| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 28, 2022 18 Responses to Senior Sex and Commitment By Columnist Tom Blake |
| 18 responses to last week’s sex and commitment eNewsletter Editor alert: This is the longest eNewsletter I’ve ever written, thanks to the sage comments from our Champs regarding senior sex and commitment. And senior sex and intimacy. Be sure you read the final response from an anonymous man. He hit the winning home run, during this, World Series week. Today’s eNewsletter features 18 responses (12 from women, six from men). The ratio of women to men responding was two-to-one, dramatically more favorable than the dreaded senior dating ratio of seven-to-one mentioned last week. What women said Joanie emailed, “I think an 81-year-old man in good shape should advertise himself as an ‘escort’ (be healthy, stay in shape, look good, dress well, and smell good). “Many single women have events and dinners to attend and need an escort but not a relationship. A man, by escorting, is doing community service without commitment. He’s getting to know the women and will eventually find one that is compatible. “When he is the escort, the woman pays for everything, even if she wants a traveling companion, she pays. I saw a TV program about two older men in Palm Beach, Florida who were doing this. “In this way, everyone gets what they want, and the man will eventually meet a true partner. Dating for oldsters is hard because it has a potentially romantic connotation whereas escorting does not have that connotation.” Carolyn said, “The sex factor constantly pops up in the dating scene. Like many women, I have decided to not date anymore. Sad but true. I have been disappointed so many times by men who think that if they take you out to dinner or the theatre, they are owed a roll in the hay! “The last man I dated was wonderful to speak with and we had so many of the same interests. I thought that I finally found a wonderful guy. However, after the second date, he mentioned SEX! “Not a problem for me since I do enjoy it, but he thought it was appropriate to say we should try it first before we continued our relationship. I was shocked when he said, ‘You wouldn’t buy a car without trying it out, right?’ That was the end of the relationship. “Now, I attend group functions, theatre, dancing, Zumba classes, and movies. I enjoy my single life! Still, fingers crossed in hoping to meet someone special!” Linda: “Lots of women don’t like sex. They gave it up after the kids were raised. I’m 72 and have lots of lady friends my age who aren’t interested. “Men want sex even if they are unable to perform. Some men can’t take Viagra or Cialis because of the cardiac medications they are on. Men also want someone who can cook and take care of the house. Some women don’t want to cook anymore. So, there are quite a few women who don’t want sex, don’t want to cook, and haven’t taken care of their bodies.” “Women like myself, who like sex and don’t want to be with a nice guy who can’t have sex–and who just wants me to cook and clean for him–won’t work for me. With the 7:1 ratio, I have no problem finding a male interested in me in this 55-plus community where I live. I’d say I’m a more balanced older lady. I enjoy, sex, I’m a good cook, I’m social and good looking and I’m in good physical condition for my age.” Gail, “Senior sex is a bitch. I wish I could have it as often as I want and not be affected by it. Unfortunately, as a widow, I realized I was not a carefree-sex person. I tried. “Once sex came into the relationship, and the guy was not a committed BF, I tried to make it so. I did not like being that type of woman. So now, after two or three dates, I tell him that he is pressuring me for sex and I’m not on the same page. “If he likes me, he’ll work to make it happen, so far, there have been none of those. Truly, why should he wait? I get it, there are seven or more women waiting. “So, I enjoy my friends and activities and keep hoping I’ll find that single, great guy who wants a committed relationship with me and not just sex.” Anonymous (woman), “I just read your newsletter and decided to comment…since it has to do with sex, something I used to love and do miss now. “The last time I had sex with a man was in the summer of 2016. He was 53 with a youngish, still in-good-shaped body. I was 67… and not in the potato body shape, I have now. At that point, I had known him intimately for 14 years so casual sex was comfortable with him, and I had seen his body for 14 years, starting at age 39. Major attraction. “I have found it difficult over my years of dating men age 60+ to feel any sexual attraction to these men. They are old and they are strangers. I was not one to have casual sex with men I had no loving feelings for. “Men I have never seen naked when they were 30 and now at 75 or 85, I don’t want to see naked! At least not casually. I suppose if I dated someone (platonically) for a long period of time and fell in love, that would be a different feeling. “I haven’t met that man yet-I don’t ‘fall’ easily. But these older men I have experienced, have been missing a spouse or long-term girlfriend and they just want to have sex. “For me and maybe many women like me, thinking about dating and possibly having sex with a man in his 70s-80s is not appealing. Now we just want the companionship we would have had if we had aged for years with a husband. Like most men, I am a visual person and my senses including sight and smell either turn me on or off.” Mariana, “I believe age 81 isn’t important. More important is a woman’s attitude, her style of dressing to be feminine and not to act like an old lady. Her chance will be much higher no matter how many women are out there, they mostly are not competition for this kind of woman.” Laurie Jo, “Sex without a commitment is not for me. After divorcing my husband, I decided to have a sleepover with a nice man whom I found attractive. It wasn’t all that great, and I felt cheap and ‘icky’ the next day. “I tried it and did not like it. If other people are ok with that sort of thing, more power to them. But for me? Absolutely not ever again.” Marie, “When it comes to having sex, it’s been my experience that there is little difference in behavior between guys in their 70s and 80s and from how I remember them behaving in their late teens, 20s, 30s, etc. “The difference with some older guys is that they come with a ton of emotional maturity and wisdom, but they all like to have sex. Women do too, although generally, they are more selective, and while they appreciate intimacy, they take longer to appreciate someone as a possible sexual partner. “Most, not all women, also prefer some type of commitment. I think one 83-year-old guy whom I had just met summed it up well. He told me that he was sexually active, his plumbing worked, and he could do everything that he could do when he was younger, except that it took him a little longer to do so. “What he failed to understand, is that if he had waited to tell me something so intimate, and actually taken the time to develop a friendship, I might actually have been interested.” Susie, “I understand what Jerry from last week is talking about. I am the female version of him! I am 80 and still very interested in the sexual part of my life. Women say, ‘Why can’t you just be happy with a nice man’s company and forget about the sex part? You would have someone to go out to dinner with, travel with, and have great conversations with.’ “I say I am not dead yet but, for me finding someone that I am attracted to is a big problem! I am very active and look and act much younger than 80. I am not looking for marriage again, but I would like a partner in crime.” Kattie, “This is why I have so much trouble finding someone, it’s not just small-town blues, or being on dating sites, or meeting in person. I’m 70, an attractive homebody but I like short excursions. What I’ve found over the last 20 years online and in general, about 70% of men ask very personal questions about sex and my body during the first conversation. “They show pics without shirts from their 50s, 60s, and 70s and up. A total turn-off for me. I don’t need marriage, but I do need monogamy, no wondering about multiple women in my world. “I need to get to know somebody. I will kiss cheeks. I remember a 2nd lunch date. He kissed me three times in the parking lot on the lips before I pushed him away. WTH. I feel a woman will initiate another kiss if she wants more; it must be mutual. “I would have been good if he’d just given me time instead of pushing so hard so fast. He cut off the whole friendship. Then later he said he might have made a mistake. That was two years ago. I haven’t heard from him. No chance, no romance. It would be nice to be in an intimate/sexual relationship, but I won’t be rushed.” S (woman), “I met this man who doesn’t date women over 40. Why? He said they’ve lost all ‘desire.’ He doesn’t want a relationship, merely sex. He’s a nice-looking man, 73, fit, and has all his hair and all his teeth. “Sure, he can get the younger women now, but what happens in seven years when he’s 80? A 40-year-old isn’t going to want him! Guys, it’s important to build a relationship-the sex comes with it.” Marjorie, “Such a conundrum. Jerry seems to think that one should be physical first, then emotional intimacy will follow. But the problem for many women who are looking for a long-term relationship is that emotional intimacy usually doesn’t follow, and these women are left wondering why the guy has disappeared after sex or a few dates. “Or maybe they think, he’s not the guy I thought he was, and they lose interest. I think from the female viewpoint unless you just want many sex partners, one should be in a mutually exclusive committed relationship before embarking on sex. “I know, probably unrealistic today. I would just say to people that if you are in a committed relationship, you are building sexual intimacy on a foundation of mutual respect and love. Otherwise, it feels more like you are just taking each other out for a test drive without an emotional connection. “Most senior women have a good life with a circle of friends, family, and exciting activities. We don’t need a man who brings nothing to the table that we need or want. “We want someone who makes our lives richer, more fun, and exciting, we want attentive loving lovers. Maybe he’s not that great of a lover. Or that great of a friend. It sounds like women may not be interested in taking Jerry for a test drive.” “Yes, I am the Marjie who wrote to you previously about reconnecting with her college boyfriend after 46 years. We have been in an exclusive long-distance relationship (1300 miles apart) for the past 2 1/2 years. Through covid. “We spent the past summer in Montana and this past week in Portland OR for a Who concert.” What men said Ken, Mobile, Alabama, emailed, “I must live in the only area in the whole country where there are so few single women over 60. I’m widowed and 64 and rarely meet a woman who is not married and over 55. Mobile is not a haven for single women over 55 but plenty of 35-55 ladies who are just too young for me!” Army (Curtis) “I feel Jerry’s pain. If a woman has had to take care of a husband that has died with lingering issues, they don’t want to do that again. “If they want to go out for fun, they will call a girlfriend. They shrug off the nice guys and keep picking the bad boys who cheat on them, or who verbally or physically abuse them. Then, they wonder why they always get the loser. “These are the men they pick, always the same kind. Then, they finally give up dating. I go out on weekend nights and see tables of groups of women partying with themselves.” Don, “As I’ve aged, my experience is that women become nonsexual at an earlier age than men. Despite cries of bias, men place more value on sex than women. This is true. It is uncomfortable to talk about. And just talking here makes me cringe.” Art, Laguna Niguel, Calif. “I am 71, and relatively active. After being married for 48 years, I found myself suddenly single. The last two years have been ‘interesting,’ dealing with a divorce, moving twice, selling a house, buying, and remodeling a house, selling a business, and retiring just a few months ago, all complicated a bit by doing it during the pandemic. “One of the things I have learned about myself over that period is that I enjoy life more being able to share the joys with someone else. I heard a quote attributed to the late golfer Tom Weiskopf: ‘You don’t want to walk the back nine alone.’ “So now I want to, ‘get back in the market.’ I have decided to try online dating, and the more I research the options, the more confusing it is. Based on your communication with your Champs over the years, do you have an opinion about which might be the preferred service for a guy my age who is looking for a serious, ‘forever’ relationship? “The online sites all have advantages and disadvantages one doesn’t find about until you’re involved in the process for a while. Others’ experiences would be of value to me. Bill, “Intimacy is a highly personal matter at any age. Acting responsibly with a partner is important. Sex drives vary greatly especially as we age. Being honest with your partner makes for both the best emotional and physical relationship. “Some people might want multiple partners, but I think most seniors want monogamy and no one should risk transmitting sexual diseases. Great sex as one grows older can really enhance a relationship.” And finally below, the sixth man to comment. His email describes a widower’s difficult decision to move on with life after losing his wife—the only woman he had ever been with. It’s one of the most poignant emails I’ve ever used in an eNewsletter. I think you’ll agree. The 6th man, “Here are my thoughts regarding your most recent eNewsletter but please do not use my real name as this is very personal and I’d prefer to remain anonymous. “I’m in my early 60’s and widowed. My late wife and I were committed to each other since we were teenagers and married soon after college. Our relationship started so young, we were the only ones each of us had been intimate with and we loved and valued that bond. “As two people in love and with an active sex drive, it was difficult for us both when my wife’s illness prevented any kind of physical intimacy. But that was only one part of our relationship, and the other parts grew stronger to compensate. My love and commitment towards her were reason enough for me to put my sexual urges on the back burner as I focused on caring for her. “After her passing, I knew there would be a time when I would resume being sexually active but had no idea when I would feel ready and when I would find a woman I was attracted to. Fast forward to today and I am now dating a wonderful woman. “As you would expect from two healthy adults who are attracted to each other, we have become physically intimate. The attraction is not just physical but also emotional and we are dating exclusively. That required a certain amount of trust from us both since neither one of us is interested in casual sex and had only known each for a short time. “We are both committed right now to the relationship and both hopeful it will work in the long term. At this point, I can’t say that I love her with all my heart, but we are close and from what I have seen it is very promising. “At first this intimacy was difficult for me as I was feeling guilty and unfaithful even though I understood I was no longer married. I had always expected I would only have one sexual partner in my life and appreciated that idea, which is rare in the world. I will always love my late wife, but I have also come to realize that this does not prevent me from loving someone new.” “For me, it was a physical attraction, and emotional closeness and trust, and a desire to become intimate with a woman again that allowed me to take the leap. “Thank you for all you do to help those of us who are finding love after 50!” Tom’s comment: Wow, Champs – men and women—during World Series week, you knocked it out of the park by stepping to the plate and opening your personal vaults on this sex with or without a commitment issue. I imagine the above 18 Champs’ words will trigger even more responses. Heck, there might eventually be enough information for a book. Maybe we could call it, “Sex with or without a commitment during World Series week! |
On Life and Love after 50 