Tom Blake – Columnist – On Life and Love after 50

A Senior Man’s first-date jitters

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
May 9, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

A senior man’s first-date jitters

Bill, a widower in his mid-70s, emailed me for guidance regarding an upcoming first date with a woman he met on Match.com.

I thought it might be interesting, particularly to our women Champs, to know what a man thinks about before and after a first date with a woman.

Bill wrote, “I met an attractive woman on Match.com. She’s 10 years younger. She and I agreed to meet for coffee at a location about halfway between where we live, a two-mile drive for each of us. From her profile picture, she is pretty. I’m a little nervous. Her name is Jackie.

“We talked over the phone and knew at least we had a good conversation before we got together. That is a must for first-date people!”

“Can you give me any advice?”

I replied, “Is this your first date since your wife passed away?”

Bill answered, “No, I’ve had a few dates, but I’m not exactly Joe Stud, you know. But I’d like to impress her.”

I said, “Relax, I can tell you are nervous. But that’s ok, after all, this could become your future mate. Just slow down and calm down.”

“It goes without saying to wear a clean shirt. Smile when you greet her and shake her hand. No hug or kiss when you first approach each other. Men tend to talk too much when they are nervous. Be sure you ask questions about her. Encourage her to talk. Make direct eye contact with her. Smile. Use first-date etiquette; actually, any date etiquette.”

Bill said, “Thanks, that will help me break the ice. I will talk for no more than 40 percent of the time and ask her questions. Her profile says she still works full time. I will let you know how it goes.”

A few days later, after his first date, Bill sent me an update. “It went okay with Jackie. She is pretty. Will we see each other again? Probably. It could happen, but I’m unsure. Frankly, it wasn’t a great connection. She didn’t ask me many questions. I’m 6’ 1; she’s 5’6”—so that works for me. Not too tall and not too short.

“You kind of know if a woman is very interested, somewhat interested or not interested in you. She is somewhat only. But who knows for sure?

“She is divorced and didn’t talk about her ex at all. When I mentioned my wife, this woman sort of felt bad but had no questions about me. When I talked about my interests, the conversation didn’t go very far, but we stayed with her interests and travels.

“It possibly could go somewhere, but I didn’t think she appreciated the breakfast sandwich and beverage because I would have liked a nice thank you for my effort (liked she kind of expected me to pay and I guess that’s ok.)

“She steered away from future plans. I didn’t ask if she wanted to get together again or make any future plans.

“We didn’t get into politics and talked about schools, kids and travel. I probably could have gotten a little more personal and asked what she thought of me. But I don’t want any rejection. We talked for over an hour, so it was going ok, but probably not a strong connection.

“So where does this go? I’m not sure and I’m not clear about my feelings. I could reach out again, but I may leave the ball in her court for her to reach out to me if she is interested enough. So maybe I will ghost her or send her a text in a week to see how she is doing.

“I mentioned a few ideas about walking together on a hike near the beach or something and got no response on any idea she might have to do something. So, no, the date success wasn’t 100%, but more like 35%.

“At the end, I gave her a small hug, but she wasn’t responsive. So, it left me thinking, ‘Do I want to pursue her anymore?’ Maybe there would be too much work involved. She still works and seems busy. Perhaps some of my thoughts may help her. I want some kind of gratification or some kind of future interest to make me think that she and I want a relationship.

“Oh yes, I said at the very end, ‘Do you prefer a text or a call? She said ‘either.’ So, she could be still in it, but not who knows? Maybe it’s me because of my feelings. I don’t need to start chasing or try to create a fun experience. I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere.”

Tom’s Comment: So that’s how a nice gentleman feels. If there’s any message in Bill’s story for women, it’s that if you like a guy like Bill on a first date, be a little more assertive, showing affection like a kiss on the cheek and saying, “Let’s get together again.” And ask him more questions. However, what Jackie did may indicate that she doesn’t want to proceed seeing him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Senior dating sure has its challenges.

Is 83 too old to date?

Sea of Photos

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 9, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

In last week’s eNewsletter, Scott, a man in his 50s, asked if he should be concerned when he saw “My True Love” on his widowed girlfriend’s cell phone. It was her deceased husband’s number. Several Champs shared their opinions.

Jane emailed, “My first thought when I read this was what a sweet response the woman gave to Scott when he saw ‘My True Love’ on her cellphone, describing her husband before he passed away.

“She could have said, ‘Yes, he was my only true love’ but instead she said, ‘I’ll have to come up with another name for you.’

“I am a very nick-name-kind-of-person. Giving someone a special name to me means they are loved and have a place in my heart.

“I hope Scott can get past his insecurity. His woman sounds like a keeper.”

Tom’s comment: Jane makes a strong point about nicknames and affectionate terms we create for people we love and care about. I use “Speedo” as Debbie’s nickname, and she uses “Myrtle” as my nickname. Always stated with a smile.

Alicia, “At my age, 72, it will not be surprising that I may come across this situation myself. It was a good refresher for me to see one of the responses you posted about my brother.

“Update on him: he and his 2nd wife were married for a couple of years and divorced. He continues to say he can’t wait to join his first wife in heaven and still cries for her.

“He is the type of man who doesn’t want to be alone, he has a new lady friend. It’s his life and I want him to be happy.

“She told him she was not interested in a serious relationship and wanted no physical benefits. He continues to do handyman favors for her and is willing to pay for trips and dinners. Well, at 74, he needs to live his life his way. He says she is fun to be around, so at least he’s enjoying himself.

Tom’s comment: “Trips and ongoing dinners with no benefits? I’m guessing but I imagine some of our men Champs, including me, won’t go for that arrangement. However, as men reach 70, some might accept the senior no-sex aspect.

Jim, “The reader in last week’s eNewsletter who stated ‘just move on’ probably had a divorce which is much different than having a spouse or mate pass away.

“Many widowed people usually think more about their past love than divorced people think about theirs.”

Leslie (name changed by request), emailed, “I dated a very nice widower after my divorce, whom I met on Match.com. He treated me well, was funny, and was very smart.

“But upon visiting his home he had a wall-to-wall shrine to his dearly departed wife. The focal point was a HUGE portrait of her, with smaller photos bedecking every flat surface.

“I. Just. Couldn’t. I understand his attachment. It must have been a horrible loss for him when she passed. But visiting him was a total immersion in a sea of photos, mementos, and ephemera.

Tom’s comment: I admit I had to look up the meaning of the word ephemera. It’s a noun meaning things like old papers, letters, and boxes that are meant to be used for only a short period and then can be tossed away.

Also, I liked Leslie’s “sea of photos” reference. It made me think of a 1958 hit song by Don Gibson, called “Sea of Heartbreak.” It’s an oldie but goodie, the link is below.

Leslie continued, “I quit seeing him because it was obvious that he needed more time to grieve for her. I have enough friends already. I wanted at least an available partner.

“He is not a “Match” for me, I’m afraid. I’m not saying that the place should be stripped of all evidence. But I AM saying that it takes a special person to be ok with dating in what is, essentially, a museum of constant reminders of how perfect this past spouse was. That’s great, but it’s not for me.”

Bruce, “I will always have some mementos of my deceased wife in my home for my kids to see, if for nothing else. It is what it is as far as I am concerned.”

Christine, (expert dating and relationship coach), “I have a divorced client who is dating a widower and saw a FB post that called his widow the love of his life, and my client called me before she said anything to him. I was sympathetic to how she felt. Non-widowed people often have this feeling.

“I explained ‘she isn’t here’ and ‘can’t come back’ (like her ex-husband) and confirmed how he treats her.

“We also talked about what a loving man he is to her and part of the reason is because he loved his late wife so much. She returned to the man and told him she adored how much he loved his late wife and how proud she was to be with a man who posted such a loving message to her on FB.”

Tom’s ending comments

We all grieve differently. Having photos and mementos of a deceased spouse or loved one is natural. Everyone I know who has lost a special person has photos and other memory items in his or her home.

When we start dating again, we will remove some of these items but not all. Potential new partners must be prepared for those items and accept them. Losing love can be a “Sea of Heartbreak.” And finding love again is a compromise on both sides of the fence.

However, as Leslie stated above, if the new person’s home is a shrine to their deceased love, they are likely not ready for anyone else to enter their life.

Link to Sea of Heartbreak:

Sea of Heartbreak

Serendipity

On Life and Love After 50 e-Newsletter – June 28 2024

Tom Blake – Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

The responses to last week’s SpaceX eNewsletter triggered unexpected memories and coincidences from my past that dumbfounded me. At the risk of boring you silly, I share them with you today.

Cheryl emailed, “I first wrote to you about meeting a former classmate at my # 40 high school reunion and how we married on the Big Island of Hawaii on New Year’s Eve 2001.

“In 2005, you invited us and other Champs to a Don Ho (Tiny Bubbles) concert at The Coach House in San Juan Capistrano. My husband Guy and I were 58. Guy was swarmed by women asking him for dating advice.”

Tom’s response to Cheryl. Don Ho’s manager in 2005 was Lou Robin, Johnny Cash’s former manager. (Johnny passed in 2003). Lou and I had been friends for 30 years. Minutes before the concert began, Lou came to our Champs’ table and asked me if I would introduce Do Ho to the audience.

I said “yes” even though I had never met Ho. I went on stage and winged it. When Ho came on stage, he treated me like his forever, long-lost friend. It was funny. Ho’s daughter Hoku, 24, (one of 10 children) sang beautifully that evening.

Cheryl sent a photo of herself and Guy at an antique car show that is included below.

Next, another email, this one from Ed, included a different color photo of the same SpaceX in the sky, arrived with the subject line, “Old Times.”

Ed wrote, “We saw the SpaceX launch Tuesday here in Tucson. Spectacular. It’s been 60 years since you and I met each other at the University of Michigan Business School. I grew up in Parma, Michigan and you were from nearby Jackson, so we had that in common.”

Tom’s comments: I was surprised and pleased. Imagine. Out of the blue after 60 years. I knew nothing about Ed’s life. I didn’t realize he became a Champ earlier this year. His list of accomplishments is staggering.

Peggy emailed, “I’m 70 and spent weeks decluttering my parents ‘stuff.’ I say GET RID of ‘stuff’ before you die. Your children will be much happier with you. I’ve now started to collect my own ‘stuff’ and making weekly trips to Restore is much more pleasant and a good feeling! I’m living in the mountains of Georgia now.

Her Georgia comment triggered a thought. I wrote back to Peggy: “Do you remember Wyche Fowler? He was a Congressman and US Senator from Georgia. And the Ambassador to Saudi Arabia. When you mentioned that you live in Georgia, it made me think of Wyche. Great guy. We were roommates in NYC in 1961 after we both graduated from college and went to work for big Wall Street banks.

I hadn’t been in touch with Wyche Fowler for several years. I sent him an email. He responded. We spoke on the phone this Tuesday. Wyche and his woman friend, Becky, have been together for nearly 29 years.

We didn’t talk politics. That’s one of the reasons why we’ve been friends for 63 years. Wyche and Becky are receiving today’s eNewsletter. They may share their story with us for a future column. Update July 31, 2024, Wyche and I emailed each other today. Topic: the upcoming presidential election.

Bonnie wrote, “I enjoyed the photo of the SpaceX contrail. My daughter-in-law’s sister works there and trains the astronauts. I am always interested in their news.” Tom’s response. Although Bonnie worked for the Victoria Station Restaurant chain, as I did, we didn’t know each other.

She’s been a Champ for many years. Her ‘astronauts’ mention struck a chord with me. I graduated from DePauw University in 1961. A Beta Theta Pi fraternity brother named Joe Allen became an astronaut.

I’ve had the picture of Joe and his astronaut crew members on my office wall since 1984. Joe made history while tethered outside the spacecraft. He retrieved a satellite from space and held it over his head during an orbit around the world and that satellite was brought back to earth.

I emailed Bonnie that information with the above picture included and copied Joe Allen and his brother David Allen on my email to Bonnie. Joe lives in Indiana; David in Kentucky. David called me on his cellphone and we spent nearly an hour reminiscing and catching up. Egad, 67 years of friendship.

And speaking of Victoria Station, Wil, one of my bartenders when I managed our Denver restaurant in 1971 responded to last week’s eNewsletter. Wil’s been a Champ for years. He lives in Hawaii and he’s happy he does. He thinks California drivers are insane. I agree with him.

On Friday, Wil emailed: “I’m at the airport in California heading home to Hawaii. I attended a high school wrestling reunion.” Wil’s a survivor. He survived throat cancer 14 years ago and had a stent installed in his neck artery 2 ½ years ago.

Four years ago, at age 72, he married for the first time. He and his wife Pua are pictured below.

Champ Grant wrote, “I thought you might be interested in this.” He attached a video titled “Ring of Fire,” written in 1962 by June Carter Cash. Of course, it’s about her falling in love with Johnny Cash, her husband to be.

The video was recorded live in 1968. It is an incredible piece of music. Carl Perkins and Marshall Grant are playing in the recording and sisters June, Anita, and Helen Carter are singing in the background.

I knew and worked with each one of them in the 1970s. The link is on YouTube Premium. I hope you can open it: (10) Johnny Cash & The Carter Family – Ring Of Fire (Live 1968) – YouTube

I met and worked with Johnny and June in 1975 and remained friends with them for nearly 28 years.

Champ Ellen, Seattle, emailed: “Starlink has been in the news recently. Google Starlink and Elon Musk and see what comes up. (Ellen wasn’t too pleased with what she read online).

She continued, “The Angels are playing the Mariners and there is an AARP block. I just may have to go. “Clutter is something I’m working on. I will have to downsize. I just turned 77. It’s hard to imagine how I got here, but fortunately, I’m healthy and singing in a choir with seniors. We do Rock and Roll.”

Tom’s comment: The reason Ellen mentioned baseball and singing is we met at the Anaheim Angels baseball stadium in the mid-1990s when she sang the National Anthem, and I was seated just a row or two behind her. After singing near the pitcher’s mound, she returned to her seat. I introduced myself and asked her for a date.

As I recall, she turned me down. But, we’ve been long-distance friends ever since.

Finally, filling out this emotional, happy memory week for me was a Facebook post by a Jackson, Michigan high school class of 1957 buddy David Dickinson who commented on the passing of baseball great Willie Mays last week at age 93.

David’s dad owned the Texaco Gas Station near our junior high school. I used to go there to buy candy in the late 1940s. I met Willie Mays at Candlestick Park on the infield when members from our Naval Base were hosted by the Giants in 1964. This week I dug into my archives in the garage and found this picture of Willie Mays shaking hands with our department head, with me behind Willie clasping my hands in awe.

The photo has been preserved perfectly. (See the photo below) Say Hey. What a week.

And one last item. Tuesday night, out of the blue, another pal from my 1957 high school class, Bruce Campbell, called me from Cincinnati. We talked for 25 minutes. He has eight great-grandchildren. I wonder why all of these memories arrived within a few days of each other. There must be an explanation.

Willie Mays-Candlestick Park 1994. Tom clasping hands on left

Champs Cheryl & Guy – vintage Jaquar at Dana Point Car Show

Champ Wil and Pua – Live in Hawaii – married 5 years

Overcoming Adversity

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

Overcoming Adversity

November 10, 2023

Tom Blake – Columnist

**The Dana West Yacht Club, Dana Point, California where Tom’s speech was held on November 7**. Photo by Tom Blake

Overcoming Adversity
In the three most recent eNewsletters, I mentioned I’d be making a presentation about the challenges of senior dating on Tuesday, November 7 2023. I was asked to speak by the Business Network Group (BNG) which has its monthly meetings at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point, California, the city in which I’ve lived for 37 years.

Because so many Champs (subscribers to my weekly eNewsletter) contacted me on November 8, the day after my talk, wondering how my presentation went, I decided to describe that rather unique and challenging experience in today’s column.

I started preparing my presentation a month before by attending the BNG October presentation to observe the seating layout of the club and the audio/video setup. I wanted to see if the previous month’s speaker used a PowerPoint presentation. He did, so I decided to do the same. (See the room in the photo above).

I’m not a professional speaker so I needed to prepare my material diligently. I spent hours at home designing and scripting my slides and testing them on my TV screen. Everything worked perfectly. I practiced several times. Plus, I was told an audio-video expert would be at the club to ensure all was in order.
I admit I was a bit nervous, 80 people had RSVP’d, including several Champs. I wanted to make them proud.

I arrived at the yacht club an hour and a half before my talk and connected my laptop to the large TV screen via an HDMI cord. My speech material didn’t appear, only local TV programs.

My friend from my grief share session, Jim Fallon arrived. Jim had agreed to advance the slides on my computer so I could walk among the crowd using a portable microphone. Jim was also puzzled by the big screen not working.

The first guest arrived. He was a Champ, Rick, who lives a mile from me. He said he was a widower. And then another Champ, Regina, arrived. I’ve known her for years. She’s the salt of the earth. I introduced them and they sat adjacent to each other on barstools. They seemed to enjoy chatting; I was pleased.

Back to the PowerPoint crisis. Garrett, the bartender, tried to help with the setup, but it wasn’t working properly. The promised audio/visual person wasn’t there.

When Pat Chiku, the president of BNG, arrived, I told her the big screen setup wasn’t working. She called the a/v man, and he came 16 minutes later. He spent 40 minutes fixing things. When my material appeared on the screen, five of the 22 slides had disappeared. He spent more time trying to recover those.

In the meantime, attendees were coming in. Many wanted to chat with me. I was a mess, concerned about the TV setup, yet wanting to be cordial.
The a/v man finally got the setup working. A huge relief for me. And he left. A few minutes later, as Jim and I were ensuring everything was in order, the system froze. I knew at that time I was going to have to wing it, with no PowerPoint. Luckily, I had made a 4 x 6 card for each slide, with just some words to remind me what to mention.

I knew I would have to overcome this adversity, put it in the rear-view mirror, and fire up and make it happen.

I was pleased when four women, also from Jim and my grief share group arrived and sat in the seats Jim and I had reserved for them at our table. They were Patty, Gina, Michelle and Tracy. In total, there are seven of us who met via grief share and have become pals and do fun social activities together. Only Katie was not there, having other commitments.

Another friend, Champ Mike Stipher, a co-worker with me at the Victoria Station Restaurant chain from the 1970s, arrived. Mike, who has been supportive and a great listener and advisor, during my grief moments over the last 12 months, took a seat at our table as well.

Then Champ Gail sent a text. She was driving from Bishop, in the Sierra Mountains, 5-6 hours away. Her text read, “Stuck in traffic, I will be late.” Oh wow, another thing to worry about. We reserved a chair for her.
And then Champ Lady Hummingbird texted, wanting some directions. I texted that we had saved her a seat.

Champs kept arriving. Margaret and Jean got good seats. The place was getting full. The first couple still appeared to be enjoying each other.
And then a woman named Erika came in. She had previously paid for three of my books she was getting for her 59-year-old son who had decided to try to find a girlfriend.

I had signed the books for him at home beforehand, knowing time would be of the essence. She had mistakenly come to the club the week before and found it locked. She jokingly told me she had suffered a “senior moment.”

At 6 p.m., Pat introduced me. I thanked her for planning the presentation on a Tuesday night, and not on a Thursday night, so our attendees wouldn’t miss any of The Golden Bachelor program. People laughed.

Earlier in the day, I had gone to a local florist and purchased two long-stemmed red roses that were hidden in a cooler I brought with me. Later, I called Pat and her assistant Candy to the area where all could see them and had Jim remove the roses from the cooler. I presented a rose to each woman ala The Golden Bachelor, as an acknowledgment for their hard work in putting the night together. That got a big round of applause and me hugs from the two women.
Senior Dating – Make A List
The audience participated as I intermingled with the crowd with a microphone in one hand and my slide notes in the other. When I suggested that singles, before starting to date, make a written list of qualities wanted in a mate, one woman shouted out, “At the top of my list, the man must be breathing.” That brought a chuckle from folks.

The ratio of women to men in attendance was an estimated 8 to 1. About the same for people in their 70s and 80s who are trying to date.

When I was talking about first-date etiquette, another Mike, who was seated with three women at a table, very loudly shouted, “The four of us want to know when people should talk about sex.” (I think they’d had a couple of cocktails by then).

I replied, “For heaven’s sake, not on the first date!”

A woman nearby shook her head, and mumbled, “At my age, who needs sex at all?” I decided to avoid any further discussion on the touchy subject of senior sex and switched to the next topic, online dating.

However, the importance of chemistry, i.e., physical attraction, was a topic. More than half the crowd raised their hands when I asked if that was important to them. My grief-share friend Patty called chemistry “zing.”

In the Q&A session at the end, I was surprised that many in attendance were unfamiliar with the acronym “LAT.” I explained that LAT stands for a living apart together relationship and it seems to be emerging more and more among single seniors.

By the end of the evening, it appeared that six people might potentially become three couples. That warmed my heart.

Several people told me I probably did better without the PowerPoint aspect.
Later, Patty texted our 7-member grief share group, saying, “Tom took control through the chaos of the system like a ROCK STAR!!”

Holy cow, I appreciated Patty’s comment.

I was surprised that no one raised the question of whether I had met anyone online or elsewhere whom I was seeing exclusively. But two women privately asked me that question.

I said, “Yes.”

One said, “Is she here tonight incognito?”

I said, “No. She’s not here tonight. She’s a ‘PGF’ and a MFT.”

“What are those?” A woman asked.

I said, “A PGF is a Phantom Girl Friend. An MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist. She’s ill, caught a virus, and is devastated that she couldn’t be here to meet many of you. There will be another time to meet her when she’s feeling better.”

Here’s a lesson from today’s eNewsletter: Adversity is often the seed of opportunity. It’s what a person does with that opportunity that will determine if he or she will grow and benefit from it. It all depends on how they tackle it.

Thanks for being Champs. You are all special to me. Together, we made it happen on November 7, 2023

From The Senior Dating Mailbag

Tom Blake Columnist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

September 15, 2023

From the Senior Dating Mailbag

Today, I feel a bit like Bob Dylan, with words from his song, “Like A Rolling Stone,” one of the most classic songs of all time. Namely, the words, “How does it feel, to be on your own, with not direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone.” (see link below).

In other words, today’s newsletter isn’t just focused on one topic or one direction—no dogs and senior dating, no animals in senior dating, no ghosting stories, no double-whammy events—just some items that arrived in the mailbag, as famous San Francisco Chronicle columnist, Herb Caen, used to call some of his columns. Simply, “From The Mailbag.” So here we go.

Maggie, “I don’t date anymore because I’m convinced there’s a wave of divorces about to hit the market and I can get a pre-trained one for a real bargain.”

Rhonda emailed, “I am a widow. My husband of 38 years died in December 2007 of lung cancer. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I have three children, a daughter aged 50, and two sons, ages 47 and 43. They are decent and hard-working people and lead full and busy lives.

“Am I looking for a mate? Yes, but not very hard. My attitude has been that if the right person falls in my lap, I would probably be pleased. At least my attitude is almost that bad. Yes, I know you’ve warned about that attitude in your column several times and you are probably right. I just don’t like the idea of meeting someone online.”

Tom’s comment to Rhonda: What I’ve said is people rarely have the right person fall into their lap. I encourage senior singles to get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in activities they enjoy. Senior social interaction is important for seniors, especially their health.

And when out and about, singles should be assertive and willing to say hello to strangers who appeal to them. Notice, I did not say aggressive.

I feel one of the best ways to meet someone is still the old-fashioned way, senior dating networking through friends, family, co-workers, and nearly anyone you meet. A woman can say to a man she sees, “I’m single. Do you have any single male friends who are about my age?” And men can say the same, “Do you have any single women friends…” Who knows? The person may respond by saying, “I’m single. Would you like to have coffee?”

And Rhonda, online dating is a personal choice. I’ve done it for about six months now on Match.com, and because Champ Bruce in Ohio suggested I try a site called Zoosk, I’ve been on there as well. I’ve met many nice women who I would not have met otherwise. Who knows? Will someone be the one from one of those sites? Perhaps. I think there is a strong chance of that happening. While there are many issues and considerations and cautions with online dating, it did give me hope as I emerged from the fog of loss.

And as many single Champs know, a bit of hope in a lonely single existence can lift one’s spirits.

I admit that I have taken a hiatus from those sites. Why? I just need to catch my breath. I’m fortunate to have male friends I spend time with and can talk to openly as some of them are in similar situations as I.

And while mentioning online dating, I was interviewed on a podcast this week with the founder, Bela, of the Smart Dating Academy, an online dating advisory service. We were discussing how to reduce disappointing first dates due to misleading photos or personality differences. She suggests people do two or three video chats with a potential date before meeting in person. She suggested Google Meet, a free app that people can use. I think that’s a great idea.

Of course, both people must agree to the pre-first date video. If a person is unwilling to do that, that would be a red flag.

She said people can discover if they have a connection and attraction for each other via the videos. If they do not, they save time and possible embarrassment without even leaving their homes. I will let you know when my recorded podcast interview will air in the future.

Champ John emailed, “Relationship coach Christine Baumgartner’s advice in a recent eNewsletter that treating your human partner as well as you treat your pets is some of the best reader advice I’ve seen in your eNewsletters. I’m going to have to keep that in mine.

Tom’s comment: Christine has been a Champ for years. She and Barry Selby have a weekly podcast about dating and relationship issues. Here’s a link to one of the recent informational emails she sent me.

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ik=c55b9a8fc7&view=pt&search=all&permthid=thread-f:1776778312015180910&simpl=msg-f:1776778312015180910

Phubbing

Another thing that has popped up recently in senior dating and marriages is a phenomenon called “phubbing.” What the heck is that you might ask? It’s when people prefer the company of their smartphones more than the company of their partners. It’s causing increased conflicts among couples. And research has discovered that phubbing negatively impacts intimacy.

One study revealed that almost 17 percent of women will interrupt intimacy to check their phone. Holy cow, that’s astounding. Can you imagine, during intimacy, the partner says, “Excuse me honey, I need to order a pizza.” Or “I forgot to call my friend Jane back so this will only take a minute.”

And now, social media even makes phubbing worse. Often people check their social media outlets multiple times each day. Studies fear phubbing will increase the divorce rate.

Cell phones are bad enough. We see improper cell phone usage all too often. We’ve all experienced when the traffic light turns green and the car in front of us doesn’t move because the person is texting or using their phone.

And, how about the people walking down a sidewalk who virtually run into you because they are only paying attention to their cell phones. I am tempted to say (and do under my breath often), “Get off your….ing cell phone.”

Also, what amazes me is when people walk across a street reading their cell phones and are oblivious to traffic that could hit them.

Don’t let phubbing ruin a first date. Turn off your phone and look at it later.

That’s it for this week. I need to check my phone messages. And I’m not even on a date.

Link to, Like A Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwOfCgkyEj0

Home alone with only dogs for company

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 18, 2023

By Tom Blake columnist

Home alone with only dogs for company

People often ask where I learned to write, expecting to hear a reply like “At journalism school.” Or, they ask, “Have you always been a writer?”
I reply: “No journalism school. No formal writing classes, self-taught, and prompted by an unanticipated Christmas holiday event.

In 1993, I was in Santa Rosa, California, visiting my 82-year-old mom, as I did every Christmas holiday, and at least once a month. Santa Rosa is a nine-hour drive from Dana Point where I lived then.

My wife of six years, and her two boys, said they wanted me to have alone time with Mom so they opted to not join me on the trip.

I telephoned home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no one answered. I thought that was strange, as I was unaware of any plans they had made.

On the morning after Christmas, Mom and I were having breakfast at her home. The phone rang. I answered. It was my wife calling.

She said, “Hi honey. We had a great Christmas. I’ve been busy at work. The weather’s been wonderful, and we moved out.”

A bit stunned to say the least, I said, “What do you mean you moved out?” Mom heard my seven words, and her hackles went up.

My wife replied, “Just wanted to let you know. Gotta go. Everything’s fine.” And she hung up.

I hugged Mom goodbye and proceeded to drive back to Dana Point. I didn’t know it at the time, but that nine-hour drive was the start of my writing career.

Why? I had a notepad on my lap. A million thoughts went through my mind. I reminded myself to not be a distracted driver.

As best I could, I jotted down my thoughts. A word here, a word there. Short, incomplete sentences. The first item: What about my dogs, Amy and Kira? Were they gone? Were they still there? Had they been fed or left with water?

The next item: Why did she do it without us discussing it first? By the trip’s end, I had a mishmash of notes on the notepad.

When I pulled into the garage, my dogs barked. They were okay, nothing else mattered, at least at that moment.

My wife and her boys had taken what furniture and household items they wanted and didn’t leave much. I described that in the notepad, which became the start of a diary. I was puzzled, perplexed, and pissed.

A month later, while serving sandwiches during lunchtime at Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point, California, deli, in front of customers and employees, I was served with divorce papers! And, as I was doing every night, I went home and jotted down my thoughts in what then had become sort of a woe-is-me diary.

In two months, the divorce was final. Shortly after the divorce, at age 54, I decided to start dating again, thinking I’d be king of the hill, because lots of single women came to the deli. But those women didn’t want to date a broken man in his early 50s.

Oh my gosh, reality hit harder than I had ever imagined. As I sat on barstools at Brio, Hennessey’s, and other local singles’ hangouts, I’d add the dating misadventures into the diary. Sitting on barstools, I honed my writing skills.
After five months, I converted the notes from the diary into a short story. I edited the material 25 times. It was about 75 pages. I thought I could get the story published.

I sent query letters to The New York Times, LA Times, Playboy Magazine and Esquire. No response. The Orange County Register recommended I contact the Dana Point News, the Register’s community paper in Dana Point.

After reading my short story, the two women editors—Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn–agreed to an in-person meeting.“What do you have in mind?” They asked.

I had no idea, so I just blurted out, “Maybe I could do a dating-after-50 column from a man’s point of view whose wife dumped him at age 54 and he’s trying to date.”

They said, “That’s what we were thinking. You are whining and complaining so much about the cost of dating, and being rejected by all sorts of women, including younger women, we feel the single, middle-aged women of Orange County will have a field day reading your male point of view articles.”

My column was titled, “Middle Aged and Dating Again.”

The first newspaper article was called, “Home alone, with only dogs for Company.” It appeared July 7, 1994–29 years ago–in the South County Lifestyles section of four Orange County Register community newspapers.

Sherrie and Dixie were right about the vitriolic responses from women.

The first comment was, “Who is this sniveling puke?”

The second: “Get the boy a crying towel.”

And the third: “He complains that younger women won’t go out with him. It’s a wonder any woman will go out with him.”

Welcome to the 1994 dating trenches, Tom.

Soon the column appeared in 10 OC Register community papers. And then for eight years, it was also in the Register itself, the nation’s 20^th largest newspaper, as well as the community papers. Opportunity had arisen from adversity. The unexpected move-out by my wife turned out to be a blessing in my life.

Eleven years ago, in 2012, I was fortunate to join the team at Picket Fence Media—the publishers of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch. My column title, “Finding Love After 50.”

I learned last week that Picket Fence Media has been sold to the Times Media Group, a collection of 29 newspapers in Arizona and around Los Angeles.
My publisher told me that the new owners want me to keep writing my columns. There’s a chance that my column might be included in even more newspapers. I hope so.

The number of columns and eNewsletters written in 29 years is approaching 4,600.

Why was that divorce 29 years ago the best thing that ever happened to me? It launched a writing career that has been more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. It brought appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.

And more importantly, it opened the door for me to meet Greta, a partner with whom I shared so many incredible experiences in the 25 years we were together before she passed away last October.

And now it’s back to being single. And because of you Champs, I realize I am not alone in trying to find a new direction and maybe be fortunate again to find a mate. We’ve got lots of Champs who are widows, widowers, never-married, and divorced people who have suffered a hell of a lot more adversity than I have. Many are grieving now.

Please hug them, listen to them, and be friends with them. There’s a huge cloud of emptiness and loneliness around them, which I can relate to.

Have things changed on the dating scene in 29 years? Not much, except now there is online dating with romance scammers on every Internet dating site. Plus, now, instead of focusing on dating after 50, the focus includes dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—hard to meet someone compatible. And as we age, women tell me there aren’t enough men.

For those who have suffered a major setback in life, try–as hard as it is currently for you–to include social interaction in your routines.
Join groups, help each other, give lots of hugs, and be thankful for life. Look for that seed of opportunity to soothe the pain. It’s out there somewhere, you just need to keep an eye out for it.

Have a purpose in life, whether it’s volunteering, gardening, sewing, joining a book club, or enjoying your friends and family.

And pray for the people of Hawaii, especially the people of Maui.

Thanks to you women and men Champs for being so important and special in my life.

Senior dating: Who Pays for the Date?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
August 11, 2023?
Who Pays for The Senior Date By Columnist Tom Blake

Who pays for the senior date?
The man, the woman or do they share?

An email from a long-time Champ inspired today’s eNewsletter.

Cheryl wrote, “I’m 68 and gave up on dating, especially online, because I was getting a lot of overseas scammers and I also experienced a group of men who were classless, meaning, they were cheap.
“I don’t need anyone to pay my way, but in my life, I’ve experienced people who have the means to treat me to the niceties of life and were happy to do it.

“I’m always surprised that women say if a man pays for dinner, the men expect something else, (like a roll in the hay)-so crass. I’m not sure what to think about men who don’t at least buy a drink or a light meal that might make a nice impression. If they don’t, am I to think they might be frugal and the rest of my life with them will be lacking in the things that I enjoy?”

Tom’s response to Cheryl: “I always pay. Sometimes a woman will strongly insist she pays for her own expense on the first date. And if I don’t let her, she will be offended so I let her. However, I’m old-fashioned, I’m very casual when the bill arrives. I’ll break her hand if she reaches for it. That’s how my parents raised me.

Cheryl responded, “I’m glad you shared with me that you pay. I’m not a feminist and also have old-fashioned values even though I have been a businesswoman and savvy real estate and stock investor (only saying this because some of us women are financially stable and not looking to take advantage of men). I guess there’s a group out there who ruins things for everyone.”

This “Who Pays for the Date?” issue has been a concern in senior dating for years. In fact, I wrote and published an ebook titled, “Who Pays for the Date?” in 2009.

In thinking about Cheryl’s “Who Pays” question this week, I went to Smashwords, my online ebook bookstore (the second largest ebook bookstore in the world after Amazon.com), and reread my book.

Humbly I say, it’s a wonderfully entertaining 16-page book and right on the money (pun not intended). Very little has changed in 14 years. I’m offering it to you Champs today for $1.99 (remember it’s an ebook, not a printed book). Most of what I wrote still applies today. See the link to the book at the end of today’s eNewsletter. Here’s a short excerpt from my 2009 book about my personal friend Buddy.

“Since Bobby and the woman were meeting in her neck of the woods, 15 miles from where he lived, he asked her to select the restaurant where they would meet. This was Buddy’s first mistake; he was no longer in control of where he’d be spending his money on a woman he’d never met.
“Early the next morning after their first date, the e-mails started flying my way. Buddy wrote, ‘Nicki has expensive tastes! I would have preferred a coffee shop, but what could I do after I was at the expensive restaurant?’”

Lesson learned. Buddy was foolish for asking Nicki to pick the meeting place. Since he initiated the date, he should have taken control and suggested coffee in a less expensive place. When men are paying for a first date, they shouldn’t give the woman carte blanche to choose where to meet. If a woman offers to pick the place, the man should say, “Thanks for the offer, but I want our date to be special, so I’ll choose the place.”

Champ Jim said, “I think men should pick up the tab on the first few dates and share the costs occasionally after–if the women financially are capable to help. The women don’t need to pick up the bill but going Dutch or at least offering to pay is a start. Some women expect the man to pay it always and never offer to help.”

Tom’s comment: Two weeks ago, I agreed to meet a woman who lived 30 miles away. I was going to her city on another project so I figured I’d multi-task: complete my project and meet a nice new person I’d met online. We agreed on 3:30 p.m. for coffee in her city. I asked her to choose the meeting location. She mentioned a restaurant. I didn’t check on it online, but soon found out it was an elegant, high-class, expensive French restaurant.

My drive to meet her, which normally takes a half hour, took two hours due to traffic problems. So, I needed a glass of wine, not coffee. When I got to the restaurant, I was seated outside at a patio dining table. The woman arrived a few minutes later. Instead of coffee, we each ordered a glass of wine.

Since the restaurant was empty, a waiter kept bugging us about ordering appetizers or an early dinner. I wasn’t hungry; she was. She ordered dinner, fresh sea bass, caught locally. I had a Gazpacho appetizer: $14.00. The bill for our wine, her dinner, my soup, and the tip was $162.43. I paid without batting an eye but cursed at myself for letting this happen.

Lesson learned. Going forward, I will designate the place and that our first date is for “coffee only.”

Three days later, I met a nice woman at a coffee shop near my home. When I got there, she had already bought and paid for her coffee. I got a coffee for me: $3.29. We had a delightful time.

Also in 2009, I was a columnist for The Orange County Register. I quoted an article I had read titled, “Courting Costs Are Yours, Too, Ladies,” by humor columnist Amy Alkon(www.advicegoddess.com). Amy wrote: “If a woman considers herself a man’s equal, her equality shouldn’t evaporate when the check comes. The point here isn’t calculating each person’s outlay to the bent dime. Just that dating shouldn’t send men to the bankruptcy court and women to the mall.”

In that column, I added, “Men want to see a little jingle come from the woman’s purse to help contribute to the exorbitant cost of dating.”

Tom’s 5 tips in 2023 on who should pay for the senior date

1 On a first date, the man should almost always pay. No matter if the woman wants to pay her half. However, the man should designate the place to meet and the time, and always specify, “coffee,’ whether he or she drinks it or not. Optional: tea. And the man should designate the place if he initiated the date.

2 On the second date, the man should also pay. UNLESS she suggests a pricey outing. If that’s the case, I feel the man needs to step forward and say something like, “That’s a bit out of my budget. I just paid my daughter’s Harvard University tuition and I’m on a tight budget now” (or some similar flimsy excuse).

3 If two seniors become a couple, on the third date and going forward, a discussion on “Who Pays?” needs to happen soon. This is where love, understanding, caring, and sharing enter the picture. Communication takes over, a key to senior relationship success.

4 When the woman is more comfortable financially than the man, they need to lay the cards on the table and work out an amenable arrangement. This is where fairness and a willingness to compromise enter the scene. And that may enhance the longevity of the senior relationship.

5 If he always pays, she can equalize things by cooking him dinner at home.

Link to Smashwords, the eBook bookstore:

Link to Who Pays for the senior date?

Senior Sex and Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 28, 2022

18 Responses to Senior Sex and Commitment By Columnist Tom Blake

  18 responses to last week’s sex and commitment eNewsletter Editor alert:

This is the longest eNewsletter I’ve ever written, thanks to the sage comments from our Champs regarding senior sex and commitment. And senior sex and intimacy. Be sure you read the final response from an anonymous man. He hit the winning home run, during this, World Series week.

Today’s eNewsletter features 18 responses (12 from women, six from men). The ratio of women to men responding was two-to-one, dramatically more favorable than the dreaded senior dating ratio of seven-to-one mentioned last week. What women said Joanie emailed, “I think an 81-year-old man in good shape should advertise himself as an ‘escort’ (be healthy, stay in shape, look good, dress well, and smell good).

“Many single women have events and dinners to attend and need an escort but not a relationship. A man, by escorting, is doing community service without commitment. He’s getting to know the women and will eventually find one that is compatible.

“When he is the escort, the woman pays for everything, even if she wants a traveling companion, she pays. I saw a TV program about two older men in Palm Beach, Florida who were doing this.

“In this way, everyone gets what they want, and the man will eventually meet a true partner. Dating for oldsters is hard because it has a potentially romantic connotation whereas escorting does not have that connotation.”

Carolyn said, “The sex factor constantly pops up in the dating scene. Like many women, I have decided to not date anymore. Sad but true. I have been disappointed so many times by men who think that if they take you out to dinner or the theatre, they are owed a roll in the hay!

“The last man I dated was wonderful to speak with and we had so many of the same interests. I thought that I finally found a wonderful guy. However, after the second date, he mentioned SEX! “Not a problem for me since I do enjoy it, but he thought it was appropriate to say we should try it first before we continued our relationship. I was shocked when he said, ‘You wouldn’t buy a car without trying it out, right?’ That was the end of the relationship.

“Now, I attend group functions, theatre, dancing, Zumba classes, and movies. I enjoy my single life! Still, fingers crossed in hoping to meet someone special!”

Linda: “Lots of women don’t like sex. They gave it up after the kids were raised. I’m 72 and have lots of lady friends my age who aren’t interested.

“Men want sex even if they are unable to perform. Some men can’t take Viagra or Cialis because of the cardiac medications they are on. Men also want someone who can cook and take care of the house. Some women don’t want to cook anymore. So, there are quite a few women who don’t want sex, don’t want to cook, and haven’t taken care of their bodies.”

“Women like myself, who like sex and don’t want to be with a nice guy who can’t have sex–and who just wants me to cook and clean for him–won’t work for me. With the 7:1 ratio, I have no problem finding a male interested in me in this 55-plus community where I live. I’d say I’m a more balanced older lady. I enjoy, sex, I’m a good cook, I’m social and good looking and I’m in good physical condition for my age.”

Gail, “Senior sex is a bitch. I wish I could have it as often as I want and not be affected by it. Unfortunately, as a widow, I realized I was not a carefree-sex person. I tried.

“Once sex came into the relationship, and the guy was not a committed BF, I tried to make it so. I did not like being that type of woman. So now, after two or three dates, I tell him that he is pressuring me for sex and I’m not on the same page.

“If he likes me, he’ll work to make it happen, so far, there have been none of those. Truly, why should he wait? I get it, there are seven or more women waiting.

“So, I enjoy my friends and activities and keep hoping I’ll find that single, great guy who wants a committed relationship with me and not just sex.”

Anonymous (woman), “I just read your newsletter and decided to comment…since it has to do with sex, something I used to love and do miss now.

“The last time I had sex with a man was in the summer of 2016. He was 53 with a youngish, still in-good-shaped body. I was 67… and not in the potato body shape, I have now. At that point, I had known him intimately for 14 years so casual sex was comfortable with him, and I had seen his body for 14 years, starting at age 39. Major attraction.

“I have found it difficult over my years of dating men age 60+ to feel any sexual attraction to these men. They are old and they are strangers. I was not one to have casual sex with men I had no loving feelings for.

“Men I have never seen naked when they were 30 and now at 75 or 85, I don’t want to see naked! At least not casually. I suppose if I dated someone (platonically) for a long period of time and fell in love, that would be a different feeling.

“I haven’t met that man yet-I don’t ‘fall’ easily. But these older men I have experienced, have been missing a spouse or long-term girlfriend and they just want to have sex.

“For me and maybe many women like me, thinking about dating and possibly having sex with a man in his 70s-80s is not appealing. Now we just want the companionship we would have had if we had aged for years with a husband. Like most men, I am a visual person and my senses including sight and smell either turn me on or off.”

Mariana, “I believe age 81 isn’t important. More important is a woman’s attitude, her style of dressing to be feminine and not to act like an old lady. Her chance will be much higher no matter how many women are out there, they mostly are not competition for this kind of woman.”

Laurie Jo, “Sex without a commitment is not for me. After divorcing my husband, I decided to have a sleepover with a nice man whom I found attractive. It wasn’t all that great, and I felt cheap and ‘icky’ the next day.

“I tried it and did not like it. If other people are ok with that sort of thing, more power to them. But for me? Absolutely not ever again.”

Marie, “When it comes to having sex, it’s been my experience that there is little difference in behavior between guys in their 70s and 80s and from how I remember them behaving in their late teens, 20s, 30s, etc.

“The difference with some older guys is that they come with a ton of emotional maturity and wisdom, but they all like to have sex. Women do too, although generally, they are more selective, and while they appreciate intimacy, they take longer to appreciate someone as a possible sexual partner.

“Most, not all women, also prefer some type of commitment. I think one 83-year-old guy whom I had just met summed it up well. He told me that he was sexually active, his plumbing worked, and he could do everything that he could do when he was younger, except that it took him a little longer to do so.

“What he failed to understand, is that if he had waited to tell me something so intimate, and actually taken the time to develop a friendship, I might actually have been interested.”

Susie, “I understand what Jerry from last week is talking about. I am the female version of him! I am 80 and still very interested in the sexual part of my life. Women say, ‘Why can’t you just be happy with a nice man’s company and forget about the sex part? You would have someone to go out to dinner with, travel with, and have great conversations with.’

“I say I am not dead yet but, for me finding someone that I am attracted to is a big problem! I am very active and look and act much younger than 80. I am not looking for marriage again, but I would like a partner in crime.”

Kattie, “This is why I have so much trouble finding someone, it’s not just small-town blues, or being on dating sites, or meeting in person. I’m 70, an attractive homebody but I like short excursions. What I’ve found over the last 20 years online and in general, about 70% of men ask very personal questions about sex and my body during the first conversation.

“They show pics without shirts from their 50s, 60s, and 70s and up. A total turn-off for me. I don’t need marriage, but I do need monogamy, no wondering about multiple women in my world.

“I need to get to know somebody. I will kiss cheeks. I remember a 2nd lunch date. He kissed me three times in the parking lot on the lips before I pushed him away. WTH. I feel a woman will initiate another kiss if she wants more; it must be mutual.

“I would have been good if he’d just given me time instead of pushing so hard so fast. He cut off the whole friendship. Then later he said he might have made a mistake. That was two years ago. I haven’t heard from him. No chance, no romance. It would be nice to be in an intimate/sexual relationship, but I won’t be rushed.”

S (woman), “I met this man who doesn’t date women over 40. Why? He said they’ve lost all ‘desire.’ He doesn’t want a relationship, merely sex. He’s a nice-looking man, 73, fit, and has all his hair and all his teeth.

“Sure, he can get the younger women now, but what happens in seven years when he’s 80? A 40-year-old isn’t going to want him! Guys, it’s important to build a relationship-the sex comes with it.”

Marjorie, “Such a conundrum. Jerry seems to think that one should be physical first, then emotional intimacy will follow. But the problem for many women who are looking for a long-term relationship is that emotional intimacy usually doesn’t follow, and these women are left wondering why the guy has disappeared after sex or a few dates.

“Or maybe they think, he’s not the guy I thought he was, and they lose interest. I think from the female viewpoint unless you just want many sex partners, one should be in a mutually exclusive committed relationship before embarking on sex.

“I know, probably unrealistic today. I would just say to people that if you are in a committed relationship, you are building sexual intimacy on a foundation of mutual respect and love. Otherwise, it feels more like you are just taking each other out for a test drive without an emotional connection.

“Most senior women have a good life with a circle of friends, family, and exciting activities. We don’t need a man who brings nothing to the table that we need or want.

“We want someone who makes our lives richer, more fun, and exciting, we want attentive loving lovers. Maybe he’s not that great of a lover. Or that great of a friend. It sounds like women may not be interested in taking Jerry for a test drive.”

“Yes, I am the Marjie who wrote to you previously about reconnecting with her college boyfriend after 46 years. We have been in an exclusive long-distance relationship (1300 miles apart) for the past 2 1/2 years. Through covid.

“We spent the past summer in Montana and this past week in Portland OR for a Who concert.”

What men said

Ken, Mobile, Alabama, emailed, “I must live in the only area in the whole country where there are so few single women over 60. I’m widowed and 64 and rarely meet a woman who is not married and over 55. Mobile is not a haven for single women over 55 but plenty of 35-55 ladies who are just too young for me!”

Army (Curtis) “I feel Jerry’s pain. If a woman has had to take care of a husband that has died with lingering issues, they don’t want to do that again.

“If they want to go out for fun, they will call a girlfriend. They shrug off the nice guys and keep picking the bad boys who cheat on them, or who verbally or physically abuse them. Then, they wonder why they always get the loser.

“These are the men they pick, always the same kind. Then, they finally give up dating. I go out on weekend nights and see tables of groups of women partying with themselves.”

Don, “As I’ve aged, my experience is that women become nonsexual at an earlier age than men. Despite cries of bias, men place more value on sex than women. This is true. It is uncomfortable to talk about. And just talking here makes me cringe.”

Art, Laguna Niguel, Calif. “I am 71, and relatively active. After being married for 48 years, I found myself suddenly single. The last two years have been ‘interesting,’ dealing with a divorce, moving twice, selling a house, buying, and remodeling a house, selling a business, and retiring just a few months ago, all complicated a bit by doing it during the pandemic.

“One of the things I have learned about myself over that period is that I enjoy life more being able to share the joys with someone else. I heard a quote attributed to the late golfer Tom Weiskopf: ‘You don’t want to walk the back nine alone.’

“So now I want to, ‘get back in the market.’ I have decided to try online dating, and the more I research the options, the more confusing it is. Based on your communication with your Champs over the years, do you have an opinion about which might be the preferred service for a guy my age who is looking for a serious, ‘forever’ relationship?

“The online sites all have advantages and disadvantages one doesn’t find about until you’re involved in the process for a while. Others’ experiences would be of value to me.

Bill, “Intimacy is a highly personal matter at any age. Acting responsibly with a partner is important. Sex drives vary greatly especially as we age. Being honest with your partner makes for both the best emotional and physical relationship.

“Some people might want multiple partners, but I think most seniors want monogamy and no one should risk transmitting sexual diseases. Great sex as one grows older can really enhance a relationship.”

And finally below, the sixth man to comment. His email describes a widower’s difficult decision to move on with life after losing his wife—the only woman he had ever been with. It’s one of the most poignant emails I’ve ever used in an eNewsletter. I think you’ll agree.

The 6^th man, “Here are my thoughts regarding your most recent eNewsletter but please do not use my real name as this is very personal and I’d prefer to remain anonymous.   “I’m in my early 60’s and widowed. My late wife and I were committed to each other since we were teenagers and married soon after college. Our relationship started so young, we were the only ones each of us had been intimate with and we loved and valued that bond. “As two people in love and with an active sex drive, it was difficult for us both when my wife’s illness prevented any kind of physical intimacy. But that was only one part of our relationship, and the other parts grew stronger to compensate. My love and commitment towards her were reason enough for me to put my sexual urges on the back burner as I focused on caring for her.

“After her passing, I knew there would be a time when I would resume being sexually active but had no idea when I would feel ready and when I would find a woman I was attracted to. Fast forward to today and I am now dating a wonderful woman.

“As you would expect from two healthy adults who are attracted to each other, we have become physically intimate. The attraction is not just physical but also emotional and we are dating exclusively. That required a certain amount of trust from us both since neither one of us is interested in casual sex and had only known each for a short time.

“We are both committed right now to the relationship and both hopeful it will work in the long term. At this point, I can’t say that I love her with all my heart, but we are close and from what I have seen it is very promising.

“At first this intimacy was difficult for me as I was feeling guilty and unfaithful even though I understood I was no longer married. I had always expected I would only have one sexual partner in my life and appreciated that idea, which is rare in the world. I will always love my late wife, but I have also come to realize that this does not prevent me from loving someone new.”

“For me, it was a physical attraction, and emotional closeness and trust, and a desire to become intimate with a woman again that allowed me to take the leap.  “Thank you for all you do to help those of us who are finding love after 50!”

Tom’s comment: Wow, Champs – men and women—during World Series week, you knocked it out of the park by stepping to the plate and opening your personal vaults on this sex with or without a commitment issue.

I imagine the above 18 Champs’ words will trigger even more responses. Heck, there might eventually be enough information for a book. Maybe we could call it, “Sex with or without a commitment during World Series week!

A widow says, “I’m okay without a spouse”

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter
September 29, 2022
by Tom Blake Columnist

A widow says, “I’m okay without a spouse”

This week, we share responses to last week’s eNewsletter, which featured Dee, a recent widow. Dee hoped that Champs would comment about what she should do with her wedding rings now that her husband is gone.

As the responses poured in, they reminded me of the poignant words from the song “Graceland,” a song written by singer/songwriter Paul Simon and released in November 1986 on the album of the same name.

The Graceland album won a 1988 Grammy for Album of the Year. Fifteen million albums were sold. The Graceland song is Simon’s favorite of all the songs he has written. The poignant words:

“Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you’re blown apart. Everybody sees the wind blow.”

(A link to the song Graceland is at the end of today’s column)

I think those words are some of the greatest love-lost-pain words in history. You’ll understand why the following sage responses from Champs made me think of them.

Vickey emailed, “Dee, you have my sympathy. To love deeply is to grieve deeply.

“I am a widow of 20 years. My advice is to not second guess your decisions about the ring. Wear it or not, it’s ok. I have traveled many miles since being widowed by losing my one and only husband. I do have a companion who in every way makes me complete.”

Kaitte, “Re the widow wedding ring issue, Dee, you need to do YOU for YOU. There is no law that says you can’t wear your rings till you are no longer here, and if anyone says something, simply walk away. They aren’t worth a comment unless you want to add, ‘Just widowed,’ and walk away. Same with the pictures. Don’t ALLOW anyone to tell you differently.”

Susie, “Dee’s letter was very sad. I was thinking that anyone who is going through anything at this stage of one’s life should exchange emails and get a group together and talk out some of our feelings; we might be able to help each other, what do you think of that Tom?”

Tom’s comment to Susie. There are many widow and widower groups in existence across the country. It would be easier, I think, to search online for those and join one near where you live. If a Champ wants to start a new one, I suggest that person start a Facebook page. If someone does that, I will be happy to mention it in a future column.

Also, one of our Champs is Christine Baumgartner, who is a relationship counselor and a widow. She is aware of several widow and widower groups. Her email address is christine@theperfectcatch.com if you’d care to reach out to her.

Dr. John (a family doctor), emailed, “Dee poses some interesting questions. Here’s my advice:

– Dee says she never wants to date again – well, maybe. She’s still grieving, it’s way too early to be sure. Also, quick ‘rebound romances’ tend to be a bad idea.

– Most men view widows favorably. After all, one of men’s’ biggest worries is divorce, which in the USA is mostly initiated by wives. Widowhood means the wife stayed with the husband to the end.  I had a patient two months ago who lost his job AND his wife (who divorced him), when he came down with cancer, which he beat. But then he got heart disease from one of the chemotherapy drugs he was given. She ‘didn’t want to be his nurse.’ That goes to show why men have a legitimate fear of women divorcing them.

– I’d suggest re: the widow wedding ring issue, she wear the wedding ring until/if she decides she’s ready for a new relationship.”

Virginia, “Life is short. Dee might benefit if she would consider going to some counseling sessions to help her put her feelings into perspective. While it’s normal to take time to grieve, sometimes a snag like an emotional quagmire can ruin the rest of a person’s life and she or he might need a little help to move on.

Dee is a survivor and has years ahead to enjoy the rest of her life. Maybe someone can suggest a good counselor or psychologist who could gently help her move on, so she doesn’t get bogged down with this and ruin her life.
“There are also some well-written self-help books on the stages of grief and how to recognize what she is going through that might help her.” (See Tom’s comment below for a book suggestion).

Joanie, “Dee should move the ring first to her right hand. Then to a nice chain with the ring on it to wear around the neck. Eventually, she might put the ring into a jewelry box.”

Carm, “Dee’s story reminded me of my Karen’s comment that the nearly five years we spent together were the happiest days of her life. Pancreatic cancer: Only an 8 or 9% survival rate.  “It also reminded me of the puzzlement I went through with our rings: I eventually taped them to the big mirror in my bedroom.”

Cynthia, “I just reread your newsletter about Dee the new widow. I feel her pain after she met Ron and her thinking it was her final marriage. I’ve been a widow for 7 1/2 years and I still have pictures of my husband all over my house because I enjoy seeing them and that brings me comfort. I don’t have any intention of moving them out!

“As far as her wedding ring, after a couple of years, I moved my wedding ring and my husband’s wedding band to my right hand. I wear his band all the time but when I’m going out, then sometimes I’ll add my diamond engagement ring. I enjoy wearing it and I don’t want to give it up so I understand Dee’s feelings totally.

“I think everybody has to figure out what works best for them and I know it’s really soon after his passing but I pray that Dee will take it slow.”

Sharon, “I have been a champ for 14+ years after my husband David passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2008. Dee’s story touched my heart about her wedding rings.

“What worked for me is that I took David’s wedding band and my wedding band and had a jeweler link them together. I bought a very nice gold chain and wore them around my neck for many years. Like Dee, wearing my wedding rings after David died felt different.

“I struggled with the fact that I wasn’t married anymore and those rings were a reminder of the 31-1/2 wonderful years that were now gone. I emphasize gone because I loved my life, being David’s wife, and the life, we had together.

“I did date for a couple of years after his death, but it was difficult because David and I had an autistic son who was 18 when David died. It was hard for me because I think I was looking for someone who would be family and most of the men I dated wanted a companion, not a grown child. I was a ‘packaged deal.’

“I didn’t like bringing different people into my son’s life. It was a challenging time for both he and I. It seemed so easy when I met David and trying online dating was hard for me. I finally decided about seven years ago that I didn’t really want to try dating anymore.

“I have a full life, job, family, good friends, our son Philip, and Special Olympics, and I just prayed that I would be content with the full life that I had. Sure, there are still times, that I wish I had a special someone, but I am so thankful that I am okay without a spouse.

“I joke with my friends, that my husband was such a good husband, father, and man, he made it impossible for someone to compete with that! Except now I have two dogs, and they are special!

“I hope Dee in time finds her way. Trust me, I know how hard it is to lose a spouse, but I take each day one at a time and try to remember each day how grateful I am.”

S, wrote: “To Dee: I wore my wedding ring for seven years after my divorce. Just didn’t feel right without it.”

Wayne, emailed, “The only problem I see with a woman wearing her late spouse’s wedding ring on her left hand is that it indicates she’s still married. Wearing it on her right hand is fine.

“I wear an old wedding ring on my right hand sometimes as it’s an attractive ring. I’ve asked a few women if that bothers them, and they’ve said it was fine. I respect a woman that isn’t afraid to occasionally mention her late husband in a loving way… he was a big part of her life and I see it as a sign of respect.

“Pictures around the house are fine; I prefer they be part of a family photo.”

Thanks, Champs. Not only have you helped Dee, but others–women and men–who are also dealing with being widowed or losing a significant other.