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| A good place to meet men. The Palm Springs, California Air Museum. One of nearly 100 vintage airplanes on display |
 On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter May 2, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake Is 83 too Old to Date? In the March 21 eNewsletter, Champ Susie commented, “Question: how does a woman become attracted to an older man? Or, if you are a man, how do you become attracted to an older woman? I am 83 and take good care of myself. I still look pretty good after years of working out and being a dancer. I never let myself go. “I want to go on a dating site, but my age of 83 stops me. I would not be interested in a man 83, and I figure no one would be interested in me at 83.” This week, Champ Leslie responded to Susie’s above comment. “This is addressed to Susie at age 83. You never know where or when you might meet someone. Though my man friend and I met at 75, we are each 83 now. The last two men I’ve been in long-term relationships with, each for eight years (the previous one was from 2001-2009), were both from my high school class. I chaired the reunions when we connected both times. The current 83-year-old is still active. “I live near the Villages in Florida, and people here meet constantly. My significant other lives 90 miles north of my place, close to Tampa, and we’re usually at his place. Being your age, Susie, I understand how you feel about online dating. “I know of a man who had never married, and he married someone also from my high school class. None of these relationships were from online dating. Both members of this last couple were volunteers for Meals on Wheels. “Tom, I look forward to your eNewsletters; they’ve helped me very much these last several years. Thank you for sharing last week’s article about the dolphin rescue. Dolphins are amazing animals. I am also on the Quora website you mentioned last week. Tom’s comment: Seniors who are willing and able to get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in activities increase their chances of meeting a potential mate. Leslie makes a good point. She met her last two partners when she chaired her high school reunions. Even if you don’t serve as the reunion chairperson, still attend them if you are seeking a mate near your age, with the added benefit of sharing the common bond of having attended school together. Eight years ago, I wrote a column about two of my high school classmates who never dated each other, but he managed to track her down 50 years later. She lived 2,000 miles away. He told me, “I always had a crust on her.” To say the least, I was shocked when they got married and appeared at my doorstep “just to say hello.” Not only is volunteering a wonderful way to help people, but it also exposes you to people you would have never met. Leslie mentioned Meals On Wheels as an example Other activities include playing pickleball or other sports. Attending church and Chamber of Commerce events and walking your dog is another thing to do. This previous weekend, my significant other Debbie and I were in Palm Springs. On Friday, we visited the Air Museum, located across the main runway from Palm Springs International Airport. It’s known as the best Air Museum in the USA. I highly recommend adding a visit there to your Palm Springs “must-see” check-off list. There are nearly 100 vintage warplanes dating back to WWII, including the photo above. You can also sit outside and watch the commercial jets arriving and departing at Palm Springs Airport with the best seats in the desert for doing that. But here’s my point about the Air Museum. It’s a place to meet people. It’s manned totally by volunteers, women and men. Those volunteers interact daily with multiple museum visitors. Most of the volunteers are seniors and men. What a wonderful place to volunteer and visit (and maybe meet your potential mate). Leslie makes a good point about online dating in our 70s and 80s. It’s a challenge, but it can still work. Posting a photo of oneself when we are in our 80s is frightening (voice of experience). I understand Susie’s hesitancy to do so. But it can work, I met Debbie online (on Zoosk) two years ago when I was also 83. However, getting off the couch and meeting people face-to-face is a better way for seniors to meet potential partners compared to searching online. Scam Alert This Monday, while I was preparing today’s eNewsletter, unexpectedly, my computer screen locked, saying Microsoft Security was protecting it and I should call 855-793-6220. I sensed a scam and shut off my computer 3 times, and the screen was still locked when I turned the computer back on. Then, I remembered the magic of CTL-ALT-DELETE, holding down all 3 keys at once. That did it. The screen was unlocked when I tried to open it the next time. I checked online with my backup computer, and a search revealed that the phone number is a scam. |
Tag: senior online dating
Single seniors be assertive
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| Champ Sharon Likes Guinness and Ireland |
| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 6, 2024 Single Singles Be Assertive By Columnist Tom Blake |
| Sharon (from Pennsylvania) wrote, “I sure am glad you continue writing because I enjoy hearing from you every Friday and yes you are blessed with the gift of writing. I love how your wonderful, fun, and upbeat personality comes across in some way within every writing! “I agree that we Champs need to get out there and socialize. You and I exchanged emails two or three years ago and you encouraged me then on ways to meet someone. “I am always keeping the thought of meeting a truly nice, humorous, and fun guy in my mind as I go about my days. I met a man at a classmate’s funeral. He asked if the seat beside me was taken and I said no. I liked him instantly and we talked and found out we attended the same school; he was a year behind me. He also had known my Dad. “He asked me if I was married and I said no; he said he wasn’t either. After the funeral, he asked me if I wanted to walk at a local park. I did, we communicated well, and he held my hand as we walked around the park. We even kissed and I was starting to think wow I can’t believe I am meeting this man. “Then he was honest with me and said he lives with a woman, my heart sank. He wanted to see me again and I said ‘No, it sounds like you already have a girlfriend!’ So much for that! “I keep busy taking care of my house inside and out. I am meticulously fussy with keeping everything neat and have had several men stop and talk while I was outside. One even told me his wife passed away last year and that he was taking a trip out West, but I haven’t seen him walking since. “I play pickleball or work out at Spooky Nook Sports (A sports complex in Lancaster County, PA) most days. And I attend a class breakfast and a retirement lunch each month. Plus, I go to all three of my grandsons’ sports events every chance I get, and the normal store jaunts and church on Sunday. “I’ve had no luck meeting anyone, I am beginning to think good men are hard to find and think I should just be happy with my own company. Maybe people are more friendly in California than in Pennsylvania!” Tom’s response to Sharon Sharon, Thank you for your kind comments. To me, Champs are trusted friends. I call them privately ‘Tom Blake’s Senior Champs’. Or Tom’s Champs for short. Hence, I am comfortable being open, honest, and comfortable with all of you. Most single Champs, both men and women, would like to meet a nice, humorous, and fun potential mate. Besides those three important characteristics, many Champs (women and men) tell me that senior physical attraction is at or near the top of their characteristics-wanted list. And I am one of them. The guy you met at the funeral was a snake. He asked if you were married and you said no. Then, he responded that he wasn’t married either, inferring he was unattached. He held your hand and kissed you. Wow, that is physical attraction right off the bat. I don’t blame you for feeling uplifted at that moment. Instant chemistry is the stuff that dreams are made of. You said he was honest with you. I think you mean, honest after he acted like he cared for you. He held your hand, kissed you, and later confessed he lives with a woman. He was a dorkster (a term not recognized in the English language but one that my favorite brother-in-law uses often). I imagine that every Champ who reads today’s eNewsletter would have had their heart sink as well under those circumstances. It was the old bait-and-switch method. And you did the right thing by saying no, you would not see him while he is living with a woman. Regarding the guy who walks by your house whose wife has passed away, if you are attracted to him, the next time you see him, invite him over for coffee or a bite to eat. And check out the other men who walk past. If you don’t see a wedding ring or a woman holding onto their arm, ask them casually if they are single. Be assertive, not aggressive. If you suspect a man is single, and you find him appealing, suggest you get together. Continue doing the things you currently do outside: attending the grandkids’ events, pickleball, luncheons, breakfasts, store jaunts, and church. Those are so critical. It increases your chances of meeting a potential mate, but being active and keeping your body moving is good for your health. Remember, it only takes one person. Continue trying to meet someone in your city. That beats the heck out of online dating. Remember, be friendly and always smile. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of the men you see and their status. You might try online dating in the future, but it’s a whole new endeavor. And yes, good men are hard to find. But they are out there. And for men, compatible women are hard to find. Yes, the ratio of single women to single men puts men at an advantage. But neither women nor men should give up hope. Keep searching. Pursue every opportunity. We just never know when fate or a higher power will step in to help us. Yes, be happy with your own company, but don’t stop trying to meet someone. As Fleetwood Mac sang in their song, “Don’t Stop”: “Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here”It’ll be better than before”Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone” (song link below) Are men in California friendlier than in Pennsylvania? Probably not, there just are more of them. But, of course, there are more women in California too, so that evens out with the great state of PA. Please keep us posted. Champs tell me they want to hear about the journeys other Champs are experiencing. I wish you well. And if any Champ would like to contact Sharon, let me know. I will put you in touch with her. Link to Fleetwood Mac song, Don’t Stop: Bing Videos |
Fantasy
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| Authentic Autographed USFL football owned by Tom |
| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 30, 2024 Senior Dating Fantasy and Football By Columnist Tom Blake |
| The first paragraph of my initial newspaper column read “Unfortunately, many of you have been there, are there now, or will be soon. Where? Middle-aged and dating again.” The second paragraph was, “I won’t bore you with why my wife and I separated. The separation occurred Christmas time, 1993.” That initial column was titled “Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company” and appeared on July 7, 1994, in the Dana Point News and the “Laguna Niguel News in South Orange County, California. Seeing my column that day in the two newspapers nearly floored me. Why? Six months before, when the separation happened, I wasn’t a writer, let alone a newspaper columnist. But it’s amazing what can happen to people when adversity strikes. Opportunity often arises later and when it does, people should seize it. And now, 30 years after that first column appeared, I feel as blessed as I felt then to have my articles appear in printed newspapers and eNewsletters. In 1994, middle-aged dating was difficult. I wasn’t prepared for it. But as Frank Sinatra sang in My Way, “…when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.” I muddled through and wrote columns about the senior dating challenges I faced. Newspaper readers, mostly singles, shared their information with me by leaving messages on the newspaper’s telephone information lines. That information enabled me to continue writing columns with fresh material. I started writing eNewsletters 20 years ago. The topics in the newsletters and newspapers are not the same. Yes, sometimes they are similar but often totally different. Two weeks ago, at Oggi’s Sports Brewhouse in Mission Viejo, California, a group of old buddies gathered for our annual fantasy football draft, which began 36 years ago. Our fantasy league’s name is TMFL, an acronym for Tooter’s Morning Football League. My nickname has been Tooter ever since 1988 when I opened Tutor & Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point. In 1990, when I started the fantasy football league, the founding 12 franchises named it TMFL. And some of them still call me “Toot.” Six of the original 12 are still in our group. Before the Internet arrived, we all drafted together in one room, usually at Tutor & Spunky’s. Now, some choose to draft online remotely, using the CBS Fantasy Sports website. For those of us who still draft together in person, we have fun being together, although we draft online, but in the same room. One of our league members, Jason Gross, whom I’ve known for 20+ years, asked, “Are you still writing those middle-aged dating articles?” I said, “Yes. I’m at about 5,000 articles in 30 years, but it’s not about middle-aged dating anymore. I now call it senior dating.” Jason said, “How do you come up with fresh material?” I replied, “As we age, more and more people become single, be it through divorce, or the passing of a partner. Or they are single because they haven’t met ‘their’ person yet. They seek information to help them find a mate and their numbers keep growing. “I can keep my topics fresh because of my eNewsletters. My readers are called Champs and they always send in information I can use as topics. They ask questions and share dating experiences—some are success stories and some are simply their frustrations with senior dating. Jason Gross said, “It’s important for seniors who have been afraid to start dating again and those who may be lonely or want to make new associations, to get off the couch and socially interact with people.” I said, “It doesn’t have to be with only single members of the opposite sex. Married friends and family members can help people ease loneliness.” Jason and I gave each other a high-five. It was time for our football draft to begin so I accessed the pages of football research notes I had generated over the recent weeks and placed them on the table for easy access. Making sense of the online football draft was more confusing and time-consuming than senior online dating. That discussion with Jason at the fantasy football draft made me realize that senior dating is a topic that will never grow old. Perhaps it’s time to focus on writing about it for 10 more years. The title might become, “Senior dating in our 80s.” Egad, when that first column was written in 1994, I had no idea how many more there would be. Had someone said “5,000,” I would have probably put the pencils and paper away and retired from journalism right then and there. So Champs, please continue sending in your comments and questions, we need to keep the senior dating information current. And you are the reason this fantasy dating column can continue. By the way, my first pick in the draft was Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen. My fantasy is he will score at least a couple of TDs this weekend. |
Online Senior Dating Scam
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 7, 2024
by Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert
| Senior Man Gets Scammed |
| I used to be an advocate for senior online dating. It gave lonely seniors who were having no luck meeting a potential partner hope that they might meet someone by casting their nets far and wide to areas that had been inaccessible to them. I still believe in senior online dating but with words of caution. After losing Greta, my partner of 25 years, in October 2022, I was one lonely dude. This loneliness emotion affects nearly every senior who has suffered the loss of a partner. Five months later, while sitting home on another empty Saturday night, I tried senior online dating. I had written about online dating, based upon stories Champs had sent me, but frankly, I didn’t know my fanny from first base about its intricacies. I joined Match.com, and a lesser-known dating site, Zoosk. It was overwhelming. I was creating a profile, adding photos, trying to guess who to believe, and what to believe, and hearing from people who lived far away. Some from other cities, states, and foreign countries. Simply overwhelming. Within days, a woman replied on Zoosk. “I love your profile. I admire that you are a writer. I live near you in Oceanside (about a half hour away). I hope we can get together soon. My photos are current.” I checked her photos. There were eight of them. She was drop-dead gorgeous, age 63, 20 years younger. She sent another email: “I will be in Northern California for about a month. I will keep in touch while gone and want to meet you in person when I come home.” I wondered if she was for real. I also wondered why a gorgeous woman 20 years younger would be interested in a man 83. We kept in touch and spoke on the phone a few times. She sent more current pictures, some of her playing pickleball. Slowly, I was starting to believe she was for real. When she returned, she texted, “Can we meet in Dana Point Harbor in front of Harpoon Henry’s and go for a walk?” When I saw her, it took my breath away. She looked like her pictures. She gave me a big hug. Our walk lasted an hour. She held my hand. She asked if we could meet again two days later for a similar walk. During the second walk, she said she’d love to live in Dana Point but knew nothing about Dana Point real estate and it would be helpful if she could see my home. I showed it to her. No hanky panky, just a 10-minute tour. We agreed to meet again. She said we had a lot in common. A day later, she sent a text, “If I move in with you, I wouldn’t want to be tossed to the street if you pass away before I pass away, so I would need you to change your estate plan to leave me the house.” I was amazed that she wanted to live together. And shocked that she wanted to inherit the home I had lived in for 30 years. When I said it was too soon to consider that, we hadn’t even kissed yet, she wrote, “I can’t see you anymore.” At least I hadn’t spent a penny on her. A quick online dating lesson learned: When something sounds or someone looks too good to be true, it most likely is. And even though you’ve met someone real in person, and it appears you like each other, it doesn’t mean you put your guard down and trust that person unconditionally. Relationships take time to build. This past Sunday, Champ Mark sent me an online (The Wall Street Journal) article titled ‘She Hooked Me’: How an Online Scam Cost a Senior Citizen His Life’s Savings. The article spelled out in great detail how a senior man, age 75, lost his life’s savings to a scammer who claimed to be age 37, rich, a Chinese immigrant woman looking for love who contacted him via LinkedIn. I read the 24-page article to see the details. Although the victim was a successful, professional man, who lived in the Midwest, he let his infatuation and naivety overrule his intelligence. He ignored a huge red flag right out of the gate: an age gap of approximately 45 years. Come on now! The scammer enticed him by sending inviting pictures of her. They likely weren’t real. He took the bait. She slowly reeled him in, a ploy by scammers. She convinced him to join an online site called WhatsApp. It’s not a dating site. It keeps conversations and messages private. I’ve used it to communicate with friends who live in Austria. But lately, I’ve been getting bitcoin promotions on WhatsApp so I sense the scammers are trying to trap me into some b.s. scheme. The scammer and the victim had only one very brief phone call which should have been another red flag to him. Slowly, through deception and promises of love, as detailed in the article, she gained his trust and reeled him into financial investments. The victim believed she was a gift from a higher power. He never met her in person. What the heck was he thinking? I’ve always said a person can’t fall in love with an image, you must meet the person face-to-face. This victim didn’t make that happen. He believed her excuses of why she couldn’t meet. He let his imagination control his decision-making. He was vulnerable to manipulation. I’m not suggesting single seniors should avoid online dating. I know many couples who met their partners using online dating sites and are together. I’m one of them. Just be smart. Trust your instincts.I met my woman friend a year ago on Zoosk. She lives about a half-hour’s drive away. Also, scammers don’t only exist on online dating sites. They can be lurking anywhere they smell an opportunity. LikedIn and WhatsApp are not dating sites. So, have your guard up with every stranger you meet. Another Champ, Francine from Florida, emailed this week, “I’m so tired of online dating. I see the same old, same old men.” She’s decided to take a break from the disappointments she is finding online. She also added, “I have fewer tomorrows than I have yesterdays. So, I’m making all of them count.” If you’d like to read the entire WSJ article, here’s the link. You can listen to it on the WSJ site as well. Thanks again to Mark for alerting us about it. ‘She Hooked Me’: How an Online Scam Cost a Senior Citizen His Life’s Savings – WSJ |
Two Senior men discuss 6 senior dating boundaries
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How soon to date after losing a mate?
Also, Seniors how soon to online date after losing a mate?
By Tom Blake – Senior dating specialist and columnist
(The above picture of Gloria and Peter courtesy of Gloria P)
Eleven years ago, I corresponded with Champ Gloria in Florida who told me about her meeting a man who lived an hour and a half away from her. His name was Peter. They became a long-distance relationship couple and about two years later they moved in together.
Gloria sent me photos of them together in 2014—a very handsome couple (see photo above). I did a column on their relationship and in the column, I named Peter “The Italian Stallion.” Gloria would occasionally keep me posted on their relationship. In the last couple of years, she mentioned that Peter was having some health issues, about which she was concerned.
A few days ago, Gloria emailed news that shocked and saddened me: “I’m 70. I lost my partner of 11 years on January 12, 2023. I realize that you lost Greta in October. I know you have joined two online dating sites. I need your advice. Is it too early for me to start online dating? Please comment on your senior online dating experience.”
I replied to Gloria. “Two months ago, I was in my Dana Point home on a Saturday night, feeling empty, lost, and missing Greta terribly. Loneliness is awful. I thought I cannot continue feeling like this. I need hope. I need a woman to talk to. And maybe even a hug. Yes, I’ve met a few nice women, but there hasn’t been a relationship connection yet.
“So, I took a deep breath and joined Match.com, and another site called Zoosk, which a Champ Bruce in Ohio had recommended to me. After seeing the first few profiles and faces of potential mates, I felt new hope in my life.
“Since then, I’ve learned a lot about senior online dating. I’ve learned through my own experience that there are scammers on all sites. The most important thing is: What one sees in a profile may not be what you see when you meet in person. Pictures are often outdated, perhaps taken years ago. People may not be as available as they claim they are.
“A few women 20-years-younger+ have raved at my profile. I’d be in disbelief, even feel amazed. And then, at some point, their true motivation revealed itself. Some might have had their eyes on my modest assets, not on me.
“I have met some wonderful women both online and out socially.
“Have I had online dating success? Let’s just say I’m a work in progress. Navigating a road, I never envisioned I’d be on. There is a lot of baggage out there, including my senior dating baggage. I’m thinking about opening a senior dating baggage resale store.
I’ve heard a lot of this: ‘I want to be just friends.’
(see picture below)
“So, Gloria, when is it time for you to try online dating? Probably when you decide that loneliness sucks. And then, as I did, you need to become more assertive in meeting potential mates.
“So, a senior question, when to online date? A senior must decide whether online dating is right for her or him, and the timing of when to begin is strictly up to each person. There is no right or wrong answer. Online dating can be a valuable item in the senior dating-again marketing toolbox.”
“Some people will be critical of you and of me for both venturing out into the online dating world so soon after losing our mates. I guess they want us to stay home, mope, and be depressed.
“However, they haven’t walked in our shoes (as Elvis once said). A couple of months ago I wrote that Johnny Cash had said that. My Champ buddy, Michael, who knew Elvis personally, corrected me on that slight error.
“And tonight, I’ll raise a glass of Chianti Classico in honor of the “The Italian Stallion” and a glass of Chardonnay in honor of Greta. Does that make me a two-fisted drinker? Probably so, those two wonderful people both deserve a toast.
“Keep the faith, Gloria. Don’t overthink your situation. Just let it be and let us know when you choose to decide to go online.”
Senior online dating in Palm Springs
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter Apil 21, 2023
By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake
Editor’s note: there are three parts to today’s eNewsletter
Part 1 – Senior Online Dating in Palm Springs
I’ve been staying at my Palm Springs vacation home for nearly two weeks. I hesitated to mention in recent eNewsletters that I was going to be in Palm Springs because I have four friends who read the columns and who live in the area. They might wonder why I didn’t contact them on this short visit.
The answer is simple. I’ve had several home maintenance items to tackle before my next tenant arrives in a week. That tenant will be at my home for only two weeks and then I will return to PS and contact my buddies who live out here at that time.
Also, I knew I’d be occupied with trying to meet some local women online. Being out here without Greta for the first time in five years is brutally lonely. Meeting some new people helps ease the pain and can give one hope. Many people online are in a similar situation. They have lost their mates also; so, many of us have that in common who are using online dating sites, and yet we are still grieving.
I wondered if my initial month-long senior online dating effort which had previously focused on my Dana Point zip code perimeter of 25 miles was wasted by my coming to Palm Springs. The answer is no. I’ve met some wonderful women in the Dana Point area. Just no lasting connection yet.
But I wondered how would I meet women within a 35-mile radius of Palm Springs while staying out here.
I learned that it’s very simple to search the Coachella Valley area by just switching to my Palm Springs zip code on both Match.com and Zoosk dating site, the two sites I use. Presto, women within a half-hour drive and closer suddenly appeared. Besides them living in Palm Springs, other cities pop up such as Palm Desert, Rancho Mirage, La Quinta, Cathedral City, Indian Wells, Indio, and even Beaumont and Banning. It’s been an adventure and learning experience for me.
Women in the Coachella Valley are extremely talented. They play pickle ball, golf, swim, do water aerobics, paint, hike, and ride horses.
Part 2 – Painting benches and picnic tables for the city of Palm Springs
This past Saturday, while on Match.com, I was chatting with a Palm Springs realtor. She asked where I attended college. I said The University of Michigan. The realtor said she knows a woman named Diane Morgan in Palm Springs who also graduated from The University of Michigan and is a talented painter and has worked on some painting projects for the city of Palm Springs.
The realtor said Diane was having a bench she painted in Demuth Park Palm Springs, an expansive park in the heart of Palm Springs, dedicated that very evening and suggested I go see it and say hello to Diane.
I had nothing to do so I went to Demuth Park and met Diane there. We had time to chat. Her freshly painted bench with the Hummingbird on it was dedicated to the city that night, is pictured above. Diane said she was told the Mayor would show up and say a few words about the new bench. I didn’t stick around for that.
The point of this story is that positive things can happen when seniors use online dating sites. The people you connect with might not be a match, but they might know of other people who could be.
And those other people might not be online. Diane wasn’t online, but she was great for me to meet.
Diane also mentioned she had been commissioned by the city of Palm Springs in the past to paint two benches on Palm Canyon Drive, near the famous Sonny Bono statue (many Champs have sent pictures of themselves posing with the Sonny statue). One bench is 10 yards south of the statue and the other one is across the street from that first bench in front of the Birkenstock Store. The latter bench is dedicated to “Saving the Bees.” (Photo below by me).
In addition, Diane mentioned that she hired the artist who designed a unique fountain called The Rainmaker, which is located at the intersection of North Palm Canyon Drive and Alejo Road, a couple of blocks north of Diane’s benches.
OK, OK, I know you Champs are wondering, was there a relationship connection with Diane? No, but Diane and I became friends; she’s already in a relationship. However, It was the experience of meeting an interesting new person that was so enriching.
One thing that made me chuckle about senior online dating hair color. I’ve usually dated brunettes. And then I realized that the women aged 65+ on Match.com and Zoosk are almost all blondes. I’m guessing that blonde hair more easily covers the gray hair most of us have as we age. Some, of course, show their true gray hair. I might want to take a lesson from them regarding my ultra-white hair. At 80+, it is what it is.
Another thing that brings a smile is the unique name some women post to their profile on the front page. Here are a few examples:
BabyGrand – Why? She owns and plays a Baby Grand piano.
AlwaysBhappySim – She claims to be the world’s best parallel car parker.
CheerfullyTough – I guess her name means don’t mess with her.
Aaliwood,71 – Perhaps she spends her off season in Hollywood.
BJZ,76 – Anyone’s guess.
Papillion, 73–Is she seeking Steve McQueen or Dustin Hoffman from the Papillon movie?
TuscanyDawn – She must love Italy, at least in the morning.
Carpe diem, 73 – She must like seizing the day.
Part 3 – Champ Jane decides to begin online dating after 15 years
Champ Jane emailed this week, “Thank you for your newsletter. I have been reading it for a long time. I even came to one of your singles nights at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point many years ago. I now live in Eugene, Oregon.
“I have not done any online dating for at least 15 years. But I’m ready to put that toe in the water again. So, I have really enjoyed the current online-dating thread in your eNewsletter. Tips and all.
“I find it very odd when women say they will only date a man taller than them. My sister has been married to one of my favorite men in the entire world for 50 years. They have an incredibly wonderful relationship. He is at least two inches shorter than her. How much they would have both missed if something like height had kept them from that initial date.
Height-wise, I am 5’8”. I have dated two men who were shorter than I am. Truthfully, it kind of turns me on when a shorter man flirts with me. It makes me think he has a healthy self-image.
“I am in Southern California and will be back in Oregon at the end of May. That is when I will post my profile.
Tom’s question: “Jane, What made you decide to put your toe into the dating water again after 15 years?”
Jane replied: “I had two short-term relationships with two very nice men, but the connection wasn’t there. Plus, I have dated a bit here and there. Then there was Covid.
“And then on Labor Day, 2020, my house and all my possessions perished in a fire. That was sobering.
“I purchased a home that needed a lot of work. Much more than I thought. That was also sobering.
“I am trying to make a new life in Eugene. I do love the thought of a companion. But the difference is that now I feel worthy of a relationship. I feel that I have a lot to give. However, it must be the right person. What that means is someone I’m attracted to; someone I can laugh with. Someone caring and kind.
“Meanwhile, I’m doing some art, taking classes, and getting my dancing shoes out of the closet (now that venues are open to dance again). I’m trying to get out in nature, and I am enjoying my life.
“I now don’t feel at all desperate. I have a very full life. If I find that certain someone, it will be the icing on the cake. So, here is to living life at its fullest and remaining grateful for my blessings.”
Thanks, Champs. It would be rewarding to hear why other Champs have also decided to resume senior online dating. Fill us in.
Senior Dating Follies
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 31, 2023
Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake
I was amazed at how many Champs responded to last week’s “Mom’s Books” eNewsletter, in which Victoria, a former neighbor, helped me downsize by finding homes for my mom’s books. Like Victoria, many of you are book lovers. And a few of you mentioned how the article inspired you to put other downsizing projects near the top of your to-do lists.
Today’s topic: Senior Dating Follies
Today we focus on the realities of senior dating. It’s one of those “spraying to all fields,” articles, as the incomparable San Francisco Chronicle columnist Herb Caen used to describe articles that covered a plethora of different topics all in the same column. Caen, of course, was referring to a baseball batter who could spray hits to right field, center field, or left field–scattered all over the place.
Champ Dyana emailed, “I was happy to find your Findingloveafter50.com website because dating at my age can be daunting. I have a profile on Match.com and am starting to meet a few people.
“The struggle within myself now is wondering how much, and how important is physical attraction (senior chemistry). Can it grow if it’s not there at the start? I hear tales of that happening. Of course, aside from that, attraction for a person’s character, mind, and values are imperative.”
Tom’s response: “I suggest, Dyana, that you make your own priority list of characteristics wanted in a mate. If physical attraction is a lower priority for you, move it down your list. Perhaps “availability” and “geographic location” are more important. From your photo, I see you have a wonderful smile. That’s an important asset in the senior dating world. For me, physical attraction tops my list. Sort of frightening, at my 80+ age, but that’s how I’m built.
Francine emailed, “Senior dating online is not for the faint-hearted. I’ve been doing it on and off for 10 years. My favorite husband (#3) passed away 11 years ago and then eight months later I met Bob on Match.com. We dated for five years until his untimely death. Both men were in their late 60s.
Tom’s comment: Francine’s losses made me think about a grief-sharing workshop I attended last Monday night. At the suggestion of a woman Champ, I attended a session of senior grief counseling at a local church. I had no idea what to expect. I went there to try to help ease the pain of losing Greta. There were eight women and two men “grievers” there, plus two very savvy, caring, and empathetic women counselors.
I was astounded at what the other grievers are going through. Losing children, spouses, lovers, and often more than one loss at about the same time. Their stories helped me understand what I am dealing with. I learned how grieving can affect one’s life such as trying to accomplish too many projects at once, not sleeping enough, and not eating right.
Back to Francine’s comments: She added, “Senior dating is not easy, but I’ve been lucky. I’m 76, look 60, and have the energy of a 40-year-old. How come? I work at it. I refuse to get ‘old.’ I still work out and live my life. We live every day. We only ‘die’ once.
“No one should ever judge what’s right or wrong with a griever’s behavior who is trying to move forward in life. That applies to judging Tom as well. If volunteering is your thing, do it. If dating is your thing, do it. Being oneself is the only way to go. I’ve met men online, in supermarket lines, banks, trains, planes, buses, etc. There are many ways to meet people. Perhaps take a course at a local school—a great way to meet people for both men and women.
“How soon after a loss to put oneself out there? Everybody’s different. As was mentioned last week, don’t be critical of someone’s actions if you haven’t walked in that person’s shoes.”
This week, I interviewed Kathryn Coduto, a Boston University assistant professor who has done recent research focused on dating apps technology. She said, “Only 28% of people ages 55 or older feel they can find a soulmate using dating apps.
“Americans doubt dating apps are the best way to find a successful relationship and certainly don’t trust them—but they’re apparently unwilling to give up on apps like Match, Tinder, and Hinge in the search for their true soulmates.”
I’m certain Ms. Coduto will share more sage thoughts for us going forward. Oh my, there is so much to learn in senior and online dating.
Champ Cheryl said, “It takes courage and perseverance to find a loving partner online, but certainly the chances of success are much greater than waiting for the goose ‘to lay the golden egg in our yard!” Cheryl is saying put yourself out there. Don’t sit around at home.
And finally, from Mary Lou, “Men sign up for sites like Our Time and Zoosk but never respond to my profile/photo beyond the initial ‘like.’ They often take selfies in their bathroom, are heavily bearded, and want to play golf as an introductory activity. Why does a man even put himself out there as it is a waste of my time to even respond? What am I not getting?”
Tom’s response: “Isn’t senior online dating a hoot? If a guy’s photo shows him in a bathrobe or bathroom and with a heavy beard, he’s a quick delete. And play golf as a first date? What a joke. It’s bad enough to have a coffee date that is a bust for maybe 30 minutes. But playing golf, even nine holes could take an hour and a half. That could be brutal if you can’t stand each other. What if he tries to kiss you in the golf cart? You might fall out trying to escape! Write those dudes off.
I am new to this senior online dating world. I am shocked by the bogus photo trick. Guys tell me they see some women’s pictures and then meet them and think they are with the mothers of the pictured women. My pics aren’t a day at the beach, but all are current except one. The two below don’t count.
Try finding a mate when you’re in your 80s. How does one make chicken salad out of chicken manure? Just chalk it up to this senior dating game.
Send me a short bio and a photo. Who knows? We might meet for golf on a first date, as long as it’s at a miniature golf course and there’s a cocktail lounge near the first tee.
I mentioned that today’s article might be “spraying to all fields.” It did, but it was fun, and written with a smile. And thank you, Herb Caen.
Senior Online Dating
By Tom Blake – Senior Dating Columnist
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
More Insights Into Senior Online Dating
Senior dating issues and senior dating advice and senior love
Last week’s “Online Deal Breakers and Deal Makers” eNewsletter elicited a wealth of comments from our Champs. Today, we include several of those responses.
Gloria emailed, “I found my love on Match.com three-plus years ago. He is turning 85 and I am almost 82. It truly is never too late. We lived 45 minutes apart when we met. We are now living full-time together in Palm Desert (near Palm Springs).”
Cheri, “Your beloved has been gone five months and here you are on a quest for another relationship already? That is quite disheartening to me.”
Tom’s response to Cheri’s comment comes from the above-pictured quote attributed to Elvis Presley, which is in a caption under a photo of Johhny Cash and Elvis on my wall at home:
“Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.”
Often, with older couples who have been together for years, they tell each other that when one passes first, the other should attempt to find a nice mate to help get through the difficult times of grief ahead. It’s kind of a green light each person gives the other. It’s an unselfish thing to do.
Greta and I did that. Does that mean you love your deceased mate less? Hell no; it means you need to make the best of the remaining years remaining. You need to attempt to move forward.
And if any reader thinks writing about this has been easy for me, they’ve got another guess coming. I’m just trying to help.
Larry, a Champ and long-time friend of mine wrote this week, “At our age, you and I may not have three years to let the dust settle. Who knows? No time to wait.”
And Champ Jean commented, “Tom, you are a great guy, and you get it. You deserve a nice, supportive, fun-loving woman. Don’t settle for mediocre. Good luck in your quest for companionship.”
Wayne, “I know how much you loved Greta and the last few months must have been difficult and lonely. On the brighter side, we only have so many years left and there are many nice women who would love your companionship. You are a catch!”
Thyrza, “Everything you stated in last week’s newsletter happened to me. One romance scammer who lived nearby posted a photo of himself that was 20 years old. When we met in person, he looked like he had walked across the Sahara Desert. We met for coffee but weren’t a match.
“There were other negative experiences as well. It takes patience and smartness not to get into a tricky situation. I did not give up until I met my current man.”
Cheryl, “Matt and I met on OK Cupid. What I really liked about that site was the availability of thousands of questions that can be answered. The answers are multiple-choice, but each answer has a space where you can write a comment/explanation of your answer.
“Matt had answered over 400 questions, most of which included an explanation, and I had answered over 600 questions with explanations when we started communicating. So, we already knew much about each other before our initial contact.
“When I was ‘surfing’ the site, I found it very helpful to be able to read responses from guys on certain issues I was concerned about. I could determine ‘deal breakers’ easily and not contact that person. One guy, for example, responded that he likes dogs but ‘not in my house.’ My dogs have always been in my house, so that was an immediate deal-breaker for me.
“No scammer is going to go to the trouble of answering hundreds of questions! They all seem to follow basically the same format of answering a few similar questions typically written in very poor English!”
“I’m glad you’ve decided to jump into online dating. I think the age issue is extremely variable in terms of impact. Some people are old at 50 and others are still young at 80. Our physical status impacts us but so does our attitude!
“Take good care, and I hope you find a loving partner for ‘the rest of the journey.’”
Mary, a woman I started going steady with on January 9, 1955 (68 years ago), set me straight by writing, “After reading through your assessment of dating-meeting websites, I can think of no reason why you would continue. Get out: volunteer. You know the drill.”
Tom’s response to Mary’s comment. After all these years, she’s still trying to set me straight! (said with a grin). I agree that volunteering and other forms of face-to-face activities are important in one’s quest to meet a mate. However, the process of meeting someone in that way can take a great deal of time. And I don’t have time to waste. So sure, do some of those things but cast a wide net. And consider adding internet dating to your repertoire!
One positive of internet dating is that you can reach out to a multitude of people in minutes who fit your criteria (Of course, some or many of them will likely be scammers).
Terri, “I wondered how long it would take you to dive into the dating pool. I wish you the very best of luck, you may well be on the adventure of a lifetime! I hope you share some of those adventures with your Champs.
“I spent six years on dating sites after my divorce (33 years of marriage). It took me from my mid-60s into my 70s. I met some real doozies. I also met several nice men who I still consider to be great friends. I have not been on a dating site for two years. I have a steady date who is wonderful and loyal, and a couple of lovely men who still call me to see if their luck might have changed.
“Match.com is a good place to start and still the best place that we have to meet other singles and potential friends. Good luck and my best to you.”
Barb, “I gave up on online dating. One guy I met professed to be Catholic and fully following the teachings. After we communicated for several months, I spent most of the day visiting him. He picked me up at the airport. After getting into his vehicle, his first words were, ‘I went to the VA to get tested, and I’m clean, good to go.”
“I responded, ‘If that’s your idea of a first date, you can take me back to the airport. After the air was cleared, we had an enjoyable day. No romantic connection, but we are still texting friends.”
Althea, “From your newsletter last week, I can see that your loneliness is getting to you. So, you joined Match.com. Welcome to frustration and disappointment. I think the biggest red flags and the people to stay away from are the ones who are over the top and obsessed on any subject…politics, religion, looks, weight, age, exes, their family, and pets…run fast.
“I bet your next honey will be the woman you bump into at the supermarket or park or walking down the street…maybe paddle boarding? Or a friend says, ‘I have someone I want you to meet.’”
Judith, “Five years after my husband of 45 good years passed, I was ready for a new guy. We met on Match and after months of dates and talks, we became a couple. We’ve been together for five years and share good times. We both have our own homes but spend nights together. Thanks for your words of wisdom.”
Laurie Jo, “Regarding online dating, I never found a match and I dated like it was a job. Had up to three coffee dates a day. Kept notes.
“I was the target of a scam that wasn’t obvious at first. This person invested a lot of time on the phone with me. But it all became clear when he was ‘stuck in UAE due to customs taking his gemstones’ and he needed $2,000.
“I said, ‘Not my problem’ and he never called again.”
Elenute emailed, “I’ve been on dating sites for six years. SilverSingles is a terrible site: over 90% of what I’ve received are scams. I’m getting pretty good at sorting them out. I’m ready to cancel the two dating sites I’m on when my subscriptions run out.”
Tom’s ending remarks: From the comments above, there is little doubt that online dating for people 50-plus is a huge challenge. All sites have scammers. Profile pictures often aren’t current. I noticed that some women make an honest effort to put “date picture taken” captions under their photos. I wrote to some of those women and thanked them for being honest about their pictures.
Which senior dating sites are the best? I found an article dated March 3, 2023, in a San Francisco Bay area local newsletter called The Daily. The article is titled, “10 Best Senior Dating Sites for Mature Singles Over 40.”
That article does a thorough job of ranking the sites. Perhaps read it and study the reviews. Here’s the link:
https://www.sfgate.com/market/article/best-senior-dating-sites-17242542.php
As I wrote last week: Remember, it only takes finding the right one for you. Easier said than done, but don’t give up trying.
Senior dating tips. Four ways for seniors to meet a potential mate during the pandemic
| On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter January 21, 2022 2022 eNewsletter #3 by Tom Blake – Columnist Senior Dating tips. Four ways for seniors to meet a potential mate during the pandemic Champ Sonia (see her picture above) emailed that she wants to date someone her age or younger. She wrote, “I’ve read your eNewsletters for several years and I love them. I am 63 and would like to date someone my age or some years younger. “You are so far away from me, but I would love to participate in one of your Meet and Greet sessions but I don’t know how to do it because of the distance and now the situation with the new covid.” Tom replied, “Thanks for writing, and thank you for being a Champ for several years. I understand your frustration with the Covid situation, which is affecting senior singles not only in PA, where you live but across the world. At 63, you should normally be able to meet eligible men within your dating age range (even younger), but Covid has thrown the proverbial monkey wrench into the search. Even the Meet and Greet sessions you refer to at Tutor & Spunky’s, my former deli in Dana Point, California, have been on hold for two years now. So, don’t get on a plane or a train to come to the Meet & Greets—all you could meet would be meat—as in a pastrami sandwich–for example. So, you’d be wiser to try to meet someone closer to you in PA or adjacent states, someone who would be within reasonable driving distance. How to do that during the pandemic? In four ways: 1 Try senior online dating. You won’t even need to wear a mask while you’re online. Our November 19 eNewsletter was titled, “Which online dating site is best for seniors?” I’m not an internet dating expert. So, I quoted our Champ Christine Baumgartner, an expert dating and relationship coach. Christine lives in Orange County, California, and calls her business “The Perfect Catch.” Here’s what I wrote on November 19, 2021 in an eNewsletter, which is on this website. “When Christine is asked by a client which dating site is the best one, her reply is, ‘This may surprise you. They’re generally all the same.” To read more about senior online dating, go to Christine’s Facebook page. She’s got great material on there. Or to her website (the link is listed below). Use a site that caters to seniors such as Silver Singles or OurTime (owned by Match.com). Most sites will charge a monthly fee. POF (Plenty of Fish) doesn’t unless you upgrade, but it has a reputation for having scammers. And speaking of scammers, be careful no matter what online site you choose. There are scammers on every site. They prey on lonely seniors, primarily widows, so there is a risk in online dating. But, by going online, you’d be able to establish a reasonable search radius, say within 50 miles of where you live in PA 2 Get off the couch and out of the house when the pandemic eases. Still take precautions—wear a mask, meet people outside when possible, keep social distancing. If you see a man who appears to be single—no wedding ring, for example—and he appeals to you, be assertive by saying hello or ask him a question like, “Which wine goes best with this salad?” Be assertive, but not aggressive. When senior singles venture out and embark on a new activity, their chances of meeting a potential mate increase. Here’s a story I heard this week, while on my Stand Up Paddleboard in Dana Point Harbor, of all places. As I was paddling from shore, a guy on his board yelled, “Hey Tom, I attended several of your Meet & Greets and enjoyed them.”I said, “Did you find a mate there?”“No,” he said, “but I learned from what you often said to us–to get involved in activities we enjoy. So, I took ukulele lessons and met my partner there. We have a lot in common. Thanks for the advice and for having those events.” I never thought I’d hear a success story like that on a paddleboard! Also, volunteering is a wonderful way to meet people and to pay it forward as well. 3 Network. Ask your friends, co-workers, and acquaintances if they know of someone who is near your age and single and who might be a nice mate for you. And don’t stop asking because as we age, people’s lives change. Some become widows or widowers, and others have relationships end. 4 Attend outdoor classes (when the weather is warmer) such as tai chi, yoga, pickleball, ukulele (or other instruments), and on and on.Bottom line: Make yourself as visible as possible and work on your appearance through exercising and eating right to help you stay healthy. Keep your expectations in check. Don’t go out with the express purpose of meeting a mate. Instead, go out to enrich your life. Be friendly, have a positive attitude, make yourself likable. Don’t give up hope. We are all in the pandemic challenge together. Be very careful with exposure to Covid and be leery of scammers. I hope we are all vaccinated and boosted. Keep the emails and questions coming. We have some interesting upcoming eNewsletter topics, including how to deal with a long-distance relationship during the pandemic and even details of a conversation I had with Johnny Cash regarding words Johnny said to me after we left his recording studio together in 1976. I had co-produced a record album with him at the studio. So, stay tuned, stay safe, and keep on truckin.’ Sonia shared her photos with us today. If male Champs would like to contact her in PA, email me and I will forward your email to her. You never know, you just might have interests in common with this nice woman. |
On Life and Love after 50 