LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship – On Life and Love after 50

Reader Responses To Gummies vs. Alcohol in Senior Dating

On Love And Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 2, 2024

By Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

Responses From Champs to Gummies vs Alcohol

Two weeks ago, the eNewsletter included a woman’s comments regarding a Gummies vs. Alcohol issue she and her boyfriend of four years were having.

She wrote, “I still work so I don’t drink alcohol during the week. However, come Friday and Saturday, I like nothing more than opening a bottle of Chardonnay and enjoying it while making dinner. It can take the ‘edge’ off from work.

She added that if she goes out, she won’t drive if she has more than two glasses of wine.

Also, she said, “I see my boyfriend of almost four years on weekends only. We live 30 miles apart. He would rather I not drink. There was a time he drank too much, but stopped 15 years ago, cold turkey, just stopped.

“However, he does like to smoke pot on occasion and ingest cannabis-infused gummies. I must say the gummies are loads of fun and, together we have a great time when taking them. We dance, laugh, tell silly stories, etc.”

Tom’s comment: (I wonder what she means by “etc?” I see a couple of you smiling at that comment.)

She continued: “The problem is I still prefer my Chardonnay over the gummies. He would prefer I stop drinking alcohol and just take the gummies. He swears they are way better for me than alcohol. So, we argue about Gummies vs. Alcohol. What do Champs think?

Eight Responses From Champs

Only one man responded directly to this issue. Two men said they were looking forward to reading the responses. Several men talked about non-related topics.

Here’s what the seven women said:

ST (a woman Champ) “Gummies vs Chardonnay – what business is it of his? This is manipulative and controlling. Give in to his demands and who knows what awaits down the line? He should keep his own council.”

Beach Girl, “It’s a good thing that the gummy lover lives 30 miles away and only sees Ms. Chardonnay on weekends. He had a problem with alcohol so he’s transferring his past issues onto her – it’s a control thing. Tell Ms. Chardonnay to enjoy her wine and ignore his preaching. If he doesn’t lay off, dump him.”

Linda, “My thoughts about Chardonnay versus gummies are she should have her glass or two during the week when she’s home. Maybe the gummies on weekends. I guess she isn’t telling us the truth and is drinking during the week too. I don’t believe everything people tell me.”

Jeanne, “Driving on gummies is just as bad as on alcohol!”

Althea, “I think this anonymous woman has already figured it out. She wants to know if this relationship will work when she drinks, and he does not. He takes cannabis gummies, she does also, but only to please him.

“They live in separate homes and have been seeing each other for four years, so apparently the arrangement is working out for them.

“She said they probably will never move in together because they like their own homes and that the alcohol vs. gummies issue might cause problems if they did. So, what is the real issue? They are in a LAT relationship, and it will last as long as the arrangement is working, and both are content. Right?

“Though I wonder how often he is trying to get her to stop the alcohol and instead take gummies with him, because to me that is a small red flag, controlling behavior.

“Bottom line: If you care (love) someone you take them as they are, especially in our senior years when our long lives have made us who we are and change of habits rarely happens.”

Kaitte: “Short and sweet. That’s the pot calling the kettle black–his gummies. His problem; not hers. She enjoys her wine after working all week. If a man consistently told me what to do, the weekender would be no more.”

Elenute, “Hopefully, there are some things they enjoy about each other besides whatever substances he or she uses.

“My former boyfriend tended to have one drink a night and drank socially occasionally. I don’t drink at all. It was never a problem for us.

“As long as neither one drives high, it’s up to you to drink or do gummies, whatever you prefer. Why is he telling you what to do? Is there a pattern there?”

Jim, “I hope the woman communicates her desire to enjoy a glass of wine to him so he understands more. He shouldn’t be trying to change the situation now or ever.

“He should realize he won’t change her; he needs to back off and enjoy getting the ‘edge’ off in his way. This gummies vs. alcohol issue isn’t worth losing the relationship over. They both can adjust and still have fun together. She seems open to using gummies at different times whereas some people won’t be open to gummies at all.”

Tom’s reply: I was surprised that so few men commented, but Jim’s words are well-spoken. After reading all the opinions, mainly from women, I realized–as a man–that maybe this isn’t a big deal. For many senior couples, it may not be an issue at all.

I asked my partner, Debbie Sirkin Psychotherapist, to read the above comments. Her response was like mine. Both of us felt he wasn’t trying to control her by getting her to stop drinking wine.

What Debbie picked up on is that the women who responded may have been ‘projecting’ things from their own lives that may have been problematic for them, either in the past or present.

Debbie added, “I think Althea summed it up best.”

So, Champs, enjoy your wine or pot or gummies, but the important thing is “in moderation.” And if your doctor insists that you stop drinking or smoking pot, consider changing your ways.

Please keep your emails coming. Next week, it’s the Super Bowl and/or Valentine’s. Which to write about? Such a dilemma.

Overcoming Adversity

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

Overcoming Adversity

November 10, 2023

Tom Blake – Columnist

**The Dana West Yacht Club, Dana Point, California where Tom’s speech was held on November 7**. Photo by Tom Blake

Overcoming Adversity
In the three most recent eNewsletters, I mentioned I’d be making a presentation about the challenges of senior dating on Tuesday, November 7 2023. I was asked to speak by the Business Network Group (BNG) which has its monthly meetings at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point, California, the city in which I’ve lived for 37 years.

Because so many Champs (subscribers to my weekly eNewsletter) contacted me on November 8, the day after my talk, wondering how my presentation went, I decided to describe that rather unique and challenging experience in today’s column.

I started preparing my presentation a month before by attending the BNG October presentation to observe the seating layout of the club and the audio/video setup. I wanted to see if the previous month’s speaker used a PowerPoint presentation. He did, so I decided to do the same. (See the room in the photo above).

I’m not a professional speaker so I needed to prepare my material diligently. I spent hours at home designing and scripting my slides and testing them on my TV screen. Everything worked perfectly. I practiced several times. Plus, I was told an audio-video expert would be at the club to ensure all was in order.
I admit I was a bit nervous, 80 people had RSVP’d, including several Champs. I wanted to make them proud.

I arrived at the yacht club an hour and a half before my talk and connected my laptop to the large TV screen via an HDMI cord. My speech material didn’t appear, only local TV programs.

My friend from my grief share session, Jim Fallon arrived. Jim had agreed to advance the slides on my computer so I could walk among the crowd using a portable microphone. Jim was also puzzled by the big screen not working.

The first guest arrived. He was a Champ, Rick, who lives a mile from me. He said he was a widower. And then another Champ, Regina, arrived. I’ve known her for years. She’s the salt of the earth. I introduced them and they sat adjacent to each other on barstools. They seemed to enjoy chatting; I was pleased.

Back to the PowerPoint crisis. Garrett, the bartender, tried to help with the setup, but it wasn’t working properly. The promised audio/visual person wasn’t there.

When Pat Chiku, the president of BNG, arrived, I told her the big screen setup wasn’t working. She called the a/v man, and he came 16 minutes later. He spent 40 minutes fixing things. When my material appeared on the screen, five of the 22 slides had disappeared. He spent more time trying to recover those.

In the meantime, attendees were coming in. Many wanted to chat with me. I was a mess, concerned about the TV setup, yet wanting to be cordial.
The a/v man finally got the setup working. A huge relief for me. And he left. A few minutes later, as Jim and I were ensuring everything was in order, the system froze. I knew at that time I was going to have to wing it, with no PowerPoint. Luckily, I had made a 4 x 6 card for each slide, with just some words to remind me what to mention.

I knew I would have to overcome this adversity, put it in the rear-view mirror, and fire up and make it happen.

I was pleased when four women, also from Jim and my grief share group arrived and sat in the seats Jim and I had reserved for them at our table. They were Patty, Gina, Michelle and Tracy. In total, there are seven of us who met via grief share and have become pals and do fun social activities together. Only Katie was not there, having other commitments.

Another friend, Champ Mike Stipher, a co-worker with me at the Victoria Station Restaurant chain from the 1970s, arrived. Mike, who has been supportive and a great listener and advisor, during my grief moments over the last 12 months, took a seat at our table as well.

Then Champ Gail sent a text. She was driving from Bishop, in the Sierra Mountains, 5-6 hours away. Her text read, “Stuck in traffic, I will be late.” Oh wow, another thing to worry about. We reserved a chair for her.
And then Champ Lady Hummingbird texted, wanting some directions. I texted that we had saved her a seat.

Champs kept arriving. Margaret and Jean got good seats. The place was getting full. The first couple still appeared to be enjoying each other.
And then a woman named Erika came in. She had previously paid for three of my books she was getting for her 59-year-old son who had decided to try to find a girlfriend.

I had signed the books for him at home beforehand, knowing time would be of the essence. She had mistakenly come to the club the week before and found it locked. She jokingly told me she had suffered a “senior moment.”

At 6 p.m., Pat introduced me. I thanked her for planning the presentation on a Tuesday night, and not on a Thursday night, so our attendees wouldn’t miss any of The Golden Bachelor program. People laughed.

Earlier in the day, I had gone to a local florist and purchased two long-stemmed red roses that were hidden in a cooler I brought with me. Later, I called Pat and her assistant Candy to the area where all could see them and had Jim remove the roses from the cooler. I presented a rose to each woman ala The Golden Bachelor, as an acknowledgment for their hard work in putting the night together. That got a big round of applause and me hugs from the two women.
Senior Dating – Make A List
The audience participated as I intermingled with the crowd with a microphone in one hand and my slide notes in the other. When I suggested that singles, before starting to date, make a written list of qualities wanted in a mate, one woman shouted out, “At the top of my list, the man must be breathing.” That brought a chuckle from folks.

The ratio of women to men in attendance was an estimated 8 to 1. About the same for people in their 70s and 80s who are trying to date.

When I was talking about first-date etiquette, another Mike, who was seated with three women at a table, very loudly shouted, “The four of us want to know when people should talk about sex.” (I think they’d had a couple of cocktails by then).

I replied, “For heaven’s sake, not on the first date!”

A woman nearby shook her head, and mumbled, “At my age, who needs sex at all?” I decided to avoid any further discussion on the touchy subject of senior sex and switched to the next topic, online dating.

However, the importance of chemistry, i.e., physical attraction, was a topic. More than half the crowd raised their hands when I asked if that was important to them. My grief-share friend Patty called chemistry “zing.”

In the Q&A session at the end, I was surprised that many in attendance were unfamiliar with the acronym “LAT.” I explained that LAT stands for a living apart together relationship and it seems to be emerging more and more among single seniors.

By the end of the evening, it appeared that six people might potentially become three couples. That warmed my heart.

Several people told me I probably did better without the PowerPoint aspect.
Later, Patty texted our 7-member grief share group, saying, “Tom took control through the chaos of the system like a ROCK STAR!!”

Holy cow, I appreciated Patty’s comment.

I was surprised that no one raised the question of whether I had met anyone online or elsewhere whom I was seeing exclusively. But two women privately asked me that question.

I said, “Yes.”

One said, “Is she here tonight incognito?”

I said, “No. She’s not here tonight. She’s a ‘PGF’ and a MFT.”

“What are those?” A woman asked.

I said, “A PGF is a Phantom Girl Friend. An MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist. She’s ill, caught a virus, and is devastated that she couldn’t be here to meet many of you. There will be another time to meet her when she’s feeling better.”

Here’s a lesson from today’s eNewsletter: Adversity is often the seed of opportunity. It’s what a person does with that opportunity that will determine if he or she will grow and benefit from it. It all depends on how they tackle it.

Thanks for being Champs. You are all special to me. Together, we made it happen on November 7, 2023

Lat (Living Apart Together) Relationships

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 30, 2021
By: Tom Blake – Columnist

Senior dating: Identifying the types of senior living relationships can be confusing

Lately, I’ve been receiving an increasing number of questions from Champs and single seniors regarding the various types of relationship living arrangements they are choosing or considering. The different acronyms can boggle the mind.

The most popular: LAT (living apart together)

In checking my columns-written archives, I first mentioned LAT relationships in eNewsletters during March 2018. The LAT designation was applied to Champs who were in unconventional relationships. Some stated they were committed, loving, intimate relationships, and yet, they lived under separate roofs.

This week, I searched online but couldn’t find any articles– other than ours–that had been published anywhere in the world earlier than 2019 on the LAT relationship topic. Our Champs blazed a trial in senior dating relationship definitions.

In the three and a half years since that 2018 article mention, the single senior living arrangement topic has mushroomed among people who write about senior relationships. And I sure hear more about the topic.

The primary reason why LAT relationships will not become the norm for seniors is financial. Two separate households are more expensive to occupy vs. when two people share expenses under the same roof. For some, a LAT isn’t affordable. And for some, it’s not even a desirable way to live.

For example, Mary Ann emailed: “To me, if a couple doesn’t live together there is no ‘US.’ The pluses appear to be having their own space, privacy, and daily routines. But living this way does not bring them closer and committed enough. I call this a compromised relationship (CR).” I’ve been in a few of those myself.

Champ Mark sent me a link to an online New York Times article dated July 16, 2021, titled, “Older Singles Have Found a New Way to Partner Up: Living Apart,” written by Francine Russo.

In the article, Russo mentions a widow named Linda Randall, who lives in Chicago and was widowed in 2016. Randall is now 81 and has a romantic, intimate, relationship with a widower, age 87, who lives across the alley from her and spends most nights at her apartment.

When the widower asked Randall if he could move in with her, Randall said no because she liked where she lived and felt they were different in how they lived.

Plus, a big factor was that Randall didn’t want to become a full-time caregiver. Living apart but nearby, Randall and the widower remain intimate.
Russo also wrote in the article, “In Europe, the data clearly shows that later-life LAT relationships are on the rise. And Russo quoted a Canadian sociology professor who said, “LAT is now a ‘popular option’ in the United States and Canada.”

Champ Joel, emailed this week: “I saw this term, which was new to me: ‘living celibate together.’ When I entered that as a Google search, a lot of articles showed up.”

I responded to Joel, “So now we have LCT (living celibate together) senior relationships? I don’t want to be in one of those.”
Joel answered, “Nor I, an

LCT doesn’t float my boat either.”

Another Champ, Ginny, whom we wrote about in April, a widow, age 80, has had a seven-year relationship with Harry, 87, a widower. They live three walking minutes apart.

Harry was the guy who didn’t want to remarry (he had been married 59 years). In April, Harry changed his mind and a November wedding was planned.

Now, Ginny says, they are planning to marry in September.

I asked her why they are getting married after seven years.
Ginny said, “I visit Harry nearly every evening. But I return home the same night. Because of our faith, we agreed years ago to abstain from sex unless married. It was difficult. After we marry, instead of coming home each night, I will come home the next morning. We can finally have sex.”

Ginny added, “Still, we will have a LAT marriage.”

“Why the LAT marriage?” I asked.

“We will have a prenup. We both have children and grandchildren. Our money stays separate as do our homes. I like my home. It’s a short walk. Why not?”

Tom’s comment

I love Ginny’s story! Could LAT-M (Living Apart Together Married’ become another senior dating term introduced to the world by our Champs?

I smile at the reason Ginny and Harry are getting married. Intimacy–better late than never–bless them, both. Update on Ginny and Harry: They married in September and a NY Times’ “Wedding columnist” Tammy LaGorce attended and is doing an article on them

There are three primary reasons why these unconventional LAT-type relationships are gaining popularity among seniors:

1. Avoiding being a full-time caregiver (one of the biggest and most often stated reasons)
2. Wanting a companion while keeping one’s home
3. Maintaining independence while enjoying intimacy (perhaps), love, and sharing.
More senior women than men tell me they prefer a LAT relationship.
With these four options, LAT, LCT, CR, and LAT-M, no wonder senior dating is confusing.

Online dating question from Yolanda:“I am a widow of 11 years, looking for dating opportunities. I saw in an eNewsletter that you mentioned Cupid k 2 or Cupid two. Can you guide me to it?”

Tom’s answer to Yolanda: “I think the dating website you are looking for is OK Cupid. Their basic package is free. But there are some upgrades that could be helpful that will cost a small amount.
However, if you are beginning to go online with your dating, please be very careful because there are all kinds of scammers out there who try to take advantage of lonely women. Especially widows. NEVER send money to a stranger. If a person claims to be working overseas, that’s a red flag. Do not reveal your home address.

If you come across someone who might be interesting for you, have a background check done on that person. If he sends pictures, verify that the pictures are his via a Facebook or other account.I can’t stress enough to be leery of people you meet online. That being said, the Internet can be a good place to meet people, just be very aware. If you have doubts, feel free to contact me with details.

We can always post your situation in the eNewsletter and let Champs give you their opinions. I assure you, our Champs will leave no stone unturned–they’ve walked the walk and are a wealth of caring and loving information. Good luck. Keep us posted, Yolanda.

Seniors should never give up on love

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 23, 2021

by columnist Tom Blake

Senior Dating: Seniors should never give up on love (and intimacy)

(marriage in their 80s?)

After last week’s eNewsletter was published, Ginny, Delaware County, PA emailed, “I wrote to you two years ago to encourage single senior women to ‘Get out there, have fun, and not give up looking for a good man.’ I’m doing that again today!

“I met my boyfriend Harry seven years ago. In the first few years, when I or others occasionally brought up the subject of marriage to him, he reminded me and them that he had told me early on to he wasn’t going to remarry. So, I, like some of your readers (Champs), had a big decision to make based partly on the availability-of-men statistics: Stay or leave?”

Ginny decided to stay.  She continued: “I fell for him (had seen him in church while we were both married). I left that church.

“Fifteen years later, both of us having recently lost our spouses, we met at the senior center and started dating right away.  “We are active, fun-loving, and healthy, Christians who are very much in love and are looking forward to having a ‘complete’ relationship.

“Life is full of surprises! Now, at ages 80 (me) and 87 (Harry), he has changed his mind and wants to marry me. We live three minutes apart. We are both widowed after long marriages; he was happily married, me not happily married.

“To further encourage us to marry, my brother, 74, a widower of eight years, is also ‘tying the knot’ this year with a lovely woman age 69, whom he met two years ago on the Match website.”

I responded to Ginny: “Why do you think he changed his anti-marriage stance at age 87? Why get married now? The decision ‘to stay or go’ you made, worked out for you. I’m happy you didn’t leave him. “Who will move? What does a complete relationship mean? “A senior center is a good place for seniors to find a mate.”

Ginny replied, “I plan on asking him soon why he changed his mind. We are going to have a LAT marriage. I go visit him almost every evening now. After we marry, instead of coming home each night, I will come home the next morning. When I originally suggested this, years ago, he said ‘No way.’ I suspect he wasn’t ready.

“Harry had been married to his high school sweetheart for 59 years when she died of cancer, after being diagnosed five years before.

“We will have a senior prenup also. We both have children and grandchildren. Our money will stay separate.

“What I mean by a senior complete relationship is that now we will be able to have sex. Because of our faith, we agreed years ago to abstain unless married. It was difficult.

“Eight years ago, at age 72, I was widowed. I decided I wasn’t going to just join women’s groups, so I found the local senior center. It is a ‘happening place.’ I am now on the council there. I first spotted Harry shooting pool. He recognized me right away.

“Several times later, I checked out the pool room where the men hung out. They were very welcoming to me, and there was Harry. Within a short time of our meeting, he asked me out. He told me many times that he was only looking for someone to have fun with, and I was it. The rest is history.”

Tom’s ending thoughts: I love Ginny’s story! And wow, a new term for our Champs: ‘A Living Apart Together Marriage!’ (a LAT-M). I hadn’t heard that one before and yet I get it. And I smile at their reason for marrying. Bless you, both.

I hope you like the new Constant Contact format. Thanks for being a Champ. If friends want to be added to our eNewsletter list, they can easily sign up on the home page of my website:

www.FindingLoveAfter50.com

Never-married woman in LAT (Living Apart Together relationship) unsure if she should breakup with man friend of two years

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 28, 2019

by columnist Tom Blake

Two parts today: Part 1 – Never-Married woman in LAT

and Part 2 – Meet and Greet in Dana Point

Never-married woman in LAT (Living Apart Together Relationship) unsure if she should breakup with man friend of two years

Champ Judy, not her true name, emailed, “I’m 78, never married (not yet, haha), though I had proposals. I met one man in my 30s who I would have married, he was nine-years-younger, his parents broke us up. We were so happy.

“He came back a year later to ask me to marry him, but I broke the date, not knowing that’s what his plan was. We didn’t get back together, and, he eventually married someone else.

“I compare everyone to the wonderful relationship we had. I know it’s ridiculous to hang onto the past and the hope I could meet another like him.”

Tom’s comment #1: Yes, Judy is right. Hanging on to a relationship for 45 years–give or take a few years–is looking back instead of forward. With a nine-year age difference back then, who knows how that relationship would have played out?

Judy continued, “I’ve been in several relationships since him, three asked me to marry but I knew they weren’t right. I can’t believe I let my whole life go by without the experience of marriage or children.

“I’d love to know if any other Champs are in the same situation (never-married but thought they would eventually-didn’t happen. How do they deal?).

“I lived with one person several years and besides the three marriage proposals after my 30s, I had several prior to that. Why I didn’t realize I should have built a life, a family, I don’t know? Fear?”

Tom’s comment #2: Perhaps some of our Champs will respond to her “never married” statement.

A high school classmate enters the scene

Judy added, “Two years ago, a high school classmate, also 78, and I began a relationship. He was married for 53 years; his wife had dementia for several years, he cared for her until he couldn’t anymore. She went into assisted living. He was there every day. I’d see him at reunions, he looked sad, we’d chat.

“After his wife died, he came to see me often, helping me move, buy a car, he remembers our anniversary of our first holding hands, our first kiss, and incidents like when he says he thought of me all the way home (hour and 1/2 away). Our feelings grew and we declared our love.”

Every relationship has baggage

Judy said, “Situation is he’s a country boy and I’m a city girl. When I stay at his place, I feel like I’m in the boonies and when he comes here, he cannot stand traffic. He curses at traffic, or if he drops something, or, when he can’t find his phone, etc.

“I can’t stand someone getting upset in traffic or because he has to wait while handling something on the phone, etc. It cuts into the peace we are experiencing and really affects me.

“He would like me to move up there, but it’s really rural. Nice house, but mostly still set up when his wife was there.

“He’s not sure if he wants to keep up the work of three acres, an extra guest house, but it gives him exercise and a sense of accomplishment. He loves fishing and does that often. I’ve ridden in the boat twice. I used to go boating when younger, but it’s not the most thrilling thing, though his place is peaceful and beautiful.

“We just talked a few moments ago, as he’s up at his place and I’m at my home. He had been here several days and needed to get back up there.”

He loves me but he’s controlling and jealous

Judy mentioned more, “He misses me and loves me. For the first time, instead of rolling his eyes when I want to go to my church group, or other places I like to go, he’s encouraging me to do so.

“I try to please him. He tries to please me too, but up until today, he complained. Today, he said he didn’t want to be someone who controlled my life. That was new because in fact, he tries to.

“He is jealous that I’ve been in several relationships prior to ever knowing him.

Tom’s comment #3: This couple has a LAT—a living-apart-together relationship. Sounds ideal for them, considering the plethora of aspects Judy doesn’t like about him.

Senior sex

Judy continued, “He’s constantly wanting sexual activity to the point I think he’s obsessed. Is this normal?

Tom’s comment #4: Look at it this way: he finds Judy attractive. At 78, many men can’t even whistle Dixie, let alone have sex. Is he over-sexed or is she under-sexed? Some women would consider this an asset, not a liability. What’s the problem?

Judy said, “Having said all that, he’s truly a fine person and the reason I got involved to begin with. There’s much I love about him.

“I’ve thought about moving up to his place and building a new life. It’s just that I like civilization. I also love his friends, they’re fun, great people. Also, He’s remarked, he thinks about moving into my place, thus no yard to mow, hedges to trim, repairs to make and the like. He’s conflicted and so am I.

“If we break up, I figure it would be my last chance at a relationship whereas he could find many others as a man (In Florida, where I live, there are lots of men). All relationships have adjustments the older we get.

“Today over the phone, when he called to say I love you, he also said he wants me to do things I want. I do love him. We love each other, but we’re so different.

“He has a large family, consisting of siblings, nieces, nephews who all love me, are happy for us and I love them, they’re a lot of fun. He has a son with a girlfriend who doesn’t want children, and a daughter, granddaughter and a great grandson. We all get along great. I enjoy being with them and love for him to spend time with them.

“My writing is convoluted I realize, and any comments will be welcome.”

Tom’s closing comments to Judy:

The most important sentence you wrote is highlighted in yellow above: “We love each other, but we’re so different.” That’s the beacon of light under which your relationship functions.

Five additional comments:

You love each other so why at 78, would you break up? Perhaps your propensity to break up is why you never married. Instead, simply make adjustments as necessary
You didn’t marry before, why would you marry now, when you are so different from each other? Marriage might screw up a nice relationship
You say you’re both “conflicted” about relocating. He loves the country; you love the city. Neither would be happy living permanently in the other’s environment. Problems would quickly arise. Keep your respective homes. Don’t sell them or move
You are in a LAT—a living apart together relationship. You live an hour and a half away. Seeing each other as often as you want is a luxury. Many people would envy your situation. Have you looked in the mirror to see if the problems you describe are not his, but yours?
You say he’s controlling, jealous and wants too much sex. Do you think that’s going to change if you both lived under the same roof? However, he sounds as if he is willing to change.

Why change anything? If you miss each other and want to see each other more often, simply do it.

PART 2 – UPDATE ON SENIOR MEET AND GREET IN DANA POINT LAST NIGHT

Last night at the deli. From left. Regina, Samantha (owner Tutor and Spunky’s), Greta, Tom Patrick and Mipat (spelling ?) But, there were 120 more who attended)

The event was incredibile. An estimated 125 people attended. I didn’t realize that two people who met at the June M & G have been dating for five weeks. See, love can happen at our age! Details next week on the event.

Senior long distance dating – a challenge – but not impossible

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 19, 2019

Senior long distance dating — a challenge for seniors — but not impossible

Two weeks ago, we wrote about a widower, age 75, whose wife passed away two years before. He’s dating again. After being shunned by a widow he met at church, he turned to Internet dating sites to try to find a mate.

He emailed, seeking advice. He said he met a woman on the OurTime website, who lives 845 miles away. He was going to send her air fare to visit him.

I suggested, instead of sending her air fare, he should look for a woman who lives close to him. Getting involved in a long-distance relationship might be too much effort for a man his age.

Champs responded, sharing their opinions about senior long-distance dating.

Cynthia emailed: “Forget about long-distance relationships! If you can’t meet people in person within a 50-mile circumference, then it’s not worth it.

“You need to simply look around your own town, church, neighborhood, grocery store, club, senior center or wherever you go for entertainment.”

Art, said, “This man should be able to meet eligible women within an easy driving distance from where he lives. I am in a relationship with a lady I met online, and she lives only 15 minutes from me.

“Together, we belong to several Meetup.com groups, and there are at least four women for every man who attend events. Perhaps he is unfamiliar with Meetup.com, but unless he lives in a very rural part of the country, there are probably Meetup groups in his area.

“A woman living 845 miles away is too far for a meet and greet lunch or dinner, and the cost and inconvenience would make a possible romance very difficult.”

Susan chimed in, “If you are lonely, join a club, an exercise or Meetup group, volunteer, etc. There are so many ways to not be lonely. If you enjoy children, volunteer at your local school or library. (Meet.com is not a dating site, but a place to meet lots and lots of new friends, and when you meet lots of new people, who knows what could evolve? )

“When I was off work for a few months, I volunteered at our senior center. I was NEVER lonely there. Lots of seniors hanging around wanting to talk with someone.”

Joanie stated, “This 75-year-old man should make sure he looks extra good, smells nice, wears fitting, well-cut clothes, gets a haircut and takes care of his skin.

“And then, he should take ballroom dance lessons. There are tons of wonderful single women who dance, most looking for a nice man. And there is a shortage of men. He will meet someone quickly.”

Gina added, “I think online dating can be an effective tool, but one should weed out the people who are long distance. Potential mates should be within 50 miles and willing to meet within a few weeks of making a connection via text messaging and phone.”

Linda felt differently; she said, “I think he should visit the woman 845 miles away, see where and how she lives. You can tell a lot about people based on how they live.”

Liza emailed, “My advice for your lonely widower is to slow down and relax. Smelling desperation on a member of the opposite sex is a huge buzz kill. Most seniors don’t want to be alone but that big of a rush would scare off any decent woman–but would certainly appeal to a scammer.”

Shelley said, “Yes, indeed; loneliness can cloud a widowed person’s thinking! I lost my beloved husband of 39 years five years ago. My judgement was impaired for at least 2 1/2 years!

“The widower should look for a woman he can meet in person and not have to send plane fare to. That has scam written all over it.’”

And yet, long distance relationships can work

A while back, I wrote about Sally, a widow, from New Jersey, who had been married 41 years. Two years before, she had corresponded with a widower (married 48 years) online. But he lived in Atlanta.

Through the online site, she sent him a message that she was removing herself from the site and included her personal email address. He didn’t receive her message.

When her online site tried to get her to renew, she checked her mailbox, one last time, and found a message from him. She said, “I emailed and we picked up writing again. I guess it was meant to be!”

They agreed to be just pen-pals. “No pictures. No, ‘Are you the right one?’ and, no plans to meet,” says Sally. However, a senior long-distance relationship began.

“We were very careful in the beginning when we wrote. We never mentioned the names of our children or grandchildren, just funny stories about different things. We both had long, stable marriages and our families were the center of our lives. We had successful careers. Neither felt threatened by the past.”

Then their arrangement changed. She said, “About 8 months into the pen-pal thing, he tells me not to get serious or marry anyone until we meet. At that point we exchanged photos, talked on the phone, and it kept getting better.

“He came to NJ for a two-day visit and stayed a week, and then kept returning every two-three weeks. I visited him in Georgia.”

Sally liked the Atlanta-area lifestyle. She visited a recreation community catering to all ages and particularly liked the quaint homes with porches. She told her gentleman friend that if she relocated, it would be incidental to–and not dependent upon–their relationship. “Marrying again was not in our plans,” said Sally.

Sally sold her New Jersey home and bought a home in the recreation community. She and her widower friend maintain separate residences, and have a LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship.

“We spend weekends together; we cook for one another once a week. We love to shop together. He visits his family and I visit mine, keeping these issues apart,” says Sally. “I am very lucky. It’s an open, honest, loving relationship without it ever getting routine, stale, or to the point of too much togetherness. We are committed to one another, but, observe that space that people need.

“We never intended it to turn out this way, but we gave it a chance. As seniors, we accept who we are and enjoy what we have now.”

And, you Champs likely remember Chris and Tina. They were 14 years in a long, long-distance relationship: England and California. Nearly 4,400 miles. But they made it work. Now they are married. She’s in her 70s and he’s in his 80s.

And, how about Champs Terry and Daeng. California and Thailand? Want to see happiness? Look below.

Champs Terry and Daeng–who says long distance romance can’t be fun

Tom’s five senior long-distance dating tips

Try local first. Focus on what’s near you. There are many options, as mentioned above, where seniors can go to meet new people and make new friends. Who knows? They might meet a potential mate by being out and about. Meetup.com is not a dating site, but it has endless choices to pursue activities that one might enjoy—like learning a language or hiking, and there’s no cost. Senior centers will have like-minded people who want to chat. Volunteering is a great way to pay it forward and meet people at the same time.
If you Internet date, perhaps Cynthia’s and Gina’s suggested 50-mile dating radius is a good rule of thumb. However, it depends. Does the man still drive? Does the woman still drive? What happens if they become a couple? Who moves? Or, does the relationship become a Living Apart Together (LAT) relationship?
Seniors must realize there are lots of scammers online, even on the most reputable senior dating sites—OurTime, Match.com, and eHarmony.com, for example. Regardless of what the sites claim, scammers slip through the cracks and target vulnerable, lonely seniors.
When you make contact with someone who lives near you, the two of you can meet in person and decide if there is a mutual attraction, without the challenges and expense of traveling long distances. Keep your search as close to home as reasonable.
Long-distance relationships can work. Before giving up on your Internet site, check every message, just in case. It only takes one, as Sally discovered, but we never know which one.