Finding Love at 30,000 feet

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Tom Blake Columnist

The May 9 eNewsletter was titled, “A senior man’s first-date jitters.” The man was Bill, and he described his date with Jackie. Bill felt Jackie didn’t have an interest in him. They didn’t go out again. In that article, I shared my opinion about Bill’s date.

There were many responses expressed by Champs, offering advice for both Bill and Jackie on how each could have improved their hour-long date.  

Two weeks later, Champ Mike emailed me about that May 9 eNewsletter.

Mike wrote, “You, Tom, do appear to be a very nice, compassionate guy in your response to Bill. Frankly, I thought there were enough clues early in the date for Bill to cut the date short and say, ‘It’s been nice meeting you’ and leave.

“I was divorced and single from age 45-60. I dated first with referrals from friends, then dating services like “It’s Just Lunch,” and finally tried some online dating sites.

“I found my love at 60 and have now been married 20 years.”

I responded to Mike: “How did you meet your wife? Online? Or otherwise?

Mike wrote, “I met my wife on a Delta flight. She was a Delta Flight Attendant. It was on one of the first flights leaving Cincinnati after 9/11. The airplane, a 757, was virtually empty, very spooky.

“Everyone was nervous to fly, including the employees

I was traveling with, and my son, to visit my brother in Hartford.

I was seated in first class, no other passengers were up there, and Kathie was the Flight Attendant. We talked for the entire 2-hour flight. I thought she had to be married, but my son said he didn’t see a wedding ring.

“A few months later, I ran into Kathie at the airport as I was leaving for a flight, she was leaving at the gate next to mine. I immediately asked for a dinner date. She accepted, but due to our travel schedules, it was a couple of months before we could. When the day arrived, she preferred to pick me up, since she had two kids, age 2 and 4, at home.

“When she arrived, standing in the doorway framed by the overhead light, she took my breath away. Unrecognizable from her plain flight attendant uniform, she was stunningly beautiful. I never dated anyone else again. We dated for two years, were engaged for one year, and this June 4th was our 20th anniversary. As close to love at first sight as it gets.”

As often happens with Champ’s stories, Mike’s story struck a chord with me. In 1963, after serving in the Navy during the Vietnam War, I was discharged from the Naval Auxiliary Air Station in Fallon, Nevada. I boarded a military flight in Fallon to the Bay Area, where I was to catch an American Airlines flight to Detroit, near where my parents and sisters lived in Jackson, Michigan.

The military flight was delayed, so I missed my AAL flight home. I rebooked an overnight flight from SFO to Detroit for that night. Like Mike’s story, I spent at least two hours on that flight talking with the stewardess (that’s what they were called then).

Her name was Linda. She was based in Chicago, and we dated for several months while I was at the University of Michigan Business School getting my MBA. To see each other, she would schedule flights with layovers in Detroit. I would pick her up in my rattle-trap ’57 Chevy at Detroit’s Metro Airport.

After graduation, I worked for AAL so we met often. She was, like Mike’s wife Kathie, a cutie. I clipped out a Fortune Magazine American Airlines advertisement in June 1965, because it reminded me of Linda.

Sixty-five years later, I have the original of that advertisement buried somewhere in my garage archives. I found a copy online, which is the photo above, entitled “People keep stealing our stewardesses.” I was one of those guys, sort of.

The small print in that ad reads, “Within two years, most of our stewardesses will leave us for other men. This isn’t surprising. A girl who can smile for 5 ½ hours is hard to find. Not to mention a wife who can remember what 124 people want for dinner…”

However, the relationship with Linda fizzled out due to long distance.

But, my infatuation with flight attendants didn’t end then; I married a Pan Am flight attendant four years later in NYC.

If there is a lesson to be learned from today’s eNewsletter –- and it’s a stretch, I admit — if you’re single and when you travel, strike up a conversation with flight attendants (now both women and men), train conductors, pilots, and other fellow travelers, you just might meet the love of your life. Mike’s story and my story are proof that love can happen at 30,000 feet.

Share with us how you met the love of your life while traveling.

Deceased partner’s photos

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter June 6, 2025

Senior Dilemma. When should a deceased partner’s photos and belongings be put away?

A woman recently emailed with a heart-wrenching question that many seniors face. She requested to remain anonymous, so I shall call her Sue.

Sue wrote, “I met my sweetheart online a year ago. Although he lives 30 miles from me, he says it’s worth the 40-minute drive. I am happy he feels that way.

“What are your thoughts on my him still having his dead wife’s clothing in their closet? She passed away 10 years ago. I discovered this when he invited me to spend the night at his place, when I took my overnight bag upstairs. Additionally, all her old perfume bottles are displayed on the master bathroom counter. It was disconcerting to me to say the least.” 

“I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.” 

My reply to Sue

“I understand the dilemma. Greta, my partner of 25 years, passed away 2 and ½ years ago. I have many pictures of her and us together around my home. I am slowly moving the pictures to a box in the garage. I realize my life has changed and it’s time to move on.

“It’s hard as the pictures represent so many memories, but I need to do it. Thanks for the reminder. Let me know how it goes. 

Your question gave me a nudge.

“In your situation, Sue, especially with your boyfriend being a widower of 10 years, the woman’s clothes in the closet need to go. 

“Plus, no woman is going to want to use the left-over perfume bottles, so they also need to go. Are there other signs around the house that he might still be in grief?

“Have a talk with him and do it nicely. Is his reason for not removing the items because he is still mourning or that he just got complacent? When Greta passed, her kids removed her clothes immediately, which I appreciated. 

“After a year together, your boyfriend should want to make you happy and perhaps he’ll remove those items or have someone do it for him. The clothes could be donated. 

“Your question will benefit many seniors who find themselves asking, “What should I do with my ex-spouses or partner’s photos?’ 

“If your sweetheart refuses, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Does he talk about her often? My feeling is he cares a great deal about you and will move on in his life with you.” 

Sue responded, “Thank you, Tom.  I just found it so creepy that he hasn’t done the removal himself. We’re going on a trip in July. I asked him if he could please have her things taken care of by then.

“I hope it works because otherwise he is a wonderful, loving and generous man. He did remove his wife’s name and birth/death dates sticker from the back of her old car. But he’s keeping that car as an extra vehicle. He claims he’s over her. Still, I can’t help but wonder.”

There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.

Previous comments by Champs on this topic

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him. 

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.” 

Kim said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses. 

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be buried. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were in love and had pictures of both their former spouses around. They talked with each other about adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.” 

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again.

“When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer.  As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.” 

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new partner of the nature and profound depth of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Hopefully, these sensitive replies will help widows, widowers and non-married partners who face this understandable dilemma. There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.

A Senior Man’s first-date jitters

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
May 9, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake
A senior man’s first-date jitters

Bill, a widower in his mid-70s, emailed me for guidance regarding an upcoming first date with a woman he met on Match.com.
 
I thought it might be interesting, particularly to our women Champs, to know what a man thinks about before and after a first date with a woman.

Bill wrote, “I met an attractive woman on Match.com. She’s 10 years younger. She and I agreed to meet for coffee at a location about halfway between where we live, a two-mile drive for each of us. From her profile picture, she is pretty. I’m a little nervous. Her name is Jackie.

“We talked over the phone and knew at least we had a good conversation before we got together. That is a must for first-date people!”

“Can you give me any advice?”

I replied, “Is this your first date since your wife passed away?”

Bill answered, “No, I’ve had a few dates, but I’m not exactly Joe Stud, you know. But I’d like to impress her.”

I said, “Relax, I can tell you are nervous. But that’s ok, after all, this could become your future mate. Just slow down and calm down.”

“It goes without saying to wear a clean shirt. Smile when you greet her and shake her hand. No hug or kiss when you first approach each other. Men tend to talk too much when they are nervous. Be sure you ask questions about her. Encourage her to talk. Make direct eye contact with her. Smile. Use first-date etiquette; actually, any date etiquette.”

Bill said, “Thanks, that will help me break the ice. I will talk for no more than 40 percent of the time and ask her questions. Her profile says she still works full time. I will let you know how it goes.”

A few days later, after his first date, Bill sent me an update. “It went okay with Jackie. She is pretty. Will we see each other again? Probably. It could happen, but I’m unsure. Frankly, it wasn’t a great connection.  She didn’t ask me many questions. I’m 6’ 1; she’s 5’6”—so that works for me. Not too tall and not too short.

“You kind of know if a woman is very interested, somewhat interested or not interested in you. She is somewhat only. But who knows for sure?

“She is divorced and didn’t talk about her ex at all. When I mentioned my wife, this woman sort of felt bad but had no questions about me. When I talked about my interests, the conversation didn’t go very far, but we stayed with her interests and travels.

“It possibly could go somewhere, but I didn’t think she appreciated the breakfast sandwich and beverage because I would have liked a nice thank you for my effort (liked she kind of expected me to pay and I guess that’s ok.)

“She steered away from future plans. I didn’t ask if she wanted to get together again or make any future plans.

“We didn’t get into politics and talked about schools, kids and travel. I probably could have gotten a little more personal and asked what she thought of me. But I don’t want any rejection. We talked for over an hour, so it was going ok, but probably not a strong connection.

“So where does this go? I’m not sure and I’m not clear about my feelings. I could reach out again, but I may leave the ball in her court for her to reach out to me if she is interested enough. So maybe I will ghost her or send her a text in a week to see how she is doing.

 “I mentioned a few ideas about walking together on a hike near the beach or something and got no response on any idea she might have to do something. So, no, the date success wasn’t 100%, but more like 35%.

“At the end, I gave her a small hug, but she wasn’t responsive. So, it left me thinking, ‘Do I want to pursue her anymore?’ Maybe there would be too much work involved. She still works and seems busy. Perhaps some of my thoughts may help her. I want some kind of gratification or some kind of future interest to make me think that she and I want a relationship.

“Oh yes, I said at the very end, ‘Do you prefer a text or a call? She said ‘either.’ So, she could be still in it, but not who knows? Maybe it’s me because of my feelings. I don’t need to start chasing or try to create a fun experience. I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere.”

Tom’s Comment: So that’s how a nice gentleman feels. If there’s any message in Bill’s story for women, it’s that if you like a guy like Bill on a first date, be a little more assertive, showing affection like a kiss on the cheek and saying, “Let’s get together again.” And ask him more questions. However, what Jackie did may indicate that she doesn’t want to proceed seeing him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Senior dating sure has its challenges.

8 Champs Speak

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
April 11, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake
Included today are comments that 8 Champs shared. The above photo was taken by me in Scotland from the deck of a Holland America Line cruise ship of 8 bagpipers, not Champs, performing on the adjacent pier. Like you, Champs, their performance was glorious.

Joe, recently divorced, emailed, “My dating has been limited to meeting women on dating apps. I had an interesting thing happen at a grocery store. I noticed a cute woman in the store. I got to the laundry aisle, and there she was again, looking at items to buy. Although she didn’t look at me, I was tempted to ask if she was single. I missed my chance.  

“My fear was her saying she wasn’t interested in dating me–a comment no guy likes to hear. I am not used to approaching a woman and, after talking to her, asking if she is single. I guess that I might as well try. What do I have to lose? 

Tom’s comment: You have nothing to lose, and you might gain a new potential partner. Fear of being rejected applies to both men and women. Remember the woman Champ, who saw a cute guy in the medical waiting room and blew it by not talking to him?

Single men and women should carry a business card or a card that lists their first name and a safe phone number or email address they could hand to a new acquaintance. In that way, the person could reach out to you if they find you appealing. Like on dating sites, you might experience rejection, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. 

Terry, “I met with my ex-wife this morning to sign all the divorce papers again. My California attorney made mistakes in the original filing.  

“My ex was very angry, even though she was the one who left me. The good part is that I think her anger helped me realize that our divorce was the best thing.  “With the trouble I am having securing this divorce, I will never legally marry again. This was my fourth and last marriage.”  

Alison, 68, “I have enjoyed reading your articles for many years. Widowed three years ago, I ventured into the senior dating scene at the urging of good friends. They introduced me to a widower friend of theirs. We dated casually for a year before deciding to get involved more deeply. We are great companions, have similar interests, and enjoy each other’s company in many ways. He is 78.” 

Cynthia, “I lost my husband many years ago and have not met anyone whom I feel chemistry like I felt before. Not to say the men I’ve met aren’t nice, they are, but it just hasn’t happened. 

“However, the good news is I moved forward emotionally and physically. I’m now living in RMV (Rancho Mission Viejo, Ca.), a wonderful & great active 55+ community. And I’ve developed many new friends to boot! “I’m content with my life for now. I feel happy and grateful for who, what and where I am. And I am blessed to have reached peace of mind within myself. 

“Your articles help seniors feel good (or at least better) about themselves and their situations.” 

Kaitte, “I can’t believe it’s been three years since your partner passed and you’re happy again. I haven’t given up dating, it’s just that I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t make me feel like they’ll put me in a cage with their boundaries and first-date sex. And that’s before I even find out if I would like to get to know them. This cow is not for sale. 

“I’ve built a good life on my tiny 1.5-acre Colorado farm over the last 10 years. I planted 1000 Spring bulbs that were at a clearance sale at Walmart in November– $500 worth of bulbs for $100. I bought them all, and they are everywhere. A man would have to be very open-minded and have his own life like yours. Give me my space. 

“I don’t want a relationship that disrupts my life but adds to it.

Relationship coach Christine Baumgartner and you mention that I must give a guy a chance. I agree, but you usually know after a couple of dates if it’s going to work.” 

Carolyn, “Tom’s recent romantic connection gives me hope for the future. I’m still out here looking and still enjoying myself with other like-minded seniors.   “I am 73 and active. Unfortunately, many men I encounter have health issues and many walk with a cane. Not a problem for me but they aren’t able to walk too far and fall asleep a lot!   

“I always enjoy conversing with all the people I meet at the senior socials. To combat loneliness, seniors should consider joining senior centers. Those places provide many activities and social events. I absolutely love my senior center!”

 Ray Freer, Laguna Woods, Calif.“ Last October, you wrote about my marriage to Libby here in Laguna Woods. We are in our mid-80s. The current buzz around the Village is an event, scheduled for Sunday, May 4 at the Outlets at San Clemente, ‘The Rotary Route: South County Walk for Mental Wellness.’ (10 a.m. to 2 p.m.)

It’s sponsored by nine Rotary Clubs across South Orange County! “Several of our Laguna Woods friends are participating. I mention the walk, thinking that nearby Champs who seek social interaction, making new friends, physical exercise, and support of a worthy cause might want to participate.

For additional information or to register: https://tinyurl.com/4fwkbsvm 

Tom’s comment to Ray: Thanks for the tip. Debbie and I will be joining you and Libby on the May 4 walk. Married life appears fun and rewarding for you two lovebirds. 

Michelle, “I live in Dana Point, California. I know a few Champs who reside in Orange County. What wonderful people. I asked Tom if he would mention that I am seeking a woman roommate to share my casita. It’s a half mile to the beach. Life is better when you aren’t living alone. Email me at michellvrv@gmail.com. Here is the property listing on furnished finder: https://www.furnishedfinder.com/property/594302_1 

Tom’s comment. Michelle lives in a beautiful casita and is a wonderful person. 

Responses to “You Talk too Much (on a senior first date)”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 28, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake
Responses to You Talk Too  Much (on a first date)

First date etiquette

There were multiple responses to last week’s eNewsletter about Susan’s claims that men talk too much about themselves on first dates. Thirteen (4 men, 9 women) responses appear in today’s column. 

Rhonda, “Although I’m older (68), I have a lot in common with Susan, and I have also been following you for many years. I, too, have been on my own for 12 years and am disenchanted with online dating. I’ve tried different platforms, as you suggested, and even spent money on eHarmony for a full year.

“I was told it’s the best senior online dating site–expensive but worth it. It didn’t work that way for me – people from way out of the area and a few dates here and there who, yes, talked almost exclusively about themselves. 

“As much as I tried to talk just a bit about me, it seemed like the man would dial back to something about HIM. It’s fairly apparent when someone doesn’t seem very interested in what you’re saying, and off they go about themselves. I have some interesting traits and things to discuss (I’m a triplet, for example), but it just gets brushed aside. Strange. 

“Are these guys nervous? It’s possible, but they do seem pretty relaxed. Maybe too relaxed? Ditto for the lack of response when texting sometimes. I will text a hello, a joke, or a little something, and get no reaction but simply a picture of his dinner! Huh? 

“Is it possible that many guys in our age group know there are more women seeking their attention, so they become complacent? I wouldn’t tolerate this one-sidedness from a guy who is trying to win me over. 

“I am hopeful there must be SOMEONE out there for me so I’ll keep the faith. I volunteer, play Pickleball and am active and fun. I’m trying, but it’s frustrating.  

Tom, San Juan Capistrano, “I’m 64, live in San Juan Capistrano, and I’ve been single for 13 years. I ride mountain bikes with a group of very friendly, mature people. I’ve learned how to socialize better and communicate since joining the group. It’s helped me take an interest, ask questions, and listen to what a person is saying. This helps me relax on a date.” 

Marianne, “This is the first time I’ve replied to your eNewsletter. I’ve had the same experience as Susan. I have been on over 30 dates using Match.com and all the men talked about themselves incessantly on the first date. They may be nervous. However, I think they treat the first date as a job interview because they really don’t know another way to have a conversation.
 
“It’s disappointing that men our age lack the skills to carry on a mutually stimulating conversation on a date. I have done what Tom suggested and interrupted to make my own comments about what he has said, or I’ve bluntly said “My turn” with a smile.   

“I always speak to a potential date on the phone first, and the conversation flows easily. It is puzzling why it is more awkward for men in person. Perhaps, in-person conversation skills are a lost art because of texting, which everyone seems to rely on these days. Texting your thoughts is a one-way conversation that doesn’t’ require sitting in front of a real-life person looking into their eyes for understanding or acknowledgement. 

“My advice for Susan is keep going on dates and understand that your dates may be nervous. However, break into the conversation and talk about what you are interested in, and see how the conversation goes from there.” 

Joanie, “Tom why don’t you start off with 10 questions to ask on a first date to try to get to know someone? Many folks talk too much about non-meaningful subjects (their new car, what trips they have been on, etc.)–subjects that don’t contribute to getting to know each other. So, the relationship never gets off the ground.” 

Cheryl, “Champ Susan is spot on with her why men don’t ask questions! I have been dating for 20 years. I am a great conversationalist, have a good sense of humor, and am educated and attractive. Yet 99% of men talk about themselves during the entire date. I’ve asked men, ‘Do you want to know anything about me?’ Often, I must push my way into a conversation and say something about me that’s pertinent to what he’s saying. 

“Sometimes I articulate clearly, but humorously, something like, ‘I hope we’re not going to spend the entire time talking about Medicare!’ I have tried everything, and the result is always the same: the man goes right back to the subject he was talking about (himself), as though I hadn’t even spoken. There is NOTHING amiss about Susan. It’s the men who need help. 

“They never learned the art of conversation, or the etiquette involved. They’ve never learned how to be genuinely interested in a woman’s life. Mostly, they are busy wondering if they are going to get sex tonight or if they’re wasting their time with me. They are simply not present on the date.” 

John, “I agree with Susan about finding the right prince who understands balance in conversations, as you pointed out so she could share her experiences, views, and perspectives on things with a potential mate.  

“Asking questions about each other leads to information to build upon for compatibility. I hope she eventually finds the right prince among us frogs, especially in a nice area like Dana Point.  

Belinda, Ajijic Mexico, “Like Susan, I’m 63. I’ve had several long-term relationships and a 22-year marriage over the last 45 years. I spent six years on Match with no dates. All the men I expressed an interest in did not reciprocate my interest. I met two guys on EHarmony. Neither were right for me. Zoosk had better results for me as far as the amount of men to meet, but because it’s a free service (or was), there are a lot of ‘questionable’ men on the site: Married, Nigerian Scammers, etc. 

“Same problems on Facebook, Yahoo, and especially on Plenty of Fish. I spent years searching actively and I finally gave up. It will need to happen organically now, if it happens at all. Tell Susan I’ve also had those dates where the men just run off at the mouth about themselves and never want to know anything about me. It’s exhausting. I wish her well.” 

Joel, 80, newly widowed, said, “Having spent years on Match.com up to 2012, finding the perfect mate, getting married and then widowed, I’m back as a widower in 2025. 

“What I heard back then and hear now from women is that many, if not most, of the men they meet are like the ones Champ Susan met. They spill their guts and don’t seem interested in her. 

“Knowing this, I go into an interview (a first meeting is NOT a ‘date’) with questions based on what a woman’s online profile says. A recent prospect told me many things about her life, wishes and hopes, her politics, her activities, etc. We talked for 1 ½ hours.  

“She told me I was unusual, special, and that I would be very appealing to any women I meet because I ask questions. She said she had never met a man so interested in her. I was encouraged. In my follow-up phone call, she said she wanted to ask me questions because she was taken aback.  

“She said, ‘I was so caught up I didn’t think to ask you about anything.’ I said, ask away, and she did. Turned out she either wasn’t interested in me or, maybe, anyway, at this point, so I told her to let me know if she changed her mind. 

“Men will do much better if they learn about active listening and go into any first meeting with a prospect armed with questions and the desire to get to know her. You will stand out as unusual and you will learn enough to decide whether to go forward. “Here’s good place to start developing a new approach (this will work for women as well): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening 

Julie (in Florida), “I found Susan’s email and your response both fascinating and thought-provoking. Your point about the men possibly being nervous is well-taken. The pressure of a first date, especially in the context of online dating, can be incredibly daunting. However, I also wonder if Susan’s own approach might inadvertently contribute to the one-sided conversations she’s experiencing. 

“Your suggestion of a therapist is excellent. Exploring potential communication patterns or subconscious expectations could provide valuable insights. It’s also worth considering that the dating landscape has changed dramatically, and Susan’s experiences might reflect the challenges inherent in online interactions – the lack of immediate nonverbal cues can make it difficult to gauge genuine interest or build rapport.

“I especially appreciate your new “Ask the Therapist” feature – it’s a wonderful addition to your newsletter. 

“My own experience, at 73 and recently widowed, mirrors Susan’s apprehension. The dating world feels vastly different now, and the added layer of online scams presents a real concern.

“Navigating this requires a balance of cautious optimism and self-awareness. Perhaps Susan could explore alternative ways to meet people outside of online dating, focusing on activities and social groups that align with her interests. This could lead to more organic and authentic connections.” 

Shelley, “Susan is correct. Most men at this age talk about themselves and are only thinking about their agenda. Maybe they are trying to impress us but just want the prize with no investment in who you are as a person. They just need attraction and a nice smile from you. Very shallow. I’ve gone on plenty of dates and know this to be true.”  

Dee: “Susan thinks very highly of herself and likes being single. She doesn’t really need a man. She knows (not thinks) she’s gorgeous from her self-description. Perhaps she comes off to the men as I saw her; self-absorbed. Good luck Susan and all those lucky men who she chooses to go out with.”  

Jackie, from Georgia, “I remember being on a dating site and the guy called me and talked nonstop for 2 hours. WHY I stayed listening was beyond me with his comment – “Next time you can do all the talking. I was too worn out to want another time to talk. He called one time and said, ‘Oh, the wrong Jackie!’  

“I agree with you that getting out and especially enjoying Dana Point. The Harbor is inviting. Who knows who you might meet at Costco? My sister and I ran into you there a few years ago. 

“I’ve dated four widowers since Randy passed and they only had marriage on their mind. For me, friendship was what I was enjoying. I’d tell Susan to enjoy her freedom! I hope you can help people with your new – ‘Ask the Therapist’ I’ve had my share of counseling in my day! 

Elenute “It’s not bad to give people the benefit of the doubt, as you do, Tom. Yes, they might be nervous, etc., but they are also revealing who they are. I’ve dated a lot of men, and some of them really don’t understand that conversation should be a two-way street. It’s very hard to find one who does. Even then, watch out for narcissists. 

Comment from Tom: Three men emailed me, asking if I thought Susan would be willing to meet them for coffee. I let her know. And I believe she may have agreed. Remember, I’m not a matchmaker, but it seems that it might have happened this week. When Champs email me, it’s important they include their city where they live and their approximate age. 

Ask The Therapist

Dear Debbie, “What can senior men do to prepare themselves for a first date so they don’t talk too much about themselves?

Great question! I’d also include what women can do to prepare for a first date. First impressions matter, so basic grooming—showering, deodorant, flossing, and dressing comfortably and appropriately—is essential. It may seem obvious, but both men and women sometimes overlook these details.

For online dating, I found it helpful to get to know someone through messages before meeting. Texting and phone conversations reveal a lot—sense of humor, availability, flexibility, values, and common interests—all of which can help determine compatibility before agreeing to a date.

Preparation also includes a good night’s sleep, a positive attitude, and being on time. Regarding last week’s topic of talking too much, I often attribute it to nerves. If there’s a connection, I’ll go on a second date to see if that’s the case.

On the date, ask open-ended questions, (e.g, if you could change one trait about yourself, what would it be?  If your best friend could choose an adjective(s) to describe you what would it (they) be?  What does your ideal weekend look like?), make eye contact, and practice active listening. If one person dominates the conversation, try summarizing what they said and asking a follow-up question—this keeps the conversation balanced and engaging. 

Debbie Sirkin, LMFT, does not provide any psychological or other health-related services or advice to individuals within the newsletter, and even when responses to questions are answered in the second person as a literary device, they are general and hypothetical, and not intended to be personal for the questioner. Answers are for general information only, and never constitute advice for any individual. Under no circumstances does Ms. Sirkin provide legal advice or medical advice.

You Talk Too Much

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 25

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake
You Talk Too Much (About Yourself)

Champ Susan emailed this week: “I’ve been reading your weekly column for years. Seeing you go through the horror of losing your soul mate and you following your advice to find a new mate. 

“I’m 63, living in Dana Point, California, and have been single for 12 years. A couple of short-term relationships in between. I’m perfectly happy living by myself—thin, attractive, and smart. Reading about health, the experts say that a meaningful relationship adds to your health. So, I joined Zoosk, Match, and Facebook dating. 

“In three months, I’ve had 4 dates with different men. On each date, the men only talked about themselves. What is up with that? Don’t they understand the difference between a conversation and a lecture? It’s not a job interview. Either you like each other, or you don’t. Why don’t they want to know more about me? I want to know about them.

“I had a 5th date yesterday. I had to laugh at him. I have an S-class Mercedes, and he has a Tesla. He looked at my car and said, ‘OMG, you have two exhaust pipes.’ He was serious. I don’t think he will date me again.  

“I’m frustrated with online dating. I don’t like Zoosk because they send you this carousel of men, but you can’t see where they are from or anything about them until you like them. Not having any luck on Match as far as getting dates. Everyone that likes me is 60+ miles away. I specify the distance, but it only makes a difference when I search, it doesn’t stop others from writing to me from far away.
 
“Facebook dating is free, and I get the most local people to evaluate. Am I missing something?”

Tom’s comment: “Why do the men you’ve dated only talk about themselves? I imagine they are nervous, perhaps fearing that you won’t like them, so they must tell you all the positive things about themselves. They don’t understand it’s common etiquette on a date for each person to share the conversation, especially on the first date when impressions are so important. 
 
“Perhaps, they are intimidated by you and feel you are out of their league. They may be talking nonstop about themselves to convince you they are worthy of your attention.

“So, Susan, keep trying to meet men. Perhaps change the online dating service you use. In addition to online dating, get out and about in your city of Dana Point. Meet new people. Senior dating is a numbers game.”

That each of Susan’s four dates talked too much about themselves and didn’t ask about her is puzzling to me. I don’t have a good answer. I think it’s time for Susan to get an opinion from a therapist. It might be that she is doing something wrong by attracting strange men. 

I remember the novelty smash hit song, “You Talk Too Much” by Joe Jones. When it was popular in 1960, I was in college at DePauw University, Greencastle, Indiana, and scored a date with one of the most attractive women on the campus.

She dominated the conversation about herself, and that song kept popping into my head while she chatted away. I didn’t understand why she was talking so much about herself. I guess she didn’t want a second date with me so she figured if she dominated the conversation, I would realize the date would be our only one. She was right, we didn’t go out again. But we remained cordial friends.

When Susan emailed me her question this week, it reminded me of that date 65 years ago. What a riot! Both senior men and women should remember conversation etiquette on first dates and all dates. If conversation slows to a standstill, or your date is talking too much about themselves, ask him or her a question like, “Would you like to hear a bit about me?” That question would be a good reminder for them that they are talking too much.

My buddy Jim says it’s also important to make eye contact with your dates, and they should make eye contact with you. If the one-way conversation continues, consider rolling your eyebrows, yawning, or rubbing your nose.
If the question and the gestures go right over their head, that person isn’t the right potential mate for you. He might be a narcissist, unable to adapt.
A final somewhat unrelated thought. What did Susan’s Tesla-owner date mean when he commented about her two exhaust pipes? That guy sounds pretty strange to me.

So, Champs, let’s hear your opinions about Susan’s issue. 
And one new item. Since Champs have been asking me about therapists lately, I’ve decided to implement a new eNewsletter feature. It will start in next week’s newsletter and appear every other week, at least for now. It will be called Ask The Therapist.

The way it will work: Champs will email me with Ask The Therapist words in the subject line. Then they will write out their question within the body of the email. Limit 50 words. I will share the question with Champ Debbie, a therapist, and my significant other, and she will write her reply in an upcoming eNewsletter. We will give it a try and see how it goes. Only first names will be used. Your city is optional. This feature will appear at the end of the eNewsletter.

A woman with True Grit

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2024
by Tom Blake Column and Senior Dating Expert
 Why did an email from Champ Lisa this week remind me of the movie True Grit? How could a Champ forget that movie’s gritty performances by Kim Darby and John Wayne and the 1969 title song by Glen Campbell?

(In the picture above, Lisa is with one of her horses in Tucson, Arizona)

I made that Lisa/True Grit connection because what Lisa accomplished in the last five years took true grit. Her story touches upon issues that seniors often face. 

Lisa wrote: “Your eNewsletter last week about a woman in a long-distance relationship raised issues applicable to many seniors these days: Relocating to a different state 

“A lifelong Californian, I moved to Tucson, Arizona 4 1/2 years ago, at age 70, bought horse property, a wonderful home with a pool, and all I could ask for. 

I asked Lisa what inspired her to relocate, to make that gutsy move. She said, “My reason for leaving California was due to the growing situation in California over many years. Among them: is changing the laws to let criminals out of prison

-Related to that, revising the law (again) so that those criminals may now steal without consequence   – This made me feel that as I get older, I would be even more vulnerable to crime

-Related again, the ever-increasing problem with homelessness, even though my city of Burbank was able to keep a lid on it

-State taxes: why should I be paying for the homeless and illegal aliens, who get free health care?  -The state where I was born has gone off the rails (including Jerry’s choo choo.)  Tom’s comment: Lisa was referring to the high-speed train being built between Los Angeles and Las Vegas of which Governor Jerry Brown was a proponent. 

Lisa continued, “I wanted to move to Arizona or New Mexico. NM is a beautiful state but they tax Social Security, whereas Arizona does not. They also have lots of problems. 

“Dry heat is my preference, I’m not a fan of the humidity in other locations. “I consider myself somewhat of a lizard, relishing the sun and the heat which is why I relocated to Southern Arizona. 

“I’m at a higher elevation than the city of Tucson, and it’s considerably cooler, especially more so than Phoenix, which is a couple of hours away. 

“I didn’t follow my friends who had moved to Phoenix, but I am glad that they are in Arizona.”

Relocating again after 4 ½ years 

Another move recently took even more true grit on her part. She is 76 and again did the move on her own. Lisa continued, “I just moved to SaddleBrooke, a 55+ community in Tucson, with many amenities, and am boarding my horses at a ranch nearby. 

“My reasons for moving were (1) The social isolation, my home was at the end of a private road, with all (lovely) married couples for neighbors. I wasn’t meeting single seniors. 

And (2) the upkeep on the one-acre property (25 + mesquite trees) and the difficulty of getting safely to the riding trails, if I were to ride alone.

Life at SaddleBrooke 

“In SaddleBrooke, there are many friendly and interesting people, and I am finding that a few residents also have horses where I am boarding mine. 

“Tucson is very spread out as well, and the east side is more than an hour away, so some people factor that in and are sometimes reluctant to drive to my area. 

“Since being at SaddleBrooke, I have not only been busy with the move but have had some great social events that I have attended, the most recent being a Kentucky Derby party at the boarding ranch (with an SB neighbor who also boards her horse there) and an SB Cinco de Mayo party with a fabulous Mariachi band. And now, my house is being painted! 

“I do see my friends who live in Phoenix occasionally. One of them was down for the weekend with her boyfriend. “I haven’t left home overnight–except once–because I had the horses on my property to care for. That may change since the horses are now boarded, but I still have two kitties (easier to find someone to feed them, though). 

Lisa’s perspective on dating and LDRs and challenges “I don’t know about the single men in my community yet; it is quite a large community, but I have had much social interaction since being here for less than two months. 

“I have been contacted by a few men in the Phoenix area and beyond. Phoenix, depending on the area, is approximately two hours away. 

“I won’t consider a LDR because when I find someone, with whom I want to be exclusive, I would like to see them two or three times weekly. This doesn’t mean I would only want to see them for that limited time. 

“One of the challenges here is that many people on Match.com–the site I’m on–are ‘snowbirds’ and fly away to cooler homes during the summer. 

“I have not chosen well in my romantic history, so I am leery of living with someone again. I don’t want to be joined at the hip. Of course, one never knows, if I fall in love, those feelings might change. 

“I like to see friends, ride my horse, and like my ‘alone time.’ I am not particularly domestic, and I don’t want to have to cook for someone, at least not regularly. 

“I have introduced some of my friends to your column. You have helped many.”

Tom’s Thoughts Hats off to Lisa. A woman with True Grit. I admire Lisa’s determination and true grit in pursuing her life and constantly working to improve it. I also admire her love of animals, her kitties, and horses. The most important lesson that Champs can take away from Lisa’s story is the need for social interaction.

At age 76, she relocated again to improve her social interaction. I read an article online this week that stated that loneliness is as deadly to seniors as smoking or drinking excessively. If any Champ would like to reach out to Lisa, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your email to her.

Horse lovers are especially encouraged to contact her. Lisa has been a Champ for 12 years. I know she will inform us how this current move works for her. I checked the SaddleBrooke website and feel Lisa made the right move. It appears to be a spectacular place. 

Here’s the link to the 1969 song, “True Grit,” sung by Glen Campbell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIyXkRIhFKE

Senior Marriage: Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?

Photo by Tom Blake taken in Prague
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 1, 2024
By Columnist Tom Blake
Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?
By Columnist Tom Blake 

In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Kathy met a man while volunteering at her church office. At a church supper, twice she sat next to ‘John,’ who is 80. She’s 76. Both are widowed. He was smitten with her and told her he liked her. They started dating. 

Kathy said John has some health issues and wants to leave his estate to her and he feels marriage might make it easier to do that. And he wants to take a road trip West together. The marriage question is what triggered responses.

I have selected nine of the responses, all from women. Before we proceed to those nine responses, I didn’t want men left out. So, Part 2 at the end is a short fun anecdote that Champ Mark sent in. 

Part 1 – Nine responses from women 

Terry emailed, “Tom, this is great — Kathy and John can be more than friends and I would encourage it. But if they marry, the cost of his medical treatment could become her responsibility. “If he wants to leave her something he can do that and it is a wonderful gesture, but what if his money problems become a financial burden for her? 

“She should have a great time, but there is no point in getting married. It’s one thing if you have been married many years and created a life together. At the end of life, it’s another ballgame.” 

Joanie, “If she marries him, her assets become his as well especially if he outlives her. Things are better off staying as they are – she has a nice friend, no marital obligations and no financial worries about her own assets or her kids’ inheritances. And she has a nice companion. she can still take the trip out West. Friends travel together all the time.” 

Sally, “I first met you in 1996, 30 years ago. I am still enjoying the single life and it’s ok to be alone without a companion underfoot. Most of my friends feel this way and don’t want to be someone’s ‘nurse or purse.’ 

“Bone cancer is a terrible cancer. My husband died of that in four months after agonizing treatment and pain, including going into a coma from chemo.  

“Why should Kathy set herself up for a third heartbreak? If she marries John, she can be liable for all his bills left behind. I lived through that one too.  “It makes no sense that he would leave everything to her and not his family. She is in for a legal battle for sure if he has kids. Before agreeing to a legal commitment, she should review his will and trust with an attorney before getting married. 

“Also, John has diabetes. Again, oh my, if he isn’t responsible for good eating habits why take that on too? “I say slow down and just have fun together as companions without the caregiver’s responsibility. Also find girlfriends to hang out with. It’s much less complicated.” 

Tom’s response to Sally’s comment about John’s diabetes. A person can have Type 2 diabetes even when they have good eating habits. It’s not his fault that he has Type 2 or Type 1. Eating properly is an important part of the battle. Taking doctor-prescribed medications also can be necessary. 

Norma, “You covered a lot in your article for people to think about.  

“I had been to my doctor’s office for my yearly wellness check in June and my doctor said all my numbers were good and I was doing well for my age. He added, ‘Just don’t fall.’ 

“Two weeks later, I knew something was not right with my health. I did not have the classic symptoms of a heart attack and drove myself to Redlands Hospital. “They had to transfer me to Desert Regional Hospital in Palm Springs because there were no hospitals in the area that had a bed available to treat my condition and that led to open heart surgery. The Dr. In Palm Springs, a great surgeon called me a miracle and told me to go home and enjoy my life. My point being is like you told Kathy: Take the trip West.” 

Linda, “Kathy is not in love with John. She won’t marry him, but she’ll accept his assets. Isn’t that interesting!” 

Stephanie from the Midwest, “Tom, I think your advice to Kathy is spot on! First, you’re right that she got out of the house to do an activity, a biggie for meeting someone for dating.  

“Second, they met at church where the only seat available twice was next to John, was God trying to tell her something? They follow the same religion, which is a big plus. 

“Third, John is right in that if they were married there would be less chance of anyone being able to challenge his will–who knows if a child or even distant cousin could say Kathy exerted undue influence on their relative in getting him to leave her his assets…this wouldn’t be a consideration if they were married and her name was on everything as a joint owner. 

“Story: My ex-husband was married for nine years to a woman six years younger. They were living in her house but because he was paying for many expenses out of his income (such as utilities and repairs) he insisted that she should put him on the house ownership papers as a joint tenant. (He also owned another home which he had rented out.) She did so.  

“She also had two adult sons at the time, and they were on very good terms with the new husband. At age 58 after nine years of marriage, the wife had a stroke and died a month later! My ex got her house as he was the joint tenant (this is in California, LA County), which was okay with the sons as she had a life insurance policy that provided for them. The point is: Kathy, get your name on John’s house papers!” 

Lisa, “I hope that you will not consider me to be a cynic, but as far as marriage is concerned, Kathy might be left with financial obligations when John passes, perhaps medical bills incurred at the last stages of his life. When someone’s estate is settled, debts come before the beneficiary gets the proceeds. “
I became cognizant of this type of situation during my last brief, but disastrous marriage. My new husband and I had bought a small ranch about 50 miles from downtown Los Angeles, where we both worked. “I started doing freelance work from home and taking care of the horses. He would take my completed work into the city, so I didn’t have to make frequent trips. However, he would often stay late in LA frequently, drinking with friends, and getting home still appearing to be over the limit as far as alcohol was concerned. “I came to realize that if he killed or maimed someone while driving DUI, I could be financially responsible for the results. There were other considerations, and I left the marriage as soon as I could make the logistics work for me. “In my opinion, marriage is more important if people are having children or buying real estate together, and for those whose religion is sufficiently important to them where it is necessary to keep from ‘living in sin.’ “Of course, John could have enough assets that would cover any kind of situation that I mentioned above. “I don’t think that it’s a good idea for Kathy and John to chance it. Furthermore, marriage might spoil the lovely relationship they presently have. I agree with you about the trip West; they should enjoy the time they have together, albeit without complicating the situation.” 

Deanne, “Kathy, what are you waiting for? Are you missing something, or did you leave out his criminal record? “John sounds wonderful, loving and kind. He is looking out for you too. You have so much in common. 

“If we all lived in fear, the world would not exist. Our hearts are fragile, but I believe we need to understand how important it is to fill our hearts. 

“I believe I died when my husband died. I believe my heart longs for a fill up and I also want to give all of me to someone who cares for me and may need me. 

“I’ve been a widow (after the most wonderful 33 years) for almost 10 years now – 8/6/2014. I can’t believe it’s been this long living alone. My heart is bursting at the seams with the love I want to give to someone else. 

“Our lives are all giant leaps of faith. You need to jump again. Today is it, don’t waste any of the precious time you could be living with John. 

“I know over 100 women looking for their ‘John.’  

“Good luck, free fall into his life now. Don’t wait.” 

Jane, “I am a skeptic and have two girlfriends who have lost a lot of money to scammers. One never met the man but gave him money. 

“The other (a senior) had dated a man for a year. He went to church with her every Sunday. He had a house that she would go to. Everyone was on board and excited that these two wonderful people had found each other. 

“She was wealthy and after a year she sent him an extremely large amount of money. He disappeared never to be seen again. In Kathy’s situation, John told her he has bone cancer. Has she been to a doctor’s appointment with him? If they married, would her assets immediately become his assets? 

“I would not marry someone to make it easier for paperwork. I wish Kathy the best. There is a chance that he is completely on the up and up. But there is also a chance that he is not. I wouldn’t take the risk.”

Part 2 – Keeping Senior Dating Simple 

Champ Mark emailed, “A single friend in Newport Beach has been in the dating game for several years. He has developed a list of criteria he calls ‘5S’ that he uses when evaluating potential partners.” 

Single
Sane
Straight
Sober
Solvent 
I responded to Mark. “Here could be three more: 
Sumptuous
Stunning
Startling 

“If only senior dating were so SIMPLE.”

Reader Responses To Gummies vs. Alcohol in Senior Dating

On Love And Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 2, 2024

By Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

          Responses From Champs to Gummies vs Alcohol

Two weeks ago, the eNewsletter included a woman’s comments regarding a Gummies vs. Alcohol issue she and her boyfriend of four years were having.

She wrote, “I still work so I don’t drink alcohol during the week. However, come Friday and Saturday, I like nothing more than opening a bottle of Chardonnay and enjoying it while making dinner. It can take the ‘edge’ off from work.

She added that if she goes out, she won’t drive if she has more than two glasses of wine.

Also, she said, “I see my boyfriend of almost four years on weekends only. We live 30 miles apart. He would rather I not drink. There was a time he drank too much, but stopped 15 years ago, cold turkey, just stopped.

“However, he does like to smoke pot on occasion and ingest cannabis-infused gummies. I must say the gummies are loads of fun and, together we have a great time when taking them. We dance, laugh, tell silly stories, etc.”

Tom’s comment: (I wonder what she means by “etc?” I see a couple of you smiling at that comment.)

She continued: “The problem is I still prefer my Chardonnay over the gummies. He would prefer I stop drinking alcohol and just take the gummies. He swears they are way better for me than alcohol. So, we argue about Gummies vs. Alcohol. What do Champs think?

            Eight Responses From Champs

Only one man responded directly to this issue. Two men said they were looking forward to reading the responses. Several men talked about non-related topics.

Here’s what the seven women said:

ST (a woman Champ) “Gummies vs Chardonnay – what business is it of his? This is manipulative and controlling. Give in to his demands and who knows what awaits down the line? He should keep his own council.”

Beach Girl, “It’s a good thing that the gummy lover lives 30 miles away and only sees Ms. Chardonnay on weekends. He had a problem with alcohol so he’s transferring his past issues onto her – it’s a control thing. Tell Ms. Chardonnay to enjoy her wine and ignore his preaching. If he doesn’t lay off, dump him.”

Linda, “My thoughts about Chardonnay versus gummies are she should have her glass or two during the week when she’s home. Maybe the gummies on weekends. I guess she isn’t telling us the truth and is drinking during the week too. I don’t believe everything people tell me.”

Jeanne, “Driving on gummies is just as bad as on alcohol!”  

Althea, “I think this anonymous woman has already figured it out. She wants to know if this relationship will work when she drinks, and he does not. He takes cannabis gummies, she does also, but only to please him.

“They live in separate homes and have been seeing each other for four years, so apparently the arrangement is working out for them.

“She said they probably will never move in together because they like their own homes and that the alcohol vs. gummies issue might cause problems if they did. So, what is the real issue? They are in a LAT relationship, and it will last as long as the arrangement is working, and both are content. Right?

“Though I wonder how often he is trying to get her to stop the alcohol and instead take gummies with him, because to me that is a small red flag, controlling behavior.

“Bottom line: If you care (love) someone you take them as they are, especially in our senior years when our long lives have made us who we are and change of habits rarely happens.”

Kaitte: “Short and sweet. That’s the pot calling the kettle black–his gummies. His problem; not hers. She enjoys her wine after working all week. If a man consistently told me what to do, the weekender would be no more.”

Elenute, “Hopefully, there are some things they enjoy about each other besides whatever substances he or she uses.

“My former boyfriend tended to have one drink a night and drank socially occasionally. I don’t drink at all. It was never a problem for us.

“As long as neither one drives high, it’s up to you to drink or do gummies, whatever you prefer. Why is he telling you what to do? Is there a pattern there?”

Jim, “I hope the woman communicates her desire to enjoy a glass of wine to him so he understands more. He shouldn’t be trying to change the situation now or ever.

“He should realize he won’t change her; he needs to back off and enjoy getting the ‘edge’ off in his way. This gummies vs. alcohol issue isn’t worth losing the relationship over. They both can adjust and still have fun together. She seems open to using gummies at different times whereas some people won’t be open to gummies at all.”

Tom’s reply: I was surprised that so few men commented, but Jim’s words are well-spoken. After reading all the opinions, mainly from women, I realized–as a man–that maybe this isn’t a big deal. For many senior couples, it may not be an issue at all.

I asked my partner, Debbie Sirkin Psychotherapist, to read the above comments. Her response was like mine. Both of us felt he wasn’t trying to control her by getting her to stop drinking wine.

What Debbie picked up on is that the women who responded may have been ‘projecting’ things from their own lives that may have been problematic for them, either in the past or present.

Debbie added, “I think Althea summed it up best.”

So, Champs, enjoy your wine or pot or gummies, but the important thing is “in moderation.” And if your doctor insists that you stop drinking or smoking pot, consider changing your ways.

Please keep your emails coming. Next week, it’s the Super Bowl and/or Valentine’s. Which to write about? Such a dilemma.

Emotionally Available To Date?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
December 8, 2023
Emotionally Available To Date?
By Tom Blake 
Mareah and George- Widowed Friends (photo by George B)

           Two Widowed Friends (Champs) Featured Today 

George B., San Francisco, is one of our longest-tenured Champs (for 20+ years). This week George emailed a picture of himself and his woman friend Mareah (see above). It was taken last week at the annual Christmas luncheon at The Presidio Golf & Concordia Club, in San Francisco. 

George said, “The Presidio Golf Club was established in 1896 and the Argonaut-Concordia Club was established in 1864, both in San Francisco. The two clubs merged in 2016. 

“Mareah and I met on September 27, 2007, four months after my second wife Laura died and six years after Mareah’s husband died. So, it’s been more than 16 years since our relationship began. 

“Now we have a senior long-distance friendship (LDF) because Mareah became a first-time grandmother through her son last year and moved to Colorado Springs to be there for them.

We never got married, although we did seriously contemplate matrimony. “I am 83 and she is 64. We’ve had a grand adventure with annual cruises and land away-from-home trips, and she comes to the Bay Area with her now-married daughter so the companionship, albeit intermittent, continues. 

“We will be cruising to Alaska for 11 days in 2024.” George is a special friend of mine. Here’s why. I checked my Gmail archives and since 2009, George has sent me 39 emails. His and Mareah’s love story is Chapter 29 in my “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” book.

Mareah met George’s wife Laura years before in the early 2000s.

In September 2007, George was sitting at the bar at Celia’s Mexican Restaurant San Francisco (Judah Street at 45th Avenue in San Francisco) when he spotted Mareah and asked her to sit beside him on a just-vacated barstool. Their relationship/friendship began then. 

When I attended a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain reunion in Sausalito about 15 years ago, George decided to come. He had never worked at a VS restaurant but wanted to meet me and many other former employees. He fit right in with them. George retired from a career in the California National Guard and the US Coast Guard.

His Coast Guard affiliation was a nice coincidence for us. My Uncle, George Pardee, was a Chief Specialist for the Coast Guard, who was honorably discharged on September 5, 1945 (see Uncle George’s Honorable Discharge papers below). 

What I’ve learned in writing columns for 29 years is that every Champ has had an interesting life. Thanks, George B. for sharing as you always do. 

Part 2 -Kaitte wonders if she is emotionally available for a relationship 

Champ Kaitte also emailed this week. (I also checked my Gmail archives and found that Kaitte has sent approximately 50 emails over the past 2 1/2 years.)
She said, “Your thoughts Tom? Can a woman be too self-sufficient? I’m thinking I’m so settled and content in my single life of 23 years, and have my little farm to keep me busy, that I might not be emotionally available for an intimate relationship. I want no man drama.

“But I wonder. I’m no sex goddess but I’m attractive and look younger than my age. Do men look at me and think she’s someone’s baby? I don’t wear rings on my ring finger. I’m always the one who strikes up a conversation. One date and they are gone. My friend said it’s because I don’t make men feel needed.” 

In an earlier email, Kaitte wrote, “I have 6 companions, 2 dogs and 4 indoor/outdoor cats all rescues. They are great company, and no drama even as they age.

“I get a taste of what it would be like to live with someone when my son comes home, especially with friends. NO THANK YOU.” 

          Tom’s response to Kaitte 

“Your comment, ‘Do men look at me and think she’s someone’s baby?’ reminds me of Jackson Browne’s song, Somebody’s Baby. Perhaps they do. But, in your case, there are other major considerations. (See the link below to the song Somebody’s Baby). 

“You mention you have a small farm, and as I recall, it’s in a somewhat remote area of Colorado. My guess is the number of nearby single men in your age range is limited. You may need to do online dating so that you cast your net to include areas where there might be more men.

Living remotely, although you love it, might be a reason you aren’t meeting senior men. “Being emotionally available is a big consideration. You mention that you want ‘no man drama.’ Most relationships have some drama. That’s the nature of the sexes. You may be turning men off when first meeting them if you start ranting about man drama. 

“I respect that you have six rescues. Most everyone loves pets. However, some men might be turned off by your six animals living at home. Also, some might be allergic to pets. I hope Champs with pets don’t freak out over my comment. 

“Emotional availability is probably the biggest issue senior singles face. For a relationship to succeed, each partner must be emotionally available. If one isn’t, the relationship won’t work. “I know a widow, aged early 70s, who is the salt of the earth. A guy would be fortunate to have her in his life. She’s been a widow for just over a year. She’s one of the kindest and most considerate women I’ve ever met. She’s nonstop go-go-go with her women friends.

“But she does not want to date and she’s not emotionally available to date. Is that wrong? Heavens no, it’s simply her choice. She knows what’s important to her. But down the road, if she changes her mind and decides to date, she will need to become emotionally available. Maybe she will or maybe she won’t. But certainly not now. 

“So Kaitte, in your case, I don’t think you are emotionally available. I’m not criticizing you, but you are content within your environment, so until you decide to embrace the senior dating scene, you will continue to ponder your self-sufficiency.” “We’ll see if Champs have thoughts or opinions of their own.”

Link below to Jackson Browne’s song “Somebody’s Baby.”
Link to Jackson Browne singing “Somebody’s Baby”
Tom's 50 couples book
Tom’s How 50 Couples Found Love After 50″ Book
Tom’s Uncle George’s US Coast Guard Honorable Discharge certificate dated September 5, 1945