Widowed – On Life and Love after 50

Sea of Photos

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 9, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

In last week’s eNewsletter, Scott, a man in his 50s, asked if he should be concerned when he saw “My True Love” on his widowed girlfriend’s cell phone. It was her deceased husband’s number. Several Champs shared their opinions.

Jane emailed, “My first thought when I read this was what a sweet response the woman gave to Scott when he saw ‘My True Love’ on her cellphone, describing her husband before he passed away.

“She could have said, ‘Yes, he was my only true love’ but instead she said, ‘I’ll have to come up with another name for you.’

“I am a very nick-name-kind-of-person. Giving someone a special name to me means they are loved and have a place in my heart.

“I hope Scott can get past his insecurity. His woman sounds like a keeper.”

Tom’s comment: Jane makes a strong point about nicknames and affectionate terms we create for people we love and care about. I use “Speedo” as Debbie’s nickname, and she uses “Myrtle” as my nickname. Always stated with a smile.

Alicia, “At my age, 72, it will not be surprising that I may come across this situation myself. It was a good refresher for me to see one of the responses you posted about my brother.

“Update on him: he and his 2nd wife were married for a couple of years and divorced. He continues to say he can’t wait to join his first wife in heaven and still cries for her.

“He is the type of man who doesn’t want to be alone, he has a new lady friend. It’s his life and I want him to be happy.

“She told him she was not interested in a serious relationship and wanted no physical benefits. He continues to do handyman favors for her and is willing to pay for trips and dinners. Well, at 74, he needs to live his life his way. He says she is fun to be around, so at least he’s enjoying himself.

Tom’s comment: “Trips and ongoing dinners with no benefits? I’m guessing but I imagine some of our men Champs, including me, won’t go for that arrangement. However, as men reach 70, some might accept the senior no-sex aspect.

Jim, “The reader in last week’s eNewsletter who stated ‘just move on’ probably had a divorce which is much different than having a spouse or mate pass away.

“Many widowed people usually think more about their past love than divorced people think about theirs.”

Leslie (name changed by request), emailed, “I dated a very nice widower after my divorce, whom I met on Match.com. He treated me well, was funny, and was very smart.

“But upon visiting his home he had a wall-to-wall shrine to his dearly departed wife. The focal point was a HUGE portrait of her, with smaller photos bedecking every flat surface.

“I. Just. Couldn’t. I understand his attachment. It must have been a horrible loss for him when she passed. But visiting him was a total immersion in a sea of photos, mementos, and ephemera.

Tom’s comment: I admit I had to look up the meaning of the word ephemera. It’s a noun meaning things like old papers, letters, and boxes that are meant to be used for only a short period and then can be tossed away.

Also, I liked Leslie’s “sea of photos” reference. It made me think of a 1958 hit song by Don Gibson, called “Sea of Heartbreak.” It’s an oldie but goodie, the link is below.

Leslie continued, “I quit seeing him because it was obvious that he needed more time to grieve for her. I have enough friends already. I wanted at least an available partner.

“He is not a “Match” for me, I’m afraid. I’m not saying that the place should be stripped of all evidence. But I AM saying that it takes a special person to be ok with dating in what is, essentially, a museum of constant reminders of how perfect this past spouse was. That’s great, but it’s not for me.”

Bruce, “I will always have some mementos of my deceased wife in my home for my kids to see, if for nothing else. It is what it is as far as I am concerned.”

Christine, (expert dating and relationship coach), “I have a divorced client who is dating a widower and saw a FB post that called his widow the love of his life, and my client called me before she said anything to him. I was sympathetic to how she felt. Non-widowed people often have this feeling.

“I explained ‘she isn’t here’ and ‘can’t come back’ (like her ex-husband) and confirmed how he treats her.

“We also talked about what a loving man he is to her and part of the reason is because he loved his late wife so much. She returned to the man and told him she adored how much he loved his late wife and how proud she was to be with a man who posted such a loving message to her on FB.”

Tom’s ending comments

We all grieve differently. Having photos and mementos of a deceased spouse or loved one is natural. Everyone I know who has lost a special person has photos and other memory items in his or her home.

When we start dating again, we will remove some of these items but not all. Potential new partners must be prepared for those items and accept them. Losing love can be a “Sea of Heartbreak.” And finding love again is a compromise on both sides of the fence.

However, as Leslie stated above, if the new person’s home is a shrine to their deceased love, they are likely not ready for anyone else to enter their life.

Link to Sea of Heartbreak:

Sea of Heartbreak

In Senior Dating Difficult Choices Emerge

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 23, 2024

By Columnist Thomas P Blake

In Senior Dating Difficult Choices Emerge

Fifteen years ago, a woman named Kathy attended a senior singles gathering at Tutor & Spunky’s, my Dana Point Deli. Her 42-year marriage had ended. She now lives on the East Coast, near her children. A while back, she wrote to tell me she had remarried, but was widowed just two years later.

Last week, Kathy emailed, “This past September I was called on two different Wednesdays to volunteer by answering the phones at my church office. At the end of each day, I went to supper where my church provides meals for those getting off work and others who are at church attending classes being offered.

“On both Wednesdays, I sat at the same table with friends from my Sunday School class. Each time the only chair available was next to John. On the second Wednesday, John shared how he would like me to be his friend. We even shook hands on it.

“Since then, our times together have involved eating out and going to activities or movies. We laugh a lot and he’s full of stories of his cowboy-roping days and places he lived growing up and helping his dad on oil riggs. All his stories have been interesting.

“I’ve enjoyed our friendship but have drawn back when he expressed that he really liked me. I’ve reminded him that we are just friends. Based on my history, I’m a bit vulnerable and protective of getting too involved in a relationship.

“His age (80) and his health are drawbacks to me.

“When I mentioned his age to my cousin, she, aware that I am 76, said with a smirk, ‘And how old are you? A four-year age difference is no big deal.’

“John’s a diabetic and he’s told me he has bone cancer. I’m finding that my suggestions on health have helped him in keeping his blood sugar down. He is open to my ideas and went to a good health store and is taking a protein drink, etc.

“This week he said that when he passes away, he wants me to have all his assets—including his house, car, and bank accounts. He went to a financial person to put it into action.

“He also stated if I would marry him, it would be simple as my name would be on all his things.

“You know me a little bit, Tom, and I’m not one to go jump on this and take advantage. I am praying for answers and looking also to my children who like John and want me to be happy.

“He wants to take a train trip out West. Time will tell.

“Your thoughts, Tom?”

Tom’s response to Kathy

“Kathy, the big lesson in your story, is that your meeting John shows when older singles get off the couch and out of the house and involved in activities (like senior volunteering) they enjoy, they improve their chances of meeting a potential mate.

“John sounds like a gentleman. He obviously cares a lot about you. You state that his age and health are holding you back. Aware of your past, I understand why you are hesitant.

“However, your cousin is right. Don’t let a four-year age difference stop you.

“Plus, when you meet someone with whom you are compatible–including attending the same church and sharing similar religious beliefs–consider yourself blessed.

“John’s health is an understandable concern. Diabetes can be controlled through a proper diet, medications, and lifestyle.

Bone cancer is of course a worry. Still, he could outlive you. It sounds like you’ve already helped him deal with his health issues, which he appreciates. Love each other now. Take that train trip out west.

“Regarding his estate. Does he have any children or other beneficiaries? He loves you and wants you to have his assets. What an incredible gesture. If he leaves you more than you need, you can pass that on to loved ones and the church you two share.

“Senior Marriage? Well, that’s up to you and John. He can still leave you his assets without tying the knot. Many seniors don’t want to marry again.”

Do Multiple Marriages Matter?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 5, 2024
Do Multiple Marriages Matter?
By Columnist Tom Blake

2024 Column One

In senior dating, does the number of marriages matter?

In November 2009, I wrote a column titled, “Should multiple senior dating marriages matter when seeking a mate?”

I wrote on that topic because a woman named Marjorie had emailed, “I met ‘William’ two weeks ago at a musical theatre performance. I’m 63, he is 66.

“We’ve both been married before, but neither has been widowed. Should the number of marriages matter to either of us? How many marriages before it becomes a red flag?”

She added that she had been married three times, but William had dodged the question although he told her his most recent marriage had been short-lived and bitter. Marjorie and William had been on only two dates. I replied to Marjorie: “Egad, woman, give it some time! If you press the ‘How many times married’ issue, you may chase him away before you find out how many times he’s been married. Since he’s reeling from a recent bitter marriage experience, the last thing he may want to do is defend himself or talk about it.

“Instead, why not enjoy the moment and forget about his marriage tally? It is not uncommon these days (reminder, this was in 2009) for people our age to have had more than one marriage. Does that make us tainted? Does that mean we’re bad people? No.

“I’ve had three marriages, and my partner Greta of 11 years (remember this was written in 2009) had three also. Having the same number of marriages was one of the things we had in common when sharing information on the first date, so it was a good thing we both had multiple marriages.

“And now that we are SLT (seniors living together) we’ve got the best relationship I could ever hope for. Neither of us wants marriage. Neither of us would want the number four emblazoned in scarlet upon our chests, but that’s not the reason we haven’t married.”

2024 Update on How Many Marriages

And so, here we are, 14 years later, with the first eNewsletter of 2024 looking again at the How Many Marriages issue in senior dating. Does the number of marriages a potential partner had matter? Not really, but at Marjorie’s age now, 77, assuming she’s still on this earth, I wonder if this question still puzzles her? I’ve lost track of her so I can’t ask her. Plus, I wonder if she and William had or have a relationship now.

Here are my thoughts on “Does the number of marriages matter in 2024?” Right off the top, I say hell no. However, if the number exceeds four, or the number is zero, I think the couple needs to discuss the whys and why not of the marriage number. Just to understand what happened.

Last year, a few months after Greta passed away, I decided my life would be more fulfilling if I had a woman partner in it. So, I started dating. The number of marriages a potential mate had didn’t matter. So, I thought.

The first woman of interest had been married five times. But that didn’t matter to me. I had known her for years and she had many fine qualities. But she very quickly moved on. It wasn’t the number of marriages either one had, it was most likely the age difference. I was merely 23-years-older.

Another woman of interest was a widow. Her husband was 25 years older. I didn’t know if he had been her only husband until one night when we were enjoying an adult beverage, I asked her if it mattered that I had been married three times. She said no.

I said, “How about you? She said, “Seven.” I responded, “You’ve been married seven times?” She became irked with my question and that was our final date. She had had enough of me, and I was scared to continue dating her. There were other reasons why we didn’t go out again as well.

And then my friend Jim Fallon and I met an attractive woman in the parking lot of a restaurant where we’d just had breakfast. We had seen her sitting by herself and had waved at her and she waved back. When she walked past us outside, we said hello and told her we were both single men who had lost our partners in 2022. She said she was widowed after 11 years of marriage. She said she was in her early 60s.

She and I had one date, but she didn’t want to get involved. When Jim and I saw her at breakfast at the same restaurant three months later, we asked her to join us to chat for a few minutes. The topic of the number of previous marriages came up.

I asked her if she had been married more than once. She nodded yes. I held up two fingers. She said no. Three fingers. She said no. Four fingers, no. Five fingers, no. Six fingers, yes (finally). Jim and I were dumbfounded. Her answer surprised us. She had been married six times.

She was such a soft-spoken, seemingly confident, and shy person. We didn’t ask for details, and she wasn’t about to offer them.

Does the number of times a person has been married at our senior age in 2024 matter? Not as much as in 2009.

However, I will say this. Most singles 75-plus don’t want to remarry but most of them would relish a nice relationship, regardless of the number of times a potential new partner was married. Just don’t tell me married eight times. My heart probably couldn’t handle that number.

Senior dating. Big Yellow Taxi

Tom Blake Picket Fence Media

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 29, 2022

Senior dating, wasting her time? Big Yellow Taxi

Last week, I received an email with this subject line: “Both widowed, he is living an amazing life.” The email had been sent from a link on my website. I did not recognize the sender’s name or email address.

The message read: “Dating a high school friend. We really connect. We are both widowed. I have kids…they are fairly independent. He is an amazing father of three daughters ages 45 to 51 and has seven grandchildren and a 96-year-old mom living near him.

“We love each other…I think. But we are in a long-distance relationship. He is in California; I am in Illinois. He texts me his day-to-day happenings and we talk on the phone every 10 days. It’s been four and a half months since we’ve been together.

“He had a knee replacement and is recovering well. He seems all on board and his daughters seem receptive of me. But I am afar. I feel like a vaycay gal.

“Where do I fit? Am I wasting the time I have left? What do you think?”

I felt it was not my place to advise her about senior dating, wasting her time or not. I’m a columnist, not a relationship counselor. Besides, she didn’t provide enough information to give her an intelligent answer. I get questions like this often from single seniors. In responding to a situation like this, it’s best for me to ask questions which might nudge her to answer her own question.

I emailed her back. For openers, I asked, “What is a vaycay gal?” Followed by:

“How often have you been together in person?

“Did you re-meet at a reunion?

“What do you want? To move to California or him to Illinois? Who would relocate?

She responded: “A vacay gal is when you are in a long-distance relationship, but you only take vacations together. I knew him in high school. We are both 72 and widowed. We reunited at our last reunion in 2018.

“A year ago, we started emailing, texting and talking. He visited me in Illinois for a week last October. I visited him in California at the end of December. We really hit it off. We would have visited again but he had knee replacement surgery March 8. He is doing well and will visit me May 15 for three weeks. Plus, we have a trip planned to Hawaii in September.”

And then she added: “I doubt he would move because his three daughters, seven grandkids and mother live in the same California town.

“I want a partner in life and a loving relationship.”

I responded to her: “Wasting your time? Heck, I think you’ve got a good thing going. What do you expect him to do?”

“You didn’t answer the relocate question: “Would you be willing to move to California and would he want that?”

We’ll see what she says. Her emails remind me of a 1972 song by Joni Mitchell called “Big Yellow Taxi.” More specifically, this stanza.

“Late last night, I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi took away my old man

Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone?”

The final sentence “Don’t it always seem to go. That you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone?” is repeated five times in the song.

Maybe, she’ll realize she’s got a good thing before the big yellow taxi takes him away.

Cheryl in the red dress and (in part 2) getting rid of clutter

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – January 18, 2019

by Tom Blake Columnist

Editor’s note: There are two parts to today’s “On Life and Love after 50 e-newsletter:

Part 1- Cheryl in the red dress

Part 2- Getting rid of clutter, that is, decluttering

Part 1 – Cheryl in the red dress

In the November 30, 2018, e-Newsletter, I quoted Champ Jacquelyn, who had sent me this email: “I know this is not a dating site, but it would be so good to allow us to connect with someone here or post a profile of a Champ once a month. I’m 55 and active, but single and very lonesome.”

In that e-Newsletter, I responded to Jacquelyn: “We’ve done that from time-to-time. Last week, we posted Larry’s email address with his comments. “Why not send me some of your information for posting?”

When Champ Cheryl saw my comment to Jacquelyn, she responded: “I see you’re not opposed to publishing a person’s information and photo, I’m going to take advantage of your kindness and ‘put myself out there.’ Please consider the following:

“I’ve been widowed for 15 years. I’m 72, with red hair and blue eyes. I am retired but active in fun social activities, and like to travel, especially on cruises.

“I’m seeking a man with integrity, protective instinct, kindness, intelligent enough to converse, still has enthusiasm and curiosity, and is authentic.

“I lead with my femininity, have a sharp wit, and am spiritual and traditional, with attributes of having respect, loyalty, and devotion; being non-materialistic; and being real. Attached is a recent photo of me.”

Cheryl in the red dress

I responded to Cheryl (at least I thought I had) saying I needed to know in what part of the States or Canada she lived because a potential mate would want to know that.

But I didn’t hear back from her. I did a follow up e-Newsletter wondering why some people don’t respond. When Cheryl read that newsletter, she wrote:

“I am the ‘Cheryl’ you wrote about in your newsletter, saying that I never responded to you. I didn’t receive any email from you! I don’t know why, but rest assured that I’m eager to meet someone and would have responded immediately. So sorry for whatever happened.

“I live in Los Angeles, just south of LAX. And there’s something else I’d like to add – my preference is for a Jewish man.

“Thanks so much; I really appreciate that you took the time to follow up! You are very conscientious – I will invite you to my wedding!!”

During the time of this exchange, I was writing from the cruise ship where the Internet was iffy. I thought I had responded to Cheryl, but in checking after getting home, much to my horror, I saw my message to her never went. I apologized to her.

She wrote, “Thank you, Tom. I have no ties here and am willing to relocate, if there are men who are willing to date long-distance for a while, and, use Skype. I also continue to hope that some of your Champs may ‘know someone’ appropriate for me. As you said, it’s worth a try. I appreciate your help.”

If anyone would like to email Cheryl, email me and I will forward your email to her.

Lesson learned: As Cheryl said, it’s worth a try. Stay with it because as illustrated in this example, the mistake was mine. You may communicate with someone and not hear back. Don’t assume he or she received your message, whether by email or text. Anything can happen so always follow up until you’re sure.

A perfect example of that: On the ship, I met a couple from Washington state. They told me about a widow friend of theirs, nicknamed “Sam.” I said, let me send her a couple of my dating books. He provided me with Sam’s address, a p.o. box. I shipped the books January 2; they arrived back in my mailbox on January 12, marked: “Return to Sender. Unable to Forward.”

I notified the couple what happened. They found out that Sam had opened a p.o. box when she was first widowed, not wanting to reveal her actual street address. But, two years later, Sam decided to close the p.o. box, perhaps feeling she could safely resume using her home address.

When I found that out, the books were resent this week to her snail mail address. Hopefully, Sam will become a new Champ.

Part 2 – Declutter project brings Tom’s book offer

Speaking of my printed books, may I seize this moment to talk about them? Greta and I are in a major downsizing and decluttering this New Year’s; I moved my unsold cases of books to a self-storage space. While grunting and groaning doing that, I said to myself, “I need to move out some of these books. I’m going to offer Champs a major price incentive on books.”

Here’s the offer: I will ship autographed and personally endorsed copies of any two books (I have four), including postage and sales tax, to Champs with an address in the USA for $15. That’s like five bucks a book. Check out my bookstore at https://www.findingloveafter50.com/bookstore

If you want this offer, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and let me know what books. I will invoice you by email via my PayPal account where you can pay by credit card. I will need your snail mail address, which the PayPal order requires.

I will be happy to ship the printed books (these are not ebooks) to anyone you wish (as gifts, get-even ploys with ex mates—for whatever reason), providing they have a USA address. Shipping books out of the country is too expensive.

Three books would be $20 and all four would be $25, including postage and sales tax. I will need to know how you want me to endorse them. Something like this: “To Jerry, thanks for ghosting me, you ***”

So that’s it for this week. Downsizing and getting rid of clutter are exhausting, but so important!