On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – On Life and Love after 50

Deceased partner’s photos

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter June 6, 2025

Senior Dilemma. When should a deceased partner’s photos and belongings be put away?

A woman recently emailed with a heart-wrenching question that many seniors face. She requested to remain anonymous, so I shall call her Sue.

Sue wrote, “I met my sweetheart online a year ago. Although he lives 30 miles from me, he says it’s worth the 40-minute drive. I am happy he feels that way.

“What are your thoughts on my him still having his dead wife’s clothing in their closet? She passed away 10 years ago. I discovered this when he invited me to spend the night at his place, when I took my overnight bag upstairs. Additionally, all her old perfume bottles are displayed on the master bathroom counter. It was disconcerting to me to say the least.”

“I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.”

My reply to Sue

“I understand the dilemma. Greta, my partner of 25 years, passed away 2 and ½ years ago. I have many pictures of her and us together around my home. I am slowly moving the pictures to a box in the garage. I realize my life has changed and it’s time to move on.

“It’s hard as the pictures represent so many memories, but I need to do it. Thanks for the reminder. Let me know how it goes.

Your question gave me a nudge.

“In your situation, Sue, especially with your boyfriend being a widower of 10 years, the woman’s clothes in the closet need to go.

“Plus, no woman is going to want to use the left-over perfume bottles, so they also need to go. Are there other signs around the house that he might still be in grief?

“Have a talk with him and do it nicely. Is his reason for not removing the items because he is still mourning or that he just got complacent? When Greta passed, her kids removed her clothes immediately, which I appreciated.

“After a year together, your boyfriend should want to make you happy and perhaps he’ll remove those items or have someone do it for him. The clothes could be donated.

“Your question will benefit many seniors who find themselves asking, “What should I do with my ex-spouses or partner’s photos?’

“If your sweetheart refuses, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Does he talk about her often? My feeling is he cares a great deal about you and will move on in his life with you.”

Sue responded, “Thank you, Tom. I just found it so creepy that he hasn’t done the removal himself. We’re going on a trip in July. I asked him if he could please have her things taken care of by then.

“I hope it works because otherwise he is a wonderful, loving and generous man. He did remove his wife’s name and birth/death dates sticker from the back of her old car. But he’s keeping that car as an extra vehicle. He claims he’s over her. Still, I can’t help but wonder.”

There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.

Previous comments by Champs on this topic

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be buried. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were in love and had pictures of both their former spouses around. They talked with each other about adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again.

“When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new partner of the nature and profound depth of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Hopefully, these sensitive replies will help widows, widowers and non-married partners who face this understandable dilemma. There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.

A Senior Man’s first-date jitters

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
May 9, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

A senior man’s first-date jitters

Bill, a widower in his mid-70s, emailed me for guidance regarding an upcoming first date with a woman he met on Match.com.

I thought it might be interesting, particularly to our women Champs, to know what a man thinks about before and after a first date with a woman.

Bill wrote, “I met an attractive woman on Match.com. She’s 10 years younger. She and I agreed to meet for coffee at a location about halfway between where we live, a two-mile drive for each of us. From her profile picture, she is pretty. I’m a little nervous. Her name is Jackie.

“We talked over the phone and knew at least we had a good conversation before we got together. That is a must for first-date people!”

“Can you give me any advice?”

I replied, “Is this your first date since your wife passed away?”

Bill answered, “No, I’ve had a few dates, but I’m not exactly Joe Stud, you know. But I’d like to impress her.”

I said, “Relax, I can tell you are nervous. But that’s ok, after all, this could become your future mate. Just slow down and calm down.”

“It goes without saying to wear a clean shirt. Smile when you greet her and shake her hand. No hug or kiss when you first approach each other. Men tend to talk too much when they are nervous. Be sure you ask questions about her. Encourage her to talk. Make direct eye contact with her. Smile. Use first-date etiquette; actually, any date etiquette.”

Bill said, “Thanks, that will help me break the ice. I will talk for no more than 40 percent of the time and ask her questions. Her profile says she still works full time. I will let you know how it goes.”

A few days later, after his first date, Bill sent me an update. “It went okay with Jackie. She is pretty. Will we see each other again? Probably. It could happen, but I’m unsure. Frankly, it wasn’t a great connection. She didn’t ask me many questions. I’m 6’ 1; she’s 5’6”—so that works for me. Not too tall and not too short.

“You kind of know if a woman is very interested, somewhat interested or not interested in you. She is somewhat only. But who knows for sure?

“She is divorced and didn’t talk about her ex at all. When I mentioned my wife, this woman sort of felt bad but had no questions about me. When I talked about my interests, the conversation didn’t go very far, but we stayed with her interests and travels.

“It possibly could go somewhere, but I didn’t think she appreciated the breakfast sandwich and beverage because I would have liked a nice thank you for my effort (liked she kind of expected me to pay and I guess that’s ok.)

“She steered away from future plans. I didn’t ask if she wanted to get together again or make any future plans.

“We didn’t get into politics and talked about schools, kids and travel. I probably could have gotten a little more personal and asked what she thought of me. But I don’t want any rejection. We talked for over an hour, so it was going ok, but probably not a strong connection.

“So where does this go? I’m not sure and I’m not clear about my feelings. I could reach out again, but I may leave the ball in her court for her to reach out to me if she is interested enough. So maybe I will ghost her or send her a text in a week to see how she is doing.

“I mentioned a few ideas about walking together on a hike near the beach or something and got no response on any idea she might have to do something. So, no, the date success wasn’t 100%, but more like 35%.

“At the end, I gave her a small hug, but she wasn’t responsive. So, it left me thinking, ‘Do I want to pursue her anymore?’ Maybe there would be too much work involved. She still works and seems busy. Perhaps some of my thoughts may help her. I want some kind of gratification or some kind of future interest to make me think that she and I want a relationship.

“Oh yes, I said at the very end, ‘Do you prefer a text or a call? She said ‘either.’ So, she could be still in it, but not who knows? Maybe it’s me because of my feelings. I don’t need to start chasing or try to create a fun experience. I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere.”

Tom’s Comment: So that’s how a nice gentleman feels. If there’s any message in Bill’s story for women, it’s that if you like a guy like Bill on a first date, be a little more assertive, showing affection like a kiss on the cheek and saying, “Let’s get together again.” And ask him more questions. However, what Jackie did may indicate that she doesn’t want to proceed seeing him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Senior dating sure has its challenges.

Is 83 too old to date?

Are children affecting your relationship?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 18, 2025

by Columnist Tom Blake

I had a wake-up call on Monday morning while preparing this week’s eNewsletter. My phone was about 15″ from me on my desktop. The loudest warning alert I’d ever heard from that phone jolted me shortly after 10 a.m. One second later, when the house began shaking, I realized a strong (5.2) earthquake was happening.

I hustled to the rear patio to get outside. I looked to my right. My neighbor Jake was outside holding his phone. I looked to my left. My neighbor Aaron was outside holding his phone. We agreed the quake was a doozie. Over 35 years, I’ve felt four earthquakes while inside my home. This was the scariest. Fortunately, there was no damage.

Like the Pony Express, the mail must go through. Despite unusual circumstances, the eNewsletter must be published. Have a safe week, Champs.

And now, this week’s topic:

Kids Interfering With Parents’ Relationships

A month ago, a woman, Champ, 76, living in the Midwest, wrote me about children interfering with her relationship with a man she’s dated for five years. Let’s call her Jolene. It’s not her children who are creating the problem; it’s her boyfriend’s kids and grandkids who are causing it. She wondered if I had ever written about these kids interfering with their parents’ relationships.

Jolene added, “This nonsupport situation by adult children affects other senior couples we know, in addition to us.”

I checked my Findingloveafter50.com website and was surprised to find that I have written on children negatively affecting senior relationships at least once each year in the 31 years I’ve been writing newspaper columns and eNewsletters.

To read previous eNewsletters, including how kids adversely affect their parents’ relationships, simply click on the website link above and search for the categories section. Once there, scroll down to the “Senior Dating With Children Involved” listing.

I never had children, so I’m not an expert on this subject. However, I was in a relationship for 25 years with Greta. She had four children, eight grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. I knew how important family was to her. She spent a lot of time with them, which was fine with me. I was often included. I was blessed; I had a wonderful relationship with each one of her family members.

However, somewhat related to this topic, after Greta passed away, I was immediately ghosted by the kids and grandkids. I never understood why, but I guessed it was because she included me in her estate.

The details of why and how kids affect their parents’ relationships vary greatly. It seems to me that often, the biggest reason is money. Kids, I’ve been told by Champs, are concerned that they are going to lose their inheritance to their parents’ mates or lovers. That was Jolene’s boyfriend’s kids’ concern.

Jolene added, “Shouldn’t the children be happy that their father has found love? And shouldn’t they leave our relationship to us to navigate? Rather than being thankful that their dad is happy and well cared for, all that matters to them is the money they imagine they might lose. Such a pity.

“The ironic part of this melodrama is that if they were smart, they would be kissing up to me to get part of my estate when I die! I am the one with the money.” I relate to that comment by Jolene.

Jolene continued, “Today, I spoke with an elderly woman who told me her son was not speaking to her because she had taken steps to leave her assets to her grandchildren and not her children, who were already quite well off. I comforted her by reminding her that the money was hers and she could do with it what she pleased. It was her decision not her son’s decision. She thanked me profusely.”

Jolene finished by asking: “How do Champs feel about children negatively affecting relationships? I’d like to hear their experiences.”

Tom’s comment: Hopefully, Champs will let us know. The details of every situation involving children affecting senior relationships are different. It could be money, jealousy, insecurity, favoring one child vs. the others, missing the deceased parent, or the child’s demand on the parent’s time — whatever on the children’s part, or even on the adults’ part.

If children are affecting your senior relationship negatively (it’s more common than you think), talk about it with your mate to reach a middle ground, and visit a therapist or marriage counselor if necessary.

A Journey of Love and Lessons Learned

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 28, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Like many seniors, I wasn’t prepared for dating later in life. My journey began in 1993, when my third wife (6 years), with no prior discussions or warning, moved out of my house. Two months later, she filed for divorce, leaving me to navigate the dating scene—a frustrating endeavor.

Online dating wasn’t an option back then. Fortunately, I owned Tutor and Spunky’s, a popular deli in Dana Point, California, where many appealing women walked through the deli door. However, most were significantly younger and had no interest in a recently divorced man in his mid-50s.

Struggling with the dating scene, I started a blog to document my experiences. That blog inspired my first newspaper column, published on July 7, 1994, titled, Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company.

Five years later, in my deli, an attractive, soft-spoken woman about my age with a kind and gentle disposition ordered a freshly squeezed carrot juice. While she waited for her juice, I walked over to her and asked her on a date. She said, “Yes, that would be lovely.” That started a 25-year relationship with Greta.

Though we never married, we lived together for 22 years, first in her San Clemente home, then in my Dana Point abode. She was a Special Education teacher. We travelled the world when we took time off from work.

Greta passed away on October 29, 2022. I was one lost puppy. Technically, I wasn’t a widower, but the pain and grief were the same. After months of loneliness, I decided to reenter the dating scene.

Without the deli as a dating hub, I sought other ways to connect with people. I attended a grief support group, which proved invaluable. Not only did it help me realize I wasn’t alone in my struggles, but it also introduced me to new friends—both men and women—whom I still socialize with today.

To any single senior, I highly recommend joining social groups as a way to build meaningful connections. I was aware that the dating landscape had changed dramatically over 25 years, with online dating emerging as a dominant force.

Aware of its pitfalls, I recognized that online dating also provided an opportunity to meet people beyond my immediate geographical area. With that in mind, I joined online sites Zoosk and Match.com. Despite hearing from some women that “All the good men are taken,” I remained optimistic.

Yes, I encountered scammers and dishonest individuals, but I also met wonderful women. Patience—never my strongest trait—was essential. After messaging Debbie for a few weeks, she finally messaged me back and agreed to meet.

She is 10 years younger and lives in Mission Viejo, about a half hour drive from my home in Dana Point. We began dating in May of 2023 and shared many interests. She worked as a self-employed psychotherapist and had two daughters and two grandchildren, living in other cities. Though we came from different religious backgrounds, we connected over our shared love of sports—she’s a Kansas Jayhawks fan, while I root for the Michigan Wolverines, our respective alma maters.

We also shared a love of music. She attended junior high and high school on Long Island (New York) with Billy Joel. And in the 1970s, I worked with and became friends with Johnny Cash.

Like any relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ve learned to compromise and adjust—essential lessons for seniors in new relationships. We see each other three to four times a week, balancing companionship with personal space. She enjoys her time with friends, and I do the same. She also visits her family. As we approach two years together, chemistry remains. Senior dating has unique challenges, and I feel fortunate to have found Debbie.

Our journey reminds me that love and companionship are possible at any stage in life—if one remains open to the possibilities. Please send me your stories, questions, and comments.
Ask The Therapist

You may be wondering what happened to the Ask The Therapist section. There have been so many questions to Debbie (yes, that Debbie, my significant other) about senior sex that I’ve decided to have her comments about that be the entire eNewsletter next week. So tune in.

Also, a woman Champ reached out to Debbie for personal help. The woman contacted me and thanked me, saying Debbie has helped her immensely.

You Talk Too Much

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 25

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

You Talk Too Much (About Yourself)

Champ Susan emailed this week: “I’ve been reading your weekly column for years. Seeing you go through the horror of losing your soul mate and you following your advice to find a new mate.

“I’m 63, living in Dana Point, California, and have been single for 12 years. A couple of short-term relationships in between. I’m perfectly happy living by myself—thin, attractive, and smart. Reading about health, the experts say that a meaningful relationship adds to your health. So, I joined Zoosk, Match, and Facebook dating.

“In three months, I’ve had 4 dates with different men. On each date, the men only talked about themselves. What is up with that? Don’t they understand the difference between a conversation and a lecture? It’s not a job interview. Either you like each other, or you don’t. Why don’t they want to know more about me? I want to know about them.

“I had a 5^th date yesterday. I had to laugh at him. I have an S-class Mercedes, and he has a Tesla. He looked at my car and said, ‘OMG, you have two exhaust pipes.’ He was serious. I don’t think he will date me again.

“I’m frustrated with online dating. I don’t like Zoosk because they send you this carousel of men, but you can’t see where they are from or anything about them until you like them. Not having any luck on Match as far as getting dates. Everyone that likes me is 60+ miles away. I specify the distance, but it only makes a difference when I search, it doesn’t stop others from writing to me from far away.

“Facebook dating is free, and I get the most local people to evaluate. Am I missing something?”

Tom’s comment: “Why do the men you’ve dated only talk about themselves? I imagine they are nervous, perhaps fearing that you won’t like them, so they must tell you all the positive things about themselves. They don’t understand it’s common etiquette on a date for each person to share the conversation, especially on the first date when impressions are so important.

“Perhaps, they are intimidated by you and feel you are out of their league. They may be talking nonstop about themselves to convince you they are worthy of your attention.

“So, Susan, keep trying to meet men. Perhaps change the online dating service you use. In addition to online dating, get out and about in your city of Dana Point. Meet new people. Senior dating is a numbers game.”

That each of Susan’s four dates talked too much about themselves and didn’t ask about her is puzzling to me. I don’t have a good answer. I think it’s time for Susan to get an opinion from a therapist. It might be that she is doing something wrong by attracting strange men.

I remember the novelty smash hit song, “You Talk Too Much” by Joe Jones. When it was popular in 1960, I was in college at DePauw University, Greencastle, Indiana, and scored a date with one of the most attractive women on the campus.

She dominated the conversation about herself, and that song kept popping into my head while she chatted away. I didn’t understand why she was talking so much about herself. I guess she didn’t want a second date with me so she figured if she dominated the conversation, I would realize the date would be our only one. She was right, we didn’t go out again. But we remained cordial friends.

When Susan emailed me her question this week, it reminded me of that date 65 years ago. What a riot! Both senior men and women should remember conversation etiquette on first dates and all dates. If conversation slows to a standstill, or your date is talking too much about themselves, ask him or her a question like, “Would you like to hear a bit about me?” That question would be a good reminder for them that they are talking too much.

My buddy Jim says it’s also important to make eye contact with your dates, and they should make eye contact with you. If the one-way conversation continues, consider rolling your eyebrows, yawning, or rubbing your nose.
If the question and the gestures go right over their head, that person isn’t the right potential mate for you. He might be a narcissist, unable to adapt.
A final somewhat unrelated thought. What did Susan’s Tesla-owner date mean when he commented about her two exhaust pipes? That guy sounds pretty strange to me.

So, Champs, let’s hear your opinions about Susan’s issue.
And one new item. Since Champs have been asking me about therapists lately, I’ve decided to implement a new eNewsletter feature. It will start in next week’s newsletter and appear every other week, at least for now. It will be called Ask The Therapist.

The way it will work: Champs will email me with Ask The Therapist words in the subject line. Then they will write out their question within the body of the email. Limit 50 words. I will share the question with Champ Debbie, a therapist, and my significant other, and she will write her reply in an upcoming eNewsletter. We will give it a try and see how it goes. Only first names will be used. Your city is optional. This feature will appear at the end of the eNewsletter.

Hanging out at the Pub Club

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 26, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

On January 30, 2024, I received this email from Anita Gorsch: “I’m the editor of the Laguna Woods Globe, a weekly publication by the Orange County Register for seniors in the Laguna Woods Village retirement community.
(Approximately 18,000 seniors live in Laguna Woods Village, in South Orange County, California).

Anita continued: “We want to write a story about seniors finding love for our Valentine’s issue. Would you be willing to be interviewed about that?”
I replied yes. We spoke the next day for 30 minutes.

On February 8, the Globe published Anita’s front page story, “Looking for romance? Senior dating pro can help.” (See photo above) She included information from our phone conversation.

On March 25, a woman named Dinah Lin emailed: “I am writing on behalf of the Pub Club (*Publishing Club) of Laguna Woods. Our President, Nancy Brown, was captivated by the recent front-page Globe article highlighting you and your most interesting life/career. She recommended I contact you as a potential presenter/speaker at one of our gatherings. I am the program chair.”

“The Pub Club” caught my interest. Wow, I’d be speaking to a group of beer and wine drinkers.

Sorry, Tom, this isn’t a drinking club, as Dinah explained, “Our members are writers, published authors, and authors-to-be and our programs focus on topics that would help them on this journey. Please let me know if this interests you. It would be July 17 from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.”

I responded, “Me? Speaking for two hours on writing to an accomplished group of writers? I’d put them all to sleep.”

Dinah and I eventually settled on senior dating as the topic, with me being interviewed by one of their members. My part would be about an hour plus ample time for questions and answers. On July 17, when I saw the room, I was pleased. It was ideal, with tables, approximately 80 chairs, and microphones that were fully charged and ready to go. Approximately 70 people attended.

Women outnumbered men by about nine-to-one, a ratio typical of the Laguna Woods Village population and similar to senior dating ratios. Topics included online dating, building profiles and do’s and don’ts when posting photos, and long-distance relationships.

The importance of honesty trust, and communication between couples was frequently stressed. Who pays for the first senior date received many comments from attendees. The consensus was that men should grab the tab (at least, for the first two or three dates, something I agree with).

First-date etiquette was a fun topic. Women suggested that men keep their hands in check. So, what the hell do we do? Sit on our hands. Two women gave me copies of books they had published and I returned the favor with my books. One was Dinah Lin, the program chair. Her Amazon bestselling book is a memoir of her fascinating life. It’s titled. “Daring to Dream. Once Again.”

Dinah pours her heart and soul into this book; it’s a fascinating and heart-wrenching, follow-her-dreams story.

The other woman, Karen Haddigan, in collaboration with Debi Helm, handed me “Secrets of Dating After Fifty. The Insider’s Guide to Finding Love Again.” Karen and Debi’s book should be a textbook at a Senior Dating University. So many senior dating topics are included and often told with a humorous anecdote attached.

One section is titled, “Nakedness and the Aging Body,” which caught my attention. It discusses the reality of growing old, to which we all relate. I was amazed at how many of the same topics Karen and I had included in our respective dating after 50 books. Her opinions and observations about senior dating are more refreshing and up-to-date than in my book. (Karen’s book was published 12 years after my book was published)

The two books are pictured below. Both women sell their books on Amazon.com.

Writing is a great way for seniors to keep busy and their minds engaged. I hope we inspired the writers present to stay busy writing and publishing their books.

A woman with True Grit

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2024
by Tom Blake Column and Senior Dating Expert

Why did an email from Champ Lisa this week remind me of the movie True Grit? How could a Champ forget that movie’s gritty performances by Kim Darby and John Wayne and the 1969 title song by Glen Campbell?

(In the picture above, Lisa is with one of her horses in Tucson, Arizona)
.
I made that Lisa/True Grit connection because what Lisa accomplished in the last five years took true grit. Her story touches upon issues that seniors often face.

Lisa wrote: “Your eNewsletter last week about a woman in a long-distance relationship raised issues applicable to many seniors these days: Relocating to a different state

“A lifelong Californian, I moved to Tucson, Arizona 4 1/2 years ago, at age 70, bought horse property, a wonderful home with a pool, and all I could ask for.

I asked Lisa what inspired her to relocate, to make that gutsy move. She said, “My reason for leaving California was due to the growing situation in California over many years. Among them: is changing the laws to let criminals out of prison

-Related to that, revising the law (again) so that those criminals may now steal without consequence – This made me feel that as I get older, I would be even more vulnerable to crime

-Related again, the ever-increasing problem with homelessness, even though my city of Burbank was able to keep a lid on it

-State taxes: why should I be paying for the homeless and illegal aliens, who get free health care? -The state where I was born has gone off the rails (including Jerry’s choo choo.) Tom’s comment: Lisa was referring to the high-speed train being built between Los Angeles and Las Vegas of which Governor Jerry Brown was a proponent.

Lisa continued, “I wanted to move to Arizona or New Mexico. NM is a beautiful state but they tax Social Security, whereas Arizona does not. They also have lots of problems.

“Dry heat is my preference, I’m not a fan of the humidity in other locations. “I consider myself somewhat of a lizard, relishing the sun and the heat which is why I relocated to Southern Arizona.

“I’m at a higher elevation than the city of Tucson, and it’s considerably cooler, especially more so than Phoenix, which is a couple of hours away.

“I didn’t follow my friends who had moved to Phoenix, but I am glad that they are in Arizona.”

Relocating again after 4 ½ years

Another move recently took even more true grit on her part. She is 76 and again did the move on her own. Lisa continued, “I just moved to SaddleBrooke, a 55+ community in Tucson, with many amenities, and am boarding my horses at a ranch nearby.

“My reasons for moving were (1) The social isolation, my home was at the end of a private road, with all (lovely) married couples for neighbors. I wasn’t meeting single seniors.

And (2) the upkeep on the one-acre property (25 + mesquite trees) and the difficulty of getting safely to the riding trails, if I were to ride alone.

Life at SaddleBrooke

“In SaddleBrooke, there are many friendly and interesting people, and I am finding that a few residents also have horses where I am boarding mine.

“Tucson is very spread out as well, and the east side is more than an hour away, so some people factor that in and are sometimes reluctant to drive to my area.

“Since being at SaddleBrooke, I have not only been busy with the move but have had some great social events that I have attended, the most recent being a Kentucky Derby party at the boarding ranch (with an SB neighbor who also boards her horse there) and an SB Cinco de Mayo party with a fabulous Mariachi band. And now, my house is being painted!

“I do see my friends who live in Phoenix occasionally. One of them was down for the weekend with her boyfriend. “I haven’t left home overnight–except once–because I had the horses on my property to care for. That may change since the horses are now boarded, but I still have two kitties (easier to find someone to feed them, though).

Lisa’s perspective on dating and LDRs and challenges “I don’t know about the single men in my community yet; it is quite a large community, but I have had much social interaction since being here for less than two months.

“I have been contacted by a few men in the Phoenix area and beyond. Phoenix, depending on the area, is approximately two hours away.

“I won’t consider a LDR because when I find someone, with whom I want to be exclusive, I would like to see them two or three times weekly. This doesn’t mean I would only want to see them for that limited time.

“One of the challenges here is that many people on Match.com–the site I’m on–are ‘snowbirds’ and fly away to cooler homes during the summer.

“I have not chosen well in my romantic history, so I am leery of living with someone again. I don’t want to be joined at the hip. Of course, one never knows, if I fall in love, those feelings might change.

“I like to see friends, ride my horse, and like my ‘alone time.’ I am not particularly domestic, and I don’t want to have to cook for someone, at least not regularly.

“I have introduced some of my friends to your column. You have helped many.”

Tom’s Thoughts Hats off to Lisa. A woman with True Grit. I admire Lisa’s determination and true grit in pursuing her life and constantly working to improve it. I also admire her love of animals, her kitties, and horses. The most important lesson that Champs can take away from Lisa’s story is the need for social interaction.

At age 76, she relocated again to improve her social interaction. I read an article online this week that stated that loneliness is as deadly to seniors as smoking or drinking excessively. If any Champ would like to reach out to Lisa, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your email to her.

Horse lovers are especially encouraged to contact her. Lisa has been a Champ for 12 years. I know she will inform us how this current move works for her. I checked the SaddleBrooke website and feel Lisa made the right move. It appears to be a spectacular place.

Here’s the link to the 1969 song, “True Grit,” sung by Glen Campbell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIyXkRIhFKE

9 reasons I won’t be the next Golden Bachelor

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 26, 2024

by Columnist Tom Blake

Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

The first mention I noticed of my name in the same sentence as “The Golden Bachelor” was in an email on February 9, 2024. Champ Victoria wrote, “…I was going to suggest you’d make a good Golden Bachelor. I heard they’re looking. LOL!”

I responded to Victoria: “Me? A good Golden Bachelor? Maybe I will do a column on why I won’t become a Golden Bachelor. I’ll give you credit for suggesting it. Among the many fun reasons I won’t become a GB is that it would mean another marriage for me, and three previous marriages are enough.

Most of us know that Gerry Turner, age 72, this year’s Golden Bachelor, proposed on November 30, 2023, to Theresa Nist,70, the woman he selected out of the 22 women who appeared on the show. Turner and Nist married in a televised wedding ceremony on January 4, 2024, in La Quinta, California.

And then, in an article written by Anita Gosch, a columnist for The Orange County Register, that was published on February 15, 2024, Gosch wrote, referring to me, “No, he’s not a new Golden Bachelor.” (I didn’t contact Gosch to ask why she said I wasn’t the next Golden Bachelor).

We all know what happened. The Turner/Nist marriage lasted three months. On April 12, they announced on Good Morning America that they were getting a divorce. A few Champs asked for my opinion on the Golden Bachelor scenario—from the first episode to the finale–and one Champ asked if I ever considered applying to be the next Golden Bachelor.

These are 9 reasons why I won’t be the next Golden Bachelor

1. They won’t ask me

2. I only watched parts of the first segment. I felt it wasn’t realistic, and was “too made for television.” I thought it suggested that dating at 70+ was easy and glamourous when Champs know damn well that dating even at 60+ isn’t easy; it’s challenging and can be very discouraging

3. I didn’t think the show was fair to women. At Nist’s age, 70, the ratio of single women to single men is approximately five-to-one. Women often tell me that not all the men in that ratio are relationship material, making the effective ratio upwards of six-to-one.

The Golden Bachelor ratio was 22 women, to one man. It’s like the lotto. Why is there only one winner of several million bucks or over a billion? Why aren’t there multiple lotto winners? Why, in the Golden Bachelor, can’t there be five women winners instead of just one?

4. Age and Energy. At my age, 84, I barely have the energy to get through the day. I can’t imagine having to decide which one of the 22 women would be the best match for me. My problem is I’d probably like them all.

To make matters worse, filming and dating times might be in the middle of the day, infringing on my nap time. Can you imagine trying to impress a senior woman on a first date and dozing off while sipping coffee or tea? That reminds me of some scenes we see on live TV these days. People dozing off.

5. And what about doctor’s appointments? Many seniors have a plethora of appointments on their calendars. Some medical appointments they’ve had to book months in advance. What would a woman do? Reschedule an important medical appointment only to be dumped by some “made-for-television dude?”

6. Gerry and Theresa’s marriage lasted three months. Did that surprise me? No, they didn’t know each other long enough to make such a monumental decision. Egad, wait at least a year before tying the knot. A two-year wait is even better.

The dilemma for people in their 70s and 80s, we don’t have the time to wait. So why not just enjoy each other and make the best of the time we have left without getting married?

It makes one wonder if their Golden Bachelor marriage was done for the sake of television, a part of the sign-on contract. Words like these (made up solely by me): “Gerry, and whomever you choose, must agree to get married, and allow us to put the marriage on live TV. You will be paid an extra $100,000 each.”

7. Most Champs know LDRs (Long Distance Relationships) are difficult. Ask Champs Gail (Bishop, CA) and Bruce (Lima, Ohio) who live in small cities. They are not in a relationship—they have never met in person but I believe they have corresponded. They both have shared how tough it is to find a mate and carry on an LDR.

Gerry and Theresa from the Golden Bachelor found that out as they lived in different states. Neither wanted to give up their friends, kids, families, etc., by moving to a different state to be together.

Ostensibly, that’s why their marriage didn’t work out. I don’t want to move to a different state or even far away in California to be with a woman. A half-hour drive away is bad enough for me

8. If I were the Golden Bachelor, and agreed to marry, I’d have to announce the subsequent divorce on Good Morning America. That’s no big deal; I’ve already been on GMA so I don’t need the publicity. On June 8, 2005, I was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on GMA about senior dating. See the photo above of Me, Greta (a special woman), and Diane Sawyer from that day.

9. I’ve spent a year and a half hoping to find a new woman friend after my loss of Greta. Well, I’ve got a new woman friend named Debbie (the one referenced above who lives a half hour away). She’s a tough cookie. Intelligent and strong-willed.

Can you imagine Debbie’s response if I told her: “Debbie, is it okay if I become the next Golden Bachelor? I’ll be courting 22 women and will be busy for a few months filming the show. Yes, I’ll be hugging and kissing them on live television but I still love you.”

Her comment would be, as Bill Haley and The Comets made popular 74 years ago, “See You Later, Alligator.”

Those are the 9 reasons I won’t be the next Golden Bachelor.

Senior Marriage: Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 1, 2024
By Columnist Tom Blake
Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?
By Columnist Tom Blake

In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Kathy met a man while volunteering at her church office. At a church supper, twice she sat next to ‘John,’ who is 80. She’s 76. Both are widowed. He was smitten with her and told her he liked her. They started dating.

Kathy said John has some health issues and wants to leave his estate to her and he feels marriage might make it easier to do that. And he wants to take a road trip West together. The marriage question is what triggered responses.

I have selected nine of the responses, all from women. Before we proceed to those nine responses, I didn’t want men left out. So, Part 2 at the end is a short fun anecdote that Champ Mark sent in.

Part 1 – Nine responses from women

Terry emailed, “Tom, this is great — Kathy and John can be more than friends and I would encourage it. But if they marry, the cost of his medical treatment could become her responsibility. “If he wants to leave her something he can do that and it is a wonderful gesture, but what if his money problems become a financial burden for her?

“She should have a great time, but there is no point in getting married. It’s one thing if you have been married many years and created a life together. At the end of life, it’s another ballgame.”

Joanie, “If she marries him, her assets become his as well especially if he outlives her. Things are better off staying as they are – she has a nice friend, no marital obligations and no financial worries about her own assets or her kids’ inheritances. And she has a nice companion. she can still take the trip out West. Friends travel together all the time.”

Sally, “I first met you in 1996, 30 years ago. I am still enjoying the single life and it’s ok to be alone without a companion underfoot. Most of my friends feel this way and don’t want to be someone’s ‘nurse or purse.’

“Bone cancer is a terrible cancer. My husband died of that in four months after agonizing treatment and pain, including going into a coma from chemo.

“Why should Kathy set herself up for a third heartbreak? If she marries John, she can be liable for all his bills left behind. I lived through that one too.  “It makes no sense that he would leave everything to her and not his family. She is in for a legal battle for sure if he has kids. Before agreeing to a legal commitment, she should review his will and trust with an attorney before getting married.

“Also, John has diabetes. Again, oh my, if he isn’t responsible for good eating habits why take that on too? “I say slow down and just have fun together as companions without the caregiver’s responsibility. Also find girlfriends to hang out with. It’s much less complicated.”

Tom’s response to Sally’s comment about John’s diabetes. A person can have Type 2 diabetes even when they have good eating habits. It’s not his fault that he has Type 2 or Type 1. Eating properly is an important part of the battle. Taking doctor-prescribed medications also can be necessary.

Norma, “You covered a lot in your article for people to think about.

“I had been to my doctor’s office for my yearly wellness check in June and my doctor said all my numbers were good and I was doing well for my age. He added, ‘Just don’t fall.’

“Two weeks later, I knew something was not right with my health. I did not have the classic symptoms of a heart attack and drove myself to Redlands Hospital. “They had to transfer me to Desert Regional Hospital in Palm Springs because there were no hospitals in the area that had a bed available to treat my condition and that led to open heart surgery. The Dr. In Palm Springs, a great surgeon called me a miracle and told me to go home and enjoy my life. My point being is like you told Kathy: Take the trip West.”

Linda, “Kathy is not in love with John. She won’t marry him, but she’ll accept his assets. Isn’t that interesting!”

Stephanie from the Midwest, “Tom, I think your advice to Kathy is spot on! First, you’re right that she got out of the house to do an activity, a biggie for meeting someone for dating.

“Second, they met at church where the only seat available twice was next to John, was God trying to tell her something? They follow the same religion, which is a big plus.

“Third, John is right in that if they were married there would be less chance of anyone being able to challenge his will–who knows if a child or even distant cousin could say Kathy exerted undue influence on their relative in getting him to leave her his assets…this wouldn’t be a consideration if they were married and her name was on everything as a joint owner.

“Story: My ex-husband was married for nine years to a woman six years younger. They were living in her house but because he was paying for many expenses out of his income (such as utilities and repairs) he insisted that she should put him on the house ownership papers as a joint tenant. (He also owned another home which he had rented out.) She did so.

“She also had two adult sons at the time, and they were on very good terms with the new husband. At age 58 after nine years of marriage, the wife had a stroke and died a month later! My ex got her house as he was the joint tenant (this is in California, LA County), which was okay with the sons as she had a life insurance policy that provided for them. The point is: Kathy, get your name on John’s house papers!”

Lisa, “I hope that you will not consider me to be a cynic, but as far as marriage is concerned, Kathy might be left with financial obligations when John passes, perhaps medical bills incurred at the last stages of his life. When someone’s estate is settled, debts come before the beneficiary gets the proceeds. “
I became cognizant of this type of situation during my last brief, but disastrous marriage. My new husband and I had bought a small ranch about 50 miles from downtown Los Angeles, where we both worked. “I started doing freelance work from home and taking care of the horses. He would take my completed work into the city, so I didn’t have to make frequent trips. However, he would often stay late in LA frequently, drinking with friends, and getting home still appearing to be over the limit as far as alcohol was concerned. “I came to realize that if he killed or maimed someone while driving DUI, I could be financially responsible for the results. There were other considerations, and I left the marriage as soon as I could make the logistics work for me. “In my opinion, marriage is more important if people are having children or buying real estate together, and for those whose religion is sufficiently important to them where it is necessary to keep from ‘living in sin.’ “Of course, John could have enough assets that would cover any kind of situation that I mentioned above. “I don’t think that it’s a good idea for Kathy and John to chance it. Furthermore, marriage might spoil the lovely relationship they presently have. I agree with you about the trip West; they should enjoy the time they have together, albeit without complicating the situation.”

Deanne, “Kathy, what are you waiting for? Are you missing something, or did you leave out his criminal record? “John sounds wonderful, loving and kind. He is looking out for you too. You have so much in common.

“If we all lived in fear, the world would not exist. Our hearts are fragile, but I believe we need to understand how important it is to fill our hearts.

“I believe I died when my husband died. I believe my heart longs for a fill up and I also want to give all of me to someone who cares for me and may need me.

“I’ve been a widow (after the most wonderful 33 years) for almost 10 years now – 8/6/2014. I can’t believe it’s been this long living alone. My heart is bursting at the seams with the love I want to give to someone else.

“Our lives are all giant leaps of faith. You need to jump again. Today is it, don’t waste any of the precious time you could be living with John.

“I know over 100 women looking for their ‘John.’

“Good luck, free fall into his life now. Don’t wait.”

Jane, “I am a skeptic and have two girlfriends who have lost a lot of money to scammers. One never met the man but gave him money.

“The other (a senior) had dated a man for a year. He went to church with her every Sunday. He had a house that she would go to. Everyone was on board and excited that these two wonderful people had found each other.

“She was wealthy and after a year she sent him an extremely large amount of money. He disappeared never to be seen again. In Kathy’s situation, John told her he has bone cancer. Has she been to a doctor’s appointment with him? If they married, would her assets immediately become his assets?

“I would not marry someone to make it easier for paperwork. I wish Kathy the best. There is a chance that he is completely on the up and up. But there is also a chance that he is not. I wouldn’t take the risk.”

Part 2 – Keeping Senior Dating Simple

Champ Mark emailed, “A single friend in Newport Beach has been in the dating game for several years. He has developed a list of criteria he calls ‘5S’ that he uses when evaluating potential partners.”

Single
Sane
Straight
Sober
Solvent
I responded to Mark. “Here could be three more:
Sumptuous
Stunning
Startling

“If only senior dating were so SIMPLE.”