On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter
October 13, 2023
By Columnist Tom Blake
Conflicted over senior dating. Responses to Trish’s situation. She’s a disgruntled woman.
In last week’s eNewsletter, we wrote about Trish, 62, who divorced 10 years ago. By her own admission, she is “an angry woman” and questions whether she can ever love again.
And yet, almost daily, she sees a man who adores her, a Southern “roughneck” and a “redneck” as she described him, who helps her for free with maintenance projects around her house. There is no physical aspect to their relationship. She said she worries about hurting him.
Several Champs responded, sharing their opinions. Here’s what 12 women and four men (a 3-to-1 ratio) emailed.
What Women Said
The first response came from Champ Delores, who emailed, “I cannot imagine why a 62-year-old woman, or a 69-year-old man, would accept a no-physical-contact relationship. She truly does have deep-seated issues and if I were that ‘redneck’ man, I would run as fast as I could, since eventually, her obvious disdain of him will wear him down emotionally and mentally.
“Why do that to someone? Let the guy go! And to be angry at what one was ‘dealt’ to you 10 years ago? Take responsibility and move through it! I do not think feeling/acting the victim is a great way to show up for your grown children.”
Margaret, “No physical stuff. She must be kidding.”
Kaitte, “I’m 71, single for 23 years, living at a poverty level, but doing ok. I can’t imagine living with anyone full-time. I don’t want to be responsible to anyone.
“Trish, talk to him and be honest by laying all your cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may. If he wants to set you up financially, he can do so without marriage. If you can’t imagine life without him, go for it.”
Deanne, “Here I sit, widowhood wiped out my confidence and I just can’t get out there and flirt. I know I’d be a good catch, but it seems like I’m starting all over as that anxious teenager.
“I was with my husband for 33 years and never realized how time flew. I’ve got to get back on the horse. I think I might need a wingman and all my friends are married and live out of state. I truly appreciate your wisdom and you are now a member of our loss club. I wish I had signed up for the Golden Bachelor.”
Terri, “Trish needs to see a therapist. A letter to a columnist may list the issues, but it doesn’t deal with the issues in the healthy way that sessions with a good therapist can. I hope she sees someone, it can make a world of difference in the quality of life, and in how we face the challenges of health, aging, and love.
“How do I know? Life has not always been kind, people have not always been kind, and I’ve survived lots of losses, survived serious health issues, and dealt with my life issues in therapy over the past several years.
“Get going, Trish! Nothing is promised in life, but life can be very good!”
Susie, “Trish’s story is similar to mine, and it hit home. I could not express my feelings as she did in her message to Tom. I am much older than her, but hope I can feel the magic again.”
Virgina, “Trish needs psychological assistance to get herself straightened out. So many mismatched red flags: her lifestyle that she has never adjusted to but is physically and unfortunately now committed to. She does not embrace her current physical surroundings because of past roots and her social upbringing lifestyle, which seems to be on the opposite end of the social spectrum than his. This is a big red flag, even if they were both in love, which they are not.
“The future for happiness does not bode well. It’s not fair to keep him around just for the surface conveniences. He may be a redneck, but he should not be taken advantage of just because he’s found someone he considers would normally be ‘out of his reach.’
“Trish can find a good handy man, and rent a cruise boat if she wants, but give this man a chance to find happiness emotionally, let him go for his own sake before it’s too late in life for him to do so.
“You were right, Tom, to direct Trish to seek the help she obviously needs with a professional counselor. Life is too short and unpredictable to spend years unwinding so many unsolved issues at our age.”
M (woman Champ), “Regarding the Bob Seger In Your Time lyrics, mine is that life Seger sings about, and my life isn’t easy, but I’ll get through it. I’m doing all I can to cope but now I’m in the throes of the storm. And I know that in the long run, my life will be better than it is now. I’m working very hard to meet the challenges.”
Rhen, “I’m guardedly happy for her but God ‘Gave’ her to him? She seems as she has discovered herself and is set to respond and initiate life beautifully. But she is too self-focused to realize she should let this guy go! Then you have a man who views their time together so deeply differently that it seems heartbreaking to continue such an endeavor.
“Her words jerked me back and forth as she went on. Show this poor man some mercy and let him go find a lady who will embrace his giving spirit and talents. I’d also bet he has some needs that are being unmet because he’s thinking his God has him serving her.”
S, “If you don’t love-’em, you’re using-’em, period. She needs to work on whatever demons haunt her. It’s interesting that she works in mental health.”
Regina, “Reading about Trish’s situation, I thought of the saying, “One woman’s trash is another’s treasure,” because she just isn’t feeling it for the dude. I want that guy! She should let him loose and give me his number!”
Laurie Jo, “What the HELL is wrong with this woman? Good grief! I’m so upset at her! I can’t even keep typing. Maybe more tomorrow when I’m more cogent and less mad.”
What male Champs said
Larry, “I feel this lady has not been direct and honest about the extent of her negative feelings. If she has him read your column and he still sticks around, he is a masochist! She is stringing him along because she has no other current options.”
Art, “I look forward to your weekly column and always find it interesting. I especially enjoyed this week’s edition since I have dated many women after I was widowed in 2007. After a few months of mourning, I joined Meetup.com, and POF (Plenty Of Fish).
“I have since dated at least 35 women, some once-and-done” lunches, where I always picked up the tab, and a few became long-lasting friendships and relationships.
“I have had numerous other relationships over the years, and another one was over before it fully blossomed.
“I am now dating a woman who used to live in my development and has now moved to a very large condo development of over 8,000 residents, which is 15 minutes from my home. We have known each other for more than 10 years. She is 78; I am 85.
“We go to the gym together three times a week, and to dinner each night after the gym. She occasionally makes dinner for me, and both of us love musical theater. We have seen at least a dozen shows, and currently have tickets to four shows in the coming months.
“We are best friends and I do not want to lose her by seeing someone else on the side. At my age, I am OK with being in the friend zone.
“Before my wife died, she and I were talking in our den. She said, “Art, I know I am going to die, and I want you to go out and have a life after I’m gone”. I tried to tell her that I thought she could remain alive for a long time, but since she had early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, I knew she was right.
“I think every one of us has to live the life we feel is best for us, but not close our minds to change.”
Jim, “Trish wants validation but not romance. I think she is wasting her time with this guy she calls a hick when she might meet the right guy for her if she can open up and not be so closed-minded. She doesn’t have it for the guy. She will never have it for this guy. But I did like how you handled it. Maybe this is good for her since she may be opening up in her own way slowly.”
David, “Trish simply does not trust a man, men if you will. Trish’s memories have now become an invisible wall, an invisible barrier, handicapping her from being able to savor life.”
On Life and Love after 50 