On Life and Love after 50

Sunday Morning Coming Down

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – October 4, 2024
Sunday Morning Coming Down
By Columnist Tom Blake

Part 1 – Sunday Morning Coming Down

In the summer of 1975, Johnny Cash and his wife June Carter Cash invited 17 Victoria Station Restaurant Chain executives and their wives/girlfriends to be their guests at a dual concert at the Sahara Tahoe Resort and Casino at Lake Tahoe.

I was among the 17. Our group was seated in the front row. There were approximately 1,500 people in the room. A little background information will explain Johnny’s connection to Victoria Station.

Johnny loved trains. Victoria Station restaurants were built out of boxcars and cabooses. Johnny was hired to sing the company’s radio commercials and to be our spokesperson because he identified with trains. As the Marketing Director, it was my job to get Johnny signed and later to ensure that Johnny’s experience with us was first class.

I first met Johnny and June in 1975 when I picked them up in a limo at the Coconut Grove Hotel in Miami Beach. My mission was to have them check out our company’s Miami restaurant to convince Johnny to agree to represent us.
In the limo, I heard Johnny mention to June that Kris Kristofferson had bought a toy train for their son John’s fifth birthday.

Back to the Sahara Lake Tahoe. After the first show, during the intermission, all 17 couples were invited to go backstage. Johnny and June stood together, and I introduced each person to them. I was proud, feeling at least partially responsible for bringing the Cashes and our group together. As we left the backstage area to return to our seats, Johnny pulled me aside and asked, “Tom, what is your favorite song of mine?”

I replied, “Sunday Morning Coming Down.” Johnny said, “Kris Kristofferson wrote that. It’s one of my favorites too.” I smiled and said, “I know Kris wrote it.” At the start of the second show–as Johnny always did–he faced the audience and said, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash.”

And then he pointed at me and said, “Hello, Tom Blake, this song is for you.” He sang, Sunday Morning Coming Down. I was overcome with gratitude.

During the next two years, I was with Johnny and June at least 25 times, usually when they appeared in a city where Victoria Station had a restaurant. We became good friends. That friendship continued for 25 more years.

Johnny introduced me to Carl Perkins, Larry Gatlin, John Denver, Glen Campbell, Rosanne Cash, and Roger Miller. But I never met Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, or Willie Nelson.
And when Johnny published his “Man In Black” memoir in 1975, he signed–with me standing next to him–the inside front cover of his book with these words:
Hendersonville, Tennessee, August 15, 1975 To Tom Blake, the Best to you
(See photo below)

Johnny and June both passed away in 2003. When I published my book, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” in 2006, I wanted Kris Kristofferson to have a copy of it, because the book describes my relationship with the Cash family, and a chapter is titled “Sunday Morning Coming Down.”

That chapter mentions Kris. I knew how much Johnny cared for him. I asked Rosanne Cash, one of Johnny’s four daughters, if she would provide me with Kris’s snail mail address, which she did, and I mailed Kris a book in 2007. Two weeks later, I was making dinner at Greta’s (my partner of 25 years) house, in San Clemente. Greta went to the mailbox and returned to the kitchen.

Greta said, “You have a package from Kris in Hawaii.” My sisters, Pam and Chris, were on holiday in Hawaii and I thought Kris was Chris my sister, who perhaps had sent me some seashells or chocolates.

I said to Greta, “Open it.” Greta opened it and exclaimed, “Oh Wow! It’s an autographed picture signed with these words, ‘Thanks, Tom, Peace Kris Kristofferson!’” When she showed it to me, I was thrilled. (See picture that Kris sent me above).

A couple of years later, Greta and I attended a concert at the San Manuel Casino in Riverside featuring Kris and Merle Haggard performing together. They were awesome, but I had failed to get backstage passes, so we didn’t meet him. Another time, Greta bought me a birthday present– tickets to see Kris performing solo in person at the Disney Theatre in LA. We did not have backstage passes. Again, we didn’t meet him.

September 24, 2004

A month ago, I mentioned in this eNewsletter that I hoped to attend the unveiling of the Johnny Cash statue in the Nation’s Capitol Building on September 24, 2024.

But only United States Senators and members of Congress were invited plus about 100 members of the Cash Family. I contacted Rosanne’s manager to see if they might have an extra ticket. He told me the Cash Family ticket allotment was already filled. I surmised that Johnny’s old pals like Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson might secure a couple of those seats. Kris wasn’t there; I don’t know if Willie was.

This past Sunday morning (coincidentally, a Sunday morning), while checking my computer, I read that Kris, at 88, had peacefully passed away at his home in Maui the day before.

Although I had never met him, I felt a big void. What an incredible person Kris Kristofferson was. A Rhodes Scholar, a graduate of Oxford University, and a professor at West Point. But his grit belonged to Nashville, where he became a janitor for five years to pursue his career of becoming one of the most prolific singers/songwriters in history. Kris followed his heart and touched mine.

Thank you, Kris, for being kind, and caring and, for writing so many classic songs, especially, “Sunday Morning Coming Down.” Your signed photo hangs proudly in my office 17 years after you sent it to me.

The link to “Sunday Morning Coming Down” is below.

Part 2 Jackson

Since I mentioned in Part 1 about being in a limo with Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash the first time I met them, I admit I was nervous. To make conversation, (and being aware of how popular their song Jackson was), I told them I was born and raised in Jackson.

June said, “Oh, Jackson, Tennessee?” I said, “No, Jackson, Michigan.” June said, “That’s nice.” (She wasn’t overly impressed but was very courteous, as always).

A year later, Johnny said to me, “Do you think Victoria Station would consider building a restaurant named Johnny Cash’s Victoria Station in Jackson, Tennessee?” I said, “I’ll ask. It didn’t happen. We already had restaurants in Memphis and Knoxville, Tennessee.

I mention Jackson because just last week the man Billy Edd Wheeler, who co-wrote the song Jackson in 1963–that Johnny and June made so popular–died at 91. So, bless Billy Edd Wheeler, Johhny Cash, June Carter Cash, and Kris Kristofferson for their respective contributions to Country music.

A Link to Sunday Morning Coming Down is below:

https://youtu.be/IRU9i9egr7A

The above photo is the inside cover of Johnny’s memoir, Man In Black, signed by him to me, August 15, 1975. He signed it and then handed it to me standing next to him. We were in the House of Cash recording studio, in Hendersonville, Tenn.

Assisted Living Romance

Single, eligible man at Assisted Living Facility?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 20, 2024
Assisted Living Love
By Columnist Tom Blake

Finding Love is Possible at Assisted Living Facilities

Lillian Phillips emailed this week, “I’ve been a Champ for years and love your column. When I was 85, I had been widowed a second time and had been living with my son for three years. I needed a hearing aid and a walker to get around–not exactly dating material!

“In January 2022, when I turned 86, I entered an assisted living facility in Henderson, Nevada, thinking, ‘Here is where I’ll probably die.’

“Two months later, a gentleman named Sid was invited to sit with other ladies and me in the dining room. When he walked through the dining room door, he looked confident and handsome. He had a full head of hair and didn’t use a cane or walker to get around. He was 92 and charming. I wondered, could I be Finding Love at 86.

“During many meals together, we got to know each other and grew to ‘like’ each other very much. I had a terrible crush on him but kept all these feelings to myself. As I said earlier, I didn’t feel I was dating material and many single ladies were living here with their eyes on him. I didn’t know he felt the same about me.

“Just before Christmas 2022, we took the same elevator to our floor after dinner and there he said, ‘Don’t you know that I’m crazy about you?’ Those words were all I needed, and I knew that I loved him deeply, and expressed this to him. He told me that the one thing that captured his heart was my smile. I have much to smile about these days. I had thought that I couldn’t fall in love again.

“After several months we both realized that our life was more joyful together.
“This handsome ‘silver fox’ proposed marriage. We married on June 19, 2023, at the facility. Wow, marriage at Assisted Living.

“We knew the risks of marriage at our age: health, finances, family. We discussed all this and have worked it out. Whatever time each of us might have left we’ll take it together. My experience is that you are never too old to fall in love, and you can never be sure where or when love will show up. I’m

88 and Sid is 94, but our hearts are forever young. Your column inspired us.”
Tom’s response to Lillian. “Your heartfelt story is a message of hope that will encourage many older singles, especially those in an assisted living facility, to never give up. We wish you well for years to come.

eNewsletter Questions

From time to time, I receive technical questions about the eNewsletter. By technical questions, I mean how it works and why a Champ sometimes receives two copies of the same eNewsletter in the same week.

A woman Champ recently emailed “I noticed lots of duplicate reminder emails. My email address has been messed up and I just figured out how to straighten it out. I don’t always get to your article right away. Can you turn off the reminders, so I don’t get duplicates?” She was getting duplicates because her computer wasn’t functioning properly.

I responded. “The Sunday duplicate emails are only sent if the Friday email was not opened by the Champ. By sending the duplicates, about 220 people open the resend. If I turn that off, I lose 220 or whatever the number is, from reading the eNewsletter. The system won’t allow me to turn off an individual address (but it will allow me to delete them).

“Thank you for bringing up this issue. I appreciate your years of loyalty.”

Often, when Champs stop receiving the eNewsletter, it means they have inadvertently deleted themselves. Our Constant Contact email server does not allow me to resubscribe them.

To resubscribe, Champs need to go to my “FindingLoveAfter50.com” home page and resubscribe themselves.

Or the cause may be that your server has blocked the eNewsletters. If that’s the case, you will need to fix that situation yourself (or, with the help of your grandkids).

A Week of Little Blessings

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter September 13, 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist

An eight-foot statue of Johnny Cash is being unveiled in the Nation’s Capitol Emancipation Hall on September 24. I thought, how cool, I’d love to be there, but I assumed it would be an exclusive “by invitation only” event. I searched online for details.

I saw a copy of the formal invitation sent to United States Senators and House Members. Even they had to RSVP to reserve a seat and indeed, it was an “invitation-only” event. I telephoned the Sargeant Of Arms spokesperson listed on the invitation and she told me there was no way I could get a seat on my own. She did mention that a limited number of seats had been set aside for Cash family members and suggested I contact them.

I’ve known Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter, for nearly 50 years. On a whim, I sent Danny, Rosanne’s road manager, an email request to ask Rosanne if there might be an empty seat left that I could occupy. For luck, I put on my Johhny Cash t-shirt before venturing out for the day.

Within minutes, Danny responded: “I’m sorry Tom, Rosanne has already used up her allotment.” I thought about guys like Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson who are probably on Rosanne’s list so I wasn’t surprised or disappointed. However, being able to dream like that at my age is a little blessing.

My next-door neighbors, Jake and Kresta, have a son who lives in Nashville, Tennessee, and they own a home there. They visit often. A friend of mine who also owns a home in Nashville but lives in Dana Point stopped by my house that day to hopefully meet them. I introduced her to them. They compared notes and found that their homes are in the same suburb only a few blocks apart. They became friends. That was a little blessing. What a small world.

A while later, still wearing my Johnny Cash t-shirt, I stopped at Trader Joe’s. When checking out, there were two young men (age 20 or less) working the cash register together. While placing my items in a paper bag, one of the guys saw my t-shirt and said, “Do you like Johnny Cash?”

I replied, “Yes, I knew him and worked with him for two years. He was a great guy.”

The boy’s face lit up; he said excitedly, “I love Johnny Cash. I love Johnny Cash. The next time you come in can we take some time, and you tell me more about him?”

Here was a young man approximately 64 years younger than me and we both admire Johnny Cash. We had an immediate connection. That was a little blessing.

And speaking of Trader Joe’s, I’ve owned a black and red T.J.’s insulated bag for at least 20 years. I’ve taken it on trips overseas multiple times. It’s virtually a world traveler. It’s so versatile, lightweight, and convenient.

The day after being at Trader Joe’s, I walked to the sidewalk in front of my house. There was a new Trader Joe’s canvas tote bag, exactly like mine, on a bush near the sidewalk. It was empty except for a pink Gelson’s Market receipt that showed a name and a telephone number. I thought to myself, “I bet the owner would like to have that bag back. And if I leave it out here near the sidewalk, anybody walking by could snatch it.”

I brought the bag inside and texted the number on the receipt to explain I had found the bag. A day went by, no response. I decided to leave a voice message. Three hours later, the phone rang. It was Jack, the bag’s owner. I suggested we meet somewhere so I could give him his bag. I told him the name of my street.

He told me his. Same street. Turns out, he lives at number 5, and I live at number 15–50 yards away but around the corner. Both of us have been in the neighborhood for years. We had never met. And, now, we are friends. That was another little blessing.

This week, I stopped at Tutor and Spunky’s, my former deli in Dana Point. A woman I’ve known for 30 years named Eileen Gordon, a personal trainer who works in the same center, was there and we chatted for a few minutes.

I sell my books at the deli. A delightful employee named Apple told me a woman customer named Wendy Adam had bought one of my “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark” books that I published in 2021. Wendy had left the book at the deli hoping I would sign below the picture on page 232.

The picture on page 232 is of Vern McGarry, a loyal deli customer, an accomplished skydiver, and the volunteer coach of the 2007 Dana Hills High School track and field high jumpers. Three high jumpers were also in the picture. Vern sadly passed away a few years ago.

And then Apple said with a tear in her eye, that one of the jumpers was Wendy’s son Jeff Adam. And that he had passed away unexpectedly at age 20, which is why Wendy wanted that page signed. Apple had Wendy’s phone number and called her to tell her I was at the deli signing the book.

As fate would have it, Wendy was doing personal training at Eileen’s exercise gym.

As I was about to sign under the picture, Wendy came into the deli. We had never met. I asked her about her son Jeff. She told me how Jeff had passed; it was a day after he performed in a decathlon event. She and I hugged. There were tears all around. Thanks to Apple for being so considerate and caring toward Wendy. What a little blessing that event at the deli was.

Blessings come in all sizes. I experienced them this past week. And I am blessed.

Single seniors be assertive

Champ Sharon Likes Guinness and Ireland

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 6, 2024
Single Singles Be Assertive
By Columnist Tom Blake

Sharon (from Pennsylvania) wrote, “I sure am glad you continue writing because I enjoy hearing from you every Friday and yes you are blessed with the gift of writing. I love how your wonderful, fun, and upbeat personality comes across in some way within every writing!

“I agree that we Champs need to get out there and socialize. You and I exchanged emails two or three years ago and you encouraged me then on ways to meet someone.

“I am always keeping the thought of meeting a truly nice, humorous, and fun guy in my mind as I go about my days. I met a man at a classmate’s funeral. He asked if the seat beside me was taken and I said no. I liked him instantly and we talked and found out we attended the same school; he was a year behind me. He also had known my Dad.

“He asked me if I was married and I said no; he said he wasn’t either. After the funeral, he asked me if I wanted to walk at a local park. I did, we communicated well, and he held my hand as we walked around the park. We even kissed and I was starting to think wow I can’t believe I am meeting this man.

“Then he was honest with me and said he lives with a woman, my heart sank. He wanted to see me again and I said ‘No, it sounds like you already have a girlfriend!’ So much for that!

“I keep busy taking care of my house inside and out. I am meticulously fussy with keeping everything neat and have had several men stop and talk while I was outside. One even told me his wife passed away last year and that he was taking a trip out West, but I haven’t seen him walking since.

“I play pickleball or work out at Spooky Nook Sports (A sports complex in Lancaster County, PA) most days. And I attend a class breakfast and a retirement lunch each month. Plus, I go to all three of my grandsons’ sports events every chance I get, and the normal store jaunts and church on Sunday.

“I’ve had no luck meeting anyone, I am beginning to think good men are hard to find and think I should just be happy with my own company. Maybe people are more friendly in California than in Pennsylvania!”

Tom’s response to Sharon

Sharon, Thank you for your kind comments. To me, Champs are trusted friends. I call them privately ‘Tom Blake’s Senior Champs’. Or Tom’s Champs for short. Hence, I am comfortable being open, honest, and comfortable with all of you. Most single Champs, both men and women, would like to meet a nice, humorous, and fun potential mate. Besides those three important characteristics, many Champs (women and men) tell me that senior physical attraction is at or near the top of their characteristics-wanted list.

And I am one of them. The guy you met at the funeral was a snake. He asked if you were married and you said no. Then, he responded that he wasn’t married either, inferring he was unattached. He held your hand and kissed you. Wow, that is physical attraction right off the bat. I don’t blame you for feeling uplifted at that moment. Instant chemistry is the stuff that dreams are made of.

You said he was honest with you. I think you mean, honest after he acted like he cared for you. He held your hand, kissed you, and later confessed he lives with a woman. He was a dorkster (a term not recognized in the English language but one that my favorite brother-in-law uses often).

I imagine that every Champ who reads today’s eNewsletter would have had their heart sink as well under those circumstances. It was the old bait-and-switch method. And you did the right thing by saying no, you would not see him while he is living with a woman.

Regarding the guy who walks by your house whose wife has passed away, if you are attracted to him, the next time you see him, invite him over for coffee or a bite to eat.

And check out the other men who walk past. If you don’t see a wedding ring or a woman holding onto their arm, ask them casually if they are single. Be assertive, not aggressive.

If you suspect a man is single, and you find him appealing, suggest you get together.

Continue doing the things you currently do outside: attending the grandkids’ events, pickleball, luncheons, breakfasts, store jaunts, and church. Those are so critical. It increases your chances of meeting a potential mate, but being active and keeping your body moving is good for your health. Remember, it only takes one person.

Continue trying to meet someone in your city. That beats the heck out of online dating. Remember, be friendly and always smile. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of the men you see and their status. You might try online dating in the future, but it’s a whole new endeavor.

And yes, good men are hard to find. But they are out there. And for men, compatible women are hard to find. Yes, the ratio of single women to single men puts men at an advantage. But neither women nor men should give up hope. Keep searching. Pursue every opportunity. We just never know when fate or a higher power will step in to help us. Yes, be happy with your own company, but don’t stop trying to meet someone. As Fleetwood Mac sang in their song, “Don’t Stop”:

“Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here”It’ll be better than before”Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone”
(song link below)

Are men in California friendlier than in Pennsylvania? Probably not, there just are more of them. But, of course, there are more women in California too, so that evens out with the great state of PA. Please keep us posted. Champs tell me they want to hear about the journeys other Champs are experiencing. I wish you well. And if any Champ would like to contact Sharon, let me know. I will put you in touch with her.

Link to Fleetwood Mac song, Don’t Stop:

Bing Videos

Fantasy

Authentic Autographed USFL football owned by Tom

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 30, 2024
Senior Dating Fantasy and Football
By Columnist Tom Blake

The first paragraph of my initial newspaper column read “Unfortunately, many of you have been there, are there now, or will be soon. Where? Middle-aged and dating again.”

The second paragraph was, “I won’t bore you with why my wife and I separated. The separation occurred Christmas time, 1993.”

That initial column was titled “Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company” and appeared on July 7, 1994, in the Dana Point News and the “Laguna Niguel News in South Orange County, California.

Seeing my column that day in the two newspapers nearly floored me. Why? Six months before, when the separation happened, I wasn’t a writer, let alone a newspaper columnist. But it’s amazing what can happen to people when adversity strikes. Opportunity often arises later and when it does, people should seize it.

And now, 30 years after that first column appeared, I feel as blessed as I felt then to have my articles appear in printed newspapers and eNewsletters.
In 1994, middle-aged dating was difficult. I wasn’t prepared for it. But as Frank Sinatra sang in My Way, “…when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.” I muddled through and wrote columns about the senior dating challenges I faced.

Newspaper readers, mostly singles, shared their information with me by leaving messages on the newspaper’s telephone information lines. That information enabled me to continue writing columns with fresh material.
I started writing eNewsletters 20 years ago. The topics in the newsletters and newspapers are not the same. Yes, sometimes they are similar but often totally different.

Two weeks ago, at Oggi’s Sports Brewhouse in Mission Viejo, California, a group of old buddies gathered for our annual fantasy football draft, which began 36 years ago. Our fantasy league’s name is TMFL, an acronym for Tooter’s Morning Football League. My nickname has been Tooter ever since 1988 when I opened Tutor & Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point.

In 1990, when I started the fantasy football league, the founding 12 franchises named it TMFL. And some of them still call me “Toot.” Six of the original 12 are still in our group.

Before the Internet arrived, we all drafted together in one room, usually at Tutor & Spunky’s. Now, some choose to draft online remotely, using the CBS Fantasy Sports website.

For those of us who still draft together in person, we have fun being together, although we draft online, but in the same room.

One of our league members, Jason Gross, whom I’ve known for 20+ years, asked, “Are you still writing those middle-aged dating articles?”

I said, “Yes. I’m at about 5,000 articles in 30 years, but it’s not about middle-aged dating anymore. I now call it senior dating.”

Jason said, “How do you come up with fresh material?”

I replied, “As we age, more and more people become single, be it through divorce, or the passing of a partner. Or they are single because they haven’t met ‘their’ person yet. They seek information to help them find a mate and their numbers keep growing.

“I can keep my topics fresh because of my eNewsletters. My readers are called Champs and they always send in information I can use as topics. They ask questions and share dating experiences—some are success stories and some are simply their frustrations with senior dating.

Jason Gross said, “It’s important for seniors who have been afraid to start dating again and those who may be lonely or want to make new associations, to get off the couch and socially interact with people.”

I said, “It doesn’t have to be with only single members of the opposite sex. Married friends and family members can help people ease loneliness.”

Jason and I gave each other a high-five. It was time for our football draft to begin so I accessed the pages of football research notes I had generated over the recent weeks and placed them on the table for easy access. Making sense of the online football draft was more confusing and time-consuming than senior online dating.

That discussion with Jason at the fantasy football draft made me realize that senior dating is a topic that will never grow old. Perhaps it’s time to focus on writing about it for 10 more years. The title might become, “Senior dating in our 80s.”

Egad, when that first column was written in 1994, I had no idea how many more there would be. Had someone said “5,000,” I would have probably put the pencils and paper away and retired from journalism right then and there.

So Champs, please continue sending in your comments and questions, we need to keep the senior dating information current. And you are the reason this fantasy dating column can continue.

By the way, my first pick in the draft was Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen. My fantasy is he will score at least a couple of TDs this weekend.

Dana Point Classic Car Show

Dana Point Classic Car Show – August 25, 2024

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

I often encourage seniors to get out of the house and socialize with people. On Sunday, August 25, I decided to follow my own advice. I attended the Dana Point Classic Car Show that was held on Del Prado Avenue between Golden Lantern and Blue Lantern streets. The event was free. What an amazing production.

There were approximately 300 magnificently restored classic cars and trucks. And close to 200 vendors. Thousands of people attended of all ages, including families with young children and some with their dogs on leashes. The weather was perfect, 75 and sunny.

Loudspeakers were positioned throughout the event with oldies from the 1960s to 1990s blaring. An announcer kept the crowd informed of current activities taking place.

I stopped at the booth where my friends Vince The Hat Man and his partner Julie were selling their custom-logo hats at the intersection of Del Prado and Violet Lantern. Since I’d been walking in the sun for more than an hour, they insisted I sit in the shade in one of their chairs. What a vantage point. Their booth was a popular gathering spot and meeting place for multitudes of people.

Standing in the intersection in front of the hat booth was the star of the entire car show, at least in my eyes. It wasn’t a classic car or truck, but it was a man named Ben Valencia, Jr. Ben was volunteering with the VFW handing out miniature American flags and pinwheels to children. I watched him put smiles on lots of faces.

I introduced myself saying, “I see you are wearing a Korean War Vet hat. I am a Viet Nam War Vet.”

Ben and I chatted briefly and then he surprised me when he said, “I’ve been reading your newspaper columns for years. I’m 93.”

I was amazed, a man 93 who reads my “On Life and Love after 50” eNewsletter and column. We had a laugh over that. Turns out, Ben worked for Space Transportation Systems for Rockwell International. He was a specialist and member of the Technical Staff Avionics Subsystems Engineering. In other words, he assisted with launching astronauts into space.

When the Beach Boys song “I Get Around” came on the loudspeakers, two attractive women standing at the hat booth, Michelle and Lisa, started dancing with anyone who would join in. Ben handed me his handful of flags and pinwheels to hold while he briefly danced with them. Michelle is known as Lady Hummingbird.

Later, Ben said, “My beautiful wife and I have lived in Dana Point for more than 55 years. We will be having our 69^th wedding anniversary in November. She is not as mobile as she used to be, so we don’t dance much anymore. So, my dancing today was an expression of what used to be.”

While standing alongside the hat booth, I saw a familiar face in the adjacent booth. It was city council member and former Mayor, Mike Frost. We’ve been friends for several years. While we were talking, people kept stopping to greet him.

Michelle and Lisa wanted a photo with Councilman Frost and me so Michelle handed a stranger her camera and a photo was taken.

At the end of the day, blue ribbons were handed out to winners of cars in different categories. In my opinion, every car there deserved a blue ribbon. They were gorgeous and so polished they looked brand new. The car owners were always nearby and happy to answer questions.

The Dana Point Classic Car Show is one of the fun events that make our Tri-city area a special place to live.

The Power of a Good Hug

Our Champ today suggests singles could wear a sign like this

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 23, 2024
The Power of a Good Hug
By Columnist Tom Blake

On August 9, 2024, Champ Deanne emailed: “I’m a widow (10 years this week) and it stinks. I want another relationship, maybe marriage. I think most of us—who are in this club we never asked to join–would do better with a partner. Some studies prove being alone is bad for one’s health.

“I have many thoughts from a female perspective. First, I took off my rings when I got tired of people asking whether I was eating alone or waiting for my husband. My two sons got me a little ring with three stones representing the three of us, which I wear.

“I took all the photos down except a few of my sons and me or just my sons. I have lots of things that still remind me of my husband. We can’t change our thoughts, hearts or memories but we can add to them.

“Death is so much different than divorce and some people just don’t understand that. And watching someone die truly changes us forever.

“I want to have my second chance. However, I haven’t truly dated since 1981 (a couple of coffee meet-ups) and I feel lost. I’m not that cute little 27-year-old anymore.

“I feel I need a new skill set. I’m not sure how to flirt or where to go to flirt. Usually, when I try something like a group activity there aren’t any men except husbands. Maybe we should all wear an ‘available’ sign with a description like widow or widower, divorced or never married. (See Tom’s rendition of a potential sign above)

“I’m a bit uncomfortable trying again. And I wish sometimes that I was a male because my odds would improve. “I’m 70 but I know I have more to give, more life to live and adventures ahead. For me, the biggest thing lost is touch. That includes time together watching a movie or sharing a meal, smiling at each other, listening, and knowing they’ll be there, and they care.

“That little peck on the cheek or more, his arm around my back when I may need it, me holding his hand and looking at him from afar. Yes, I miss it all, even the snoring. I miss the power of a good hug.

“Tom, I would like your input and ideas. You are always spot on. I wake up in the early hours on Friday to read your column. I know you have covered this many times, but an update would do me good. Keep up your great work, I’m glad you found someone.”

Tom’s response to Deanne

First, Deanne, I want to congratulate you for having the bravery to share your vulnerability, emptiness, and wishes for love with Champs. That takes guts, which is a positive start to enriching your life. And you are right, being alone isn’t good for your health. And you miss a man’s touch and hugs. Even his snoring (you are brave!).

Most senior singles—men and women I know–miss some or all those things. There is nothing like the power of a good hug. You state that you want a second chance at love. You haven’t dated in 43 years, and you’ve been a widow for 10 years. And yes, losing a mate to death is different from a divorce. Do your best to put those thoughts on the back burner.

You are virtually starting from scratch. The journey will be a challenge that takes time, energy, and perhaps a little money so be patient. Let’s begin with the most important piece of advice, of which most Champs have heard me state more than one hundred times.

“Get off the couch and out of the house and pursue activities you enjoy.”
Since your primary purpose is to meet a man, avoid activities that appeal mainly to women, like quilting or basket weaving.

For ideas on where to go, check out the MeetUp.com website. Of course, whenever you go out to a place where you might meet people, look nice. You say you don’t know how to flirt or where to go to flirt. I don’t use that term anymore. Instead, I call it ‘being assertive’ (not aggressive).

Let’s say you see a man who appeals to you in a store like Costco, Ralph’s, Kroger, Trader Joe’s, or anyplace really. And he isn’t wearing a wedding ring. (No wedding ring doesn’t guarantee he isn’t married or is available).

Smile. Be friendly. Strike up a conversation with a simple question such as, “Are these avocados ripe?” Or “What wine do you recommend that goes well with spaghetti?” If he seems receptive, say something like, “I’m single, cooking for myself. Are you single?” If he says “yes,” say, “I’d love to buy you a cup of coffee.”

That’s being assertive, not aggressive (which can be a turnoff). And yes, it’s okay to buy a man a cup of coffee. He’ll probably pay for it anyway. Your wearing a sign idea is a fun idea, but it hasn’t caught on in the senior dating community yet. Are there any Champs willing to test wearing a sign? If so, let me know. Something like, “I’m a widow and available. Just ask me.”

Who knows, we could be like the Green Bay Packers fans who wear those cheese heads hats. Our Champs gang could wear “available” yellow senior dating signs (again see a suggested sign above). Regardless, you need an id card with your first name and a way for him to reach you. Perhaps an email address that does not include your full name that you only use in dating situations.

Or, as our expert dating and relationship coach, Christine Baumgartner advises, “The free service for an anonymous phone number that rings on your personal cell phone is Google Voice.”Get a Google voice phone number. I can’t tell you how many people have told me they met someone nice but they failed to exchange a way to contact each other. Don’t let that happen.

You didn’t mention if you’ve tried online dating or not. That’s a whole new ballgame as well. Perhaps consider it. It allows you to cast your search net wide and far from your Orange County, West Coast of California home.

“Before you launch into online dating, ask more questions. Proceed very cautiously. Scammers thrive on online dating sites, searching for vulnerable seniors. And yes, you are vulnerable and would be a prime target of scammers. Get sound advice from friends, our Champs, or experts such as Christine mentioned above (Christine@theperfectcatch.com).

Lastly, your age, is 70. You’re a young pup. You still have plenty of time to meet someone, but don’t let any more time slip away. We are all pulling for you.

Visit my website for more ideas: http://www.findingloveafter50.com

Senior Sex and Widower Finds Love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 16, 2024

Columnist Tom Blake

I avoid three topics in my eNewsletters—religion, politics, and senior sex. However, an email concerning senior sex arrived in response to last week’s column that needs addressing. That email and my comment on it are Part 1.

Part 2 is a beautiful love story sent in by a Champ that also mentions senior sex.

Part 1 – Quid Pro Quo Senior Sex

JJ (a woman) wrote, “Alicia’s brother (from last week’s article) sounds like a good man. He is willing to give friendship and more to enjoy the companionship of the woman without demanding that she pay him back with sex.

“Men, especially older men, who cannot tolerate not having sex are not worth having around. They disguise their desire for sex as ‘friendship’ or ‘companionship’ when it’s not that at all. In reality, it’s a quid-pro-quo relationship. Alicia’s brother offers something very real and true! Sounds like a nice guy!”

I am curious how men and women feel about JJ’s comments. At the risk of having a Champ or two unsubscribe, I will say this: I think her quid pro quo relationship comment is offensive and erroneous. It assumes that any man who enjoys sex and pays for a woman’s dinner or theatre tickets or whatever expects sex in exchange. That’s the quid pro quo.

If a man or a woman chooses to be non-sexual, that’s their business. But, if a desire for affection is in our genes, it’s about finding a mate who enjoys the same thing.

So, let’s hear how you Champs feel about it.

Also, Champ Christine Baumgartner, a relationship expert, and Champ and friend for years, emailed this comment: “I’m very interested in addressing/answering questions from your readers about senior sex.

“Feel free to include my offer in your eNewsletter with my email address so their questions and my answered comments won’t go through your newsletter.

“It’s such a challenging subject for us and I’m very comfortable answering their questions and concerns.

Christine’s email is: Christine@theperfectcatch.com.

Please tell her you are a Champ.

Part 2 – A Widower finds love

“Joe (not his true name) emailed approximately 18 months ago, “I’m in my early 60’s and widowed. My late wife and I were committed to each other since we were teenagers and married soon after college for 44 years.

“Our relationship started so young, we were the only ones each of us had been intimate with and we loved and valued that bond. As two people in love and with an active sex drive, it was difficult for us both when my wife’s illness prevented any kind of physical intimacy.

“But that was only one part of our relationship, and the other parts grew stronger to compensate. My love and commitment towards her were reason enough for me to put my sexual urges on the back burner as I focused on caring for her.

“After her passing, I knew there would be a time when I would resume being sexually active but had no idea when I would feel ready and when I would find a woman I was attracted to. I am now dating a wonderful woman. (Joe wrote the above 18 months ago)

Update August 12, 2024. Joe wrote: “My relationship with that woman I mentioned above ended amicably shortly after the holidays this past year. We were enjoying our time with each other, but each wanted different things and didn’t see our relationship being long-term.

“Since then, I have met and fallen in love with another woman who fills my life with incredible joy and happiness. We are both looking for the same thing in a partner and have quickly become inseparable.

“We are compatible in every aspect of our lives including activities, energy levels, family, humor, conversation, openness, physical touch, and intimacy. It is quite extraordinary, and we joke that we were twins who were separated at birth.

“We also both agree that it was a blessing that we didn’t meet immediately after I started dating as I wasn’t fully prepared to be in a relationship. It was important for me to get over the feelings of guilt and anxiety that I had being with another woman other than my late wife.

“So here I am, 2-1/2 years from losing my best friend, lover, and soulmate and in a relationship that is very different but equally fulfilling. I’m as happy as I was before my wife’s illness changed our lives forever and back to being my old self.”

So that’s it for today. A topic I avoid—senior sex, snuck in here. At least I avoided religion and politics.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Sea of Photos

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 9, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

In last week’s eNewsletter, Scott, a man in his 50s, asked if he should be concerned when he saw “My True Love” on his widowed girlfriend’s cell phone. It was her deceased husband’s number. Several Champs shared their opinions.

Jane emailed, “My first thought when I read this was what a sweet response the woman gave to Scott when he saw ‘My True Love’ on her cellphone, describing her husband before he passed away.

“She could have said, ‘Yes, he was my only true love’ but instead she said, ‘I’ll have to come up with another name for you.’

“I am a very nick-name-kind-of-person. Giving someone a special name to me means they are loved and have a place in my heart.

“I hope Scott can get past his insecurity. His woman sounds like a keeper.”

Tom’s comment: Jane makes a strong point about nicknames and affectionate terms we create for people we love and care about. I use “Speedo” as Debbie’s nickname, and she uses “Myrtle” as my nickname. Always stated with a smile.

Alicia, “At my age, 72, it will not be surprising that I may come across this situation myself. It was a good refresher for me to see one of the responses you posted about my brother.

“Update on him: he and his 2nd wife were married for a couple of years and divorced. He continues to say he can’t wait to join his first wife in heaven and still cries for her.

“He is the type of man who doesn’t want to be alone, he has a new lady friend. It’s his life and I want him to be happy.

“She told him she was not interested in a serious relationship and wanted no physical benefits. He continues to do handyman favors for her and is willing to pay for trips and dinners. Well, at 74, he needs to live his life his way. He says she is fun to be around, so at least he’s enjoying himself.

Tom’s comment: “Trips and ongoing dinners with no benefits? I’m guessing but I imagine some of our men Champs, including me, won’t go for that arrangement. However, as men reach 70, some might accept the senior no-sex aspect.

Jim, “The reader in last week’s eNewsletter who stated ‘just move on’ probably had a divorce which is much different than having a spouse or mate pass away.

“Many widowed people usually think more about their past love than divorced people think about theirs.”

Leslie (name changed by request), emailed, “I dated a very nice widower after my divorce, whom I met on Match.com. He treated me well, was funny, and was very smart.

“But upon visiting his home he had a wall-to-wall shrine to his dearly departed wife. The focal point was a HUGE portrait of her, with smaller photos bedecking every flat surface.

“I. Just. Couldn’t. I understand his attachment. It must have been a horrible loss for him when she passed. But visiting him was a total immersion in a sea of photos, mementos, and ephemera.

Tom’s comment: I admit I had to look up the meaning of the word ephemera. It’s a noun meaning things like old papers, letters, and boxes that are meant to be used for only a short period and then can be tossed away.

Also, I liked Leslie’s “sea of photos” reference. It made me think of a 1958 hit song by Don Gibson, called “Sea of Heartbreak.” It’s an oldie but goodie, the link is below.

Leslie continued, “I quit seeing him because it was obvious that he needed more time to grieve for her. I have enough friends already. I wanted at least an available partner.

“He is not a “Match” for me, I’m afraid. I’m not saying that the place should be stripped of all evidence. But I AM saying that it takes a special person to be ok with dating in what is, essentially, a museum of constant reminders of how perfect this past spouse was. That’s great, but it’s not for me.”

Bruce, “I will always have some mementos of my deceased wife in my home for my kids to see, if for nothing else. It is what it is as far as I am concerned.”

Christine, (expert dating and relationship coach), “I have a divorced client who is dating a widower and saw a FB post that called his widow the love of his life, and my client called me before she said anything to him. I was sympathetic to how she felt. Non-widowed people often have this feeling.

“I explained ‘she isn’t here’ and ‘can’t come back’ (like her ex-husband) and confirmed how he treats her.

“We also talked about what a loving man he is to her and part of the reason is because he loved his late wife so much. She returned to the man and told him she adored how much he loved his late wife and how proud she was to be with a man who posted such a loving message to her on FB.”

Tom’s ending comments

We all grieve differently. Having photos and mementos of a deceased spouse or loved one is natural. Everyone I know who has lost a special person has photos and other memory items in his or her home.

When we start dating again, we will remove some of these items but not all. Potential new partners must be prepared for those items and accept them. Losing love can be a “Sea of Heartbreak.” And finding love again is a compromise on both sides of the fence.

However, as Leslie stated above, if the new person’s home is a shrine to their deceased love, they are likely not ready for anyone else to enter their life.

Link to Sea of Heartbreak:

Sea of Heartbreak

Widows and Widowers’ Dilemma

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 2, 2024

by Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Most emails I receive regarding widowed people come from readers age 60+. Hence, I was surprised when Scott, in his 50s, wrote, “I have a girlfriend who is a widow. Her husband passed away about 1.5 years ago and we have dated for a year. We are both in our 50s and it’s really serious and I’ve been thinking about proposing to her.

“I looked at her cellphone while she was driving and saw some contacts. One said, “My True Love,” so I asked her about that. She said that it was her deceased husband’s cell number.

“I don’t know why, but I felt my heart kind of sink, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. She said something like, I’ll have to come up with another name for you. Well, what could top ‘My True Love?’

“Am I making too much out of this, or should this concern me if we were to tie the knot?”

Scott isn’t a Champ. I wondered how he tracked me down, and then I saw that he had read my April 9, 2021, eNewsletter article on my www.findingloveafter50.com website, titled “Widowed people’s dilemma: Remove deceased spouse’s pictures?”

Before I replied to Scott, I accessed that article on my website to see if it might apply to his situation. It didn’t directly—Scott’s question wasn’t about a deceased spouse’s photos around his girlfriend’s house. But the comments from Champs in that April 9, 2021, article apply to any widow or widower who still has precious memories of their deceased spouse.

Hence, I included those comments today.

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim, a man, said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years, and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be forgotten. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were very much in love and each had pictures of their former spouses around. They talked with each other about the adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again. When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me, did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new spouse of the nature and profundity of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Tom’s answer to Scott’s question

“Good question. I lost my partner of 25 years a year and a half ago. There are always things that come up that remind me of her. It’s going to happen to your girlfriend as well.

“Do not make a big deal out of it. It is part of the grieving process. It’s nothing intentional. Don’t rush her to erase the description of her ex from her phone, and don’t rush her to tie the knot. She will need a bit more time to take those steps.

Maybe she’ll write this description of you on her phone, My 2nd True Love.”