July 2024 – On Life and Love after 50

Hanging out at the Pub Club

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 26, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

On January 30, 2024, I received this email from Anita Gorsch: “I’m the editor of the Laguna Woods Globe, a weekly publication by the Orange County Register for seniors in the Laguna Woods Village retirement community.
(Approximately 18,000 seniors live in Laguna Woods Village, in South Orange County, California).

Anita continued: “We want to write a story about seniors finding love for our Valentine’s issue. Would you be willing to be interviewed about that?”
I replied yes. We spoke the next day for 30 minutes.

On February 8, the Globe published Anita’s front page story, “Looking for romance? Senior dating pro can help.” (See photo above) She included information from our phone conversation.

On March 25, a woman named Dinah Lin emailed: “I am writing on behalf of the Pub Club (*Publishing Club) of Laguna Woods. Our President, Nancy Brown, was captivated by the recent front-page Globe article highlighting you and your most interesting life/career. She recommended I contact you as a potential presenter/speaker at one of our gatherings. I am the program chair.”

“The Pub Club” caught my interest. Wow, I’d be speaking to a group of beer and wine drinkers.

Sorry, Tom, this isn’t a drinking club, as Dinah explained, “Our members are writers, published authors, and authors-to-be and our programs focus on topics that would help them on this journey. Please let me know if this interests you. It would be July 17 from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.”

I responded, “Me? Speaking for two hours on writing to an accomplished group of writers? I’d put them all to sleep.”

Dinah and I eventually settled on senior dating as the topic, with me being interviewed by one of their members. My part would be about an hour plus ample time for questions and answers. On July 17, when I saw the room, I was pleased. It was ideal, with tables, approximately 80 chairs, and microphones that were fully charged and ready to go. Approximately 70 people attended.

Women outnumbered men by about nine-to-one, a ratio typical of the Laguna Woods Village population and similar to senior dating ratios. Topics included online dating, building profiles and do’s and don’ts when posting photos, and long-distance relationships.

The importance of honesty trust, and communication between couples was frequently stressed. Who pays for the first senior date received many comments from attendees. The consensus was that men should grab the tab (at least, for the first two or three dates, something I agree with).

First-date etiquette was a fun topic. Women suggested that men keep their hands in check. So, what the hell do we do? Sit on our hands. Two women gave me copies of books they had published and I returned the favor with my books. One was Dinah Lin, the program chair. Her Amazon bestselling book is a memoir of her fascinating life. It’s titled. “Daring to Dream. Once Again.”

Dinah pours her heart and soul into this book; it’s a fascinating and heart-wrenching, follow-her-dreams story.

The other woman, Karen Haddigan, in collaboration with Debi Helm, handed me “Secrets of Dating After Fifty. The Insider’s Guide to Finding Love Again.” Karen and Debi’s book should be a textbook at a Senior Dating University. So many senior dating topics are included and often told with a humorous anecdote attached.

One section is titled, “Nakedness and the Aging Body,” which caught my attention. It discusses the reality of growing old, to which we all relate. I was amazed at how many of the same topics Karen and I had included in our respective dating after 50 books. Her opinions and observations about senior dating are more refreshing and up-to-date than in my book. (Karen’s book was published 12 years after my book was published)

The two books are pictured below. Both women sell their books on Amazon.com.

Writing is a great way for seniors to keep busy and their minds engaged. I hope we inspired the writers present to stay busy writing and publishing their books.

A special 70th Birthday

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 19, 2024

Alan Parsons (left) and Phil Green on stage at end of concert

Columnist Tom Blake and Senior Dating Expert

Sixteen years ago, on August 23, 2008, I was an Orange County California Deputy Marriage Commissioner for one day. I married Phil and Laurie Green at a ceremony in the historic mission city of San Juan Capistrano, California.

Phil was 54 and Laurie was in her mid-40s. They told me they wanted someone who knew them to marry them, that it would be more meaningful and personal. The county of Orange issued a one-day permit.

Phil had never married. Laurie was divorced in 2003 and had declared a moratorium on dating for “at least a year.” But, as often happens, life can change in an instant.

For Laurie, two things happened in late 2003. First, she met Phil at a party. Her one-year dating moratorium ended after a few months. They became a couple.

Second, her new-found bliss took a tough turn when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She and Phil tackled her cancer as a team. Laurie beat cancer and four years later was the wedding.

In keeping with their shared love of music, they became friends with Alan and Lisa Parsons. Alan was the founder of the Alan Parsons Project, a progressive, 70s and 80s British rock band.

Lisa and Alan were among the guests at the wedding and seated in the front row. At the reception, the disc jockey included Parsons’ hit Sirius/Eye in the Sky in the playlist. I thought I had read that Alan had helped produce two Beatles albums, which I asked him about.

He said he had been an assistant engineer, not an assistant producer, on the Abbey Road and Let It Be albums. “Had I been an assistant producer, I’d be a very rich man,” Parsons said with a grin. (My photo from 2008 with Alan and Lisa is below).

I included Laurie and Phil’s love story in my “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” book.
Update 16 years later (July 19, 2024)

Last Sunday night, Laurie had a private 70th birthday party for Phil. My significant other, Debbie, and I were invited. It was held at Campus Jax restaurant in Newport Beach, California. Debbie and I agreed it was the most amazing birthday party either one of us had ever attended.

Laurie had done most of the preparation work. Here are some highlights.

1 Laurie and Phil are still happily married after 16 years, so I still have a perfect record, 1-0, for the people I married staying together

2 Laurie congratulated Debbie for completing her breast cancer treatments, as Laurie completed hers in 2004 (see photo of Laurie and Debbie below).

3 The Alan Parsons Project, with 8 members, including Alan, was the main event. Debbie and I were able to chat with Parsons and his wife Lisa beforehand. (see photo below).

And, of course, the band’s closing song was Sirius/Eye In The Sky. Everybody was on their feet and taking videos during the 6-minute song for which the band is noted. (a link to Debbie’s video of them performing the song is below)
A bonus was the appearance of the lead singer of Ambrosia, David Pack, who performed four of that group’s songs, such as “Biggest Part of Me.”

4 Birthday boy Phil was on stage leading a hilarious 25-question quiz about his life. And then, at the end of the concert, he was on stage with Alan Parsons celebrating his 70th. (see photo above).

5 Campus Jax is an ideal place for a concert. Every seat is within 50 feet of the stage. The acoustics were perfect and the 140 guests helped themselves to a yummy buffet dinner with some of the best pasta dishes we had ever eaten.

What a night. I almost forgot, Happy Birthday Phil, and thank you, Laurie.
Link to Sirius/Eye in the Sky (Facebook)

Importance of senior social interaction

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 12, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Get off the couch and out of the house Tom is reminded of the importance of social interaction for seniors

I received a telephone call last week from Teresa, the first employee I hired at Tutor and Spunky’s, the Dana Point deli I opened in 1988. Remarkably, Teresa has worked there for 36 years. Teresa said a gentleman named Steve had telephoned the deli and asked how to contact me.

He told her he had purchased at an estate sale a book I had written in 2006 titled, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” He hoped I would be willing to sign the book. Teresa gave me his phone number.

He googled me and sent me an email explaining the book situation. To be certain he was legitimate, I checked information about him on Google. I discovered he has owned SC Pacific Group, a real estate development and construction company for 30 years in nearby Laguna Niguel, and, he had been a chairman of the Laguna Niguel Planning Commission. Great credentials.

Steve and I agreed to meet at Peet’s Coffee in Laguna Niguel. I arrived early, wearing my University of Michigan shirt emblazoned with the famous “M” logo. Soon, a woman came into Peet’s wearing an Ohio State shirt. I showed her my Michigan shirt. We teased each other about being rivals and exchanged football stories. She’s a writer in Laguna Beach, so I gave her a business card. We will likely be in touch. It occurred to me that I would not have met her had I not gotten out of the house.

Steve texted a minute later, saying, “I’ll be the guy in the blue checkered shirt carrying a copy of your book.” Not 10 minutes later, he walked in and we both laughed. Steve said, “I enjoyed your book so much I had to find you and have you sign it.” I happily complied.

Steve told me he had frequently dined at the Victoria Station restaurant in Newport Beach. He had as many stories about his past life experiences as I have about my experiences. I suggested he write a book about his fascinating life. He said he’d been thinking about it. I asked for his permission to use how we met and the details of our meeting in an eNewsletter. He agreed.

I suggested we have a picture taken of the two of us holding the book. A woman standing nearby was waiting for her husband to bring her coffee. I asked if she would take a picture of Steve and me using my cellphone. She pointed to her husband and said, “I’ll have Mel take the picture. I’m Beverly. Who wrote the book?”

I said I had, and mentioned a few details about meeting Steve to sign the book. She said her husband Mel is also a writer and a professional tennis player. He arrived holding their coffees. Steve and I introduced ourselves to Mel and Beverly. Soon, the four of us were chatting and exchanging information about writing and life. What a delightful couple. I gave them a business card and we agreed to be in touch.

Again, I thought to myself, I would never have met these wonderful people if I hadn’t gotten out of the house. In the 45 minutes Steve and I chatted, we became friends. Steve said he would like to meet Bob Freeman, one of the three Victoria Station founders who now owns the Buena Vista restaurant in San Francisco, considered the birthplace of Irish coffee.

Steve mentioned he would be in San Francisco later this month. I said, “If you are driving, will you deliver a case of my books to Bob? He sells the book in the restaurant. Steve said, “Great. Maybe that’s how I can meet him.”

While driving home, I thought of that amazing hour at Peet’s. I have four new friends. That experience reminded me of the importance for seniors to get off the couch and out of the house and socially interact with people.

Social interaction is important for one’s health. Socially active people are proven on average to live longer than people who are couch potatoes. Plus, mingling with people can help combat senior loneliness.

Being lonely is not good for our health. I was pleased to be reminded of the importance of getting off the couch and out of the house.

Adding to the coincidences of that day, at home I received an email from a man named Jay McGuffin, who lives in Antioch, Illinois, He ordered a “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” book, stating that as a customer, he frequented the San Francisco and Northbrook (Illinois) Victoria Station restaurants often. And as a new Champ, He is receiving this eNewsletter today.

The photo below is of Tom and Steve (on the right in his checkered shirt) holding “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” If any Champ would like a signed copy of the book for $12, including shipping, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I’ll explain how we can make that happen.

Losing love and dealing with the pain

On Life and Love After 50 e-Newsletter July 6, 2024

Overcoming the pain of losing a mate

By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

On October 29, 2022, my partner, Greta, of 25 years, passed away. Five months later, I mustered the courage to write the May 5, 2023 eNewsletter titled Five Women Share Their Views on Losing Love and Dealing With The Pain. The responses from readers to that column were numerous.

Carolyn, emailed, “I just finished reading your most excellent eNewsletter. As is often stated, ‘Life Is For The Living!’ We can always think and remember the good times and the love we shared with our mate who has passed on, but it is necessary to find another companion.

“I lost my close friend and companion on April 10, 2020 (Good Friday). He contracted Covid-19 before authorities knew what was killing people so rapidly. He was sick in December 2019, but it was thought to be pneumonia. After that, all his organs started to fail.

“I am seeing a man who treats me well, buys me flowers and books I like, and treats me to fantastic Broadway shows.

“He is a wonderful man who makes me laugh so much. Plus, a fantastic conversationalist! His wife also passed away. He said right off the bat that he didn’t want to remain lonely anymore. Nor I.

“I am hoping Tom that you find someone who makes you happy and you can have wonderful conversations with. Life is short so we all had better get out there and enjoy it to the max!

Pat, 76, “I have been a subscriber to your eNewsletter for many years and this is the first time I am responding.

“I was widowed at age 53 in 2000 after 32 years of marriage. The following September my only daughter gave birth to identical twin girls. So, I had something to focus on after losing my husband (I was a caregiver for many years as he had MS).

“The thought of dating didn’t enter my mind for years. When my granddaughters became teenagers, I found I needed more in my life and joined a dating site. I dated two men each for two years but knew there had to be someone I could connect to. So, I kept at it – it was like a job.

“I recognized the scammers and finally met an honest man who lives 15 minutes from me. He was a widower. We started dating and two years later we are happy together. I would never have met him if it hadn’t been for the Senior People site.

“Life is too short – especially at our ages. I never thought I would find someone at this age that I would care for so much and have such a terrific relationship with.

“My advice to you is to stick with it and you will find the right person. The old saying “You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince” is true. Take care & lots of luck in the dating world!”

Deanne emailed, “The worst part of widowhood for me is becoming one. For 33 years I was a party of two. We were the dynamic duo and the word lonely didn’t exist. I just can’t seem to get used to being without someone who was such a big part of me.

“And not having someone to talk to, laugh with, and share life with is the worst pain I have experienced because it’s never-ending. This comes from a girl who experienced a Caesarean section with no anesthesia and lived to talk about it. My pain threshold is high, but surgery heals, and I just can’t seem to heal my heart.”

Thyrza emailed, “Everything you wrote last week about loneliness after a loved one has gone is so true. Loneliness and longings for the departed beloved sucks. Given my experience in my marriage, it took me 10 years to get the courage to start looking. My oldest daughter would encourage me to give myself another chance.

“I joined Match.com. I met a few frogs, but I persisted. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with an empty feeling. I enjoyed my three grands but having someone in my life to share my thoughts, feelings of joy and sadness, and the physical aspect of loving someone is a treasure.

“I found a man. It just takes patience and an open mind to find that person. To me, there is no time frame in which to find a new relationship. Looking back, I wish I’d had a different mindset then. Ten years is a long time to realize that loneliness sucks. Sooner is better!”

Dee, “I understand the need to find love again. I don’t want to just be friends although it could start that way. At my stage in life, I want warp speed. And from one member of our club (which we never imagined being members of) to another, it all sucks!

“I work late so I don’t have to be home as the sun sets (just too many memories for me). This is not the life I planned, this is not what I could have ever imagined happening and I want a new beginning.

“My friends are all married or in long-term relationships. They don’t get it and I would never want them to be in my shoes. But I would like to find that special person to walk alongside me, hold my hand, and make me feel good again. And a hug, wow that strong arm around me. Yes, I’m truly missing that.

“No one can tell us what is good for us. Our lives, as we knew them, just died. But we are still here and should feel good again. Dating apps serve a purpose. We know the risks and pitfalls. I’m willing to take a chance again. I remain lonely but hopeful. And if I’m lucky enough I will kiss loneliness goodbye.
“You and I know ‘the lonely.’ It doesn’t matter if it’s six months or years; time drags along, and we know that we have become unwilling experts.

Claire emailed: “You, Tom, sound lost. It is understandable.”

Me: Lost? Not lost, just no partner at this point.

My Personal Journey of Recovery

In April 2023, while sitting alone at home and lonelier than heck, I joined Match.com and another site called Zoosk. I hoped to curb my loneliness. I met a couple of women for coffee, a couple for a walk, and sprung for dinner twice.

Two weeks after the eNewsletter was published, on Friday, May 19, I noticed a woman’s profile on Zoosk. Her name was Debbie from Mission Viejo (a half hour away). We exchanged messages on Zoosk and agreed to meet that evening. I was nine years older, which didn’t seem to bother her, at least that’s what she said.

We had much in common. Sports, political affiliation, advanced degrees, love of the ocean and water. And chemistry. I liked her height, 5′ 1″. We started to date on May 19. That was more than a year ago. Like any new couple, we’ve had differences to work out. We are in a committed relationship and both feel blessed we met. Online dating worked for us.

As I mentioned in a recent eNewsletter, Debbie had breast cancer surgery six weeks ago and is recovering nicely. The cancer had not spread. She completed five radiation treatments this week as a precaution to stop a return.
After her fifth treatment this Tuesday, she got to ring the bell signifying that she had completed the radiation treatments, a tradition at The City of Hope Cancer Center.

The sign says, “This course is run, my treatment done. Now I am on my way.”
I imagine several of our Champs have been able to ring a similar bell. Good job cancer survivors. Good job Debbie. The picture of Debbie contemplating the bell is below, taken this Tuesday. Seconds later, she was ringing it with a big smile.