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Responses to 85 birthday party On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

November 22, 2024

(Photo by Michelle Rivera, aka Lady Hummingbird)

Part One – Champs Reply to Tom Blake 85^th birthday party surprise

There were several responses to last week’s eNewsletter about my 85^th birthday party. Here are just a few of them:

Florence, “Where has the time gone? I signed up for your eNewsletter 20+ years ago after the death of my husband a few years earlier. May the next 365 days be special for you.”

Marcia, “Your newsletter was filled with memories that allow your Champs to get a sense of your incredible life.

“You have taken your life experiences and turned them into something positive that will further enhance your life, and the lives of all the people you come in contact with. That is a gift.”

Tom’s comment: Those are extra special words coming from a friend I’ve known 59 years, going back to both of us growing up in Jackson, Michigan.

Ted, “Who says 85 is old? It wasn’t me, Tom. Welcome to the 86^th year that we share (although I had a head start). You are a special guy to a lot of folks out there…and to at least one guy in Grosse Pointe Park, MI. I wish I’d been a fly on that wall on the 11^th.”

Tom’s comment: Ted is a classmate from Jackson, Michigan, 60 years ago

Gloria, “A beautiful story about your celebration and special friends who came to honor you. It brought tears to my eyes reading about your celebration and memories of old friends. Many happy returns to a young 85.”

Neighbor Colleen Torres (who attended with Kresta Racker), “Love this article! It was a special day, indeed!”

Joel, a recent widower, “One of your best. I feel OK and am keeping busy with friends and constructive activities. You’re a good model for a life well lived”.

Sandy, a Champ I’ve known for 50 years, who is pondering relocating from California to the Midwest, said, “All opinions from you are received with an open mind! I’m not jumping ship soon!

“I liked the cameo on 60 Minutes about Wisconsin’s Door County “The Cape Cod of the Midwest” so much because of the obvious congeniality between folks of both political persuasions. One man said ‘We have the Midwestern nice thing going!’ Lots of artists and Chicago retirees. And, although it is a beautiful vacation destination, seemingly, also very low ( by comparison to California ) rents.”

Bruce, Ohio, “Happy belated birthday and it is great you have so many friends at this point in your life.”

Ginny, PA, “I especially loved this week’s newsletter. So many emotions were expressed.

“Thank you for giving us a brief history lesson about Veterans Day and your service to our country.

“I am proud of my Harry’s 39 years in the Air Force. On Veterans Day he leads several ceremonies: one at our Senior Center and another as a retired military member of his high school Vets committee.

“Pleased to hear you and Debbie could celebrate your special day with friends. Happy 85th. I am right behind you.”

Part 2 – A Champ’s poignant and timely comment

With all the threats and chatter going on in this world about WW III, Wil’s comment stopped me in my tracks:

Wil, Hawaii (a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain co-worker of mine in Oakland, CA, and Denver in the early 70s), wrote succinctly, “My wife Pua and I are on vacation at ground zero in Nagasaki, depressing place. All world leaders should come here.”

Senior Single Women Be Assertive

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

November 8, 2024 Columnist Tom Blake

Most Champs in their 60s and 70s know that the ratio of single women to single men in their age range is roughly 4-to-1 or more. We learned in this eNewsletter recently that the ratio at Laguna Woods Village in South Orange County, California, a 55-plus community, is between 7 and 8 to one.

Women have told me, “And some of those single men aren’t dating material, thereby increasing the ratio. Bottom line, meeting a compatible guy to date is a daunting challenge.”

I hear that all the time. Because of these bleak numbers, I’ve often told single senior women, “When you see a man within an acceptable age range, who isn’t wearing a wedding ring, and who appeals to you, don’t be shy. Be assertive—not aggressive—and start a conversation with him.

Champ M, a single Dana Point, CA woman, in her early 60s, shared her story of assertiveness to meet a handsome man. She just made one key mistake.

She emailed: “This happened last week. I’m a caregiver. I applied for a new job at a caregiving company and one of the requirements was to get a TB blood test as a part of the employment application process. I went to a medical lab and as I walked in, I noticed a handsome man sitting in the waiting room looking at his phone. He didn’t appear to see me.

“I signed in and spoke to the lady at the counter, knowing that this handsome man was behind me staring at his phone. They called him into the blood drawing station and as he went by me, I noticed he was a bit older than me and not wearing a wedding ring.

“While sitting in the waiting room, I couldn’t help but think about him. I remembered the advice that Tom Blake had shared with readers in previous newspaper articles and eNewsletters regarding single women being assertive when seeing a potential man partner. Tom had encouraged women to take the initiative and say hello to men they are attracted to, who appear to be single (no wedding ring, for example).

“I shrugged my shoulders and sat down by the exit door, never thinking that the man would walk by me again. While I waited to be summoned, he emerged from the drawing station and walked toward me heading for the exit. Our eyes met this time, and I felt a mutual attraction, and I thought ‘OK, be brave M, hurry up and say something.’

“I said to him, ‘That was quick. Did it hurt?’

“With kind eyes and a bright smile, he said, ‘Not at all!’”

“I said, ‘I am scared and terrified of needles (which I am). I hate getting shots.’ And then, I felt an overwhelming boldness and childlike flirting with what I said next, ‘Would you hold my hand?’

“He said, ‘Sure I will.’

“I was floored and taken aback. I lost my nerve at that moment. Thoughts kept popping into my head that he might be married. Some men don’t wear a wedding ring. I wish when he said ‘Sure, I will’ that I had been clever and quick and savvy enough to ask, ‘Are you married?’

“Instead, I clammed up and said, ‘Oh wow that’s so nice of you.’ And then I foolishly said, ‘They’ll probably take care of me in there. I’m sorry, thank you, anyway.’

“He said, ‘OK sure,’ and walked out.

“I sat there for 20 seconds, stunned by what I had failed to do, and thought, oh my goodness, I choked. I should have given him my hand, or, at least given him my caregiver business card with my phone number on it. I didn’t. I totally blew it. I missed an incredible opportunity to be with a nice man.

“I probably will never see him again, but it made me realize that being assertive in a classy way works. There’s not a happy-ever-after ending to this story—at least not yet– but I’m getting bolder as a single senior woman!”

Champ M continued, “I opened the door to see if he was in the hallway still waiting for the elevator. He was gone so I didn’t get a chance to give him my card or at least ask him if he was married so there went that opportunity. However, I’m glad that I’m getting bolder. My advice to senior single women. Don’t miss an opportunity to meet a man like I did.”

Tom’s comment to M. “Who knows? He might have been married. But, unfortunately, you choked. Move on, having learned a senior love lesson: Senior single women be assertive. Hopefully, our Champs (women and men) will think of your experience when an opportunity arises for them, ensuring they engage the potential mate in conversation. Be assertive, not aggressive.

Are you married?

A Senior Night at the ER

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 25, 2024
A Night at The ER
By Columnist Tom Blake (with assistance)

Note from Tom. I had help from Debbie, my partner of 18 months, writing this eNewsletter. Soon, you will understand why.

Last Friday night Debbie and I were heading out for dinner at 5:30 p.m. My car was parked at the curb outside my home. I walked four feet in front of her to open the passenger-side door. Much to my horror, she tripped on a patch of uneven Korean grass and fell face-first hard on the concrete sidewalk.

Her water bottle and purse went flying. The right side of her body, particularly her right breast and face, took the hit. She didn’t scream but she let out a loud sound of agony. The dogs belonging to our neighbors across the street could not see us, but upon hearing Debbie’s moans, started emitting a mournful noise. They could sense that something was terribly wrong.

With all the medical issues that Debbie has endured in the last five months–painful breast cancer removal and reconstructive surgery, radiation, loss of estrogen, hot flashes, endless doctor visits, and physical therapy–to see her writhing in pain curled up on the sidewalk, I felt so bad I nearly went into shock.

When you love someone, and see them so compromised, it takes a toll on your entire psyche. It took over three minutes to get her gingerly onto her feet.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” she proclaimed. With a reddish-blue bump forming over her right eye, I didn’t think she was okay. There was no blood, however, which was a positive sign. Debbie asked me to get her an ice bag to put above her eye. Fortunately, she didn’t break her hip.

Debbie is a tough cookie. While holding the ice bag above her eye, she said, “Let’s head for dinner.” I said, “I don’t think so. Are you sure?” She insisted. We got carefully into the car and I started to drive. My mind was racing. Should we even go to a restaurant? Or should we change to a drive-through eatery? Debbie solved my dilemma by saying, “Do you think the Urgent Care around the corner is still open?”

Debbie always puts a positive spin on life. She kids a lot. Next, she added, “I hear they have great dinner specials at Urgent Care. And it’s early, so it’s probably not too busy yet.” (She was kidding of course).

She asked if I had called ahead for a reservation (still kidding). At this point, the small “egg” had grown over her eye. I headed for Urgent Care, two blocks away. Fortunately, they were still open, but unfortunately, in the case of a head injury, or possible traumatic brain injury, they send you to a hospital ER, where there is more sophisticated equipment. We looked at each other and agreed. “We are going to the ER at Mission Hospital.”

(Debbie’s reason for us going to the ER was that about two years ago, she fell off an 8’ ladder onto the concrete floor in her garage, and because she didn’t hit her head, only her back, and she had little pain, she thought, ‘good no concussion’, and decided not to go to the ER that time. However, she recently discovered that in that fall she had a fracture in her L4 area, and she didn’t want to risk any future back medical issues).

The ER

We arrived at Mission Hospital ER at about 6 p.m. There were seven ambulances parked nearby with their rear emergency doors open. When we entered the waiting room area, the room was 3/4 full of people of all ages, both patients and people who had accompanied the patients. Several health technicians and security personnel were scurrying around trying to be as helpful and efficient as possible.

Upon checking Debbie in, the staff made Debbie a top priority due to the potential brain injury caused by her fall. I heard an announcement that went throughout the ER saying ‘Code X, brain trauma patient checking in.’ We were told we’d be at the ER for at least two hours. During our time in the waiting room, Debbie was summoned several times as staff members came and escorted her to labs, an EKG, X-rays, and CAT scans. The ER was a busy place on that Friday night. Six people were checking new patients in.

Debbie is a Psychotherapist. She analyzes and assists people for a living. Together, we watched the new people arriving. To help pass the time while waiting and take the edge off her situation, we exchanged thoughts on what the other patients were dealing with.

This, of course, involved much eavesdropping, observing, and filling in the blank’s guesswork. We first focused on a young woman and her male companion who arrived shortly after us. There were no obvious medical issues that we could see about her, but she was crying. We didn’t know what was going on with her until four hours later, she was united with a baby boy, perhaps her son or nephew.

Most new arrivals were escorted by one or two family members or friends. A few people were alone. One was a man, 50ish, 6’2’, seated by himself. He was wearing high-top tennis shoes with untied shoelaces. Debbie told me that not tying one’s shoelaces is one of the latest fads among hip people these days. (I’m so out of touch in my older years).

Another young man wearing a football uniform had a makeshift cast on his arm. He had likely been injured in a Friday Night Lights football game. He was whisked through the waiting room to somewhere deeper in the hospital. We saw at least 25 new patients check in.

At 10:15 p.m., Debbie was relocated to the main emergency room area where a doctor would review all her results from the tests she had endured. I was allowed to be with her. That is also the area where patients on gurneys are wheeled in. Twice, people were wheeled into the hallway strapped on gurneys being escorted by armed Orange County Sheriff officers with guns at their sides. Heaven only knows what had transpired with those two dudes.

All of Debbie’s tests came back ok. Most importantly, the CAT scan showed no brain bleeding. The doctor said it would feel like a truck hit her, especially her sore breast that she had landed on, and that she should take it easy for a week but would feel discomfort for as long as a month. Debbie was released from the hospital at 11:30 p.m. We made it home by midnight. Our dinner date lasted six hours, but we didn’t eat a meal. I had a protein bar from the hospital cafeteria.

How is she feeling now, seven days later? She said, “I have a concussion. My head is still in a fog, and my right breast still hurts and it’s painful when I take a deep breath.”

Lessons Learned From Debbie

Debbie said, “Seniors must always be mindful of their surroundings, such as curbs, stairs, and uneven surfaces.

“Plus, seniors must ensure they seek medical help when they’ve had a mishap, even when they feel they are ok.”

Senior Sex and Physical Attraction

Where is senior sex ranked on your list?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 18, 2024
Is Senior Sex On Your List?
By Columnist Tom Blake

Where does Senior Sex rank on your list?

There were many responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter regarding the senior romance and marriage of Ray and Libby Freer, who found each other 73 years after knowing each other as kids. All responses were positive, with glowing comments about how much Champs appreciated the story.

For example, Carolyn emailed, “We all absolutely loved reading this amazing senior love story. They are an incredibly beautiful couple.”

Surprisingly, the story also inspired some senior relationship questions. Two questions stood out. One was about senior sex/physical attraction. The other was about 12 characteristics to ponder when seeking a senior mate.

Senior Sex

Ray’s comments, before he met Libby, triggered the sex/physicality topic. He diplomatically stated, “It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother.”

“It is just my impression, but the relationship becomes more emotional when a couple starts sleeping together. At some level, that implies more commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.

“The other side of that is I am picky, so that is also frustrating. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’

Christine Baumgartner (Christine@theperfectcatch.com), one of our Champs and a Dating and Relationship coach said, “As Ray mentioned, sex is a ‘hot topic’ at this stage in our lives. I repeat my previous offer to discuss sex with any of our Champs should they have questions about it, they can email me.” Wow, that in itself is a ‘hot offer.’

One Champ, name withheld by request, a divorced mother of three, took a firm stance about senior sex, “I won’t have sex with a man until we are married.”
I suggested to her that most men I know—in fact, all men I know–wouldn’t be willing to wait that long. Hence, she’s likely missing out on some good men who would be terrific mates.

And what happens if a couple waits on intimacy, postponing the joys sex can bring, and then marries, only to discover they are sexually incompatible? Do they undo the wedding? Or, do they simply live unhappily in frustration?

One guy Champ raised senior first-date questions. He said, “What’s the senior first-date etiquette? Let’s say you’ve enjoyed being with each other and both the man and the woman feel instant chemistry. Is a kiss on the lips acceptable? Or would the woman feel that was rushing the relationship?

A cheek peck is better than a handshake, but that’s lame. A good hug sends a warm signal. What’s okay on the first date?” He also added, “How long should a couple wait to be intimate? I’ve heard that some couples make love the first time they are together. That seems risky.” And one more question. “If the first-date attraction is not there, can it grow as two people get to know each other better?”

Champ Julie, twice married, now divorced commented on the above question, “I believe attraction can grow. I can be attracted to a wide variety of looks and feelings in a person. Personality affects it. A man making me laugh changes the game completely.

“Meeting someone for the first time can be about the place I am in my head. In the early years after my divorce, I may have been craving a crush-like fantasy but wasn’t open or available to my dates.”

Julie added that she hasn’t been out on a date lately, but she does feel attraction can grow. She’s waiting for attraction to grow, now all she needs is to meet a guy she likes with whom to grow it.

Champ Greg emailed about a first date he had with a woman. He said that each having had a glass of wine relaxed them both and the date ended with an on-the-lips kiss. Their senior first-date attraction grew and grew. I plan to share their exciting senior love story soon.

A few Champs asked for a copy of the List of 12 Characteristics sought in a mate that Ray referred to last week. I retrieved the list from the archives and included it below. It’s only a suggested list; your list might be different and have a different order of importance.

Tom’s Suggested List of 12 Characteristics Women Might Seek in a Mate (and vice versa for men)
1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And he is to me
3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week
8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values
9. He must be kind and considerate of others
10. We must agree on politics
11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots nor closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs
12. He must be emotionally prepared to have a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to.

If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person likely isn’t for me.

In Memoriam

On September 27, I wrote about couples who are aging well. Included in that article was our Champ Joel who was quoted about how blessed he is to have met Wendy in 2012 and married her in 2018.

Tragically, on October 6, Wendy passed away after being hospitalized for two weeks with an unexpected recurrence of a previous illness.
Joel, of course, is devastated. We Champs send our prayers to Joel–and Wendy. Many of us have been down a similar path and understand the huge window in Joel’s heart. God Bless you, Joel.

Single seniors be assertive

Champ Sharon Likes Guinness and Ireland

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 6, 2024
Single Singles Be Assertive
By Columnist Tom Blake

Sharon (from Pennsylvania) wrote, “I sure am glad you continue writing because I enjoy hearing from you every Friday and yes you are blessed with the gift of writing. I love how your wonderful, fun, and upbeat personality comes across in some way within every writing!

“I agree that we Champs need to get out there and socialize. You and I exchanged emails two or three years ago and you encouraged me then on ways to meet someone.

“I am always keeping the thought of meeting a truly nice, humorous, and fun guy in my mind as I go about my days. I met a man at a classmate’s funeral. He asked if the seat beside me was taken and I said no. I liked him instantly and we talked and found out we attended the same school; he was a year behind me. He also had known my Dad.

“He asked me if I was married and I said no; he said he wasn’t either. After the funeral, he asked me if I wanted to walk at a local park. I did, we communicated well, and he held my hand as we walked around the park. We even kissed and I was starting to think wow I can’t believe I am meeting this man.

“Then he was honest with me and said he lives with a woman, my heart sank. He wanted to see me again and I said ‘No, it sounds like you already have a girlfriend!’ So much for that!

“I keep busy taking care of my house inside and out. I am meticulously fussy with keeping everything neat and have had several men stop and talk while I was outside. One even told me his wife passed away last year and that he was taking a trip out West, but I haven’t seen him walking since.

“I play pickleball or work out at Spooky Nook Sports (A sports complex in Lancaster County, PA) most days. And I attend a class breakfast and a retirement lunch each month. Plus, I go to all three of my grandsons’ sports events every chance I get, and the normal store jaunts and church on Sunday.

“I’ve had no luck meeting anyone, I am beginning to think good men are hard to find and think I should just be happy with my own company. Maybe people are more friendly in California than in Pennsylvania!”

Tom’s response to Sharon

Sharon, Thank you for your kind comments. To me, Champs are trusted friends. I call them privately ‘Tom Blake’s Senior Champs’. Or Tom’s Champs for short. Hence, I am comfortable being open, honest, and comfortable with all of you. Most single Champs, both men and women, would like to meet a nice, humorous, and fun potential mate. Besides those three important characteristics, many Champs (women and men) tell me that senior physical attraction is at or near the top of their characteristics-wanted list.

And I am one of them. The guy you met at the funeral was a snake. He asked if you were married and you said no. Then, he responded that he wasn’t married either, inferring he was unattached. He held your hand and kissed you. Wow, that is physical attraction right off the bat. I don’t blame you for feeling uplifted at that moment. Instant chemistry is the stuff that dreams are made of.

You said he was honest with you. I think you mean, honest after he acted like he cared for you. He held your hand, kissed you, and later confessed he lives with a woman. He was a dorkster (a term not recognized in the English language but one that my favorite brother-in-law uses often).

I imagine that every Champ who reads today’s eNewsletter would have had their heart sink as well under those circumstances. It was the old bait-and-switch method. And you did the right thing by saying no, you would not see him while he is living with a woman.

Regarding the guy who walks by your house whose wife has passed away, if you are attracted to him, the next time you see him, invite him over for coffee or a bite to eat.

And check out the other men who walk past. If you don’t see a wedding ring or a woman holding onto their arm, ask them casually if they are single. Be assertive, not aggressive.

If you suspect a man is single, and you find him appealing, suggest you get together.

Continue doing the things you currently do outside: attending the grandkids’ events, pickleball, luncheons, breakfasts, store jaunts, and church. Those are so critical. It increases your chances of meeting a potential mate, but being active and keeping your body moving is good for your health. Remember, it only takes one person.

Continue trying to meet someone in your city. That beats the heck out of online dating. Remember, be friendly and always smile. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of the men you see and their status. You might try online dating in the future, but it’s a whole new endeavor.

And yes, good men are hard to find. But they are out there. And for men, compatible women are hard to find. Yes, the ratio of single women to single men puts men at an advantage. But neither women nor men should give up hope. Keep searching. Pursue every opportunity. We just never know when fate or a higher power will step in to help us. Yes, be happy with your own company, but don’t stop trying to meet someone. As Fleetwood Mac sang in their song, “Don’t Stop”:

“Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here”It’ll be better than before”Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone”
(song link below)

Are men in California friendlier than in Pennsylvania? Probably not, there just are more of them. But, of course, there are more women in California too, so that evens out with the great state of PA. Please keep us posted. Champs tell me they want to hear about the journeys other Champs are experiencing. I wish you well. And if any Champ would like to contact Sharon, let me know. I will put you in touch with her.

Link to Fleetwood Mac song, Don’t Stop:

Bing Videos

Losing love and dealing with the pain

On Life and Love After 50 e-Newsletter July 6, 2024

Overcoming the pain of losing a mate

By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

On October 29, 2022, my partner, Greta, of 25 years, passed away. Five months later, I mustered the courage to write the May 5, 2023 eNewsletter titled Five Women Share Their Views on Losing Love and Dealing With The Pain. The responses from readers to that column were numerous.

Carolyn, emailed, “I just finished reading your most excellent eNewsletter. As is often stated, ‘Life Is For The Living!’ We can always think and remember the good times and the love we shared with our mate who has passed on, but it is necessary to find another companion.

“I lost my close friend and companion on April 10, 2020 (Good Friday). He contracted Covid-19 before authorities knew what was killing people so rapidly. He was sick in December 2019, but it was thought to be pneumonia. After that, all his organs started to fail.

“I am seeing a man who treats me well, buys me flowers and books I like, and treats me to fantastic Broadway shows.

“He is a wonderful man who makes me laugh so much. Plus, a fantastic conversationalist! His wife also passed away. He said right off the bat that he didn’t want to remain lonely anymore. Nor I.

“I am hoping Tom that you find someone who makes you happy and you can have wonderful conversations with. Life is short so we all had better get out there and enjoy it to the max!

Pat, 76, “I have been a subscriber to your eNewsletter for many years and this is the first time I am responding.

“I was widowed at age 53 in 2000 after 32 years of marriage. The following September my only daughter gave birth to identical twin girls. So, I had something to focus on after losing my husband (I was a caregiver for many years as he had MS).

“The thought of dating didn’t enter my mind for years. When my granddaughters became teenagers, I found I needed more in my life and joined a dating site. I dated two men each for two years but knew there had to be someone I could connect to. So, I kept at it – it was like a job.

“I recognized the scammers and finally met an honest man who lives 15 minutes from me. He was a widower. We started dating and two years later we are happy together. I would never have met him if it hadn’t been for the Senior People site.

“Life is too short – especially at our ages. I never thought I would find someone at this age that I would care for so much and have such a terrific relationship with.

“My advice to you is to stick with it and you will find the right person. The old saying “You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince” is true. Take care & lots of luck in the dating world!”

Deanne emailed, “The worst part of widowhood for me is becoming one. For 33 years I was a party of two. We were the dynamic duo and the word lonely didn’t exist. I just can’t seem to get used to being without someone who was such a big part of me.

“And not having someone to talk to, laugh with, and share life with is the worst pain I have experienced because it’s never-ending. This comes from a girl who experienced a Caesarean section with no anesthesia and lived to talk about it. My pain threshold is high, but surgery heals, and I just can’t seem to heal my heart.”

Thyrza emailed, “Everything you wrote last week about loneliness after a loved one has gone is so true. Loneliness and longings for the departed beloved sucks. Given my experience in my marriage, it took me 10 years to get the courage to start looking. My oldest daughter would encourage me to give myself another chance.

“I joined Match.com. I met a few frogs, but I persisted. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with an empty feeling. I enjoyed my three grands but having someone in my life to share my thoughts, feelings of joy and sadness, and the physical aspect of loving someone is a treasure.

“I found a man. It just takes patience and an open mind to find that person. To me, there is no time frame in which to find a new relationship. Looking back, I wish I’d had a different mindset then. Ten years is a long time to realize that loneliness sucks. Sooner is better!”

Dee, “I understand the need to find love again. I don’t want to just be friends although it could start that way. At my stage in life, I want warp speed. And from one member of our club (which we never imagined being members of) to another, it all sucks!

“I work late so I don’t have to be home as the sun sets (just too many memories for me). This is not the life I planned, this is not what I could have ever imagined happening and I want a new beginning.

“My friends are all married or in long-term relationships. They don’t get it and I would never want them to be in my shoes. But I would like to find that special person to walk alongside me, hold my hand, and make me feel good again. And a hug, wow that strong arm around me. Yes, I’m truly missing that.

“No one can tell us what is good for us. Our lives, as we knew them, just died. But we are still here and should feel good again. Dating apps serve a purpose. We know the risks and pitfalls. I’m willing to take a chance again. I remain lonely but hopeful. And if I’m lucky enough I will kiss loneliness goodbye.
“You and I know ‘the lonely.’ It doesn’t matter if it’s six months or years; time drags along, and we know that we have become unwilling experts.

Claire emailed: “You, Tom, sound lost. It is understandable.”

Me: Lost? Not lost, just no partner at this point.

My Personal Journey of Recovery

In April 2023, while sitting alone at home and lonelier than heck, I joined Match.com and another site called Zoosk. I hoped to curb my loneliness. I met a couple of women for coffee, a couple for a walk, and sprung for dinner twice.

Two weeks after the eNewsletter was published, on Friday, May 19, I noticed a woman’s profile on Zoosk. Her name was Debbie from Mission Viejo (a half hour away). We exchanged messages on Zoosk and agreed to meet that evening. I was nine years older, which didn’t seem to bother her, at least that’s what she said.

We had much in common. Sports, political affiliation, advanced degrees, love of the ocean and water. And chemistry. I liked her height, 5′ 1″. We started to date on May 19. That was more than a year ago. Like any new couple, we’ve had differences to work out. We are in a committed relationship and both feel blessed we met. Online dating worked for us.

As I mentioned in a recent eNewsletter, Debbie had breast cancer surgery six weeks ago and is recovering nicely. The cancer had not spread. She completed five radiation treatments this week as a precaution to stop a return.
After her fifth treatment this Tuesday, she got to ring the bell signifying that she had completed the radiation treatments, a tradition at The City of Hope Cancer Center.

The sign says, “This course is run, my treatment done. Now I am on my way.”
I imagine several of our Champs have been able to ring a similar bell. Good job cancer survivors. Good job Debbie. The picture of Debbie contemplating the bell is below, taken this Tuesday. Seconds later, she was ringing it with a big smile.

9 reasons I won’t be the next Golden Bachelor

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 26, 2024

by Columnist Tom Blake

Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

The first mention I noticed of my name in the same sentence as “The Golden Bachelor” was in an email on February 9, 2024. Champ Victoria wrote, “…I was going to suggest you’d make a good Golden Bachelor. I heard they’re looking. LOL!”

I responded to Victoria: “Me? A good Golden Bachelor? Maybe I will do a column on why I won’t become a Golden Bachelor. I’ll give you credit for suggesting it. Among the many fun reasons I won’t become a GB is that it would mean another marriage for me, and three previous marriages are enough.

Most of us know that Gerry Turner, age 72, this year’s Golden Bachelor, proposed on November 30, 2023, to Theresa Nist,70, the woman he selected out of the 22 women who appeared on the show. Turner and Nist married in a televised wedding ceremony on January 4, 2024, in La Quinta, California.

And then, in an article written by Anita Gosch, a columnist for The Orange County Register, that was published on February 15, 2024, Gosch wrote, referring to me, “No, he’s not a new Golden Bachelor.” (I didn’t contact Gosch to ask why she said I wasn’t the next Golden Bachelor).

We all know what happened. The Turner/Nist marriage lasted three months. On April 12, they announced on Good Morning America that they were getting a divorce. A few Champs asked for my opinion on the Golden Bachelor scenario—from the first episode to the finale–and one Champ asked if I ever considered applying to be the next Golden Bachelor.

These are 9 reasons why I won’t be the next Golden Bachelor

1. They won’t ask me

2. I only watched parts of the first segment. I felt it wasn’t realistic, and was “too made for television.” I thought it suggested that dating at 70+ was easy and glamourous when Champs know damn well that dating even at 60+ isn’t easy; it’s challenging and can be very discouraging

3. I didn’t think the show was fair to women. At Nist’s age, 70, the ratio of single women to single men is approximately five-to-one. Women often tell me that not all the men in that ratio are relationship material, making the effective ratio upwards of six-to-one.

The Golden Bachelor ratio was 22 women, to one man. It’s like the lotto. Why is there only one winner of several million bucks or over a billion? Why aren’t there multiple lotto winners? Why, in the Golden Bachelor, can’t there be five women winners instead of just one?

4. Age and Energy. At my age, 84, I barely have the energy to get through the day. I can’t imagine having to decide which one of the 22 women would be the best match for me. My problem is I’d probably like them all.

To make matters worse, filming and dating times might be in the middle of the day, infringing on my nap time. Can you imagine trying to impress a senior woman on a first date and dozing off while sipping coffee or tea? That reminds me of some scenes we see on live TV these days. People dozing off.

5. And what about doctor’s appointments? Many seniors have a plethora of appointments on their calendars. Some medical appointments they’ve had to book months in advance. What would a woman do? Reschedule an important medical appointment only to be dumped by some “made-for-television dude?”

6. Gerry and Theresa’s marriage lasted three months. Did that surprise me? No, they didn’t know each other long enough to make such a monumental decision. Egad, wait at least a year before tying the knot. A two-year wait is even better.

The dilemma for people in their 70s and 80s, we don’t have the time to wait. So why not just enjoy each other and make the best of the time we have left without getting married?

It makes one wonder if their Golden Bachelor marriage was done for the sake of television, a part of the sign-on contract. Words like these (made up solely by me): “Gerry, and whomever you choose, must agree to get married, and allow us to put the marriage on live TV. You will be paid an extra $100,000 each.”

7. Most Champs know LDRs (Long Distance Relationships) are difficult. Ask Champs Gail (Bishop, CA) and Bruce (Lima, Ohio) who live in small cities. They are not in a relationship—they have never met in person but I believe they have corresponded. They both have shared how tough it is to find a mate and carry on an LDR.

Gerry and Theresa from the Golden Bachelor found that out as they lived in different states. Neither wanted to give up their friends, kids, families, etc., by moving to a different state to be together.

Ostensibly, that’s why their marriage didn’t work out. I don’t want to move to a different state or even far away in California to be with a woman. A half-hour drive away is bad enough for me

8. If I were the Golden Bachelor, and agreed to marry, I’d have to announce the subsequent divorce on Good Morning America. That’s no big deal; I’ve already been on GMA so I don’t need the publicity. On June 8, 2005, I was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on GMA about senior dating. See the photo above of Me, Greta (a special woman), and Diane Sawyer from that day.

9. I’ve spent a year and a half hoping to find a new woman friend after my loss of Greta. Well, I’ve got a new woman friend named Debbie (the one referenced above who lives a half hour away). She’s a tough cookie. Intelligent and strong-willed.

Can you imagine Debbie’s response if I told her: “Debbie, is it okay if I become the next Golden Bachelor? I’ll be courting 22 women and will be busy for a few months filming the show. Yes, I’ll be hugging and kissing them on live television but I still love you.”

Her comment would be, as Bill Haley and The Comets made popular 74 years ago, “See You Later, Alligator.”

Those are the 9 reasons I won’t be the next Golden Bachelor.

Do Multiple Marriages Matter?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 5, 2024
Do Multiple Marriages Matter?
By Columnist Tom Blake

2024 Column One

In senior dating, does the number of marriages matter?

In November 2009, I wrote a column titled, “Should multiple senior dating marriages matter when seeking a mate?”

I wrote on that topic because a woman named Marjorie had emailed, “I met ‘William’ two weeks ago at a musical theatre performance. I’m 63, he is 66.

“We’ve both been married before, but neither has been widowed. Should the number of marriages matter to either of us? How many marriages before it becomes a red flag?”

She added that she had been married three times, but William had dodged the question although he told her his most recent marriage had been short-lived and bitter. Marjorie and William had been on only two dates. I replied to Marjorie: “Egad, woman, give it some time! If you press the ‘How many times married’ issue, you may chase him away before you find out how many times he’s been married. Since he’s reeling from a recent bitter marriage experience, the last thing he may want to do is defend himself or talk about it.

“Instead, why not enjoy the moment and forget about his marriage tally? It is not uncommon these days (reminder, this was in 2009) for people our age to have had more than one marriage. Does that make us tainted? Does that mean we’re bad people? No.

“I’ve had three marriages, and my partner Greta of 11 years (remember this was written in 2009) had three also. Having the same number of marriages was one of the things we had in common when sharing information on the first date, so it was a good thing we both had multiple marriages.

“And now that we are SLT (seniors living together) we’ve got the best relationship I could ever hope for. Neither of us wants marriage. Neither of us would want the number four emblazoned in scarlet upon our chests, but that’s not the reason we haven’t married.”

2024 Update on How Many Marriages

And so, here we are, 14 years later, with the first eNewsletter of 2024 looking again at the How Many Marriages issue in senior dating. Does the number of marriages a potential partner had matter? Not really, but at Marjorie’s age now, 77, assuming she’s still on this earth, I wonder if this question still puzzles her? I’ve lost track of her so I can’t ask her. Plus, I wonder if she and William had or have a relationship now.

Here are my thoughts on “Does the number of marriages matter in 2024?” Right off the top, I say hell no. However, if the number exceeds four, or the number is zero, I think the couple needs to discuss the whys and why not of the marriage number. Just to understand what happened.

Last year, a few months after Greta passed away, I decided my life would be more fulfilling if I had a woman partner in it. So, I started dating. The number of marriages a potential mate had didn’t matter. So, I thought.

The first woman of interest had been married five times. But that didn’t matter to me. I had known her for years and she had many fine qualities. But she very quickly moved on. It wasn’t the number of marriages either one had, it was most likely the age difference. I was merely 23-years-older.

Another woman of interest was a widow. Her husband was 25 years older. I didn’t know if he had been her only husband until one night when we were enjoying an adult beverage, I asked her if it mattered that I had been married three times. She said no.

I said, “How about you? She said, “Seven.” I responded, “You’ve been married seven times?” She became irked with my question and that was our final date. She had had enough of me, and I was scared to continue dating her. There were other reasons why we didn’t go out again as well.

And then my friend Jim Fallon and I met an attractive woman in the parking lot of a restaurant where we’d just had breakfast. We had seen her sitting by herself and had waved at her and she waved back. When she walked past us outside, we said hello and told her we were both single men who had lost our partners in 2022. She said she was widowed after 11 years of marriage. She said she was in her early 60s.

She and I had one date, but she didn’t want to get involved. When Jim and I saw her at breakfast at the same restaurant three months later, we asked her to join us to chat for a few minutes. The topic of the number of previous marriages came up.

I asked her if she had been married more than once. She nodded yes. I held up two fingers. She said no. Three fingers. She said no. Four fingers, no. Five fingers, no. Six fingers, yes (finally). Jim and I were dumbfounded. Her answer surprised us. She had been married six times.

She was such a soft-spoken, seemingly confident, and shy person. We didn’t ask for details, and she wasn’t about to offer them.

Does the number of times a person has been married at our senior age in 2024 matter? Not as much as in 2009.

However, I will say this. Most singles 75-plus don’t want to remarry but most of them would relish a nice relationship, regardless of the number of times a potential new partner was married. Just don’t tell me married eight times. My heart probably couldn’t handle that number.