December 2022 – On Life and Love after 50

How many days a week should seniors see each other when they don’t live together?

How often should a senior couple see each other when they don’t live together?

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter

December 29, 2022

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

(Note from Tom: The name below has been changed to Joyce by request)

Champ Joyce, 74, emailed this week, “I have been reading your articles for years. Partly because of your encouragement, I recently found love in my 70s on Match.com.

“For seniors, It is hit or miss with online dating sites. I was on and off different sites for 10 years. In the past, I even answered newspaper ads. A long time ago, I met a man on Quest (telephone only no pictures before the internet). That relationship lasted 10 years.

“Recently, I was only on the free Match (2 matches a day for a month). I saw an ad for a man aged 68, six-years younger, living in the town next to where I live. He mentioned that he didn’t drink, which is important to me.

“I contacted him, and we met for coffee and hit it off right away. What I did differently this time was having pictures taken at JC Penney’s, so when a guy asked me how recent my pictures were, I could honestly say, ‘They are current.’

“We’ve been together for four months. He is the kindest man I’ve ever met. For Christmas, he gave me a 55″ smart TV with a beautiful stand. He also gave me emerald and diamond earrings. For my birthday in October, he gave me a diamond-chip necklace. I thought the expensive gifts meant the relationship was getting stronger.

“However, there’s been a slight change. He was at my house this evening, putting up the TV. Imagine my surprise when he said he’d be more comfortable if we would only see each other twice a week, sometimes three times a week.

“The only time he ever lived with a woman was when he was married and that was a long time ago. He’s lived alone in his house for 22 years. I guess he’s a loner and interested in a senior part-time girlfriend. If something seems too good to be true, sometimes it is.

I’m going to still see him because I’d rather be with someone kind and generous part-time than the unknown. I wanted to share this with you.

Tom’s comment: I wrote back to Joyce: “I like your attitude, enthusiasm, and wisdom. I agree with your staying with him. And who knows? As he realizes how even more wonderful you are, he may say ‘Three days a week, and occasionally four days.’ He obviously cares, he wouldn’t have given you those incredible gifts.

Many seniors want alone time and cherish their independence. They don’t want to live under the same roof. However, most would like to be in a committed relationship and see each other 3-4 times a week. There is nothing wrong with that

“Senior love is challenging, sometimes difficult, and different when compared to earlier years. All of us bring some baggage into a new relationship. For example, ex-spouses could be still lingering, or kids or grandkids could present challenges. Or, we may have health issues.

Most of us—not all–don’t want to get married again (some have never married). Most want to stay in our own homes if we are blessed enough to own one. LAT (Living Apart Together) relationships are becoming more and more common among seniors.

We don’t need to be together 24/7 as most seniors cherish their independence, but not so much that it damages their relationship. We don’t want drama. However, we demand an exclusive relationship.

Most seniors love hugs. One thing almost all of us crave is having a warm, affectionate, caring, understanding, communicative, and huggable mate. We want and need companionship.

I think Joyce has that with her younger man. She should Let It Be, as the Beatles sang in 1970. She’ll just have to roll with the flow and keep a bit of an eye on how the relationship is progressing. If warning signs surface, then she may have some tough decisions to make.

Link to Let it Be

You Look Like My Neighbor

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

December 24, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

A friendly, warm, Christmas-week story

“You look like my neighbor”

This past Sunday — 50 days after my partner Greta passed away — I decided to get out of the house and exercise by taking a walk in the neighborhood. It was a beautiful, sunny day, with a bit of a chill in the air for Southern California. About 60 degrees.

I came upon a woman walking her dog. I had seen her several times in the neighborhood, but we had never talked, other than to say hello. She was always friendly. Her name is Lilly. I was aware that she was married to Jim, whose company had done some home improvement work at Greta’s home several years before. Lilly and Jim live a five-minute walk away from us.

She asked, “How is your wife?” I mustered the courage to tell her that Greta had passed away. Lilly was shocked, gracious, and expressed her condolences. We talked for maybe six minutes. She touched my hand and told me how sorry she was.

The next day, Monday, December 19, I was in the Capistrano Beach Costco, in the bread aisle. I noticed a woman walking in the same aisle. She looked like Lilly.

I said, “You look like my neighbor.”

She said, “You look like my neighbor. Where do you live?”

“In Monarch Beach,” I replied.

“Me also,” she said. “Oh my gosh, I’m Lilly, we talked yesterday.” I guess I didn’t recognize her because she didn’t have her dog with her. We had a big laugh.

Lilly said, “Do you like chili?”

“Yes, love it.”

She said, “I made chili last night. We have some left over. I will drop some off a little later.”

In the checkout lines, we waved at each other and held up identical sourdough bread packages that each of us had purchased. Don’t neighbors think alike, I thought?

A short while after unloading the groceries from my car into the house, I heard a knock on the front door. I opened it. It was Jim, Lilly’s husband, with a chilled container of chili in his hands. I invited Jim in, and we chatted.

I said, “How long have you and Lilly been together?

“17 years.”

“How did you meet?”

“Online. On Match.com. She’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

I said, “Where is Lilly from?”

“Costa Rica.”

I showed him a copy of the How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. I said, “Darn, had I known you two, I would have included your story in the book.

Jim said, “We wouldn’t have qualified. I was 43 when I met her. She was younger.”

I said, “You are right. You two would have been too young for the book. But it still goes to show that Internet dating can bring people together, regardless of age, and even when they live thousands of miles apart.”

I signed a book: “To Jim, Lilly and the Puppy Dog.” And gave it to Jim.

Moral of today’s story. When you’re out and about, be friendly, talk to people. You never know what you’ll have in common. Jim and Lilly live 100 yards away from me. And now, I have two new friends.

And by the way, Lilly’s chili was unbelievable. Jim told me, “Each time she makes it, she makes it a bit differently. It’s always scrumptious. We’ll bring you more when she prepares again.”

I said, “Promise?”

“Yes. Each time.”

Yippee.

Happy Holidays, everybody. I love you all. Thank you for your support.

And to all Champs who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, you, particularly, are in our thoughts

Widower Dating – Responses to Widower Seeks Clarity

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

December 16, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Widower gets advice from Champs

In last week’s eNewsletter, Ben, a widower of two years, described his relationship with Abby, one of his deceased wife’s best friends, who lives nearly 3,000 miles from him. After a five-day vacation together, on the West Coast, Abby was going to move cross country to live with Ben but changed her mind after pondering it for a few weeks.

Ben has intense feelings for her and wonders why he feels so strongly. Abby says she might move in with him after August 2023.

I asked for your opinions, and wow oh wow, you came through like Champs—23 responses are included below. Champ Larry’s comment inspired the link to a 1953 oldies song at the end of today’s column.

Mary Lou, “All I get from this saga is relief that it’s them and not me. Also, is ‘radical honesty’ different from the truth?

“I think Ben needs to move on. I see only trouble ahead. It must be hard to be widowed after 29 years of marriage. Perhaps not enough time has passed since his wife’s death. Before either person moves, get one-on-one counseling.”

Belinda, “What disturbed me in this scenario is when Ben said he’s no longer sending any sort of ‘emotion’ in his texts to Abby, rather, he’s sending information about his day. That’s no way to keep a long-distance relationship going, especially with a woman he says he cares for so deeply.

“As for the moving thing, Ben and Abby are entitled to their happiness and that means that adult children can either deal with it or launch their own lives elsewhere. At this age, we are way past living for our children’s needs. He’s 62. Time for his own life and pleasure.

“His mother has her own self-contained place. His children are grown. The 17-year-old is grown and may be leaving for college in a few months.

“The older children should already be established in their lives and no longer living off dad. “If Abby feels she is in love with Ben, they will communicate their individual desires and hopes for the future and come up with a plan that will work for them.

“Love at this age is tough to find and we need to cherish it when we are lucky enough to have it.

“Children grow up and leave. Ben could live another 20-plus years. Being alone because of more sacrifice for what makes children comfortable at this age is folly. I would actively move them out and move Abby in, make a commitment, and live in happiness.”

Nigelle, “Ben is doing the sensible thing by ‘throttling back’ the emotional texting. I don’t feel he loves Abby; I sense he ‘needs’ her, and that can be a powerful factor that clouds the matter.”

S (a woman), “Ben’s only been widowed two years. He’s not yet through the grieving process. Abby was handy and convenient albeit too soon. Ben did not have the opportunity to explore other options. Abby had a change of heart. In order to preserve the friendship, and that’s what it is, back away slowly.”

Carolyn, “This is what can happen with kids in the senior dating mix. Too many red flags. Her daughter threw a monkey wrench into the plans for Abby to move into Ben’s home. Daughters don’t want their moms to move away from them.

“Also, Ben has his mom and one of his sons living with him. Time for Ben to move on.”

Patty, “I lost my husband of 47 years in July. I think Abby thought about giving up her space to live with him, his kids, and his mother—the trade-off didn’t equal up. Every woman misses the intimacy, tenderness, and true friendship of a partner, but the process of breaking in someone new is daunting. Abby isn’t his true match.”

Kim, “It seems like it was too much too soon. We all know how ‘heady’ love is at first and maybe we perceive things differently at that time. Ben and Abby have a lot on their plates but found a convenient love opportunity.

“They should step back for a minute and take that ‘soulmate’ stuff out of the equation. Familiarity is an easy way to slip into a bad relationship. Like best friends that take the plunge and then regret sets in because they miss the ease of friendship.”

Colleen, “Maybe Abby feels bad about her private communicating with Ben prior to Ruth’s passing and now doesn’t feel right moving into her best friend’s home.”

Alicia, “I think Ben and Abby already knew in their minds that they wanted something romantic and intimate to transpire during their vacation together. Otherwise, why even mention celibacy? Abby probably concluded that they needed to proceed at a slower pace. She likely wants them both to be more certain about the authenticity of their mutual love. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

“The intensity of his love for Abby? I believe our hearts can hold love for someone else on different levels and that is okay. It does not diminish his love for his wife, nor does it diminish his love for Abby. If they both can accept this, they can make it happen.

“The children will be a part of their lives forever, so it’s appropriate to consider how they feel, and give them time to digest it, and after some time, Ben and Abby will decide if living together is a good idea or not.”

Four men speak up

Carmelo, “Jump in; take a chance. What’s to lose?”

Wayne, “Way too many red flags with this Ben and Abby senior dating situation.”

Larry, “Vaya Con Dios, my darling.” (link to the song below)

Dave, “My story is included in your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. It’s Chapter 32 (Dave and Franny) and called A Lifetime in Seven Years. For Ben, I quote words of advice from that chapter:

‘Eventually, it dawned on me. What I had to do was accept who and what I was. I needed to like myself, actually love myself before I could love another unconditionally. I needed to prepare myself for the dawn of my new life.

“When I would meet that one special lady who was destined to be my unconditional partner.’

Dave continued, “No one has the questions Ben should be asking. Only Ben knows what is within himself. His questions will come from and be generated by his honesty with and about himself; understanding who and what is really his, and where he is now, today, not yesterday.”

Tom’s comment: Dave’s Chapter 32 is one of the most sincere, heart-wrenching chapters in the entire “How 50 Couples Found Love after 50” book. He inked those quoted words 13 years ago.

Althea, “Abby got caught up in the heat of the five days together, thinking Ben was her soul mate. When she got back home, she had time alone to think; she got cold feet and saw what she would have to give up by moving 3,000 miles away to live with Ben.

“Later, in a text, she said ‘maybe’ she’d move to his place in nine months. That’s pretty iffy. They should spend a LOT more time thinking it through and spend more time together on both coasts to see what develops after the rush of emotions settles down.”

Margaret, “Too many red flags. Often bad choices are made when a person is senior grieving. Ben should spend more time thinking of the long-term consequences of moving Abby cross country. If things don’t work out for them, it could be disastrous for both of them.”

Thyrza, “Both should cool off and let clearer heads prevail. Both have red flags.”

Kaitte, “Lots of excuses and red flags. Ben’s household is too crowded with his family. They both should let it go. They can revisit at a later date if and when situations change.”

Robbie, “Ben doesn’t want to be single. Amy has come along at the right time, even though they’ve known each other for years. I wish them the best.”

Bonnie, “I don’t think she was trying to jilt Ben. She suddenly had life events that needed her attention. We all can get caught up in new love and then life happens. Abby is the one relocating. That is a big deal. Especially when they will share a home with Ben’s elderly mom and son. Perhaps best to plan visits every five or six weeks back and forth.

“I think Abby is sincere. It just may take some adjustments along the way. The only factor that may alter Abby’s decision may be her daughter. That’s a big one.”

Jeanne, “Way too complicated of a relationship. Adios.”

Francine, “Ben has not explored any relationship other than Abby. I think he should date again and if in six months he still has feelings for Abby then he should pursue her. Abby also has to figure things out.”

Kathy, “They should both stay where they are. Abby living with his mom and son will never work as everyone needs their own space. They should keep up the texts and calls and rendezvous every three months in different places—e.g., a hotel in Vegas, a condo in Cancun, and a cabin in Colorado.”

Deanne, “I am a widow; I understand what Ben is going through. He is looking for the quick and easy with little work or he’s avoiding the uneasiness of starting a new relationship with someone else. Ben could put himself in a worse spot if he doesn’t take his foot off the gas pedal.

Vaya Con Dios song (1953) by Les Paul and Mary Ford

Link to Vaya Con Dios with Les Paul and Mary Ford

Widower seeks clarity

Tom first published this eBook in 2010 on the Smashwords.com website. Has the dating scene changed for widowed people since then? Yes and no. Today’s story shows that it still can be a Mine Field and not a Gold Mine.

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter December 9, 2022
A Widower Seeks Clarity By Columnist Tom Blake

Tom’s note: All names have been changed and grammar adjusted

A widower seeks clarity

An email arrived last week: “My name is Ben and I’m reaching out to you after recently visiting your website.”

Ben wrote, “I’m 62 and became widowed unexpectantly in October 2020, when my wife, Ruth, died from a heart attack.

“We were married 29 years and have three children. Our children are 17 (living with me), 21 (away at university), and, 25 (living with me since Ruth died). I also have my 89-year-old mother living at my home in a self-contained apartment. My son is going to be moving out by spring 2023.

“Ruth’s closest friend was Abby. They have been friends since college, for 37 years. Abby and I became friends because of her friendship with Ruth. I know both of Abby‘s ex-husbands and her two children from her first marriage. Abby has not been in a relationship for five years.

“Before either of us had married, Abby and I had a little one-time fling while drinking too much at a party. She lives on the West Coast; I live in the eastern part of the country.

Flash forward to June 2022

Ben continued, “I felt a need to get away this summer and just have some me time after dealing with and managing grief for myself and for my children and managing my business. Abby and I have been in communication through the years and more so after Ruth’s passing.

“I texted Abby, mentioning that I was taking a five-day vacation to the West Coast, and asked her to join me. I mentioned that I thought it would be fun. She replied immediately and agreed. She reminded me that she had been celibate for five years. I mentioned that I was glad she told me and that I just wanted her company. I confirmed I would be a total gentleman.

“I went in mid-July. During the trip, we were getting closer and closer and finding out things about each other. Plus, we were having an emotional time together reminiscing about Ruth.

“At the end of the five days, Abby wound up flying back home with me to visit longer and to visit her sister who lives two hours away from me. Abby told me numerous times that we were soulmates, and that I was the teammate she had been looking for. We talked in radical honesty.

“During that period, we shared deep and pleasant conversations regarding our feelings for each other. We were planning to move her into my home in the east and were working on the renovation plan for the new bedroom, planning on buying a new bed, dishes, etc. Then, she unexpectedly lost the lease on her apartment out west.

“In early November, she made a decision that everything was going way too fast, and she wanted to slow it down. Her life was in turmoil because she had no home and her daughter who lives near her was needing her and the timing was just not good for us. She is incredibly busy growing her internet-based consulting business. Abby needed to get her own apartment. All of her belongings, car, etc., were out west; it was just too much in her head.

“Abby signed a short-term lease on a new apartment. She mentioned in a text that her plan may be to pack up everything in August and drive to my place.

“We still text most days, but I am giving her space and not texting as often. Also, I am leaving the emotion of how I feel out of the texts. I am showing her that I am thinking about her every day by virtue of the texts. They are shorter and about what I did that day or a photo of what I am having for dinner, kids’ birthdays, etc.

“Although my kids have known Abby all their lives, I understand they are probably not ready for this. But I do feel that I am in love with Abby. I’ve been in love in the past, obviously with Ruth and I am not meaning to compare, but it’s a different feeling of love and intensity than with Ruth. I haven’t felt like dating. I am not on dating sites and have turned down advances from other women.

“All this emotion came on quickly at least when compared to anything from the past and with Abby also saying the same thing. What I’m trying to figure out is how much the prior 37-year friendship with Abby has to do with me having such intense–in a great way–emotions for her versus some sort of comfort that I’m seeking because of the death of Ruth?”

Tom’s nine thoughts on Ben’s saga

Champs, I’d like your opinions on this saga. Here are nine thoughts from me that come to mind:

1. Why did Abby have a sudden change of heart and drop the bomb on Ben out of the blue? Didn’t she consider his feelings? What triggered her action?
That’s not how one treats a soulmate.

2. Did Abby give up her celibacy? I’m guessing she did. Perhaps she regrets that.

3. Is this long-distance relationship possible? A distance of 3,000 miles isn’t simply the next town over.

4. In August 2023, will Abby move in with Ben? He will still have one son and his mother living in the house. Egad, would that work? He says his kids might not be ready for Abby to move in. Is Ben willing to wait eight months? Does he realize that Abby might change her mind and decide to not move to be with Ben? If so, he’s wasted those eight months waiting for more disappointment.

5. What about Abby’s daughter? Is Abby willing to leave her on the West Coast?

6. What the hell does ‘radical honesty’ mean?

7. What happens if Abby meets someone before August? Or Ben meets someone?

8. Ben asks in the final paragraph why he has such intense feelings for Abby. I don’t think it matters why. That’s what love is. However, love can be blind and cloud clear thinking.

9. At least Ben throttled back on the texting. Should he just have said, ‘Adios?’ instead?

I’m all ears. Let me know your thoughts.

Wednesdays are never dull

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

DECEMBER 2, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Wednesdays are never dull

I allowed a dumb thing to happen this Wednesday. I received an email earlier in the week titled “Seeking Clarity” from a widower of two years that in a nutshell had to do with a woman he has been dating. It was lengthy, close to 1,000 words. He wanted to consult with me over the phone.

I read it and immediately felt it had enough widower-dating information to make an interesting eNewsletter for you Champs. Frankly, it’s been a bit difficult to generate meaningful topics since Greta passed away a month ago. My battery is a bit spent.

Anyway, I emailed back to him saying I’d be happy to consult with him and that I’d like to use his story in this week’s eNewsletter and asked for his permission to do so. Four days went by without a response.

So, Wednesday I realized I’d better get a newsletter written for today. I decided to use his story and started editing the material. I changed the names of the people involved and their locations just to protect myself. The project took close to four hours. I finally had what I thought was a worthwhile newsletter that you Champs would respond to.

Around 2 p.m., I got a response from him saying there were some items of information he did not want included and to hold the presses. So, here I had a completed eNewsletter for this week with which I was pleased. And I couldn’t use it. The dumb thing was that I invested four hours without being 100 percent sure it was okay with him. One would think that after 28 years of writing columns, I’d have been smarter than that. Again, I just haven’t been thinking clearly for the last month due to my loss of my mate for 25 years.

So what happened? I’ve been trying to senior downsize and get rid of stuff lately. I looked at one of the boxes in the living room that was filled with 136 Writer’s Digest Magazines, dated from 1987 through 2011. I don’t want to just pitch them out. I used these magazines to learn how to write and how to hone my writing back even before I became a columnist. I attribute the tips in those magazines to helping me learn the trade. Perhaps, a Champ or two will come up with an idea of what I can do with those magazines.

Also, I noticed, on top of the pile, a magazine titled “55 Plus. For Active Adults in Central New York.” It was dated June/July 2011. There was a promo on the front cover that read, “Seniors Using Online Dating Steadily Increasing.”

I started reading the article. It said, “The number of seniors who use online dating services is expected to skyrocket in the coming years…”

I said to myself, “Just for fun, I’ll read this article to see how online dating has changed since 2011.”

Paragraph five blew my mind. It said, “Tom Blake, an Orange County Register columnist and author of several books about finding love after the age of 50, said that more than half of 50 couples he surveyed for a recent book (How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, published in 2009) indicated that they found their current significant others on Internet dating sites.

The next paragraph read, “I was surprised by that,” said Blake, who also publishes a free e-Newsletter for older singles simply called the Tom Blake Newsletter. “And even more interesting was that one site, Match.com, blew away the competition, based on what the people said about their experiences with different sites.

“Changing attitudes are a big part of why so many more people over 50 are dating again,” Blake said. “Some people may elect to never marry again after a divorce, but they are looking to cohabitate.”

I had even more words of wisdom in that article but that’s enough for now. I can’t remember being interviewed by Aaron Gifford, the person who wrote the piece. Finding that story was the result of me being so dumb earlier in the day by writing for four hours, only to put that eNewsletter in the can, to be used in the future.

And here is a surprising coincidence. In the U.S. mail on Wednesday, a condolences card about my losing Greta a month ago arrived in the mailbox. It was from a woman who said, “My ex-boyfriend and I, Susan and Ward, are Chapter 35 in your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. Our chapter is titled, Seeking an ‘intelligent and solvent’ man. Then she went on to explain why they aren’t together anymore. And then my worn-out Wednesday brain started thinking, “Humm, maybe that could be a future eNewsletter topic!”

My book, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 is available on Amazon and my www.Finding Love After 50.com website or email me directly for a special price and signed copy.

So anyway, I hope I also get to use that initial column I wrote for today’s article soon. Knowing you Champs, I think you’d have a field day from what the widower wrote.

Around here, Wednesdays are never dull.