On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 2, 2024
by Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert
Most emails I receive regarding widowed people come from readers age 60+. Hence, I was surprised when Scott, in his 50s, wrote, “I have a girlfriend who is a widow. Her husband passed away about 1.5 years ago and we have dated for a year. We are both in our 50s and it’s really serious and I’ve been thinking about proposing to her.
“I looked at her cellphone while she was driving and saw some contacts. One said, “My True Love,” so I asked her about that. She said that it was her deceased husband’s cell number.
“I don’t know why, but I felt my heart kind of sink, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. She said something like, I’ll have to come up with another name for you. Well, what could top ‘My True Love?’
“Am I making too much out of this, or should this concern me if we were to tie the knot?”
Scott isn’t a Champ. I wondered how he tracked me down, and then I saw that he had read my April 9, 2021, eNewsletter article on my www.findingloveafter50.com website, titled “Widowed people’s dilemma: Remove deceased spouse’s pictures?”
Before I replied to Scott, I accessed that article on my website to see if it might apply to his situation. It didn’t directly—Scott’s question wasn’t about a deceased spouse’s photos around his girlfriend’s house. But the comments from Champs in that April 9, 2021, article apply to any widow or widower who still has precious memories of their deceased spouse.
Hence, I included those comments today.
Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”
Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.
“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”
Kim, a man, said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”
Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years, and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.
“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be forgotten. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”
Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were very much in love and each had pictures of their former spouses around. They talked with each other about the adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”
Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again. When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me, did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.
“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.
“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”
Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new spouse of the nature and profundity of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.
“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”
Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”
Tom’s answer to Scott’s question
“Good question. I lost my partner of 25 years a year and a half ago. There are always things that come up that remind me of her. It’s going to happen to your girlfriend as well.
“Do not make a big deal out of it. It is part of the grieving process. It’s nothing intentional. Don’t rush her to erase the description of her ex from her phone, and don’t rush her to tie the knot. She will need a bit more time to take those steps.
Maybe she’ll write this description of you on her phone, My 2nd True Love.”
On Life and Love after 50 