| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletterNovember 17, 2023 Part one – Dating When a Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s Part two – The New York Times mention By Columnist Tom Blake |
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| Part One – Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s Champ Bob emailed me this week (week of November 13 2023) with a question. He wrote, “My wife, presently in ‘Memory Care,’ has been my friend and life partner for 53 years. “I cared for my wife at home, as well as I could, during her early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease, which began five years ago. Now, she is almost non-verbal, and on medication, though lovely to see. “Would a ‘friend’ relationship, open and honest, with guidelines be viable given my circumstances? I am 87, healthy with no limitations. My favorites: Travel, live theatre, dinner perhaps twice a week, walking and caring for my lovely home, music, and dancing. “I am financially independent and believe I am open and honest with a good sense of humor. What do you think?” Bob’s situation rang a bell. I wrote about this topic in May 2011. The title, “Dating When a Spouse is Institutionalized with Alzheimer’s.” I accessed that column from the archives. Not much has changed on this topic since then so I am quoting from it. Words and quotes from the 2011 article “When a spouse has Alzheimer’s disease, is committed to an institution, no longer recognizes her or his spouse, and it’s been going on for years, is it OK for that person’s spouse to seek comfort in a relationship?” “Ed said, My wife has early onset Alzheimer’s disease, a beautiful woman, age 59, whom I love very much. She is mentally gone now, doesn’t know me or anyone else, and sleeps much of the day. The rapid onset has been very discouraging; she has been in assisted living for two years. “My family and friends are OK with my ‘moving on,’ as long as my wife receives the care she has now. I have no problem with that; I see her three to four times a week, but I cannot bring her home anymore. “I met a widow two months ago. We see each other several times a week. We have tentative plans to do some traveling. Our relationship is platonic. She is very traditional. She says, ‘Who gives me a pass (the right) to date a married man?’ “Society, her friends, and the church we attend have sanctions, which she is concerned about. I don’t know how to answer her. What should I say?” I asked Champs for their opinions (Remember, this is almost 14 years ago.) What Champs said in 2011 Diane, who was in a similar situation, but with the roles reversed, said, “It’s a long and dark tunnel when going through Alzheimer’s with a loved one, but it helps to have a light at the end of that tunnel and someone waiting there for you who loves you.” Gregory said, “Supreme Court Associate Justice Sandra Day O’Connor (the first woman to serve on the United States Supreme Court) dealt with the reverse situation. Her husband found a ‘friend’ while at the nursing home. Justice O’Connor was delighted he had someone to be with.” Jon wrote, “Considering that there really is no marriage anymore, and his spouse is apparently unable to comprehend what is going on, a relationship is within reason.” Cydne emailed, “If Ed’s friend is concerned about what other people think, her answer is no. I don’t worry about what society or others think about my life decisions. That’s why I’m so happy.” Mary said, “There will always be some holier than thou, a judgmental busybody who will make her life miserable with criticism and condemnation. So what, go for it!” George stated, “Alzheimer’s is a vicious disease. The dementia associated with it is irreversible. A victim can linger for years. Spouses are as ‘imprisoned’ as patients. If there is another person to whom a spouse can reach out, it’s not cheating or being unfaithful.” I answered Ed, “You and your friend sound well matched. I feel you should cherish each other. You have a right to be happy as you have been loyal and wonderful and will continue to ensure your wife is well taken care of. And your friend has the right to be happy as well, as she learned from being a widow. “As far as the ‘sanctions’ you mentioned, only your new friend can decide whether the sanctions are more important than happiness with you. Doesn’t God want us all to be happy? If the sanction sources are too judgmental, perhaps she should find more enlightened sources that are more accepting.” My comments to Ed were blunt back in 2011. My feelings are the same now, with one added comment. Finding a new friend is okay, as long as the incapacitated person is unable to comprehend or understand. If they still have their mental facilities and are aware of what is going on, then no, it’s not acceptable at that time. And those are the words I say to Bob. By the way, after the article appeared in my newspapers in 2011, a man sent comments to the Letters to the Editor section. He wrote, “Doesn’t anyone believe in ‘commitment’ anymore? Does the phrase ‘To death do us part’ mean anything to anybody?” I quote what Elvis once said, “Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.” A psychotherapist shares her opinions I asked Debbie Sirkin, a South Orange County, California, psychotherapist, for her opinion about Bob’s question. Debbie said, “Bob’s situation can be a moral, ethical, and religious dilemma, and it is not one size fits all. “For better or worse, in sickness and in health” is not Biblical in nature, but rather from a pamphlet titled, The Book of Common Prayer, from 1569, written at a time when people’s life expectancy was maybe 30-35 years. Alzheimer’s has only been around a little over 100 years, so this is not something anyone has had to deal with until the last century. “Similar to many things discussed in premarital therapy, Bob’s situation may be a new one I add to my list of questions to be discussed before having to deal with it. Given where we are today, with living longer, I think this is a question that can/should be asked early in a marriage (or in premarital therapy). Then, being faced with this dilemma, it is no longer a dilemma, as it has already been discussed before the anguish at a time when you need more support and less stress.” So, there you are Bob, you received a “thumbs up” from almost everyone who commented, enjoy a friend, while you can. I look forward to our Champs’ responses. |
| Part 2 – A mention in the New York Times One of our Champs is Tammy LaGorce, a wedding columnist for The New York Times. Recently, Tammy asked me for a quote for an article she was working on. Tammy mentioned she was writing about animals and relationships. I wasn’t sure when the article would appear. Tammy had read our eNewsletter a few weeks back about “Dogs and Dating.” Yesterday afternoon, I received a text from Champ Dee, who had received a text from her daughter Megan-Marie, who lives in Massachusetts. Meggie sent her a link to Tammy’s article, “When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur.” The article appeared yesterday. Tammy LaGorce quoted me in the end of her article: “Tom Blake, a relationship advice columnist in Dana Point, Calif., said that ‘most of the people I know who are content with their pet companionships still secretly admit they’d like a human partner.’ He encourages people to indulge that secret wish: “Go out and meet people. Hug your pet when you come home.” Dee said, “I was so happy to see your name at the end of it (the very end of the article).” Can you imagine? A Champ’s daughter in Massachusetts noticed it and alerted her mom. Thank you, Dee (who used to live in Dana Point), and thank you, Tammy LaGorce, for writing it. “When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur” by Tammy LaGorce |
Debbie, Shawn (aka Johnny Cash) and Tom
Tom, Johnny Cash, and Tom’s sister, Pam, circa 1990, at Humphrey’s Concerts By The Bay, an outdoor concert venue, in San Diego
On Life and Love after 50 