Columnist Tom Blake – On Life and Love after 50

Two Tuesdays in July 2025

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

by Tom Blake Columnist

Last week’s eNewsletter was titled The Sound of Silence. It was based on a Paul Simon concert that my significant other Debbie and I attended in Long Beach, California on Tuesday, July 8.

Here are a few responses from Champs to that eNewsletter.

Kathy, “OM Gosh great newsletter! Saw Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel twice – last time was some months after 9/11/01 at Madison Square Garden and the other time was way back in the 60’s before they became who they became. I’ve been an ardent admirer of Simon forever and think of him as a genius.

I’ve seen the movie The Graduate several hundreds of times Scarborough Fair is one of my favorite songs as is April Come She Will but there is a Simon and Garfunkel song that I think is hauntingly beautiful and ranks as one of this gal’s favorites; For Emily whenever I might find her.

I love that Paul also wrote a song with my name in it, Kathy’s Song. Good memories, great music.

Carmen, My high school classmate, “My favorite line from the song is “The words of the prophets were written on the subway walls and tenement halls …

“I also liked Kodachrome.

“I dated a woman when I worked in Mexico City who dated Paul once.”

SW, a woman co-worker at the Victoria Station restaurant chain. “Beautiful column, Tom!!

“I went through a phase of listening to one of the Simon and Garfunkel CDs in my car this year – absolutely love them – and The Graduate!

Margo, “In college, I took a film class. I made a movie using the music and lyrics to “The Sound of Silence.” I think it was pretty good. I’m disappointed I never went back and retrieved the films I created. It remains one of my favorites.”

Gloria, “Another newsletter near and dear to my heart. The Sound of Silence.

“I have always loved the song and most of the other songs you mentioned; The Boxer, Slip Sliding Away and Homeward Bound.

“I saw The Graduate a few times. One of my other favorite songs is Mrs. Robinson. When my grandchildren were smaller, I would take them out for pizza and played that song in the car as we all sang along. To this day, if any of them hear it, they text or call me and tell me all about it.

“Such insight from Simon to have written those words so long ago.”

Francine “Simon and Garfunkel both grew up in Forest Hills, Queens (NYC) where I lived from 1965-1968. Forest Hills is home to the Tennis Stadium which used to have a lot of concerts. I lived right down the street and heard the concerts for free, including Simon and Garfunkel. The Graduate was an amazing movie.

Ted, a high school classmate, married 60 + years: “The Sound of Silence is my favorite Simon & Garfunkel song. Closing the show with it was perfect! Yes, Debbie won the one-dollar bet. Where have the year’s gone?”

Beckie “I’m probably not the 1st one to tell you the song was on a 33rpm record, not a 78rpm as you mentioned. “The Graduate. Fine movie, wonderful songs.”

Julie, “All your columns are wonderful, but this one is my new favorite. You have a way of tying things together and putting the reader right inside these events! Who doesn’t love The Graduate and Simon and Garfunkel?

“This is how I live my life too! Acting on opportunities that seem to drop in my lap. I guess you and I both connect with people. Our open minds and hearts keep the fun coming from many unexpected places (e.g., The Racker neighbors)

“May you continue to experience these fruits of your relationship-building, and a life well lived! Including the physical stamina to climb into a concert venue. I’m cheering for you!”

Carolyn, “Wow! Loved reading this beautiful eNewsletter! Jake and Kresta Racker are amazing friends to have!

“As of this April, Simon and Garfunkel were speaking again and talking about a possible concert featuring both. I always keep hope alive for this make-up, break-up duo. I love them and value their delicious music. Always so heartfelt and true.

“Super happy that Simon came out at the end to sing that beautiful Sound Of Silence. (Debbie won the $1 bet fair and square!) Fingers crossed that I shall see them sing together one last time. The Graduate has always been a fan favorite”! Phenomenal acting!”

Tom’s speech on Tuesday, July 15

Approximately 50 people attended my speech at the Susi Q Senior Center in Laguna Beach. I was pleased that the events coordinator Christine Brewer had all the equipment working perfectly. My buddy Jim Fallon advanced the Power Point slides with a remote gadget when I gave him the nod. Overall, I thought it went well.

Champ Wayne mentioned to me that the ratio of single women to single men attending to be about 5 to one.

For me, the heroes among the attendees were Ray and Libby Freer, a couple in their mid-80s who married in June 2024. In the slides, I had included as the final slide a photo of them walking down the aisle after their marriage as a sign of hope that romance can happen after age 80. There had been a gap of 70 years since they had seen each other. I didn’t know they were coming to the speech. Both shared their story and advice with the audience during the Q & A at the end.

In particular, Ray stressed that a characterists-wanted in a mate list I had included in the February 10, 2023, eNewsletter helped him and Libby decide they were well suited for each other to marry. I checked the archives and found that list and am including it here.

Tom’s Suggested List Of Characters Wanted in a Mate

1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect

2. I am physically attracted to him. And he to me

3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable

4. He must not smoke or take drugs

5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses

6. He takes care of his health

7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week

8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values

9. He must be kind and considerate to others

10. We must agree on politics

11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots or closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs

12. He must be open to having a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to. If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person is likely not for you.

End list

Yes, it was a busy two Tuesdays in July.

2 Senior Women With Different Retirement Outlooks

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

NL May 23, 2025

Two women with decidedly different outlooks on senior life

Helen

Helen emailed, “Single woman fear of dating. I need some assistance; okay, I need help. I am 71, and the monster under my bed is dating. I live in fear of dating. My last real date was in 1981. I’ve been a widow for 10 years. I tried a couple of coffee/lunch dates and had no success. I was knocked off the horse, and I just can’t seem to get back in the saddle. I’m not that young, cute girl. I lost my confidence, and I am afraid to try again. Yes, I’m chicken.

“I want a second chance, but I have convinced myself it will be a disaster. I am not the perfect older woman these men seem to be searching for. At the grocery store, I would be on the dented can aisle.

“I am all too knowledgeable about my issues. I lean on those instead of my good qualities. I think the pain of widowhood has taken away my confidence and left me feeling like failure is my only route.

“I have lots of good qualities. I’m clever, creative, intelligent, funny, and likable. I’m kind, caring, and loving. I put others first, I’m a good listener, and I know I’m still a keeper. But in the back of my head, I think of my flaws and my age. I consider myself a used car and not a classic. And I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

“I injured my ankle, so I can’t compete in pickleball. And I’m not a hardbody, but my sons say I’m still cute. I know I don’t look my age or act it either because I’m young at heart, and I’m reminded about this by strangers. I just need a kick in the butt. I need to polish up my courage and spirit.

“So, Tom, I need to pick your brain, hit up your knowledge and hope you have ideas for me.”

Tom’s comment: With all the good qualities you describe, I don’t understand your fear. You’re young, and it doesn’t matter that you can’t play pickleball. With my bony knees, I can’t either. I strongly suggest you contact a therapist to overcome your fears.

Maria

Some Champs have told me they are bored in retirement. They don’t know what to do. One Champ named Maria messaged me this week with how she is enjoying retirement and getting exercise at the same time.

I’ve known her for many years. She was my dental hygienist. Now, she has started a new business. The brochure below explains her new adventure.

Maria lives in Ironwood, near Ranco Cucamonga and Ontario, in Riverside County, California, just north of the 10 freeway. She is open to servicing customers within 25 miles of her home.

She is a reliable and wonderful woman. Trust her to take care of your dogs.

A Senior Man’s first-date jitters

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
May 9, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

A senior man’s first-date jitters

Bill, a widower in his mid-70s, emailed me for guidance regarding an upcoming first date with a woman he met on Match.com.

I thought it might be interesting, particularly to our women Champs, to know what a man thinks about before and after a first date with a woman.

Bill wrote, “I met an attractive woman on Match.com. She’s 10 years younger. She and I agreed to meet for coffee at a location about halfway between where we live, a two-mile drive for each of us. From her profile picture, she is pretty. I’m a little nervous. Her name is Jackie.

“We talked over the phone and knew at least we had a good conversation before we got together. That is a must for first-date people!”

“Can you give me any advice?”

I replied, “Is this your first date since your wife passed away?”

Bill answered, “No, I’ve had a few dates, but I’m not exactly Joe Stud, you know. But I’d like to impress her.”

I said, “Relax, I can tell you are nervous. But that’s ok, after all, this could become your future mate. Just slow down and calm down.”

“It goes without saying to wear a clean shirt. Smile when you greet her and shake her hand. No hug or kiss when you first approach each other. Men tend to talk too much when they are nervous. Be sure you ask questions about her. Encourage her to talk. Make direct eye contact with her. Smile. Use first-date etiquette; actually, any date etiquette.”

Bill said, “Thanks, that will help me break the ice. I will talk for no more than 40 percent of the time and ask her questions. Her profile says she still works full time. I will let you know how it goes.”

A few days later, after his first date, Bill sent me an update. “It went okay with Jackie. She is pretty. Will we see each other again? Probably. It could happen, but I’m unsure. Frankly, it wasn’t a great connection. She didn’t ask me many questions. I’m 6’ 1; she’s 5’6”—so that works for me. Not too tall and not too short.

“You kind of know if a woman is very interested, somewhat interested or not interested in you. She is somewhat only. But who knows for sure?

“She is divorced and didn’t talk about her ex at all. When I mentioned my wife, this woman sort of felt bad but had no questions about me. When I talked about my interests, the conversation didn’t go very far, but we stayed with her interests and travels.

“It possibly could go somewhere, but I didn’t think she appreciated the breakfast sandwich and beverage because I would have liked a nice thank you for my effort (liked she kind of expected me to pay and I guess that’s ok.)

“She steered away from future plans. I didn’t ask if she wanted to get together again or make any future plans.

“We didn’t get into politics and talked about schools, kids and travel. I probably could have gotten a little more personal and asked what she thought of me. But I don’t want any rejection. We talked for over an hour, so it was going ok, but probably not a strong connection.

“So where does this go? I’m not sure and I’m not clear about my feelings. I could reach out again, but I may leave the ball in her court for her to reach out to me if she is interested enough. So maybe I will ghost her or send her a text in a week to see how she is doing.

“I mentioned a few ideas about walking together on a hike near the beach or something and got no response on any idea she might have to do something. So, no, the date success wasn’t 100%, but more like 35%.

“At the end, I gave her a small hug, but she wasn’t responsive. So, it left me thinking, ‘Do I want to pursue her anymore?’ Maybe there would be too much work involved. She still works and seems busy. Perhaps some of my thoughts may help her. I want some kind of gratification or some kind of future interest to make me think that she and I want a relationship.

“Oh yes, I said at the very end, ‘Do you prefer a text or a call? She said ‘either.’ So, she could be still in it, but not who knows? Maybe it’s me because of my feelings. I don’t need to start chasing or try to create a fun experience. I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere.”

Tom’s Comment: So that’s how a nice gentleman feels. If there’s any message in Bill’s story for women, it’s that if you like a guy like Bill on a first date, be a little more assertive, showing affection like a kiss on the cheek and saying, “Let’s get together again.” And ask him more questions. However, what Jackie did may indicate that she doesn’t want to proceed seeing him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Senior dating sure has its challenges.

Is 83 too old to date?

Are children affecting your relationship?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 18, 2025

by Columnist Tom Blake

I had a wake-up call on Monday morning while preparing this week’s eNewsletter. My phone was about 15″ from me on my desktop. The loudest warning alert I’d ever heard from that phone jolted me shortly after 10 a.m. One second later, when the house began shaking, I realized a strong (5.2) earthquake was happening.

I hustled to the rear patio to get outside. I looked to my right. My neighbor Jake was outside holding his phone. I looked to my left. My neighbor Aaron was outside holding his phone. We agreed the quake was a doozie. Over 35 years, I’ve felt four earthquakes while inside my home. This was the scariest. Fortunately, there was no damage.

Like the Pony Express, the mail must go through. Despite unusual circumstances, the eNewsletter must be published. Have a safe week, Champs.

And now, this week’s topic:

Kids Interfering With Parents’ Relationships

A month ago, a woman, Champ, 76, living in the Midwest, wrote me about children interfering with her relationship with a man she’s dated for five years. Let’s call her Jolene. It’s not her children who are creating the problem; it’s her boyfriend’s kids and grandkids who are causing it. She wondered if I had ever written about these kids interfering with their parents’ relationships.

Jolene added, “This nonsupport situation by adult children affects other senior couples we know, in addition to us.”

I checked my Findingloveafter50.com website and was surprised to find that I have written on children negatively affecting senior relationships at least once each year in the 31 years I’ve been writing newspaper columns and eNewsletters.

To read previous eNewsletters, including how kids adversely affect their parents’ relationships, simply click on the website link above and search for the categories section. Once there, scroll down to the “Senior Dating With Children Involved” listing.

I never had children, so I’m not an expert on this subject. However, I was in a relationship for 25 years with Greta. She had four children, eight grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. I knew how important family was to her. She spent a lot of time with them, which was fine with me. I was often included. I was blessed; I had a wonderful relationship with each one of her family members.

However, somewhat related to this topic, after Greta passed away, I was immediately ghosted by the kids and grandkids. I never understood why, but I guessed it was because she included me in her estate.

The details of why and how kids affect their parents’ relationships vary greatly. It seems to me that often, the biggest reason is money. Kids, I’ve been told by Champs, are concerned that they are going to lose their inheritance to their parents’ mates or lovers. That was Jolene’s boyfriend’s kids’ concern.

Jolene added, “Shouldn’t the children be happy that their father has found love? And shouldn’t they leave our relationship to us to navigate? Rather than being thankful that their dad is happy and well cared for, all that matters to them is the money they imagine they might lose. Such a pity.

“The ironic part of this melodrama is that if they were smart, they would be kissing up to me to get part of my estate when I die! I am the one with the money.” I relate to that comment by Jolene.

Jolene continued, “Today, I spoke with an elderly woman who told me her son was not speaking to her because she had taken steps to leave her assets to her grandchildren and not her children, who were already quite well off. I comforted her by reminding her that the money was hers and she could do with it what she pleased. It was her decision not her son’s decision. She thanked me profusely.”

Jolene finished by asking: “How do Champs feel about children negatively affecting relationships? I’d like to hear their experiences.”

Tom’s comment: Hopefully, Champs will let us know. The details of every situation involving children affecting senior relationships are different. It could be money, jealousy, insecurity, favoring one child vs. the others, missing the deceased parent, or the child’s demand on the parent’s time — whatever on the children’s part, or even on the adults’ part.

If children are affecting your senior relationship negatively (it’s more common than you think), talk about it with your mate to reach a middle ground, and visit a therapist or marriage counselor if necessary.

8 Champs Speak

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
April 11, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Included today are comments that 8 Champs shared. The above photo was taken by me in Scotland from the deck of a Holland America Line cruise ship of 8 bagpipers, not Champs, performing on the adjacent pier. Like you, Champs, their performance was glorious.

Joe, recently divorced, emailed, “My dating has been limited to meeting women on dating apps. I had an interesting thing happen at a grocery store. I noticed a cute woman in the store. I got to the laundry aisle, and there she was again, looking at items to buy. Although she didn’t look at me, I was tempted to ask if she was single. I missed my chance.

“My fear was her saying she wasn’t interested in dating me–a comment no guy likes to hear. I am not used to approaching a woman and, after talking to her, asking if she is single. I guess that I might as well try. What do I have to lose?

Tom’s comment: You have nothing to lose, and you might gain a new potential partner. Fear of being rejected applies to both men and women. Remember the woman Champ, who saw a cute guy in the medical waiting room and blew it by not talking to him?

Single men and women should carry a business card or a card that lists their first name and a safe phone number or email address they could hand to a new acquaintance. In that way, the person could reach out to you if they find you appealing. Like on dating sites, you might experience rejection, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

Terry, “I met with my ex-wife this morning to sign all the divorce papers again. My California attorney made mistakes in the original filing.

“My ex was very angry, even though she was the one who left me. The good part is that I think her anger helped me realize that our divorce was the best thing.  “With the trouble I am having securing this divorce, I will never legally marry again. This was my fourth and last marriage.”

Alison, 68, “I have enjoyed reading your articles for many years. Widowed three years ago, I ventured into the senior dating scene at the urging of good friends. They introduced me to a widower friend of theirs. We dated casually for a year before deciding to get involved more deeply. We are great companions, have similar interests, and enjoy each other’s company in many ways. He is 78.”

Cynthia, “I lost my husband many years ago and have not met anyone whom I feel chemistry like I felt before. Not to say the men I’ve met aren’t nice, they are, but it just hasn’t happened.

“However, the good news is I moved forward emotionally and physically. I’m now living in RMV (Rancho Mission Viejo, Ca.), a wonderful & great active 55+ community. And I’ve developed many new friends to boot! “I’m content with my life for now. I feel happy and grateful for who, what and where I am. And I am blessed to have reached peace of mind within myself.

“Your articles help seniors feel good (or at least better) about themselves and their situations.”

Kaitte, “I can’t believe it’s been three years since your partner passed and you’re happy again. I haven’t given up dating, it’s just that I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t make me feel like they’ll put me in a cage with their boundaries and first-date sex. And that’s before I even find out if I would like to get to know them. This cow is not for sale.

“I’ve built a good life on my tiny 1.5-acre Colorado farm over the last 10 years. I planted 1000 Spring bulbs that were at a clearance sale at Walmart in November– $500 worth of bulbs for $100. I bought them all, and they are everywhere. A man would have to be very open-minded and have his own life like yours. Give me my space.

“I don’t want a relationship that disrupts my life but adds to it.

Relationship coach Christine Baumgartner and you mention that I must give a guy a chance. I agree, but you usually know after a couple of dates if it’s going to work.”

Carolyn, “Tom’s recent romantic connection gives me hope for the future. I’m still out here looking and still enjoying myself with other like-minded seniors.   “I am 73 and active. Unfortunately, many men I encounter have health issues and many walk with a cane. Not a problem for me but they aren’t able to walk too far and fall asleep a lot!

“I always enjoy conversing with all the people I meet at the senior socials. To combat loneliness, seniors should consider joining senior centers. Those places provide many activities and social events. I absolutely love my senior center!”

Ray Freer, Laguna Woods, Calif.“ Last October, you wrote about my marriage to Libby here in Laguna Woods. We are in our mid-80s. The current buzz around the Village is an event, scheduled for Sunday, May 4 at the Outlets at San Clemente, ‘The Rotary Route: South County Walk for Mental Wellness.’ (10 a.m. to 2 p.m.)

It’s sponsored by nine Rotary Clubs across South Orange County! “Several of our Laguna Woods friends are participating. I mention the walk, thinking that nearby Champs who seek social interaction, making new friends, physical exercise, and support of a worthy cause might want to participate.

For additional information or to register: https://tinyurl.com/4fwkbsvm

Tom’s comment to Ray: Thanks for the tip. Debbie and I will be joining you and Libby on the May 4 walk. Married life appears fun and rewarding for you two lovebirds.

Michelle, “I live in Dana Point, California. I know a few Champs who reside in Orange County. What wonderful people. I asked Tom if he would mention that I am seeking a woman roommate to share my casita. It’s a half mile to the beach. Life is better when you aren’t living alone. Email me at michellvrv@gmail.com. Here is the property listing on furnished finder: https://www.furnishedfinder.com/property/594302_1

Tom’s comment. Michelle lives in a beautiful casita and is a wonderful person.

A Journey of Love and Lessons Learned

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 28, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Like many seniors, I wasn’t prepared for dating later in life. My journey began in 1993, when my third wife (6 years), with no prior discussions or warning, moved out of my house. Two months later, she filed for divorce, leaving me to navigate the dating scene—a frustrating endeavor.

Online dating wasn’t an option back then. Fortunately, I owned Tutor and Spunky’s, a popular deli in Dana Point, California, where many appealing women walked through the deli door. However, most were significantly younger and had no interest in a recently divorced man in his mid-50s.

Struggling with the dating scene, I started a blog to document my experiences. That blog inspired my first newspaper column, published on July 7, 1994, titled, Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company.

Five years later, in my deli, an attractive, soft-spoken woman about my age with a kind and gentle disposition ordered a freshly squeezed carrot juice. While she waited for her juice, I walked over to her and asked her on a date. She said, “Yes, that would be lovely.” That started a 25-year relationship with Greta.

Though we never married, we lived together for 22 years, first in her San Clemente home, then in my Dana Point abode. She was a Special Education teacher. We travelled the world when we took time off from work.

Greta passed away on October 29, 2022. I was one lost puppy. Technically, I wasn’t a widower, but the pain and grief were the same. After months of loneliness, I decided to reenter the dating scene.

Without the deli as a dating hub, I sought other ways to connect with people. I attended a grief support group, which proved invaluable. Not only did it help me realize I wasn’t alone in my struggles, but it also introduced me to new friends—both men and women—whom I still socialize with today.

To any single senior, I highly recommend joining social groups as a way to build meaningful connections. I was aware that the dating landscape had changed dramatically over 25 years, with online dating emerging as a dominant force.

Aware of its pitfalls, I recognized that online dating also provided an opportunity to meet people beyond my immediate geographical area. With that in mind, I joined online sites Zoosk and Match.com. Despite hearing from some women that “All the good men are taken,” I remained optimistic.

Yes, I encountered scammers and dishonest individuals, but I also met wonderful women. Patience—never my strongest trait—was essential. After messaging Debbie for a few weeks, she finally messaged me back and agreed to meet.

She is 10 years younger and lives in Mission Viejo, about a half hour drive from my home in Dana Point. We began dating in May of 2023 and shared many interests. She worked as a self-employed psychotherapist and had two daughters and two grandchildren, living in other cities. Though we came from different religious backgrounds, we connected over our shared love of sports—she’s a Kansas Jayhawks fan, while I root for the Michigan Wolverines, our respective alma maters.

We also shared a love of music. She attended junior high and high school on Long Island (New York) with Billy Joel. And in the 1970s, I worked with and became friends with Johnny Cash.

Like any relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ve learned to compromise and adjust—essential lessons for seniors in new relationships. We see each other three to four times a week, balancing companionship with personal space. She enjoys her time with friends, and I do the same. She also visits her family. As we approach two years together, chemistry remains. Senior dating has unique challenges, and I feel fortunate to have found Debbie.

Our journey reminds me that love and companionship are possible at any stage in life—if one remains open to the possibilities. Please send me your stories, questions, and comments.
Ask The Therapist

You may be wondering what happened to the Ask The Therapist section. There have been so many questions to Debbie (yes, that Debbie, my significant other) about senior sex that I’ve decided to have her comments about that be the entire eNewsletter next week. So tune in.

Also, a woman Champ reached out to Debbie for personal help. The woman contacted me and thanked me, saying Debbie has helped her immensely.

Was Francine too blunt about sex?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
Was Francine Too Bold about sex last week?
March 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Last week, I took a chance with the eNewsletter. I published Champ Francine’s email in which she spoke openly about senior sex. Straight from the hip. Blunt, direct, and not mincing words. Very little editing on my part.

One of the comments she made: “I’m in my late 70s and would never date or be in a relationship with a man whose libido doesn’t match mine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t work for me.”

When I published her letter, I thought, “Oh, oh. I hope a bunch of Champs don’t unsubscribe, who might have felt her comments were offensive or too bold.” And then I thought, “I’ve been writing these articles for 31 years, we’ve got some brave Champs out there, it’s okay to quote them and let them have a voice.

To my pleasant surprise, no one unsubscribed. Francine struck a chord with several Champs, both men and women. I am including some of their comments today.

Champ Sharon said, “I just had to say that Francine is right on with her comments! “Being on the same page regarding senior libido is very, very important in a relationship. From experience, I know! I had married a guy whose desire for sex was way less than mine, but I thought I could make him want me more. How stupid that was!

“It only got worse to where there was no sex or affection at all, we just existed. He was a good man as society would perceive but for me, there was emotional abuse and no sex.

“When I would talk to him about this he would say, ‘This is how I am, and if you don’t like it, you need to make some decisions.’

“When decisions were made after 20 years of a loveless marriage, I had friends who said that he does so much around the house and can fix things, and is such a good man. This is how it all came across to others. He could be nice and accommodating when around other people, but then completely shut down and be the opposite when the two of us were alone. It was almost amazing to watch.

“I can hire people to do things around my house, but not for affection, sex, or love. Wow, I’m not sure why I got on that rampage! “Francine should definitely write that book; she is spot on! And by the way I am a fellow Scorpio too, on November 17th Keep up the great work Tom, I so enjoy reading your newsletters!”

Champ Mr. Terry, Thailand, “Francine wrote a wonderful bit about sex and meeting family.”

Champ and Relationship Coach Christine shared, “I loved Francine’s thoughts. She’s a smart cookie. My ex-husband was also born on November 11.

“Also, I now have a free dating advice book on my www.ThePerfectCatch.com website. It’s a downloadable eBook. Simply click on the link at the top of the homepage that says eBook and a free copy will be emailed to you. “Plus, you can schedule a complimentary conversation with me on the website.

Champ Colleen, “Love Francine! Good article.”

Champ Granny JKaren, 79, “I sure enjoy your column as usual for at least 20 years now. I was born in November but on the 25th. It usually falls on Thanksgiving weekend. This year will be my 80th and plans are in the making to make it a real bash for this legally blonde who like you enjoys SUP (Stand Up Paddle Boarding).

“My staying single with energy has kept me occupied with my business of repairing wet suits for surfers plus I help people stage social events. “I am finally putting the finishing touches on my book titled, One Lost Puppy. I’d be honored if you read even the first chapter to make sure my humor is in place.

“I would love to invite our champs to a birthday party in the surf Getto in San Clemente, CA. once I’ve got the book in hand to celebrate with.  “I’m originally from Eastern Canada. I have a USA permanent green card and a Canadian passport. My license plates are California plates.

“I am leaving for my 11th summer in Canada since 1990 with my Chevy truck and pulling another vintage trailer up there loaded with recycled wet suit material. Why the same truck?

“I leave the trailers in British Columbia, where they are converted to custom tiny houses on my German family’s 68 Acres, near 100 Mile City in Central British Columbia. The products made from recycled material are sold to fund kids to go to college.

“My new project is waiting for a grant for wheelchair kids. My dream from my book sales this fall will allow us to make wetsuits for the kids to have freedom in the water, so they won’t weigh 300 pounds. The 1969 trailer I am taking will become an office for the project. Then, it will be used for the movie from my One Lost Puppy book.

“I was tap dancing this Monday for Saint Patrick’s Day with my sponsors Kelly & Kelly ins. Largest health insurance company in OC.”

(Note from Tom. Let’s hope, with all the tariff issues currently going on, that JKaren is allowed to cross the International Border in both directions this summer. She does a lot for charity.)

Champ Wil (Hawaii), “Yea for Francine!” (note from Tom. Wil and I worked together at the Victoria Station restaurant chain in Oakland, California, and Victoria Station Denver in 1972—merely 52 years ago. He was a great bartender and a star on the Denver restaurant’s flag football team. We are still in touch.)

Susie, “Question: how does a woman become attracted to an older man? Or if you are a man, to an older woman? I am 83 and still take good care of myself, I was a real head-turner when I was young.

“At 83, I still look pretty good because of years of working out and being a dancer, I never let myself go. I want to go on a dating site, but my age stops me. I would not be interested in a man 83, and I figure no one would be interested in me at 83.”

Champ MR, “I am a woman Champ (early 60s) and believe I speak for many women. Sex with a man after just three or four weeks together is way too soon. She needs to make sure beforehand that a guy is compatible in many ways (religion, politics, etc.), and the sexual part should come later.”

Too Much Senior Sex Too Soon

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz.

Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week.

“I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63.

“We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually.

“But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him.

“When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down.

“On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me.

“I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him.

“Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester.

“I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn.

“He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.”

Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions.

“We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed.

“My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out.

“It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons.  “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it.

“I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed.

Tom’s comment

This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog.

Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife.

Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben.

Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months.

Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned.

Reminder

If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com

Thanks, everybody, and enjoy your weekend.

Responses to “You Talk too Much (on a senior first date)”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 28, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Responses to You Talk Too Much (on a first date)

First date etiquette

There were multiple responses to last week’s eNewsletter about Susan’s claims that men talk too much about themselves on first dates. Thirteen (4 men, 9 women) responses appear in today’s column.

Rhonda, “Although I’m older (68), I have a lot in common with Susan, and I have also been following you for many years. I, too, have been on my own for 12 years and am disenchanted with online dating. I’ve tried different platforms, as you suggested, and even spent money on eHarmony for a full year.

“I was told it’s the best senior online dating site–expensive but worth it. It didn’t work that way for me – people from way out of the area and a few dates here and there who, yes, talked almost exclusively about themselves.

“As much as I tried to talk just a bit about me, it seemed like the man would dial back to something about HIM. It’s fairly apparent when someone doesn’t seem very interested in what you’re saying, and off they go about themselves. I have some interesting traits and things to discuss (I’m a triplet, for example), but it just gets brushed aside. Strange.

“Are these guys nervous? It’s possible, but they do seem pretty relaxed. Maybe too relaxed? Ditto for the lack of response when texting sometimes. I will text a hello, a joke, or a little something, and get no reaction but simply a picture of his dinner! Huh?

“Is it possible that many guys in our age group know there are more women seeking their attention, so they become complacent? I wouldn’t tolerate this one-sidedness from a guy who is trying to win me over.

“I am hopeful there must be SOMEONE out there for me so I’ll keep the faith. I volunteer, play Pickleball and am active and fun. I’m trying, but it’s frustrating.

Tom, San Juan Capistrano, “I’m 64, live in San Juan Capistrano, and I’ve been single for 13 years. I ride mountain bikes with a group of very friendly, mature people. I’ve learned how to socialize better and communicate since joining the group. It’s helped me take an interest, ask questions, and listen to what a person is saying. This helps me relax on a date.”

Marianne, “This is the first time I’ve replied to your eNewsletter. I’ve had the same experience as Susan. I have been on over 30 dates using Match.com and all the men talked about themselves incessantly on the first date. They may be nervous. However, I think they treat the first date as a job interview because they really don’t know another way to have a conversation.

“It’s disappointing that men our age lack the skills to carry on a mutually stimulating conversation on a date. I have done what Tom suggested and interrupted to make my own comments about what he has said, or I’ve bluntly said “My turn” with a smile.

“I always speak to a potential date on the phone first, and the conversation flows easily. It is puzzling why it is more awkward for men in person. Perhaps, in-person conversation skills are a lost art because of texting, which everyone seems to rely on these days. Texting your thoughts is a one-way conversation that doesn’t’ require sitting in front of a real-life person looking into their eyes for understanding or acknowledgement.

“My advice for Susan is keep going on dates and understand that your dates may be nervous. However, break into the conversation and talk about what you are interested in, and see how the conversation goes from there.”

Joanie, “Tom why don’t you start off with 10 questions to ask on a first date to try to get to know someone? Many folks talk too much about non-meaningful subjects (their new car, what trips they have been on, etc.)–subjects that don’t contribute to getting to know each other. So, the relationship never gets off the ground.”

Cheryl, “Champ Susan is spot on with her why men don’t ask questions! I have been dating for 20 years. I am a great conversationalist, have a good sense of humor, and am educated and attractive. Yet 99% of men talk about themselves during the entire date. I’ve asked men, ‘Do you want to know anything about me?’ Often, I must push my way into a conversation and say something about me that’s pertinent to what he’s saying.

“Sometimes I articulate clearly, but humorously, something like, ‘I hope we’re not going to spend the entire time talking about Medicare!’ I have tried everything, and the result is always the same: the man goes right back to the subject he was talking about (himself), as though I hadn’t even spoken. There is NOTHING amiss about Susan. It’s the men who need help.

“They never learned the art of conversation, or the etiquette involved. They’ve never learned how to be genuinely interested in a woman’s life. Mostly, they are busy wondering if they are going to get sex tonight or if they’re wasting their time with me. They are simply not present on the date.”

John, “I agree with Susan about finding the right prince who understands balance in conversations, as you pointed out so she could share her experiences, views, and perspectives on things with a potential mate.

“Asking questions about each other leads to information to build upon for compatibility. I hope she eventually finds the right prince among us frogs, especially in a nice area like Dana Point.

Belinda, Ajijic Mexico, “Like Susan, I’m 63. I’ve had several long-term relationships and a 22-year marriage over the last 45 years. I spent six years on Match with no dates. All the men I expressed an interest in did not reciprocate my interest. I met two guys on EHarmony. Neither were right for me. Zoosk had better results for me as far as the amount of men to meet, but because it’s a free service (or was), there are a lot of ‘questionable’ men on the site: Married, Nigerian Scammers, etc.

“Same problems on Facebook, Yahoo, and especially on Plenty of Fish. I spent years searching actively and I finally gave up. It will need to happen organically now, if it happens at all. Tell Susan I’ve also had those dates where the men just run off at the mouth about themselves and never want to know anything about me. It’s exhausting. I wish her well.”

Joel, 80, newly widowed, said, “Having spent years on Match.com up to 2012, finding the perfect mate, getting married and then widowed, I’m back as a widower in 2025.

“What I heard back then and hear now from women is that many, if not most, of the men they meet are like the ones Champ Susan met. They spill their guts and don’t seem interested in her.

“Knowing this, I go into an interview (a first meeting is NOT a ‘date’) with questions based on what a woman’s online profile says. A recent prospect told me many things about her life, wishes and hopes, her politics, her activities, etc. We talked for 1 ½ hours.

“She told me I was unusual, special, and that I would be very appealing to any women I meet because I ask questions. She said she had never met a man so interested in her. I was encouraged. In my follow-up phone call, she said she wanted to ask me questions because she was taken aback.

“She said, ‘I was so caught up I didn’t think to ask you about anything.’ I said, ask away, and she did. Turned out she either wasn’t interested in me or, maybe, anyway, at this point, so I told her to let me know if she changed her mind.

“Men will do much better if they learn about active listening and go into any first meeting with a prospect armed with questions and the desire to get to know her. You will stand out as unusual and you will learn enough to decide whether to go forward. “Here’s good place to start developing a new approach (this will work for women as well): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening

Julie (in Florida), “I found Susan’s email and your response both fascinating and thought-provoking. Your point about the men possibly being nervous is well-taken. The pressure of a first date, especially in the context of online dating, can be incredibly daunting. However, I also wonder if Susan’s own approach might inadvertently contribute to the one-sided conversations she’s experiencing.

“Your suggestion of a therapist is excellent. Exploring potential communication patterns or subconscious expectations could provide valuable insights. It’s also worth considering that the dating landscape has changed dramatically, and Susan’s experiences might reflect the challenges inherent in online interactions – the lack of immediate nonverbal cues can make it difficult to gauge genuine interest or build rapport.

“I especially appreciate your new “Ask the Therapist” feature – it’s a wonderful addition to your newsletter.

“My own experience, at 73 and recently widowed, mirrors Susan’s apprehension. The dating world feels vastly different now, and the added layer of online scams presents a real concern.

“Navigating this requires a balance of cautious optimism and self-awareness. Perhaps Susan could explore alternative ways to meet people outside of online dating, focusing on activities and social groups that align with her interests. This could lead to more organic and authentic connections.”

Shelley, “Susan is correct. Most men at this age talk about themselves and are only thinking about their agenda. Maybe they are trying to impress us but just want the prize with no investment in who you are as a person. They just need attraction and a nice smile from you. Very shallow. I’ve gone on plenty of dates and know this to be true.”

Dee: “Susan thinks very highly of herself and likes being single. She doesn’t really need a man. She knows (not thinks) she’s gorgeous from her self-description. Perhaps she comes off to the men as I saw her; self-absorbed. Good luck Susan and all those lucky men who she chooses to go out with.”

Jackie, from Georgia, “I remember being on a dating site and the guy called me and talked nonstop for 2 hours. WHY I stayed listening was beyond me with his comment – “Next time you can do all the talking. I was too worn out to want another time to talk. He called one time and said, ‘Oh, the wrong Jackie!’

“I agree with you that getting out and especially enjoying Dana Point. The Harbor is inviting. Who knows who you might meet at Costco? My sister and I ran into you there a few years ago.

“I’ve dated four widowers since Randy passed and they only had marriage on their mind. For me, friendship was what I was enjoying. I’d tell Susan to enjoy her freedom! I hope you can help people with your new – ‘Ask the Therapist’ I’ve had my share of counseling in my day!

Elenute “It’s not bad to give people the benefit of the doubt, as you do, Tom. Yes, they might be nervous, etc., but they are also revealing who they are. I’ve dated a lot of men, and some of them really don’t understand that conversation should be a two-way street. It’s very hard to find one who does. Even then, watch out for narcissists.

Comment from Tom: Three men emailed me, asking if I thought Susan would be willing to meet them for coffee. I let her know. And I believe she may have agreed. Remember, I’m not a matchmaker, but it seems that it might have happened this week. When Champs email me, it’s important they include their city where they live and their approximate age.

Ask The Therapist

Dear Debbie, “What can senior men do to prepare themselves for a first date so they don’t talk too much about themselves?

Great question! I’d also include what women can do to prepare for a first date. First impressions matter, so basic grooming—showering, deodorant, flossing, and dressing comfortably and appropriately—is essential. It may seem obvious, but both men and women sometimes overlook these details.

For online dating, I found it helpful to get to know someone through messages before meeting. Texting and phone conversations reveal a lot—sense of humor, availability, flexibility, values, and common interests—all of which can help determine compatibility before agreeing to a date.

Preparation also includes a good night’s sleep, a positive attitude, and being on time. Regarding last week’s topic of talking too much, I often attribute it to nerves. If there’s a connection, I’ll go on a second date to see if that’s the case.

On the date, ask open-ended questions, (e.g, if you could change one trait about yourself, what would it be?  If your best friend could choose an adjective(s) to describe you what would it (they) be?  What does your ideal weekend look like?), make eye contact, and practice active listening. If one person dominates the conversation, try summarizing what they said and asking a follow-up question—this keeps the conversation balanced and engaging.

Debbie Sirkin, LMFT, does not provide any psychological or other health-related services or advice to individuals within the newsletter, and even when responses to questions are answered in the second person as a literary device, they are general and hypothetical, and not intended to be personal for the questioner. Answers are for general information only, and never constitute advice for any individual. Under no circumstances does Ms. Sirkin provide legal advice or medical advice.