefully, the info will keep me from saying or doing Something Stupid. (a 1967 #1 song made popular by Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
Link to Something Stupid

Senior dating concern: Availability

“Are you available to date?” He asked. She answered “No”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 13, 2023
Don’t make yourself available if you aren’t available

By Columnist Tom Blake

Champ Bruce emailed his response to last week’s Senior Part-Time Girlfriend eNewsletter. In that column, a man told his girlfriend Joyce, 74,(she’s six years older) that he wanted to see her only two times a week and occasionally three times. They had been seeing each other almost daily for four months.

Joyce was taken aback but accepted his wishes, saying, “I’m going to still see him because I’d rather be with someone kind and generous part-time than the unknown.”

Bruce wrote, “As a 60-ish single senior, I can relate to the gentlemen who informed Joyce of wanting to see her just 2-3 times per week. “Many of us still work, have grandkids with whom we are occasionally involved during the week, friends we spend time with, and duties around our homes.

“I just got out of a short-term relationship which had me ‘running a rat race’ where we both had individual homes and the other party wanted to be together almost every night of the week.

“This would work with a married couple or a couple who choose to immediately live together but can be a challenge when you choose to each have your own homes and live apart.

“Juggling time between family, friends, the girlfriend, and work can be a challenge. It’s not that we don’t want to spend time with our significant other, but restricting the relationship time you have with your family and friends because your dating partner may have significantly more free time is not balanced.

“If you are retired, and have no significant family or friends that you are involved with, then you may have a lot of free time to devote to a woman who may need that level of involvement in her relationship.

“That’s part of the matching process, finding a person you are interested in spending time with and becoming involved with, and still meshing your time with family and friends.”

Tom’s opinion on being available for senior love

As a newly single senior, Bruce’s comment got my attention. Right off the top, I think he’s right. It’s not just men who have limited time to spend with a mate. It applies to women as well. I’ve corresponded with many single newspaper and eNewsletter readers lately. Many are widows. Here’s my observation about the time availability of five of those widows, based on what they’ve said or just my impression.

One widow (of a year and a half) manages her deceased husband’s business and in her own home is caregiving for her elderly mother. She barely has time to come up for air or a walk around the block. She’s a lovely person who’s not available for a relationship. Not at this time, at least.

Another widow (of 10 years) is a go-getter business-wise. The demands of her job leave her with little spare time for anything. She said, “I’m not willing to give up my free time for a relationship at this point in my life. The little bit of free time I have I like spending by myself or with my family.” She’s also a lovely person, and not available for a relationship.

A third widow (two years) has a sports instructor’s job that requires hours of daily teaching and physical exercise, sometimes starting at 6 a.m., six to seven days a week. One day, after a long hard day of working, she emailed, “I’m worthless right now. Physically and mentally; I give my all to the kids! I’m also stubborn.” This happens to her often. Exhausted, too pooped to pop. She’s not available either, but at times I feel she wishes she were.

A fourth widow (six months), has a demanding job with a successful company where she’s an important executive, the glue that keeps her office together. She works out daily, doing Pilates, and strives to keep herself fit. She has a dog she treasures that requires walks twice daily. She rides and cares for a horse each week. I imagine the appointment calendar on her wall is filled with activities and obligations. She spends time with her family. She has amazing energy and is attractive. Time for a relationship? On a limited basis, perhaps.

A fifth widow (2 years), is always busy. She has three dogs, which require attention. She’s possibly available, but still grieving the loss of her spouse. Spending time doesn’t appear to me to be a high priority for this nice person. These widows are all attractive. Men would love being able to spend time with them. Some of the widows were married for 40 years or more. Some are in grief gridlock, which is my own term, not meant to be derogatory. I get grief gridlock; I’m in it often as well.

These widows still grieve; it might never get easier for them as time progresses. They are intelligent and take good care of themselves. They are financially responsible, and each owns her own home. They simply aren’t available for a relationship, at least that’s my observation. Or perhaps the right guy hasn’t come along.

Grief can also make getting involved in a relationship a challenge. I’ve learned in the two months since I lost Greta that grief can do strange things to one’s mind. One minute you’re cruising along feeling you are beginning to do a little better and then bam, out of the blue, a STUG (Sudden, Temporary, Uptake, of Grief) hits. It can make you cranky, cry, wacked out, sad, depressed—you name it.

You might be alone or with someone and you say something to the person that he or she might misinterpret or not comprehend, or even appreciate. Hopefully, people won’t judge you too harshly. You’re doing the best you can. A second chance might be all that is needed to enjoy that person.

If people decide to initially meet for coffee or a walk, or whatever, and there appears to be a connection between them, I think having the availability discussion early on is important so both people understand each other’s availability, and manage their relationship expectations based on it. Know yourself well and what you want.

And then there are seniors who are available but often have compatibility issues. The idiosyncrasies and baggage we all have can get in the way of senior romance as well. A friend of mine and I had a laugh that we weren’t compatible because I love mashed potatoes and she doesn’t like mashed potatoes. We’re mashed-potato-incompatible!

In preparing today’s eNewsletter, thinking about loneliness and seniors being alone who aren’t available for a relationship, the words from one of the greatest songs ever recorded and my favorite Bob Dylan song, Like A Rollin’ Stone, came to mind.

“How does it feel? How does it feel? To be on your own with no direction home, A complete unknown like a rolling stone?”

(See the link below)

Don’t forget to be kind and hug each other. But don’t make yourself available if you’re not available. Only you can judge what you want or need at this stage in your life. And when you meet someone who feels right to you, with whom you are compatible, give each other a chance. Take your time. Be patient with each other. Understand the person’s needs and priorities.

You may need to rearrange your availability priorities a bit. It just might be worth the effort. Even if you see each other only two or three times a week. If that person has a lot to offer, and you run and hide from them, they may be gobbled up by someone else, and then, a few months later, you’re sorry you didn’t keep them in your life. And remember, today’s topic applies to both men and women.

Link to Like A Rolling Stone – a six-minute+ masterpiece

Widower Dating – Responses to Widower Seeks Clarity

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

December 16, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Widower gets advice from Champs

In last week’s eNewsletter, Ben, a widower of two years, described his relationship with Abby, one of his deceased wife’s best friends, who lives nearly 3,000 miles from him. After a five-day vacation together, on the West Coast, Abby was going to move cross country to live with Ben but changed her mind after pondering it for a few weeks.

Ben has intense feelings for her and wonders why he feels so strongly. Abby says she might move in with him after August 2023.

I asked for your opinions, and wow oh wow, you came through like Champs—23 responses are included below. Champ Larry’s comment inspired the link to a 1953 oldies song at the end of today’s column.

Mary Lou, “All I get from this saga is relief that it’s them and not me. Also, is ‘radical honesty’ different from the truth?

“I think Ben needs to move on. I see only trouble ahead. It must be hard to be widowed after 29 years of marriage. Perhaps not enough time has passed since his wife’s death. Before either person moves, get one-on-one counseling.”

Belinda, “What disturbed me in this scenario is when Ben said he’s no longer sending any sort of ‘emotion’ in his texts to Abby, rather, he’s sending information about his day. That’s no way to keep a long-distance relationship going, especially with a woman he says he cares for so deeply.

“As for the moving thing, Ben and Abby are entitled to their happiness and that means that adult children can either deal with it or launch their own lives elsewhere. At this age, we are way past living for our children’s needs. He’s 62. Time for his own life and pleasure.

“His mother has her own self-contained place. His children are grown. The 17-year-old is grown and may be leaving for college in a few months.

“The older children should already be established in their lives and no longer living off dad. “If Abby feels she is in love with Ben, they will communicate their individual desires and hopes for the future and come up with a plan that will work for them.

“Love at this age is tough to find and we need to cherish it when we are lucky enough to have it.

“Children grow up and leave. Ben could live another 20-plus years. Being alone because of more sacrifice for what makes children comfortable at this age is folly. I would actively move them out and move Abby in, make a commitment, and live in happiness.”

Nigelle, “Ben is doing the sensible thing by ‘throttling back’ the emotional texting. I don’t feel he loves Abby; I sense he ‘needs’ her, and that can be a powerful factor that clouds the matter.”

S (a woman), “Ben’s only been widowed two years. He’s not yet through the grieving process. Abby was handy and convenient albeit too soon. Ben did not have the opportunity to explore other options. Abby had a change of heart. In order to preserve the friendship, and that’s what it is, back away slowly.”

Carolyn, “This is what can happen with kids in the senior dating mix. Too many red flags. Her daughter threw a monkey wrench into the plans for Abby to move into Ben’s home. Daughters don’t want their moms to move away from them.

“Also, Ben has his mom and one of his sons living with him. Time for Ben to move on.”

Patty, “I lost my husband of 47 years in July. I think Abby thought about giving up her space to live with him, his kids, and his mother—the trade-off didn’t equal up. Every woman misses the intimacy, tenderness, and true friendship of a partner, but the process of breaking in someone new is daunting. Abby isn’t his true match.”

Kim, “It seems like it was too much too soon. We all know how ‘heady’ love is at first and maybe we perceive things differently at that time. Ben and Abby have a lot on their plates but found a convenient love opportunity.

“They should step back for a minute and take that ‘soulmate’ stuff out of the equation. Familiarity is an easy way to slip into a bad relationship. Like best friends that take the plunge and then regret sets in because they miss the ease of friendship.”

Colleen, “Maybe Abby feels bad about her private communicating with Ben prior to Ruth’s passing and now doesn’t feel right moving into her best friend’s home.”

Alicia, “I think Ben and Abby already knew in their minds that they wanted something romantic and intimate to transpire during their vacation together. Otherwise, why even mention celibacy? Abby probably concluded that they needed to proceed at a slower pace. She likely wants them both to be more certain about the authenticity of their mutual love. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

“The intensity of his love for Abby? I believe our hearts can hold love for someone else on different levels and that is okay. It does not diminish his love for his wife, nor does it diminish his love for Abby. If they both can accept this, they can make it happen.

“The children will be a part of their lives forever, so it’s appropriate to consider how they feel, and give them time to digest it, and after some time, Ben and Abby will decide if living together is a good idea or not.”

Four men speak up

Carmelo, “Jump in; take a chance. What’s to lose?”

Wayne, “Way too many red flags with this Ben and Abby senior dating situation.”

Larry, “Vaya Con Dios, my darling.” (link to the song below)

Dave, “My story is included in your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. It’s Chapter 32 (Dave and Franny) and called A Lifetime in Seven Years. For Ben, I quote words of advice from that chapter:

‘Eventually, it dawned on me. What I had to do was accept who and what I was. I needed to like myself, actually love myself before I could love another unconditionally. I needed to prepare myself for the dawn of my new life.

“When I would meet that one special lady who was destined to be my unconditional partner.’

Dave continued, “No one has the questions Ben should be asking. Only Ben knows what is within himself. His questions will come from and be generated by his honesty with and about himself; understanding who and what is really his, and where he is now, today, not yesterday.”

Tom’s comment: Dave’s Chapter 32 is one of the most sincere, heart-wrenching chapters in the entire “How 50 Couples Found Love after 50” book. He inked those quoted words 13 years ago.

Althea, “Abby got caught up in the heat of the five days together, thinking Ben was her soul mate. When she got back home, she had time alone to think; she got cold feet and saw what she would have to give up by moving 3,000 miles away to live with Ben.

“Later, in a text, she said ‘maybe’ she’d move to his place in nine months. That’s pretty iffy. They should spend a LOT more time thinking it through and spend more time together on both coasts to see what develops after the rush of emotions settles down.”

Margaret, “Too many red flags. Often bad choices are made when a person is senior grieving. Ben should spend more time thinking of the long-term consequences of moving Abby cross country. If things don’t work out for them, it could be disastrous for both of them.”

Thyrza, “Both should cool off and let clearer heads prevail. Both have red flags.”

Kaitte, “Lots of excuses and red flags. Ben’s household is too crowded with his family. They both should let it go. They can revisit at a later date if and when situations change.”

Robbie, “Ben doesn’t want to be single. Amy has come along at the right time, even though they’ve known each other for years. I wish them the best.”

Bonnie, “I don’t think she was trying to jilt Ben. She suddenly had life events that needed her attention. We all can get caught up in new love and then life happens. Abby is the one relocating. That is a big deal. Especially when they will share a home with Ben’s elderly mom and son. Perhaps best to plan visits every five or six weeks back and forth.

“I think Abby is sincere. It just may take some adjustments along the way. The only factor that may alter Abby’s decision may be her daughter. That’s a big one.”

Jeanne, “Way too complicated of a relationship. Adios.”

Francine, “Ben has not explored any relationship other than Abby. I think he should date again and if in six months he still has feelings for Abby then he should pursue her. Abby also has to figure things out.”

Kathy, “They should both stay where they are. Abby living with his mom and son will never work as everyone needs their own space. They should keep up the texts and calls and rendezvous every three months in different places—e.g., a hotel in Vegas, a condo in Cancun, and a cabin in Colorado.”

Deanne, “I am a widow; I understand what Ben is going through. He is looking for the quick and easy with little work or he’s avoiding the uneasiness of starting a new relationship with someone else. Ben could put himself in a worse spot if he doesn’t take his foot off the gas pedal.

Vaya Con Dios song (1953) by Les Paul and Mary Ford

Link to Vaya Con Dios with Les Paul and Mary Ford

Widower seeks clarity

Tom first published this eBook in 2010 on the Smashwords.com website. Has the dating scene changed for widowed people since then? Yes and no. Today’s story shows that it still can be a Mine Field and not a Gold Mine.

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter December 9, 2022
A Widower Seeks Clarity By Columnist Tom Blake

Tom’s note: All names have been changed and grammar adjusted

A widower seeks clarity

An email arrived last week: “My name is Ben and I’m reaching out to you after recently visiting your website.”

Ben wrote, “I’m 62 and became widowed unexpectantly in October 2020, when my wife, Ruth, died from a heart attack.

“We were married 29 years and have three children. Our children are 17 (living with me), 21 (away at university), and, 25 (living with me since Ruth died). I also have my 89-year-old mother living at my home in a self-contained apartment. My son is going to be moving out by spring 2023.

“Ruth’s closest friend was Abby. They have been friends since college, for 37 years. Abby and I became friends because of her friendship with Ruth. I know both of Abby‘s ex-husbands and her two children from her first marriage. Abby has not been in a relationship for five years.

“Before either of us had married, Abby and I had a little one-time fling while drinking too much at a party. She lives on the West Coast; I live in the eastern part of the country.

Flash forward to June 2022

Ben continued, “I felt a need to get away this summer and just have some me time after dealing with and managing grief for myself and for my children and managing my business. Abby and I have been in communication through the years and more so after Ruth’s passing.

“I texted Abby, mentioning that I was taking a five-day vacation to the West Coast, and asked her to join me. I mentioned that I thought it would be fun. She replied immediately and agreed. She reminded me that she had been celibate for five years. I mentioned that I was glad she told me and that I just wanted her company. I confirmed I would be a total gentleman.

“I went in mid-July. During the trip, we were getting closer and closer and finding out things about each other. Plus, we were having an emotional time together reminiscing about Ruth.

“At the end of the five days, Abby wound up flying back home with me to visit longer and to visit her sister who lives two hours away from me. Abby told me numerous times that we were soulmates, and that I was the teammate she had been looking for. We talked in radical honesty.

“During that period, we shared deep and pleasant conversations regarding our feelings for each other. We were planning to move her into my home in the east and were working on the renovation plan for the new bedroom, planning on buying a new bed, dishes, etc. Then, she unexpectedly lost the lease on her apartment out west.

“In early November, she made a decision that everything was going way too fast, and she wanted to slow it down. Her life was in turmoil because she had no home and her daughter who lives near her was needing her and the timing was just not good for us. She is incredibly busy growing her internet-based consulting business. Abby needed to get her own apartment. All of her belongings, car, etc., were out west; it was just too much in her head.

“Abby signed a short-term lease on a new apartment. She mentioned in a text that her plan may be to pack up everything in August and drive to my place.

“We still text most days, but I am giving her space and not texting as often. Also, I am leaving the emotion of how I feel out of the texts. I am showing her that I am thinking about her every day by virtue of the texts. They are shorter and about what I did that day or a photo of what I am having for dinner, kids’ birthdays, etc.

“Although my kids have known Abby all their lives, I understand they are probably not ready for this. But I do feel that I am in love with Abby. I’ve been in love in the past, obviously with Ruth and I am not meaning to compare, but it’s a different feeling of love and intensity than with Ruth. I haven’t felt like dating. I am not on dating sites and have turned down advances from other women.

“All this emotion came on quickly at least when compared to anything from the past and with Abby also saying the same thing. What I’m trying to figure out is how much the prior 37-year friendship with Abby has to do with me having such intense–in a great way–emotions for her versus some sort of comfort that I’m seeking because of the death of Ruth?”

Tom’s nine thoughts on Ben’s saga

Champs, I’d like your opinions on this saga. Here are nine thoughts from me that come to mind:

1. Why did Abby have a sudden change of heart and drop the bomb on Ben out of the blue? Didn’t she consider his feelings? What triggered her action?
That’s not how one treats a soulmate.

2. Did Abby give up her celibacy? I’m guessing she did. Perhaps she regrets that.

3. Is this long-distance relationship possible? A distance of 3,000 miles isn’t simply the next town over.

4. In August 2023, will Abby move in with Ben? He will still have one son and his mother living in the house. Egad, would that work? He says his kids might not be ready for Abby to move in. Is Ben willing to wait eight months? Does he realize that Abby might change her mind and decide to not move to be with Ben? If so, he’s wasted those eight months waiting for more disappointment.

5. What about Abby’s daughter? Is Abby willing to leave her on the West Coast?

6. What the hell does ‘radical honesty’ mean?

7. What happens if Abby meets someone before August? Or Ben meets someone?

8. Ben asks in the final paragraph why he has such intense feelings for Abby. I don’t think it matters why. That’s what love is. However, love can be blind and cloud clear thinking.

9. At least Ben throttled back on the texting. Should he just have said, ‘Adios?’ instead?

I’m all ears. Let me know your thoughts.

Wednesdays are never dull

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

DECEMBER 2, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Wednesdays are never dull

I allowed a dumb thing to happen this Wednesday. I received an email earlier in the week titled “Seeking Clarity” from a widower of two years that in a nutshell had to do with a woman he has been dating. It was lengthy, close to 1,000 words. He wanted to consult with me over the phone.

I read it and immediately felt it had enough widower-dating information to make an interesting eNewsletter for you Champs. Frankly, it’s been a bit difficult to generate meaningful topics since Greta passed away a month ago. My battery is a bit spent.

Anyway, I emailed back to him saying I’d be happy to consult with him and that I’d like to use his story in this week’s eNewsletter and asked for his permission to do so. Four days went by without a response.

So, Wednesday I realized I’d better get a newsletter written for today. I decided to use his story and started editing the material. I changed the names of the people involved and their locations just to protect myself. The project took close to four hours. I finally had what I thought was a worthwhile newsletter that you Champs would respond to.

Around 2 p.m., I got a response from him saying there were some items of information he did not want included and to hold the presses. So, here I had a completed eNewsletter for this week with which I was pleased. And I couldn’t use it. The dumb thing was that I invested four hours without being 100 percent sure it was okay with him. One would think that after 28 years of writing columns, I’d have been smarter than that. Again, I just haven’t been thinking clearly for the last month due to my loss of my mate for 25 years.

So what happened? I’ve been trying to senior downsize and get rid of stuff lately. I looked at one of the boxes in the living room that was filled with 136 Writer’s Digest Magazines, dated from 1987 through 2011. I don’t want to just pitch them out. I used these magazines to learn how to write and how to hone my writing back even before I became a columnist. I attribute the tips in those magazines to helping me learn the trade. Perhaps, a Champ or two will come up with an idea of what I can do with those magazines.

Also, I noticed, on top of the pile, a magazine titled “55 Plus. For Active Adults in Central New York.” It was dated June/July 2011. There was a promo on the front cover that read, “Seniors Using Online Dating Steadily Increasing.”

I started reading the article. It said, “The number of seniors who use online dating services is expected to skyrocket in the coming years…”

I said to myself, “Just for fun, I’ll read this article to see how online dating has changed since 2011.”

Paragraph five blew my mind. It said, “Tom Blake, an Orange County Register columnist and author of several books about finding love after the age of 50, said that more than half of 50 couples he surveyed for a recent book (How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, published in 2009) indicated that they found their current significant others on Internet dating sites.

The next paragraph read, “I was surprised by that,” said Blake, who also publishes a free e-Newsletter for older singles simply called the Tom Blake Newsletter. “And even more interesting was that one site, Match.com, blew away the competition, based on what the people said about their experiences with different sites.

“Changing attitudes are a big part of why so many more people over 50 are dating again,” Blake said. “Some people may elect to never marry again after a divorce, but they are looking to cohabitate.”

I had even more words of wisdom in that article but that’s enough for now. I can’t remember being interviewed by Aaron Gifford, the person who wrote the piece. Finding that story was the result of me being so dumb earlier in the day by writing for four hours, only to put that eNewsletter in the can, to be used in the future.

And here is a surprising coincidence. In the U.S. mail on Wednesday, a condolences card about my losing Greta a month ago arrived in the mailbox. It was from a woman who said, “My ex-boyfriend and I, Susan and Ward, are Chapter 35 in your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. Our chapter is titled, Seeking an ‘intelligent and solvent’ man. Then she went on to explain why they aren’t together anymore. And then my worn-out Wednesday brain started thinking, “Humm, maybe that could be a future eNewsletter topic!”

My book, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 is available on Amazon and my www.Finding Love After 50.com website or email me directly for a special price and signed copy.

So anyway, I hope I also get to use that initial column I wrote for today’s article soon. Knowing you Champs, I think you’d have a field day from what the widower wrote.

Around here, Wednesdays are never dull.

Happy Thanksgiving

Road runner crop — Roadrunner at the Indian Canyons Golf Course Outdoor restaurant (photo by Tom Blake November 2023 while dining)

Instead of picking on a poor turkey this Thanksgiving week, this roadrunner is pictured at Indian Canyons Golf Resort South Restaurant (open to the public) in Palm Springs. Ca. Don’t drop food; she’ll out-peck you.

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

November 24, 2022

Brief eNewsletter This Thanksgiving 2023 Week

By Columnist Tom Blake

Happy Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Week. A brief column today while thinking of Greta Cohn, my partner of 25 years, who passed away October 29.

However, as I often do, I have a song for you. In honor of Greta and the roadrunner pictured above, the song is “All The Roadrunning” by Emmylou Harris and Mark Knopfler, a strong favorite of mine. Here’s All the Roadrunning link

I dedicate this song to a friend who helped me for a short time after the passing of Greta. If she’s reading this eNewsletter today, she probably understands why it’s dedicated to her.

See you next week. Send in your stories.

A recent widow sees no chance of dating again

Singer and songwriter Rod Stewart is mentioned today. The photo courtesy of TheScottishSun.co.UK

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

November 18, 2022

A Widow Sees No Chance of Dating Again

By Columnist Tom Blake

Married 40 years, a recent widow sees no chance of dating again

This week, I received an email from a recent widow. She gave me permission to share the email’s contents with our Champs. I will call her Maggie May, not her actual name.

Coincidentally, Maggie May is the name of a 1971 song by Rod Stewart. At the end of today’s article, there is more information on Stewart’s songs and a link to Maggie May, and another link to the flip side of that record, Reason To Believe.

Maggie May emailed, “I follow your articles in the San Clemente Times in southern California. I enjoy hearing the male perspective on dating. I haven’t noticed women writing to you saying something like this, so I will say it: ‘I am 60, recently widowed after 40 years of marriage (Covid took my college sweetheart), and wanting to date.’

“I tried the dating apps and failed. I am not willing to pay $5,000 for a professional matchmaker. I contacted a matchmaker; she was very nice initially. Then she found out my husband and I had opposite religious faiths, which was never an issue for us in 40 years. We celebrated both religions. She turned cold. It was shocking.

“Also, friends and family don’t know anyone for me to date.

“I am physically active. I volunteer and play sports, but I just don’t see a chance of dating again. Where do I start? Are you sure you aren’t a matchmaker?”

Tom’s response to Maggie May “Thank you for mustering the courage to contact me. By writing, you have already started to enter the senior dating arena. More importantly, please don’t give up on the chance of dating again.

“You are young, and just beginning your quest.

“You didn’t fail with online dating; it just didn’t work out for you. While online dating has been successful for some seniors, many feel as you feel, it’s not their cup of tea.

“And no, I’m not a matchmaker, but lately, a few south Orange County single guys around your age have contacted me. Perhaps you can exchange emails with them. Let me know if you want me to give you their email addresses.

“You said friends and family don’t help you. But consider this, perhaps a neighbor down the street or across town appeals to you but he isn’t available. You may not even be aware of him but your family members or friends might know him.

“However, life can change in an instant. That guy might become single overnight. He may feel like you, asking himself, ‘Where do I start?’ Keep reminding your friends and family that you’d like to meet a nice guy. Don’t give up asking them. It only takes one.

“Another indication that you have already started is by your doing volunteer work and playing sports, places where you meet new people. The important thing: Continue to get off the couch and out of the house and pursue activities you enjoy. Maybe even add a few more activities.

“Finding a new relationship doesn’t just happen. However, you can dramatically help make it happen by making interacting socially with people a top priority.

“If you see a man who appeals to you, and, who appears to be available (no wedding ring or maybe he winks at you), strike up a conversation or ask him a question, whether in the produce or wine section of a store, at church, or wherever you go when you are out and about. Be assertive, but not aggressive, and always be friendly and smile. Exude positive energy.

“Let’s say he’s already in a relationship. He might mention to you that he has a buddy who would like to meet potential mates and he’d be happy to introduce you to his buddy.

“I recommend you sign up for this free weekly On Life and Love After eNewsletter. Simply email me and I’ll add you, or you can sign up on the homepage of my website listed below. I attempt to answer all emails in a timely manner.

“Having lost Greta, my partner of 25 years, last month, I understand your loneliness and pain. Perhaps, via this eNewsletter, you’ll get some tips that might be helpful, or you might exchange emails with single men. I’ve often explained why I’m not a matchmaker to our Champs; I think they understand.

“Don’t give up; you are on your way to the senior dating arena.”

Tom’s comment about two Rod Stewart songs The song Maggie May became a number-one hit on the charts. It was the B-side of the record (the A-side was Reason To Believe). Maggie May features one of the most memorable “get-even-for- breaking-my-heart” lines I’ve ever heard:

“The morning sun when it’s in your face really shows your age.”

Link to Maggie May by Rod Stewart

I like the A-side Reason To Believe better. Its opening words are also a relationship-misery classic: “If I listened long enough to you, I’d find a way to believe that it’s all true. Knowing that you lied straight-faced while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe.”
Link to Reason To Believe by Rod Stewart

And finally, thanks to so many of you for sending heartwarming thoughts and sympathy wishes to me, regarding my losing Greta three weeks ago. Together, let’s keep this eNewsletter moving forward.

A Tribute to Greta Cohn – 6 Songs

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

November 11, 2022

Loving Her Was Easier than anything I’ll ever do again

By Columnist Tom Blake

Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again)

A few years ago, my partner Greta asked, “Is there anything you want me to do as far as a ceremony if you pass away?”

I replied, “I don’t want a funeral, but if you have a celebration of life for me, I’d like you to play six of my favorite most meaningful songs by the original artists. Make a tape of them and play each song. I insist they are the recorded version and not by a tribute band or some other artist.”

Greta said, “Will you write them down for me?”

I did, and here is the list:

1 Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again) by Kris Kristofferson

2. If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks

3. Sunday Morning Coming Down by Johnny Cash (written by Kris Kristofferson)

4. The Dance by Garth Brooks

5. Dry Your Eyes by Neil Diamond

6. Dreaming My Dreams by Waylon Jennings

Of course, when I handed the list to Greta, I didn’t expect that someday I’d be playing one or more of those songs in her memory. They are all country and Western songs and Greta–when we first met–wasn’t a country fan and didn’t know much about country music. I love country music because it’s so expressive and written from the heart.

Over the years, Greta started to enjoy it. I about fell over when she asked me to play a video of Freddy Fender singing, “Before The Next Teardrop Falls.”

Fender wasn’t country, he was a Tex-Mex Tejano singer, but when she said that, I knew she had expanded her music-loving horizons to a point she had never expected.

There was no way I felt that I would outlive Greta. (Greta Cohn passed away two weeks ago, October 29). In her honor, I am including a link to the first song on the list, Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again,) at the end of today’s eNewsletter.

Next, I must tell you how overwhelmed I am by the emails you Champs sent me last week. There were so many that it took me three days to either respond to each one or at least, archive each one.

If what you emailed me is not included in today’s column, please understand, there wasn’t enough space, although they were all incredible and each one touched me deeply.

My intention in this week’s eNewsletter is not to get syrupy or drag you through my grief, but rather it’s to ensure I clearly express my appreciation for the caring and outpouring of love you sent to Greta and to me.

My first realization was how many of you Champs have also lost loved ones in your lives. Your messages about your experiences have helped me greatly and hopefully will help others when the need arises.

John said, “I can relate to your feelings as I’ve lost two wives to cancer.”

Victoria added, “I have been in your shoes, 13 years ago, my husband of 25 years died.”

Beverly emailed, “My husband died in late July.”

A male Champ said, “My former wife was a special ed teacher (as was Greta) and special education teachers are so important they get to be in the express lane when they get to heaven.”

My second realization was how much Champs loved Greta, although most hadn’t met her in person.

While each email was special to me, I’d like to share a few that truly hit home.

Anne, a widow living in Arizona, who was married to a high school classmate of mine, wrote, “After my husband died, I went to a grief workshop. One of the things they taught was what they call STUGS. It stands for the Sudden Temporary Uptake of Grief. These hit at unpredictable times. Sometimes, I could identify a trigger, but other times they just came like a bolt out of the blue.”

Oh my gosh, I clearly understood what Anne described. I’m certain other Champs have experienced STUGS themselves. They are like earthquakes and can arrive in clusters or one at a time. At least now I understand they are normal reactions to losing love, whether a partner, family member, friend or even a pet. I’ve had a plethora of STUGs this week.

Mark, another Champ, emailed saying he and his siblings are forever grateful to Greta for laying her hands on the gravestones of his parents in a cemetery in American Samoa. Greta and I visited Mark’s parents’ graves four years ago while on an extensive cruise in Asia and the Pacific.

Francine wrote, “I know how you feel as my husband passed away unexpectedly in 2012 at age 67. A year later, I started to date Bob. He passed away in 2017 at age 69. Healing takes time. You don’t get over it; you just get through it.”

Ray wrote, “To be overwhelmed by grief, you must be overwhelmed by love. You had a relationship to be treasured and remembered.”

Marty stated, “I’m bawling like a baby, after reading your column for so many years, I felt I knew Greta. She was very special.”

There are no words

One theme that was mentioned in many emails was the feeling that there are no words spoken that can make the pain go away. For example, Rhen’s email began “Words fail at this time…”

Jessica, wrote, “There are no words…”

Carolyn emailed, “Words can never express how sorrowful I feel…”

And, Terry said, “Tears are falling…I could see the love and respect you both had for each other.”

And then, there were endless heartwarming emails. Here are three:

Elenute wrote, “Thank you, Tom, for being in our life, too.”

Nigelle said, “When sorrow’s shadow lessens, you will know Greta in every flower and every sunrise.”

Jessica emailed, “You and Greta felt like family.”

I will end this eNewsletter with a message from Deanne who wrote, “I hope you continue writing for many years. It brings us laughter and the true reality of being over 50. It gives us knowledge, and hope, and brightens our days. I don’t sleep well, so, early on Friday mornings, I’m always looking for what you’ve written.”

Thanks to all of you for being virtually by my side during this very difficult time. I feel the power of love from each of you.

Link to “Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again)”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbhkqQTgnv4

Overwhelmed by Grief Farewell to Greta

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter November 4, 2022

Overwhelmed by Grief

By Columnist Tom Blake

Last week I wrote the longest eNewsletter ever, featuring 18 responses to the topic, Senior Sex. With or without a commitment?

Today, I am writing the shortest eNewsletter I’ve ever written.

My heart is heavy, my eyes have tears. On Saturday, October 29, at approximately 2 a.m., my life partner and best friend of 25 years, Greta Cohn, peacefully passed away, concluding a 130-day battle of attempted healing and recovery.

On July 11, Greta fell and broke her hip. She had been experiencing neurological issues that affected her balance and other symptoms. That day commenced her 130-day battle of a hoped-for recovery. The hip healed; the neurological symptoms worsened. The final two months were spent in our home under Hospice care with 24/7 caregivers assisting.

At home, she was loved, not only by me, but by her four children, eight grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren. Also by her sisters and brothers. Not one day went by during that 130-day period without at least one of her family members visiting or being at her bedside.

I share this news with you today because you Champs are like family to me. Many of you have had similar experiences, either recently or in the past. Everyone faces unique challenges as they grow older. We all do the best we can to deal with those issues.

There are no services planned at this point, except for a family-members only scattering of her ashes near Catalina Island on May 6, 2023, which is three days before her 81st birthday. The reason it will be near Catalina Island is all four of her children–Terri, Tina, Tammi, and Tony were born on the island.

You probably are thinking, “What can I do to help?” My answer: “No flowers, cards, or gifts. Please just a prayer for Greta. She had a heart of gold. She taught special education children for 32 years.”

One last item. The healthcare workers who touched Greta’s life were incredible people. They loved Greta and she loved them. They are angels.

Thanks to all of you for being in my life.

Senior Sex and Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 28, 2022

18 Responses to Senior Sex and Commitment By Columnist Tom Blake

  18 responses to last week’s sex and commitment eNewsletter Editor alert:

This is the longest eNewsletter I’ve ever written, thanks to the sage comments from our Champs regarding senior sex and commitment. And senior sex and intimacy. Be sure you read the final response from an anonymous man. He hit the winning home run, during this, World Series week.

Today’s eNewsletter features 18 responses (12 from women, six from men). The ratio of women to men responding was two-to-one, dramatically more favorable than the dreaded senior dating ratio of seven-to-one mentioned last week. What women said Joanie emailed, “I think an 81-year-old man in good shape should advertise himself as an ‘escort’ (be healthy, stay in shape, look good, dress well, and smell good).

“Many single women have events and dinners to attend and need an escort but not a relationship. A man, by escorting, is doing community service without commitment. He’s getting to know the women and will eventually find one that is compatible.

“When he is the escort, the woman pays for everything, even if she wants a traveling companion, she pays. I saw a TV program about two older men in Palm Beach, Florida who were doing this.

“In this way, everyone gets what they want, and the man will eventually meet a true partner. Dating for oldsters is hard because it has a potentially romantic connotation whereas escorting does not have that connotation.”

Carolyn said, “The sex factor constantly pops up in the dating scene. Like many women, I have decided to not date anymore. Sad but true. I have been disappointed so many times by men who think that if they take you out to dinner or the theatre, they are owed a roll in the hay!

“The last man I dated was wonderful to speak with and we had so many of the same interests. I thought that I finally found a wonderful guy. However, after the second date, he mentioned SEX! “Not a problem for me since I do enjoy it, but he thought it was appropriate to say we should try it first before we continued our relationship. I was shocked when he said, ‘You wouldn’t buy a car without trying it out, right?’ That was the end of the relationship.

“Now, I attend group functions, theatre, dancing, Zumba classes, and movies. I enjoy my single life! Still, fingers crossed in hoping to meet someone special!”

Linda: “Lots of women don’t like sex. They gave it up after the kids were raised. I’m 72 and have lots of lady friends my age who aren’t interested.

“Men want sex even if they are unable to perform. Some men can’t take Viagra or Cialis because of the cardiac medications they are on. Men also want someone who can cook and take care of the house. Some women don’t want to cook anymore. So, there are quite a few women who don’t want sex, don’t want to cook, and haven’t taken care of their bodies.”

“Women like myself, who like sex and don’t want to be with a nice guy who can’t have sex–and who just wants me to cook and clean for him–won’t work for me. With the 7:1 ratio, I have no problem finding a male interested in me in this 55-plus community where I live. I’d say I’m a more balanced older lady. I enjoy, sex, I’m a good cook, I’m social and good looking and I’m in good physical condition for my age.”

Gail, “Senior sex is a bitch. I wish I could have it as often as I want and not be affected by it. Unfortunately, as a widow, I realized I was not a carefree-sex person. I tried.

“Once sex came into the relationship, and the guy was not a committed BF, I tried to make it so. I did not like being that type of woman. So now, after two or three dates, I tell him that he is pressuring me for sex and I’m not on the same page.

“If he likes me, he’ll work to make it happen, so far, there have been none of those. Truly, why should he wait? I get it, there are seven or more women waiting.

“So, I enjoy my friends and activities and keep hoping I’ll find that single, great guy who wants a committed relationship with me and not just sex.”

Anonymous (woman), “I just read your newsletter and decided to comment…since it has to do with sex, something I used to love and do miss now.

“The last time I had sex with a man was in the summer of 2016. He was 53 with a youngish, still in-good-shaped body. I was 67… and not in the potato body shape, I have now. At that point, I had known him intimately for 14 years so casual sex was comfortable with him, and I had seen his body for 14 years, starting at age 39. Major attraction.

“I have found it difficult over my years of dating men age 60+ to feel any sexual attraction to these men. They are old and they are strangers. I was not one to have casual sex with men I had no loving feelings for.

“Men I have never seen naked when they were 30 and now at 75 or 85, I don’t want to see naked! At least not casually. I suppose if I dated someone (platonically) for a long period of time and fell in love, that would be a different feeling.

“I haven’t met that man yet-I don’t ‘fall’ easily. But these older men I have experienced, have been missing a spouse or long-term girlfriend and they just want to have sex.

“For me and maybe many women like me, thinking about dating and possibly having sex with a man in his 70s-80s is not appealing. Now we just want the companionship we would have had if we had aged for years with a husband. Like most men, I am a visual person and my senses including sight and smell either turn me on or off.”

Mariana, “I believe age 81 isn’t important. More important is a woman’s attitude, her style of dressing to be feminine and not to act like an old lady. Her chance will be much higher no matter how many women are out there, they mostly are not competition for this kind of woman.”

Laurie Jo, “Sex without a commitment is not for me. After divorcing my husband, I decided to have a sleepover with a nice man whom I found attractive. It wasn’t all that great, and I felt cheap and ‘icky’ the next day.

“I tried it and did not like it. If other people are ok with that sort of thing, more power to them. But for me? Absolutely not ever again.”

Marie, “When it comes to having sex, it’s been my experience that there is little difference in behavior between guys in their 70s and 80s and from how I remember them behaving in their late teens, 20s, 30s, etc.

“The difference with some older guys is that they come with a ton of emotional maturity and wisdom, but they all like to have sex. Women do too, although generally, they are more selective, and while they appreciate intimacy, they take longer to appreciate someone as a possible sexual partner.

“Most, not all women, also prefer some type of commitment. I think one 83-year-old guy whom I had just met summed it up well. He told me that he was sexually active, his plumbing worked, and he could do everything that he could do when he was younger, except that it took him a little longer to do so.

“What he failed to understand, is that if he had waited to tell me something so intimate, and actually taken the time to develop a friendship, I might actually have been interested.”

Susie, “I understand what Jerry from last week is talking about. I am the female version of him! I am 80 and still very interested in the sexual part of my life. Women say, ‘Why can’t you just be happy with a nice man’s company and forget about the sex part? You would have someone to go out to dinner with, travel with, and have great conversations with.’

“I say I am not dead yet but, for me finding someone that I am attracted to is a big problem! I am very active and look and act much younger than 80. I am not looking for marriage again, but I would like a partner in crime.”

Kattie, “This is why I have so much trouble finding someone, it’s not just small-town blues, or being on dating sites, or meeting in person. I’m 70, an attractive homebody but I like short excursions. What I’ve found over the last 20 years online and in general, about 70% of men ask very personal questions about sex and my body during the first conversation.

“They show pics without shirts from their 50s, 60s, and 70s and up. A total turn-off for me. I don’t need marriage, but I do need monogamy, no wondering about multiple women in my world.

“I need to get to know somebody. I will kiss cheeks. I remember a 2nd lunch date. He kissed me three times in the parking lot on the lips before I pushed him away. WTH. I feel a woman will initiate another kiss if she wants more; it must be mutual.

“I would have been good if he’d just given me time instead of pushing so hard so fast. He cut off the whole friendship. Then later he said he might have made a mistake. That was two years ago. I haven’t heard from him. No chance, no romance. It would be nice to be in an intimate/sexual relationship, but I won’t be rushed.”

S (woman), “I met this man who doesn’t date women over 40. Why? He said they’ve lost all ‘desire.’ He doesn’t want a relationship, merely sex. He’s a nice-looking man, 73, fit, and has all his hair and all his teeth.

“Sure, he can get the younger women now, but what happens in seven years when he’s 80? A 40-year-old isn’t going to want him! Guys, it’s important to build a relationship-the sex comes with it.”

Marjorie, “Such a conundrum. Jerry seems to think that one should be physical first, then emotional intimacy will follow. But the problem for many women who are looking for a long-term relationship is that emotional intimacy usually doesn’t follow, and these women are left wondering why the guy has disappeared after sex or a few dates.

“Or maybe they think, he’s not the guy I thought he was, and they lose interest. I think from the female viewpoint unless you just want many sex partners, one should be in a mutually exclusive committed relationship before embarking on sex.

“I know, probably unrealistic today. I would just say to people that if you are in a committed relationship, you are building sexual intimacy on a foundation of mutual respect and love. Otherwise, it feels more like you are just taking each other out for a test drive without an emotional connection.

“Most senior women have a good life with a circle of friends, family, and exciting activities. We don’t need a man who brings nothing to the table that we need or want.

“We want someone who makes our lives richer, more fun, and exciting, we want attentive loving lovers. Maybe he’s not that great of a lover. Or that great of a friend. It sounds like women may not be interested in taking Jerry for a test drive.”

“Yes, I am the Marjie who wrote to you previously about reconnecting with her college boyfriend after 46 years. We have been in an exclusive long-distance relationship (1300 miles apart) for the past 2 1/2 years. Through covid.

“We spent the past summer in Montana and this past week in Portland OR for a Who concert.”

What men said

Ken, Mobile, Alabama, emailed, “I must live in the only area in the whole country where there are so few single women over 60. I’m widowed and 64 and rarely meet a woman who is not married and over 55. Mobile is not a haven for single women over 55 but plenty of 35-55 ladies who are just too young for me!”

Army (Curtis) “I feel Jerry’s pain. If a woman has had to take care of a husband that has died with lingering issues, they don’t want to do that again.

“If they want to go out for fun, they will call a girlfriend. They shrug off the nice guys and keep picking the bad boys who cheat on them, or who verbally or physically abuse them. Then, they wonder why they always get the loser.

“These are the men they pick, always the same kind. Then, they finally give up dating. I go out on weekend nights and see tables of groups of women partying with themselves.”

Don, “As I’ve aged, my experience is that women become nonsexual at an earlier age than men. Despite cries of bias, men place more value on sex than women. This is true. It is uncomfortable to talk about. And just talking here makes me cringe.”

Art, Laguna Niguel, Calif. “I am 71, and relatively active. After being married for 48 years, I found myself suddenly single. The last two years have been ‘interesting,’ dealing with a divorce, moving twice, selling a house, buying, and remodeling a house, selling a business, and retiring just a few months ago, all complicated a bit by doing it during the pandemic.

“One of the things I have learned about myself over that period is that I enjoy life more being able to share the joys with someone else. I heard a quote attributed to the late golfer Tom Weiskopf: ‘You don’t want to walk the back nine alone.’

“So now I want to, ‘get back in the market.’ I have decided to try online dating, and the more I research the options, the more confusing it is. Based on your communication with your Champs over the years, do you have an opinion about which might be the preferred service for a guy my age who is looking for a serious, ‘forever’ relationship?

“The online sites all have advantages and disadvantages one doesn’t find about until you’re involved in the process for a while. Others’ experiences would be of value to me.

Bill, “Intimacy is a highly personal matter at any age. Acting responsibly with a partner is important. Sex drives vary greatly especially as we age. Being honest with your partner makes for both the best emotional and physical relationship.

“Some people might want multiple partners, but I think most seniors want monogamy and no one should risk transmitting sexual diseases. Great sex as one grows older can really enhance a relationship.”

And finally below, the sixth man to comment. His email describes a widower’s difficult decision to move on with life after losing his wife—the only woman he had ever been with. It’s one of the most poignant emails I’ve ever used in an eNewsletter. I think you’ll agree.

The 6^th man, “Here are my thoughts regarding your most recent eNewsletter but please do not use my real name as this is very personal and I’d prefer to remain anonymous.   “I’m in my early 60’s and widowed. My late wife and I were committed to each other since we were teenagers and married soon after college. Our relationship started so young, we were the only ones each of us had been intimate with and we loved and valued that bond. “As two people in love and with an active sex drive, it was difficult for us both when my wife’s illness prevented any kind of physical intimacy. But that was only one part of our relationship, and the other parts grew stronger to compensate. My love and commitment towards her were reason enough for me to put my sexual urges on the back burner as I focused on caring for her.

“After her passing, I knew there would be a time when I would resume being sexually active but had no idea when I would feel ready and when I would find a woman I was attracted to. Fast forward to today and I am now dating a wonderful woman.

“As you would expect from two healthy adults who are attracted to each other, we have become physically intimate. The attraction is not just physical but also emotional and we are dating exclusively. That required a certain amount of trust from us both since neither one of us is interested in casual sex and had only known each for a short time.

“We are both committed right now to the relationship and both hopeful it will work in the long term. At this point, I can’t say that I love her with all my heart, but we are close and from what I have seen it is very promising.

“At first this intimacy was difficult for me as I was feeling guilty and unfaithful even though I understood I was no longer married. I had always expected I would only have one sexual partner in my life and appreciated that idea, which is rare in the world. I will always love my late wife, but I have also come to realize that this does not prevent me from loving someone new.”

“For me, it was a physical attraction, and emotional closeness and trust, and a desire to become intimate with a woman again that allowed me to take the leap.  “Thank you for all you do to help those of us who are finding love after 50!”

Tom’s comment: Wow, Champs – men and women—during World Series week, you knocked it out of the park by stepping to the plate and opening your personal vaults on this sex with or without a commitment issue.

I imagine the above 18 Champs’ words will trigger even more responses. Heck, there might eventually be enough information for a book. Maybe we could call it, “Sex with or without a commitment during World Series week!