The back nine of life

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 9 2021

The Back Nine of Life

By Tom P Blake – Columnist

Most Champs—except newcomers–know that I write a bi-weekly column for Picket Fence Media, a syndicate that publishes the Dana Point Times, the San Clemente Times, and The Capistrano Dispatch (San Juan).

Newspaper readers sometimes respond to those articles, providing me with information that I think will be helpful to our Champs. Often, the people who respond live in cities and areas other than the three cities mentioned above. Such was the case this week.

For example, take Laurie of nearby Laguna Niguel, California. She emailed, “While reading your article, ‘Senior Singles can benefit from having an open mind,’ in the June 25 issue of the Dana Point Times, it got me to thinking about my sister, who is 61, widowed after only being married for four months in 2013, and she has not dated since.

“I checked out the link to your FindingLoveAfter50.com website and ta-da! There are so many things I could say about it. I watched your Today Show video and the last video you posted about the two ladies. Your advice is so spot on.

“I’m turning 68 this month. My friends and I tell ourselves we are on the ‘back nine’ now (the back nine in golf is the second half of a golf game). I’m not sure which hole in the back nine we’re on.

“I mentioned this to a 77-year-old surgeon I know and he chuckled and said in his Whales accent, ‘Well dahling, if you are on the back nine, I must be in the clubhouse having my martini.’

“My closest friends and I want our lives to be filled with quality time and friends and people who have value to us. Most of us are quite spontaneous, feeling as we get older to ‘try something new’ because we never know what the outcome could be. I loved your website article about who should pay for the date. The perspectives you presented were so interesting and varied.

“I am sharing your website information with several friends who could benefit from your insight. Do you still own Tutor & Spunky’s deli in Dana Point?

“I live in Laguna Niguel, up Pacific Island Drive, and am a frequent visitor to Dana Point.”

My response to Laurie: “I sold Tutor & Spunky’s five years ago, but still drop in for a sandwich to visit with some employees who worked with me. I am proud that the deli is in its 32year.

“I’ve been busy in my back nine of life. I am finishing a memoir about my 25 years opening, running, managing a Dana Point Deli. The book is titled, ‘Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark.’ It should be published around July 17 (it is live on Amazon.com both as a Kindle eBook and a Paperbook version.

Tutor & Spunky's Deli. A Dana Point Landmark
book cover by author Tom Blake — Tom Blake’s memoir finished July 17 2021

“At age 68, you and your friends may be on the back nine, as you describe it, but probably only on the 10^th or 11^th hole. You have lots left to do and enjoy.

“We in Dana Point appreciate your visiting us from Laguna Niguel. In 1989, I lived in Laguna Niguel. One night I went to sleep there and woke up the next morning in Dana Point. I promise I had not been drinking. I hadn’t even left my house.

“That was just before Dana Point became a city on January 1, 1990, and the boundaries of Dana Point were expanded to include the Ritz Carlton and Monarch Beach Areas, as well as Capistrano Beach. So, I understand the city of Laguna Niguel, from where you are coming.

“Now that the pandemic has eased, and you and your friends are willing to try something new, three things are important to keep in mind. These three suggestions apply to singles anywhere in the world, not just Southern Orange County.

Three things single seniors should do

“First, get the body moving. Walking helps. Try tai chi, yoga, water aerobics, dancing, standup paddleboarding—whatever is of interest. Just, get it going.

“Second, get off the couch and out of the house and involved in activities you enjoy. Senior centers offer a multitude of activities. For your widowed sister, there are widow and widower clubs. Many people she’ll meet there will be able to relate to what she has gone through. They would be good places for her to gradually reenter the social world.

“Third, aim to maximize social interaction. People need to be among people—laughing, talking, caring, sharing, and hugging—all of those social interactions are good for a person’s health. Meeting new people is healthy

“Those three things are key for senior singles. Pursuing them will keep seniors from finishing the back nine and entering the clubhouse too soon, unless, like your 77-year old surgeon friend, you’re into martinis.”

Have a good weekend.

Senior Marriage in their 70s

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 2, 2021

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior Marriage in their 70s

I wrote about Cheryl and Matt in the Valentine’s Day eNewsletter this year. Why mention them so soon again? They have updated news that surprised me, and which I felt would be interesting to our Champs. A little background information will be hopeful.

Cheryl and Matt met online on OK Cupid in April, 2016. Cheryl said, ““Matt and I are blessed to have found love in our 70s. However, we do take some credit for our success and don’t believe it was just luck. We were honest when we wrote our profiles and answered hundreds of questions on OK Cupid, and we were honest with each other in our communications from the onset.”

They knew they were meant for each other. There was just one issue. Cheryl had lived in Ohio for 58 years; Matt lived in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan—600 miles away. A senior, long-distance relationship was established. Six months later, Cheryl moved to Michigan to live with Matt.

Five years later

Cheryl said, “In April, 2021, we moved to Ohio, arriving at my daughter’s home. On April 24, we moved into a 35-foot RV we are renting while our house is being built. Moving out of Matt’s 2,600 square foot house has been an adjustment, especially with a 105-pound dog and a cat!

So, I thought that was their news: A couple in their mid-70s, relocating and building a home. But there was more news.

Cheryl said, “Even though neither of us expected to marry again when we first made a ‘rest of the journey’ commitment to each other, after being together for nearly five years, we were married on June 12. We were married in the church I had attended for years while living in Ohio prior to moving to Michigan. Getting married just felt good.

“And there were some financial advantages as well, although that wasn’t the main factor in our decision.

“We had fun with the ceremony, as both of us shared poems we had written previously to each other. The minister read Matt’s poem, ‘How to stay in love.” I wrote ‘wedding’ lyrics to Leonard Cohen’s ‘ ‘Hallelujah,’ which I sang to Matt at the end of the ceremony.

“The lyrics included: ‘I met you on the Internet, I took a chance, I made a bet that we would together forever be, yah.’ There were four verses total.

“We celebrated afterward with dinner with the family at my daughter and son in law’s home. My daughter made the cake. She did a very professional-looking job. And it was yummy, too!

” When I was four years younger and divorced, I never would have expected to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, let alone marry. And I never expected to move to Michigan (particularly, to the Upper Peninsula), and then to move back to Ohio, and be building a house at the age of 74.

“One benefit of pursuing a relationship at our age (70s) is that we know ourselves well enough to recognize what we need and want based on our emotions and practical objective considerations. We are not as likely to simply get ‘swept off our feet’ and make a decision prematurely or based solely on emotion.

“There is still plenty of life to live in our senior years, and I echo your advice to remain open to new and different possibilities. We are never too old to fall in love!”

Age is just a number

Age is just a number
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter
June 18, 2021
by Tom Blake columnist

(The article today has been edited for length and clarity)

Senior dating at 80+ Marjorie & Hans – Love across the pond

Marjorie, 87, (photo above on left) emailed this week about her senior long-distance romance with a man from Amsterdam, “My motto: be interested and interesting. My passion is traveling and enjoying the visual arts.

“My Amsterdam relationship began in 1998 when my engineer companion and I did a house exchange with Hans and his wife, who lived in Amsterdam.
“Hans’s wife died in 2014. He came to California in 2015. We took a trip together and discovered we were meant to travel together. We have crossed the Atlantic six times traveling in Europe and the USA.

The pandemic has limited us to daily Skypes. Will we travel again at our age? I’m not sure. Hans is 84.” The photo of us above was taken in my 90-year-old artist friend’s home (she is in the middle).

More on senior love

Two weeks ago, the June 4 eNewsletter featured three independent women, Paula, Kathy, and Leslie. Champ Art, Margate, Florida, commented about each woman’s situation.

But first, a reminder about Paula, age 75, who moves to a new city every two years or so, and renovates homes, and then flips them. We included a picture of her two Bassett Hounds in that June 4 issue. Paula said, “The only way I can do what I do is to be single.”

Art said, “It’s interesting that Paula has not grown roots, and still has that wanderlust feeling about herself. I’m 82 and find meeting (potential mates) very easy, but I would not want to become interested in a woman who has not found a man to call a keeper or a place to call home by the time she is 75.

And Art said this about Kathy: “Her issue, being allergic to most animals, could never work for me. I love animals and have two cats at home.”

Regarding Leslie, age 80, who met her fiance four years ago, Art said, “I congratulate Leslie on her engagement. Her independence is a trait I admire if not carried too far. Leslie has found her way to thrive in a singles world.”

Art added, “When my wife passed in 2007 I thought that I would never know love again, but by learning how to use POF (Plenty of Fish) and putting a lot of thought into my writing, I have been blessed beyond my expectations.

“I am currently dating a 79-year-old woman who lives about a half-hour from my house. We are both vegetarians, both of us love live theater, and we each find the other attractive and fun to be with.”

Even more on senior love

One of our Champs is Tammy La Gorce, the New York Times “Weddings” columnist. This week Tammy shared a column she wrote about two 95-year-olds who just got married.

She thought I’d like the last two sentences from her article, which are quoted below:
“Nobody starts life at 95,” Ms. Morrow-Nulton said. “But we did.”

“I’m not lonely anymore,” Mr. Shults said. Better still, “I don’t think we’ll get sick of each other.”

Here is a link to Tammy’s story:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/07/style/wedding-bells-for-two-95-year-olds.html?smid=tw-share

P.S. You may be asked to subscribe to the Times’s online edition, for a very reasonable rate.

Part 2 – Champ Larry on Lake Michigan

Grand Haven Sunset Larry — Larry and his daughter on Lake Michigan during sunset

Grand Haven Lake Michigan Sunset – June 2021

Last year, Champ Larry, (above, with his daughter a week ago), contacted me, saying he would be in the Dana Point area and asked if we could meet for lunch. He mentioned that he was retired, single, widowed, living in Florida, and spent summers in a beach city on Lake Michigan.

Having grown up in Michigan, I asked, “Where in Michigan?”
Larry said, “Grand Haven.” I was amazed. I told him that my mom had grown up in Grand Haven and our family had rented a cottage there for a month during several different summers.

“What was your mom’s maiden name?” Larry asked.

“Frances Pardee.”

Larry said, “I knew a man named George Pardee. He hired me for my first job in Grand Haven. He worked for the Peerless Novelty Company.”

I was even more amazed. George Pardee was my uncle. Turns out, Larry was the City Manager of Grand Haven for years, before moving to Florida where he was a City Manager in a beach city there. He and my uncle became good friends.

Larry and I met for lunch and found we had even more in common.
Two weeks ago, he was visiting South Orange County again (his daughter lives here) and we met for coffee for a couple of hours. So, Larry is another Champ who has become a special friend.

Is he single? Well, yes, but let’s put it this way. He seems to have met some nice potential mates in Florida. I’m certain he will keep me posted on what happens in that regard.

Thanks to Larry for sending the photo. I encourage other Champs to do the same thing, along with some biographical information.

Senior downsizing and getting rid of stuff

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter May 21 2021

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior downsizing, relocating and getting rid of stuff

As we age, we start to realize that we may need to make some changes in our lives such as possibly relocating, downsizing, and clearing out clutter and “stuff.”

Last week, the above message was delivered to me loud and clear.
My nephew Derek made a special trip from Dallas to California to meet with me for three hours and then he met with my sister for three hours in heart-to-heart discussions.

Derek’s dad, our brother Bill, passed away on January 19. Derek is the executor of Bill’s estate. And while there was a will and estate plan, Derek said there was so much stuff that executing the estate had been a nightmare.

Looking me directly in the eye, he emphatically stressed the need for older people (as in yours truly) to clear out “stuff” while they still can, and not leave the task for their kids or someone else to try to figure out who gets what, and what to keep and what to toss out.

In some cases, growing older necessitates starting over in one’s life. Today, we share situations that three of our women Champs are dealing with. It’s called “starting over.”

Joanne, Albuquerque, New Mexico On April 24, Joanne wrote, “No one needs extra stress right now. I’m waiting for an apartment on the west side of Albuquerque to become available. It’s HUD so it could take a while.

“In the meantime, I will be staying with friends in Reno. I’ve rented for 40 years and have never been treated like this. We’ve had three property managers in 10 months. When they don’t want to be bothered by you, they block your phone number, etc…

“So, I’m putting my ‘stuff’ in a storage place on May 17 and plan to leave for Reno on the 18^th. It’s a two-day drive from Albuquerque. I’ll stay in Reno to help my friend for a couple of months and when the next apartment is available, I’ll come back to ABQ and live on the west side of town. I swore I wasn’t ever moving again.”

Jackie, Illinois “I’m selling my house, the home in Illinois that Randy provided for me in his will, to move back to Georgia to be near my children. I’m starting over.

“Once I get settled or after I do some traveling, I’ll see if God has someone once again for me as I had with Randy, and like the Italian love story from last week’s eNewsletter.

“I’ve been told it’s a good real estate seller’s market now and I have no reason to be here anymore. I’ll take the leap to put it on the market on May 24. I hope once everything is over I can visit my sister and we came come to another one of your Meet and Greets at your former deli, Tutor and Spunky’s in Dana Point, as we did in May 2019.

“I’m sure you will be giving us an update from last week’s eNewsletter on Annalisa and Carmen. The ‘Where Do I Begin?’ song by Andy Williams took me back to the 1970s.”

Susan, Virginia,

“I hope the meeting between Annalisa and Carmen will lead to something. I am lonely too, been alone for a very long time, was okay with it for a while, but now feeling it much more. I’m getting ready to move and that in its self is very stressful. Downsizing. ‘Where do I begin?’

“I keep shredding paper and there is a lot of it. I got rid of 11 pounds of paper today and about eight pounds last week.

“I don’t have much big furniture, so that is a plus. I once had a big house and moving from that place where my kids grew up was hard. I moved in with my daughter for a while and that was fun. I then moved in with my son, before he was married, and then I moved to an apartment, and now, moving again!

“When my ex-husband passed away eight years ago, he left nothing in order! My daughter handled the estate. It was very hard on her to sort everything out!

“I have to move again because the rent where I am now living keeps going up, so I’m moving to a less expensive place–an over 62 community.

“It has been a long journey for me divorcing in my 60’s and the things I went through. I could write a book on divorcing later in a woman’s life. There was nothing out there at that time to help women and I still don’t think there is now!

“A good divorce lawyer is worth his or her weight in gold. I didn’t have one to protect me, and I didn’t have the money to continue fighting the ex. I also was just getting out of treatment for breast cancer, but, I did walk away with something: my health.

“I am 79 and wishing that I was younger. Having to make a change again at his late date is not fun.”

Tom’s comment: Relocating, downsizing, and/or getting rid of “stuff” can be a pain in the rear, I understand that. But, it also can be a positive new beginning. It’s something that nearly all Champs need to get busy on, especially getting rid of “stuff.” Greta and I know we need to get that done.

And the result of relocating can be rewarding. A new environment will mean new challenges of learning the local area. One will meet new people, make new friends, and encounter new adventures. It’s a chance to start over, to stimulate one’s brain and muscles. It could lengthen and enrich a person’s life.

Good luck to the above three Champs. Please let us know how it’s working out for you.

Senior love story

On Life and Love after50 eNewsletter May 14 2021

by Columnist Tom Blake

“Where do I begin?” was the instrumental theme of the 1970 film Love Story. In January 1971, Andy Williams’ version was released. The first four words of Andy’s rendition are also “Where do I begin?” It is one of my favorite songs of all time. There is a link to Andy singing the song at the end of today’s eNewsletter.

The son popped into my head this week when I received two emails almost simultaneously. And because of those two emails, I didn’t know how to begin this column.

The first email’s subject line caught my attention: “Ciao from Milan.” Greta and I have spent several days in Milan and we love that city so I opened the email.

The email was from a woman named Annalisa, which in itself, is a beautiful name. Annalisa wrote, “I always read you eNewsletters. I am a 69-year-old Italian woman. I have been alone for 12 years since my ex-husband left me for another woman. Our family has suffered a lot.

“I do not speak English well, but I can make myself understood. To write this letter, I am using a translation app so excuse me if some words are improperly used.

“I am looking for a mate who is an American citizen. I’ve been online for 10 years and haven’t found anybody desirable. I am disappointed with the online dating sites.

“You have a lot of acquaintances. You probably know of older men who are lonely like I am. I am looking for a widower aged 67-77 years old who is intelligent, unattached, cultured, and socially active. I reside in Milan and I’d like the gentleman to visit me here. I will host him.

“I do not want a divorced man for the reason that I have suffered and I’ve seen the sufferings of children and families from divorce. I prefer a widower without children for a serious and loving relationship.

I hope you can help me.”

My first reaction was: Doesn’t Annalisa know I’m not a matchmaker? My second reaction: “Wow, this is incredible. A Champ who lives in Milan Italy is reaching out to us. And my third reaction: Annalisa probably doesn’t understand that there are many Champs who live in the USA and Canada who would like to meet a quality older man. Hence, I think Annalisa has competition and a challenge on her hands.

I promptly responded: “I received your email. I need a little time to think about it. I will get back to you.

“Did you say you are willing for the man to come to your country and stay for a while? What about the pandemic, is Italy allowing foreigners into the country?

“Thanks for writing. Your email is one of the most interesting I’ve received in my 26 years of writing columns and newsletters.”

Within a minute after sending my response to Annalisa, another email arrived. It was from Champ Carmen (Carm to me), who lives in Barra de Navidad, Mexico. He and I were high school classmates and have remained friends for 60+ years. Carm was featured in this eNewsletter a few months ago.

Carm wrote: “I’m toying with the idea of selling the place (in Mexico) and moving to Italy for the final few years.

“Plan B is to rent out the place for a few months (would have to be Nov.-April — tourist season here) and spending that time in Italy to test the waters. But that’s wintertime in Italy so I couldn’t do the north that I haven’t seen yet. Do you think I could do it on $2,000/month?”

I read Carm’s email in disbelief. Italy? What a coincidence. I wondered if he and Annalisa might meet in person someday.

I wrote Carm back and mentioned Annalisa and described her email.

Long story short. Within 24 hours of me opening those two emails, Annalisa and Carm had exchanged emails and photos with each other. The thought of them meeting in person wasn’t as far-fetched as I first thought.

And what if a relationship formed? And if they ever married, I hope they’d play “Where Do I Begin?” at their celebration. Maybe the NY Times would want to cover the event (Tom is smiling).

When I mentioned this story to Greta, she said: “Let’s return to Milan.”

Milan was in the news on Tuesday. The world-renowned La Scala opera house reopened after a seven-month closure due to Covid.

La Scala Opera House in Milan

(photo by Tom 2016)

The link to Andy Williams singing “Where Do I Begin?” is below.

Andy Williams singing Where do I begin?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUrxm4z9I-c

9 senior women comment on senior women sharing senior dating expenses

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

by Columnist Tom Blake

In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Wayne asked senior women their opinions about sharing dating expenses 50/50. He said he can’t afford to pay for first-class airfare, 5-star hotels, and pricey restaurants. Included below are the responses of nine women (responses edited for length and clarity):

Bobbi, San Mateo, California, emailed, “I understand the 50/50 arrangement. My partner and I had that type of relationship. Sometimes he would pay the entire bill and then I would reciprocate the next, but most times we shared.

“Some restaurant portions are too large for each to consume so we’d share an order. “I have no problem sharing expenses. I am financially secure so no big deal and it’s only fair to both parties especially with the rising costs everywhere. Unfortunately, I am now single again, as my partner passed some time ago.

“Most women in our age group should be willing to share expenses.”

Bonnie, San Juan Capistrano, California, “How nice that Wayne explained his circumstances, and his wish to have his resources to rely upon through his retirement years.

“California is expensive. I hope that he can continue to live here, as it sounds like he is happy doing so. “For the woman who cares about his life, security, and planning to remain solvent…she will stand out in the crowd and would be worth a relationship.”

Bring your calculator on dates?

Gail, “I see nothing wrong with sharing the cost for entertainment and travel expenses. However, I would add some conditions.

“Each person in the relationship would first have to be honest and committed to each other—- this does not necessarily mean they are married but committed and not still looking for someone.

“Once that is done, they need to discuss with all honesty and be willing to show proof of their annual income. This would be confidential. Their most recent tax return could suffice.

“So now, each person knows the other’s annual income. Then, the incomes are added (just for illustration purposes) and used to figure percentages.

“For illustration: “Female X has a yearly income of $50,000Male Y has a yearly income of $80,000

“Combined the income is $130,000. Female X makes 38% of the total Male Y makes 62%. “Hence, when they travel, dine, or purchase groceries, etc., the female would pay 38% and the male 62%. Our smartphones have calculators, so each person’s share would be easy to figure on the spot.

“I feel this would be the fairest and most honest way to do things. “I didn’t consider each person’s assets- that would be up to the couple.”

Confession from Tom: Gail’s example above unburied an old memory. More than 30 years ago, a woman I was dating and I agreed to share expenses on a trip to New York City. I kept track of every penny each spent (a little anal one would think).

On the flight back to San Francisco (coach class), I said to her: “I calculated what we both spent, you owe me .83 cents.” She went ballistic. That’s probably why we stopped dating.

Shari, “A senior woman who is dating should insist up front that she believes in paying her dating expenses. That puts both parties on an equal footing. In that way, the woman is not beholden to the man. Also, it does not put undue pressure on one party to pay for everything.

“And when both parties pay, either one can suggest places to go without hard feelings creeping in. I wouldn’t dream of letting a man pay for all the dating expenses. Consensus: Avoid 5-star and pricey places.

Sandy, “Regarding Wayne’s 50-50 sharing of expenses: 1) What if the girl of his dreams could not afford half of the first-class flights and five-star restaurants? 2) Would he want to limit his net to women in a specific financial or social bracket?

“Stephen and I are both Champs who met online and married in 2014. While we were both working – there was a significant financial disparity. We were both employed in long-term career positions but his financial remuneration was greater than mine. We both had our own homes and stellar credit scores.

“I addressed this by being transparent about my finances within the first four dates because I was asked about my ‘pension.’ It was my hope that Stephen could decide if I was acceptable including my less than stellar portfolio before knowing each other too long.

“For us, neither finances nor medical history prevented our commitment and marriage.

“My message to Wayne: I could not afford half of first-class airfare or five-star restaurants. He might be throwing away an opportunity with a woman whose value exceeds her balance sheet.

“And not being able to afford those privileges does not mean a woman is poorly educated, lacking in intellect or culture. It is just a financial inequity.”

Gina, “Interesting that Wayne gave the example of first-class air, five-star hotels, and expensive wine and dinners. Does he have to fly first class to enjoy the trip otherwise he doesn’t want to go?

“If he wants to cultivate a relationship with a special-quality woman, he can hold off on the first class and five-star trips and instead be creative with his time and attention and do what he can afford. “If a guy I was newly dating said ‘I love to fly first class and only go to 5-star hotels, let’s plan a trip and split 50/50,’ I’d say no.

“Once there is a strong connection and a desire to spend more time together, within the first three to six months, a couple can have a conversation about travel dreams. The man can be honest about what he can afford and ask how she feels about sharing expenses.

“A man who has similar values, world views, and, is a good listener, and is thoughtful within his means, goes a long way.”

Cris, “The key is to discuss expense-sharing early so your companion knows what to expect. A conversation starter could be ‘I’d love to take a cruise next fall, it would be fun if you could join me. Is that type of expense in your budget?’

“This should open the door to a conversation about future travel and a discussion about what type of situations they would each pay their share of expenses.

“I’m sure many women would have no problem paying their share, especially if the alternative was to not travel at all. And, I bet many women have no problem picking up the tab for dinner once in a while.”

Nancy, “First time responding to your newsletter. “Money is an intimate topic…When I was single I would sometimes make a bet with a friend that money was a more intimate topic than sex.

“To prove the point I would engage a guy at a bar in a conversation which eventually led to a discussion of sex–likes, desires, things they had tried, etc. They spoke openly. But when I questioned their net worth or annual income, they clammed up!

“I can afford to share expenses with my significant other but I would much rather offer to do it than be surprised when a check arrives or I feel obligated to contribute a pre-arranged amount.

“Looking back over the last year together, I can say that my ‘voluntary’ contributions have greatly exceeded 60%….and I don’t feel bad about that because it was voluntary. And I must admit I enjoy seeing him smile when I randomly pick up a check, suggest we have dinner ‘on me,’ or prepay a hotel bill.

“My advice to Wayne is to discuss the topic of sharing expenses, in generalities, and suggest that he and his partner share expenses informally, but do not expect a rigid 50/50.

“His misfortunes are not her problem. Figuring out a fair way to share expenses is…as a couple. Not by edict.”

Kathy, “If I were dating right now I would want to split expenses; I don’t like to feel that I owe anyone, anything. Paying my way has always made me feel like I’m an equal partner in a relationship.

“When I remarried my husband after four years apart, we came into the relationship with separate checking accounts and a household account that we both pay equally into monthly. It works great, I wish I’d done this the first time around.

“There’s no discussion when I come home with a bag of new clothes or even a new car that I’m spending his money, or too much money. It’s made life so much easier.”

Senior Marriage – Will our Champ’s Wedding be in the New York Times?

Will our Champ’s wedding be in the New York Times?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 30, 2021
by Tom Blake Columnist

Senior Marriage

When Champs share their stories and situations with all of us, positive results can follow.

First, the stories often help people who have had or are currently involved in similar experiences and sometimes predicaments.
Second, when we cast our nets far and wide, unexpected positive results can materialize.

I admit that last week when I sent out my eNewsletter for the first time using email-provider Constant Contact, I was holding my breath. I hoped I wouldn’t screw up with the new format.

I wrote about Ginny, age 80, and her significant other Harry, 87, who are contemplating marriage. Champs were amazing, responding in droves giving “thumbs up” to the new eNewsletter look and Ginny’s and Harry’s story.

One of the first responses blew me away. It was from Tammy La Gorce, the New York Times “Weddings” reporter. She wrote:

“My Friday wouldn’t be complete without your newsletter. I love the new look! Not sure if you remember me — I’m the NYTimes Weddings reporter. “Ginny and Harry’s wedding would be a great one to feature in our section. Would you be able to ask Ginny if she’d like to be featured and if so, when they’re planning to be married?

  “Here’s a look at my latest column:
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/16/fashion/weddings/weddings-marriage-utah.html

I immediately responded to Tammy’s email, writing: “Yes, I remember you. I just heard from Ginny. I know she would love to be in your NY Times column. Hence, I am copying this email to her so you will have each other’s email addresses. “And you have my permission to use whatever you want, if anything, from today’s eNewsletter.

“Too bad you weren’t writing your “Weddings” column in 1968. I was married (the first time) at the headquarters of the Episcopal Church, which was located in NYC at 2nd Avenue and 43rd Street.

“After the ceremony, everyone in attendance walked over to a restaurant named Nell Gywn’s on 42nd Street across from Grand Central Station. We were carrying the altar flowers and lots of people honked and waved at our group. Twas fun. “Let me know if things proceed with Ginny and Harry.”

Tammy responded: “Yes, wish I had been there in 1968 but I hadn’t been born!”

Egads, Tammy’s comment reminded me that I was married for the first time 53 years ago. Holy Toledo! I wonder if our Champs can remember when and where they first married?

Ginny and Tammy have touched base. Ginny shared the email she sent to Tammy: “I was surprised and very pleased that you want to write about Harry and me. I think we may have compromised on a November wedding. But I will let you know for sure, as soon as I can get a definite answer from Harry.  Ginny”

I thought Ginny’s comment: “…we may have compromised on a November wedding.” was hilarious. Sounds like Harry isn’t moving too fast to make the wedding happen.

I hope Ginny will keep us updated and maybe we’ll read about her wedding in the NY Times.

Senior dating: walking on eggshells

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – April 2, 2021

by Tom Blake

Senior dating: walking on eggshells

I have never received 29 responses from a newsletter, until this week. Why did we strike such a chord with the story of Corinne and her man friend Tony of eight months, who told her he didn’t think he’d become her life partner? Now, she’s afraid to tell him she loves him. She is afraid he will leave.

With so many responses, I edited this column for length and clarity. As it is, the column is still long but there were so many sage comments that I chose to include them. Your voices are being heard:

Today, the voices of 29 Champs are being heard–loud and clear

Sandy wrote: “In my experience, men who ‘bail’ on a relationship will continue this behavior. Those who exit when facing challenges should be regarded for exactly what they are – ‘sunshine friends.’

“There should be no delusions that this man with his track record is going to stay when life gets tough.

“Whatever decision Corrine makes, it should be with both eyes open and not engaging in wishful or magical thinking.”

Glen, “Tony isn’t ‘senior marriage material’ or even a life-partner kind of guy. His track record speaks loud and clear and Corrine will find herself heartbroken if she continues to think otherwise. She would be wise to pull back on this dating relationship (that’s all it is and will ever be) and count her blessings that she didn’t make any other foolish mistakes with him (i.e., selling her home).”

Donna: “This woman should be thankful that she has had so many great relationships. If this guy dumps her it’s not her fault. She has to be true to herself and express how she feels at times.”

Wayne: “Given Tony’s track record (3 divorces and living with and leaving multiple women) he’s high risk for exiting the relationship. The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. As long as she is prepared for a hasty exit at some point, then dating Tony is fine but she better be prepared emotionally if he leaves. She has to decide if dating Tony with a very uncertain future is better than looking for a quality companion who has a better track history and who is looking for a long-term, exclusive relationship.”

Shelley, “I see red flags with Tony. He ‘leaves’ when relationships don’t run smoothly? Not acceptable in my book.”

Maria, “She needs to take each day as a treasured gift. Why push for a guarantee? I would ask her to look inside herself and ask why she needs it? Her neediness just might ruin things. Don’t pout over it. She’s lucky to keep finding men who are so compatible and fun.”

Thyrza, “I cannot understand why Corrine is dreaming of a life with this man. How is he beautiful? Find one who is responsible.”

AJ (woman), “This joker is a love ’em and leave ’em type. Look up ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’ as a dysfunctional type of guy. He fits it. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?”

Joanie, “There are 4- 5 women to every man….so men can move easily from one to another. A gigolo guy who can’t make commitments and take responsibility uses his charm to move among them. He splits as soon as there is a request for him to make a commitment or take responsibility. His charm is how he gets sex and companionship and sometimes money. There is always a woman who will expect less and take less.

“His past shows what he is. No woman should fall for the ‘only game in town.’ Her attitude should be ‘better alone than a fearful slave to some guy who is not worthy of me!’ Under no circumstances should she have him live with her.”

Althea, “If Corrine tries to nail him down to definite answers, he will most likely RUN. She is afraid to say “I love you.” That’s walking on eggshells; I know the feeling too well. We women need answers and like to plan so we can see the road ahead. If Corrine wants him in her life, she might have to live on a wing and a prayer.”

Larry, “They are both who they are! He does not want a lifetime relationship, and she does. Some day he will be moving on. A conundrum!

Joanne, “She says one thing but her actions and reactions say the opposite.”

Anonymous woman, “I am having similar feelings in my relationship. Is it that women of a certain age don’t want to be alone and we are willing to put up with things that lead to insecurity? When we are looking toward the future, it makes living in the moment and relaxing difficult. It is a constant head game for me to balance enjoying the moment with questioning whether this moment is going to lead to a future.”

Jackie, “I feel sorry for this woman who is not in a truly loving relationship as she is always wondering if he will leave. His record tells that answer: He’s living the thrill. She needs to enjoy life and be happy in herself without the need for another. I keep telling myself, I may be lonely but I’m not needy. The best thing would be to enjoy the time with this guy with no expectations for a future.”

Sue, “This is a sad story. Desperate for this man’s attention- she’s willing to put up with his uncertainty…which is crumbs. I ran into men like this during my online-dating years…she’s the flavor of the month- or maybe the flavor of this year…but he will move on.

“He has 100% revealed himself- so he isn’t the bad guy… she’s deluded to think she is ‘the one’ who will change him…I’ve had to tell many of my GF’s, ‘He’s not that into you’- the most famous and true of all book/movie lines! She seems to be one who can meet and connect- she should go fishing again.”

Art, “An old dog does not learn new tricks. Tony has been unreliable for many years and I think Corrine’s insecurity is well warranted. I don’t know if it’s boredom, but whatever the underlying cause is, Tony has already said he does not know if he’s that life partner for her. If nothing else, he has signaled that he is not on the same page as Corrine.

“I think she should keep looking and start to back off on telling him that she adores him. I don’t see a forever relationship down the road.”

Teresa, “ By sharing his background, Tony told Corrine that he is not interested in settling down. He likes to change partners. If she wants a long-term partner, she would be better off breaking up with Tony now, so she can use her spare time to find a better partner.”

Belinda, “Tony doesn’t want a partner; he wants to play. As he ages, there are more and more available women for him in the dating pool. It’s a shame he has the ego that keeps wondering what’s just around the corner instead of being able to commit to what’s here and now.

“Corrine would be best served by keeping her options open, dating several men at a time, and not rushing headlong into a one-sided commitment with these guys.”

Jeanne: “Corinne and Tony are not on the same page. She might have to keep her thoughts and words to herself all the time for him to stay – and even that might not be a guarantee.

“Though she is having fun and is happy with him there is a dark cloud on the horizon. I think it’s difficult to stay with anyone for just fun and laughter, and nothing bigger. Sometimes one has to leave a person one loves because that person is not a good candidate for a forward-moving relationship.”

Mary Ann, “Corrine lives in a dream world. She ignores many red flags. She is kind of desperate with no confidence. She may end up alone.”

Stella, “This man bails when it gets too comfortable. Talking about the future with him is futile. Corrine wants to corral him, tie him up in a nice little package, and live happily ever after. Ain’t gonna happen with this guy. As long as there are no strings attached, he’s happy to hang around. Enjoy what he has to offer and don’t ask for more.”

Bobbi, “You have a satisfactory relationship, don’t scare him off. You know his track record. Why rock the boat? Just enjoy your time together and don’t anticipate his leaving. He can feel your worry. Try to exude only good karma.”

Bob, “All she has to do is stop overthinking and then not mess this up. I am not advocating any course of action on her part because I suspect there are additional facts, circumstances, and nuances that only she can evaluate in making a decision.”

Helen, “This poor lady’s thoughts and activities made me thankful I am happy and content as I am! I would not have said that 20 years ago and so I understand her.”

Alicia, “My opinion is to remain friends and not be exclusive. He seems to be a great friend with benefits. That’s okay if that’s what she wants. But if not, start dating others, otherwise, she will always have that disappointment of the relationship not becoming more.”

Amy, “Sounds like Tony is happy to have a fun relationship with no strings attached until someone else catches his eye. Corrine needs to decide if she is fine with the same type of relationship knowing at some point Tony will move on to someone else. Call it what it is, friends with benefits.”
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Linda, “My message is: enjoy the time you have together with your mate today and not worry about tomorrow. Life will take its place the way it is supposed to. Have fun and be well.”

Bonnie, “If it walks like a duck, and looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. This man has provided all the details in black and white. The lady needs to grasp that. By saying, ‘wasting my time,’ the lady acknowledges that she knows that he is. Retracting her comment does not change what she already knows in her gut.”

Jennifer, “My take is that she blurted out the words “I hope you’re not wasting my time,” which might have been insensitive, I suppose, however, it is what she is feeling. Each woman should look for what she wants in a relationship and not sell herself short.

“She wants to tell this man ~ I love you, but she is afraid. This is not good. I believe she is setting herself up for a huge disappointment and most likely will be left. Why would she feel that she was going to be the one to change him? I say, cut her losses and move on. Ask for what you want and if one won’t give you that, then another one will.”

Tom’s comment: Thanks, everybody. With your comments, you have given Corrine plenty to think about. Where else could she get so much sage advice at no cost? And thanks to her for having the bravery to share her story with us. Perhaps down the road a bit, she will provide us with an update. We all wish her the best.

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Housekeeping notes from Tom: (1) Some of you who respond to the newsletter have commented that the email address that pops up is kind of strange, that it’s not my usual tompblake@gmail.com. The strange address is us-e3b7ea…@inbound.mail.com. Explanation: Recently I switched to an upgraded Mail Chimp program because we are constantly adding new subscribers. (Mail Chimp is the service I use for the eNewsletters). Don’t worry about that–either email address works fine. I will receive them both.

(2) Some of you have asked why you are receiving two newsletters each week. The reason that is happening is if you don’t open the Friday newsletter by Sunday, I resend it. By doing that, usually, 200-250 more people open and read it. I am not trying to bug you. If you open your Friday newsletter and then receive the same newsletter on Sunday, please let me know. That has happened in a couple of situations.

Senior woman is afraid to say “I Love You” to her man

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – March 26, 2020

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior Woman is afraid to say “I Love You” to her man

(Today’s column has been edited for length and clarity. Names have been changed at woman’s request).

Is Champ Corrine overthinking her relationship? Did she put unnecessary pressure on her new man friend? Here’s her story.

Corrine wrote, “I was married for 24 years (1^st and only marriage) and divorced in January 2018 at age 63. Six months after the divorce I decided to go online (OurTIme).

“I couldn’t believe my luck. Within three months, I met two men face to face, both on the same day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Both men were very nice; but I enjoyed meeting Richard more, the afternoon date.

“We immediately started dating and were committed to each other rather quickly. He had been in a 15-year relationship and was anxious to meet another woman. We were exclusive in that neither he nor I saw anyone else and spent every weekend together. We lived about 25 minutes by car from each other.

“We got along fabulously. We had some differences, but nothing so significant that it would be a relationship deal-breaker. We played golf and pickleball, went to movies, cooked together and, did things around the house. After nine months we talked about a future together with the possibility that he would rent out his house and move into mine.

“On June 2, 2019, I was supposed to go to his home for dinner, but was tired and didn’t go. I called and texted but no response. I figured he was upset with me and I didn’t think too much more about his not calling back. On June 4, I received a phone call. Richard had suffered a massive heart attack and died. My world was shattered. This lovely, beautiful man was taken too early from us. He was 68; I was 64.

“I mourned and grieved and did not go back online for nine months. Then Covid hit. I messaged a few men, but no long-lasting connections were made.

“In July of 2020, I met Tony, We hit it off instantly, even during Covid. We have been in an exclusive relationship for eight months. He lives a half-hour away. Tony is a beautiful man, inside and out. He was married three times and in each case, he left his wives. He has also lived with a few women and I believe he left them as well. When Tony becomes ‘unhappy’ he leaves, but he says he always tried to work it out first.”

Tom’s comment: Might Tony’s track record of leaving relationships be a red flag, although Corrine feels he’s a beautiful man?

Corrine continued, “We spend every weekend together. We have so much in common. We love to dance, discuss politics, play golf, pickleball, and even take bubble baths together.

Couples who dance together, often make great partners
photo by Tom in Madrid

I laugh as I have never laughed before. We have an intimate relationship and you would never know I am 65 and he is 71. We act and play like we are 35. So one might be asking, ‘What is the problem?’ I love Tony very much. I believe he is my soulmate. I don’t tell him that because I don’t want to scare him or put undue pressure on him.

She wants a life partner

“However, not long ago, I did say to Tony, “I want a life partner. Not marriage, but a partner to spend the rest of my life with.”

“He shocked me by saying: ‘I don’t know if I am that life partner for you.’

He indicated that with his track record, he was surprised I would even want him for my life partner. He said he now feels some pressure in the relationship. I can’t imagine ever being happier with another man and quite frankly can’t believe he could be happier with another woman.”

Tom’s comment: Can Tony be happy with any woman? He’s bailed on three wives and “a few other women.” That’s another red flag.

Corrine added, “I didn’t mean that we should move in with each other. What I was trying to convey is if things continue to be this good, I would love to have him in my life as we enter the final chapter of our lives.

I then made a mistake by saying, ‘I hope you are not wasting my time,’ which of course, created more pressure on him. The following day, I felt so bad, I told him he is not wasting my time, that every minute, every day, that I spend with him, is glorious and I am happy for whatever time we have with each other.

Tom’s comment: The words: “I hope you aren’t wasting my time” were a poor choice by Corrine. Who knows what thoughts those words put into Tony’s head.

Corrine resumed, “My worry: Will he leave me and run because of what I said? Some friends think I should be grateful for this beautiful man and enjoy today and be thankful for the moment and not worry about tomorrow. Others feel I was being true to myself and simply telling him my expectations. I don’t want to lose him. Did I screw it up, by discussing my desire for a life partner?

“A couple of months later, things are still very good between us. I do not bring up my ‘life partner’ comment nor marriage (which I don’t necessarily want or need).

“I’m afraid to tell him I love him but do say, ‘I adore you.’ He says the same to me. I just somehow wish I knew we will be together in the years ahead. I know there are no guarantees in life, even when you are married, but I just feel somewhat insecure, which is not typically like me!

“I want to make plans and talk about the future. AND NOT JUST ABOUT NEXT WEEKEND.”

What do you Champs think?

Senior women seeking men: stop trying so hard

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – March 5, 2021

by Tom Blake – Columnist

Senior women seeking men: stop trying so hard

(Note: This eNewsletter has been slightly edited for length and clarity.)

Two weeks ago, this eNewsletter put Sarasota, Florida on the senior dating map. How? Margaret, one of our Champs, had purchased two rental properties there. She mentioned how friendly the people living there are, and that she’s met many senior single men. I, tongue-in-cheek, raised the question, “Is Sarasota a mecca for senior singles?”

Last week’s article featured responses, which I selected, from 11 Champs about what Margaret had written. Oh my gosh, those responses were all over the place, not to mention the ones I didn’t include.

Some enjoyed what she said, others took shots at her, some made false assumptions, and some wondered why women are even looking for a mate at this stage of their lives.

And the latter point is the subject of today’s eNewsletter. I’m including responses from two women about why women shouldn’t be so focused on finding a man.

Plus, I’m sharing Margaret’s impression and thoughts about the diverse responses to her Sarasota article.

Please note: these are not my opinions; I am merely sharing what Champs have said.

Champ Bev emailed, “I moved to Florida three months ago, and while I did not move to Sarasota, I must say that a person will be happy wherever she or he ‘chooses’ to be happy. When people stop focusing on just meeting someone, marriage, etc., and instead start to focus on what brings them happiness, they will be happy anywhere. Happiness begins from within you, not from meeting someone to fill empty holes.

“You need to start by filling the holes yourself. Once you are right in your heart, the rest will naturally fall into place. I liked what Kathy said about not expecting a line of senior single men at the airport in Florida, hoping to meet women. I think that is true of any place, and we need to remain realistic otherwise disappointment sets in.”

Althea shared, “Your newsletters are always interesting. Your Feb. 26 article was cool. I like how you include people’s comments. Maria’s comment was right to the point when she suggested that for all the complaining and searching that some women do to find a single man…that those women were too ‘man-hungry.’

“I wonder why divorced, single or widowed women over 65 need a man? Especially so desperately. If they are set financially, have a home, have family and friends around them, why do they need a man to date, or live with? Haven’t they all been there, done that?

“If they accidentally by fate meet a man and the two of them have things in common, sure, why not spend time together? Great!

“But why the need to go looking and acting so anguished and desperate? Are senior women–after they have lived with a husband for 40, 50, or, 60 years–unable to live alone?

“I can understand the ones who need a man to live with to share finances. But the drawbacks and possible problems that could arise might outweigh the benefit. Been there done that. I’d rather live in a tent.”

Margaret said, “The funny thing about the Sarasota article is that at age 65, I am not looking for a date or a relationship as I am very busy with my family, friends and maintaining my properties right now. Maybe sometime in the future.

“I kept reading in Tom’s eNewsletter articles about women wondering ‘where the men are?’ and thought the Sarasota demographics were interesting. My suggestion to women who are looking for a man is to stop trying so hard.

“Go out, enjoy life, be active, have fun with girlfriends and/or men friends, start a book club, play cards, go hiking, bike riding, walk and travel. Life is too short and precious to waste ‘isolating’ at home or ‘waiting’ for the right person to come along. And, when I do go out, I wear a mask, contrary to what a couple of Champs assumed.

“You can choose to let life get you down and have a negative attitude but it will show in your face, body language, what you say, and/or complain about. Or you can choose to pick yourself up, be positive, and look forward to all the wonderful possibilities.

“These past few years I have lost family members that I loved. Then I lost my health due to a bike accident. I could have isolated at home and felt sorry for myself, but I had wonderful friends and other family members that supported and loved me and most importantly made sure I was not alone.

“Through their love, I was able to live life happily again. Some ‘holes’ that Bev talked about will never be filled when a loved one is lost, but there is always hope for happier days ahead. The Florida properties have kept me busy and I am grateful for that. Spending time with my childhood best girlfriend who encouraged me to buy in Sarasota has been such a sweet blessing and helped me in showing me around Sarasota. She was originally a CA girl but retired with her husband in Sarasota.

“Lastly, we can choose to be a “Negative Nancy” or a “Positive Polly.” I think the reason I have met so many nice men in Sarasota is that I am friendly, have no problem being the first to initiate a conversation (This does not necessarily involve flirting, just laughing/joking while waiting in line at the grocery store or asking for help at the hardware store) and I am generally a happy person, quick to smile or laugh and interested in what the other person has to say.”

Something to ponder

Wayne (written with a big smile) asked, “I got my second Covid vaccine shot. Should I put that on my dating profile?”

My comment: Hilarious. But it’s a good question in that it may reveal people’s different opinions on the government’s and health-care experts’ mandates regarding COVID-19.

Keep the comments coming so I can keep the eNewsletters coming.