Tenting a house for termites

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

November 3, 2023

I considered skipping the newsletter this week. Why? So darn busy.

I won’t bore you with too many details but thought I’d fill you in instead of writing nothing. I’ll likely lose a few subscribers this week because I’m not writing directly about senior dating. 

Why so busy? First, I’m having my Dana Point California home tented for termites, a condition most California homeowners have to deal with about every 10 years or so. I’ve owned the home for 33 years and have never had it tented. 

However, lately, I’ve seen evidence of termites munching on my interior wood such as wings and sawdust on the floor. When tenting, all food, medicines, and supplements must be double bagged and taped, including food in pantries and refrigerators. It took me 12 hours to get that done. 

The home must be vacated for three days until the tent is removed (see picture below with the tent enclosing the house). A Champ named Debbie requested I send her a picture of the tented house. I did; she responded.

“Beautiful colors!!! Anyone coming to see you will know which house is yours without the address!” 

I responded, “And police helicopters will be able to pinpoint it.” 

Debbie, “That’s definitely a plus.” 

Palm Springs 

So, Monday morning, I drove 2 ½ hours to my Palm Springs vacation home. Upon arrival, I discovered that a leak from the main water line to the house had not been repaired.

I had been previously informed that it had been fixed. Hence, the water was turned off. Without water, no dishes can be washed, no toilets can be flushed, and no plants can be watered. Hence, I had to bird dog that situation, which took three hours, and then almost a half day on Tuesday.

Finally, the leak was repaired. There were other home-improvement projects in Palm Springs as well. Busy, busy, busy. Okay, enough about what kept me from enjoying the swimming pool.

Thank you 

Thanks to Champs and friends who sent condolences, thoughts, and prayers about the first anniversary (October 29) of the passing of my partner Greta Cohn. 

Don Wert, Greta’s son-in-law, emailed: “Sad week for all of us. Thinking of you. I am with my friend Doug on his boat heading from San Diego to Cabo San Lucas. We plan to get there on Sunday.” 

Hearing from Don was very special to me, which I won’t explain. Plus, I don’t think I’ve ever received a text from a small boat heading to Cabo.

I replied: “Thank you, Don. I’m in Palm Springs dealing with maintenance issues at my vacation home here. Back to Dana Point on Wednesday–after the termite tent is removed–to put the house back together. 

Pat emailed: “This note is to acknowledge your first year without Greta. A lot of firsts for those of us who have lost people we love. It does get easier but there will always be that part of us that still hurts.  

“I can say from experience that we can find joy and love again if we are open to it. And I believe you are. Somewhere a lovely woman is waiting to meet someone like you. She won’t replace Greta but will be someone that will help you heal and your heart will open and you’ll feel full once again. 

“Losing my daughter earlier this year has been one of the most difficult times of my life. But I have a wonderful support system and I went to therapy which was an enormous help and continue to do the things I love.  

“What would have been my daughter’s 54th birthday is coming up on Nov. 4 and I’m not sure how I will deal with it; It’s been an unknown path for me. But with Len by my side, I’ll get through it. We do have plans for that day that were made many months ago and we’re going to keep them. I think when we grieve, we must do what works best for us and everyone is different. 

“Take care and remember that you were loved by a wonderful, kind, and caring woman and she will always be in your heart. She would want you to be happy as you would her if the situation was reversed.” 

Note from Tom: Patricia and Len are the couple in Chapter 21 of my book, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” 

Champ Bruce Maag, Delphos, Ohio, the owner of Coins/Currency/and Collectibles (Northwest Ohio’s Largest Coin Shop), forwarded an email with a photo titled “Snow at Burt Lake last night).” Wow, early winter.

Thanks to Bruce for reminding us that winter is just around the corner. Perhaps, Bruce, your Buckeyes will be playing football against arch-rival Michigan in the snow. 

And lastly, a woman named Erika surprised me by ordering two books. Why the surprise? I don’t sell many of those two books because they were published in 1997 and 2003 respectively. 

Erika commented, “The books are a gift for my 59-year-old son who is looking for a ‘girlfriend’ and lives in the High Desert in Joshua Tree (California desert). I will be visiting him in late November.” 

Tom’s comment: “Oh wow, a whole new market for senior dating books. Now being sought after by the next generation, descendants of our Champs.”

Thanks, everybody, for tolerating me being a bit silly today. Bless you all
Tom’s House Tented

A Widower For One Year

Greta Cohn – My life partner for 25 years

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
October 27, 2023
A Widower For One Year  
By Columnist Tom Blake 

A Widower For One Year 

This week’s eNewsletter was inspired by an email from Champ Gloria. I have written twice about Gloria, who lives in Florida. The first time was 11 years ago about her meeting Peter in 2012. I nicknamed him The Italian Stallion. The second time I wrote about her was on April 28, 2023. The news was sad; Peter had passed away on January 12.  

Gloria and I have never met in person, but we’ve become email pen pals, sharing each other’s feelings of sadness, grief, and glimmers of hope during the first year after losing our mates. Gloria emailed, “Is October the anniversary month of your partner Greta’s passing?

“Things are the same here in Florida. I don’t want to be on a dating site now, maybe again next year but currently I am done with the 78-year-old men who are looking for women in their early 60s.

“I am okay; it’s been nine months since Peter died, and I still attend the grief support group and make friends there. We go out to lunch now and then, which pleases me.

“Occasionally, I go to happy hour with a girlfriend, but I notice more women than men at the bar. I network by asking friends if they know someone but no one does. It might change but for now, there is no one.

“I realize that it’s a lot more difficult to meet someone at age 70 than it was 13 years ago.

“I miss him but cry less often and feel grateful for what life offers me now. I still want a partner, so I will not give up hope.”

I replied to Gloria, “Yes, Greta passed away last year on October 29. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. In retrospect, it seems the year went by quickly, but I also recall the endless hours and days when time crawled, and my heart was heavy missing her.  Technically, I’m not a widower as we weren’t married. But being together for 25 years qualifies me as the equal to a widower.

“Gloria, you are at the nine-month mark after losing Peter. Grief support has helped you and helped me as well. For me, it’s mostly because of the friendships with five women and one man formed via the grief share gatherings and the activities the seven of us occasionally do together.

“We are not the only Champs who suffered a loss last year. Many others have shared similar feelings of sadness and grief with me. So, this is not just about you and me, it’s about all of us. 

“As I am emailing you, I am looking at five notes I scribbled by hand that are taped to my desktop computer (see photo below). They somewhat reflect the different stages I went through during the first few months after Greta’s passing.

They are: 1.STUG – an acronym for “Sudden Temporary Uptake of Grief” (unpredictable when they occur but felt often in the first few months, less now but still inevitable) 

2. Don’t Overthink It. (Reminding myself to stop thinking about why I lost Greta and what more I could have done to help her) 

3. Let It Be. (Reminding myself that when adversity arises now, I have no control over it so don’t sweat it) 

4. It Doesn’t Matter. (Felt after people insist that I should have waited a year before dating. At my age, I don’t have time to wait) 

5. Are You Ok? (My 3-word response to disarm people speaking negatively about how I’m proceeding with life). “So, Gloria, how will I spend October 29, the one-year anniversary of Greta’s passing? I will likely go to Salt Creek Beach and look out over the Pacific Ocean toward Catalina Island, where Greta’s ashes were scattered, and reflect on how blessed I was to have had her in my life for 25 years.

“And how blessed I am now to have friends and two sisters who care about me. “Or I might go Standup Paddle Boarding in Dana Point Harbor to enjoy the Pelicans and Sea Lions so prevalent there. Doing that gives me an appreciation of nature and beauty. “You take care, Gloria. As one of my singing idols, Bob Seger, croons, You’ll be fine in your time.”

“I will be fine also.” 
Tom’s somewhat messy desktop with five hand-scribbled notes taped to the computer.

A Senior Concern: The Cost of Living Alone

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
 October 20, 2023
A Senior Concern: The Cost of Living Alone
A Roommate Wanted By Senior Woman
By Columnist Tom Blake 

  (There are two parts to today’s eNewsletter) 

Part One – A senior concern. The Cost of Living Alone

You Champs (eNewsletter subscribers) amaze me. I’ve stated multiple times that your questions, comments, observations, and knowledge are what keep this weekly eNewsletter functioning. Today’s edition is no exception.

I received a question from a woman Champ that I have never received before in my 29 years (4,777 columns) of writing about life and love after age 50. Here’s what she said: “I am about to move into a newly built, two-bedroom home to get a fresh start on my life after dealing with the memories of my deceased husband for the last 16 months in the home he and I shared. Would you ask Champs if anyone has relocated and thought about getting a roommate? 

“I am thinking about getting a roommate because I think it would be healthier to come home to a non-empty house and the financial contribution of a roommate would make it easier to maintain the comfortable lifestyle I have created for myself. Plus, I might be able to help another person who may also feel the loneliness of living alone or has been unable to find a great place to live that is affordable. 

“But what happens if that roommate has no family at all or no next of kin nearby and becomes seriously ill, or heaven forbid, passes away? What would I do? I am not able to be a caregiver since I commute to work Monday through Friday, nor would I want to be put in that position and I don’t want to be a caregiver. 

“Have any Champs been faced with a similar situation? What advice can they give me? I would like to supplement my income. 

I asked this Champ for details about her home. She said, “It’s brand new and located in an age 55-plus community, Rancho Mission Viejo, in South Orange County, California. The whole community is only about 10 years old, and my home has just this week been finished for move-in next week.

“It’s beautiful with incredible amenities such as many clubhouses throughout, multiple pools, social events, and over 23,000 acres of protected open space with bike trails and hiking trails. It is about three miles from San Juan Capistrano, which means it’s still close to the ocean beaches of San Clemente and Dana Point. 

“My home is single story with two private bedrooms on opposite ends of the house, each with its own bathroom. No one lives above me.

“I am looking for a man or woman who is quiet, thoughtful, not a night owl. No pets. The home is cozy, about 1200 square feet. There is a two-car garage. It would be ideal for someone who wants to relocate to a warm, sunny place, from out of state or from other parts of California, or Orange County. The person must be 55+. 

“Initially, the lease could be month-to-month, to see how we mesh living under the same roof. “I hope some Champs will share their opinions. If anyone would like to contact me, please email Tom at tompblake@gmail.com and let him know. He has graciously agreed to forward your comments to me.” 

Part 2 – Miscellaneous comments from Champs this week re: senior online dating and senior sex.

Barb, “I read your column faithfully. I tried online dating but after several disappointing dates, I threw in the towel. Maybe it was too soon after my husband’s passing…or maybe it was just me. I liked the list of characteristics you look for in a person.” 

Tom’s response to Barb. “Senior online dating is a blessing and a curse. At least, it exposes singles to potential mates they otherwise wouldn’t have met. Because of that, it can provide hope. But it’s also filled with potholes, scammers, and other drawbacks. 

“In my opinion, I don’t think your negative experience was caused by trying to date too soon after your husband’s passing. It’s just the right person for you didn’t come along. Take a deep breath, come up for air, don’t give up hope, and try again, at least by getting off the couch and out of the house and meeting new people.

“Also spread the word by networking with friends.” 

Melanie emailed: “Have any of these Champs heard of friendship? My neighbor is an older retired widower and knows I’m not interested in him physically. We’ve talked about it. He said he’s bored, and helping to fix things around my house gives him something to do. I always pay him or offer when he fixes things around the house. 

“I also visit my 91-year-old neighbor. We are friends. Look up the ‘friend’ word. Doesn’t involve sex. 

“I have a good guy friend. Our friendship doesn’t involve sex either. We tried dating once. Too much alike. But we are great friends. I’m sorry for people that don’t have friends. Or only see them as sex objects to meet their needs.” 

Tom’s response to Melanie, “Everyone is entitled to their own feelings regarding senior intimacy and sex. However, my guess, based on correspondence I’ve received from women over the years, is that more than 65 % of women over age 65 would still enjoy intimacy and willingly admit it. That’s just my opinion. However, I’ve never conducted a poll on that topic.
A senior concern – the cost of living alone

Trisha needs a therapist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

October 13, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake 

Conflicted over senior dating. Responses to Trish’s situation. She’s a disgruntled woman.

In last week’s eNewsletter, we wrote about Trish, 62, who divorced 10 years ago. By her own admission, she is “an angry woman” and questions whether she can ever love again.

And yet, almost daily, she sees a man who adores her, a Southern “roughneck” and a “redneck” as she described him, who helps her for free with maintenance projects around her house. There is no physical aspect to their relationship. She said she worries about hurting him.

Several Champs responded, sharing their opinions. Here’s what 12 women and four men (a 3-to-1 ratio) emailed.

What Women Said

The first response came from Champ Delores, who emailed, “I cannot imagine why a 62-year-old woman, or a 69-year-old man, would accept a no-physical-contact relationship. She truly does have deep-seated issues and if I were that ‘redneck’ man, I would run as fast as I could, since eventually, her obvious disdain of him will wear him down emotionally and mentally.

“Why do that to someone? Let the guy go! And to be angry at what one was ‘dealt’ to you 10 years ago? Take responsibility and move through it! I do not think feeling/acting the victim is a great way to show up for your grown children.”

Margaret, “No physical stuff. She must be kidding.”

Kaitte, “I’m 71, single for 23 years, living at a poverty level, but doing ok. I can’t imagine living with anyone full-time. I don’t want to be responsible to anyone. 

“Trish, talk to him and be honest by laying all your cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may. If he wants to set you up financially, he can do so without marriage. If you can’t imagine life without him, go for it.”

Deanne, “Here I sit, widowhood wiped out my confidence and I just can’t get out there and flirt. I know I’d be a good catch, but it seems like I’m starting all over as that anxious teenager.

“I was with my husband for 33 years and never realized how time flew. I’ve got to get back on the horse. I think I might need a wingman and all my friends are married and live out of state. I truly appreciate your wisdom and you are now a member of our loss club. I wish I had signed up for the Golden Bachelor.”

Terri, “Trish needs to see a therapist. A letter to a columnist may list the issues, but it doesn’t deal with the issues in the healthy way that sessions with a good therapist can. I hope she sees someone, it can make a world of difference in the quality of life, and in how we face the challenges of health, aging, and love.

“How do I know? Life has not always been kind, people have not always been kind, and I’ve survived lots of losses, survived serious health issues, and dealt with my life issues in therapy over the past several years.

“Get going, Trish! Nothing is promised in life, but life can be very good!”

Susie, “Trish’s story is similar to mine, and it hit home. I could not express my feelings as she did in her message to Tom. I am much older than her, but hope I can feel the magic again.”

Virgina, “Trish needs psychological assistance to get herself straightened out. So many mismatched red flags: her lifestyle that she has never adjusted to but is physically and unfortunately now committed to. She does not embrace her current physical surroundings because of past roots and her social upbringing lifestyle, which seems to be on the opposite end of the social spectrum than his. This is a big red flag, even if they were both in love, which they are not.

“The future for happiness does not bode well. It’s not fair to keep him around just for the surface conveniences. He may be a redneck, but he should not be taken advantage of just because he’s found someone he considers would normally be ‘out of his reach.’

“Trish can find a good handy man, and rent a cruise boat if she wants, but give this man a chance to find happiness emotionally, let him go for his own sake before it’s too late in life for him to do so.

“You were right, Tom, to direct Trish to seek the help she obviously needs with a professional counselor. Life is too short and unpredictable to spend years unwinding so many unsolved issues at our age.” 

M (woman Champ), “Regarding the Bob Seger In Your Time lyrics, mine is that life Seger sings about, and my life isn’t easy, but I’ll get through it. I’m doing all I can to cope but now I’m in the throes of the storm. And I know that in the long run, my life will be better than it is now. I’m working very hard to meet the challenges.”

Rhen, “I’m guardedly happy for her but God ‘Gave’ her to him? She seems as she has discovered herself and is set to respond and initiate life beautifully. But she is too self-focused to realize she should let this guy go! Then you have a man who views their time together so deeply differently that it seems heartbreaking to continue such an endeavor.

“Her words jerked me back and forth as she went on. Show this poor man some mercy and let him go find a lady who will embrace his giving spirit and talents. I’d also bet he has some needs that are being unmet because he’s thinking his God has him serving her.”

S, “If you don’t love-’em, you’re using-’em, period. She needs to work on whatever demons haunt her. It’s interesting that she works in mental health.”

Regina, “Reading about Trish’s situation, I thought of the saying, “One woman’s trash is another’s treasure,” because she just isn’t feeling it for the dude. I want that guy! She should let him loose and give me his number!”

Laurie Jo, “What the HELL is wrong with this woman? Good grief! I’m so upset at her! I can’t even keep typing. Maybe more tomorrow when I’m more cogent and less mad.”

What male Champs said

Larry, “I feel this lady has not been direct and honest about the extent of her negative feelings. If she has him read your column and he still sticks around, he is a masochist! She is stringing him along because she has no other current options.”

Art, “I look forward to your weekly column and always find it interesting. I especially enjoyed this week’s edition since I have dated many women after I was widowed in 2007. After a few months of mourning, I joined Meetup.com, and POF (Plenty Of Fish).

“I have since dated at least 35 women, some once-and-done” lunches, where I always picked up the tab, and a few became long-lasting friendships and relationships.

“I have had numerous other relationships over the years, and another one was over before it fully blossomed.

“I am now dating a woman who used to live in my development and has now moved to a very large condo development of over 8,000 residents, which is 15 minutes from my home. We have known each other for more than 10 years. She is 78; I am 85.

“We go to the gym together three times a week, and to dinner each night after the gym. She occasionally makes dinner for me, and both of us love musical theater. We have seen at least a dozen shows, and currently have tickets to four shows in the coming months.

“We are best friends and I do not want to lose her by seeing someone else on the side. At my age, I am OK with being in the friend zone.

“Before my wife died, she and I were talking in our den. She said, “Art, I know I am going to die, and I want you to go out and have a life after I’m gone”. I tried to tell her that I thought she could remain alive for a long time, but since she had early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, I knew she was right.

“I think every one of us has to live the life we feel is best for us, but not close our minds to change.”

Jim, “Trish wants validation but not romance. I think she is wasting her time with this guy she calls a hick when she might meet the right guy for her if she can open up and not be so closed-minded. She doesn’t have it for the guy. She will never have it for this guy. But I did like how you handled it. Maybe this is good for her since she may be opening up in her own way slowly.”

David, “Trish simply does not trust a man, men if you will. Trish’s memories have now become an invisible wall, an invisible barrier, handicapping her from being able to savor life.”

A Troubled Senior Woman

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
 October 6, 2023
A Troubled Senior Woman Seeks Answers 
She is conflicted over senior dating
By Columnist Tom Blake 
In last week’s eNewsletter, I asked Champs to email me their stories, questions, and observations. One woman, Trish, wanted to share her story. Her story was so captivating, it’s today’s article. It’s three of her emails spliced together. It’s lengthy and complex.

As I read what Trish wrote, I realized her story was far beyond my reach as a relationship columnist. She has deep-seated issues that need attention. I asked Trish for her permission to share her information confidentially with a therapist friend of mine. Trish agreed. You will see in Trish’s email below why I felt this way.

Trish wrote, “I’ve been reading your newsletter for years. I’ve been divorced for 10 years and was in a serious relationship that ended four years ago.  

“I am now seeing a man who has pursued me for three years. We dated for almost a year, and I ended it, but he’s back after patiently waiting for me. We ran into each other a few months ago and have seen each other every day since; he adores me. 

Tom’s comment: (I added the italics and boldface to the two sentences below for clarity and emphasis.) “My concern is that I’m not capable of that kind of feeling. I’m happy to be with him for the most part, I just can’t envision a whole life with him as he does. We are both fit and healthy.  

“He has an incredible and beautiful faith in God and has put my own spiritual journey on a path that is so different and amazing. 

“He’s felt from day one when we met that God put me on his path to love and care for me. He waited patiently before asking me out on his boat for an afternoon. Then again, and again.  

“His faith allows him to overlook the differences in our feelings towards each other because he feels very strongly that God ‘gave’ me to him for him to care for me.  

“Is it wrong to continue in a relationship where there is an imbalance of feelings? I’m afraid of hurting him, I’m 62, he’s 69. He is extremely generous with money and talent. He works on my home, my real true love (lol). I don’t have much to give in return. He is just happy to be with me. There is no physical contact, it isn’t an issue for either of us, so it’s more like best buddies.  

“I’m a ‘rough-around-the-edges’ New Yorker. He’s a small-town Southern roughneck. He’s fun, quirky, and a bit of a character. We know the same people and most of them love it that we are back together. He sees marriage, I have no vision.  

“I don’t think I can love again, but I most certainly care for him. I have zero interest in a physical relationship, I don’t have so much of myself to give. He has never made a move. We have a great time together; I just don’t really bring much to the table. 

“I own my home and have been told I’m ‘sexy.’ I hate that and look 10 years younger. I have a great job that I love (in mental health). He lives on a houseboat, has a pontoon boat, and drives nice vehicles. He’s not unattractive; he’s been on his own for 13 years. 

“We hadn’t seen each other for a year, he walked into a local pub where I was playing pool and it was amazing to see him and reacquaint. We have seen each other just about every day since.  

“I was hurt 10 years ago to a level for which I can’t find words. I’ve risen above it financially and spiritually and found my peace with me alone, not lonely.  

“I live in the South and find myself in another world, Tony world, that I mostly embrace. He’s a true ‘redneck’ with a Southern Drawl. I’m 62, he’s 69. 

“He’s proposed a few times, more of a business transaction, as he thinks he will live past 100, but wants to make sure I am taken care of. I have no desire to find another man, I’ve got tons of opportunities, including ex-boyfriends from as far back as high school. Pisses me off that I wasn’t good enough then but now I am? Disgusting.  

“As far as settling? I have a life, two amazing sons, that I raised on my own since they were 13 and 14. They have both launched successfully. I love my home albeit it needs some attention. He is always doing something around here for me.  

“I have a career, a few bucks in the bank, not much, but I pay my bills. A small circle of friends, I’ll never trust or really fit in here. The people are basically all kind. I took up pool, lol, and am getting pretty good at it too! There is no real culture here. I don’t drive at night. A medium-sized city is 30 minutes away.  

“I try to travel once a month, as my job is remote. Sometimes friends visit. He has a hard time ‘fitting in’ with people he hasn’t known his whole life, but he tries.  

“I am happy for the most part. I struggle with thinking about the long term. This is not the life I imagined for myself. I am stuck in yearning for the days of an intact family, the holidays, and, the other parent helping me parent.  

“I am a very angry woman at the deal that I got dealt. I have come a long way personally, but being in a relationship does trip some of my triggers. I don’t know how to be a ‘girlfriend.’ He has proposed to me three times, I just don’t see it, I can’t imagine what that would even look like.   

“I remember your eNewsletter about being married and living apart. That I could probably handle, but why get married? I know he would love the whole commitment thing, but we both know how easily that can disappear. 

“But, the original question was is it wrong to stay in a relationship where I can’t drum up feelings for him, or probably anybody? I care for him, I enjoy the times we have together and have learned how to adapt when I start to get triggered by the negative thoughts that invade from time to time. The first time we were together it was constant, this second time they were just whispers and not screams. Maybe that’s progress? Maybe my standards have lowered?   

“He expresses constant adorations, affirmations, and just pure joy about ‘us.’ He prays over us every night before he leaves my house and thanks God for me. He has taken my spiritual journey to a whole higher level and that is what I adore about him.  

“Here is what I don’t adore about him. He has no ‘class.’ I know that’s mean, but I could have dinner at the White House with a few hours’ notice.

“He, not so much. The intellect and the culture are just not there, even if he exudes confidence, it’s at a much smaller level.  

“Is this what compromise is supposed to be? Is this enough? The idea of finding or being found by another man is not something I want to do. I honestly just don’t think I have the energy for it. The online dating thing was just pure entertainment for me, so silly.

 “Also, the idea of having to be physical is a ‘hard no’ for me. He obviously is not interested either. 

“In this little town where I live, residents think a great steak dinner is at LongHorn Steakhouse, and other than KFC, there aren’t many places to go. So, meeting someone here would be very challenging as well. The other thing I struggle with is my two boys seeing their mom dating. They like him; they see how good he is to me and appreciate that.   

“This email I wrote to you has been very therapeutic. I appreciate the opportunity to get this all out.  

Tom’s response to Trish. “You said you were surprised I invested so much time into responding to you. That’s true, I have never answered anyone to that extent before. But, I could feel your pain and frustration. Please be proud of yourself for what you’ve accomplished on your own.  

“It’s good that you live near your son and you two are close. I’m certain both of your boys (men now) appreciate all you’ve done for them. 

“My quick initial take on your question is. As long as you and your rough-neck friend discuss the situation beforehand, and he knows there is no marriage in the future, and you have laid all the cards on the table, and he understands the torture you’ve been through, let it be.  

“My psychotherapist friend Debbie will respond to you privately.” 

“As often happens, your story and your energy remind me of the words from the Bob Seger song, “In Your Time.” Search for it on Google and listen to the words. This song could become your mantra.”

The Man In Black

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
 September 22, 2023
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Jim, Debbie, Shawn (aka Johnny Cash), and Tom
There are two parts to this week’s eNewsletter
Part 1 – The Man in Black at the Coach House in San Juan Capistrano, Ca

In 1980, I saw Johnny Cash perform live at the Coach House, which at that time was a new musical venue in San Juan Capistrano, California. His touring bus was parked alongside the building. I got to spend some time with him and June Carter on the bus that night before the show. Why? Because I knew Johnny and June well.

I worked with them from 1975-1977 when I was the marketing director for the Victoria Station restaurant chain. I hired Johnny to sing our radio commercials and to be our company spokesperson because of his love for trains. Our restaurants were built out of box cars and cabooses. (see link to website below).

My friend, Jim Fallon, 74, is a widower of one year after 47 years of marriage. We met at a grief share meeting and became buddies, sharing our grief and dating experiences.

Jim was aware of my friendship with Johnny Cash and asked if I’d like to see a tribute band called The Man In Black in concert at the Coach House a week ago Thursday night. I said yes. Jim, my friend Debbie Sirkin, and I enjoyed the show and much more. Let me explain the “much more” comment.

I wanted to meet Shawn Barker, who is Johnny Cash in The Man In Black Tribute Band, and spend time with him before the concert. I checked the Villam Rocks.com website, which manages Shawn, and reached out to their promotion manager, Joey Waterman. I explained who I was and told Joey about my association with Johnny. He very enthusiastically arranged for the pre-concert meeting with Shawn.

Not only did Debbie, Jim, and I get to meet privately with Shawn, but we also got to meet his four band members. The keyboard player, Thomas, is from Copenhagen, Denmark. The bassist player, Shayne, is from Albany, New York. Charlie the drummer is from Nashville, and the bass player Dean is from Australia. What a cool bunch of guys.

In 2006, I wrote and published a book titled, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened To Victoria Station?” (see picture of book cover below). Three chapters in the book are devoted to my association and friendship with the Cash family.

I thought the five band members would enjoy learning what incredible people Johnny and June Carter Cash were from my perspective. Hence, I autographed and presented a book to Shawn and each of the four band members. They were happy with the gift.

(If you’d like an autographed copy of the book, email me and I will sign one and ship it for $16.98, which includes the book, shipping, taxes, handling, and standing in line at the post office to ship it (within the USA). If you purchase the book on Amazon.com, it would cost you $40.00+ and it won’t be autographed.)

The Coach House is located about 100 yards from the historical Mission San Juan Capistrano. Gary Folgner, the Coach House founder and still owner, opened the venue in 1980.

On last week’s visit there, I said hello to another old friend, Johnny the bartender, who has worked at the Coach House for 38 years.

The Tribute band led by Shawn was awesome. They played Orange Blossom Special, A Boy Named Sue, One Piece at a Time, Hey Porter, Get Rhythm, Folsom Prison Blues, Cry Cry Cry, Big River, Ghost Riders in The Sky, and, of course, the two biggies that Johnny Cash is known for, Ring of Fire, and I Walk The Line.

I was honored when Shawn introduced me to the audience as probably the only person there who had known Johnny. That was an honor. Several people from the audience introduced themselves after the show.

Also, the band’s version of Will The Circle Be Unbroken had people on their feet like they were at a revival meeting.

I had goosebumps most of the night. Johnny had taken me into San Quentin Prison for a concert in 1977 so when Shawn sang Folsom Prison Blues, I could really relate to the atmosphere inside the walls of Folsom.

Jim said, “The energy, talent, and personality of Shawn, aka The Man in Black, was breathtaking. He had the audience involved during the entire show. If you ever get a chance to see this The Man in Black Tribute band, do it.

“And keep an eye on upcoming performances at the Coach House. You’ll love the vibe there. Our food server Hollie is the best—so busy, so friendly, and smart. We in Orange County are truly blessed to have such a wonderful music venue in San Juan Capistrano. And, it’s usually packed with people aged 50 to 75. ”

Debbie said, “I felt like Johnny Cash was in the room, both in voice and charisma. The entire audience appeared to be as mesmerized as we were. I was so proud to have been with Tom, the only person in the room who actually knew Johnny.”

I know that my friends Johnny and June Cash were smiling from above that night, and I gave them a thumbs up from the Coach House, the venue where I had been with them in person, almost 45 years before.

After the show, near the exit door of the Coach House, Jim, Debbie, and I said goodbye to Shawn and complimented him on a memorable performance. Each of us felt a warm glow as we drove to our homes.

If you would like to hear Johnny Cash sing the Victoria Station 30-second radio commercials he recorded, go to the website www.vicsta.com. On the home page, near the top, you will see a white square with >> an arrow pointing to the right. click on it and you will hear Johnny sing 3 commercials.

Part 2 – Tom on a podcast
I was interviewed by Bela Gandhi, the founder of The Smart Dating Academy, on a podcast last week, which aired this past Monday. This is an audio and video podcast, so I’m seen for about an hour (wish I had smiled more and I hope I don’t put you to sleep). The link to the podcast is below.
 https://youtube/TVQKfjQUxWs 
Debbie, Shawn (aka Johnny Cash) and TomTom, Johnny Cash, and Tom’s sister, Pam, circa 1990, at Humphrey’s Concerts By The Bay, an outdoor concert venue, in San Diego
The book Tom autographed to The Man In Black tribute band members
Jim, Debbie, Shawn (aka Johnny Cash), and Tom

From The Senior Dating Mailbag

Tom Blake Columnist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

September 15, 2023

From the Senior Dating Mailbag

Today, I feel a bit like Bob Dylan, with words from his song, “Like A Rolling Stone,” one of the most classic songs of all time. Namely, the words, “How does it feel, to be on your own, with not direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone.” (see link below).

In other words, today’s newsletter isn’t just focused on one topic or one direction—no dogs and senior dating, no animals in senior dating, no ghosting stories, no double-whammy events—just some items that arrived in the mailbag, as famous San Francisco Chronicle columnist, Herb Caen, used to call some of his columns. Simply, “From The Mailbag.” So here we go.

Maggie, “I don’t date anymore because I’m convinced there’s a wave of divorces about to hit the market and I can get a pre-trained one for a real bargain.”

Rhonda emailed, “I am a widow. My husband of 38 years died in December 2007 of lung cancer. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I have three children, a daughter aged 50, and two sons, ages 47 and 43. They are decent and hard-working people and lead full and busy lives.

“Am I looking for a mate? Yes, but not very hard. My attitude has been that if the right person falls in my lap, I would probably be pleased. At least my attitude is almost that bad. Yes, I know you’ve warned about that attitude in your column several times and you are probably right. I just don’t like the idea of meeting someone online.”

Tom’s comment to Rhonda: What I’ve said is people rarely have the right person fall into their lap. I encourage senior singles to get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in activities they enjoy. Senior social interaction is important for seniors, especially their health.

And when out and about, singles should be assertive and willing to say hello to strangers who appeal to them. Notice, I did not say aggressive.

I feel one of the best ways to meet someone is still the old-fashioned way, senior dating networking through friends, family, co-workers, and nearly anyone you meet. A woman can say to a man she sees, “I’m single. Do you have any single male friends who are about my age?” And men can say the same, “Do you have any single women friends…” Who knows? The person may respond by saying, “I’m single. Would you like to have coffee?”

And Rhonda, online dating is a personal choice. I’ve done it for about six months now on Match.com, and because Champ Bruce in Ohio suggested I try a site called Zoosk, I’ve been on there as well. I’ve met many nice women who I would not have met otherwise. Who knows? Will someone be the one from one of those sites? Perhaps. I think there is a strong chance of that happening. While there are many issues and considerations and cautions with online dating, it did give me hope as I emerged from the fog of loss.

And as many single Champs know, a bit of hope in a lonely single existence can lift one’s spirits.

I admit that I have taken a hiatus from those sites. Why? I just need to catch my breath. I’m fortunate to have male friends I spend time with and can talk to openly as some of them are in similar situations as I.

And while mentioning online dating, I was interviewed on a podcast this week with the founder, Bela, of the Smart Dating Academy, an online dating advisory service. We were discussing how to reduce disappointing first dates due to misleading photos or personality differences. She suggests people do two or three video chats with a potential date before meeting in person. She suggested Google Meet, a free app that people can use. I think that’s a great idea.

Of course, both people must agree to the pre-first date video. If a person is unwilling to do that, that would be a red flag.

She said people can discover if they have a connection and attraction for each other via the videos. If they do not, they save time and possible embarrassment without even leaving their homes. I will let you know when my recorded podcast interview will air in the future.

Champ John emailed, “Relationship coach Christine Baumgartner’s advice in a recent eNewsletter that treating your human partner as well as you treat your pets is some of the best reader advice I’ve seen in your eNewsletters. I’m going to have to keep that in mine.

Tom’s comment: Christine has been a Champ for years. She and Barry Selby have a weekly podcast about dating and relationship issues. Here’s a link to one of the recent informational emails she sent me.

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ik=c55b9a8fc7&view=pt&search=all&permthid=thread-f:1776778312015180910&simpl=msg-f:1776778312015180910

Phubbing

Another thing that has popped up recently in senior dating and marriages is a phenomenon called “phubbing.” What the heck is that you might ask? It’s when people prefer the company of their smartphones more than the company of their partners. It’s causing increased conflicts among couples. And research has discovered that phubbing negatively impacts intimacy.

One study revealed that almost 17 percent of women will interrupt intimacy to check their phone. Holy cow, that’s astounding. Can you imagine, during intimacy, the partner says, “Excuse me honey, I need to order a pizza.” Or “I forgot to call my friend Jane back so this will only take a minute.”

And now, social media even makes phubbing worse. Often people check their social media outlets multiple times each day.  Studies fear phubbing will increase the divorce rate.

Cell phones are bad enough. We see improper cell phone usage all too often. We’ve all experienced when the traffic light turns green and the car in front of us doesn’t move because the person is texting or using their phone.

And, how about the people walking down a sidewalk who virtually run into you because they are only paying attention to their cell phones. I am tempted to say (and do under my breath often), “Get off your….ing cell phone.”

Also, what amazes me is when people walk across a street reading their cell phones and are oblivious to traffic that could hit them.

Don’t let phubbing ruin a first date. Turn off your phone and look at it later.

That’s it for this week. I need to check my phone messages. And I’m not even on a date.

Link to, Like A Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwOfCgkyEj0

I Don’t Want To Hurt You But…

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter

September 8, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake  

I don’t want to hurt you but…

The double-whammy of senior dating

An email from a woman Champ this week inspired today’s topic. She’s 70, and her partner of 11 years passed away months ago, which devastated her. She’s trying to dip her toes into the senior dating waters. One thing she’s done is to go online.

She wrote, “For weeks and weeks, a man who lived an hour away and I texted and had long and fun conversations. Finally, we met in person. It felt like we knew each other. There he was, a nice tall man waiting for me at the table; we sat there for three and a half hours, laughing talking, and sharing.

Tom’s comment: Weeks and weeks were too long to wait. When single seniors have an interest in each other, they should try to meet in person as soon as possible. In that way, if there is no connection, little time has been wasted. People sometimes fall in love with an image, someone they have never seen face-to-face, and that usually doesn’t go well. You must see someone in person to judge the chemistry.

She continued talking about the first date, “He wanted to see me again and kissed me several times before I got in my car. Once home, I got a text saying what a great time he had, and couldn’t wait to see me again. Then nothing, no text, no email, no phone call, ever again. I checked the obituaries to ensure he hadn’t passed away.”

She had been ghosted by him. She was still hurting from losing her mate and meeting him had provided a little hope, which had built up over the weeks. She was vulnerable and his disappearance hurt. Not a huge hurt as it was only one date, but that rejection added to the big hurt.

She had suffered what I call “the double-whammy of senior dating,” which is when you are still grieving a big loss and then you incur another loss on top of the big loss.  

Another Champ, a widower, shared his story. He said, “Seven months after my wife passed, I was trying to combat senior loneliness, so I tried online dating and met several women. No one clicked. Either they weren’t attracted to me, or I wasn’t attracted to them, or they lived too far away. Plus, ages were misrepresented (claiming they were younger than they were) and photos were deceptive and not properly dated.

Then, one Saturday night, a nice woman online reached out to me. We had an instant strong mutual attraction. She lived within five miles of me.

“She still worked and had children somewhat nearby, so her availability was limited, but we made the most of our time together. I was slowly growing fond of her, and she also of me, but to a lesser degree, which she reminded me of at times.

“We had amazing chemistry. I cared a lot. Sometimes we’d take a break from each other, but we always reunited a short time later. We didn’t have an exclusive agreement but neither one was dating anyone seriously. At least that was my impression and I assumed neither one of us was sleeping with anyone else–at least I wasn’t.   

“She started finding fault in me and told me she didn’t want to be tied down to one person. Something had changed in her feelings toward me. She reminded me that we were both free to date others, which was a small dart in the heart, but we continued to see each other a couple of times a week.

“Then, recently she said, “I don’t want to hurt you but…” She was going away for a few days. And it was not to be with her kids and grandkids. She went to the same far-away city twice with no explanation to me. I surmised that perhaps she was sleeping with another man she had met online, although that was never verified. After she returned the second time, I questioned her and she said she didn’t.

“On top of the passing of my wife, I had lost her as well. That really hurt. Two losses in less than a year.

“Her version of what happened in the relationship would definitely be different. There are always two sides to a story. But I think I’m a pretty good dude so I must roll with the flow and try to find someone whose life I can enhance and who loves me as well.

Tom’s comment: This man’s story is another example of the double-whammy of senior dating. Losing someone you care about while still missing your spouse or life partner. As the two stories above reveal, it can happen to both men and women.

My advice to the woman who got ghosted is to pick yourself up and keep trying. Don’t give up.

My advice to the man is to continue putting yourself out there. You know you will meet other nice women. But, keep in touch with her because you and she have such a strong connection, that she may rethink her position. She might come to her senses and realize she might lose you and maybe you will be back together trying to work it out.

The man’s story reminds me of the Neil Diamond song “Solitary Man.” See the link below. There are actually two links included in today’s eNewsletter.

True, there can be other losses that are difficult to deal with while grieving the big loss of an ex-spouse or partner. The loss of a dog or other loved animal can be a subset of the double-whammy of senior dating. How much pain can people tolerate?

There may be some Champs who feel that both of the above people decided to date too soon after the loss of a loved one. That’s not the issue here. Everybody heals differently. And as Elvis once said, “Don’t judge me if you haven’t walked in my shoes.”

The Bottom Line

When meeting a new potential mate, through an introduction by a friend, or while walking your dog, or, even online, proceed with caution and don’t wear blinders. Realize that you are still going to miss your previous mate, so, you’re already vulnerable.

But let’s say something clicks with a new person and you slowly find yourself caring for him or her. You wonder, “Can this really be happening to me?” Be sure there is honesty and trust established.

Chemistry might lead to intimacy. Enjoy and relish that. But watch out and listen for red flags. If the person constantly refers to an ex-lover, or starts finding fault with you, take that as a warning sign. You don’t want to get unexpectedly bopped by the double-whammy of senior dating.

Links to two appropriate songs

While writing today’s eNewsletter, I thought about two songs. Both are linked below.

Neil Diamond’s “Solitary Man.” I love the trumpet player and the other guys on the horns.

Here’s the link. By the way, this recording of the song was recorded at Hot August Night III at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. Greta and I were there.


Link to Neil Diamond

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?&q=solitary+man+by+neil+diamond&&mid=F20E9AED677C369D1046F20E9AED677C369D1046&&FORM=VRDGAR
Neil Diamond “Solitary Man”

And I also thought about the song by Rod Stewart and Amy Belle, “I Don’t Want To Talk About It,” (how you broke my heart). It’s a classic whammy love song. The link is below.

The song is accompanied by the Royal Philharmonic orchestra. Watch particularly for Ms. Bell’s captivating smile and the incredible woman Saxophone player! And finally, how the audience nearly takes over the song near the end. Rod and Amy love that as well.

Link to Rod Stewart and Amy Belle

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=rod+stewart+and+amy+belle&mid=5D232BAAC961D04CE3FA5D232BAAC961D04CE3FA
Rod Stewart and Amy Belle

Animals and Senior Dating

More comments about animals and senior love

On Love And Love After 50 eNewsletter

by Columnist Tom Blake

September 1, 2023

LJJ, a woman Champ said, “I don’t like dogs. They are sycophants (try to please people) and I’m glad others like them, but they are not for me. I’m ok with cats, if the cats stay off countertops, but you know they go there when we aren’t watching. 

“I have a horse. He’s kind. He loves anybody. He’s non-reactive. He listens to me when I ride and he tries very hard to do what I ask him. 

“I also have a parakeet. Who also loves anybody. He, however, likes to flap his wings and stuff goes all over. So he’s not allowed on counters here.

“I guess as we age, we get more set in our ways. And this factor could influence dating in our age group. 

“If a pet is well-behaved, clean, groomed, and pleasant, I’m fine with that. 

But I have dated men in the past that have dogs that get the run of the house, butt scooting, licking, etc. Ugh. 

“But that’s how I feel. Not judging if someone else thinks that’s ok. It’s just that I personally don’t want to deal with that.”

Rick, “After my divorce, my ex-wife took two of my greatest loves away from me. Not only did she get custody of my two young kids (for a while), but my two dogs that I considered my other two kids!

“Thank God, she left me with a young pig we had given our boys as a gift, and this animal was so full of love, affection, and appreciation for his dad (me) that I couldn’t believe it. 

“I had BRILLIANT dogs. My domestic pig, Rocky, was so amazing that he became my awesome friend. He was housebroken within 3 days, and when he was hungry, he would bring me his dish and sit up, asking for dinner. I never taught him that. 

“He slept next to me and when the alarm would go off in the morning, he would kiss my face to make sure I awakened.

“He brought me my slippers, newspaper, and laid by my side as long as I was home. His intelligence level was so superior to my dogs that it was hard to believe, but I saw it and loved him for 8 years. When he died, I felt I had lost the rest of my world.”

Christine Baumgartner, a Champ and relationship coach, said, “I’ve heard this challenge from both men and women about their potential dates as well as their partners. They complain they don’t get as much love and attention from humans as they get from their pets. One of the questions I ask them is, ‘Do you give your human companions the same amount of love and affection you give to your pets?’ If they’re honest they admit the answer is often no.’

“So, I suggest for a month to concentrate on giving the same amount (or even more) attention to their partner and see what happens. It’s been fun to see how many human relationships can be turned into happier ones with this change.

“It’s, of course, important to confirm the type of attention your partner enjoys and makes them feel cared about and loved and do exactly that (even if it’s not the way you feel cared about). It’s often more than a pat on the head or a belly rub like your pet. 

“And I’ve found when one person makes this effort the other person starts giving more back.”

FF said, “I find more men have dogs today and bring them everywhere. I don’t like that. I used to have dogs and a cat for 17 years. Loved my cat. Now, I’m a ‘pet-free’ dating woman. It ties you down….

Thyrza emailed, “My guy friend, has ambivalent feelings about dogs. But I am not dating a dog.”

Kim, “When I meet a woman who loves dogs more than people, I think she is governing a fiefdom! In fact, I go as far as to think she is a controller. A major red flag for me. thanks for putting that out there and someone said if you want to know who you resemble, look at the crowd around you! Peace.”

John, “I have a dog and so far he’s been a plus in dating. Then again, I am an animal lover, so I tend to gravitate towards women who have pets.”

Rick, “I agree with the positive role pets can play, as one tries to rebuild their lives after they are left without a man or woman. This is how my animals saved me.

“When my wife of 18 years decided to get a boyfriend, and she managed to get an unfair amount of custody of my two young sons, it broke my heart. I got to see my sons only once every two weeks.

“My two Shelties and my amazingly brilliant domestic pig, Rocky, were there for me every day, and all three were awesome at being my best friends for several years and were probably responsible for me not losing my mental sanity.

“It’s not just women who, while suffering from a devastating breakup, have awesome support, love and great companionship from their ‘four-footed children.’ My pets showed me their love every day and saved my life at its lowest moments.

“Both sexes can be extremely attached to their pet ‘children.’”

Angie said, “Now I have a female dog named Jack (picture of Jack and Angie above) that my was-band (former husband) and I got together, and we let her sleep in the bed. Long story short I think I’m going to be single until the dog passes away. 

Currently, “I live in Steamboat Springs Colorado. I hope to travel soon and maybe find a less expensive place to live. 

“I doubt if I can train her to sleep elsewhere. She’s seven and has never known anything different, she’s quiet and doesn’t move. 

“I ended the relationship- just easier alone.”

Tom’s conclusion: Animals, especially dogs, have a huge influence on senior dating and senior happiness. Next week, we will change to a new senior dating topic. Which one? I don’t know, we will see what the mailbag receives.

Have a great and safe holiday weekend.