| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter December 16, 2022 By Columnist Tom Blake |
| Widower gets advice from Champs In last week’s eNewsletter, Ben, a widower of two years, described his relationship with Abby, one of his deceased wife’s best friends, who lives nearly 3,000 miles from him. After a five-day vacation together, on the West Coast, Abby was going to move cross country to live with Ben but changed her mind after pondering it for a few weeks. Ben has intense feelings for her and wonders why he feels so strongly. Abby says she might move in with him after August 2023. I asked for your opinions, and wow oh wow, you came through like Champs—23 responses are included below. Champ Larry’s comment inspired the link to a 1953 oldies song at the end of today’s column. Mary Lou, “All I get from this saga is relief that it’s them and not me. Also, is ‘radical honesty’ different from the truth? “I think Ben needs to move on. I see only trouble ahead. It must be hard to be widowed after 29 years of marriage. Perhaps not enough time has passed since his wife’s death. Before either person moves, get one-on-one counseling.” Belinda, “What disturbed me in this scenario is when Ben said he’s no longer sending any sort of ‘emotion’ in his texts to Abby, rather, he’s sending information about his day. That’s no way to keep a long-distance relationship going, especially with a woman he says he cares for so deeply. “As for the moving thing, Ben and Abby are entitled to their happiness and that means that adult children can either deal with it or launch their own lives elsewhere. At this age, we are way past living for our children’s needs. He’s 62. Time for his own life and pleasure. “His mother has her own self-contained place. His children are grown. The 17-year-old is grown and may be leaving for college in a few months. “The older children should already be established in their lives and no longer living off dad. “If Abby feels she is in love with Ben, they will communicate their individual desires and hopes for the future and come up with a plan that will work for them. “Love at this age is tough to find and we need to cherish it when we are lucky enough to have it. “Children grow up and leave. Ben could live another 20-plus years. Being alone because of more sacrifice for what makes children comfortable at this age is folly. I would actively move them out and move Abby in, make a commitment, and live in happiness.” Nigelle, “Ben is doing the sensible thing by ‘throttling back’ the emotional texting. I don’t feel he loves Abby; I sense he ‘needs’ her, and that can be a powerful factor that clouds the matter.” S (a woman), “Ben’s only been widowed two years. He’s not yet through the grieving process. Abby was handy and convenient albeit too soon. Ben did not have the opportunity to explore other options. Abby had a change of heart. In order to preserve the friendship, and that’s what it is, back away slowly.” Carolyn, “This is what can happen with kids in the senior dating mix. Too many red flags. Her daughter threw a monkey wrench into the plans for Abby to move into Ben’s home. Daughters don’t want their moms to move away from them. “Also, Ben has his mom and one of his sons living with him. Time for Ben to move on.” Patty, “I lost my husband of 47 years in July. I think Abby thought about giving up her space to live with him, his kids, and his mother—the trade-off didn’t equal up. Every woman misses the intimacy, tenderness, and true friendship of a partner, but the process of breaking in someone new is daunting. Abby isn’t his true match.” Kim, “It seems like it was too much too soon. We all know how ‘heady’ love is at first and maybe we perceive things differently at that time. Ben and Abby have a lot on their plates but found a convenient love opportunity. “They should step back for a minute and take that ‘soulmate’ stuff out of the equation. Familiarity is an easy way to slip into a bad relationship. Like best friends that take the plunge and then regret sets in because they miss the ease of friendship.” Colleen, “Maybe Abby feels bad about her private communicating with Ben prior to Ruth’s passing and now doesn’t feel right moving into her best friend’s home.” Alicia, “I think Ben and Abby already knew in their minds that they wanted something romantic and intimate to transpire during their vacation together. Otherwise, why even mention celibacy? Abby probably concluded that they needed to proceed at a slower pace. She likely wants them both to be more certain about the authenticity of their mutual love. If it’s meant to be, it will be. “The intensity of his love for Abby? I believe our hearts can hold love for someone else on different levels and that is okay. It does not diminish his love for his wife, nor does it diminish his love for Abby. If they both can accept this, they can make it happen. “The children will be a part of their lives forever, so it’s appropriate to consider how they feel, and give them time to digest it, and after some time, Ben and Abby will decide if living together is a good idea or not.” Four men speak up Carmelo, “Jump in; take a chance. What’s to lose?” Wayne, “Way too many red flags with this Ben and Abby senior dating situation.” Larry, “Vaya Con Dios, my darling.” (link to the song below) Dave, “My story is included in your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. It’s Chapter 32 (Dave and Franny) and called A Lifetime in Seven Years. For Ben, I quote words of advice from that chapter: ‘Eventually, it dawned on me. What I had to do was accept who and what I was. I needed to like myself, actually love myself before I could love another unconditionally. I needed to prepare myself for the dawn of my new life. “When I would meet that one special lady who was destined to be my unconditional partner.’ Dave continued, “No one has the questions Ben should be asking. Only Ben knows what is within himself. His questions will come from and be generated by his honesty with and about himself; understanding who and what is really his, and where he is now, today, not yesterday.” Tom’s comment: Dave’s Chapter 32 is one of the most sincere, heart-wrenching chapters in the entire “How 50 Couples Found Love after 50” book. He inked those quoted words 13 years ago. Althea, “Abby got caught up in the heat of the five days together, thinking Ben was her soul mate. When she got back home, she had time alone to think; she got cold feet and saw what she would have to give up by moving 3,000 miles away to live with Ben. “Later, in a text, she said ‘maybe’ she’d move to his place in nine months. That’s pretty iffy. They should spend a LOT more time thinking it through and spend more time together on both coasts to see what develops after the rush of emotions settles down.” Margaret, “Too many red flags. Often bad choices are made when a person is senior grieving. Ben should spend more time thinking of the long-term consequences of moving Abby cross country. If things don’t work out for them, it could be disastrous for both of them.” Thyrza, “Both should cool off and let clearer heads prevail. Both have red flags.” Kaitte, “Lots of excuses and red flags. Ben’s household is too crowded with his family. They both should let it go. They can revisit at a later date if and when situations change.” Robbie, “Ben doesn’t want to be single. Amy has come along at the right time, even though they’ve known each other for years. I wish them the best.” Bonnie, “I don’t think she was trying to jilt Ben. She suddenly had life events that needed her attention. We all can get caught up in new love and then life happens. Abby is the one relocating. That is a big deal. Especially when they will share a home with Ben’s elderly mom and son. Perhaps best to plan visits every five or six weeks back and forth. “I think Abby is sincere. It just may take some adjustments along the way. The only factor that may alter Abby’s decision may be her daughter. That’s a big one.” Jeanne, “Way too complicated of a relationship. Adios.” Francine, “Ben has not explored any relationship other than Abby. I think he should date again and if in six months he still has feelings for Abby then he should pursue her. Abby also has to figure things out.” Kathy, “They should both stay where they are. Abby living with his mom and son will never work as everyone needs their own space. They should keep up the texts and calls and rendezvous every three months in different places—e.g., a hotel in Vegas, a condo in Cancun, and a cabin in Colorado.” Deanne, “I am a widow; I understand what Ben is going through. He is looking for the quick and easy with little work or he’s avoiding the uneasiness of starting a new relationship with someone else. Ben could put himself in a worse spot if he doesn’t take his foot off the gas pedal. Vaya Con Dios song (1953) by Les Paul and Mary Ford Link to Vaya Con Dios with Les Paul and Mary Ford |
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