Love After 50 – On Life and Love after 50

Deceased partner’s photos

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter June 6, 2025

Senior Dilemma. When should a deceased partner’s photos and belongings be put away?

A woman recently emailed with a heart-wrenching question that many seniors face. She requested to remain anonymous, so I shall call her Sue.

Sue wrote, “I met my sweetheart online a year ago. Although he lives 30 miles from me, he says it’s worth the 40-minute drive. I am happy he feels that way.

“What are your thoughts on my him still having his dead wife’s clothing in their closet? She passed away 10 years ago. I discovered this when he invited me to spend the night at his place, when I took my overnight bag upstairs. Additionally, all her old perfume bottles are displayed on the master bathroom counter. It was disconcerting to me to say the least.”

“I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.”

My reply to Sue

“I understand the dilemma. Greta, my partner of 25 years, passed away 2 and ½ years ago. I have many pictures of her and us together around my home. I am slowly moving the pictures to a box in the garage. I realize my life has changed and it’s time to move on.

“It’s hard as the pictures represent so many memories, but I need to do it. Thanks for the reminder. Let me know how it goes.

Your question gave me a nudge.

“In your situation, Sue, especially with your boyfriend being a widower of 10 years, the woman’s clothes in the closet need to go.

“Plus, no woman is going to want to use the left-over perfume bottles, so they also need to go. Are there other signs around the house that he might still be in grief?

“Have a talk with him and do it nicely. Is his reason for not removing the items because he is still mourning or that he just got complacent? When Greta passed, her kids removed her clothes immediately, which I appreciated.

“After a year together, your boyfriend should want to make you happy and perhaps he’ll remove those items or have someone do it for him. The clothes could be donated.

“Your question will benefit many seniors who find themselves asking, “What should I do with my ex-spouses or partner’s photos?’

“If your sweetheart refuses, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Does he talk about her often? My feeling is he cares a great deal about you and will move on in his life with you.”

Sue responded, “Thank you, Tom. I just found it so creepy that he hasn’t done the removal himself. We’re going on a trip in July. I asked him if he could please have her things taken care of by then.

“I hope it works because otherwise he is a wonderful, loving and generous man. He did remove his wife’s name and birth/death dates sticker from the back of her old car. But he’s keeping that car as an extra vehicle. He claims he’s over her. Still, I can’t help but wonder.”

There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.

Previous comments by Champs on this topic

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be buried. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were in love and had pictures of both their former spouses around. They talked with each other about adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again.

“When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new partner of the nature and profound depth of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Hopefully, these sensitive replies will help widows, widowers and non-married partners who face this understandable dilemma. There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.

A Senior Man’s first-date jitters

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
May 9, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

A senior man’s first-date jitters

Bill, a widower in his mid-70s, emailed me for guidance regarding an upcoming first date with a woman he met on Match.com.

I thought it might be interesting, particularly to our women Champs, to know what a man thinks about before and after a first date with a woman.

Bill wrote, “I met an attractive woman on Match.com. She’s 10 years younger. She and I agreed to meet for coffee at a location about halfway between where we live, a two-mile drive for each of us. From her profile picture, she is pretty. I’m a little nervous. Her name is Jackie.

“We talked over the phone and knew at least we had a good conversation before we got together. That is a must for first-date people!”

“Can you give me any advice?”

I replied, “Is this your first date since your wife passed away?”

Bill answered, “No, I’ve had a few dates, but I’m not exactly Joe Stud, you know. But I’d like to impress her.”

I said, “Relax, I can tell you are nervous. But that’s ok, after all, this could become your future mate. Just slow down and calm down.”

“It goes without saying to wear a clean shirt. Smile when you greet her and shake her hand. No hug or kiss when you first approach each other. Men tend to talk too much when they are nervous. Be sure you ask questions about her. Encourage her to talk. Make direct eye contact with her. Smile. Use first-date etiquette; actually, any date etiquette.”

Bill said, “Thanks, that will help me break the ice. I will talk for no more than 40 percent of the time and ask her questions. Her profile says she still works full time. I will let you know how it goes.”

A few days later, after his first date, Bill sent me an update. “It went okay with Jackie. She is pretty. Will we see each other again? Probably. It could happen, but I’m unsure. Frankly, it wasn’t a great connection. She didn’t ask me many questions. I’m 6’ 1; she’s 5’6”—so that works for me. Not too tall and not too short.

“You kind of know if a woman is very interested, somewhat interested or not interested in you. She is somewhat only. But who knows for sure?

“She is divorced and didn’t talk about her ex at all. When I mentioned my wife, this woman sort of felt bad but had no questions about me. When I talked about my interests, the conversation didn’t go very far, but we stayed with her interests and travels.

“It possibly could go somewhere, but I didn’t think she appreciated the breakfast sandwich and beverage because I would have liked a nice thank you for my effort (liked she kind of expected me to pay and I guess that’s ok.)

“She steered away from future plans. I didn’t ask if she wanted to get together again or make any future plans.

“We didn’t get into politics and talked about schools, kids and travel. I probably could have gotten a little more personal and asked what she thought of me. But I don’t want any rejection. We talked for over an hour, so it was going ok, but probably not a strong connection.

“So where does this go? I’m not sure and I’m not clear about my feelings. I could reach out again, but I may leave the ball in her court for her to reach out to me if she is interested enough. So maybe I will ghost her or send her a text in a week to see how she is doing.

“I mentioned a few ideas about walking together on a hike near the beach or something and got no response on any idea she might have to do something. So, no, the date success wasn’t 100%, but more like 35%.

“At the end, I gave her a small hug, but she wasn’t responsive. So, it left me thinking, ‘Do I want to pursue her anymore?’ Maybe there would be too much work involved. She still works and seems busy. Perhaps some of my thoughts may help her. I want some kind of gratification or some kind of future interest to make me think that she and I want a relationship.

“Oh yes, I said at the very end, ‘Do you prefer a text or a call? She said ‘either.’ So, she could be still in it, but not who knows? Maybe it’s me because of my feelings. I don’t need to start chasing or try to create a fun experience. I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere.”

Tom’s Comment: So that’s how a nice gentleman feels. If there’s any message in Bill’s story for women, it’s that if you like a guy like Bill on a first date, be a little more assertive, showing affection like a kiss on the cheek and saying, “Let’s get together again.” And ask him more questions. However, what Jackie did may indicate that she doesn’t want to proceed seeing him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Senior dating sure has its challenges.

Is 83 too old to date?

Are children affecting your relationship?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 18, 2025

by Columnist Tom Blake

I had a wake-up call on Monday morning while preparing this week’s eNewsletter. My phone was about 15″ from me on my desktop. The loudest warning alert I’d ever heard from that phone jolted me shortly after 10 a.m. One second later, when the house began shaking, I realized a strong (5.2) earthquake was happening.

I hustled to the rear patio to get outside. I looked to my right. My neighbor Jake was outside holding his phone. I looked to my left. My neighbor Aaron was outside holding his phone. We agreed the quake was a doozie. Over 35 years, I’ve felt four earthquakes while inside my home. This was the scariest. Fortunately, there was no damage.

Like the Pony Express, the mail must go through. Despite unusual circumstances, the eNewsletter must be published. Have a safe week, Champs.

And now, this week’s topic:

Kids Interfering With Parents’ Relationships

A month ago, a woman, Champ, 76, living in the Midwest, wrote me about children interfering with her relationship with a man she’s dated for five years. Let’s call her Jolene. It’s not her children who are creating the problem; it’s her boyfriend’s kids and grandkids who are causing it. She wondered if I had ever written about these kids interfering with their parents’ relationships.

Jolene added, “This nonsupport situation by adult children affects other senior couples we know, in addition to us.”

I checked my Findingloveafter50.com website and was surprised to find that I have written on children negatively affecting senior relationships at least once each year in the 31 years I’ve been writing newspaper columns and eNewsletters.

To read previous eNewsletters, including how kids adversely affect their parents’ relationships, simply click on the website link above and search for the categories section. Once there, scroll down to the “Senior Dating With Children Involved” listing.

I never had children, so I’m not an expert on this subject. However, I was in a relationship for 25 years with Greta. She had four children, eight grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. I knew how important family was to her. She spent a lot of time with them, which was fine with me. I was often included. I was blessed; I had a wonderful relationship with each one of her family members.

However, somewhat related to this topic, after Greta passed away, I was immediately ghosted by the kids and grandkids. I never understood why, but I guessed it was because she included me in her estate.

The details of why and how kids affect their parents’ relationships vary greatly. It seems to me that often, the biggest reason is money. Kids, I’ve been told by Champs, are concerned that they are going to lose their inheritance to their parents’ mates or lovers. That was Jolene’s boyfriend’s kids’ concern.

Jolene added, “Shouldn’t the children be happy that their father has found love? And shouldn’t they leave our relationship to us to navigate? Rather than being thankful that their dad is happy and well cared for, all that matters to them is the money they imagine they might lose. Such a pity.

“The ironic part of this melodrama is that if they were smart, they would be kissing up to me to get part of my estate when I die! I am the one with the money.” I relate to that comment by Jolene.

Jolene continued, “Today, I spoke with an elderly woman who told me her son was not speaking to her because she had taken steps to leave her assets to her grandchildren and not her children, who were already quite well off. I comforted her by reminding her that the money was hers and she could do with it what she pleased. It was her decision not her son’s decision. She thanked me profusely.”

Jolene finished by asking: “How do Champs feel about children negatively affecting relationships? I’d like to hear their experiences.”

Tom’s comment: Hopefully, Champs will let us know. The details of every situation involving children affecting senior relationships are different. It could be money, jealousy, insecurity, favoring one child vs. the others, missing the deceased parent, or the child’s demand on the parent’s time — whatever on the children’s part, or even on the adults’ part.

If children are affecting your senior relationship negatively (it’s more common than you think), talk about it with your mate to reach a middle ground, and visit a therapist or marriage counselor if necessary.

Reader Responses To Gummies vs. Alcohol in Senior Dating

On Love And Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 2, 2024

By Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

Responses From Champs to Gummies vs Alcohol

Two weeks ago, the eNewsletter included a woman’s comments regarding a Gummies vs. Alcohol issue she and her boyfriend of four years were having.

She wrote, “I still work so I don’t drink alcohol during the week. However, come Friday and Saturday, I like nothing more than opening a bottle of Chardonnay and enjoying it while making dinner. It can take the ‘edge’ off from work.

She added that if she goes out, she won’t drive if she has more than two glasses of wine.

Also, she said, “I see my boyfriend of almost four years on weekends only. We live 30 miles apart. He would rather I not drink. There was a time he drank too much, but stopped 15 years ago, cold turkey, just stopped.

“However, he does like to smoke pot on occasion and ingest cannabis-infused gummies. I must say the gummies are loads of fun and, together we have a great time when taking them. We dance, laugh, tell silly stories, etc.”

Tom’s comment: (I wonder what she means by “etc?” I see a couple of you smiling at that comment.)

She continued: “The problem is I still prefer my Chardonnay over the gummies. He would prefer I stop drinking alcohol and just take the gummies. He swears they are way better for me than alcohol. So, we argue about Gummies vs. Alcohol. What do Champs think?

Eight Responses From Champs

Only one man responded directly to this issue. Two men said they were looking forward to reading the responses. Several men talked about non-related topics.

Here’s what the seven women said:

ST (a woman Champ) “Gummies vs Chardonnay – what business is it of his? This is manipulative and controlling. Give in to his demands and who knows what awaits down the line? He should keep his own council.”

Beach Girl, “It’s a good thing that the gummy lover lives 30 miles away and only sees Ms. Chardonnay on weekends. He had a problem with alcohol so he’s transferring his past issues onto her – it’s a control thing. Tell Ms. Chardonnay to enjoy her wine and ignore his preaching. If he doesn’t lay off, dump him.”

Linda, “My thoughts about Chardonnay versus gummies are she should have her glass or two during the week when she’s home. Maybe the gummies on weekends. I guess she isn’t telling us the truth and is drinking during the week too. I don’t believe everything people tell me.”

Jeanne, “Driving on gummies is just as bad as on alcohol!”

Althea, “I think this anonymous woman has already figured it out. She wants to know if this relationship will work when she drinks, and he does not. He takes cannabis gummies, she does also, but only to please him.

“They live in separate homes and have been seeing each other for four years, so apparently the arrangement is working out for them.

“She said they probably will never move in together because they like their own homes and that the alcohol vs. gummies issue might cause problems if they did. So, what is the real issue? They are in a LAT relationship, and it will last as long as the arrangement is working, and both are content. Right?

“Though I wonder how often he is trying to get her to stop the alcohol and instead take gummies with him, because to me that is a small red flag, controlling behavior.

“Bottom line: If you care (love) someone you take them as they are, especially in our senior years when our long lives have made us who we are and change of habits rarely happens.”

Kaitte: “Short and sweet. That’s the pot calling the kettle black–his gummies. His problem; not hers. She enjoys her wine after working all week. If a man consistently told me what to do, the weekender would be no more.”

Elenute, “Hopefully, there are some things they enjoy about each other besides whatever substances he or she uses.

“My former boyfriend tended to have one drink a night and drank socially occasionally. I don’t drink at all. It was never a problem for us.

“As long as neither one drives high, it’s up to you to drink or do gummies, whatever you prefer. Why is he telling you what to do? Is there a pattern there?”

Jim, “I hope the woman communicates her desire to enjoy a glass of wine to him so he understands more. He shouldn’t be trying to change the situation now or ever.

“He should realize he won’t change her; he needs to back off and enjoy getting the ‘edge’ off in his way. This gummies vs. alcohol issue isn’t worth losing the relationship over. They both can adjust and still have fun together. She seems open to using gummies at different times whereas some people won’t be open to gummies at all.”

Tom’s reply: I was surprised that so few men commented, but Jim’s words are well-spoken. After reading all the opinions, mainly from women, I realized–as a man–that maybe this isn’t a big deal. For many senior couples, it may not be an issue at all.

I asked my partner, Debbie Sirkin Psychotherapist, to read the above comments. Her response was like mine. Both of us felt he wasn’t trying to control her by getting her to stop drinking wine.

What Debbie picked up on is that the women who responded may have been ‘projecting’ things from their own lives that may have been problematic for them, either in the past or present.

Debbie added, “I think Althea summed it up best.”

So, Champs, enjoy your wine or pot or gummies, but the important thing is “in moderation.” And if your doctor insists that you stop drinking or smoking pot, consider changing your ways.

Please keep your emails coming. Next week, it’s the Super Bowl and/or Valentine’s. Which to write about? Such a dilemma.

Trisha needs a therapist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

October 13, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

Conflicted over senior dating. Responses to Trish’s situation. She’s a disgruntled woman.

In last week’s eNewsletter, we wrote about Trish, 62, who divorced 10 years ago. By her own admission, she is “an angry woman” and questions whether she can ever love again.

And yet, almost daily, she sees a man who adores her, a Southern “roughneck” and a “redneck” as she described him, who helps her for free with maintenance projects around her house. There is no physical aspect to their relationship. She said she worries about hurting him.

Several Champs responded, sharing their opinions. Here’s what 12 women and four men (a 3-to-1 ratio) emailed.

What Women Said

The first response came from Champ Delores, who emailed, “I cannot imagine why a 62-year-old woman, or a 69-year-old man, would accept a no-physical-contact relationship. She truly does have deep-seated issues and if I were that ‘redneck’ man, I would run as fast as I could, since eventually, her obvious disdain of him will wear him down emotionally and mentally.

“Why do that to someone? Let the guy go! And to be angry at what one was ‘dealt’ to you 10 years ago? Take responsibility and move through it! I do not think feeling/acting the victim is a great way to show up for your grown children.”

Margaret, “No physical stuff. She must be kidding.”

Kaitte, “I’m 71, single for 23 years, living at a poverty level, but doing ok. I can’t imagine living with anyone full-time. I don’t want to be responsible to anyone.

“Trish, talk to him and be honest by laying all your cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may. If he wants to set you up financially, he can do so without marriage. If you can’t imagine life without him, go for it.”

Deanne, “Here I sit, widowhood wiped out my confidence and I just can’t get out there and flirt. I know I’d be a good catch, but it seems like I’m starting all over as that anxious teenager.

“I was with my husband for 33 years and never realized how time flew. I’ve got to get back on the horse. I think I might need a wingman and all my friends are married and live out of state. I truly appreciate your wisdom and you are now a member of our loss club. I wish I had signed up for the Golden Bachelor.”

Terri, “Trish needs to see a therapist. A letter to a columnist may list the issues, but it doesn’t deal with the issues in the healthy way that sessions with a good therapist can. I hope she sees someone, it can make a world of difference in the quality of life, and in how we face the challenges of health, aging, and love.

“How do I know? Life has not always been kind, people have not always been kind, and I’ve survived lots of losses, survived serious health issues, and dealt with my life issues in therapy over the past several years.

“Get going, Trish! Nothing is promised in life, but life can be very good!”

Susie, “Trish’s story is similar to mine, and it hit home. I could not express my feelings as she did in her message to Tom. I am much older than her, but hope I can feel the magic again.”

Virgina, “Trish needs psychological assistance to get herself straightened out. So many mismatched red flags: her lifestyle that she has never adjusted to but is physically and unfortunately now committed to. She does not embrace her current physical surroundings because of past roots and her social upbringing lifestyle, which seems to be on the opposite end of the social spectrum than his. This is a big red flag, even if they were both in love, which they are not.

“The future for happiness does not bode well. It’s not fair to keep him around just for the surface conveniences. He may be a redneck, but he should not be taken advantage of just because he’s found someone he considers would normally be ‘out of his reach.’

“Trish can find a good handy man, and rent a cruise boat if she wants, but give this man a chance to find happiness emotionally, let him go for his own sake before it’s too late in life for him to do so.

“You were right, Tom, to direct Trish to seek the help she obviously needs with a professional counselor. Life is too short and unpredictable to spend years unwinding so many unsolved issues at our age.”

M (woman Champ), “Regarding the Bob Seger In Your Time lyrics, mine is that life Seger sings about, and my life isn’t easy, but I’ll get through it. I’m doing all I can to cope but now I’m in the throes of the storm. And I know that in the long run, my life will be better than it is now. I’m working very hard to meet the challenges.”

Rhen, “I’m guardedly happy for her but God ‘Gave’ her to him? She seems as she has discovered herself and is set to respond and initiate life beautifully. But she is too self-focused to realize she should let this guy go! Then you have a man who views their time together so deeply differently that it seems heartbreaking to continue such an endeavor.

“Her words jerked me back and forth as she went on. Show this poor man some mercy and let him go find a lady who will embrace his giving spirit and talents. I’d also bet he has some needs that are being unmet because he’s thinking his God has him serving her.”

S, “If you don’t love-’em, you’re using-’em, period. She needs to work on whatever demons haunt her. It’s interesting that she works in mental health.”

Regina, “Reading about Trish’s situation, I thought of the saying, “One woman’s trash is another’s treasure,” because she just isn’t feeling it for the dude. I want that guy! She should let him loose and give me his number!”

Laurie Jo, “What the HELL is wrong with this woman? Good grief! I’m so upset at her! I can’t even keep typing. Maybe more tomorrow when I’m more cogent and less mad.”

What male Champs said

Larry, “I feel this lady has not been direct and honest about the extent of her negative feelings. If she has him read your column and he still sticks around, he is a masochist! She is stringing him along because she has no other current options.”

Art, “I look forward to your weekly column and always find it interesting. I especially enjoyed this week’s edition since I have dated many women after I was widowed in 2007. After a few months of mourning, I joined Meetup.com, and POF (Plenty Of Fish).

“I have since dated at least 35 women, some once-and-done” lunches, where I always picked up the tab, and a few became long-lasting friendships and relationships.

“I have had numerous other relationships over the years, and another one was over before it fully blossomed.

“I am now dating a woman who used to live in my development and has now moved to a very large condo development of over 8,000 residents, which is 15 minutes from my home. We have known each other for more than 10 years. She is 78; I am 85.

“We go to the gym together three times a week, and to dinner each night after the gym. She occasionally makes dinner for me, and both of us love musical theater. We have seen at least a dozen shows, and currently have tickets to four shows in the coming months.

“We are best friends and I do not want to lose her by seeing someone else on the side. At my age, I am OK with being in the friend zone.

“Before my wife died, she and I were talking in our den. She said, “Art, I know I am going to die, and I want you to go out and have a life after I’m gone”. I tried to tell her that I thought she could remain alive for a long time, but since she had early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, I knew she was right.

“I think every one of us has to live the life we feel is best for us, but not close our minds to change.”

Jim, “Trish wants validation but not romance. I think she is wasting her time with this guy she calls a hick when she might meet the right guy for her if she can open up and not be so closed-minded. She doesn’t have it for the guy. She will never have it for this guy. But I did like how you handled it. Maybe this is good for her since she may be opening up in her own way slowly.”

David, “Trish simply does not trust a man, men if you will. Trish’s memories have now become an invisible wall, an invisible barrier, handicapping her from being able to savor life.”

I Don’t Want To Hurt You But…

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter

September 8, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

I don’t want to hurt you but…

The double-whammy of senior dating

An email from a woman Champ this week inspired today’s topic. She’s 70, and her partner of 11 years passed away months ago, which devastated her. She’s trying to dip her toes into the senior dating waters. One thing she’s done is to go online.

She wrote, “For weeks and weeks, a man who lived an hour away and I texted and had long and fun conversations. Finally, we met in person. It felt like we knew each other. There he was, a nice tall man waiting for me at the table; we sat there for three and a half hours, laughing talking, and sharing.

Tom’s comment: Weeks and weeks were too long to wait. When single seniors have an interest in each other, they should try to meet in person as soon as possible. In that way, if there is no connection, little time has been wasted. People sometimes fall in love with an image, someone they have never seen face-to-face, and that usually doesn’t go well. You must see someone in person to judge the chemistry.

She continued talking about the first date, “He wanted to see me again and kissed me several times before I got in my car. Once home, I got a text saying what a great time he had, and couldn’t wait to see me again. Then nothing, no text, no email, no phone call, ever again. I checked the obituaries to ensure he hadn’t passed away.”

She had been ghosted by him. She was still hurting from losing her mate and meeting him had provided a little hope, which had built up over the weeks. She was vulnerable and his disappearance hurt. Not a huge hurt as it was only one date, but that rejection added to the big hurt.

She had suffered what I call “the double-whammy of senior dating,” which is when you are still grieving a big loss and then you incur another loss on top of the big loss.

Another Champ, a widower, shared his story. He said, “Seven months after my wife passed, I was trying to combat senior loneliness, so I tried online dating and met several women. No one clicked. Either they weren’t attracted to me, or I wasn’t attracted to them, or they lived too far away. Plus, ages were misrepresented (claiming they were younger than they were) and photos were deceptive and not properly dated.

Then, one Saturday night, a nice woman online reached out to me. We had an instant strong mutual attraction. She lived within five miles of me.

“She still worked and had children somewhat nearby, so her availability was limited, but we made the most of our time together. I was slowly growing fond of her, and she also of me, but to a lesser degree, which she reminded me of at times.

“We had amazing chemistry. I cared a lot. Sometimes we’d take a break from each other, but we always reunited a short time later. We didn’t have an exclusive agreement but neither one was dating anyone seriously. At least that was my impression and I assumed neither one of us was sleeping with anyone else–at least I wasn’t.

“She started finding fault in me and told me she didn’t want to be tied down to one person. Something had changed in her feelings toward me. She reminded me that we were both free to date others, which was a small dart in the heart, but we continued to see each other a couple of times a week.

“Then, recently she said, “I don’t want to hurt you but…” She was going away for a few days. And it was not to be with her kids and grandkids. She went to the same far-away city twice with no explanation to me. I surmised that perhaps she was sleeping with another man she had met online, although that was never verified. After she returned the second time, I questioned her and she said she didn’t.

“On top of the passing of my wife, I had lost her as well. That really hurt. Two losses in less than a year.

“Her version of what happened in the relationship would definitely be different. There are always two sides to a story. But I think I’m a pretty good dude so I must roll with the flow and try to find someone whose life I can enhance and who loves me as well.

Tom’s comment: This man’s story is another example of the double-whammy of senior dating. Losing someone you care about while still missing your spouse or life partner. As the two stories above reveal, it can happen to both men and women.

My advice to the woman who got ghosted is to pick yourself up and keep trying. Don’t give up.

My advice to the man is to continue putting yourself out there. You know you will meet other nice women. But, keep in touch with her because you and she have such a strong connection, that she may rethink her position. She might come to her senses and realize she might lose you and maybe you will be back together trying to work it out.

The man’s story reminds me of the Neil Diamond song “Solitary Man.” See the link below. There are actually two links included in today’s eNewsletter.

True, there can be other losses that are difficult to deal with while grieving the big loss of an ex-spouse or partner. The loss of a dog or other loved animal can be a subset of the double-whammy of senior dating. How much pain can people tolerate?

There may be some Champs who feel that both of the above people decided to date too soon after the loss of a loved one. That’s not the issue here. Everybody heals differently. And as Elvis once said, “Don’t judge me if you haven’t walked in my shoes.”

The Bottom Line

When meeting a new potential mate, through an introduction by a friend, or while walking your dog, or, even online, proceed with caution and don’t wear blinders. Realize that you are still going to miss your previous mate, so, you’re already vulnerable.

But let’s say something clicks with a new person and you slowly find yourself caring for him or her. You wonder, “Can this really be happening to me?” Be sure there is honesty and trust established.

Chemistry might lead to intimacy. Enjoy and relish that. But watch out and listen for red flags. If the person constantly refers to an ex-lover, or starts finding fault with you, take that as a warning sign. You don’t want to get unexpectedly bopped by the double-whammy of senior dating.

Links to two appropriate songs

While writing today’s eNewsletter, I thought about two songs. Both are linked below.

Neil Diamond’s “Solitary Man.” I love the trumpet player and the other guys on the horns.

Here’s the link. By the way, this recording of the song was recorded at Hot August Night III at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. Greta and I were there.

Link to Neil Diamond

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?&q=solitary+man+by+neil+diamond&&mid=F20E9AED677C369D1046F20E9AED677C369D1046&&FORM=VRDGAR

Neil Diamond “Solitary Man”

And I also thought about the song by Rod Stewart and Amy Belle, “I Don’t Want To Talk About It,” (how you broke my heart). It’s a classic whammy love song. The link is below.

The song is accompanied by the Royal Philharmonic orchestra. Watch particularly for Ms. Bell’s captivating smile and the incredible woman Saxophone player! And finally, how the audience nearly takes over the song near the end. Rod and Amy love that as well.

Link to Rod Stewart and Amy Belle

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=rod+stewart+and+amy+belle&mid=5D232BAAC961D04CE3FA5D232BAAC961D04CE3FA

Rod Stewart and Amy Belle

Home alone with only dogs for company

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 18, 2023

By Tom Blake columnist

Home alone with only dogs for company

People often ask where I learned to write, expecting to hear a reply like “At journalism school.” Or, they ask, “Have you always been a writer?”
I reply: “No journalism school. No formal writing classes, self-taught, and prompted by an unanticipated Christmas holiday event.

In 1993, I was in Santa Rosa, California, visiting my 82-year-old mom, as I did every Christmas holiday, and at least once a month. Santa Rosa is a nine-hour drive from Dana Point where I lived then.

My wife of six years, and her two boys, said they wanted me to have alone time with Mom so they opted to not join me on the trip.

I telephoned home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no one answered. I thought that was strange, as I was unaware of any plans they had made.

On the morning after Christmas, Mom and I were having breakfast at her home. The phone rang. I answered. It was my wife calling.

She said, “Hi honey. We had a great Christmas. I’ve been busy at work. The weather’s been wonderful, and we moved out.”

A bit stunned to say the least, I said, “What do you mean you moved out?” Mom heard my seven words, and her hackles went up.

My wife replied, “Just wanted to let you know. Gotta go. Everything’s fine.” And she hung up.

I hugged Mom goodbye and proceeded to drive back to Dana Point. I didn’t know it at the time, but that nine-hour drive was the start of my writing career.

Why? I had a notepad on my lap. A million thoughts went through my mind. I reminded myself to not be a distracted driver.

As best I could, I jotted down my thoughts. A word here, a word there. Short, incomplete sentences. The first item: What about my dogs, Amy and Kira? Were they gone? Were they still there? Had they been fed or left with water?

The next item: Why did she do it without us discussing it first? By the trip’s end, I had a mishmash of notes on the notepad.

When I pulled into the garage, my dogs barked. They were okay, nothing else mattered, at least at that moment.

My wife and her boys had taken what furniture and household items they wanted and didn’t leave much. I described that in the notepad, which became the start of a diary. I was puzzled, perplexed, and pissed.

A month later, while serving sandwiches during lunchtime at Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point, California, deli, in front of customers and employees, I was served with divorce papers! And, as I was doing every night, I went home and jotted down my thoughts in what then had become sort of a woe-is-me diary.

In two months, the divorce was final. Shortly after the divorce, at age 54, I decided to start dating again, thinking I’d be king of the hill, because lots of single women came to the deli. But those women didn’t want to date a broken man in his early 50s.

Oh my gosh, reality hit harder than I had ever imagined. As I sat on barstools at Brio, Hennessey’s, and other local singles’ hangouts, I’d add the dating misadventures into the diary. Sitting on barstools, I honed my writing skills.
After five months, I converted the notes from the diary into a short story. I edited the material 25 times. It was about 75 pages. I thought I could get the story published.

I sent query letters to The New York Times, LA Times, Playboy Magazine and Esquire. No response. The Orange County Register recommended I contact the Dana Point News, the Register’s community paper in Dana Point.

After reading my short story, the two women editors—Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn–agreed to an in-person meeting.“What do you have in mind?” They asked.

I had no idea, so I just blurted out, “Maybe I could do a dating-after-50 column from a man’s point of view whose wife dumped him at age 54 and he’s trying to date.”

They said, “That’s what we were thinking. You are whining and complaining so much about the cost of dating, and being rejected by all sorts of women, including younger women, we feel the single, middle-aged women of Orange County will have a field day reading your male point of view articles.”

My column was titled, “Middle Aged and Dating Again.”

The first newspaper article was called, “Home alone, with only dogs for Company.” It appeared July 7, 1994–29 years ago–in the South County Lifestyles section of four Orange County Register community newspapers.

Sherrie and Dixie were right about the vitriolic responses from women.

The first comment was, “Who is this sniveling puke?”

The second: “Get the boy a crying towel.”

And the third: “He complains that younger women won’t go out with him. It’s a wonder any woman will go out with him.”

Welcome to the 1994 dating trenches, Tom.

Soon the column appeared in 10 OC Register community papers. And then for eight years, it was also in the Register itself, the nation’s 20^th largest newspaper, as well as the community papers. Opportunity had arisen from adversity. The unexpected move-out by my wife turned out to be a blessing in my life.

Eleven years ago, in 2012, I was fortunate to join the team at Picket Fence Media—the publishers of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch. My column title, “Finding Love After 50.”

I learned last week that Picket Fence Media has been sold to the Times Media Group, a collection of 29 newspapers in Arizona and around Los Angeles.
My publisher told me that the new owners want me to keep writing my columns. There’s a chance that my column might be included in even more newspapers. I hope so.

The number of columns and eNewsletters written in 29 years is approaching 4,600.

Why was that divorce 29 years ago the best thing that ever happened to me? It launched a writing career that has been more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. It brought appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.

And more importantly, it opened the door for me to meet Greta, a partner with whom I shared so many incredible experiences in the 25 years we were together before she passed away last October.

And now it’s back to being single. And because of you Champs, I realize I am not alone in trying to find a new direction and maybe be fortunate again to find a mate. We’ve got lots of Champs who are widows, widowers, never-married, and divorced people who have suffered a hell of a lot more adversity than I have. Many are grieving now.

Please hug them, listen to them, and be friends with them. There’s a huge cloud of emptiness and loneliness around them, which I can relate to.

Have things changed on the dating scene in 29 years? Not much, except now there is online dating with romance scammers on every Internet dating site. Plus, now, instead of focusing on dating after 50, the focus includes dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—hard to meet someone compatible. And as we age, women tell me there aren’t enough men.

For those who have suffered a major setback in life, try–as hard as it is currently for you–to include social interaction in your routines.
Join groups, help each other, give lots of hugs, and be thankful for life. Look for that seed of opportunity to soothe the pain. It’s out there somewhere, you just need to keep an eye out for it.

Have a purpose in life, whether it’s volunteering, gardening, sewing, joining a book club, or enjoying your friends and family.

And pray for the people of Hawaii, especially the people of Maui.

Thanks to you women and men Champs for being so important and special in my life.

Senior dating: Who Pays for the Date?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
August 11, 2023?
Who Pays for The Senior Date By Columnist Tom Blake

Who pays for the senior date?
The man, the woman or do they share?

An email from a long-time Champ inspired today’s eNewsletter.

Cheryl wrote, “I’m 68 and gave up on dating, especially online, because I was getting a lot of overseas scammers and I also experienced a group of men who were classless, meaning, they were cheap.
“I don’t need anyone to pay my way, but in my life, I’ve experienced people who have the means to treat me to the niceties of life and were happy to do it.

“I’m always surprised that women say if a man pays for dinner, the men expect something else, (like a roll in the hay)-so crass. I’m not sure what to think about men who don’t at least buy a drink or a light meal that might make a nice impression. If they don’t, am I to think they might be frugal and the rest of my life with them will be lacking in the things that I enjoy?”

Tom’s response to Cheryl: “I always pay. Sometimes a woman will strongly insist she pays for her own expense on the first date. And if I don’t let her, she will be offended so I let her. However, I’m old-fashioned, I’m very casual when the bill arrives. I’ll break her hand if she reaches for it. That’s how my parents raised me.

Cheryl responded, “I’m glad you shared with me that you pay. I’m not a feminist and also have old-fashioned values even though I have been a businesswoman and savvy real estate and stock investor (only saying this because some of us women are financially stable and not looking to take advantage of men). I guess there’s a group out there who ruins things for everyone.”

This “Who Pays for the Date?” issue has been a concern in senior dating for years. In fact, I wrote and published an ebook titled, “Who Pays for the Date?” in 2009.

In thinking about Cheryl’s “Who Pays” question this week, I went to Smashwords, my online ebook bookstore (the second largest ebook bookstore in the world after Amazon.com), and reread my book.

Humbly I say, it’s a wonderfully entertaining 16-page book and right on the money (pun not intended). Very little has changed in 14 years. I’m offering it to you Champs today for $1.99 (remember it’s an ebook, not a printed book). Most of what I wrote still applies today. See the link to the book at the end of today’s eNewsletter. Here’s a short excerpt from my 2009 book about my personal friend Buddy.

“Since Bobby and the woman were meeting in her neck of the woods, 15 miles from where he lived, he asked her to select the restaurant where they would meet. This was Buddy’s first mistake; he was no longer in control of where he’d be spending his money on a woman he’d never met.
“Early the next morning after their first date, the e-mails started flying my way. Buddy wrote, ‘Nicki has expensive tastes! I would have preferred a coffee shop, but what could I do after I was at the expensive restaurant?’”

Lesson learned. Buddy was foolish for asking Nicki to pick the meeting place. Since he initiated the date, he should have taken control and suggested coffee in a less expensive place. When men are paying for a first date, they shouldn’t give the woman carte blanche to choose where to meet. If a woman offers to pick the place, the man should say, “Thanks for the offer, but I want our date to be special, so I’ll choose the place.”

Champ Jim said, “I think men should pick up the tab on the first few dates and share the costs occasionally after–if the women financially are capable to help. The women don’t need to pick up the bill but going Dutch or at least offering to pay is a start. Some women expect the man to pay it always and never offer to help.”

Tom’s comment: Two weeks ago, I agreed to meet a woman who lived 30 miles away. I was going to her city on another project so I figured I’d multi-task: complete my project and meet a nice new person I’d met online. We agreed on 3:30 p.m. for coffee in her city. I asked her to choose the meeting location. She mentioned a restaurant. I didn’t check on it online, but soon found out it was an elegant, high-class, expensive French restaurant.

My drive to meet her, which normally takes a half hour, took two hours due to traffic problems. So, I needed a glass of wine, not coffee. When I got to the restaurant, I was seated outside at a patio dining table. The woman arrived a few minutes later. Instead of coffee, we each ordered a glass of wine.

Since the restaurant was empty, a waiter kept bugging us about ordering appetizers or an early dinner. I wasn’t hungry; she was. She ordered dinner, fresh sea bass, caught locally. I had a Gazpacho appetizer: $14.00. The bill for our wine, her dinner, my soup, and the tip was $162.43. I paid without batting an eye but cursed at myself for letting this happen.

Lesson learned. Going forward, I will designate the place and that our first date is for “coffee only.”

Three days later, I met a nice woman at a coffee shop near my home. When I got there, she had already bought and paid for her coffee. I got a coffee for me: $3.29. We had a delightful time.

Also in 2009, I was a columnist for The Orange County Register. I quoted an article I had read titled, “Courting Costs Are Yours, Too, Ladies,” by humor columnist Amy Alkon(www.advicegoddess.com). Amy wrote: “If a woman considers herself a man’s equal, her equality shouldn’t evaporate when the check comes. The point here isn’t calculating each person’s outlay to the bent dime. Just that dating shouldn’t send men to the bankruptcy court and women to the mall.”

In that column, I added, “Men want to see a little jingle come from the woman’s purse to help contribute to the exorbitant cost of dating.”

Tom’s 5 tips in 2023 on who should pay for the senior date

1 On a first date, the man should almost always pay. No matter if the woman wants to pay her half. However, the man should designate the place to meet and the time, and always specify, “coffee,’ whether he or she drinks it or not. Optional: tea. And the man should designate the place if he initiated the date.

2 On the second date, the man should also pay. UNLESS she suggests a pricey outing. If that’s the case, I feel the man needs to step forward and say something like, “That’s a bit out of my budget. I just paid my daughter’s Harvard University tuition and I’m on a tight budget now” (or some similar flimsy excuse).

3 If two seniors become a couple, on the third date and going forward, a discussion on “Who Pays?” needs to happen soon. This is where love, understanding, caring, and sharing enter the picture. Communication takes over, a key to senior relationship success.

4 When the woman is more comfortable financially than the man, they need to lay the cards on the table and work out an amenable arrangement. This is where fairness and a willingness to compromise enter the scene. And that may enhance the longevity of the senior relationship.

5 If he always pays, she can equalize things by cooking him dinner at home.

Link to Smashwords, the eBook bookstore:

Link to Who Pays for the senior date?

Take A Chance On Me

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

June 30, 2023

Take a Chance On Me

A Woman’s Fear of Dating a Friend

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

Betsy’s dilemma A woman Champ, 78, requested that her name not be used, so we’ll call her Betsy. And Betsy has a dilemma, which she explained.

“I have given up on dating, but I have friends I go out with every Thursday. One is an 80-year-old man who lost his wife three years ago after 55 years of marriage.

“He lives in my retirement community and is a nice man. He has shown an interest in me, but I won’t consider a relationship with him other than friendship because we live in the same community.

“If our relationship didn’t work out, it would be awkward seeing each other, and I fear we could possibly ruin a wonderful friendship. What do you think? I would like to have your feedback.

I responded to Betsy: “The age difference is only two years. So, that’s a positive.

“Another positive is you live near each other. There would be limited or no driving to be together. Perhaps, a short, likely safe, drive at night to go home. “Since he is a nice man who was married 55 years, he’d likely be a loyal and dedicated mate. He cares about you and is attracted to you. That’s a big positive. You likely would be good for each other.

“Have you discussed your concerns with him? Share them and see how he feels about it. If you can agree on what would happen if it doesn’t work out (it would be a kind of post-relationship agreement), and if you are both comfortable with it, take a chance. It seems at his age and your age, sharing life with someone could be magical.

“You might want to find out about how his home is decorated. Are his former wife’s pictures everywhere? Might that bother you? 55 years is a long time. Lots of memories.

“Greta and I were together 25 years and now, seven months after losing her, I have lots of her photos in my home. A woman who came here didn’t seem to mind, but of course, she doesn’t live here.

“The big answer: if you like him, communicate your concerns and either proceed from there or not. Take a chance. I’d give it a try.

Betsy’s response: “If he broaches the subject with me, I will discuss it with him. We were all out together last night at our usual sports bar for dinner and drinks. When I leaned in to say something to him, he said, ‘If you keep leaning in like that, I will have to kiss you. I have wanted to do that for a long time.’

“I was taken aback and said, ‘OMG really? You are embarrassing me!’
“I think I blushed. My lady friends who were in attendance said maybe it was the ‘drinks’ he had while we were talking.

“I don’t know…but we all agreed he is a very nice guy. We all watched him care for his wife in a wheelchair before she died. He was devoted to her and, is a genuinely nice person to everyone.”

Tom’s reply: “He sounds like me in this way: Perhaps the drinks made him bolder and more amorous, but he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. He is attracted to you. Are you attracted to him? Enough so that you are willing to have that ‘What happens if it doesn’t work out?’ conversation?

“You decide. What’s more important? Having someone in your life who warms your heart and is there for you, and who loves to hug, kiss and hold you.

“Or risking losing his friendship because it might not work out? And even if it doesn’t work out, you still might be friends.

“I totally get where he is coming from, especially since he was a caregiver for his wife. He wants to feel love again.

“In most potential senior relationships, there is fear in one way or another. Most of us have suffered losses. It’s hard to move forward. And we all have senior dating baggage.

“The main question: Are you attracted to him? He sounds like an ideal special man and is so close to your age. Plus, he lives nearby. Also, if you are attracted to him, don’t wait for him to bring the subject up. I suggest you tell him you’d like to talk and take that initiative. He has already indicated he cares about you.”

“Take a chance, Betsy. Which reminds me of a song. Abba’s ‘Take a Chance On Me.’ (See link to the song below).”

Isn’t senior dating fun?

A response to last week’s eNewsletter

Rhonda emailed: “I thought the list which you and your buddy Jim published last week was SPOT ON! I especially resonated with the friendship aspect and the simple words, ‘Friends first.’ And genuinely wanting to be together…love it. So incredibly important.

“I would add to your list strong communication and negotiation. We, humans, are not mind-readers, so sharing ideas and talking about the good, bad, and ugly is vital to a strong healthy relationship.

“Being vulnerable and open are key components to sharing your life with your mate. “Please don’t shoot me Tom, but the proper spelling is ‘Gucci’ for designer clothing and handbags. (you wrote Goochi).

Tom’s response to Rhonda. “Your mention of the Gucci spelling is a riot. I looked up the proper spelling but failed to change it in the text. What was I thinking? Another woman mentioned that as well.

“At least you can tell my closet is not filled with Gucci attire. For me, Levi is more appropriate for this hang-10 guy. So, if I meet a woman who wants a man dressed to the nines, I’m likely not her guy.

“Your suggested list addition is right on. Communication and negotiation between couples are both critical. And what often happens when people are communicating via text, instead of by phone or in person, is the words often get misconstrued. “And being vulnerable is important. When a person is vulnerable, he or she reveals their inner beauty.”

That’s it for this week. It’s Gucci signing off.

Link to Abba’s Take A Chance On Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-crgQGdpZR0