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Declutter and downsize. Better now than later

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – January 25, 2019

by Tom P Blake

Downsize and Declutter. Better now than later

Toward the end of last week’s newsletter, I included this paragraph:

“Greta and I are in a major downsizing and decluttering this New Year’s; I moved my unsold cases of books to a self-storage space. While grunting and groaning doing that, I said to myself, “I need to move out some of these books. I’m going to offer Champs a major price incentive on books.”

From that paragraph, this comment came from a woman Champ, who requested to remain anonymous: “Tom, please write about decluttering. A lot has been written about this already. For example, a short but sweet article in the NYTimes science section, on Tuesday, January 9, 2019.

“Suddenly I can’t get enough reading on this topic. I’m convinced I would feel better if I got a handle on my surroundings, instead of them being in charge. Like you, I have too many books. Due to recent travels, I also have more souvenirs with no way to display them all. And the incoming mail has piled up; with two people in the house and the other person not agreeing with me on where to put this ….. well, you have the picture.”

I got to thinking about what Anonymous said. In the last two weeks, a good part of my days have been spent helping Greta not only declutter her house, but empty it out entirely. Why? She has decided to put it up for rent and her realtor said almost all potential renters want to rent a place unfurnished. And that is what has happened.

Greta and I live together in my home, which is already adequately furnished, and less than 1/2 the size of her home. Translation: not much room to move stuff from her home to my home.

The realtor found a great tenant who required an unfurnished house. Initially, the tenant was going to move in February 1. That deadline made us crazy, less than a month to make it happen.

Greta had that home built 35 years ago and it’s in excess of 3,500 square feet. You can imagine the accumulation of furniture and things in drawers. And books, books, books. The task is overwhelming. And really heavy furniture, is on the second floor, so steep steps are involved.

And then, the new tenants, who are being transferred by the wife’s employer from New York State, said they needed to revise the move-in date to February 22. Halleluiah! That gave us three extra weeks.

Getting rid of clutter is a blessing in disguise

But, turns out, this downsizing, decluttering, call it what you like, has been a blessing in disguise. Yup, we grunt and groan and have weightlifter’s belts on, and it’s physical and mental work. But, our mantra is “Better now than later,” meaning, of course, we should do this now, so that her offspring won’t have to deal with it later.

A wonderful thing has happened. Her family has jumped in to help. Last weekend, three of her children, along with grandchildren, and great grandchildren arrived in three pickup trucks towing trailers and two SUVs. Greta was thrilled that her offspring wanted some of her furniture and belongings in their homes.

Soon, one dining room set was moved down a flight of steps and taken away. And then a couch. And then a bedroom set. And on and on. By the end of the week-end, we had cleaned out a lot of stuff.

Decluttering is a blessing in disguise — **Declutter items in garage ready to be hauled away**

We aren’t out of the woods yet. Everyday this week, we’ve spent hours packing boxes of books and going through cabinets. A dry wall guy came. Greta’s son Tony started painting in his spare time. A plumber installed a new toilet. A carpet repair man did his work. Charities have been scheduled to pick up stuff. And some documents, bearing social security and credit card numbers need to shredded.

Of course, my Dana Point home has taken on a new look. It looks like a cross between a furniture store and an art gallery. More pictures on the walls, kitchen cabinets filled and furniture that is squeezed in a bit. Greta keeps saying, “I like the way my stuff looks here.”

We did need to rent a couple of short-term (hopefully) self-storage units. We will tackle those in due time. Lots of people say that’s a waste of money. But, in our case, it was essential. We will be down to one unit by June.

But it’s all good. We keep repeating, “Better now than later. Don’t wait.”

So, Champs, decluttering and downsizing is something almost all of us will have to face. It’s never too early to start planning.

Champ Toni recently emailed, “Can’t wait for this next year. I’m planning on selling the home my late husband and I had planned to retire in. But I’m still working and don’t have time to keep up the acre and 1/2 property and pool. For me, moving into a newer home, closer to town and my office just makes sense.”

Last August, Champ Laurie Jo wrote, “Tell Champs to clear out clutter, even if some is important. Hire students to sort. Put in boxes.

“My Mother, 88, died more than a year ago. My brother and I are STILL dealing with her stuff. She never filed things, she did not cash checks (to the tune of $20,000). Vast hours of my life are sucked away as I plod through the morass of papers that she left in boxes, bowls and baskets with no rhyme or reason.

“Do yourself and your loved ones a favor…DO NOT BE SO SELFISH AS TO LEAVE THIS DETRITUS TO YOUR FAMILY TO SIFT THROUGH.”

Today’s Message: Declutter: “Better now than later. Don’t wait.”

Time to declutter and downsize. Better now than later — Donation items waiting for the truck to pick them up.

Cheryl in the red dress and (in part 2) getting rid of clutter

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – January 18, 2019

by Tom Blake Columnist

Editor’s note: There are two parts to today’s “On Life and Love after 50 e-newsletter:

Part 1- Cheryl in the red dress

Part 2- Getting rid of clutter, that is, decluttering

Part 1 – Cheryl in the red dress

In the November 30, 2018, e-Newsletter, I quoted Champ Jacquelyn, who had sent me this email: “I know this is not a dating site, but it would be so good to allow us to connect with someone here or post a profile of a Champ once a month. I’m 55 and active, but single and very lonesome.”

In that e-Newsletter, I responded to Jacquelyn: “We’ve done that from time-to-time. Last week, we posted Larry’s email address with his comments. “Why not send me some of your information for posting?”

When Champ Cheryl saw my comment to Jacquelyn, she responded: “I see you’re not opposed to publishing a person’s information and photo, I’m going to take advantage of your kindness and ‘put myself out there.’ Please consider the following:

“I’ve been widowed for 15 years. I’m 72, with red hair and blue eyes. I am retired but active in fun social activities, and like to travel, especially on cruises.

“I’m seeking a man with integrity, protective instinct, kindness, intelligent enough to converse, still has enthusiasm and curiosity, and is authentic.

“I lead with my femininity, have a sharp wit, and am spiritual and traditional, with attributes of having respect, loyalty, and devotion; being non-materialistic; and being real. Attached is a recent photo of me.”

Cheryl in the red dress

I responded to Cheryl (at least I thought I had) saying I needed to know in what part of the States or Canada she lived because a potential mate would want to know that.

But I didn’t hear back from her. I did a follow up e-Newsletter wondering why some people don’t respond. When Cheryl read that newsletter, she wrote:

“I am the ‘Cheryl’ you wrote about in your newsletter, saying that I never responded to you. I didn’t receive any email from you! I don’t know why, but rest assured that I’m eager to meet someone and would have responded immediately. So sorry for whatever happened.

“I live in Los Angeles, just south of LAX. And there’s something else I’d like to add – my preference is for a Jewish man.

“Thanks so much; I really appreciate that you took the time to follow up! You are very conscientious – I will invite you to my wedding!!”

During the time of this exchange, I was writing from the cruise ship where the Internet was iffy. I thought I had responded to Cheryl, but in checking after getting home, much to my horror, I saw my message to her never went. I apologized to her.

She wrote, “Thank you, Tom. I have no ties here and am willing to relocate, if there are men who are willing to date long-distance for a while, and, use Skype. I also continue to hope that some of your Champs may ‘know someone’ appropriate for me. As you said, it’s worth a try. I appreciate your help.”

If anyone would like to email Cheryl, email me and I will forward your email to her.

Lesson learned: As Cheryl said, it’s worth a try. Stay with it because as illustrated in this example, the mistake was mine. You may communicate with someone and not hear back. Don’t assume he or she received your message, whether by email or text. Anything can happen so always follow up until you’re sure.

A perfect example of that: On the ship, I met a couple from Washington state. They told me about a widow friend of theirs, nicknamed “Sam.” I said, let me send her a couple of my dating books. He provided me with Sam’s address, a p.o. box. I shipped the books January 2; they arrived back in my mailbox on January 12, marked: “Return to Sender. Unable to Forward.”

I notified the couple what happened. They found out that Sam had opened a p.o. box when she was first widowed, not wanting to reveal her actual street address. But, two years later, Sam decided to close the p.o. box, perhaps feeling she could safely resume using her home address.

When I found that out, the books were resent this week to her snail mail address. Hopefully, Sam will become a new Champ.

Part 2 – Declutter project brings Tom’s book offer

Speaking of my printed books, may I seize this moment to talk about them? Greta and I are in a major downsizing and decluttering this New Year’s; I moved my unsold cases of books to a self-storage space. While grunting and groaning doing that, I said to myself, “I need to move out some of these books. I’m going to offer Champs a major price incentive on books.”

Here’s the offer: I will ship autographed and personally endorsed copies of any two books (I have four), including postage and sales tax, to Champs with an address in the USA for $15. That’s like five bucks a book. Check out my bookstore at https://www.findingloveafter50.com/bookstore

If you want this offer, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and let me know what books. I will invoice you by email via my PayPal account where you can pay by credit card. I will need your snail mail address, which the PayPal order requires.

I will be happy to ship the printed books (these are not ebooks) to anyone you wish (as gifts, get-even ploys with ex mates—for whatever reason), providing they have a USA address. Shipping books out of the country is too expensive.

Three books would be $20 and all four would be $25, including postage and sales tax. I will need to know how you want me to endorse them. Something like this: “To Jerry, thanks for ghosting me, you ***”

So that’s it for this week. Downsizing and getting rid of clutter are exhausting, but so important!

The McStay Family Deserves Closure

The McStay Family Deserves Closure

by Columnist Tom Blake – Orange County California

“On Life and Love after 50” e-Newsletter – January 11, 2019

In 1986, I met Susan McStay in Texas while on a business trip. A long-distance relationship between Dallas and San Rafael, California, where I lived, began.

She had two teenage boys: Mikey, who lived with her, and Joey, who lived with his stepdad in Houston. I called her Spunky, because that’s what she was.

About a year later, Susan and Mikey moved to San Rafael to live with me. I had not met Joey McStay. A few months later, Joey and Susan were talking on the phone. I got on the line, and said to Joey, “Someday, I hope to meet you,” having no idea when that would be.

Less than 24 hours later, Joey McStay called his mom. “I’m at San Francisco Airport, can you pick me up?” He had come to California without notice, entirely on his own. We now had a family of four.

Susan didn’t like living in Marin County; she felt people there weren’t as friendly as in Texas. Her boys wanted to live in “So-Cal,” where they could surf. I was ready for a location change as well.

In my business travels, I checked out Orange County, California. One day, I found a new home in Laguna Niguel, and decided to buy it. I called Susan and said: “Pack your bags. I bought a home a mile from the ocean. I’m putting the San Rafael home on the market.”

We moved our belongings in a U-Haul truck, with Joey and Susan following behind, driving a car. A few weeks later, Susan and I married at the Courthouse in Santa Ana.

Joey and Mikey graduated from Dana Hills High School. In 1988, I opened Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point. Mikey worked there briefly. Joey part-timed at Costco.

We moved again, this time to Monarch Beach, even closer to the ocean so the boys could walk to Salt Creek Beach to surf. In 1994, Susan and I divorced. She was close to her boys. She once said to me, “Blood is thicker than water.” She and the boys moved to San Clemente.

In 1998, I met Greta. In 2001, I leased my Dana Point home and moved to San Clemente to live with Greta. From time to time, I’d see one or more of the McStays around town. I recall Greta and I seeing Joey and his family at Sonny’s Pizza.

On February 4, 2010, Joey, his wife Summer McStay, and their sons Gianni McStay, age 4, and Joseph Jr McStay, age 3, went missing from their Fallbrook, California home. Five days later, their car was found in a parking lot adjacent to the Mexican border, giving an impression that their disappearance may have been voluntary. People and authorities were baffled; I sure was. That wasn’t the Joey that I had helped raise, albeit for just five years.

Things didn’t sort. Food had been left on the table, their beloved dogs were left outside with no food or water, and there was $80,000 in a bank account. Their situation received national news coverage: People Magazine, Dateline, you name it.

I recall naively thinking perhaps Joey would call me one day and say, “Hey Tom, can you come down to the border to pick us up? We want to come home.”

The mystery of the family’s whereabouts lasted nearly four years. On November 11, 2013, an off-road motorcyclist noticed human bones in the desert near Victorville, California, and notified authorities. The four McStay bodies were found buried in two graves.

Michael called me: “They’re all gone,” he said. It was surreal. I couldn’t grasp it.

A year later, on November 5, 2014, Chase Merritt, a business partner of Joey’s, was arrested on suspicion of murdering the family.

On Saturday, January 5, 2019, I received a phone call from Mikey. We hadn’t talked in a year. We chatted for 40 minutes. He told me the trial was finally beginning on Monday, January 7 and early on, he and Susan would both be called to testify.

Other than that, he could not or did not want to discuss the trial, which I understood. He said the ordeal had been tough on Susan. I think he wanted to talk to someone who knew Joey well, such as his former step dad. Mikey and I have always had a nice relationship.

Mikey said he and his new wife Gaylan McStay live in the North Beach area of San Clemente, near the McStay Memorial Bench, which is on a bluff overlooking the ocean. I was pleased he called.

On Wednesday, January 9, 2019, I took this picture of the McStay Memorial Bench.

McStay Memorial Bench in San Clemente California – Photo by Tom Blake

And now, the McStay family case is back in the news. I’ve heard it mentioned on KNX radio and KFI (San Diego). I’ve read about it in the LA Times and it’s even on YouTube. I’ve seen it on the evening news. Each time I hear about it, it’s like a bad dream.

I keep thinking, “This can’t be the same Joey McStay who called 24 years ago from the San Francisco Airport to have us pick him up, so he could come live with us.”

But it is. And now, we can only wait to see how the trial turns out. There are so many unanswered questions about the McStay Family. Mikey, Susan and Summer’s family deserve closure. They’ve waited nine years.

Photo of Summer, the boys, and Joey. Still impossible to believe it’s for real.
Photo credit: Personal McStay Family photo

5 Incredible Men Champs

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – January 4, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

Our Incredible Men Champs

For our first “On Life and Love After 50” e-Newsletter of 2019, we feature five of our men Champs.

David Southworth lives five miles north of Clare, Michigan, has been a Champ for more than 10 years. He emailed:

“For me, this Christmas was the best Christmas in 17 years. However, one of my Christmas gifts was delivered by my new Internal doctor and I quote, “The results of your blood test tells me you have Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL), albeit minor, early stages. CLL usually grows slowly…you should outgrow it.

“I advised the doctor I had been planning to live to 103. God and I have taken charge.

“In October, I started story boarding a book I have wanted to write for several years, tied into my book, “A Lifetime In Seven Years.” The title of my new book is “A Journey To Me.”

“Now I have several new chapters to write for my book.

“I cherish our friendship and your endless counsel. Let’s make 2019 the best year possible.”

Tom’s Comment: I asked David for permission to use his very personal information. He responded:

“I talked with my children, several grandchildren and, my significant lady. They all agreed if it would provide a more meaningful impact to use my name, we all agreed the information and subject of CLL is so important.

“If it helps just one ‘On Love and Love after 50’ eNewsletter Champ, it would be OK to provide the CLL process, progress, and treatment status.

“I met Marjorie through friends. She is 70 years old, widowed with 4 children, lots of grandchildren. She is a thoughtful, giving, loving woman. She is an antique nut like me. She is always happy and laughing.”

Note from Tom: Dave’s poem, The Sands of Time, is on the Finding Love After 50 website:

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/widower-poem-by-david-southworth

Larry Leach, Ann Arbor, Michigan – Larry and I graduated from Jackson High School,

Jackson, Michigan. He graduated two years ahead of me, in my brother’s class. I didn’t know him well, other than he was a heck of a golfer. Later, he won a varsity letter at UM for golf. He is one of the most avid University of Michigan sports fans on earth.

Here is a photo of Tom, Larry and Greta at a Michigan tailgate party in 2017.

Tom, Larry Leach, and Greta at a UM tailgate party before Air Force Academy game in 2017

Larry emailed: “My hat is off to Champs, Chris and Tina, whom you mentioned last week, for their trip to Africa. With love all things are possible.

“I have three friends who are about 94. One goes to UM basketball and football games and acts like an 18-year-old. Another has been to Paris, Las Vegas, Chicago and much more this year. The third is a real live-wire now in Scottsdale, Arizona. If they can do it, the two champs (Chris and Tina) you mentioned have many more trips in store for them.

“Congratulations to them and to you for your super thinking that goes into your weekly newsletter. I know it is Friday morning when I see an email from Tom Blake.”

MARK FLANNERY – Fullerton, California

You will recall that three weeks ago Greta and I visited Mark’s parents’ grave sites in Pago Pago, American Samoa. He had never been to the cemetery, and I had only met Mark and Donna, his significant other, once in Tutor and Spunky’s deli years ago.

On New Year’s Eve. Mark and Donna, came to Dana Point and spent time with Greta and me. They met on Match.com. Donna still teaches.

Front: Mark and Donna. Back: Tom and Greta at Harpoon Henry’s in Dana Point on New Year’s Eve

There was one other aspect of our American Samoa story that I hadn’t shared with Mark. When Greta and I arrived at the grave sites, there was a lava rock perched on his father’s grave. I carried it back from Pago Pago and gave it to him Monday.

TED EVERINGHAM, Attorney at law, Grosse Point Park, Michigan

Note from Tom: Ted and I graduated from Jackson High School, Jackson, Michigan, in the class of 1957. At our 2017 class reunion, we got to chat face-to-face at dinner.

Ted emailed a story titled: A CHRISTMAS MEMORY:

“My Christmas Eve was cold and snowy in 1960. It was a Saturday evening, and I was working at the local radio station in Albion, Michigan, reading top-of-the-hour newscasts and running the control board for Late Date, a popular weekly radio show targeting teenage listeners.

“The program ran from 10 p.m. until Midnight. The show’s host—a senior at the high school in nearby Marshall named Marcia, chose to close her program that Christmas Eve with a bit of verse. It didn’t rise to the dignity of a ‘poem,’ but it expressed in rhyme an important idea, in simple, homespun language appropriate to the time and place.

“I heard the first line or two through my headset, and then for a reason that I have forgotten (if I ever knew), I turned to look at the host through the glass that separated the control room from the studio where she sat. I discovered, to my surprise, that she was not reading the verse, but reciting it from memory, and she was speaking directly to me through that glass.

“Here is her Christmas wish to me that long-ago evening:

If I could do whate’er I want to do,
To make complete your gladsome Christmas Day,
I would not bring a single thing to you,
But I would come and take some things away:
I’d take away all trouble from your heart,
Each pain and sorrow I would have relieved;
And every pain that caused a single smart,
And every hour through which you sorely grieved.
I’d have them all be gone — forever gone —
Forgotten, like the things that cannot be;
And then each hour would be a joyful one,
For only good things would be left you see.

“Eight months later, the host and I were married, and the rest (59 years) is history. Merry Christmas!”Note from Tom: Ted and Marcia wanted Champs to know that her words to Ted on Christmas Eve 1960 were not written by her. She had seen them and memorized them. Research by them has not revealed the original writer. So, we have to say anonymous. This fact does not lessen the beauty of that moment when Marcia spoke to him through the glass at an Albion, Michigan, radio station in 1960.

John Johnson – Hagerstown, Maryland (80 miles northwest of Washington, D.C.). John commutes about an hour toward Baltimore and works for Northrop Grumman; he has been a Champ for longer than I can remember and has contributed often to newsletters.

On December 23, John posted a wonderful message on the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page. It is too long to include in the newsletter, but the topic is: dragging old baggage into a new, fresh relationship. His words demonstrate that the men in our group are very introspective, warm and giving.

His wrap-up words: “How 2019 plays out is up to you and this is a chance for a new transition within you even when everything else remains the same. Make it a good one and start with an inner smile that flows to your lips to share with others.”

Happy New Year. I feel blessed to have you all as friends.

Senior Travel: 82-day cruise summary

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – December 21, 2018

by Tom P Blake

Senior Travel: 82-day cruise summary

Today’s eNewsletter is short. I want to wish you all Happy Holidays: Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.

This morning at 7 a.m., the Holland America Line ship ms Amsterdam docks in San Pedro, the port of Los Angeles. After 82 days cruising through Asia and the Pacific, it’s time to disembark and go home.

My partner Greta and I feel blessed to have been able to take this trip and are grateful to be home safely.

Thanks for your comments regarding the trip. If you’d like to read and see more photos than what have been posted here in the newsletters, I’ve written about every port we’ve been to on www.Travelafter55.com.

Our last two ports were Honolulu, Hawaii, and Lahaina Maui. Below is a short recap of our visit there.

Going forward, the newsletter will once again address dating and relationship issues for people 50-90. Please email me your comments, questions and observations.

Part 2 – Honolulu and Lahaina December 14 – 15 2018

Hawaii was the final stop of the cruise. On day one there, the ship docked at a pier near the Aloha Tower in the port of Honolulu. About 100 yards from the ship, there was a bus stop for local buses.

Aloha Tower in distance at Honolulu port

For $2, a passenger can purchase an all-day pass, which is what Greta and I did.

Our first destination was the Ala Moana Shopping Center, which must be the largest shopping mall in the world. Shopping at a mall was not how we wanted to spend our day in Honolulu, but I felt I could find a replacement wrist band for my Fitbit, which had become detached a month prior from the Fitbit itself.

We tried the Target Store first, and then Macy’s. Both stores sell Fitbits, but replacement bands are too small of a purchase for them to carry in-store; they told us to order them online. That was it for shopping in Honolulu.

We boarded another bus and headed for Waikiki Beach. Our destination was to have lunch on the beach at Duke’s Honolulu restaurant located in the Outrigger Hotel. At 11:30 a.m., the restaurant was packed.

Duke’s Honolulu sign when entering the restaurant from the beach

After lunch there, we strolled around Waikiki, enjoying the perfect weather. We saw the statue of Duke Kahanamoku, considered to be the father of surfing. Duke passed away in 1968.

Waikiki – statue of Duke Kahanamoku, father of surfing

Waikiki from Duke’s Honolulu restaurant

Hawaii on a beautiful day

A while later, we boarded another bus and enjoyed sightseeing in the downtown area. We saw a lot of Honolulu, while riding around with the locals. It was a perfect way for us to spend our day in Honolulu. We saw some sites we had not seen before on previous visits to Hawaii. By day’s end, the Fitbit—not on my wrist but in my pocket—registered 15,000 steps.

Day 2 in Hawaii – Lahaina, Maui

When visiting Lahaina, cruise ships must anchor a mile or so out in the ocean. Tender boats take passengers from the ship and back to the ship. Seas were pretty choppy that day, and our tender boat was delayed out in the water for at least a half hour, tossing and turning. Finally, we disembarked in the center of the quaint and beautiful city of Lahaina.

The first stop ashore: the Maui Tourist Office, which is just across the street from the Pioneer Inn and adjacent to the largest Banyan tree in the world. The tree was planted in 1873. The Tourist office welcomes visitors with a fresh bowl on yummy Hawaiian pineapple.

Pineapple at the Tourist Information Office

Largest Banyan tree in the world on the town square in Laihaina Maui

Greta and I opted to take a local bus, #28, from the Lahaina Cinema Complex, which serves as the bus station, to Napili Shores, where we had stayed years before with Ted and Mary Kay Bowersox who live in San Juan Capistrano. The cost: $4 per person for the entire day.

Our destination? Of course! Another restaurant with which we were familiar. The Gazebo restaurant, located on a bluff overlooking the ocean. It’s a classic in Napili Bay. Fortunately, for us, we arrived there at 1:40 p.m., 20 minutes before they stopped serving (it’s more of a breakfast hangout but does serve some lunch items). Our food server told us she had seen the ship pass by at 7 a.m. in the morning a mile or so off shore.

Gazebo Restaurant in Napili Shores in Maui

A while later, we enjoyed the hour-long bus ride back along the coast, and returned to the pier in Lahaina. The seas were bumpy and the ride back to the ship was a rocking and rolling one.

When Greta was stepping off the tender unto the ship’s platform, the tender crashed hard against the platform and then moved away from the platform. The gap was too wide to step across. I heard other passengers watching her gasp and shout. However, the ship’s crew members had a good hold on her, thank heavens, and she crossed over to the platform safely. For me, seeing that happen to her, was the scariest moment of our 82-day trip, and gratefully, she was OK.

Our short visit to Hawaii was blessed with beautiful sunshine. Local buses are the way to travel around the islands of Oahu and Maui.

And now, after five sea days of crossing the Pacific from Hawaii, we are back in Southern California. Hurrah!

Here is Greta with some of the luggage waiting for our Lyft driver to take us home to Dana Point from the San Pedro, the port of Los Angeles:

Greta at San Pedro after getting off the ship — Greta is happy to be home after 82 days of cruising

Senior Travel: Mission Accomplished in Pago, Pago American Samoa

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – December 14, 2018

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior Travel: Mission Accomplished in Pago Pago American Samoa

Pago Pago (pronounced “Pango, Pango,”), the capital of American Samoa, was the last port of call, except for Hawaii, on this 82-day Asia and Pacific cruise that my partner Greta and I have been on.

Although not a state, American Samoa is a United States territory, that closely identifies with the USA. The currency is American; the primary language is English, and there is a McDonald’s near the pier where our Holland America ship, the ms Amsterdam, docked.

The country is made up of five islands and has a population of 180,000 people.

American Samoa was an important military base for the USA in World War II. It was attacked once when a Japanese submarine slipped into its harbor. The country has the highest rate of enlistment in the United States military services of any state or territory.

There are 30 Samoans in the National Football League. The two best known were Jr. Seau and Troy Polamalu.

As we sailed in, you couldn’t help but notice how green the vegetation is. The islands get lots of rain. It’s a beautiful place.

Located on the earthquake-prone Pacific Ring of Fire, American Samoa suffered a terrible tsunami after a major earthquake in 2009.

In visiting Pago Pago, Greta and I had a goal. One of our Champs, Mark Flannery–who lives in Orange County, but whom we’ve never met–mentioned in an email that in 1975, his father was buried in the Satala Naval Cemetery in Pago Pago. Mark has never been to American Samoa.

I said to Greta, “Let’s try to find the cemetery where Mark’s father is buried.”

When I mentioned that to Mark, and asked for more information, he wrote, “My father, George Flannery retired from the Air Force around 1970 and shortly thereafter took a job with the government of American Samoa. He died of lung cancer. My mother stayed on the island for about five more years before returning to the mainland.”

Mark added, “I certainly wasn’t asking you to look for my father’s grave, but while you are there, I have a small request. Will you see if there is any sign of my mother Ellen in the same place? She died in Texas about 25 years ago, and her ashes were sent to a friend in Pago Pago, who promised to put her near my father. You are the first people I know who have traveled to Pago Pago since then and therefore able to check this for me and my siblings.”

I said, “I know you didn’t ask, but Greta and I would like to do this for you. And it will give us a goal to achieve on our day ashore in Pago Pago.”

Mark was aware that our visit to the Satala Cemetery might not happen. Our port visit to Apia, Samoa, the day before, had been cancelled for safety reasons by the ship’s captain because of a dangerous swell pushing the ship against the pier.

Mark did research that helped us. He contacted an American Samoa government official about the cemetery and the location of George Flannery’s grave and Ellen Flannery’s grave. The official sent pictures, which helped me see what the cemetery looked like from the road and where the graves were located.

Pago Pago Harbor is more protected from wave surges than Apia Harbor and it was smooth sailing into the pier where the ship docked. I was excited that Greta and I would at least be able to go ashore and search for the cemetery.

At breakfast in the dining room, I saw an American Samoan official who had just come aboard. I asked if he knew where the Satala Cemetery was located. He seemed pleased that we had an interest in it. He walked me over to the window and said, “You see that red transmission antenna across the Harbor?”

“Yes.”

“The cemetery is adjacent to it on the left.”

I recognized it from the pictures Mark had sent. My feeling was: oh my gosh, this is going to happen.

“How would you suggest we get there?” I asked the official.

“Walk out the gate and to the curb where the local buses pull in. Get on one in that direction, tell the driver to stop at the cemetery. You pay $1 each when you get off the bus.”

And that’s what we did. The bus driver had a bunch of white gardenias on the bus’s dashboard. He handed one to Greta. We were at the cemetery in five minutes. We paid the driver two bucks.

Inside our bus on the way to the Satala Cementery in Pago Pago. Notice the flowers on the dash

A typical Pago Pago local bus. No air conditioning, hard wooden benches, but delightful

We found the markers immediately. Greta placed the flower on George’s marker. I went into the adjacent jungle and picked a tropical red flower for Ellen’s marker.

Satala Cemetery in Pago Pago American Samoa

George Flannery’s grave with white flower on marker

Ellen Flannery’s grave with red flower, located next to her husband’s grave

Greta and I spent an hour there taking pictures. Our mission was complete. Except, of course, to email the photos to Mark when we got back to the ship.

We enjoyed the bus ride so much, we got on the next bus to see more of the island. And the bus happened to be the same one as before, with the same nice driver. What a delightful and informative way to see the island. Locals who were on the bus asked us where we were from. They were so friendly and proud of their country, being a territory of the USA.

Later, we took a different bus in the opposite direction from the ship, to see the other side of the island. Our total bus fare for the day, $10.

Mark expressed his appreciation for the effort Greta and I had made and for the eight photos I emailed to him.

The next day, I emailed two more photos—to Mark–I thought. But, in my haste, I wrote, “George, here are a couple more photos.”

Mark replied lightheartedly, “George isn’t able to receive the photos you sent. But I got all of them, and, have forwarded them to my relatives. Thanks again.”

I was horrified at the mistaken salutation. But, Mark made me feel better. He said, “I had a good laugh about this.”

At lunch the next day, our table mates asked how we had enjoyed our day in Pago Pago. When we told them about our mission to visit the cemetery, they said, “When we rode past the cemetery in our bus, we noticed tourists taking pictures of a gravestone and wondered what that was about. My gosh, it was you two, and now we know why you were there.”

Greta and I will never forget our day in Pago Pago, American Samoa. It had special meaning for us.

Note from Tom: Our trip ends Friday, December 21, when we dock in Los Angeles. So, this may be the last newsletter about the cruise (maybe a few trip tidbits and summary will be included next week).

Some Champs have asked for more details. I added the trip’s blog posts to www.travelafter55.com. The home page will open on the most recent post and you can click on the archives in the right-hand column for December, November, October and September posts, which are all about this trip.

But one travel tip learned in Pago Pago I will mention here. A great way to see a city is to board a local bus and ride it to the end of the line and then ride it back. You see countryside that organized excursions don’t always see, and you meet and get to talk to the locals. Plus, the cost is minimal; the experience priceless.

Back in California, Greta and I met with Mark Flannery and his significant other, Donna, for dinner and to talk about Pago Pago American Samoa.

Senior Travel: Is this a cruise senior singles would enjoy? And, visiting Fiji

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – December 7, 2018

by Tom Blake Columnist

Senior travel: Is this a cruise singles would enjoy? And visiting Fiji

Champ Wayne asked, “Is the cruise you’re on one that singles would enjoy?”

My partner Greta and I are in the final two weeks of an 82-day cruise visiting the Pacific and Far East. We return to the port of Los Angeles on December 21. Our ship is the Holland America ship ms Amsterdam. I’ve thought about Wayne’s question often on this 82-day cruise that Greta and I are on. We are nearing the end with only two weeks remaining.

The first answer that comes to mind is: It depends what a single is hoping for when he or she signs up for the cruise. If the purpose is to meet a potential mate, I don’t think it’s the right cruise for that, although it could happen.

Why? On this cruise there are about 850 passengers. I’m estimating the average age of most passengers is 75. I’ve only seen a couple of singles under 50 on the trip. A few times per week, there is a “Singles & Solo Travelers Meet” event listed in the daily calendar, which is placed in each stateroom.

Greta and I attended one of those events, an afternoon gathering, and there were 22 women and eight men (besides us) who attended. That isn’t too bad of a ratio for senior singles events—about 3-to-one, women to men. The average age for that event was closer to 80.

But, from what we observed, we didn’t see any potential couples forming at that event. And, as women often say to me regarding singles events, some of the men were not relationship material.

Granted, couples may have met on this cruise that we don’t know about. But after 82 days, you develop a pretty good idea who is hanging out with whom, and we didn’t notice any newly formed couples.

That doesn’t mean older singles never meet on cruises.

We’ve met five or six couples, usually at dinner, who met on previous cruises and now travel together.

How about the cruise positives for a senior single who isn’t hoping to meet a mate on board? There are many:

The incredible service and food. On this cruise, we’ve been treated like royalty by the hard-working staff. The food: mind-boggling
Events around the ship: movies, lectures, happy hours, morning trivia and evening trivia, a walking deck of about 1/3 of mile, afternoon tea, cocktail parties, workshops, exercise classes, dance lessons and computer classes, and nightly live entertainment, which has been fabulous, with no driving home afterwards.
Fascinating ports of call. Cities such as Tokyo, Tianjin (Beijing), Shanghai, Hong Kong, Keelung (Taipei), Ho Chi Ming City, Singapore, Bali, Darwin, Cairns, Mooloolaba, Sydney, and about 20 lesser-known ones.
Friends you make on board. Many couples have traveled on previous cruises with people they are traveling with now.

True, if a cruise ship doesn’t have a single supplement, the cost for a single can be the same as for a couple, or double. That can be a huge drawback. To my knowledge, singles paid full fare on this cruise.

If singles want a little more singles-type action, there are other cruises that would be more suited to that. Plus, at 82 days, if you’re looking for love, you might take a considerably shorter cruise because once you’ve met everybody on this cruise, you will still have a lot of days with the same people left with no new prospects. That could be a bummer.

Part 2 – “Bula Bula” and “Fiji Time”: A description of the ship visiting Fiji

After three days visiting New Caledonia, the ship made two port calls in Fiji.

On Wednesday, the ship anchored at Port Denarau, which serves as the port for Nadi (pronounced nandy). When Greta and I got off the tender boat that brought us ashore, we didn’t have a plan for the day other than to visit the Garden of the Sleeping Giant, Fiji’s largest orchid collection. On the way there, we passed sugar cane fields near the Nadi International Airport. I took this photo through the front windshield of a truck carrying sugar cane.

Sugar cane truck in front of our taxi

The garden was founded by actor Raymond Burr in 1977, who wanted a place to keep his own orchids. The garden was a 20-minute ride by vehicle from the port. We ended up hiring a guide with a taxi for a three-hour visit, including the garden plus some other highlights in Nadi.

When our taxi didn’t arrive at the scheduled time, our guide, Peter, explained to us the term “Fiji Time.” He said, Fiji is a relaxed, laid-back society. If something didn’t happen as scheduled, it was “no worries, life is good, we’ve still got the earth and sky, and beauty all around us.” As we passed the Nadi International Airport, I wondered if they operated on “Fiji Time,” but didn’t ask him.

I did, however, ask Peter if he played Rugby. I was only guessing, but at about 6’4”, 250 pounds, he looked like he could play the part. He was so big he could barely fit in the front passenger seat of the taxi. He smiled and said yes. Then, he proudly told us about Fiji winning its first Olympic gold medal in 2016, for its Ruby 7 (7 players) team. He said, “The government printed a special $7 bill to honor the team.”

I have a friend from New Zealand who is a rugby nut. Loves his New Zealand “All Blacks” rugby team. I said to Greta we’ve got to get one of those seven-dollar bills to tease him a bit. New Zealand and Rugby are big rugby rivals.

Suva Fiji

The second term we learned in Fiji was “Bula, Bula.” That means hello or good-bye or both. That was especially apparent to us in our second day in Fiji when we docked at Suva, the capital of Fiji, a five-minute walk to one of the largest fruit, vegetable and seafood markets we’ve seen in our lives.

From our stateroom on the ship, I counted at least 30 buses parked in the lot next to the market, and another 10 or more waiting on the street to come into the market lot until another would leave. People arrive by bus from all around the island to pick up their produce for home. From what I could see there is no rail system in Fiji, a sharp contrast to the major cities we had visited earlier in the trip.

Everybody in Suva says “Bula” or “Bula Bula.” I mean everyone. And as we walked beyond the market to the heart of downtown Suva, the natives, probably recognizing us as foreigners, love to say Bula. I think Fiji is one of the friendliest countries we’ve ever been to.

And yes, in Suva, we went into a sporting goods store and asked if they had a $7 rugby bill. They did. I bought it. Cost me $5 USA. I’m gonna surprise my buddy with it.

The Fiji seven-dollar bill honoring the gold medal 2016 Olympic Champions for Ruby 7s

Dating when a spouse has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – November 23, 2018

by Tom P Blake

Dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s Disease

Larry, 76, Toronto, emailed, “Re last week’s eNewsletter about dating a deceased friend’s spouse, I’m in a similar situation. My wife has advanced Alzheimer’s disease, and no longer knows me. She’s been in a nursing home the past few years, and so I’m living a single life.

I’ve reached a point, where I’m ready for a new relationship. I’m really missing female companionship, in all its forms, and need that to change. I’ve started reaching out (with the full blessings/support of family, friends, and professionals), and have dated several women, all of whom are aware of and ok with my situation.

By the same token, I’ve also been rejected by several other women who are uncomfortable with the situation. So, as the article concludes – there is no right or wrong answer. Each individual caregiver needs to do what feels right to him/her.

Tom’s response: On the Finding Love After 50 Website, there are three articles I previously published on this topic under the article categories. It’s the first category listed. Here is the link to those articles:

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/alzheimer-s-dating-when-a-spouse-is

Larry: “Great! I’m off to visit my wife in the nursing home, and will check the articles later this afternoon.”

And then later, Larry wrote: “I just finished reading the three articles, and what struck me immediately, is that I can relate to most of the content in all of them!

“To give you some context, my wife and I have been together for 29 years, and until she went into long term care more than two years ago, we had never spent one night apart. As a matter of fact, we were rarely apart at all, as we worked together. What was our work you might ask? We were relationship counselors, helping couples deal with relationship issues. So, believe me, I can fully understand the issues facing the people in these situations.

“The bottom line for me (and I know my wife would agree), is that one must be true to self, and do or not do what he/she believes to be right. Although input from friends, family, professionals, clergy, etc., may be welcomed, and of some use, ultimately, the decision rests with the individual(s)/couple.

“In my case, I do have the full support of family, friends, and professionals, to reach out/date/socialize, etc., and if I do find another ‘special one,’ then, a committed romantic relationship would be welcome. That new relationship would not preclude my love for my wife, nor impinge on my visiting her regularly.

“If Champs want to contact me, my email is anoldnorthender@gmail.com.”

Comments from Champs (readers) to this article on November 30, 2018

Last week’s topic, dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s, was/is a controversial topic.

I am aware of that. A small number of Champs responded in horror that someone would venture out despite a spouse being in advanced stages of Alzheimer’s. They are sticking by their wedding vows forever. End of story. Regardless of what happens.

One person who feels that way was critical of others who feel differently.

Others, particularly, those who have experienced a similar situation, or are currently experiencing it now, take a much more understanding and empathetic point of view.

My thoughts: This is a topic that couples (not just married couples, but, any committed couple) might want to discuss “what if?” while they are both lucid, clear thinking, and far before the issue presents itself. What each couple decides is right for them is exactly that: right for them.

Widow guilt. Dating a deceased friend’s husband

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – November 16, 2018

by Columnist Tom Blake

Should this widow feel guilty about dating a deceased friend’s husband?

Champ Donna, a widow since 2011, emailed, “My friend passed away from cancer two years ago. Her husband is the man I am talking to now. We live in two different Eastern states, not too far from each other. We are both in our early 60’s, and at the end of this year, we are retiring.

I didn’t know him at all. I have seen him three times in the past 30 years for about 10 minutes just to say hi.

My friend said that she and he never got along over 25 years of marriage. She told me some things about him, but I never commented or added anything that was negative because I did not know him.

I would always try to fix things with my feedback about whatever was going on, as to how she felt about him. My friend–rest her soul–was very opinionated, controlling and bossy with her husband and the children, which I witnessed one of the three times I saw him. It got to a point when my friend and I talked over the phone, we never talked about him.

We talked three times a year, but I was the one that would call, until that one day she called me to tell me she had cancer. By this time, she and he had been separated for 10 years. Now she is gone…their children are grown and on their own, and are not close to him, because of her.

He and I have been talking over the phone for two years. We have become good friends and have a lot in common. I would like to see him, but I have guilt that he was my friend’s husband, hanging over my head.

Now, we are just friends. But what I am feeling guilty about is…if we do start seeing each, how would his grown children feel about us being together?

His marriage and family life were calmly dysfunctional…if you can picture that. We are both reluctant, but I know we will see each other soon. We are not getting any younger.

We are both healthy and able to still have fun before we die, so why not? BUT THE WIDOW GUILT?”

My response to Donna: “Ditch the guilt. Your friend had been separated for 10 years. They had a miserable marriage. Why worry about his children? You say he is not close to them.

If you enjoy each other, go for it, now! Live in the present.

Have you been together in person at all? Do that. You might find you want to be together or you may find you don’t.

You weren’t that good of a friend of hers-talking to each other only three times a year.

One concern: if the family is dysfunctional, do you want to get involved in that?

Wait no longer.”

Senior travel articles should make you happy

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – November 9, 2018

by Columnist Tom Blake

My partner Greta and I are on an 82-day Grand Asia & Pacific Cruise. We have just completed 40 days and tomorrow, November 10, we will visit Singapore for two days.

This week, I received this email from a woman Champ, one of my e-Newsletter readers. I did not edit it, this is the way it came in:

She wrote: “Sounds like a trip of a life time, but Tom did you ever think that maybe these wonderful trips that you take and share with us maybe is a depressed feeling for those who cannot take these trips! for many reasons, one for lack of money or health problems, lacking a partner to go with, I know it makes me a little down at times, just a thought for you.”

My response: I appreciate you taking your time to express your thoughts. I am very aware there may be other Champs who feel as you do.

In the first newsletter about this trip, even before we left Los Angeles on September 30, I wrote: “Greta and I are truly blessed in our retirement, to be able to physically and financially afford to travel to distant lands. We do not take that for granted. We realize there will come a day when we can’t. And we also realize that not all seniors can take a trip like this.”

When I blog or write about travels, many Champs and newspaper readers tell me they enjoy traveling with us vicariously. Nearly all say they want to hear about the trips.

The last thing in the world I want to do is make people feel depressed by my writing.

Greta and I worked very hard to be able to travel. She was a special education teacher for 31 years who raised four children as a single mom. I worked until I was 75. So, we feel we earned the right to travel as we do.

And, I just happen to be a journalist. I write for nine newspapers and every week I publish an e-Newsletter at no cost to my Champs. For years, the newsletter was titled “Finding Love After 50” and I charged for it.

Several years ago, I made the decision that I wanted to write about more than just finding love later in life. I wanted to write about whatever I felt I could do a good job on. So, I changed the name to “On Life and Love after 50.”

And when I travel, I can do a good job writing about it because I am personally experiencing it. I think Greta and I represent people in their mid-to-late 70s well, by setting an example of discovering these countries on our own, seldom taking organized tours. We walk, sweat, are aware of our surroundings and try to avoid uneven sidewalks and steps, and understand the different currencies in all of these countries. It isn’t always easy, or pretty how we do it, but we’re out there.

I stopped charging for the newsletter so that people wouldn’t feel they were being shortchanged by not receiving what they signed up and paid for. And if they didn’t like what they read, they could simply unsubscribe, or just not read that week’s edition.

I have received so many positive comments about these few travel newsletters that I’m totally surprised—and inspired to keep writing about this 82-day trip. One week I had close to 40 positive responses.

We have reached the half way point on this trip.

Champ Andree emailed this week: “I love hearing all about your travels. Thank you for sharing and please keep sharing. Have a fabulous time wherever your headed in this terrific adventure. Peace and safe travels.”

Journalists can’t always write about what makes people happy. That’s not a realistic view on life. I hope I haven’t depressed too many people with these tales of our experiences. If anything, I’m trying to inspire seniors to get out and experience life as best they can.

One thing I will say. Not taking a trip because you don’t have a partner with whom to travel is no reason why not to go. There are many single women on this ship traveling by themselves. One is 97-years-old. And there are many women who are traveling with women friends. There are single women in walkers, electric scooters, and using canes. That didn’t stop them; one can only admire their dedication to living life to the fullest, despite their physical challenges.

So, to this woman reader I say this: If I write about a senior dating success story, where two seniors have found happiness together–and you haven’t–should I stop writing about dating successes? Of course not. The same goes for our travels. If you find reading these positive stories makes you depressed, you have a choice: don’t read that week’s issue, or (and I hope you don’t do this), simply stop reading what I write.

I put my heart and soul into my writing, and that’s the way it’s going to be.