senior social interaction – On Life and Love after 50

Importance of senior social interaction

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 12, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Get off the couch and out of the house Tom is reminded of the importance of social interaction for seniors

I received a telephone call last week from Teresa, the first employee I hired at Tutor and Spunky’s, the Dana Point deli I opened in 1988. Remarkably, Teresa has worked there for 36 years. Teresa said a gentleman named Steve had telephoned the deli and asked how to contact me.

He told her he had purchased at an estate sale a book I had written in 2006 titled, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” He hoped I would be willing to sign the book. Teresa gave me his phone number.

He googled me and sent me an email explaining the book situation. To be certain he was legitimate, I checked information about him on Google. I discovered he has owned SC Pacific Group, a real estate development and construction company for 30 years in nearby Laguna Niguel, and, he had been a chairman of the Laguna Niguel Planning Commission. Great credentials.

Steve and I agreed to meet at Peet’s Coffee in Laguna Niguel. I arrived early, wearing my University of Michigan shirt emblazoned with the famous “M” logo. Soon, a woman came into Peet’s wearing an Ohio State shirt. I showed her my Michigan shirt. We teased each other about being rivals and exchanged football stories. She’s a writer in Laguna Beach, so I gave her a business card. We will likely be in touch. It occurred to me that I would not have met her had I not gotten out of the house.

Steve texted a minute later, saying, “I’ll be the guy in the blue checkered shirt carrying a copy of your book.” Not 10 minutes later, he walked in and we both laughed. Steve said, “I enjoyed your book so much I had to find you and have you sign it.” I happily complied.

Steve told me he had frequently dined at the Victoria Station restaurant in Newport Beach. He had as many stories about his past life experiences as I have about my experiences. I suggested he write a book about his fascinating life. He said he’d been thinking about it. I asked for his permission to use how we met and the details of our meeting in an eNewsletter. He agreed.

I suggested we have a picture taken of the two of us holding the book. A woman standing nearby was waiting for her husband to bring her coffee. I asked if she would take a picture of Steve and me using my cellphone. She pointed to her husband and said, “I’ll have Mel take the picture. I’m Beverly. Who wrote the book?”

I said I had, and mentioned a few details about meeting Steve to sign the book. She said her husband Mel is also a writer and a professional tennis player. He arrived holding their coffees. Steve and I introduced ourselves to Mel and Beverly. Soon, the four of us were chatting and exchanging information about writing and life. What a delightful couple. I gave them a business card and we agreed to be in touch.

Again, I thought to myself, I would never have met these wonderful people if I hadn’t gotten out of the house. In the 45 minutes Steve and I chatted, we became friends. Steve said he would like to meet Bob Freeman, one of the three Victoria Station founders who now owns the Buena Vista restaurant in San Francisco, considered the birthplace of Irish coffee.

Steve mentioned he would be in San Francisco later this month. I said, “If you are driving, will you deliver a case of my books to Bob? He sells the book in the restaurant. Steve said, “Great. Maybe that’s how I can meet him.”

While driving home, I thought of that amazing hour at Peet’s. I have four new friends. That experience reminded me of the importance for seniors to get off the couch and out of the house and socially interact with people.

Social interaction is important for one’s health. Socially active people are proven on average to live longer than people who are couch potatoes. Plus, mingling with people can help combat senior loneliness.

Being lonely is not good for our health. I was pleased to be reminded of the importance of getting off the couch and out of the house.

Adding to the coincidences of that day, at home I received an email from a man named Jay McGuffin, who lives in Antioch, Illinois, He ordered a “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” book, stating that as a customer, he frequented the San Francisco and Northbrook (Illinois) Victoria Station restaurants often. And as a new Champ, He is receiving this eNewsletter today.

The photo below is of Tom and Steve (on the right in his checkered shirt) holding “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” If any Champ would like a signed copy of the book for $12, including shipping, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I’ll explain how we can make that happen.

From The Senior Dating Mailbag

Tom Blake Columnist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

September 15, 2023

From the Senior Dating Mailbag

Today, I feel a bit like Bob Dylan, with words from his song, “Like A Rolling Stone,” one of the most classic songs of all time. Namely, the words, “How does it feel, to be on your own, with not direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone.” (see link below).

In other words, today’s newsletter isn’t just focused on one topic or one direction—no dogs and senior dating, no animals in senior dating, no ghosting stories, no double-whammy events—just some items that arrived in the mailbag, as famous San Francisco Chronicle columnist, Herb Caen, used to call some of his columns. Simply, “From The Mailbag.” So here we go.

Maggie, “I don’t date anymore because I’m convinced there’s a wave of divorces about to hit the market and I can get a pre-trained one for a real bargain.”

Rhonda emailed, “I am a widow. My husband of 38 years died in December 2007 of lung cancer. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I have three children, a daughter aged 50, and two sons, ages 47 and 43. They are decent and hard-working people and lead full and busy lives.

“Am I looking for a mate? Yes, but not very hard. My attitude has been that if the right person falls in my lap, I would probably be pleased. At least my attitude is almost that bad. Yes, I know you’ve warned about that attitude in your column several times and you are probably right. I just don’t like the idea of meeting someone online.”

Tom’s comment to Rhonda: What I’ve said is people rarely have the right person fall into their lap. I encourage senior singles to get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in activities they enjoy. Senior social interaction is important for seniors, especially their health.

And when out and about, singles should be assertive and willing to say hello to strangers who appeal to them. Notice, I did not say aggressive.

I feel one of the best ways to meet someone is still the old-fashioned way, senior dating networking through friends, family, co-workers, and nearly anyone you meet. A woman can say to a man she sees, “I’m single. Do you have any single male friends who are about my age?” And men can say the same, “Do you have any single women friends…” Who knows? The person may respond by saying, “I’m single. Would you like to have coffee?”

And Rhonda, online dating is a personal choice. I’ve done it for about six months now on Match.com, and because Champ Bruce in Ohio suggested I try a site called Zoosk, I’ve been on there as well. I’ve met many nice women who I would not have met otherwise. Who knows? Will someone be the one from one of those sites? Perhaps. I think there is a strong chance of that happening. While there are many issues and considerations and cautions with online dating, it did give me hope as I emerged from the fog of loss.

And as many single Champs know, a bit of hope in a lonely single existence can lift one’s spirits.

I admit that I have taken a hiatus from those sites. Why? I just need to catch my breath. I’m fortunate to have male friends I spend time with and can talk to openly as some of them are in similar situations as I.

And while mentioning online dating, I was interviewed on a podcast this week with the founder, Bela, of the Smart Dating Academy, an online dating advisory service. We were discussing how to reduce disappointing first dates due to misleading photos or personality differences. She suggests people do two or three video chats with a potential date before meeting in person. She suggested Google Meet, a free app that people can use. I think that’s a great idea.

Of course, both people must agree to the pre-first date video. If a person is unwilling to do that, that would be a red flag.

She said people can discover if they have a connection and attraction for each other via the videos. If they do not, they save time and possible embarrassment without even leaving their homes. I will let you know when my recorded podcast interview will air in the future.

Champ John emailed, “Relationship coach Christine Baumgartner’s advice in a recent eNewsletter that treating your human partner as well as you treat your pets is some of the best reader advice I’ve seen in your eNewsletters. I’m going to have to keep that in mine.

Tom’s comment: Christine has been a Champ for years. She and Barry Selby have a weekly podcast about dating and relationship issues. Here’s a link to one of the recent informational emails she sent me.

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ik=c55b9a8fc7&view=pt&search=all&permthid=thread-f:1776778312015180910&simpl=msg-f:1776778312015180910

Phubbing

Another thing that has popped up recently in senior dating and marriages is a phenomenon called “phubbing.” What the heck is that you might ask? It’s when people prefer the company of their smartphones more than the company of their partners. It’s causing increased conflicts among couples. And research has discovered that phubbing negatively impacts intimacy.

One study revealed that almost 17 percent of women will interrupt intimacy to check their phone. Holy cow, that’s astounding. Can you imagine, during intimacy, the partner says, “Excuse me honey, I need to order a pizza.” Or “I forgot to call my friend Jane back so this will only take a minute.”

And now, social media even makes phubbing worse. Often people check their social media outlets multiple times each day. Studies fear phubbing will increase the divorce rate.

Cell phones are bad enough. We see improper cell phone usage all too often. We’ve all experienced when the traffic light turns green and the car in front of us doesn’t move because the person is texting or using their phone.

And, how about the people walking down a sidewalk who virtually run into you because they are only paying attention to their cell phones. I am tempted to say (and do under my breath often), “Get off your….ing cell phone.”

Also, what amazes me is when people walk across a street reading their cell phones and are oblivious to traffic that could hit them.

Don’t let phubbing ruin a first date. Turn off your phone and look at it later.

That’s it for this week. I need to check my phone messages. And I’m not even on a date.

Link to, Like A Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwOfCgkyEj0

Enjoying Love at 80

Widow and widower love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

July 22, 2022

by Tom Blake – columnist

How Susie met Jon

One of the most important things seniors can do to avoid loneliness and have a quality life is to incorporate social interaction into their daily routines. That means getting off the couch, out of the house, and being around people. When seniors do that, positive things often happen. Today’s story is an example.

Thirty-four years ago, I was surfing the Boneyard area of Doheny Beach. There was just one other person surfing there that day. He and I were chatting while waiting for waves to break. His name was Alex Rentziperis; he was opening a barber shop called Sports Barber in Dana Point. Alex has been cutting my hair ever since.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the Sports Barber for a haircut. The shop is located in downtown Dana Point on the second floor above Stillwater, a popular country dancing restaurant.

When I walked in, Alex introduced me to a woman, whose hair he had just cut. He said, “This is Susie, she’s my only woman customer; I’ve been cutting her hair for 25 years.”

I had never seen a woman customer in Alex’s Sports Barber Shop.

Then, Alex said, “Susie has a senior marriage-success story.”

Alex’s words perked my interest. I told Susie I had been writing about senior dating for 24 years. Susie grinned, “I know, I read your column in the Dana Point Times. I thought your recent column, “Where is John?” was funny because my husband’s name is Jon, just spelled a little differently. I found John, we met later in life.”

I asked her a few questions and then asked if she’d email me her story, which she did.

Susie, who is now a Champ (one of my weekly eNewsletter readers), wrote, “In 2009, three of my girlfriends and I decided to go on a Mediterranean cruise. After unpacking in our staterooms, we decided to check out the activities on each deck of the ship. When we reached Deck 12, we noticed that it was 5:00 p.m., saw an outdoor bar, and decided it was time for a glass of wine.

“One friend doesn’t drink alcohol, so she went to listen to music coming up from Deck 4. When the three of us got our wine and turned around, we saw our friend dancing with a man. We wondered, where did he come from?

“After the dance ended, the man introduced himself to we three wine-sippers. His name was Jon; this was the start of a friendship among the five of us.

“Because of high winds during the cruise, the ship could not dock at four of the eight ports. This gave the five of us time to have many conversations and do activities together.

“Jon and I got to know each other and became good friends. After the cruise, we communicated often and spent time together. Amazingly, Jon was from Northern California, and I was from Southern California, and we met halfway around the world! Jon’s version of how we met is ‘Susie picked me up on the love boat.’”

“Jon had been widowed for 1.5 years. I had been widowed for 13 years. Jon told me that if we developed a relationship, I would have more of an adjustment to make because I had been single for so long. A year after the cruise, we were married.

Susie added, “We decided to live in Dana Point because it was the only place with warm fog and no bugs. Jon says it was simply a ‘no brainer.’

“We purchased a condo together; it has been our ‘pinch-me moment.’”

When people venture out to enjoy life, positive things often happen. For Susie, meeting Jon was one of them, and sharing her story with a columnist at the Sports Barber is another.

Senior dating status as 2022 approaches

Sunset over Catalina Island from Waldorf Astoria Resort, with friends, Dana Point, California, November 2021

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – December 3, 2021

by Tom Blake author and columnist

The senior dating status as 2022 approaches

The year 2021 changed senior dating dramatically. Covid 19 was the culprit. In-person social events were canceled or switched to being presented virtually.

For example, I had a “Senior-dating-in-the-digital-age” speech scheduled for September 24 requested by the Orange County Aging Services Collaborative. I was to appear at the Dorothy Visser Senior Center in San Clemente before an audience of 50 people.

My talk was scheduled to be aired simultaneously to nine other OC senior centers with an expected live audience of 40-50 people at each center for a total of 500 people. I was hoping one or two potential couples would meet at each center, but because of Covid, the speech went entirely to Zoom so none of the 500 people could meet in person.

During the pandemic, libraries, restaurants, bars, social clubs, and other gathering spots were closed or open with limited access and saddled with mask restrictions and six-feet apart requirements. Senior social interaction was reduced by at least 80 percent (my guestimate) for most of the year.

Face-to-face meetings, which are essential in cultivating relationships, were rare. Most seniors understandably didn’t want to risk catching Covid. Yes, restrictions have been lifted somewhat in the last three months, but many seniors are still leery and hesitant to venture out. To combat the face-to-face restrictions, many seniors, not all, turned to internet dating, which is a great way to meet new people.

Romance scams and romance scammers

However, singles weren’t the only people using internet dating sites. Romance scammers used the sites to spoof and scam vulnerable seniors. Some seniors tragically lost their savings. The pandemic has been tough on couples who live in different states or countries. Canada’s border was closed for months, which made seeing a loved one in person who lived in Canada nearly impossible. And vice versa for Canadiens.

People in long-distance relationships saw each other less often than they liked. Even flying and driving long distances to see a loved one within the United States was challenging. Larry, a friend, and former neighbor I’ve known for 28 years met a woman in the Philippines Islands a few years ago. He lived with her there but came home to the USA on a short business trip just before Covid started. Since then, he’s had nine trips scheduled to return to be with her but each time the P.I. government did not allow him to reenter the country.

I asked him this week, “Did you finally get to the P.I?” Larry responded, “Still in the OC. Patience has turned to anger, and I really don’t care if I ever go back to the Philippines! But, Emy and I really love each other, so we have other destinations in consideration.”

During the pandemic, I’ve received many inquiries from readers about where they can go to meet someone or if I know of someone that might be right for them. It surprises me when I respond to them with comments or suggestions, some don’t have the courtesy to respond back. How the heck can I help them during this difficult time if that’s how they operate? And do they treat potential dates that way?

And now, there’s a new Covid Variant called Omicron that is possibly contagious and dangerous. Will that make senior dating more difficult again? That’s hard to say, but it certainly is creating more uncertainty. In the 26 years, I’ve been writing about senior dating and relationships, I’ve never seen the senior singles scene so challenging.

Last month, Greta and I met our friends Ron and Lee at the renamed Waldorf Astoria Resort in Dana Point for happy hour and to watch the sunset. Neither couple had been out with friends much for more than a year. The picture above was taken from our outdoor table. Catalina Island is on the horizon. I suggest singles try to get out with vaccinated friends, but oh-so-carefully. Wear masks, avoid crowded places, gather outside when possible. Be vaccinated.

Network through friends and organizations by asking people if they know of other singles who would like to meet people. That was the old-fashioned way of meeting potential mates pre-internet. Also, consider internet dating, but if you go that route, do so carefully. Beware of scammers; they lurk on every site. Trust your instincts. And if you do connect online with someone interesting, meeting in person sure has its challenges. Don’t give up. Modify your expectations. You never know who’s around the corner or in the next aisle at a store. Be friendly. Be upbeat. That guy wearing the Santa Claus suit and beard might be perfect for you.

Hopefully, 2022 will be better for senior dating. We’ll keep you posted.

Part 2 – One more “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark” book signing

My third, and likely final book signing for my recently published book, is scheduled for Saturday, December 11 at, where else? Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. If any of you would like an autographed copy shipped to you, I will sign and mail one for $24.00, which includes tax, shipping, and handling. Simply email me at tompblake@gmail.com.

Overcoming senior loneliness

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 6, 2018

The key to overcoming single senior loneliness and the blues

At the end of last week’s newsletter, I asked Champs for their opinions on senior loneliness, and what can be done to lessen it.

As I read the comments, I realized that many of the suggestions for overcoming loneliness were almost identical to tips we’ve stated before regarding how to improve one’s chances for meeting a potential mate.

Here are a few of the valuable suggestions from last week:

Thyrza, California, said, “I think loneliness happens to any age, gender or what have you in life. I was very lonely when my parents moved me with them away from my friends.

“I felt a touch of loneliness when I was a full-time, stay-at-home mom. Now at my age, a widow living alone, loneliness still creeps in. It does not bother me as much as when I was younger with my responsibilities as mom and wife.

“Loneliness affects everyone, but I learned that freedom to do what I want with my life released me from that feeling. I know it will always be part of one’s life but the freedom to act to get out of the loneliness rut is to be embraced. Embrace loneliness and know when to release the feeling. It is just a feeling anyway.”

Jackie, Tampa, Florida, emailed, “Loneliness is the biggest challenge for me as a single. I don’t mind eating out or traveling alone, but sometimes it would be nice to have a companion to share the experiences with.

“I don’t have many female friends who are financially able to travel or go out much. And I’m not a spendthrift, but I would enjoy spur-of-the moment road trips or dinner and a movie with a friend. Before I die, I would love to be in a mutually loving, supportive, and respected relationship.

Esther, Brooklyn, New York, “As a single woman, retired teacher, with no children and little family, I understand how loneliness can be a destructive force if not well addressed. To avoid loneliness, there are several things I do:

-Maintain contact with a small group of close friends with whom I share birthdays, holidays and life events

-Volunteer at the local library, museum and Botanical Garden

-Work as a private English tutor three days a week

-Interact with people of all ages with various needs. My local college offers a broad lifelong learning program with varied courses, travel opportunities and cultural events. I am an active participant

“Never miss a regularly scheduled appointment whether it be a dental, medical or beauty appointment

“Living in New York City, I am able to attend many, diverse cultural and social events. The Harbor Fitness, a state-of-the-arts gym near me, offers a fabulous ‘silver sneakers’ program for people over 55. I work out and socialize regularly.

“Through the internet, I keep in contact with old friends and relatives who live far away. Mainly, I do not feel alone. I am busy, significant and connected!”

Jon, Olympia, Washington, “The reason loneliness can be such a problem is we are ingrained with the philosophy that we must have another person in our lives to be ‘whole.’ Obviously, this is not the universal answer, citing the number of people in miserable marriages and a high divorce rate.

“Doing things in which a person finds fulfillment–not solely to be busy and taking up time–can reduce the feeling that they need an intimate relationship with another person. A few close friends can help make up the difference.”

JoAnn, “Get a dog. Best friend, a laugh and cuddle a day!”

Jack of All Trades, “On LONELINESS as a health issue: I’m glad the surgeon general has declared loneliness as an epidemic. If all goes well, this will lead to more programs for companionship and enjoyment for older people. On the other hand, it might backfire in some way—causing problems for the lonely. Better awareness of old-age loneliness ought to be a good thing.

“(But probably nothing will alleviate the problem of adult children more interested in ‘their’ money than in their parents’ happiness.)”

Bonnie, California, wrote, “I have great compassion for those experiencing loneliness; It is debilitating.

“I have been able to mostly escape that condition because I am an only child. Without playmates under my roof during my growing-up years, I had to invent my own fun. Creativity, reading, and writing were my friends.

“Now, at 64, and a single, empty-nester mom, those are also my adult enjoyments. I work full-time as a designer and read and write at every opportunity. I also love to travel solo, because my interests are specific, and I like to be able to pace myself and my energy as I go. For that reason, I avoid travel tours.”

“However, if I was seeking companionship, I would reach out to the cultural community and volunteer as a docent. Or at an animal shelter and offer two times a week to give love to the yet-to-be adopted pets.

“Or, save for a river cruise on the Seine. Always, always have something to look forward to. Open your home to a once-a-month pot luck dinner. Drive for Meals on Wheels. (My 96-old uncle still drives and serves others!) Give time at your house of worship.

“Take a free class at a local college. Your calendar will be bursting at the seams with interesting tasks and interesting people and new ideas. And others will be blessed by your contributions.”

Tom’s comment:

There is one key that ties these pieces—overcoming loneliness, combating boredom, and improving one’s chances of meeting a potential mate–together. I wrote about the key in the final eNewsletter of 2017, which was titled, “The five things I’ve learned in three years of retirement.”

That key: seniors must have senior social interaction with people. That is the most important thing I’ve learned in retirement.

Senior social interaction–absolutely essential for seniors

That December, 2017, newsletter included these three paragraphs:

“If retired people let socializing with others slip away–they might be sitting around the house or watching too much mindless TV, for example–their retirement will become boring, lonely and meaningless. To be too isolated is not good for one’s health.

“A good way to interact with people is by joining groups. Meetup.com lists thousands of groups and activities and should provide plenty of ideas for people not sure what to do to meet others.

“And one last thing about senior social interaction after retirement. Try to mix social interaction with younger people into your life—kids, grand kids, great grand kids, for example, or friends younger than yourself can keep you thinking young. That’s very important.”

Years ago, a woman said to me, “I’ve been married and unhappy, and single and unhappy. Being single and unhappy is better, in that I can more readily do something about it by getting out of the house and involved in activities I enjoy. I can interact with and meet new people. Whereas, being married and unhappy, isn’t something you can change overnight. Social interaction is more difficult. Divorce takes its toll in time, stress and money.”

So, if you are feeling lonely, get out there and make social interaction a high priority.

Note from Tom Blake

Similar articles to the one above by Tom Blake appeared in these three newspapers