December 2023 – On Life and Love after 50

Senior Dating Tips

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
December 22, 2023
Has Senior Dating Changed in 17 Years?
By Tom Blake Senior Dating Columnist

This week, when checking my computer archives, I found this article I published in 2006: “Tom’s 13 Senior Dating Tips.”

I wondered if senior dating has changed since writing that article 17 years ago. Here’s the list from back then. See if you notice anything you’d change as we head into Christmas and 2024.

Tom’s 13 Senior Dating Tips from 2006

1. Get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in hobbies and activities you enjoy. By doing so, you’ll meet people with similar interests. Join a club. Volunteer. Travel. Go back to school. Take a part-time job. Get out with new people

2. Don’t go out solely to seek a mate. You’ll come off as desperate. Go out to enrich your life and have fun. People often meet a mate when they aren’t looking and when they least expect it

3. Be assertive, but not aggressive. Seize every opportunity to introduce yourself to someone you think is single, and to whom you’re attracted. It’s difficult for some seniors to do this, but they may miss meeting a good match if they let the opportunity slide. Be prepared with a conversation icebreaker, something like, “Would you like to have coffee?”

4. Always carry a name card with you, giving potential dates an easy way to contact you. Include safe, secure information: List only your first name, either a phone or answering service number, or an email address that doesn’t contain your last name

5. Be happy, positive, and friendly. Smile

6. Socialize with friends of both sexes. Women need women friends

7. Have a nice appearance, firm up and get in shape

8. Don’t take rejection personally. It will happen. Put it behind you and move on

9. Trust your instincts. Avoid losers, scammers, and phonies. Beware of romance scams originating on the Internet from Africa and other foreign countries

10. Network with friends, relatives, and business associates. Repeatedly remind them to introduce you to their single acquaintances

11. Protect your assets. Women need to be in control of their own money

12. It’s important to realize that you aren’t the only person without a mate, there are millions of seniors in the same situation, faced with the same issues and having the same feelings

13. Never give up hope. Senior dating is a numbers game. The more you’re out there, the better your chances.

Seventeen years later, seven changes in December 2023

A. Cell phones have replaced answering machines and answering services, the phones are an imperative dating tool with texting and voice mail conveniences
B. The most noticeable change is the dramatic increase in online dating websites and online dating. It’s estimated that more than 50 percent of single seniors have tried Internet dating. Scammers are rampant. Seniors must be careful and trust their instincts.

C. Plus, Meetup.com lists many places for seniors to meet others (and while doing so, maybe meet a potential mate)

D. Item 6 above mentioned, “Women need women friends.” That is still true, and this needs to be added in 2023: “Men need men friends.” I honestly don’t know what I would have done after losing Greta, my mate of 25 years, if I hadn’t had my guy friends to talk about the grief, sadness, and emptiness one feels

E. Those guy friends include Jim Fallon, a widower after 47 years of marriage. And Mike Stipher, Vince The Hat Man, John Hawkins, Tom Blosser, Don Cheley, Bob Rossi, Charlie Canfield, Bob Peters, Alex the Sports Barber, and neighbors Alex Torres and Jake Racker. I’m sure there are others. They always ask how I’m doing and are willing to listen to my senior dating woes and experiences

F. An age difference between partners wasn’t mentioned in the 2006 list of tips. Now that we are 17 years older, and reflecting on, as Bob Dylan sang in 1973, “Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven’s Door.” (link below) The age difference is a hot topic now.

Women often accuse men of wanting a younger woman. And yet, a woman Champ, 78, wrote me this week that her boyfriend is 48. Another woman Champ from Florida reports that she is dating a guy 20 years younger.

G. To add to the list: “Men also need to protect their money.” Both men and women should be diligent and careful. For those of you celebrating Christmas, have a Merry one. For those who aren’t, enjoy the Holidays as well. Thanks for being Champs. I look forward to seeing you next year. I will likely be taking December 29 off. It will be fun to track the senior dating changes in 2024.

Link to “Knocking On Heaven’s Door.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGB1P1jKIoE

Senior Man Might Give Up Dating

Brutus Buckeye — On Life and Love **After 50 eNewsletter**

Senior Man’s Dating Concerns

When I receive an email from a Champ that begins with words like these, “Please don’t use my name because what I am writing today might upset some women,” it gets my attention. I go on high alert and read it very carefully. If I feel it might be helpful for Champs–that it’s worthy of becoming the basis for an eNewsletter–I put on my writer’s cap and edit it for clarity and grammar.

Approximately 75-80 percent of our Champs (eNewsletter subscribers) are women. Believe me, I don’t want to irritate them or rattle their cages with what well-meaning men (or women) have to say. Such is the case with today’s edition. It was written by a male Champ in the Midwest.

Those words remind me of these lyrics from a very famous love-gone-wrong song from the 1970s: “Where are you calling from? A booth in the Midwest.” Where was he writing from? A Home in The Midwest.

I’ll let you guess which song and I will identify it and provide a link to it at the end of today’s edition. In the email, he stated, “I feel the content might be a common senior dating problem for some older guys.”

I thought about that and felt perhaps I could help him with his senior dating problem. Since the man is from Ohio, I will call him Brutus, which is the name of the Ohio State Buckeyes’ sports mascot. Let me say this upfront, he and I poke fun at each other, and have for years, because he’s a huge Ohio State football fan and I’m a huge University of Michigan football fan.

Brutus emailed, “I have come to the realization that I may never find a new mate given my circumstances. “I am 75/decent looking/financially secure, etc., etc. And a graduate of The Ohio State University.

Tom’s first comment: “What does etc., etc., mean? Women are going to want more details than just etc., etc.

Brutus responded, “I own a very large, beautiful log cabin and cottage in northern Michigan, a bit south of the Mackinaw Bridge. One would think that would be rather appealing to senior women. “I am seeking a woman between the ages of 64 and 74. Attractive. Educated (but not a University of Michigan graduate), liberal (certainly not a Trumper), and so on.

Tom’s second comment: “What does ‘and so on’ mean? What are some of the other criteria he’s looking for?

Brutus said, “However, what I’m finding is that if women do come close to that criterion, they are already pretty set in their lives—financially, nice home/friends, etc. They have no desire to sell their home and move in with me.

Tom’s third comment: “Wait, Brutus, move in with you? Before that move-in discussion even comes up in a senior relationship, might it be a good idea for a couple to date each other for at least six months or more, like a year?

Brutus went on, “I am not willing to sell the home I built because it has become the annual Thanksgiving and Christmas gathering place for my family as I am the oldest and consider myself now the patriarch of the family.

“I am starting to believe I will have to alter my search criteria to women who aren’t so set in their lives, who might be more flexible and available and maybe even a University of Michigan graduate who may be desiring of someone like me (lol).

Tom’s fourth comment: “Watch out Brutus, some UM women might throw spoiled fruit at you when you are prancing around the football field at The Big House (Michigan stadium, seating capacity 111,000). I can only imagine the responses we’ll receive from women Champs regarding some women who aren’t as set in their ways.

Brutus prodded on, “But this is what I am running into in my limited search area (I have reduced it to 20 miles around Lima, Ohio) and even that sounds far to me now.

“I don’t want to spend an hour or so on the road to date anymore. I also do not want to have extended dating times anymore either (months on end before a decision is made to cohabitate together).

“I will never get married again after my last marriage failed, which has cost me dearly. “A LAT relationship is probably a possibility however I prefer to have someone beside me every night and available to do things together at any time.

“And someone who can travel, and who could assist me with my coin shop (my fun, side, business). Brutus concluded, “I’m not sure how to resolve this. I’m still on two dating sites (Match.com and Zoosk) but they have not proven very beneficial. The most interesting ladies are too far away–who fall into the above criteria I outlined. And this is a joke, don’t take it seriously, but I may have to go overseas for a nice foreign lady!”

Tom’s fifth comment(s) “I’m almost at a loss for words. I briefly mentioned Brutus’ email to my sister, Christine, and she said, “He needs to go to church (to meet an interested woman who lives within his search radius).” I checked the population of Lima, Ohio, and it’s around 35,000 people. The number of available single women in his age range is likely limited. And then toss in his criteria—age 64 to 74, attractive, liberal but not a UM grad, living within 20 miles and politically the same—and I’m guessing there are even fewer women nearby who might be interested in a match.

Brutus stated that a LAT relationship might be possible. But, how far away? And a senior woman who might enjoy helping him out in his coin shop. Well, maybe. And what about that cabin in Northern Michigan? Might there be some nice women within 50 miles or so up there? Yup, but if they attended the University of Michigan, they are probably not his cup of tea.

And then, Brutus would have to find one of those who would accept an Ohio State Buckeye. In the state of Michigan, that would be a bit harder to find. Is that too far-fetched, knowing the rivalry between the two schools?

From my personal experience, that rivalry can exist under the same roof. My Dad was a Buckeye, and my Mom cheered for UM. Sister Christine was a Michigan State Spartan and I have an MBA from UM. My other sister, Pam, rooted for UM football as well.

Things got a little quiet and uncomfortable at our home during football season, but we’d always reconcile after the bowl games in January, and we loved each other.

So, Brutus, good luck with your dilemma. I think increasing your efforts with expanded online dating is a necessary evil for you, as you are somewhat GU. (geographically unavailable). And thanks for providing us with some entertaining thoughts and insights into how men think about senior dating.

I’m sure our Champs will chime in with some interesting observations on what you wrote. Brutus is a good man. If there is a woman Champ who might enjoy talking with Brutus, email me and I’ll forward your email to him. I’d recommend including a phone number.

And what song from today’s story did Tom have in mind? “Diamonds and Rust,” by Joan Baez. It was about her love affair with Bob Dylan. Classic lyric: “Where are you calling from? A booth in the Midwest?” Who knows? It might have been from Ohio. Here’s the link (more than 11 million views)

Link to Diamonds and Rust:

Link to Diamonds and Rust

https://www.google.com/search?q=diamonds+and+rust+by+joan+baez&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS967US967&oq=Diamonds+and+Rust+by&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqCggAEAAY4wIYgAQyCggAEAAY4wIYgAQyBwgBEC4YgAQyBwgCEC4YgAQyBggDEEUYOTIICAQQABgWGB4yCAgFEAAYFhgeMggIBhAAGBYYHjIICAcQABgWGB4yCAgIEAAYFhgeMggICRAAGBYYHqgCALACAA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:be6173ba,vid:IrVD0bP_ybg,st:0

Emotionally Available To Date?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
December 8, 2023
Emotionally Available To Date?
By Tom Blake

Mareah and George- Widowed Friends (photo by George B)

Two Widowed Friends (Champs) Featured Today

George B., San Francisco, is one of our longest-tenured Champs (for 20+ years). This week George emailed a picture of himself and his woman friend Mareah (see above). It was taken last week at the annual Christmas luncheon at The Presidio Golf & Concordia Club, in San Francisco.

George said, “The Presidio Golf Club was established in 1896 and the Argonaut-Concordia Club was established in 1864, both in San Francisco. The two clubs merged in 2016.

“Mareah and I met on September 27, 2007, four months after my second wife Laura died and six years after Mareah’s husband died. So, it’s been more than 16 years since our relationship began.

“Now we have a senior long-distance friendship (LDF) because Mareah became a first-time grandmother through her son last year and moved to Colorado Springs to be there for them.

We never got married, although we did seriously contemplate matrimony. “I am 83 and she is 64. We’ve had a grand adventure with annual cruises and land away-from-home trips, and she comes to the Bay Area with her now-married daughter so the companionship, albeit intermittent, continues.

“We will be cruising to Alaska for 11 days in 2024.” George is a special friend of mine. Here’s why. I checked my Gmail archives and since 2009, George has sent me 39 emails. His and Mareah’s love story is Chapter 29 in my “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” book.

Mareah met George’s wife Laura years before in the early 2000s.

In September 2007, George was sitting at the bar at Celia’s Mexican Restaurant San Francisco (Judah Street at 45^th Avenue in San Francisco) when he spotted Mareah and asked her to sit beside him on a just-vacated barstool. Their relationship/friendship began then.

When I attended a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain reunion in Sausalito about 15 years ago, George decided to come. He had never worked at a VS restaurant but wanted to meet me and many other former employees. He fit right in with them. George retired from a career in the California National Guard and the US Coast Guard.

His Coast Guard affiliation was a nice coincidence for us. My Uncle, George Pardee, was a Chief Specialist for the Coast Guard, who was honorably discharged on September 5, 1945 (see Uncle George’s Honorable Discharge papers below).

What I’ve learned in writing columns for 29 years is that every Champ has had an interesting life. Thanks, George B. for sharing as you always do.

Part 2 -Kaitte wonders if she is emotionally available for a relationship

Champ Kaitte also emailed this week. (I also checked my Gmail archives and found that Kaitte has sent approximately 50 emails over the past 2 1/2 years.)
She said, “Your thoughts Tom? Can a woman be too self-sufficient? I’m thinking I’m so settled and content in my single life of 23 years, and have my little farm to keep me busy, that I might not be emotionally available for an intimate relationship. I want no man drama.

“But I wonder. I’m no sex goddess but I’m attractive and look younger than my age. Do men look at me and think she’s someone’s baby? I don’t wear rings on my ring finger. I’m always the one who strikes up a conversation. One date and they are gone. My friend said it’s because I don’t make men feel needed.”

In an earlier email, Kaitte wrote, “I have 6 companions, 2 dogs and 4 indoor/outdoor cats all rescues. They are great company, and no drama even as they age.

“I get a taste of what it would be like to live with someone when my son comes home, especially with friends. NO THANK YOU.”

Tom’s response to Kaitte

“Your comment, ‘Do men look at me and think she’s someone’s baby?’ reminds me of Jackson Browne’s song, Somebody’s Baby. Perhaps they do. But, in your case, there are other major considerations. (See the link below to the song Somebody’s Baby).

“You mention you have a small farm, and as I recall, it’s in a somewhat remote area of Colorado. My guess is the number of nearby single men in your age range is limited. You may need to do online dating so that you cast your net to include areas where there might be more men.

Living remotely, although you love it, might be a reason you aren’t meeting senior men. “Being emotionally available is a big consideration. You mention that you want ‘no man drama.’ Most relationships have some drama. That’s the nature of the sexes. You may be turning men off when first meeting them if you start ranting about man drama.

“I respect that you have six rescues. Most everyone loves pets. However, some men might be turned off by your six animals living at home. Also, some might be allergic to pets. I hope Champs with pets don’t freak out over my comment.

“Emotional availability is probably the biggest issue senior singles face. For a relationship to succeed, each partner must be emotionally available. If one isn’t, the relationship won’t work. “I know a widow, aged early 70s, who is the salt of the earth. A guy would be fortunate to have her in his life. She’s been a widow for just over a year. She’s one of the kindest and most considerate women I’ve ever met. She’s nonstop go-go-go with her women friends.

“But she does not want to date and she’s not emotionally available to date. Is that wrong? Heavens no, it’s simply her choice. She knows what’s important to her. But down the road, if she changes her mind and decides to date, she will need to become emotionally available. Maybe she will or maybe she won’t. But certainly not now.

“So Kaitte, in your case, I don’t think you are emotionally available. I’m not criticizing you, but you are content within your environment, so until you decide to embrace the senior dating scene, you will continue to ponder your self-sufficiency.” “We’ll see if Champs have thoughts or opinions of their own.”

Link below to Jackson Browne’s song “Somebody’s Baby.”

Link to Jackson Browne singing “Somebody’s Baby”

Tom's 50 couples book — **Tom’s How 50 Couples Found Love After 50″ Book**

Tom’s Uncle George’s US Coast Guard Honorable Discharge certificate dated September 5, 1945

Senior Dating Sites and Senior Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

By Tom Blake Columnist

December 1, 2023

Dating Sites For Seniors and Senior Commitment

Champ Jean The Bean, (The Bean is her nickname), Laguna Niguel, California, emailed this week. She wrote, “I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday despite the lack of a committed mate. The holidays are more difficult to push through.

“Can you recommend a good dating app for seniors (I’m 70 now). I thought you might have pretty good exposure from your senior dating fans! Do you find some more successful than others?

“I have tried OurTime.com (owned by the Match.com Group) but I didn’t find it very user-friendly and eHarmony never gave me a match after six months. If you have any input, I would love to know about it.

“Good luck with your pursuit of a compatible companion which can make life so much more wonderful!”

I’ve known Jean The Bean for about a year. She’s a very special person—a down-to-earth, ethical and loving woman. I most recently saw her in person on November 7, at the speech I made at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point. If any Champs would like to reach out to Jean The Bean, email me and I will forward your email to her. And then, who knows what might happen?

Here is my reply to Jean The Bean regarding online dating websites for seniors. And since Jean mentioned my quest to find a committed mate, I will comment on that as well:

“Hi, Jean The Bean, around March 1 of this year, I was sitting at home on another lonely Saturday night. It had been only four months since my partner Greta’s passing, after 25 years of being a couple. I knew I could never replace Greta, but wanted and needed a woman friend with whom I could share a new beginning. Someone whose presence would help me, and vice versa. I had attended one grief share meeting.

“And even though I know a lot of people in South Orange County (having owned a deli in Dana Point for 26 years, and having been a columnist for 29 years), I felt I wasn’t being assertive enough in seeking a potential mate.

“On that Saturday night, I decided to try online dating, to cast my net wider, to reach out to more people. I tried three sites. The first two were Match.com and POF (Plenty of Fish). I dumped POF immediately, feeling that I wasn’t reaching the right type of person for which I was looking.

“However, Match.com seemed pretty good. I had a few dates there. And then a Champ, Bruce, from Ohio, suggested I add Zoosk to the mix of sites I was using. I had never heard of Zoosk, but I gave that site a try.

“Being naïve to online dating, one thing I soon discovered is that the sites will try to sign you up for as long a period as they can get away with. I joined Match and Zoosk for six months each. Then the sites will add incentives to “increase one’s chances of meeting the right mate,” but those extras cost extra money. For newcomers, be aware of these marketing ploys.

“One thing is for certain. All dating sites, in one way or another, are in business to make money (even the so-called free sites such as POF).

“On the sites, I limited my search radius to 30 miles or so, not wanting to travel to Los Angeles or San Diego to find somebody. There is no best senior online dating site of which I’m aware.

“For me, the best of the three sites I joined was Zoosk. It just seemed to have more available women within my geographical area. I met several nice women on Zoosk, including Debbie from Mission Viejo, who lives 10 miles from my home. Our first date was May 19.

“Initially, there were challenges for us, but over time, we were able to navigate those obstacles. She did her thing, and I did mine, but we always gravitated back to each other. It wasn’t an exclusive/committed relationship.

“Senior dating availability, which is often a challenge for new single couples, was also an issue for us. She still works four days a week, and on three of those days, until 7:30 p.m., making our time together limited. She also has kids and grandkids in San Diego.

“We are extremely compatible. Politically, we are on the same page. We align with different religions, but for us, that’s not an issue. She’s a vegetarian; I’m a moderate meat eater. Again, we work that out.

“When her Zoosk Dating Site subscription expired, she did not renew it. When my Match.com and Zoosk subscriptions expired, I did not renew them.

“One thing that brought us closer together was Covid-19. Debbie went to Las Vegas to house-sit and puppy-sit for a friend. While there, she visited a few casinos. Debbie caught COVID-19 and was housebound for more than two weeks. I volunteered and insisted that I help her with grocery shopping and prescription pick-up.

“I would leave those items on her front porch bench. She would come outside. We were both masked. And we chatted for a couple of minutes from eight feet apart.

“That experience made us both realize how wonderful and comforting having a mate who cares about us is. So, we’ll see what happens from here.

“So, Jean The Bean, that’s the update. So, yes, I met someone online, on Zoosk. She’s 10 years younger.

“All the dating sites are hit or miss. It’s a lot of work. Scammers everywhere. But, if a person keeps trying, who knows when someone nice might come along?

“I will keep my eyes and ears open for you, as I feel you are a special person. It’s not easy. The ratio of single women to single men in your age range is nearly 5 to 1. Tough odds.

“Stay in touch. That woman, Pat Chiku, who hosted my speech, wanted to know if I’d talk at the Woman’s Club of Dana Point once every quarter. I may, we’ll see. No more PowerPoint failures wanted.”