By Tom Blake, Columnist
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter June 6, 2025
Senior Dilemma. When should a deceased partner’s photos and belongings be put away?
A woman recently emailed with a heart-wrenching question that many seniors face. She requested to remain anonymous, so I shall call her Sue.
Sue wrote, “I met my sweetheart online a year ago. Although he lives 30 miles from me, he says it’s worth the 40-minute drive. I am happy he feels that way.
“What are your thoughts on my him still having his dead wife’s clothing in their closet? She passed away 10 years ago. I discovered this when he invited me to spend the night at his place, when I took my overnight bag upstairs. Additionally, all her old perfume bottles are displayed on the master bathroom counter. It was disconcerting to me to say the least.”
“I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.”
My reply to Sue
“I understand the dilemma. Greta, my partner of 25 years, passed away 2 and ½ years ago. I have many pictures of her and us together around my home. I am slowly moving the pictures to a box in the garage. I realize my life has changed and it’s time to move on.
“It’s hard as the pictures represent so many memories, but I need to do it. Thanks for the reminder. Let me know how it goes.
Your question gave me a nudge.
“In your situation, Sue, especially with your boyfriend being a widower of 10 years, the woman’s clothes in the closet need to go.
“Plus, no woman is going to want to use the left-over perfume bottles, so they also need to go. Are there other signs around the house that he might still be in grief?
“Have a talk with him and do it nicely. Is his reason for not removing the items because he is still mourning or that he just got complacent? When Greta passed, her kids removed her clothes immediately, which I appreciated.
“After a year together, your boyfriend should want to make you happy and perhaps he’ll remove those items or have someone do it for him. The clothes could be donated.
“Your question will benefit many seniors who find themselves asking, “What should I do with my ex-spouses or partner’s photos?’
“If your sweetheart refuses, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Does he talk about her often? My feeling is he cares a great deal about you and will move on in his life with you.”
Sue responded, “Thank you, Tom. I just found it so creepy that he hasn’t done the removal himself. We’re going on a trip in July. I asked him if he could please have her things taken care of by then.
“I hope it works because otherwise he is a wonderful, loving and generous man. He did remove his wife’s name and birth/death dates sticker from the back of her old car. But he’s keeping that car as an extra vehicle. He claims he’s over her. Still, I can’t help but wonder.”
There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.
Previous comments by Champs on this topic
Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”
Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.
“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”
Kim said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”
Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.
“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be buried. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”
Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were in love and had pictures of both their former spouses around. They talked with each other about adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”
Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again.
“When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.
“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.
“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”
Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new partner of the nature and profound depth of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.
“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”
Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”
Hopefully, these sensitive replies will help widows, widowers and non-married partners who face this understandable dilemma. There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.
On Life and Love after 50 