Tom Blake

Senior Relationship Breakups

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 4, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

When seniors get dumped by a mate

Editor’s note: The cover photo is of Matt and Cheryl. Their story is included below near the bottom of the article.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about Jack, age 73, whose 15-year-younger girlfriend told him she was moving out, after he had been in the hospital with “a serious illness.” She had lived with him at his home for 10 years. He was devastated and is still trying to overcome the heartache he’s felt for several months.

I wrote last week, “When adversity hit in the form of his senior illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.” Oh wow, that comment didn’t sit well with some women Champs.

Patty emailed, “You got the hair up on my neck when you wrote that sentence. I had a similar situation with a man I was crazy about. He took advantage of me every chance he could.

“He went into the hospital with a serious health situation, and I was there by his side. During his stay, I found out he lied to me about something and that was a deal breaker for me.

“He was still seeing a woman when he looked at me in the face and swore he wasn’t. Was it harmless?

“That wasn’t the point…he looked at me right in my eyes and said he wasn’t. And he did, right before I drove up to LA to take him, hold his hand, put a cold cloth on his bald little head, as he lay in recovery. And he was still texting her on my birthday.

“I painfully left him there in the hospital. Doing so was so against my gut core that it physically broke me for a while.

“Tom don’t assume all sides of a story are true until you hear them. I had been a tireless, faithful caregiver for my husband for 10 years (Married 45 years) and I wasn’t about to go through that pain again for someone that lacked personal integrity.

“I’m still not over feeling bad for leaving him there–four months later–but I also couldn’t have lived with a guy that looked at me in the face and lied to me. Two sides… two stories.

I’m sure Jack’s version, leaving out a lot of reality, would break your heart too.

Be gentle my friend…maybe she was crazy about a player too… but found out her well-being was better without him, as painful as that was.

“Maybe it was her turn now.”

Sandy, “Jack’s story leads one to believe that he was abandoned after experiencing an illness. This happens and he greased the wheels for this by living together and not getting married. However, perhaps there is more to it than we know. Maybe his words ‘We had a challenging relationship’ are a rosy euphemism for a troubled relationship.

“While the woman left, let’s remember that men leave living-together relationships and marriages as well and he could have exercised that option at any time including if she had become ill.

“Most men (this includes my father, a 91-year-old widower) want a younger woman on their arm.

“A relationship with a younger woman certainly can work but it is a minefield which men REFUSE to acknowledge. Late marriages to younger women are not always love matches and men who don’t want to acknowledge this are taking a significant risk. The bigger the age difference, the greater the risk.

“Most of these – especially young women who target older men–are only looking to trade sex for security. Most men want to believe the fantasy that a 35-year-old is madly in love with them at age 70.”

Tom’s thoughts: I take issue with Sandy’s comment that most men believe a woman half their age would be madly in love with them. I don’t know of any men who think a woman half their age would be madly in with them. Not one guy.

Also, regarding the earlier comment that most men want a younger woman on their arm. This is a gray area. How much younger? On my first online date, the woman asked, “What is the age range you are looking for?” Remember, Champs, I’ve reached 80. I said, “Between 72 and 79.”

She was aghast. She said, “You men are all alike, trying to date younger women.” Then, she looked at the sky and said, “The sun just came out. I am leaving to go do my swimming laps.” She stood up and left, never to be seen by me again.

Is between one and nine years younger considered dating a younger woman at my age? Holy cow!

Sandy continued, “Recently this happened to a long-time guy friend who is 71. A woman (35) carried on with him for two years. She wanted out of her marriage. He paid for an apartment and furniture and more. Eventually, I encouraged him to grant her wish which was to come and stay at his home for two weeks. (I encouraged this because I knew he would see that she was not sincere).

“She brought a girlfriend. He hosted them for two weeks and then the two women did not want to leave. By this time, he realized the only love there was – was for his bank account. They stayed another two weeks. Then the girl went home and left her girlfriend there.

“The girlfriend made a sexual proposition (yes, really) but she was turned down by him and she finally left. The girl returned to her husband and young child. This unveiling incident lasted almost six weeks and my friend was understandably depressed at finding out that he was not loved for himself.

“It took a while, but he recovered, and it was certainly better than continuing to believe the fantasy or base a permanent relationship on the fantasy.

“The risks are further amplified if either or both partners have previous unsuccessful marriages. Baggage times the number of marriages.

“Younger women willingly make sacrifices to be with an older man. It requires certain sacrifices for the man as well. It’s unrealistic for men to think they are going to have a longstanding relationship with a younger woman and not acknowledge how the age disparity can change expectations.

Cheryl shared, “I’m home recovering nicely from an auto accident earlier this month, and grateful for all the support I’ve received and especially for all Matt’s (my partner) help during this difficult time. Having been his caregiver through several surgeries and cancer treatments, our roles have reversed recently due to my accident.

“When I ventured into online dating, one of the guys online commented on his profile that he wasn’t looking for a ‘nurse’ and didn’t want to be contacted by anyone looking for a ‘purse.’ The comment offended me then and still does.

“Although I understood his concern, at our age, none of us knows when we might need a ‘nurse.’ When Matt and I became serious and made the commitment to each other for ‘the rest of the journey,’ we also decided to live together.

“As it turned out, Matt has experienced several health challenges as I mentioned I have had the role of ‘nurse’ several times since we’ve been together. He has never resented or felt like he was my ‘purse’ and I haven’t felt like or resented being his ‘nurse.’ We have contributed to our relationship in different ways but neither of us has felt used nor do we have any regrets about making the commitment to each other. On the contrary, we feel extraordinarily blessed and grateful to have found love and companionship with each other in our senior years.

“Sandy mentioned this past week ‘the risk of having any relationship.’ Perhaps the greatest risk is allowing ourselves to trust another person with not only our feelings but our physical and financial security. Those risks are present at any age, not just in our senior years.

“A dear friend advises, ‘Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.’ There are no guarantees in any relationship, but no relationship is possible without taking risks. Matt and I are certainly grateful we did!

Tom, “I have a friend who is dealing with the grief of losing his wife one year ago. He felt he needed to sell his horse and was feeling sad because it was the loss of an animal he loved. So, any loss, not just of a spouse or partner, can leave a hole in a person’s heart, especially after we’ve already lost the spouse or partner.

Even the loss of someone we’ve dated for just a short time, and care for. It’s not just that he or she passed away. Either person could decide the relationship wasn’t for them.

Senior dating is wonderful when you meet someone and form an exclusive relationship. But maybe one of the partners, or both, rushed in a little too deep and a little too hard. Red flags can be when a potential mate says, “Oh, you seem to care more than I do.” And then the same person says a few days later, “I need more alone time.”

And yet, you try to make it work because you care, and yet you are vulnerable.

And then he or she leaves. It’s only natural to feel sad. Is the other person wrong or mean? No, they are just being honest. You’ve got to just “let it be” and get your profile page updated. Yikes.

Makes me think of the song by Foreigner, “I Want To Know What Love Is.”

Senior relationships and money

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 29, 2023

By Tom Blake – senior dating expert

Money issues in senior relationships

Today we have the main event and then Part 2, which will put a smile on your face.

I begin today’s eNewsletter with a big welcome to 61 new Champs who subscribed on Tuesday and Wednesday. Never, in 29 years of writing about senior dating after 50, have I had more than three people subscribe in one day. So, what the heck happened?

I was mentioned on NPR’s Morning Edition broadcast Tuesday. The segment was about the new ABC TV show, “The Golden Bachelor.” Actually, I was disappointed because my pre-recorded interview from last week lasted 15 minutes. But I was only on Tuesday’s show for less than a minute. I quickly understood when film editors say unwanted film ends up on the film editing floor.

And even though my comments were brief, I am thrilled to have 63 (and probably more signs ups yesterday) new Champs receive this eNewsletter. Welcome to our new women and men Champs. The link to the NPR two-minute segment is included at the end of today’s eNewsletter.

The most difficult challenge to writing this week’s eNewsletter was to decide which topic to write about, based on what women Champs said in their responses to last week’s tale-of-woe by Jack. That eNewsletter can be viewed on my Finding Love After 50.com website.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/blog

By the way, there are more than 400 of my most recent columns on that website. Last week’s story about Jack is the first one you will see when going there.

My what-to-write-about decision boiled down to this: Either (1) The importance of money in senior relationships or (2) Why seniors bail out of relationships. Granted, the two issues are often intertwined, but there was such a wealth of information from Champs that I will devote a separate weekly article on each topic.

Hence, some of you Champs who voiced intelligent and insightful comments about both money in senior relationships and seniors who get dumped may appear two weeks in a row.

5 Senior women air their opinions on money in senior relationships

I decided to focus today on the importance of money in senior relationships. Here’s what five women Champs emailed. (these comments were edited for clarity and space by me)

Marie, “Having read your eNewsletters for a long time, I have noticed a common thread: the topic of money is often interwoven in complaints from seniors when relationships sour.

“In Jack’s case last week, it’s not clear if he is more devastated by his relationship ending, or that he invested what he thinks is a lot of money in the relationship? Nor does he seem to consider that his woman, despite all the money he spent on her, was clearly not satisfied with the relationship after spending 15 years with him.

“Your newsletter title might be more appropriately called ‘On Life, Love and Money,’ because money makes a regular appearance.”

Tom’s reply to Marie. “Yes, you are right about the eNewsletter’s title. But I probably won’t rename it to ‘On Life, Love and Money.’ But we’ll use that as buzzwords in a few future articles.”

Patty, “You know you were going to get a Champ riled up by last week’s article and the hair on the back of my neck made me reply!

“Women also can be well educated and have very successful careers, be financially very well independent, and every guy that approaches her sooner or later looks at her as his social security extra benefit financially.

“I’ve had guys that barely know me declare we can live in my house during the winter and his house in the summer. Not even caring what I want…

“They want you to pay for more than they do…and can happily turn away or look at their phone when the check comes.

“This money thing goes both ways. Maybe women learned the game earlier out of necessity, but there are an equal number of men that weren’t as successful as the woman they are with.

Men also take advantage of financially successful women.

Tom’s reply to Patty: Wow, Patty, you were riled up. Your comments about money in relationships are pretty strong, but nothing like your comments about Jack being dumped, which we’ll include next week. But, please, please, not every guy looks at women as their social security extra benefit financially or looks at his phone when the check comes or takes advantage of financially successful women.

“By the way, my house is pleasant in both the summer and winter. I bet you have a beautiful as well. So, you see, you can have a choice of what months you’d prefer to be at my house and me at your house. What will it be?” Of course, Patty, I’m only joking. I’m guessing our homes are within 10 miles of each other’s.

Sandy, “Even if Jack PAID for everything – does that mean that his live-in woman made no contributions to the household? I rather doubt it.

“Of course, if they had married, this would have been sorted out if they dissolved the marriage. Since he did not want marriage – he is out the money.

“Pre-nuptial agreements happen before getting married or living together. She wanted to get married – the time for the pre-nup was BEFORE getting married or living together.

“Parity in a relationship is not represented solely by money. Men like to play this card, but money does not buy you a relationship nor does it make a house a home. There will always be disparities in income – this is part of the risk of having any relationship.

“My husband and I are Champs. He is (9) years older than I am and we have been together for ten years. When we met, we both had homes, successful careers, and one unsuccessful marriage for each of us. On our first date, I understood that he was financially more successful than I was. He had also lost his previous longstanding girlfriend to cancer.

“On our 2nd and 3rd dates, I was compelled to let him know that we were not in financially equitable positions because I did not own my home free and clear yet, I shared my salary and my pension balance. In addition, I shared that I had cancer surgery 18 months prior because no one should have to lose someone twice to cancer.

“This was very hard for me to do – the cancer part – but I told him I would understand if he did not want to take that risk. The financial part – well – that’s a good example of the income disparity that can exist between equally successful men and women in different fields.”

Elenute, “Yes, we’ve all been through the mill, as one says. ‘Jack’s’ story reminds me of some elements of my own:

“Mine was also for almost ten years. My ‘life partner’ and I bought a house together. Unlike ‘Jack,’ we had a financial arrangement that I found very workable: We shared the mortgage, utilities, etc., but kept our bank accounts otherwise separate.”

Sylvia: “The financial situation is a shoulder shrug. We don’t see or believe what the future could hold. The world has become a difficult place to navigate. There are potential pitfalls at every step. I have become content with my family, work and hobbies and have stopped searching for the one man to be in my life.”

Tom’s comment to Sylvia: “Well, at least you currently have no financial issues with a relationship. And although you have ceased looking for a man, you never know who might unexpectedly come along. And you will be prepared how to plan the financial arrangement.”

The comments from the above five women about money were just the tip of the iceberg. But that’s enough for today. I don’t want to overwhelm our 25 new Champs. Here’s the link to the NPR interview:

https://www.npr.org/2023/07/25/1189901929/what-does-dating-look-like-after-50 2:07

Part 2 – The importance of social interaction

It’s a small world

One of the themes we often mention in these eNewsletters is the importance of seniors getting out of the house and interacting socially with people. And that’s not solely to meet a mate. It’s proven that social interaction is good for our health.

So, this past Monday, a friend and I went to the Laguna Beach Festival of Arts to listen to a Motown-era band. We, along with lots of other people, were dancing among the tables and having a great time. We shared the extra seats at our table with four lovely people from Armenia.

Another couple was seated nearby and smiled at us as we danced. As the concert was winding down, he asked, “Are you Tom Blake?”

I said “Yes.”

Then he said, “You and I worked together 40 years ago.”

“Where?” I replied.

“In Oakland. You and I worked for the Oakland Invaders of the United States Football League (USFL) in March and April 1983, the league’s inaugural year. You were the marketing/sales guy who got people to purchase game tickets.”

I was taken aback. How could anybody remember what I did so long ago? I could barely remember the USFL.

Then, he said, “Our boss was Tad Taube, the millionaire team owner.”

I said, “What did you do for the Invaders?”

He replied, “I was the punter on the team.”

I was dumbstruck. We shook hands. “I’m Stan Talley, and this is my wife, Cynthia.” Cynthia and my friend Margo had been chatting and already had become pals.

Turns out that Stan and Cythia live in Niguel Shores in Dana Point, a mile from me.

This little story shows the importance of social interaction for seniors. We just never know who we are going to meet.

The above photo is of Tom’s official 1983 USFL football, autographed by several Oakland Invader players and coaches. The signatures are faded so I can’t tell if Stan Talley’s signature is on it or not. I will show it to him when I get together with Stand and Cynthia sometime soon.

Ignoring senior relationship warning signals

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 21, 2023

A man ignored senior relationship warning signals

By Columnist Tom Blake

Shame on the Moon

A man ignored senior relationship warning signals

(Note from Tom: the photo above is Tom negotiating a pre-nuptial agreement for two seniors thinking of getting married. It’s a joke of course.)

A man we’ll call Jack emailed this week: “Tom, I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and thought I’d share another episode in the senior arena of relationships.

“I’m 73 and a well-educated guy with a doctorate after a 45-year successful career. About 12 years ago (at age 61) I met a very attractive woman, 15 years younger, in my same profession. We fell in love quickly.

“After a year of dating, we decided to move in together, on the condition as she said, “We should be getting married or engaged before moving in together.” Signal #1.

“I/we bought a townhome on the premise we would marry and then we moved in together. Her name went on the title based on the prospect of marrying, per my attorney and hers. Signal #2. (Senior dating – moving in together)

“We continued to live together for the next 10 years, traveling, dining out, and enjoying life. We attempted to prepare a pre-nuptial agreement but could not come to terms. Signal #3.

Our relationship was mostly peaceful and intertwined but with challenging personalities. I paid 100% of everything over a 10-year period. Signal #4 (in senior dating who pays?)

It was not a perfect relationship. I’ve taken responsibility for what I contributed to the challenges along the way. I won’t go into the messy details.

“I became seriously ill in December 2022, requiring a week hospital stay. Two weeks after the hospital release, my companion announced she had purchased a condo elsewhere and was moving out in a month. Final Signal.

  “I was devastated and fell into all the grief stages at once. I felt the worst pain ever. It’s now been six months; lawyers are involved with trying to have her name removed from the deed so I can move on. It’s getting messy. I’m an unmarried man (thankfully) but feel like a divorced man.

“I’ve been in therapy to understand what happened and why it happened, and to better know myself. Therapy has been a grateful help and I’m getting better with time. My former companion has a new partner, but how long it has been going on I don’t know. I was loyal.

“What I’ll pass along from what I’ve learned…and I’m still learning…. Do not take your partner for granted. Express your love continuously. Think straight about the legal ramifications of relationships and protect yourself.

“Take personal responsibility for your errors and apologize in a way that enables your partner to feel your remorse. As Ted Lasso said, your gut and your heart are closely aligned … trust your gut while listening to your heart.”

Tom’s comments

Thankfully, Jack found a good therapist to help him through his difficult time of grieving. Therapists can be very helpful in a time of need. In a way, Jack’s situation sounds eerily like my third marriage. It ended differently but in a similar way.

It’s easy for me and Champs to find fault in Jack’s behavior. He should have done this, he should have done that, etc., So, I don’t want to rant on him or make him feel worse than he already does. But I must say this:

1 Moving in together was ok for Jack, but not under the premise of getting married. And putting her on the title was unwise.

For me, after wife number three (also 15 years younger) and I had been married for two years and she was not on the title, she lobbied for us to move to a new home about a half mile away, “To be closer to the beach,” is how she put it, but now I think it was also to be put on the title.

I bought a new home and foolishly put her on the title, thinking we were in the marriage together for the long haul. The mortgage interest rate was around 13 percent.

I didn’t pay for everything in our marriage, but probably 80%.

2 Why did Jack pay 100 percent for everything for 10 years? Ridiculous. Perhaps that was the price of being with a woman 15 years younger. Maybe she had planned that all along. He was foolish for allowing that arrangement.

3 Jack said his relationship wasn’t perfect. None are. Don’t go into any relationship thinking it will be perfect. He didn’t explain the “messy” details.

4 Jack says to express your love to her continuously; he seems to think she might not have bailed out on him if he had. Regardless of how he treated her, and how much love he expressed, she would have bailed anyway. He said he was loyal, but it didn’t seem to matter to her.

5 When adversity hit in the form of his illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.

A similar situation happened to me in my third marriage. In the early 1990s, when a recession hit Southern California, I told my wife we needed to tighten our financial belt. I didn’t realize it, but I believe she decided at that very moment to start planning her exit.

Less than two years later, at Christmas time, I went to Northern California to visit my 83-year-old mom. My wife and her two boys didn’t want to go with me, which was okay with me as I enjoyed alone time with Mom and my sisters and brother-in-law.

That was the opening my wife had waited for. On Christmas Eve, 1993, she and her two boys cleaned out the house, taking what furniture and belongings they wanted, and moved out of my life. There was no warning, no notice, just a sneaky clean-out.

Shortly thereafter, she filed for divorce. In my opinion, she felt she had squeezed every drop of dinero out of me and it was time for her to seek greener pastures.

Having her on title cost me a bundle of bucks in the divorce settlement. She used me, just as Jack’s woman used him. Both Jack and I allowed that to happen. Shame on us, but hindsight is always easier. Of course, this reminds me of Bob Seger’s song, “Shame on the Moon.” See the link below.

5 Because Jack’s companion bailed, he’s suffering enormous grief. Most of us who have lost mates, in one way or another—spouses, mates, animals, friends–understand the pain of Jack’s grief. Perhaps he was kidding himself all along that she loved and cared for him.

It’s still painful for him. Hopefully, that therapist will get him aimed in the right direction.

A pre-move-in agreement should have been prepared and signed.

Since he paid for everything, why did he also put her on the title? Good luck to Jack with getting her name off the document.

Let’s hope Jack has learned to think with his brain and not just with his heart. And me too.

Link to Bob Seger’s “Shame on the Moon.”

Shame on the Moon by Bob Seger

Conflicted over senior dating. Still Fence-Sitting

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
July 14, 2023
A Champ is Conflicted about Senior Dating By Columnist Tom Blake

Part 1 – Conflicted. Still Fence-Sitting

Champ Candace emailed this week, “I’ve followed your eNewsletter for many years, took a short break when I got remarried at age 60. Let’s just say, that was a mistake. My husband did a full 360 once we were married. Even my adult children said the man I divorced was not the same man I married. Lesson learned.

“I doubt I’ll ever get married again. My first marriage lasted 18 years and gave me two incredible children and now four fantastic grandchildren.

“I find so many ways to keep busy–reading, cooking, sewing, and quilting. I make a lot of items to gift to friends and donate. Quilting to donate makes me happy and saves my sanity. I do enjoy going out to dinner or to a movie with friends. LOVE to dance but haven’t found a dance partner that only wants to dance. Ha!

“Is there something wrong with me for not wanting a relationship at this stage of my life? Have I been soured on romance by past relationships? It’s a lot of work to sift through all the online profiles and figure out who’s truthful and who isn’t. I don’t have the drive or energy to do that again.

“I see older couples, walking hand in hand, looking very happy, which would be very nice. I never thought I’d be 68 and alone. Give me a pep talk, or tell me I’m ok, just the way I am. Feeling very conflicted.”

Tom’s Response: “Thanks for writing. You are fine the way you are–IF YOU ARE TRULY HAPPY.

“However, I think you are asking for my opinion for a reason. You’d like to find love again. Let me know your thoughts about that.

“Keeping busy as you are doing is important. However, should you start dating, you might need to tweak your schedule to free up some time to make yourself more available to spend time with a new partner. Not all the time, but enough time to enjoy each other.

“What does a dance partner only mean? Sounds like you don’t want a physical relationship. Is that true? Many older men still want a physical relationship, along with the friend aspect. And some women do as well. If you want ‘friends only,’ some men will pass on dating you because they want intimacy.

“Yes, online dating and senior dating is work, but for some people, who end up meeting a mate, the effort is worth it.

“Have you soured on romance because of your past experiences? Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a new love that might please you and warm your heart.

“At 68, you are young. You have lots of life to live. Don’t simply fret about it, wondering what to do. Start slowly, with simple networking. It doesn’t have to be a big agonizing decision. Tell your friends and family members you’d like to start dating. Ask them if they know of any single guys who might enjoy meeting you.

“Marriage. Some seniors, many actually, do not want to marry again; I sure don’t. People can have a rewarding relationship without marriage. My partner Greta and I were not married and yet enjoyed 25 incredible years together. Both of us had been married three times before.

“Older couples walking together holding hands. You say that would be nice. Doing that is within your grasp, it will take time and energy to be out and about, and maybe even online.”

Candace, “Tom, thanks for the response. You’ve given me food for thought. Think I’m sitting on the fence right now. I’ll mull your thoughts and reply again soon. Here’s what I know for sure:

“Marriage – No thanks. I like having my own space to retreat to. Plus doing all the legal name change items is a real hassle. Nope.

“I’m financially comfortable, don’t need anyone to support me.

“So, finding someone to be a companion for going out to various functions would be lovely.

“If, there could be a spark, who knows where that could lead? I’m still fence-sitting!”

Candace has promised that she’ll keep us informed of her decision. We need to help her get off the fence.

Part 2 – Tom’s Interview with Gary Scott Thomas

Back in March, I was interviewed for about 45 minutes by a former well-known Country and Western DJ–Gary Scott Thomas. I mentioned it in the eNewsletter in March but it didn’t air until this past Wednesday.

Gary wanted me to talk about my book, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” And about my working with Johnny Cash for a couple of years. And then a bit about my writing on the senior dating topic.

It’s strictly a verbal interview, there is no video, which I discovered later when I learned that my desktop computer does not have a camera on it (no wonder it was so cheap to purchase). Had I been on my laptop, there would have been video and audio.

In case any Champs are interested in listening to 48 minutes or so of me talking about my past, while not getting bored, or falling asleep, you can click on this link. https://garyscottthomas.com/tom-blake/ Be sure you start the interview at minute 2:19. Again, I apologize there is no video.

Tom’s interview with Gary Scott Thomas

Senior love only comes along occasionally

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 7, 2023

By Tom Blake – Senior Dating Columnist

Senior love only comes along occasionally

Last week, we wrote about Betsy, who was concerned that if she started dating a friend, and it didn’t work out, she would lose him as a friend. I suggested she take a chance on love. Here’s what 12 Champs wrote.

Christine, “I love your advice to Besty! Her concerns are real and could certainly hold her back from a possible fuller relationship with her current friend. I liked that he was ‘bold’ to tell her that he wanted to kiss her. And I hope she truly believes your suggestions. And if they both act like adults–if it doesn’t work out–they could become even better friends. And who knows? They could end up finding their Chapter Two.”

Naomi, “Re: Betsy’s dilemma with a possible romance. Be very, very careful, and very clear. Have that discussion with him and have it several times. He may just be willing to move forward with you because he misses someone else, and the relationship may not be what either of you wants.

“I’ve dated in the dorm, and at the workplace, and it wasn’t only awkward afterward, in one event it was so upsetting I was looking out for him around every corner. If you address the issue over the course of many conversations, not only are you getting to know him better, but all sorts of unrevealed agendas will come up. Do not jump into this. Friends first (as you already seem to be) and strengthen that.”

Thryza, “I am still in the Philippines, this time I am in Manila, visiting my sister.

Our school reunion was a reunion for all times. As the culmination of the event, we chartered a yacht to cruise the sea of Cebu.

“Sadly, one of our batch mates who was on dialysis came to two events but died four days later. At a formal dinner, she was dressed to the nines. We complimented her for her indomitable spirit to attend our reunion.

“We all complimented her for the way she showed up, looking jovial. Little did we know that was the last time we would see her. It just goes to show that at our age, it’s important to say nice things to each other because it could be our last goodbye. She sat across from me, and although I didn’t know her well, I told her how great she looked. She smiled back. I won’t forget that smile for a long time.

“With regards to “Goochi,” I just thought you were making fun of the brand. Oh well, you took the spelling correction comments kindly.

“Weather here in Manila is a daily supply of rain. After being here seven years ago, Cebu, where our reunion was, took a turn for the better. I was impressed.

“Manila’s traffic is the worst but so many resort hotels have been built along the boulevard facing Manila Bay. One hotel is owned by a Japanese conglomerate. It rivals that of the Venetian. My nephew is interested in taking me to tour the new hotels. I would rather go to the hills and enjoy nature and the many restaurants that are more inspired by farm-to-table cuisine.”

Elenute, “What if she likes him but doesn’t feel she’d like to do more than cuddle? Do you think she should still pursue the connection with him?”

Tom’s response: “Yes, Betsy should pursue a discussion with him. Also, she gave no indication that she’d only want to cuddle. That was merely Elenute thinking out loud. If Betsy only wanted to cuddle, I’d say forget pursuing him because she’s already got the friendship aspect with him.”

Stephanie, “I think your advice to Betsy is spot on. On a personal note, my maternal grandmother, a widow, moved to a retirement community in her early 70s. She went to many activities there. One was the senior chorus of which she became a member.

“She met a nice man there, about 10 years older, and they moved in together. However, my mother told me the couple ‘had to get married’ (this was in the early 1970s) because there was so much gossip about them being ‘shacked up’ lol. My grandmother stayed happily married to the man till she died at age 84 (he survived her at 95). So good luck to Betsy!”

Carolyn, “This eNewsletter really packed a punch. I’m so happy that you spoke from your heart to Betsy.

“I loved the way you spelled “Goochi.”

“I hope that Betsy listens to your 100% spot-on advice. This gentleman sounds like the real deal, so she needs to hop on his bandwagon as soon as possible. Sounds like a beautiful relationship in the making!

Laurie Jo, “I hope that the woman who is hesitant at starting a relationship with the gentleman who was married for 55 years will take a leap of faith and ‘take a chance.”

“I don’t know if you like country music but there’s a Lady Antebellum song, “If I Knew Then,” with words “If I knew then, what I know now, I’d fall in love. Love only comes occasionally.’ I really identify with it.

“Go for it.”

My buddy, Jim, said, “In the recent newsletter, about the lady who wasn’t sure about going out with the neighbor because she wasn’t sure how she would feel if it didn’t work out, I felt you took that one on nicely.

“You made her realize that it’s a short life and what does she have to lose? By not going out with him, she could lose this guy and he’s close by, convenient and easy and he likes her (the lean-in and her interest was a cool way to show he liked her).”

Anonymous, “I recently had a similar situation with a friend who is about 12 years younger than me, and we have known each other for 10 years through a sports club that we both belong to.

“We have always had a strong friendship with a lot of physical attraction. However, we chose to go separate ways because of differing lifestyles. We will continue to be friends and want only the best for each other.

“I agree with your advice to Betsy and hope she will not miss this opportunity to have great love.”

Linda,” Betsy needs to think about this. if this guy is looking for someone to love and Betsy isn’t receptive, he will look for someone else. Men want intimacy and let’s face it a lot of women don’t. I think those women use that as an excuse to just be friends. She shouldn’t be concerned about what others think in her community unless she has a dance card with lots of names on it.”

Marjie, “I enjoyed reading your blog about ABBA as I was in Stockholm in March, and we visited the ABBA museum. Initially my boyfriend (I am dating my old college boyfriend again after 46 years apart and we are in a long-distance relationship (Washington and Southern CA) did not want to see the museum, lucky for me it was near the VASA museum!

“At first, he said he would sit outside while I went in, but when we got there, he changed his mind and enjoyed himself. It was much more extensive and interesting and just FUN than we expected and quickly became a highlight of our trip!

“As to your column today about the fear of dating, I agree with you. At this age, I think we just need to go for it. We know tomorrow is not guaranteed. She needs to talk it over with her friend. They both sound like nice people who can keep it civil and honest.”

Marcie seeks advice

Marcie, “Lots of good advice for Betsy from Tom. Betsy needs to follow her heart and decide. Be bold. Let him know how you feel and go at it with an open mind. If romance doesn’t work, the ‘nice friendship’ will survive. It would be wonderful to have friendship and romance, but we cannot have it all… can we?

“I have known my current man for 23 yrs. I was married when I met him. Now divorced for 17yrs, I am single and solo. But this man is a good person and secure financially and we have lots of common interests.

“Our romance did not last however our friendship is still going strong. We travel together, we go dancing, and we’re out and about doing our things. Lots of laughter and good times. He says to let him know when I start dating but he makes it so comfortable for me. Any advice?”

Tom: “So, it’s the romance that’s missing? I assume you don’t live together. What is it you want? When you travel together, do you sleep in the same bed, but just no action? I bet 95 percent of our men readers want romance to be a part of their senior relationship.

“It sounds like if you start dating, he will bail out. And if you start dating, you may not find a romantic partner and he may back off anyway, then you would be solo and alone.

“Marcie, your arrangement is like Betsy’s situation, but different. Tell us what you want with your relationship with him. And then follow your wishes.”

Take A Chance On Me

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

June 30, 2023

Take a Chance On Me

A Woman’s Fear of Dating a Friend

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

Betsy’s dilemma A woman Champ, 78, requested that her name not be used, so we’ll call her Betsy. And Betsy has a dilemma, which she explained.

“I have given up on dating, but I have friends I go out with every Thursday. One is an 80-year-old man who lost his wife three years ago after 55 years of marriage.

“He lives in my retirement community and is a nice man. He has shown an interest in me, but I won’t consider a relationship with him other than friendship because we live in the same community.

“If our relationship didn’t work out, it would be awkward seeing each other, and I fear we could possibly ruin a wonderful friendship. What do you think? I would like to have your feedback.

I responded to Betsy: “The age difference is only two years. So, that’s a positive.

“Another positive is you live near each other. There would be limited or no driving to be together. Perhaps, a short, likely safe, drive at night to go home. “Since he is a nice man who was married 55 years, he’d likely be a loyal and dedicated mate. He cares about you and is attracted to you. That’s a big positive. You likely would be good for each other.

“Have you discussed your concerns with him? Share them and see how he feels about it. If you can agree on what would happen if it doesn’t work out (it would be a kind of post-relationship agreement), and if you are both comfortable with it, take a chance. It seems at his age and your age, sharing life with someone could be magical.

“You might want to find out about how his home is decorated. Are his former wife’s pictures everywhere? Might that bother you? 55 years is a long time. Lots of memories.

“Greta and I were together 25 years and now, seven months after losing her, I have lots of her photos in my home. A woman who came here didn’t seem to mind, but of course, she doesn’t live here.

“The big answer: if you like him, communicate your concerns and either proceed from there or not. Take a chance. I’d give it a try.

Betsy’s response: “If he broaches the subject with me, I will discuss it with him. We were all out together last night at our usual sports bar for dinner and drinks. When I leaned in to say something to him, he said, ‘If you keep leaning in like that, I will have to kiss you. I have wanted to do that for a long time.’

“I was taken aback and said, ‘OMG really? You are embarrassing me!’
“I think I blushed. My lady friends who were in attendance said maybe it was the ‘drinks’ he had while we were talking.

“I don’t know…but we all agreed he is a very nice guy. We all watched him care for his wife in a wheelchair before she died. He was devoted to her and, is a genuinely nice person to everyone.”

Tom’s reply: “He sounds like me in this way: Perhaps the drinks made him bolder and more amorous, but he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. He is attracted to you. Are you attracted to him? Enough so that you are willing to have that ‘What happens if it doesn’t work out?’ conversation?

“You decide. What’s more important? Having someone in your life who warms your heart and is there for you, and who loves to hug, kiss and hold you.

“Or risking losing his friendship because it might not work out? And even if it doesn’t work out, you still might be friends.

“I totally get where he is coming from, especially since he was a caregiver for his wife. He wants to feel love again.

“In most potential senior relationships, there is fear in one way or another. Most of us have suffered losses. It’s hard to move forward. And we all have senior dating baggage.

“The main question: Are you attracted to him? He sounds like an ideal special man and is so close to your age. Plus, he lives nearby. Also, if you are attracted to him, don’t wait for him to bring the subject up. I suggest you tell him you’d like to talk and take that initiative. He has already indicated he cares about you.”

“Take a chance, Betsy. Which reminds me of a song. Abba’s ‘Take a Chance On Me.’ (See link to the song below).”

Isn’t senior dating fun?

A response to last week’s eNewsletter

Rhonda emailed: “I thought the list which you and your buddy Jim published last week was SPOT ON! I especially resonated with the friendship aspect and the simple words, ‘Friends first.’ And genuinely wanting to be together…love it. So incredibly important.

“I would add to your list strong communication and negotiation. We, humans, are not mind-readers, so sharing ideas and talking about the good, bad, and ugly is vital to a strong healthy relationship.

“Being vulnerable and open are key components to sharing your life with your mate. “Please don’t shoot me Tom, but the proper spelling is ‘Gucci’ for designer clothing and handbags. (you wrote Goochi).

Tom’s response to Rhonda. “Your mention of the Gucci spelling is a riot. I looked up the proper spelling but failed to change it in the text. What was I thinking? Another woman mentioned that as well.

“At least you can tell my closet is not filled with Gucci attire. For me, Levi is more appropriate for this hang-10 guy. So, if I meet a woman who wants a man dressed to the nines, I’m likely not her guy.

“Your suggested list addition is right on. Communication and negotiation between couples are both critical. And what often happens when people are communicating via text, instead of by phone or in person, is the words often get misconstrued. “And being vulnerable is important. When a person is vulnerable, he or she reveals their inner beauty.”

That’s it for this week. It’s Gucci signing off.

Link to Abba’s Take A Chance On Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-crgQGdpZR0

2 Widowers senior dating list

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
June 23, 2023
Two widowers share their thoughts
By Columnist Tom Blake

Two widowers share their wants It’s been a while still since my widower buddy Jim, 74, and I got together to update our thoughts on what we’ve learned from senior dating since we both put our toes into the senior dating pond.

Jim and I have both had some contact with widows and divorcees over the last three months. At our breakfast meeting this past Wednesday.

Jim said, “The first five minutes of contact of a first date tells you the most important items right away. Looks, attractiveness, chemistry, sex appeal, personality, humor, and financial well-being.

“But you may find the person having all the right features only to find out that she doesn’t have the same feelings for you. So I find that I have to have a thick skin in this senior dating. I need to realize that there will be many rejections on their part as well as on my part until that right combination comes along, if ever.

“But rushing into a relationship without doing your homework and some really serious dating and research and conversations and asking the important questions you’re better off by yourself for a while so you don’t make some serious mistakes. (I haven’t dated for 48 years).

“Lists are important so we don’t waste precious time. We are at the last chapter in our lives and these decisions can be even more important than ever.”

Here’s what Jim and I generally agreed upon at this week’s breakfast.

Two widowers build a list

Know yourself first. Make your own written list based on the personality traits a new partner must have. Keep your list simple and short, limited to five or six must-have items. We don’t like long lists because the longer your list, the more potential mates you eliminate from consideration. And, at age 70+, it’s already hard enough to find someone compatible.

Here’s our simplified list of six must-have items.

Tom and Jim’s List of Six Must-Have Characteristics in a Mate

1 A person of impeccable character. Meaning, someone who listens to what you say and is willing to compromise and be flexible. A person who is friendly, respectful, honest, pleasant, kind, has a nice smile and doesn’t criticize or put others down. Observe how the person speaks about his mother and father, children, and even an ex-spouse. How does he or she treat a waitress? Then visualize how the person will treat you.

2 There must be a mutual connection. You must like each other. Friends first. You must want to be together and plan a second or even a third date. A sense of humor is important. Also, each having a love of animals is a tie that binds. Jim owns a dog and three horses. (That is Jim pictured above).

3 Personal hygiene. Does he or she take good care of themselves? Is the person healthy and fit? Do they dress nicely (Goochi not required), wearing clean clothes. If you are a health nut, and he is a couch potato, it isn’t going to work. We’ve observed that senior women strive to take care of their health and fitness more than men. Not always, but usually.

4 Affectionate/romantic—If you relish being hugged, kissed, and having your hand held, your potential mate needs to want the same things and be romantic towards you. If there’s not that two-way chemistry/physical connection, there likely won’t be a relationship. It’s either there right off the bat, or not. Of course, you can always be “just friends,” and hopefully grow into the attraction, but neither Jim nor I are looking for that.

5 Availability. The person must be available to spend time with you. I’m not saying 24/7. You may be retired, with lots of free time. However, if the person you meet is still working or whose calendar is always full, often at night, you might end up being alone more than you want. And what about weekends? Does he or she spend time babysitting the grandkids or going away with friends? If there’s little time to be in a relationship, a relationship probably won’t work. What often happens is single seniors purposely keep busy. Social interaction is important and healthy.

Jim and I have observed that particularly with women. However, to be available for a relationship, a person might need to tweak his or her social calendar. You wouldn’t want to miss a great relationship by being unavailable. This is one of the biggest issues in a senior relationship. It’s important to say that being together too much isn’t healthy either. No one wants to be smothered. And for us, no more marriage. Find a nice middle road with your partner and work it out.

6 Within a reasonable age difference. What’s an okay age difference? It could be five or ten years or even more. What’s important is you like and love each other, regardless of the age difference. Some people seem old at 50, others seem young at 80. It’s best to discuss the age difference with your potential partner right away, so it doesn’t cause a problem later.

Remember, a younger person can get sick also. Many older people assume that they will be the first to pass away. And then his or her younger mate passes first. It happened to these two gentlemen. These are our top six must-have characteristics.

Other items such as kids, religious and political differences, travel, and finances also need to be discussed. That’s where compromise comes in. Good luck meeting a new mate and working out the kinks.

6 Senior singles make a characteristics-wanted list

What they tolerate and not tolerate in a new mate

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

June 16, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

Six Champs share their lists

In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Dave Southworth said he’d enjoy seeing the list of characteristics, ranked in importance, that Champs are looking for in a potential mate. I selected emails from five women and one man to include. I have edited their lists for clarity and grammar. Plus, one woman discusses the one characteristic a potential mate has to have

Kaitte’s list, 70, Colorado

1. There must be at least a spark/attraction to even make it to the next date. I give men a chance to see how they’ll treat me. I’ve got to be able to wake up to that face every morning if it works out.

2. I don’t want a couch potato, a TV sports nut or someone who whines about his health and won’t take care of himself. I’m extremely busy with my little homestead right now growing my own food. But I always have time for lunch/dinner, dancing, or just taking a ride or walk.

The last guy never met me for coffee. He thought we could have some fun without even trying. And I do go Dutch. My Daddy said you’re better than a man trying to take you out for a piece of meat.

3. Finances. I’m not rich, I’m retired on about $10,000 a year on SSI. Yeah, I’m below the poverty level. but I’m thriving. I still assist others for a little funny money to spend how I want. You don’t have to be rich to afford me.

I will share finances as I can afford it to be with you if I care. There are lots of free things we can do with a little gas and time to get there, talking about Pueblo CO., or even more local than that.

4. Age. I’ve been told I need to be open for a younger man because I’m healthy and a young 70, but not a man who is too young. I know of two couples, 17 years apart with the women being older, who have been together many years. I was just complimented by two women at Walmart, and you know women are honest to each other, so I have to say I’m nice-looking. I don’t look 70.

5. While not a requirement, it would be nice to have a man who could work with me on my little farm. I’d even teach him. I wouldn’t want him to sit around and watch me work.

Karen’s list

1. Mutual physical attraction: so friendship and romance are both possible.

2. Similar sense of humor with a lot of shared laughter.

3. Friendly to everyone: showing kindness, politeness, and respect.

4. Shares some interests but has other interests of his own.

5. Have similar levels of fitness: likes to be active and outdoors.

6. Comparable levels of education with good grammar (able to

spell and punctuate correctly).

7. Prioritizes relationships with family and friends.

8. Has personal goals or dreams of his own.

9. A sense of adventure and desire to explore new activities, travel, and begin a new chapter in our lives together.

10. Shared faith/ religious preferences.

Gail’s list

1. Healthy, fit

2. Attractive

3. Fun

4. Willing to Travel

5. Honest, and into me only

6. Financially good. (not living on just SS)

7. Has a good relationship with any children or former partners

8. Has similar political views

9. Intelligent

Laurie’s list

1. Sense of humor. Clever thinking.

2. Health and good hygiene

3. Self-sufficient. Wait. That should have been first on the list

4. No weird hangers-on. No kids at age 35 living at home, etc.

Carolyn’s List

1 Personality

2 Ability to Walk Well (don’t laugh)

3. Laughs Easily

4. Common Sense

5. Compassion/Kindness

6. Free Spirited

7. Not jealous

8. Family Oriented

9. Sincere/truthful

10. I don’t care what someone looks like as long as he is super nice, sweet, and has a fully functioning brain!

“Tom, that podcast really was a most beautiful, outstanding, and seriously awesome interview on Christine’s and Jaida’s 50 Shades of Bullshit Podcast!! Loved seeing and hearing you!! YOU ROCK!”

Bruce’s List

(Except for the first eight the rest could be put in any order. They are all important, but you must be somewhat flexible and willing to give on some. One will never get them all but that would be great.)

1 Attractiveness which includes A. Their physical appearance looks-wise B. Also includes their age—62-74 C. Their height-preferably 5’5-6’0 D. And their weight—nothing over 190 but this depends a lot on their height.

2 Absolutely no Trumpers—they can be Republican and even conservative but if they follow Trump that is a no starter right off the bat. I am progressive and a Liberal and do not mind a good discourse about politics, but I find Trumpers intolerable.

3 No addictions to alcohol or drugs—I do not mind someone who socially drinks or smokes marijuana (within reason).

4 Non- smoker although I am maybe open to some casual smoking.

5 Mentally stable/not insecure or argumentative/good sense of humor important.

6 Still enjoys physical intimacy/massage etc.

7 Outgoing and sociable/enjoys entertaining and the company of others/allows me my friends—male and female/not the jealous type

8 Enjoys traveling/cruising/fine dining or dive bars/and has the capacity to travel at will.

9 Brings only minor baggage to the relationship—we all have some.

10 Able to relocate to either Ohio or lol-Michigan.

11 Adventuresome and young at heart.

12 Well-read and conversant.

13 Enjoys what I like and vice versa for me—sports/classic cars/OSU! One that would have fun/antiquing/working at my coin store

14 Enjoys young people like my grandchildren.

15 Has no kids at home but having children is fine.

16 Is available for holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving which are very important to me as I am now the patriarch of my family and host events at my home on these days.

17 Enjoys spending significant time at my cottage in Northern Michigan.

Claire’s comment

Claire didn’t provide a list, but she suggested the most important item: “A counselor told me years ago,

‘The most important thing to look for in a relationship is ‘character,’ the way a person treats his mother, his children, the waitress, his or her finances, his/her ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, his/her ex-husband/ wife…observing these things will tell you how he/she will treat you.

“The counselor’s bottom line was when dating LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN when men/women are telling you about themselves and how they treat the people in their lives.”

Senior dating chemistry and physical attraction

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

June 9, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

Is Senior Dating Chemistry The Most Important Relationship Need?

Today’s eNewsletter includes a variety of topics. For sure, senior dating and relationships are not dull or boring.

We begin today’s eNewsletter with an email from Champ Dave Southworth. Dave has the longest tenure of any Champ. He’s been with me for more than 20 years.

In 2002, he wrote a poem that remains on my website called “The Sands of Time.” It’s about him losing his beloved Franny and is touching to read. The link to Dave’s poem is listed at the end of today’s eNewsletter. Dave lives in Michigan.

This week, Dave emailed, “Reading the Friday, June 2, 2023, eNewsletter, the subject, tolerable age difference between lovers seemed to be perceived by some as folly. Nonsense.

“Age is important however age is 7^th on my list of important characteristics in a potential mate. My wife Franny was 11 years younger than I was. Franny and I were such a perfect partnership. She is a part of who and what I am and will ever be!

“Tom, you, and I have been friends for 20+ years. I hope life continues to be all you desire it to be!

“Could you ask the Champs for their list of partner/lover attributes in priority order? I would be very interested in their responses.”

Tom’s comment to Dave: “Regarding asking Champs their priority order in seeking a mate, we get a few answers in today’s eNewsletter. Plus, we’ll ask again near the end of the article.

Joyce, “I believe being close in age is important because we have more in common with our own generation. A generation however has a sizable age span.

“Whatever the age of a man, I would still be comfortable with and enjoy his good health and sense of humor.

“Social economic equality is not as important as long as one member of a couple doesn’t take advantage of the other member and the difference isn’t a whole lot.

“I believe chemistry and common interests and friendship win over everything else. You can be in love, but if you’re not friends and playmates, that love can disappear.”

Bob, “Your column is very thought-provoking and I really enjoy it. While I am an extremely happily married man, your own experiences have made me think about ‘What if?”

“If something happened to my wife Brenda, I think it would be years, if ever, that I would yearn for another partner. That doesn’t mean I would be sitting at home as I am lucky to have many friends. I would not have a goal of meeting another partner.

“If single again, if I were to meet someone, it would be to have a friend who had like interests. In my lifetime, physical attraction certainly plays a part, However, I have always thought that someone who has the same interests and a style that is attractive can make a person more physically attractive to me. The bottom line, physical attraction is not the number one factor for me.

“Most of your personal emphasis seems to be on immediate physical attraction. Then your evaluation seems to move to checking the boxes to your preferences. Are you targeting your search with physical attraction at the top of your list?

“You are articulate; I enjoy your Friday newsletters. Stay well and healthy!”

Response to Bob: “For me, if physical attraction (the electricity between a man and a woman) isn’t present when first meeting, I don’t think it will grow. I could be wrong. Some people do feel it will grow in due time if other positive characteristics are present.

“Does having that immediate attraction mean hopping in the sack the first few nights together? Absolutely not! It’s just nice to know it’s present and it enhances the anticipation of seeing the person on date number two and beyond.

“Does having physical attraction mean turning my back on qualities that are deal breakers on my list? For example, strong political beliefs on the other side of the fence. Living far, far away? Is mean to animals? Is inconsiderate to minorities or older people. Or someone who abuses alcohol or drugs? Or who is financially irresponsible? HECK NO

“Years and years ago (the mid-1990s), after divorce number three, I had a date with a beautiful woman. Attraction? For sure. But she was so obnoxious to people and selfish, etc., I bailed out. I wrote a column titled, “But she was beautiful.” The gist of the column: Just because someone is beautiful, don’t let the wrong brain do your thinking for you.”

Goosebumps and Appreciation

Tom Marshall and I are both columnists for the San Clemente Times. His wife Dominque and Greta were great friends. A few days ago, he sent me an email with this subject line: “Guess what we (Tom and Dominique) saw at the Johnny Cash Museum in Nashville a couple of weeks ago?” The email included the banner photograph (above) that Tom and Dominique had taken.

My response: “Your email gave me goosebumps. That’s the Destination Victoria Station album I ‘co-produced’ with Johnny. Co-produced meant that I was in the House of Cash recording studio in Hendersonville, Tenn. and my job was to approve each song that would be included on the album.

I was seated in the seats out front in the studio and Johnny was in the mixing room behind the glass. His producer would play a song. When each song finished, Johnny would say over the speaker, ‘How about that one, Tom?’

My response was pretty much, “For sure, John, great song.”

“That day, when I rejected two songs that he proposed, he said to me via the speaker behind the glass, ‘Son, you’re being hard on me today!’ Then, he laughed.

“My initials are on the album spine (small but legible). I still have two albums at home. One is autographed by Johnny and the other album is still inside the sealed cover and has never been opened. They are treasures I am holding on to.’

Fifty Shades of Bullshit

When an email arrived in my inbox from Fifty Shades of Bullshit, I was skeptical. Well, it was from a woman Named Christine Lalonde, who hosts a Podcast under that name. She asked if I’d be on her podcast.

A week later, last Thursday, I was interviewed for about 40 minutes on the show, discussing senior dating. I thought it turned out well. If you’d like to see it, the link is below. Be sure you click on the video so that you see it and hear it.

Let me say this, Christine talks for about five and a half minutes before getting to me. So fast forward the YouTube video to about the 5-minute mark when first signing on. Here’s the link:

https://www.facebook.com/events/967283841114910/?ref=newsfeed

Small World

Last week, I was walking in the frozen food section of Costco in Dana Point. A woman who walked alongside of me looked at me and I looked at her. We recognized each other. She’s a Champ. Her name is Jackie Hammond and she lives in Georgia.

Jackie and I met at my deli about six years ago when I was hosting one of those age 50+ singles events. She occasionally checks in by email. This time, she was in Dana Point visiting her sister. Small world. She took a picture of us (see below).

So that’s it for this week, Champs. I’ll admit this newsletter was a bit all over the place. I hope you enjoyed it.

I like Dave Southworth’s suggestion for a future column that he mentioned at the top of today’s article.

Dave said, “Could you ask the Champs for their list of partner/lover attributes in priority order? I would be very interested in their responses.”

Please send me your top 10 attributes you seek or sought in a partner in the order of importance.

Here is the link to Dave Southworth’s poem, “The Sands of Time.”

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/widower-poem-by-david-southworth

Senior Dating: The Age Difference

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – June 2, 2023

By Tom Blake – Columnist

In last week’s eNewsletter, my buddy Jim and I listed six boundary topics for senior dating. Responses to five of them were mellow. However, one topic was hotter than the 4^th of July: The age difference between men and women. Here’s what a few Champs said:

Nikol, “To me the best situation is when the man and woman are close in age.
For our age group (60s to 80s), it is important because we feel the effects of aging on our appearance and in our thinking more so compared to our younger days.

“Why should only men want to have younger partners? These days, women want younger men as well. Also, it’s very important how people look and feel. I know a few couples with an age difference of 10 years and more where the women are older, and they have perfect marriages. Of course, they met earlier in life.

“To me, it’s important how people behave, not in an old person manner, but how they dress, exude confidence, and work on being in good physical shape and lead an active life.

“Thanks for giving us interesting and important topics.”

Catherine, “I found your article very informative and agreed–or at least I can understand your position on all points except #3 Age Difference.

“You and Jim said you’d consider women even up to: ‘15 YEARS YOUNGER? PERHAPS?’ Are you serious? I think even 10 years is TOO MUCH at your respective ages (74 and 83).

My ex-husband was 6 years, 7 months older than me when we met in our 20s, it was not an issue. However, as we both matured, he did not age well.

“I was STUNNED to read that you think you are entitled to attract women 15 years younger! Society is sick to have the sentiment that it is perfectly fine for a MUCH older man to have a MUCH younger woman; while if the situation is reversed, the woman is called horrible names like “Cougar” or worse.

“But everyone is entitled to their OWN opinion and thanks for letting me share mine.”

Tom’s response: Women who date younger men may be referred to as Cougars in some circles. However, I don’t think I’ve ever referred to women as that. And never will.

I met a woman in her late 60s recently who called older guys who sought to date younger women Horn Dogs. And when she was really stirred up after an adult beverage or two she called them Man Whores. I’m not sure in what category she placed me. She admitted that her husband was 25 years older and left her millions when he passed. She referred to him as the nicest man in the world. So, whatever floats your boat.

Gloria said, “I don’t want someone 10 years older or younger. If possible, someone around my age with a five or six-year age difference, either way.”

Barabara, “Age is only a number, an important number. Although age doesn’t tell what is happening inside the body, it’s not a good idea to eliminate anyone because of age. Seventy-year-olds often look at 80-year-olds as future patients to care for, not how far they can go Stand Up Paddle Boarding SUP.

Francine, “I am a very active 76. I never think of my age because I date men as much as 16 years younger than me and never see any difference. I just have a difficult time dating someone my age or older.

“When I was younger, I loved dating men older but now it’s turned the other way. I have no difficulty attracting men of all ages. My concern is when the dating pool is limited and there is no chemistry physically or intellectually (both are very sexy to me). I can’t have one without the other.”

Cheryl, “Regarding the age difference issue. What was wrong with the woman you met who was 76 herself and she thought your age preference of 71-79 meant you were looking for a younger woman? Lucky for you that she left, and she sure was rude in how she left!

“In my work as a physical therapist assistant doing home health therapy, I encountered people who were ‘old’ physically and mentally in their 50s and people who were ‘young’ in their 70s and 80s.

“I think it’s important to have some concept of an age range that would be desirable, but at our age, physical age can be extremely impacted by health issues as well as emotional issues due to past life experiences.

“Also, regarding the health issue, a person can be in good or relatively good health when you meet and become very impacted by health problems/illness after you make a commitment to each other. At our age, physical prowess isn’t guaranteed for decades!”

John, “Quoting from last week’s eNewsletter what the woman told you after she asked you about the age range you were seeking: ‘You senior men are all the same, wanting younger women.” Yes, that is reality. The reality is that men of all ages are attracted to younger women and women to older men. It’s hard-wired in our brains.

“Opposing reality gives people fodder for griping, complaining, and getting angry, but in the end, reality always wins.”

Noelle, “Tip from a wise old soul. Limiting your search to younger women got my attention. I have always dated younger men because they are the ones who are attracted to me. My last relationship had an age gap of him being 10 years younger.

“I am now in a long-term relationship with a man who pursued me who is 74. I am 87. We have a very special, and loving relationship that we both cherish and plan for it to last the rest of our lives. Chronical age is meaningless.”

Tom’s comment: Noelle, neither Jim nor I limit our search to only much younger women. But, we’re cheering for you and your attitude. Keep ‘em Flying. You may become the eNewsletter poster Champ!

Dee said, “Why do you think you need to look for someone between ages 70 and 79? How would you feel if a woman the same age as you said the same thing to you? Any age difference is so much easier in the earlier decades of life, but in the final years of life, it’s not so easy.

“Please remember how sensitive it is for women who have been left by their long-time mates for somebody younger. Do you really think the younger women do it for the simple reason of attraction? That might be so when the men are in their 40s, 50s, or early 60s and still in their prime. But, after that, it’s probably less about attraction and more about security.

“After listening to the story, you shared with me about the 60-year-old woman who posted attractive pictures on her profile, who saw your profile online on the day you initially posted it and couldn’t wait to meet you. She told you that if she moved into your home with you, she’d probably end up taking care of you (23-year age difference) and if you passed, she wouldn’t want to be tossed to the street. Hence, before moving in, she insisted she’d need legal documents drawn and your estate plan to state the house would go to her.

“She didn’t think you were an actual hottie, at least not that hot, she wanted your home to go to her. Please, Tom, alert older people, men, and women, that when someone younger says they love your profile, it’s probably the money or assets they want.

“I’m aware of an older man that happened to. He met a younger woman online who told him something like what the woman told you. He went ahead and made the deal with her, but the result was tragic.

“She didn’t wait for him to die, nor did she give him any caretaking. She quickly managed to take his house and his cars and forced him to move from the home that he had owned for many years. He ended up having to move in with his son.

“Final comment. Why don’t you consider the same age or as little as five years within your age? Are you willing to consider a woman who is two years older than you? And, if not, why not?”

Tom’s response: I’m open to any age difference if there is compatibility and an attraction. (I didn’t ask Dee how old she is).

Part 2 – A point of clarification about the distance to search for a mate in senior dating

Gail, emailed, “I found your article in last week’s issue most interesting. I had to wait a couple of days to send you my thoughts because at first, I was angry.

“After a day or two, I realized that I was jealous. What made me angry? The comment, “20 minutes away.” At first, I felt that you and Jim are spoiled man-children, but I know better and put the blame on me where it belongs.

“As older gentlemen, you both have the upper hand when it comes to dating. You can afford to want someone no more than 20 minutes away. Not only do you live in a dense population area, but you are also unique in your age and fitness for a male. Now, I can say, “Lucky you!” with a smile.

“I would, however, challenge you to think about a woman who is more than twenty minutes away. Maybe one who lives in an area that is ripe with fabulous things to do and experience. A relationship with someone like this could be full of travel and fun. It does not need to be a 24\7 deal, maybe a week or two here or there, then a week or two off. Just a thought.

Tom’s response to Gail’s comments: I know Gail. She is delightful. Greta and I met her and her granddaughter for breakfast a few years ago. They live in a beautiful small city in the Sierra Mountains. Senior single men are not abundant there so Gail must search for available men up to two hours and more away. That’s why she became frustrated.

Gail’s situation applies to both men and women who live in remote, sparsely populated areas. For those people, Internet dating almost becomes a necessity to improve their chances of meeting a potential mate.

In last week’s eNewsletter, I should have mentioned that. I will mention distance to search for a mate going forward in future eNewsletters and articles.