| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 6, 2023 A Troubled Senior Woman Seeks Answers She is conflicted over senior dating By Columnist Tom Blake |
| In last week’s eNewsletter, I asked Champs to email me their stories, questions, and observations. One woman, Trish, wanted to share her story. Her story was so captivating, it’s today’s article. It’s three of her emails spliced together. It’s lengthy and complex. As I read what Trish wrote, I realized her story was far beyond my reach as a relationship columnist. She has deep-seated issues that need attention. I asked Trish for her permission to share her information confidentially with a therapist friend of mine. Trish agreed. You will see in Trish’s email below why I felt this way. Trish wrote, “I’ve been reading your newsletter for years. I’ve been divorced for 10 years and was in a serious relationship that ended four years ago. “I am now seeing a man who has pursued me for three years. We dated for almost a year, and I ended it, but he’s back after patiently waiting for me. We ran into each other a few months ago and have seen each other every day since; he adores me. Tom’s comment: (I added the italics and boldface to the two sentences below for clarity and emphasis.) “My concern is that I’m not capable of that kind of feeling. I’m happy to be with him for the most part, I just can’t envision a whole life with him as he does. We are both fit and healthy. “He has an incredible and beautiful faith in God and has put my own spiritual journey on a path that is so different and amazing. “He’s felt from day one when we met that God put me on his path to love and care for me. He waited patiently before asking me out on his boat for an afternoon. Then again, and again. “His faith allows him to overlook the differences in our feelings towards each other because he feels very strongly that God ‘gave’ me to him for him to care for me. “Is it wrong to continue in a relationship where there is an imbalance of feelings? I’m afraid of hurting him, I’m 62, he’s 69. He is extremely generous with money and talent. He works on my home, my real true love (lol). I don’t have much to give in return. He is just happy to be with me. There is no physical contact, it isn’t an issue for either of us, so it’s more like best buddies. “I’m a ‘rough-around-the-edges’ New Yorker. He’s a small-town Southern roughneck. He’s fun, quirky, and a bit of a character. We know the same people and most of them love it that we are back together. He sees marriage, I have no vision. “I don’t think I can love again, but I most certainly care for him. I have zero interest in a physical relationship, I don’t have so much of myself to give. He has never made a move. We have a great time together; I just don’t really bring much to the table. “I own my home and have been told I’m ‘sexy.’ I hate that and look 10 years younger. I have a great job that I love (in mental health). He lives on a houseboat, has a pontoon boat, and drives nice vehicles. He’s not unattractive; he’s been on his own for 13 years. “We hadn’t seen each other for a year, he walked into a local pub where I was playing pool and it was amazing to see him and reacquaint. We have seen each other just about every day since. “I was hurt 10 years ago to a level for which I can’t find words. I’ve risen above it financially and spiritually and found my peace with me alone, not lonely. “I live in the South and find myself in another world, Tony world, that I mostly embrace. He’s a true ‘redneck’ with a Southern Drawl. I’m 62, he’s 69. “He’s proposed a few times, more of a business transaction, as he thinks he will live past 100, but wants to make sure I am taken care of. I have no desire to find another man, I’ve got tons of opportunities, including ex-boyfriends from as far back as high school. Pisses me off that I wasn’t good enough then but now I am? Disgusting. “As far as settling? I have a life, two amazing sons, that I raised on my own since they were 13 and 14. They have both launched successfully. I love my home albeit it needs some attention. He is always doing something around here for me. “I have a career, a few bucks in the bank, not much, but I pay my bills. A small circle of friends, I’ll never trust or really fit in here. The people are basically all kind. I took up pool, lol, and am getting pretty good at it too! There is no real culture here. I don’t drive at night. A medium-sized city is 30 minutes away. “I try to travel once a month, as my job is remote. Sometimes friends visit. He has a hard time ‘fitting in’ with people he hasn’t known his whole life, but he tries. “I am happy for the most part. I struggle with thinking about the long term. This is not the life I imagined for myself. I am stuck in yearning for the days of an intact family, the holidays, and, the other parent helping me parent. “I am a very angry woman at the deal that I got dealt. I have come a long way personally, but being in a relationship does trip some of my triggers. I don’t know how to be a ‘girlfriend.’ He has proposed to me three times, I just don’t see it, I can’t imagine what that would even look like. “I remember your eNewsletter about being married and living apart. That I could probably handle, but why get married? I know he would love the whole commitment thing, but we both know how easily that can disappear. “But, the original question was is it wrong to stay in a relationship where I can’t drum up feelings for him, or probably anybody? I care for him, I enjoy the times we have together and have learned how to adapt when I start to get triggered by the negative thoughts that invade from time to time. The first time we were together it was constant, this second time they were just whispers and not screams. Maybe that’s progress? Maybe my standards have lowered? “He expresses constant adorations, affirmations, and just pure joy about ‘us.’ He prays over us every night before he leaves my house and thanks God for me. He has taken my spiritual journey to a whole higher level and that is what I adore about him. “Here is what I don’t adore about him. He has no ‘class.’ I know that’s mean, but I could have dinner at the White House with a few hours’ notice. “He, not so much. The intellect and the culture are just not there, even if he exudes confidence, it’s at a much smaller level. “Is this what compromise is supposed to be? Is this enough? The idea of finding or being found by another man is not something I want to do. I honestly just don’t think I have the energy for it. The online dating thing was just pure entertainment for me, so silly. “Also, the idea of having to be physical is a ‘hard no’ for me. He obviously is not interested either. “In this little town where I live, residents think a great steak dinner is at LongHorn Steakhouse, and other than KFC, there aren’t many places to go. So, meeting someone here would be very challenging as well. The other thing I struggle with is my two boys seeing their mom dating. They like him; they see how good he is to me and appreciate that. “This email I wrote to you has been very therapeutic. I appreciate the opportunity to get this all out. Tom’s response to Trish. “You said you were surprised I invested so much time into responding to you. That’s true, I have never answered anyone to that extent before. But, I could feel your pain and frustration. Please be proud of yourself for what you’ve accomplished on your own. “It’s good that you live near your son and you two are close. I’m certain both of your boys (men now) appreciate all you’ve done for them. “My quick initial take on your question is. As long as you and your rough-neck friend discuss the situation beforehand, and he knows there is no marriage in the future, and you have laid all the cards on the table, and he understands the torture you’ve been through, let it be. “My psychotherapist friend Debbie will respond to you privately.” “As often happens, your story and your energy remind me of the words from the Bob Seger song, “In Your Time.” Search for it on Google and listen to the words. This song could become your mantra.” |
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