Senior dating challenges: Why do senior men send mixed signals?
Where is “John?”
A Champ and San Juan Capistrano, California resident, Yoko, emailed, “A couple weeks ago, two girlfriends and I went to the Swallow’s Inn in San Juan Capistrano on a Tuesday evening for line dancing lessons. I arrived early.
The Swallows Inn San Juan Capistrano California (Photo by Tom Blake July 2022)
Note from Tom: The Swallows Inn is one of the most popular country and Western bars in Orange County, California. Some customers tie their horses up behind the bar. It’s been around for years.
Yoko continued, “A few minutes later, two men sat down at the table next to me and started a conversation. I was attracted to the man sitting closest to me (I’ll call him ‘John’). He and I chatted for 2 1/2 hours, and I even skipped one of the line dancing lessons as we were engaged in an interesting conversation about a property, he bought in Fallbrook (North San Diego County) this March with many avocado trees.
“He had lived in San Juan Capistrano for 25 years. He owns his own company, now lives in nearby Mission Viejo Monday-Thursday and is in Fallbrook Friday-Sunday. He wore no wedding ring. As he was flipping through pictures of his Fallbrook property to show me on his phone, I didn’t see any pictures of him with a woman.
“He offered to buy drinks and food for me and my friends which I thought was very generous. We had already eaten. He bought a glass of wine for me and sodas for my non-alcohol-drinking friends. He helped move our table a little so my friends would have some space to sit and helped me lower a window blind that was stuck with sun streaming into my friends’ eyes. Very chivalrous of him.
“All of his qualities I found attractive as well as his physical appearance. I guess his age is close to mine in his mid-60s. His friend kept urging him to dance with me, but he had informed me early in the conversation he did not line dance.
“I’m not aggressive when I meet men as I was raised in an ‘old fashioned’ environment and the Japanese culture where the man makes the initial contact offer. This has always worked for me in the past.
“After 2 1/2 hours my girlfriends wanted to leave so I thanked ‘John,’ and said my friends wanted to leave. I lingered a bit hoping he would ask for my phone number or give me his phone number. He did not ask so I said, “I hope to see you again,” and I left.
“That was one of the strangest experiences I’ve had with a man to whom I was attracted, and I certainly got the vibes that ‘John’ was attracted to me. My ego was a little hurt as I’ve never had a man spend that much time talking to me, who seemed attracted to me and then not ask if he could call or see me again.
“He certainly wasn’t shy as he initiated the conversation with me as soon as he sat down next to me.
“I haven’t gone back to the Swallows since this happened but will go sometime.
“I would enjoy hearing your and our Champs’ thoughts.”
I responded, “Yoko, I have no idea why he didn’t ask how to reach you. Perhaps he’s involved in a relationship or even married.
“What more could you have done? One of the tips I suggest to single women who’d like to meet a potential mate is to be assertive, not aggressive, when meeting or seeing a single man who appeals to them.
“By this I mean have a pre-printed card (similar to a business card) with your first name and email address on it, that you could have handed to him. Or, you could have written your email address on a cocktail napkin.
“Who knows if you will see him again? If not, it wasn’t meant to be. But, in the future, be prepared to hand over your contact information if a similar situation arises.
“If ‘John’ reads this column and wants to contact you, he can email me, and I shall pass his information on to you.”
Three questions for Champs:
Has this ever happened to you?
What would you have done?
What should Yoko have done?
Thanks, Champs. Welcome to July. Egad. Halfway through 2022.
In the last two eNewsletters, I included an SOS message of sorts, reminding Champs to send in their experiences, stories, and questions, so that the articles will keep coming on a weekly basis. Many of you responded, which I appreciate.
Last Friday, while online, I received an email with this subject line: “SOS – The New Lyric Video!” At first take, I thought it was a Champ response to my send in your information appeal. Then, I noticed it was someone else who sent out an SOS message.
As some of you know, ABBA, the Swedish singing supergroup from the 1970s is making a comeback, of sorts. A new custom-built venue called ABBA Arena opened on May 26 in London, which features “Voyage,” ABBA’s first album in 40 years since the group split up. Is the foursome performing 40 years after they split up? Yes, of course, with lots of their old hits, plus some new material also. But there is a twist.
New Abba Arena (photo by Nick F June 2022)
The four original members, Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anni-Frid have created a concert called Voyage using the same sensational music but digital versions of themselves. The four appear as avatars showing what they looked like in the 1970s, not what they look like now in their 70s.
The London ABBA Arena “Voyaged” show is backed by a live 10-piece orchestra. The show includes the magic of ABBA using motion-capture technology in a spectacular virtual reality show.
They did appear on opening night in person on stage before the concert. The concertgoers went crazy.
In a way, the ABBA members are like we Champs—they are in their 70s now and they’ve aged as we have. In YouTube footage I watched of them appearing on opening night on stage, Agnetha was using a cane. Most of us can relate to them: we loved their music then and they are older like us now.
Bjorn said it so well in an interview about the story behind the Voyage album. “We’ve aged, but the spirit is still there.”
There are two links listed below to ABBA’S new material. The first is to the new spicy version of SOS. Plus, I’ve included another link to an interview with Benny and Bjorn explaining how the Voyage album came together. The group spent six weeks in a studio perfecting the album and videos.
Performances are sold out for most of the summer. The Voyage website is filled with information, including directions on how to reach the Abba Arena, via train and the London underground tube.
I mentioned ABBA recently in an eNewsletter and how in 2013 Greta and I were in Stockholm on a cruise, and we found the ABBA museum while riding on a Hop On, Hop Off bus. It was the opening day of the museum. They were sold out. We were told we couldn’t go in.
Tom and Greta with Abba look-a-likes in 2003 (photo by Tom Blake)
However, in her gracious, sweet, and convincing way, Greta was able to persuade the museum manager to allow us to enter on that opening day, a memory we will never forget. And while there, we were able to watch while standing four feet away, Natalie Morales of the Today show, interview in person Bjorn and Anna-Frid. That interview aired in the United States live on the Today Show that day.
Natalie Morales of Today show interviewing Bjorn and Anna-Frid in 2013 (photo by Tom Blake)
Will Greta and I go to London to see the Voyage concert? Probably not. But, if we get a call from Bjorn or Anna-Frid inviting us, well, we might rethink it. In the meantime, enjoy the links below.
Link to SOS
Link The story behind the album “The spirit is still there” Bjorn.
In March 2017, I wrote a column titled, “Delivering a Letter to Johnny Cash,” which described a trip my partner Greta and I took to Tennessee to visit the Johnny Cash Museum and Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, and Graceland, and Sun Records in Memphis.
As many of you know, I worked with (and became friends with) Johnny Cash in 1975 and 1976 and wanted to show Greta the places where I had been with him.
A fellow Dana Point resident and Champ, Michael McLeavy, responded to that article. He wrote: “I enjoyed your ‘Delivering a Letter to Johnny Cash’ column and thought you might get a kick out of how I met Elvis Presley, since Elvis was a friend of your friend Johnny Cash.”
Michael and I met for lunch and compared stories about how he met Elvis and I met Johnny, two of Tennessee’s greatest singing legends. Michael presented me with a replica of a poster that pictured Johnny Cash and Elvis Presley together, promoting a March 10, 1956, concert in Armory, Mississippi (photo above)
On April 13, 2017, I wrote a follow-up column detailing how Michael met Elvis.
This February, Michael told me he had just completed an autobiography, which features his meeting Elvis as one of the highlights.
He said, “I purchased your Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark book and was impressed that you self-published it by using Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing. Would you consider editing, formatting, and helping me publish my book on Amazon?”
I said, “I admit, as a senior, I have extra time on my hands due to staying at home during the pandemic. Seniors need projects to work on. Projects can keep their minds active and give them a purpose. I’m not a professional editor, but I did learn a lot publishing my book.”
I thought getting Michael’s book edited and published might take me three weeks. So, I said to Michael, “I will do it.”
Three weeks turned into two months. Besides editing the manuscript, building a table of contents, and creating the book’s cover, there were multiple pictures to reformat and other details to address. One blessing: the book turned out to be only 132 pages.
What Now? What Next? Where To? by Michael McLeavy
As I worked on the book, I became fascinated with Michael’s life. He moved to Los Angeles from Scotland in 1965. His primary goal was to meet Elvis. He did that and so much more. He built a successful career in the insurance business.
Michael is an accomplished singer. He has recorded four CDs, which are available on Amazon.
Currently, Michael’s book, “What Now? What Next? Where To?” is available in paperback only. The cost on Amazon is $14.99 plus shipping and taxes.
However, if Champs would like a signed and personalized copy, email Michael at mmcleavy@cox.net with the details. The charge for Champs is $14.25, plus delivery. He will invoice you via his PayPal account, which can be paid via credit cards.
Michael has lived in Dana Point with his wife Linda since 1989.
Will I begin a second senior career helping people as an editor and publisher of books? Perhaps, but not full time as I must leave enough time to keep writing my eNewsletters and newspaper columns. Let me know if you have a book in your future. I’m receptive to questions.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 3, 2022
Today’s topics:
Reflections on Memorial Day
Does a potential mate’s marriage history matter?
It’s not the end of the line (if you haven’t found a mate yet)
On Memorial Day, like so many people, I did some reflecting about life. As a veteran, I certainly thought about the men and women of the armed services who paid the ultimate price. I reflected on the American Cemetery in Normandy France that Greta and I visited in 2016. It was a heart-wrenching experience to see the 9,387 gravesites of the Americans buried there. Most were casualties of the D-Day invasion, which took place only a few hundred yards from the cemetery, on June 6, 1944. Some perished in other parts of WWII.
Les, one of our Champs, was involved in D-Day.
Only four of the 9,387 buried there are women. Greta and I searched the cemetery until we found at least one of the four women’s gravesites. We came upon the white cross of Elizabeth A. Richardson, Mishawaka, Indiana, who was a Red Cross Volunteer, age 27, who died in a plane crash on July 25, 1944. I took a photo of her gravestone.
And I also thought about the men and women serving now. This very morning, Greta’s grandson-in-law Carlos is retiring from the Marine Corps after 23 years. We will be at his retirement ceremony at Camp Pendleton. We’re grateful for his dedication.
Also on Memorial Day, I thought about the last two years where Covid-19 made life difficult for all of us. For senior singles, it made meeting a potential mate very difficult. For seniors in long-distance relationships, it meant not seeing a partner as often.
I spoke to my friend Mike S. on Memorial Day and he stated how the recent tragic shootings across our country had affected him and Joanie, his significant other. He stated, “I’m out of sorts; this is a strange day.” I felt the same way.
I thought about our Champs who are alone, some of them probably feeling a bit empty themselves. I thought about five friends–two who are new widows, two who are new widowers and a guy friend who recently said to me, “I lost the best woman I’ve ever known.” I know how tough Memorial Day was for them.
And then I felt maybe I could give senior singles a little boost via this week’s eNewsletter.
Recently, some Champs have asked if a person’s dating and/or marriage history is important when seeking a mate. Here are my thoughts.
1 When you meet a potential mate, does their marriage/divorce history matter? What if they were married and divorced two or more times? Does that make them a risky choice?
My answer: no. When Greta and I had our first date 25 years ago, one thing we both fessed up to that we had in common was we each had been married and divorced three times. Both of us had been thinking, if I say that, will the other one get up and leave.
We didn’t bat an eye. Neither asked, “Why so many times?” We both understood what the other had been through. We both seemed like nice people. If anything, that common bond help bring us together. The result: a quarter-century of sharing life together. We finally got the senior relationship challenge right, even though we didn’t want or have the need to marry.
(2) How about dating a widowed person? Most widows and widowers have told me they prefer to date widowed people because widowed people understand each other. An important consideration is: have they given themselves time to grieve and heal?
Twelve years ago, I published an eBook titled, “Widower Dating. Gold Mine or Mine Field?” That book addresses many issues that can arise in dating a widowed person, especially dating a widower. It’s in eBook format only and is 33 pages. The eBook costs $2.99. To read a free preview, go to www.smashwords.com and then search on “Tom Blake. Widower Dating. Gold Mine or Mine Field.” While published 12 years ago, the information remains applicable today.
Both widows and widowers have told me the book has helpful advice for them, in addition to someone who is dating a widower.
I dated a widow before I met Greta. She kept calling me “Sam,” her deceased husband’s name. I felt she hadn’t healed properly, and the relationship fizzled out.
Is it okay to date widowed people? Of course. However, early on have the discussion with him or her to ensure the person has adequately healed. It would be terrible to fall in love with someone who decides down the road that he or she hasn’t healed enough and dumps you. Ouch!
(3) And is there risk in dating a person who has never married? Perhaps they are the wisest among all senior singles. No divorce scars. But you may wisely wonder, can he or she give and be a supportive and loving partner?
Of course, they can! They wouldn’t be making themselves available if they weren’t up to the task. The more important question might be can you be a supportive and loving partner to him or her.
There is no right or wrong answer to these three questions. It’s up to each person individually. It’s all in the attitude. It’s all how two people interact and care for each other. And don’t think, it’s the end of the line for you because you haven’t met that significant someone yet.
End Of The Line
Coincidentally, as I was working on this eNewsletter on Memorial Day, Greta clicked on YouTube TV and the song “End of the Line,” Volume 1 played, by The Traveling Wilbury’s, featuring George Harrison, Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, and Jeff Lynne.” Incredible piece of music. Recorded in October 1988.
Orbison died on December 6, 1988, and when Volume 2 of “End of the Line” came out, the video featured a guitar sitting on an empty rocking chair, placed there to honor Orbison. Toward the end of the video, Orbison’s voice is dubbed in. Bob Dylan appeared on the Volume 2 video. I am ending today’s eNewsletter with a link to Volume 2 of “End Of The Line.” Look for the rocking chair, the subtle picture of Roy Orbison and the cameo appearance of Bob Dylan. And the messages in the song to seniors about living a full life. The video has had 99,000,000 views since being originally posted in 2016.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 27 2022
by Tom Blake
The stresses of long-distance relationships
(Note from Tom: Today’s eNewsletter has been edited for length, clarity, and controversial material)
The pandemic has been hard on senior long-distance relationships. Travel restrictions made face-to-face meetings difficult. And when the partners lived in different countries, getting together was almost impossible.
I heard of relationships where one person lived in Canada and the person lived across the border in the USA and were unable to see each other for one to two years, due to border-crossing restrictions.
Did the long-distance relationships within the USA survive the test of time being away from each other? Recently, we wrote about the frustration a woman in Illinois expressed about not being able to see her California man friend more often. She wondered if she was wasting her time. They had seen each other only a couple of times in the last year.
And now that restrictions are easing, what’s happening to international long-distance relationships? Larry, a Champ, a friend, and a former Dana Point neighbor of mine from 30 years ago—he’s now 82– emailed last week regarding the status of his international long-distance relationship.
I mentioned his situation in previous eNewsletters when he said nine of his scheduled trips to the Philippines to see Emy, his woman friend, had been canceled.
Larry wrote last week: “Many men have been interested in the lure of Asian women. I started an online investigation of these women and their countries a dozen years ago. I discovered there are two common denominators. They all want love and financial security.
“I chatted with many women online throughout the entire world. Many come from countries with different religions than mine. One country stood out above all others (The Philippines) for Catholicism and an English-speaking populace.
“At first glance, it was obvious that Philippine dating sites were not the way to go! Full of money scammers and women desperate to escape the poverty of The Philippines. So, I looked at other non-dating social sites. This is how I met Emy. We are now in our 7th happy year together.”
A few years ago, Larry went to the Philippines to be with Emy. Just before the pandemic arrived, he returned to the USA to attend to some personal matters. Then, after the pandemic spread, his return flight to Manila was canceled.
During 2000 and 2001, he had eight more reservations to fly to Manilla canceled. The Philippine government was strict about allowing people into the country. Larry expressed his frustration to me with both the Philippine government and the U.S. government and their travel restrictions. However, I understood those restrictive actions, which nearly every country instituted, in an attempt to protect the health of its residents.
Larry wrote: “Since March 2020 until recently, the Philippines and the USA governments have kept me from returning to The Philippines. The stress has been close to unbearable. It has taken a toll on my life, and I am now in a recuperative stage. It is going to take days, weeks, and perhaps longer to recover.
Love rekindles in PV
“To get Emy and I back together, I investigated 35-45 countries where Emy might be able to get a visa. I found only two—Ecuador and Mexico. Ecuador seemed too far away in South America. And Mexico, which she chose, turned out to be difficult for her to enter. They required many documents and other severe travel restrictions for Filipinos! She endured a 3-day delay in Manila, but with help from friends plus 34 hours of travel time, we have been together again in Puerto Vallarta Mexico (PV) for over two weeks.”
When I read “Puerto Vallarta,” I was shocked. I had no idea that Larry and Emy had “PV” on their radar. However, that’s not so bad, in fact, it’s darned good. “PV” is a great city. Greta and I have visited and stayed there five times. We thoroughly enjoyed it.
Emy and Larry (photo by Larry McCook)
Larry said, “What is it like here in Mexico with Emy? Life is better than good. She is the same lady who loved me in 2019: Sweet, kind, and caring. She never misses Mass, and it is great to hold hands together in Mass. She cooks three meals a day made from fresh food from the local market. Our apartment is so clean that a person could eat off the floor. She gives me a strong full back massage every day, and we take long walks every day.
“We live in a nice updated fully furnished 1 BR apartment including A/C and electricity for under $500 per month, which helps us save for rainy days. Buses run every 5-10 minutes and it costs 50 US Cents to anywhere in the city. Supermarket pricing is close to the same in the US. The locals are friendly. We live across from a large sports park.”
Tom’s comment: I wonder what they will do? Will they remain in Mexico or return to the USA or the Philippines? I know he will let us know.
Their story is an example of how determination and true grit can keep love alive. More power to them.
I’d like to hear from other couples who are involved in long-distance relationships and how they made it through the pandemic and what obstacles they had to overcome.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 20, 2022
by Tom Blake – Columnist
A New You – 5 Tips for overcoming heartbreak (Love will find a way)
Growing old has many rewards: retirement, playing lots of golf, exercising at will, children are grown and usually married and grandchildren for you to enjoy. No more 9-to-5 working pressures. The list is endless.
However, as we age, we also experience loss. We lose loved ones through divorce, breakups, misunderstandings, and death. It’s not just losing a partner. We lose parents, siblings, and dear friends. We are dealt personal hardships. Perhaps we’ve been diagnosed and are dealing with a serious illness.
It’s life, it’s inevitable and it’s hard. When these things happen, we face a new challenge: overcoming our heartbreak and finding a new direction.
How do we do that? How do we become “The new you?”
In writing about senior dating and relationships for 28 years, here are five tips I’ve learned from readers on how to overcome heartbreak. One of the main themes of songs is heartbreak, and how to overcome it. Today, I’m including three songs that I feel can be helpful to get people through tough times and give them hope.
5 tips for overcoming heartbreak
1. It’s understandable and ok to be sad. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be alone (for a time, but not for too long). One of my favorite songs from the 1970s was REM’s “Everybody Hurts.” In a nutshell, that song’s message is: “Everybody hurts sometimes. Hold on.” It’s a powerful song of hope and overcoming adversity. Link at end.
2. Remind yourself that healing takes time. It will sting for a while. In an interview April 21, 2022, on Good Morning America, Robin Roberts asked Magic Johnson (the photo above is of Magic Johnson with Greta Cohn and Tom Blake at Tom’s deli, Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point, California, in 2009) how he overcame the news in 1991 that he had HIV. Magic said, “You realize you aren’t alone.” Being aware of this helped him become “A new you.”
The Bee Gees, the 1970s popular singing group was made up of three close-knit brothers. They had many hits, including, “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?” I saw an interview on TV recently with Barry Gibb, about that song and how he dealt with the loss of his three younger brothers, who died years apart. Maurice and Robin were members of the Bee Gees and Andy was much younger but not in the group.
Gibb was devastated. He said, “I moped around for months, there were highs and lows.”
My sisters and I lost my brother Bill a year ago January, it’s taken that long to not think about him every day. I’ve healed, I guess because I no longer daily reach for my phone to call him as I did for months after he passed. Again, healing takes time. And we will never forget.
3. Don’t try to go it alone. Have a support group, if only one or two people. Confide in them and talk to friends; be out socially, if possible. Try not to isolate yourself. Be around people by attending church, volunteering, and going to senior centers. Don’t be afraid to admit your pain.
4. Remind yourself that everything is going to be all right in due time. It may not seem like it when adversity happens. Be as positive as you can. In 1976, Neil Diamond co-wrote and sang live one time the song “Dry Your Eyes,” in response to the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King because so many people were mourning. The song was on the “Beautiful Noise” album. He did not sing it live again until 2017, after the terrorist bombing at an Aria Grande concert in Manchester, England.
Greta and I attended one of his last concerts at the Forum in L.A. in 2018. At least, he unexpectedly (to me) sang “Dry Your Eyes.” I filmed a video of it, which is linked below.
5. Look for a seed of opportunity that often sprouts from adversity. When I was dealt an unexpected divorce in 1994, I started a journal just to gather and organize my thoughts. Six months later, using the words from that journal, I became a newspaper columnist. A seed of opportunity came along, and I grabbed it. I’m still writing 28 years later.
Another song about overcoming heartbreak is by the singing group Pablo Cruise who had a 1978 hit titled “Love Will Find A Way.” Words from that song include:
“Oh, but it’s all right (all right) Once you get past the pain (Past the pain) You’ll learn to find your love again So keep your heart open ‘Cause love will find a way”
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 13, 2022
Columnist Tom Blake
Why high school reunions are good places for seniors to meet
In my April 29 “Big Yellow Taxi” article, I wrote about a couple who started dating after reuniting at their high school reunion in 2018. The woman lives in Illinois; the man lives in California, near his three daughters, seven grandchildren, and his 96-year-old mom.
The woman is frustrated because they live so far apart. She wonders if she’s wasting her time with him. Over the years, many Champs have shared their stories of meeting a mate at a high school reunion. Some of those meetings have led to marriages.
Champs responded to the Big Yellow Taxi article, including Althea, who wrote:
“Your recent article inspired me to share this high school reunion story with you. My half-brother, Ray, who is now 89, was married for over 50 years to Shirley and widowed in March 2010 at the age of 77.
“In 2011, there was a summer high school class reunion in our hometown of Foxboro, Massachusetts, which he attended. He was living in South Carolina.
“At that reunion, he met Diane, a woman he had known in high school, who graduated a year after he graduated. He knew her through a family member of hers. She is a retired nurse and a widow with five kids, and Ray, a widower, also has five kids.
“Diane lived in Ohio. Ray visited her there and she visited him in South Carolina. Plus, between visits, they spent a lot of time talking over the phone.
“Ray and Diane married a year after Shirley died. I thought it was crazy and disrespectful to his wife of 50-plus years until I talked to him and my nephew, his oldest son, about it. They both said that Shirley wanted Ray to be happy and not be alone for the rest of his years.
“Even though Ray and Diane married quickly, they are still together and happy, now living in Ohio in an assisted living facility.
“I’ll even bet he and Shirley had a lot of talks about what he would do after her death.
“The key to senior relationships is honest and upfront communication. The woman from your most recent article needs to have communication with the California guy if they are to be a forever couple who met at a high school reunion.”
Another high school reunion romance (years later)
In 2017, I wrote about two of my Jackson High School Jackson Michigan school classmates—Phil and Sue—who hadn’t seen or communicated with each other since graduation. At our 50th high school reunion in 2007, they spent 20 minutes talking to each other. Both were married at the time. I mentioned them again a few weeks ago as well.
Five years ago, Phil became a widower. He heard from another classmate that Sue was divorced. He lived in California; Sue lived in Michigan. He contacted her and asked if he could visit her. She said yes, and off he went driving to Michigan.
When they were together in Michigan for a week, they realized they had special feelings for each other. After he returned home to California, he proposed to her over the phone. They were married at the Riverside County Courthouse two weeks later and Sue moved to California to be with Phil.
These two reunion stories reveal
four reasons why high school reunions are good places for seniors to meet potential mates:
1. The number of singles attending. As we age, more and more people who attend reunions are single again. Often widows and widowers attend because they know the people and feel more comfortable among them.
2. A single person might see someone who they had secretly admired in high school, who is also now single. Why not spend some time together?
3. When people who have known each other for years share memories and experiences at class reunions, they often have much in common, which is an important factor in favorable compatibility.
4. Sometimes, people from different graduating classes also attend reunions, which means even more singles are there. You might meet someone who could be older or younger than whom you didn’t even know before.
One added note about high school or college reunions: often, the people you meet live in a different city or state. So, a long-distance relationship could evolve. That can present challenges for people who want to be together. Bottom line: nothing’s easy in senior dating.
When you receive that reunion notice, don’t just toss it aside. An unexpected meeting could happen. “But, but,” the Champ says, “my reunion is in Michigan, and I live in Ushuaia (Argentina).”
Here is a photo from my 60th high school class reunion
60th reunion Jackson High School class of 1957 (This group attended Griswold middle school together as well as high school)
(Today’s eNewsletter has been edited for clarity, grammar, and wordiness)
Champs responded to last week’s “Big Yellow Taxi” eNewsletter which featured a widow living in Illinois who had met a widower in California at their high school reunion. She called herself a vaycay girl and wondered if she is wasting her time with him.
Jackie, also a widow, emailed: “I try not to make my life about having to find someone, but at age 74, IF I had another love story like meeting Randy at my 50th reunion, and subsequently marrying him, that would be nice, but I’m trying to be content—one day at a time. I am enjoying the journey and doing what I like to do, including attending my grandchildren’s activities.”
Tom’s comment: We’ve said it before. Attending school reunions can improve one’s chances for finding love in our senior years. After all, the people who meet at reunions share a common past and experiences from years before.
D, emailed: “In my opinion, the Yellow Taxi ‘vaycay’ gal is very lucky. Who in their right mind would leave California for Illinois when everything that person has is in California? (For the man, children, grandchildren, and mother live near him in California).
“That guy’s life, happiness, and stability are also his survival and how to make it after the loss of his wife. He was described as a nice guy, and he is making an attempt at a relationship. The Yellow Taxi gal doesn’t seem to appreciate what she has, not to mention a visit by him after he recovers from his knee surgery.
“She is lucky but is complaining like a spoiled brat.”
Our Champs often comment about the oldies songs that I sometimes link to at the end of my eNewsletters. Last week’s song, Big Yellow Taxi, inspired the mention of another song from a Champ.
Champ Wayne emailed a tidbit about a song that he felt illustrates how a songwriter’s personal adversity didn’t stop him from co-writing and making famous a 1960 classic song.
Wayne wrote, “The Drifters recorded “Save the Last Dance for Me” in 1960 and it became a great hit. “The songwriter, Doc Pomus, suffered from polio when he was a kid and was crippled. However, he sometimes used crutches to get around.
“During an interview on Elvis Costello’s show “Spectacle,” Lou Reed, who worked with Pomus, said the song was written on the day of Pomus’ wedding while the groom who used a wheelchair watched his bride dancing with their guests.”
Tom’s comment: I went online and verified that Pomus co-wrote that song with Mort Shuman and the details Wayne provided in the paragraph above are true. Wayne continued: “Pomus’ wife, Willi Burke, was a Broadway actress and dancer. The song gives Pomus’ perspective of telling his wife to have fun dancing but reminds her who will be taking her home and ‘in whose arms you’re gonna be.’
“Hence, the song. True story and very touching! That’s how this wonderful song was written!”
With Ben E. King on lead vocal, the Drifters made the song a number one hit, and it was later recorded by multiple artists, including Anne Murray. I agree with Wayne that the song reminds us that opportunity often arises from adversity. Through dedication, hard work, and never giving up hope, we can make positive contributions to life and the world. Here’s the link to the Drifters singing, “Save the last dance for me.”
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 29, 2022
Senior dating, wasting her time? Big Yellow Taxi
Last week, I received an email with this subject line: “Both widowed, he is living an amazing life.” The email had been sent from a link on my website. I did not recognize the sender’s name or email address.
The message read: “Dating a high school friend. We really connect. We are both widowed. I have kids…they are fairly independent. He is an amazing father of three daughters ages 45 to 51 and has seven grandchildren and a 96-year-old mom living near him.
“We love each other…I think. But we are in a long-distance relationship. He is in California; I am in Illinois. He texts me his day-to-day happenings and we talk on the phone every 10 days. It’s been four and a half months since we’ve been together.
“He had a knee replacement and is recovering well. He seems all on board and his daughters seem receptive of me. But I am afar. I feel like a vaycay gal.
“Where do I fit? Am I wasting the time I have left? What do you think?”
I felt it was not my place to advise her about senior dating, wasting her time or not. I’m a columnist, not a relationship counselor. Besides, she didn’t provide enough information to give her an intelligent answer. I get questions like this often from single seniors. In responding to a situation like this, it’s best for me to ask questions which might nudge her to answer her own question.
I emailed her back. For openers, I asked, “What is a vaycay gal?” Followed by:
“How often have you been together in person?
“Did you re-meet at a reunion?
“What do you want? To move to California or him to Illinois? Who would relocate?
She responded: “A vacay gal is when you are in a long-distance relationship, but you only take vacations together. I knew him in high school. We are both 72 and widowed. We reunited at our last reunion in 2018.
“A year ago, we started emailing, texting and talking. He visited me in Illinois for a week last October. I visited him in California at the end of December. We really hit it off. We would have visited again but he had knee replacement surgery March 8. He is doing well and will visit me May 15 for three weeks. Plus, we have a trip planned to Hawaii in September.”
And then she added: “I doubt he would move because his three daughters, seven grandkids and mother live in the same California town.
“I want a partner in life and a loving relationship.”
I responded to her: “Wasting your time? Heck, I think you’ve got a good thing going. What do you expect him to do?”
“You didn’t answer the relocate question: “Would you be willing to move to California and would he want that?”
We’ll see what she says. Her emails remind me of a 1972 song by Joni Mitchell called “Big Yellow Taxi.” More specifically, this stanza.
“Late last night, I heard the screen door slam And a big yellow taxi took away my old man
Don’t it always seem to go That you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone?”
The final sentence “Don’t it always seem to go. That you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone?” is repeated five times in the song.
Maybe, she’ll realize she’s got a good thing before the big yellow taxi takes him away.
Comment from Tom: Today’s eNewsletter features 36 responses from Champs, the most responses in a newsletter since my writing career began. It has been edited for brevity (believe it or not), clarity, discretion, and grammar. It’s long, featuring 28 responses from women and eight from men. Some other responses are not included but will be in future eNewsletters as they are relevant to the senior dating scene.
Here’s what 28 women said
Linda #1, “The best way to describe my experience with a lot of men is they go from zero to the topic of sex very fast. I say to these men: ‘Let a woman feel safe and comfortable with you. We will get there. Just not on the first date.’ “I had a man show up to our first date in his motor home. He assumed we would ‘hang out’ in it after dinner in the restaurant parking lot. Didn’t happen.”
Kaitte, “I gotta get to KNOW you and be in a relationship. It’s the one GIFT I’ve got–you can’t buy, rob, or steal it from me. If you have an issue with that, hit the door. I haven’t had sex in 14 years. I have to feel something and the man has to be deserving.”
Tasia, “I completely agree with you Tom – I never want to be made to feel cheap or used. I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about myself. I’ve known a few women who jump right into bed with the new guy, and, after a few times, they find out he’s ghosted them or is in some type of committed relationship. No thanks!
“Those few women I referred to were all in their late 40s/ early 50s. I don’t know if that makes a difference when compared to women in their late 50s and older.”
Christine, “Your advice was so wonderful! I consistently give men and women this very same advice in my relationship counseling. I have nothing to add except my hearty endorsement.”
Virginia, “I have been a reader of your column for 23 years, and in my humble opinion, your response in this week’s newsletter is by far the very best one ever!
“Succinct, and all-encompassing, I can’t imagine what more could be added even by the wise and the few jaded CHAMPS in our group.
“Thanks for conquering and clarifying this sticky subject and putting it out there in black and white for seniors who may be a tad too lonely: ‘To thine own self be true.’ Bravo, well written! I wish this response could be published in every senior newsletter nationwide.”
Althea, “I agree 100% with you! I don’t have any additional comments on the subject of having sex on a first date with a STRANGER, because you said everything I would have.”
Annette, “I’m 62. The last time I had sex on a 1st date I got a skin infection.
My answer is ‘no’ unless that’s all you are looking for.
“Times have changed but men have not. At my age, unless it’s a committed relationship, there’s more to life than a one-night stand.
“I would have to check their feet, under their fingernails, and their home first (for cleanliness). What is unseen is not worth it. Glad I was cured.”
Mary Lou: “There’s something about Diane that just didn’t ring true – got my spidey sense working. Nine out of ten women wanting first-date sex? That’s hard to believe.
“You handled the advice perfectly. A very informative column, especially the caution about STD’s. Good God, how humiliating to get one of those at our age.
“Love Garth’s song The Dance. He is married to one of my favorite country stars – Trisha Yearwood.”
Linda, “Your answer was perfect. You don’t need to ‘dance’ right away to figure out if you like someone well enough. Remember what you told your daughters when they first started dating? It still applies.”
Joanie, “I agree with Tom. As a senior – no sex until you have a relationship established. Being ‘used’ and then ‘ghosted’ or worse left with an STD is too hard to deal with for a lonely senior.
“A DECENT man will wait. For most seniors, ‘companionship’ is more important than the sexual aspect of a relationship…no woman should give before she gets what she wants! Tom is correct.”
Sandy, “Classy answer! Returning to dating through online connection has its share of strange elements. No wonder people flounder and need reality checks. Your answer was grounded and mature, thanks!”
Gail, “My first reaction to your question is, ‘Oh, hell no!’ I’m old-fashioned when it comes to dating, and intimacy, I love it. BUT I must have a connection, a trust with my partner. I must know him well.
“Sure, I have had sex on a first date with someone. I did it once and it was fun but didn’t last, he was a player.
“For me, on a regular first date with someone, sex will not happen. I would feel pressured. I have had numerous first dates when I did not have sex and never heard from them again. In a fact that is very telling, they were not interested in anything else. Good-bye, user.”
Norma, “I am like Diane, I look forward to your newsletters on Friday. I like people and enjoy hearing stories of their lives, as it is real, not just some movie.
“I am not involved with anyone, so this had not crossed my mind. I just wanted to tell you, it is a wonderful article, very well written and needed to be said. People need to be reminded of the dangers you pointed out.”
Pat, “I thoroughly enjoyed the first-date subject. I agree with you entirely. If you want to ‘Dance’ and thoroughly understand the ramifications you outlined, then go for it. However, it wouldn’t be my choice.”
Teresa, “Great topic — ‘The Dance.’ I suggest that Diane look at her online profile again to see if there is anything there that indicates she is primarily interested in ‘dancing.’ Years ago, I tried online dating and ladies kept answering my post. I’m heterosexual so couldn’t figure out why I was attracting women.
“As it turns out, somewhere in my profile I had inadvertently checked the box that said I was interested in same-gender partners. Go figure! In her case, Diane’s friend, and son (who set up her profile) might have accidentally checked a box or implied that Diane is looking for a ‘dancing partner.’
“Also, three out of four guys that I met with just wanted sex. I don’t understand why they go to online dating for that. Is it because sex is free that way? I am certain that all men know they can go to a massage parlor, go online, or go to almost any bar (from a dive to the most upscale) and there are ladies working there who will instantly provide sex if men are willing to open their wallets. It baffles me that someone would go through the torture of online dating just for a roll in the hay. Sorry if this topic made you uncomfortable. ‘Men are from Mars.’”
Laurie Jo, “I signed up on a lot of online dating sites after my divorce. I had been married for 30 years. I went on many dates of all types. Met for coffee, drinks, dinner, etc.
Not ONCE did anybody ask me to come over for sex. I think I am attractive and self-sufficient and own my own home. So, I’d like to think that perhaps I was fortunate that the people I dated were polite gentlemen.
“I met, dated, and still have a relationship with my boyfriend. And I didn’t let him do anything but kiss and hug me until he declared his love for me and wanted to be exclusive.
“If I’m ‘old-fashioned, that’s fine. We have been together living apart for six years and it seems to work well for us. Don’t dirty dance until YOU are comfortable with a person!”
S, “No. I have to love the person I’m lovin.’”
Thyrza, “So dance is the euphemism for sex? Huh! I am with you; Dance is for the youngsters who don’t know any better. For an over-60 woman, that’s being irresponsible and reckless. Leave ‘the dance’ to the kids who do not know any better. I suggest she see her gynecologist first.”
Barb, “Re, ‘The dance’ person. I had decided to stop in Chicago on my way back from visiting my son and spend the day with a man. We had been in contact and had had several phone conversations. About two minutes after I got in his car, he said; ‘I just got my results from the VA, and I’m clean.’ It took me a minute, and then it hit me. I said, ‘If you’re thinking that’s what we’re doing you can take me back to the airport NOW!
“He said, ‘No, we’ll find other things to do. We did. I got a tour of the city, Lake Michigan, etc., and best of all a miracle healing. YUP. I had been on crutches and in a cast for about 12 years due to nerve damage from severe osteomyelitis and many surgeries.
“I got my cast off the next day, at my doctor’s appointment, the leg color was normal I put the crutches away, put a shoe on, and was walking. Something I was told I’d never do again.
“We had visited a place where I later learned miracles had occurred! He and I still email, message, and chat weekly.”
Jackie, “I would never give a guy a second moment if he only had one thing on his mind. I want to be made special, not an object for sex. Love says wait, lust says I want it now. I go a bit farther. Wait until you’re married. There is so much intimacy in getting to know a person.
Sue, “Interesting that men are calling women after a first date to come over for sex. Years ago, it was come over and see my ‘new car,’ ‘record collection,’ ‘paintings,’ or ‘etchings.’
“Now the wording is just more explicit. There will always be lots of decisions to make in relationships”.
Crislinn, “Wow! I’m surprised that nine out of ten women would say it’s okay to have sex on the first date. Your suggested reply to those requests was perfect!”
Ticia, “I know for me deep down it would be nice to enjoy life with another person but for now, I am content with my singleness. I may go back to online dating but for now, I am going it alone with just me and my sweet dogs.”
Mo, “I am that one in 10 women who says NO to sex on a first date. I agree with all the reasons you state. I want to get to know someone first. I don’t want an STD. I want to see if we are compatible in other areas: do we have common interests, values?
“Are we both looking for the same thing in a relationship? Only sex? (then go for it!). Just friendship? A travel buddy? Companion? A long-term commitment (then wait at least for a couple of dates for sex).
“A man who is interested in you and not just for sex, will want to get to know you also and respect your decision and boundaries.”
Joanne, “This newsletter is pushing my memories to great lengths – Coming from Michigan, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. When I went the first time it was incredible. The marriage wasn’t a good one so when I got to Hawaii, I thought I had died and gone to Heaven. I met Don Ho and was impressed – except I didn’t want to sleep with him or anyone else I had just met.
“Since I’ve always been very fair, I’m sure that had something to do with it. They call me Haole with blue eyes (white person from the Mainland Ha Ha). The tour director took an interest in me. He was 20 yrs. older.
“Turns out we did become friends and he would send me money for flights to go visit from California. He had been an entertainer before becoming a tour director. He knew a lot of people and introduced me to a lot of those people. I did end up living on Maui for a couple of years. I agree 150%, don’t just ‘jump in bed before you get to know someone.’”
Rhonda, 73, “I loved what you wrote about not having sex on the first date. Glad you had the courage to put forth a more traditional view. I love reading your column every week. You’re such a good writer.”
Susie, 80, “I am with you, no sex on the first date. Of course, I seem to go the other way in waiting too long. I must be attracted to someone first to even think about The Dance. That doesn’t happen much for me.
“I would like to be in a relationship, but with someone who is a little younger than I so he will keep up with me, Most men my age don’t; I have taken good care of myself over the years, so I want someone who has done the same. He is difficult to find.”
Maria, “Thinking back, I’ve succumbed to first-date sex on occasion, but I was much younger then and in a different mindset! Sometimes the chemistry is right at the moment. I’ve had a history of getting “dumped” for someone else, so now as a sage and much older woman, I see it in a different light.
“I think all women have to be cautious, respect themselves first, and know who they are. If you’ve just met someone and it’s the first date, and he suggests a little frolic in the hay, that tells me right off who he is and more importantly, who he isn’t! Asking a man to respect a ‘getting to know you’ period, is asking for respect for who you are. If he can’t, move on–he’s just in it for sex.
“Many of us who are older are lonely, miss the tenderness and companionship, and, yes, miss the sex! But if you fall into that first-date sex trap, you are put in a vulnerable place and you realize later that you were taken advantage of, especially if you never hear from him again. I want a man to know me first. The idea of sex now (I’m 77) is very much a secondary thought, and frankly out of my realm of possibility. I’d happily settle for a long, meaningful friendship at this stage of life.
“I’m interested in what the men have to say, because all of this applies to them too, if roles were reversed.
“If you want a loving, sexual relationship as a mature person, take it slow, you still have time, but respect the one you are with.
“Build up to that wonderful moment of intimacy shared. It will be worth the time.”
What 8 men said (4 are married)
Joel, “Great points, Tom. I hope Diane accepts your advice. My own experience was shock and awe that women were so eager for sex. One woman friend, just an acquaintance, said to me, ‘If I’m not in bed by the third date, I’m outta there.’
“I had barely dated before I met my first wife and, 27 years later, at age 55, I became a slave to match.com having zero knowledge of what to do. It was a long learning journey.”
Larry #1, “Great and appropriate answer! I am sure she appreciated your answer, and I was surprised by the ‘9 out of 10’ reference.”
Terry #1, “The sex on a first date article reminds me of my gorgeous, and dear friend R, may she RIP. She believed in having sex on the first date. Her logic was if the sex is no good why would I want a second date. By the way, we only dated once.”
Bruce, “Interesting article, which made me think a little about when I was in between wives back in the early 2000’s I dated a lot, and rarely did I have sex on the first date or even expect so (maybe after the third, lol) on the few occasions I did. I kind of knew beforehand this was just a hook-up for that alone from the written conversations with the women before meeting.
“I totally agree that now you have to truly get to know someone first because of STD’s/scammers/even covid/ etc. Personally, I do not think it is necessarily wrong as time is short now but like you, I would caution against it”
Larry #2, “I think sex on the first date is a must if you are 90 or older! No time to waste!”
Art, “I agree with you that intimacy on the first date is not the norm with me or any of the friends I know. My experience is that a quick kiss goodnight is normal in most cases if we met at a restaurant and came in separate cars.
“On the second date, I usually pick the lady up in front of her home and usually park and talk at the end of the date in front of her home and walk her to the door. There may be extended kissing in the car, and a goodnight kiss in front of her door. It would be unusual to be invited inside after the second date, but not unheard of if we were dancing at the restaurant.
“The norm that I am familiar with is that after the third or fourth date we would sit on her sofa and become physically involved and then go to her bedroom. Thank you for bringing this subject up.”
Terry #2, “I’m 83 years young, have no wrinkles, walk eight miles a day, play pickleball, dance rock and roll like a madman, have a very active libido, and very much enjoy making love (which, BTW, is different than having sex).
“I’m a born-again Christian who believes in the sanctity of marriage. I’m okay with a kiss on a first date but do not favor hopping into bed. My preference would be waiting until marriage to make love but that is tricky these days because so many women I meet state they do not want to marry again.
“Living together is okay for some of them, just not marriage. I make no bones about my desire for a long-term relationship, which to me is preferably marriage. I’m for commitment. Many of the women I’ve met are not. In fact, being open and honest about my desire for a long-term relationship seems to drive most women away.
“I have not encountered nine out of 10 women who gave any signal that they wanted to hop into the sack.
“I have rambled on way too long. Just something about this newsletter that touched a nerve.”
Tom (not me, but a buddy), “When I read your article, I was laughing so hard I was crying. I told my wife that your comment about the man lacking class and character was a bit off. I think he was just being a guy.”
Comment from Tom to Tom: Today, we featured the comments of 33 Champs, 25 women and eight men.
The item questioned most by our Champs was the nine out of 10 of Diane’s women friends who told her to have a roll in the hay on date number one. Perhaps, she is hanging out with the wrong group of women.
Nine of 10 women are not in favor of sex on the first date. In fact, I think it’s a flip flop, 9 of 10 women say no to sex on the first date.
How about the guys? A few said, “Men are men, let it be.” I disagree with that as well. One guy said it because he is in the safety of being married to a bright, intelligent woman. Since he got married, he’s been in the dark about senior dating. I can say that since he’s been a buddy for 35 years. He’s been in the dark about all dating, in fact.
As I was reading and answering the responses, it occurred to me that instead of calling sex on the first date “The Dance,” maybe we should call it by a different dance name: “The Stroll.” Remember: “Feel so good….Baby, let’s go strolling. By the candy store.”
On Life and Love after 50 