Columnist Tom Blake – Page 2 – On Life and Love after 50

You Talk Too Much

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 25

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

You Talk Too Much (About Yourself)

Champ Susan emailed this week: “I’ve been reading your weekly column for years. Seeing you go through the horror of losing your soul mate and you following your advice to find a new mate.

“I’m 63, living in Dana Point, California, and have been single for 12 years. A couple of short-term relationships in between. I’m perfectly happy living by myself—thin, attractive, and smart. Reading about health, the experts say that a meaningful relationship adds to your health. So, I joined Zoosk, Match, and Facebook dating.

“In three months, I’ve had 4 dates with different men. On each date, the men only talked about themselves. What is up with that? Don’t they understand the difference between a conversation and a lecture? It’s not a job interview. Either you like each other, or you don’t. Why don’t they want to know more about me? I want to know about them.

“I had a 5^th date yesterday. I had to laugh at him. I have an S-class Mercedes, and he has a Tesla. He looked at my car and said, ‘OMG, you have two exhaust pipes.’ He was serious. I don’t think he will date me again.

“I’m frustrated with online dating. I don’t like Zoosk because they send you this carousel of men, but you can’t see where they are from or anything about them until you like them. Not having any luck on Match as far as getting dates. Everyone that likes me is 60+ miles away. I specify the distance, but it only makes a difference when I search, it doesn’t stop others from writing to me from far away.

“Facebook dating is free, and I get the most local people to evaluate. Am I missing something?”

Tom’s comment: “Why do the men you’ve dated only talk about themselves? I imagine they are nervous, perhaps fearing that you won’t like them, so they must tell you all the positive things about themselves. They don’t understand it’s common etiquette on a date for each person to share the conversation, especially on the first date when impressions are so important.

“Perhaps, they are intimidated by you and feel you are out of their league. They may be talking nonstop about themselves to convince you they are worthy of your attention.

“So, Susan, keep trying to meet men. Perhaps change the online dating service you use. In addition to online dating, get out and about in your city of Dana Point. Meet new people. Senior dating is a numbers game.”

That each of Susan’s four dates talked too much about themselves and didn’t ask about her is puzzling to me. I don’t have a good answer. I think it’s time for Susan to get an opinion from a therapist. It might be that she is doing something wrong by attracting strange men.

I remember the novelty smash hit song, “You Talk Too Much” by Joe Jones. When it was popular in 1960, I was in college at DePauw University, Greencastle, Indiana, and scored a date with one of the most attractive women on the campus.

She dominated the conversation about herself, and that song kept popping into my head while she chatted away. I didn’t understand why she was talking so much about herself. I guess she didn’t want a second date with me so she figured if she dominated the conversation, I would realize the date would be our only one. She was right, we didn’t go out again. But we remained cordial friends.

When Susan emailed me her question this week, it reminded me of that date 65 years ago. What a riot! Both senior men and women should remember conversation etiquette on first dates and all dates. If conversation slows to a standstill, or your date is talking too much about themselves, ask him or her a question like, “Would you like to hear a bit about me?” That question would be a good reminder for them that they are talking too much.

My buddy Jim says it’s also important to make eye contact with your dates, and they should make eye contact with you. If the one-way conversation continues, consider rolling your eyebrows, yawning, or rubbing your nose.
If the question and the gestures go right over their head, that person isn’t the right potential mate for you. He might be a narcissist, unable to adapt.
A final somewhat unrelated thought. What did Susan’s Tesla-owner date mean when he commented about her two exhaust pipes? That guy sounds pretty strange to me.

So, Champs, let’s hear your opinions about Susan’s issue.
And one new item. Since Champs have been asking me about therapists lately, I’ve decided to implement a new eNewsletter feature. It will start in next week’s newsletter and appear every other week, at least for now. It will be called Ask The Therapist.

The way it will work: Champs will email me with Ask The Therapist words in the subject line. Then they will write out their question within the body of the email. Limit 50 words. I will share the question with Champ Debbie, a therapist, and my significant other, and she will write her reply in an upcoming eNewsletter. We will give it a try and see how it goes. Only first names will be used. Your city is optional. This feature will appear at the end of the eNewsletter.

Valentines 2025

Heaven’s Ladder

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 31, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Heaven’s Ladder

I’ve been receiving far too many emails and messages lately from Champs whose spouses or significant others have passed away. Many have been from men, who have lost their significant others. I thought men usually passed away first.

In October 2024, Champ Joel’s wife Wendy of 12 years passed away. There have been many other similar situations.

A few of the men who have written me are my junior high school and high school classmates. That doesn’t surprise me. Why? Because the men in my class are in their mid-80s; we graduated from Jackson High School in Jackson, Michigan, in 1957.

I don’t intend to dwell on this depressing subject, but I’d like to share a poem from Ed Hatch, a JHS classmate, that he emailed me last week. Ed’s wife of 57 years, Elke, passed away on November 24, 2024, at age 77.

Background information on them will help you understand why I am including the poem today. Ed attended Haverford College as an undergraduate—and studied English and German. After graduating in 1961, he taught American Studies in Mainz, Germany.

Elke was born in Germany. At age 16, she spent a year as an exchange student at The University of Michigan. In 1966, she began her studies in Mainz. One day she walked into Ed’s classroom, and he noticed her and felt she was attractive.

Despite the eight-year age difference and nationality difference, they met and started a romance. They married a year later on December 30, 1967, in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where UM is located. At that time, Ed was enrolled in German studies there.

Ed became a teacher of German at the University of Dayton in Ohio. Elke earned a PhD in German Literature and worked as a translator and taught German at the University of Dayton for 30 years. German was their household language. She and Ed have three children and four grandchildren.

After Elke passed away, her sister sent Ed a poem she had received in the mail. It was written in German. Ed made a “rough and hurried” translation of the poem into English and sent me a copy.

As I read it, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I decided to share it with you Champs today. It is so beautiful and relatable to anyone who has had a loved one or a friend or animal pass away.

And as we Champs age, we encounter losses more and more. This poem will warm your heart. Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem “Heaven’s Ladder”

Hello, dear friend below, sometimes I see you crying, see your sadness and tears, and that’s why I want to say: My earthly clothing I’ve left behind because I don’t need it here at home, where I am very near to you, and always in your heart. I truly count each heartbeat. Believe me, when I say, only those whom we do not miss have in fact truly died. And since I am not in your life, I am a part of your soul, I am a part of who you are, and I shall never leave you alone.

Understand, I am in fact at home. I did not leave; I only went ahead. I went there where it all began, where in the future…we shall meet. So, because it is good, love life as I also loved life. And as you go, keep smiling. Simply smile for me as you go. Nothing and no one can separate usnot even what we call death.

Death cannot destroy love, and because you love me, it will remain. When the wind caresses your hair, simply know that it was I. I sit on the ladder to heaven. And love you from here above.

Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem Heaven’s Ladder has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem has helped me.
And Ed is now a Champ, a member of our eNewsletter group.

21 Responses to “False Hope” article from 2 weeks ago

By Columnist Tom Blake

January 28, 2025

21 Edited responses to last week’s False Hope eNewsletter

Last week’s eNewsletter struck a chord with many Champs. A widow named Ann had fallen in love with a man whose wife has Alzheimer’s. Here are 21 (edited by me) responses.

Liz, Illinois. “You provide an incredible service to us as senior citizens. I just turned 84 and have been receiving information from you for close to 3 decades.”

Jim, “A friend of mine has a wife he takes care of and has started to spend time with another woman, but it’s very casual and for companionship only. He doesn’t talk much about it. I think he feels guilty somewhat and awkward to talk about this other lady.

Linda, “I think Ann shouldn’t see Ben until his wife passes. Getting involved now just makes a hard situation even tougher. His wife needs her husband to take care of her. I realize once you opened that door, it’s hard to keep the emotions contained but wouldn’t continuing be cheating? Not the right way to start a romance.”

Belinda, “Ann should send a last email to give herself some closure here so she can move forward with someone new. She should tell Ben that she’s attracted to him and that she’s interested in a potential relationship with him, but not until his wife has passed.

“Ann should tell Ben she wishes him well as he navigates this tough part of her life, but she will continue to live her best life for now and that if he is interested and able to be fully available, he should get in touch with her at that time.”

Eleute, “Ann should not contact him. He sounds like an impulsive person, and he may well contact her anyway. Hopefully he won’t, as his responsibility is to his wife.”

Jackie, “I read with heartbreak your letter from Ann and her situation. A woman friend I know got Alzheimer’s, and her husband kept her home as long as he could. Then, for her safety, he put her in a home. He went there every day to feed her breakfast lunch and dinner and spend time with her.

“He was so lonely he started a friendship with a nurse’s aide. His daughters are convinced the aide is a gold digger, taking full advantage of the father.

“He was a wealthy man and the rest of the family were upset because they felt while their mom was alive, he should not have this companionship, which developed into more when the aide moved into the father’s home.

“Two daughters turned against him. They said how can you explain that a good Christian man is cheating on his wife to the grandchildren.

The daughters felt the woman took full advantage of the situation and tried to replace the mother before it was time, and the father was so devastated that he was losing his wife and his family as long as “that woman” was living there.

He turned to this woman for companionship and for love because he hadn’t felt loved in a very long time as a partner.

“The father knew his children were right– it was a very bad example moving the aide into the home while grandma was still alive. And his loneliness and desperation for connecting with another human being put him into a headspace where he felt his life was of no use to anyone and he committed suicide.

“I recently lost my husband, so I understand the loneliness that goes with it. I feel the same loneliness and it’s hard at night when you’re used to talking and watching TV together and doing even simple things and now it’s just me and the pets.

“I pray that Ann will put the ball in his court and leave it there.

“I think Ann made a mistake, inviting him to her home. Meeting in a public place for coffee or wine and then leaving it there would have been best. Bringing it home, allowing him to kiss her sends a definite message to Ben and any man that she’s open for more of a relationship than he might be ready to give in those situations.

“Ann needs to talk to a therapist to help her fill the void in a healthy way of her loneliness.”

Stephanie, “Ben, by asking Ann to come over when he was nude in the hot tub and his wife in the house was way out of bounds and weird. Ann should see a therapist about her sadness, and it’s just my take on it, he is not ‘the one’ for her.

Virginia, “When the (now archaic) marriage vows ‘until death do us part” were formed many years ago, we didn’t have unforgiving relentless diseases such as devastating Alzheimer’s or other life-threatening diseases and people died at earlier ages.

“Now, with scientific advances in health care, life can be prolonged even with diseases, creating this modern ‘dilemma.’ Perhaps the marriage vows should be changed to read ‘until physical /mental health do us part,’ with an added commitment to assure the affected spouse that has an incurable physical /mental disease will be taken care of.

“In that way the (usually older) remaining spouse would be free to enjoy any ‘Golden Years’ left, with or without another life companion. Life is short, and we are dead for a long time!

“It doesn’t seem ethically or morally right that the remaining surviving healthy spouse would be lawfully required to sacrifice his/her own remaining years of life because modern advances have overtaken archaic laws. The stark reality of the mental and physical issues along life’s journey can be cruel.

“Previous lifestyles and genetic health issues in either partner that result in incurable mental or physical illness cannot always be predicted, and it doesn’t seem fair for both spouses to suffer.”

Jonie, “Ann has an interesting situation. The minute Ben invited her over to his house, where his sick wife lives, while he was in the hot tub and told her he was naked she should have ended her attraction to him. Something big time wrong here. She is better off not pursuing this guy. She might be a bit desperate, but she needs to get over that.”

S, “Seriously Ann? You’re a grown woman. He’s not ready after you turned him down on skinny dipping. Had you shown up he would not only be ready, but chomping at the bit. Move on.”

Larry, “It is amazing how so many people fret over establishing relationships. He invited her to join him in his hot tub.She invited him over to her house to drink wine. Alzheimer’s or not, he is a married man.Shame on both!”

Gail, “Ann is full of contradictions and putting way too much emphasis on finding a man to make her happy.

“Finding good things to do for your community is so important and will fill some of her needs. She needs to back off and not meet him until his wife is gone. She can support him verbally, but not through get-togethers.”

Jeanne, “Definitely a therapist! Ann needs some help with this. She’s lonely and this situation is complicated!”

Francine, “Loneliness takes on many forms. He is lonely as he lost his wife’s affection and attention a long time ago. Ann is lonely and he gave her some hope. I’d say she does not need therapy but rather join some clubs that interest her. I’d also suggest a ‘do-over. What is that? It is the new year. Maybe lose a few pounds, go to the gym, get a new hair style or color, facials. Improve the outside while working on some hobbies and soul searching.”

Kaitte “Isn’t that a catch 22. In Love? In less than 2 weeks? It’s possible–definitely chemistry there–I’d be cautious giving my heart. He’s obviously thought this through. He chose to keep his wife home, with a lot of responsibility. Relationships of any kind are work. You must be available and he’s saying he’s not–even though he wants to be. The only thing I’d do maybe be a support system, or not if that’s too much. Or put communication on hold until the situation changes. I’d get on with my life in the meantime.”

Sher, “Ann should not see or contact him again. She should make efforts to get out of the house and meet people socially. Don’t try to make it happen, it will happen organically. Take a break to grieve a bit, then open your front door and walk out into the world. Take walks, chat people up in markets, hit the nearest driving range, tons of men there, sign up for lessons, or buy a basket of balls, and ask for help with your swing.”

Patty, “Watching your loved one fade away makes loneliness have a new meaning to us all.

“You’re losing your best friend, your lifelong hero, and best friend-confidant too. You get a little crazy with the changes of abandonment, even though it wasn’t intentional. Tell her to stay far away from him, even further than she thinks.

“He has a lot of mourning to do thru this process…and no offense Ann, but you are a band aid. Don’t put him OR you through this.

He needs time with his struggles.”

Carolyn, “Ann must stop contacting Ben! Yikes! Ben is simply playing with her heart. Ann is lonely. I feel bad for her as she is the one being hurt. He wanted Ann to come over and jump into the hot tub with him while he was naked? That did not sound right at all! After Ann declined his tawdry offer, he stopped contacting her. He is leading Ann on and that is so wrong and sad!”

Sandra, “I am not a singles expert (especially at my senior age). She should respond only to his last text with understanding comments. If she was the last one to text him, she shouldn’t try again.”

Deanne, “Shame on Ann. She sounds like a ten-year-old. She can’t be in love, just lonely. She needs to talk with a professional. This man is married, and his wife is slowly dying. Ann needs to realize what it would be like if she was this poor woman. Going after a disabled and dying woman’s husband is disgusting.

“I’m a ten-year widow. I watched my husband die. I took care of him and never thought of another man. I think they both sound a little off.”

Brenda, “Ben is not ready. His emotions are probably all over the place right now. I believe the best thing for Ann to do is be friendly if she sees Ben out and about but not contact him. If anything, just text or email and wish him well and tell him that she understands. I feel for her.”

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. It’s a difficult situation with so many emotions in play.

False Hope

Responses to 85 birthday party On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

November 22, 2024

(Photo by Michelle Rivera, aka Lady Hummingbird)

Part One – Champs Reply to Tom Blake 85^th birthday party surprise

There were several responses to last week’s eNewsletter about my 85^th birthday party. Here are just a few of them:

Florence, “Where has the time gone? I signed up for your eNewsletter 20+ years ago after the death of my husband a few years earlier. May the next 365 days be special for you.”

Marcia, “Your newsletter was filled with memories that allow your Champs to get a sense of your incredible life.

“You have taken your life experiences and turned them into something positive that will further enhance your life, and the lives of all the people you come in contact with. That is a gift.”

Tom’s comment: Those are extra special words coming from a friend I’ve known 59 years, going back to both of us growing up in Jackson, Michigan.

Ted, “Who says 85 is old? It wasn’t me, Tom. Welcome to the 86^th year that we share (although I had a head start). You are a special guy to a lot of folks out there…and to at least one guy in Grosse Pointe Park, MI. I wish I’d been a fly on that wall on the 11^th.”

Tom’s comment: Ted is a classmate from Jackson, Michigan, 60 years ago

Gloria, “A beautiful story about your celebration and special friends who came to honor you. It brought tears to my eyes reading about your celebration and memories of old friends. Many happy returns to a young 85.”

Neighbor Colleen Torres (who attended with Kresta Racker), “Love this article! It was a special day, indeed!”

Joel, a recent widower, “One of your best. I feel OK and am keeping busy with friends and constructive activities. You’re a good model for a life well lived”.

Sandy, a Champ I’ve known for 50 years, who is pondering relocating from California to the Midwest, said, “All opinions from you are received with an open mind! I’m not jumping ship soon!

“I liked the cameo on 60 Minutes about Wisconsin’s Door County “The Cape Cod of the Midwest” so much because of the obvious congeniality between folks of both political persuasions. One man said ‘We have the Midwestern nice thing going!’ Lots of artists and Chicago retirees. And, although it is a beautiful vacation destination, seemingly, also very low ( by comparison to California ) rents.”

Bruce, Ohio, “Happy belated birthday and it is great you have so many friends at this point in your life.”

Ginny, PA, “I especially loved this week’s newsletter. So many emotions were expressed.

“Thank you for giving us a brief history lesson about Veterans Day and your service to our country.

“I am proud of my Harry’s 39 years in the Air Force. On Veterans Day he leads several ceremonies: one at our Senior Center and another as a retired military member of his high school Vets committee.

“Pleased to hear you and Debbie could celebrate your special day with friends. Happy 85th. I am right behind you.”

Part 2 – A Champ’s poignant and timely comment

With all the threats and chatter going on in this world about WW III, Wil’s comment stopped me in my tracks:

Wil, Hawaii (a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain co-worker of mine in Oakland, CA, and Denver in the early 70s), wrote succinctly, “My wife Pua and I are on vacation at ground zero in Nagasaki, depressing place. All world leaders should come here.”

Senior Single Women Be Assertive

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

November 8, 2024 Columnist Tom Blake

Most Champs in their 60s and 70s know that the ratio of single women to single men in their age range is roughly 4-to-1 or more. We learned in this eNewsletter recently that the ratio at Laguna Woods Village in South Orange County, California, a 55-plus community, is between 7 and 8 to one.

Women have told me, “And some of those single men aren’t dating material, thereby increasing the ratio. Bottom line, meeting a compatible guy to date is a daunting challenge.”

I hear that all the time. Because of these bleak numbers, I’ve often told single senior women, “When you see a man within an acceptable age range, who isn’t wearing a wedding ring, and who appeals to you, don’t be shy. Be assertive—not aggressive—and start a conversation with him.

Champ M, a single Dana Point, CA woman, in her early 60s, shared her story of assertiveness to meet a handsome man. She just made one key mistake.

She emailed: “This happened last week. I’m a caregiver. I applied for a new job at a caregiving company and one of the requirements was to get a TB blood test as a part of the employment application process. I went to a medical lab and as I walked in, I noticed a handsome man sitting in the waiting room looking at his phone. He didn’t appear to see me.

“I signed in and spoke to the lady at the counter, knowing that this handsome man was behind me staring at his phone. They called him into the blood drawing station and as he went by me, I noticed he was a bit older than me and not wearing a wedding ring.

“While sitting in the waiting room, I couldn’t help but think about him. I remembered the advice that Tom Blake had shared with readers in previous newspaper articles and eNewsletters regarding single women being assertive when seeing a potential man partner. Tom had encouraged women to take the initiative and say hello to men they are attracted to, who appear to be single (no wedding ring, for example).

“I shrugged my shoulders and sat down by the exit door, never thinking that the man would walk by me again. While I waited to be summoned, he emerged from the drawing station and walked toward me heading for the exit. Our eyes met this time, and I felt a mutual attraction, and I thought ‘OK, be brave M, hurry up and say something.’

“I said to him, ‘That was quick. Did it hurt?’

“With kind eyes and a bright smile, he said, ‘Not at all!’”

“I said, ‘I am scared and terrified of needles (which I am). I hate getting shots.’ And then, I felt an overwhelming boldness and childlike flirting with what I said next, ‘Would you hold my hand?’

“He said, ‘Sure I will.’

“I was floored and taken aback. I lost my nerve at that moment. Thoughts kept popping into my head that he might be married. Some men don’t wear a wedding ring. I wish when he said ‘Sure, I will’ that I had been clever and quick and savvy enough to ask, ‘Are you married?’

“Instead, I clammed up and said, ‘Oh wow that’s so nice of you.’ And then I foolishly said, ‘They’ll probably take care of me in there. I’m sorry, thank you, anyway.’

“He said, ‘OK sure,’ and walked out.

“I sat there for 20 seconds, stunned by what I had failed to do, and thought, oh my goodness, I choked. I should have given him my hand, or, at least given him my caregiver business card with my phone number on it. I didn’t. I totally blew it. I missed an incredible opportunity to be with a nice man.

“I probably will never see him again, but it made me realize that being assertive in a classy way works. There’s not a happy-ever-after ending to this story—at least not yet– but I’m getting bolder as a single senior woman!”

Champ M continued, “I opened the door to see if he was in the hallway still waiting for the elevator. He was gone so I didn’t get a chance to give him my card or at least ask him if he was married so there went that opportunity. However, I’m glad that I’m getting bolder. My advice to senior single women. Don’t miss an opportunity to meet a man like I did.”

Tom’s comment to M. “Who knows? He might have been married. But, unfortunately, you choked. Move on, having learned a senior love lesson: Senior single women be assertive. Hopefully, our Champs (women and men) will think of your experience when an opportunity arises for them, ensuring they engage the potential mate in conversation. Be assertive, not aggressive.

Are you married?

A Senior Night at the ER

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 25, 2024
A Night at The ER
By Columnist Tom Blake (with assistance)

Note from Tom. I had help from Debbie, my partner of 18 months, writing this eNewsletter. Soon, you will understand why.

Last Friday night Debbie and I were heading out for dinner at 5:30 p.m. My car was parked at the curb outside my home. I walked four feet in front of her to open the passenger-side door. Much to my horror, she tripped on a patch of uneven Korean grass and fell face-first hard on the concrete sidewalk.

Her water bottle and purse went flying. The right side of her body, particularly her right breast and face, took the hit. She didn’t scream but she let out a loud sound of agony. The dogs belonging to our neighbors across the street could not see us, but upon hearing Debbie’s moans, started emitting a mournful noise. They could sense that something was terribly wrong.

With all the medical issues that Debbie has endured in the last five months–painful breast cancer removal and reconstructive surgery, radiation, loss of estrogen, hot flashes, endless doctor visits, and physical therapy–to see her writhing in pain curled up on the sidewalk, I felt so bad I nearly went into shock.

When you love someone, and see them so compromised, it takes a toll on your entire psyche. It took over three minutes to get her gingerly onto her feet.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” she proclaimed. With a reddish-blue bump forming over her right eye, I didn’t think she was okay. There was no blood, however, which was a positive sign. Debbie asked me to get her an ice bag to put above her eye. Fortunately, she didn’t break her hip.

Debbie is a tough cookie. While holding the ice bag above her eye, she said, “Let’s head for dinner.” I said, “I don’t think so. Are you sure?” She insisted. We got carefully into the car and I started to drive. My mind was racing. Should we even go to a restaurant? Or should we change to a drive-through eatery? Debbie solved my dilemma by saying, “Do you think the Urgent Care around the corner is still open?”

Debbie always puts a positive spin on life. She kids a lot. Next, she added, “I hear they have great dinner specials at Urgent Care. And it’s early, so it’s probably not too busy yet.” (She was kidding of course).

She asked if I had called ahead for a reservation (still kidding). At this point, the small “egg” had grown over her eye. I headed for Urgent Care, two blocks away. Fortunately, they were still open, but unfortunately, in the case of a head injury, or possible traumatic brain injury, they send you to a hospital ER, where there is more sophisticated equipment. We looked at each other and agreed. “We are going to the ER at Mission Hospital.”

(Debbie’s reason for us going to the ER was that about two years ago, she fell off an 8’ ladder onto the concrete floor in her garage, and because she didn’t hit her head, only her back, and she had little pain, she thought, ‘good no concussion’, and decided not to go to the ER that time. However, she recently discovered that in that fall she had a fracture in her L4 area, and she didn’t want to risk any future back medical issues).

The ER

We arrived at Mission Hospital ER at about 6 p.m. There were seven ambulances parked nearby with their rear emergency doors open. When we entered the waiting room area, the room was 3/4 full of people of all ages, both patients and people who had accompanied the patients. Several health technicians and security personnel were scurrying around trying to be as helpful and efficient as possible.

Upon checking Debbie in, the staff made Debbie a top priority due to the potential brain injury caused by her fall. I heard an announcement that went throughout the ER saying ‘Code X, brain trauma patient checking in.’ We were told we’d be at the ER for at least two hours. During our time in the waiting room, Debbie was summoned several times as staff members came and escorted her to labs, an EKG, X-rays, and CAT scans. The ER was a busy place on that Friday night. Six people were checking new patients in.

Debbie is a Psychotherapist. She analyzes and assists people for a living. Together, we watched the new people arriving. To help pass the time while waiting and take the edge off her situation, we exchanged thoughts on what the other patients were dealing with.

This, of course, involved much eavesdropping, observing, and filling in the blank’s guesswork. We first focused on a young woman and her male companion who arrived shortly after us. There were no obvious medical issues that we could see about her, but she was crying. We didn’t know what was going on with her until four hours later, she was united with a baby boy, perhaps her son or nephew.

Most new arrivals were escorted by one or two family members or friends. A few people were alone. One was a man, 50ish, 6’2’, seated by himself. He was wearing high-top tennis shoes with untied shoelaces. Debbie told me that not tying one’s shoelaces is one of the latest fads among hip people these days. (I’m so out of touch in my older years).

Another young man wearing a football uniform had a makeshift cast on his arm. He had likely been injured in a Friday Night Lights football game. He was whisked through the waiting room to somewhere deeper in the hospital. We saw at least 25 new patients check in.

At 10:15 p.m., Debbie was relocated to the main emergency room area where a doctor would review all her results from the tests she had endured. I was allowed to be with her. That is also the area where patients on gurneys are wheeled in. Twice, people were wheeled into the hallway strapped on gurneys being escorted by armed Orange County Sheriff officers with guns at their sides. Heaven only knows what had transpired with those two dudes.

All of Debbie’s tests came back ok. Most importantly, the CAT scan showed no brain bleeding. The doctor said it would feel like a truck hit her, especially her sore breast that she had landed on, and that she should take it easy for a week but would feel discomfort for as long as a month. Debbie was released from the hospital at 11:30 p.m. We made it home by midnight. Our dinner date lasted six hours, but we didn’t eat a meal. I had a protein bar from the hospital cafeteria.

How is she feeling now, seven days later? She said, “I have a concussion. My head is still in a fog, and my right breast still hurts and it’s painful when I take a deep breath.”

Lessons Learned From Debbie

Debbie said, “Seniors must always be mindful of their surroundings, such as curbs, stairs, and uneven surfaces.

“Plus, seniors must ensure they seek medical help when they’ve had a mishap, even when they feel they are ok.”

Senior Sex and Physical Attraction

Where is senior sex ranked on your list?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 18, 2024
Is Senior Sex On Your List?
By Columnist Tom Blake

Where does Senior Sex rank on your list?

There were many responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter regarding the senior romance and marriage of Ray and Libby Freer, who found each other 73 years after knowing each other as kids. All responses were positive, with glowing comments about how much Champs appreciated the story.

For example, Carolyn emailed, “We all absolutely loved reading this amazing senior love story. They are an incredibly beautiful couple.”

Surprisingly, the story also inspired some senior relationship questions. Two questions stood out. One was about senior sex/physical attraction. The other was about 12 characteristics to ponder when seeking a senior mate.

Senior Sex

Ray’s comments, before he met Libby, triggered the sex/physicality topic. He diplomatically stated, “It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother.”

“It is just my impression, but the relationship becomes more emotional when a couple starts sleeping together. At some level, that implies more commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.

“The other side of that is I am picky, so that is also frustrating. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’

Christine Baumgartner (Christine@theperfectcatch.com), one of our Champs and a Dating and Relationship coach said, “As Ray mentioned, sex is a ‘hot topic’ at this stage in our lives. I repeat my previous offer to discuss sex with any of our Champs should they have questions about it, they can email me.” Wow, that in itself is a ‘hot offer.’

One Champ, name withheld by request, a divorced mother of three, took a firm stance about senior sex, “I won’t have sex with a man until we are married.”
I suggested to her that most men I know—in fact, all men I know–wouldn’t be willing to wait that long. Hence, she’s likely missing out on some good men who would be terrific mates.

And what happens if a couple waits on intimacy, postponing the joys sex can bring, and then marries, only to discover they are sexually incompatible? Do they undo the wedding? Or, do they simply live unhappily in frustration?

One guy Champ raised senior first-date questions. He said, “What’s the senior first-date etiquette? Let’s say you’ve enjoyed being with each other and both the man and the woman feel instant chemistry. Is a kiss on the lips acceptable? Or would the woman feel that was rushing the relationship?

A cheek peck is better than a handshake, but that’s lame. A good hug sends a warm signal. What’s okay on the first date?” He also added, “How long should a couple wait to be intimate? I’ve heard that some couples make love the first time they are together. That seems risky.” And one more question. “If the first-date attraction is not there, can it grow as two people get to know each other better?”

Champ Julie, twice married, now divorced commented on the above question, “I believe attraction can grow. I can be attracted to a wide variety of looks and feelings in a person. Personality affects it. A man making me laugh changes the game completely.

“Meeting someone for the first time can be about the place I am in my head. In the early years after my divorce, I may have been craving a crush-like fantasy but wasn’t open or available to my dates.”

Julie added that she hasn’t been out on a date lately, but she does feel attraction can grow. She’s waiting for attraction to grow, now all she needs is to meet a guy she likes with whom to grow it.

Champ Greg emailed about a first date he had with a woman. He said that each having had a glass of wine relaxed them both and the date ended with an on-the-lips kiss. Their senior first-date attraction grew and grew. I plan to share their exciting senior love story soon.

A few Champs asked for a copy of the List of 12 Characteristics sought in a mate that Ray referred to last week. I retrieved the list from the archives and included it below. It’s only a suggested list; your list might be different and have a different order of importance.

Tom’s Suggested List of 12 Characteristics Women Might Seek in a Mate (and vice versa for men)
1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And he is to me
3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week
8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values
9. He must be kind and considerate of others
10. We must agree on politics
11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots nor closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs
12. He must be emotionally prepared to have a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to.

If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person likely isn’t for me.

In Memoriam

On September 27, I wrote about couples who are aging well. Included in that article was our Champ Joel who was quoted about how blessed he is to have met Wendy in 2012 and married her in 2018.

Tragically, on October 6, Wendy passed away after being hospitalized for two weeks with an unexpected recurrence of a previous illness.
Joel, of course, is devastated. We Champs send our prayers to Joel–and Wendy. Many of us have been down a similar path and understand the huge window in Joel’s heart. God Bless you, Joel.

A Senior Love Story

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – October 11, 2024
A Senior Love Story
By Columnist Tom Blake

In August 2021, Ray Freer, 80, a widower, moved from Park City, Utah, where he had lived for 30 years, to Laguna Woods Village, a 55-plus private community of approximately 18,000 residents in Orange County, California.

He moved to Laguna Woods because he loves to play tennis. I was introduced to Ray by my friend and fraternity brother, Tom Brunkow. Tom and I met 67 years ago in 1957, as freshmen in the Beta Theta Pi fraternity at DePauw University, in Greencastle, Indiana.

Tom Brunkow is in the DePauw Athletic Hall of Fame for his tennis accomplishments. Ray has won multiple tennis tournaments and through tennis is how they met.

Ray signed up for my eNewsletter on December 21, 2021. Emails Ray sent me over three years are included below.

Ray’s December 21, 2021, email Ray wrote, “Went to a dance. I found it very awkward. On either side of me were a married woman and that sort of protected me. They were not on the market. Across the table were six unattached women. That intimidated me.

“I play racket sports (Tennis, Paddle and Pickleball). There are lots of attractive women doing that, which makes it easier for me to talk to them one-on-one.  “In Laguna Woods almost everyone is friendly. I haven’t connected with a woman yet. I am sure my time will come. If lightning strikes, I will pursue it wholeheartedly. “Octogenarian (80) Ray of Hope.”

Ray’s April 11, 2022, email Ray emailed “Life here in Laguna Woods is good and getting better. There are quite a few LATs (living apart together couples) here.

“It’s lonely. I haven’t found anyone, but all is OK. The good thing about the activities is they allow a person to meet others with similar interests before getting deeply involved. The activities provide time and opportunities to meet without commitment.

“The demographics here in Laguna Woods suggest seven or eight women for each man. Here’s how I estimated the ratio (the numbers are approximations): The population of Laguna Woods is 18,000. Six thousand are men and 12,000 are women. Assuming 5,000 of those men are married, that takes away 5,000 from the 12,000 women. So, 7,000 available women are left with 1,000 available men.

“Many people have significant others here. Some women, consistent with a lack of interest, just are not available. But that still suggests there are lots of ladies out there.

“It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother. Many simply avoid the dating scene entirely.”

Ray’s October 14, 2022, email “It is just my impression, but when a couple starts sleeping together the relationship becomes more emotional. At some level that implies more of a commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.

“The other side of that is I am picky so that is frustrating as well. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’

“I have some lady friends that appeal at one level or another, but it just hasn’t reached the ‘Let’s get physical’ stage a la the Olivia Newton-John record. I suspect it will come but who knows when? It’s a conundrum.

“The final issue is, while someone might appeal to me, it does not necessarily follow that I would appeal to her. It wouldn’t be her fault if I didn’t float her boat.

Ray’s February 10, 2023, email “I read your list of 12 characteristics in your eNewsletter. I never made a list of characteristics wanted in a mate, but it makes sense. Also, in concert with your eNewsletter, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary. On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”

“Regarding your question about my involvement with a person here. I am involved with a gal named Libby. Her father taught me how to play tennis She checks off a lot of the boxes on the list. I keep thinking it might come to pass, but so far, no real heat. She has lived in Laguna Woods for more than 10 years.

May 2024 In May 2024, My woman friend Debbie and I were invited to dinner at Ray’s home with the Brunkows in attendance. Ray and Libby had become a committed couple.
Senior marriage at 83

Ray’s September 27, 2024 email “Libby and I married on June 29, 2024. We had lived together for a year and a half. She sold her condo and moved in with me. We have known each other for 74 years. When we were kids, she was a year and a half older than me. When I was in 5th grade she was in 7th, an unbridgeable age gap at the time.

“Now at the advanced ages of me (83) and Libby (84), the age gap isn’t an issue. I refer to her as a cougar robbing the cradle.

“I play tennis frequently. Libby walks daily and I join her three days a week. Both of us go to the gym regularly. We are healthy and that is why we married. We simply want to live those twilight years as positively as possible.

“Your list of twelve questions to discuss to determine compatibility was very helpful. We are so boring. We were similar in answering every question. We appreciate each other and are fortunate to enjoy many of the same things. Your eNewsletter helps many seniors.”

Tom’s comment: Wow, Ray and Libby’s story shows why single seniors should never give up hope. The coincidence of marrying someone he knew for 73 years is mind-boggling. And exciting.

Ray and Libby Freer wedding June 29, 2024

photo courtesy of Ray and Libby Freer