Senior Loneliness – On Life and Love after 50

21 Responses to “False Hope” article from 2 weeks ago

By Columnist Tom Blake

January 28, 2025

21 Edited responses to last week’s False Hope eNewsletter

Last week’s eNewsletter struck a chord with many Champs. A widow named Ann had fallen in love with a man whose wife has Alzheimer’s. Here are 21 (edited by me) responses.

Liz, Illinois. “You provide an incredible service to us as senior citizens. I just turned 84 and have been receiving information from you for close to 3 decades.”

Jim, “A friend of mine has a wife he takes care of and has started to spend time with another woman, but it’s very casual and for companionship only. He doesn’t talk much about it. I think he feels guilty somewhat and awkward to talk about this other lady.

Linda, “I think Ann shouldn’t see Ben until his wife passes. Getting involved now just makes a hard situation even tougher. His wife needs her husband to take care of her. I realize once you opened that door, it’s hard to keep the emotions contained but wouldn’t continuing be cheating? Not the right way to start a romance.”

Belinda, “Ann should send a last email to give herself some closure here so she can move forward with someone new. She should tell Ben that she’s attracted to him and that she’s interested in a potential relationship with him, but not until his wife has passed.

“Ann should tell Ben she wishes him well as he navigates this tough part of her life, but she will continue to live her best life for now and that if he is interested and able to be fully available, he should get in touch with her at that time.”

Eleute, “Ann should not contact him. He sounds like an impulsive person, and he may well contact her anyway. Hopefully he won’t, as his responsibility is to his wife.”

Jackie, “I read with heartbreak your letter from Ann and her situation. A woman friend I know got Alzheimer’s, and her husband kept her home as long as he could. Then, for her safety, he put her in a home. He went there every day to feed her breakfast lunch and dinner and spend time with her.

“He was so lonely he started a friendship with a nurse’s aide. His daughters are convinced the aide is a gold digger, taking full advantage of the father.

“He was a wealthy man and the rest of the family were upset because they felt while their mom was alive, he should not have this companionship, which developed into more when the aide moved into the father’s home.

“Two daughters turned against him. They said how can you explain that a good Christian man is cheating on his wife to the grandchildren.

The daughters felt the woman took full advantage of the situation and tried to replace the mother before it was time, and the father was so devastated that he was losing his wife and his family as long as “that woman” was living there.

He turned to this woman for companionship and for love because he hadn’t felt loved in a very long time as a partner.

“The father knew his children were right– it was a very bad example moving the aide into the home while grandma was still alive. And his loneliness and desperation for connecting with another human being put him into a headspace where he felt his life was of no use to anyone and he committed suicide.

“I recently lost my husband, so I understand the loneliness that goes with it. I feel the same loneliness and it’s hard at night when you’re used to talking and watching TV together and doing even simple things and now it’s just me and the pets.

“I pray that Ann will put the ball in his court and leave it there.

“I think Ann made a mistake, inviting him to her home. Meeting in a public place for coffee or wine and then leaving it there would have been best. Bringing it home, allowing him to kiss her sends a definite message to Ben and any man that she’s open for more of a relationship than he might be ready to give in those situations.

“Ann needs to talk to a therapist to help her fill the void in a healthy way of her loneliness.”

Stephanie, “Ben, by asking Ann to come over when he was nude in the hot tub and his wife in the house was way out of bounds and weird. Ann should see a therapist about her sadness, and it’s just my take on it, he is not ‘the one’ for her.

Virginia, “When the (now archaic) marriage vows ‘until death do us part” were formed many years ago, we didn’t have unforgiving relentless diseases such as devastating Alzheimer’s or other life-threatening diseases and people died at earlier ages.

“Now, with scientific advances in health care, life can be prolonged even with diseases, creating this modern ‘dilemma.’ Perhaps the marriage vows should be changed to read ‘until physical /mental health do us part,’ with an added commitment to assure the affected spouse that has an incurable physical /mental disease will be taken care of.

“In that way the (usually older) remaining spouse would be free to enjoy any ‘Golden Years’ left, with or without another life companion. Life is short, and we are dead for a long time!

“It doesn’t seem ethically or morally right that the remaining surviving healthy spouse would be lawfully required to sacrifice his/her own remaining years of life because modern advances have overtaken archaic laws. The stark reality of the mental and physical issues along life’s journey can be cruel.

“Previous lifestyles and genetic health issues in either partner that result in incurable mental or physical illness cannot always be predicted, and it doesn’t seem fair for both spouses to suffer.”

Jonie, “Ann has an interesting situation. The minute Ben invited her over to his house, where his sick wife lives, while he was in the hot tub and told her he was naked she should have ended her attraction to him. Something big time wrong here. She is better off not pursuing this guy. She might be a bit desperate, but she needs to get over that.”

S, “Seriously Ann? You’re a grown woman. He’s not ready after you turned him down on skinny dipping. Had you shown up he would not only be ready, but chomping at the bit. Move on.”

Larry, “It is amazing how so many people fret over establishing relationships. He invited her to join him in his hot tub.She invited him over to her house to drink wine. Alzheimer’s or not, he is a married man.Shame on both!”

Gail, “Ann is full of contradictions and putting way too much emphasis on finding a man to make her happy.

“Finding good things to do for your community is so important and will fill some of her needs. She needs to back off and not meet him until his wife is gone. She can support him verbally, but not through get-togethers.”

Jeanne, “Definitely a therapist! Ann needs some help with this. She’s lonely and this situation is complicated!”

Francine, “Loneliness takes on many forms. He is lonely as he lost his wife’s affection and attention a long time ago. Ann is lonely and he gave her some hope. I’d say she does not need therapy but rather join some clubs that interest her. I’d also suggest a ‘do-over. What is that? It is the new year. Maybe lose a few pounds, go to the gym, get a new hair style or color, facials. Improve the outside while working on some hobbies and soul searching.”

Kaitte “Isn’t that a catch 22. In Love? In less than 2 weeks? It’s possible–definitely chemistry there–I’d be cautious giving my heart. He’s obviously thought this through. He chose to keep his wife home, with a lot of responsibility. Relationships of any kind are work. You must be available and he’s saying he’s not–even though he wants to be. The only thing I’d do maybe be a support system, or not if that’s too much. Or put communication on hold until the situation changes. I’d get on with my life in the meantime.”

Sher, “Ann should not see or contact him again. She should make efforts to get out of the house and meet people socially. Don’t try to make it happen, it will happen organically. Take a break to grieve a bit, then open your front door and walk out into the world. Take walks, chat people up in markets, hit the nearest driving range, tons of men there, sign up for lessons, or buy a basket of balls, and ask for help with your swing.”

Patty, “Watching your loved one fade away makes loneliness have a new meaning to us all.

“You’re losing your best friend, your lifelong hero, and best friend-confidant too. You get a little crazy with the changes of abandonment, even though it wasn’t intentional. Tell her to stay far away from him, even further than she thinks.

“He has a lot of mourning to do thru this process…and no offense Ann, but you are a band aid. Don’t put him OR you through this.

He needs time with his struggles.”

Carolyn, “Ann must stop contacting Ben! Yikes! Ben is simply playing with her heart. Ann is lonely. I feel bad for her as she is the one being hurt. He wanted Ann to come over and jump into the hot tub with him while he was naked? That did not sound right at all! After Ann declined his tawdry offer, he stopped contacting her. He is leading Ann on and that is so wrong and sad!”

Sandra, “I am not a singles expert (especially at my senior age). She should respond only to his last text with understanding comments. If she was the last one to text him, she shouldn’t try again.”

Deanne, “Shame on Ann. She sounds like a ten-year-old. She can’t be in love, just lonely. She needs to talk with a professional. This man is married, and his wife is slowly dying. Ann needs to realize what it would be like if she was this poor woman. Going after a disabled and dying woman’s husband is disgusting.

“I’m a ten-year widow. I watched my husband die. I took care of him and never thought of another man. I think they both sound a little off.”

Brenda, “Ben is not ready. His emotions are probably all over the place right now. I believe the best thing for Ann to do is be friendly if she sees Ben out and about but not contact him. If anything, just text or email and wish him well and tell him that she understands. I feel for her.”

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. It’s a difficult situation with so many emotions in play.

False Hope

My friend, 68, will be caregiver to his mom, who is 90

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 19, 2018

A Champ to care give his 90-year-old mother (Be sure to read the update at the end)

I have been friends with Mick for 43 years. We worked together at the Victoria Station restaurant chain in the 1970s. Those were fun and carefree days back then. My, my, how life has changed. This week, Mick, 68, reached out for advice.

Mick wrote, “In September, 2017, I retired from the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation and then spent the winter in Lake Tahoe skiing. While I was up there, Emma, my 90-year-old mother, tripped and fell in the chicken house at her farm in rural Wisconsin and suffered a concussion.

Emma has been living alone, by proud choice, in a circa 1850 farmhouse on 47 acres for the past few years following the passing of her second husband and her dog. That accidental fall at her farm, and, one too many cold winters, finally changed her mind about living alone. She has decided to take me up on my longstanding offer for her to move to Dallas to live out her final years near me.

As I considered her and my housing options, I decided to buy a house near White Rock Lake that was big enough with the right floor plan to permit us to be housemates but still have a healthy measure of separation and privacy.

I read a book titled “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande, which describes how we in the developed world have decided to ‘outsource’ the care of our elders to an impersonal, uncaring industry focused more on medical outcomes and safety than quality of life.

I strongly recommend Champs take the time to read the book. That book helped me decide that my mother deserved a better fate than to be parked in an institutional setting waiting to die. That may happen eventually, but until it becomes necessary, I want to provide her with a more pleasant alternative.

I am a bit apprehensive about having my mother as a housemate. She and I are fiercely independent and have each lived alone for many years. We also know how to push each other’s ‘buttons.’ But we have committed to give this a try.

Emma’s health is good. But I know at some point, the wheels will start to come off. There is enough room here to permit live-in help if or when necessary. I intend to go back to work (for the $ and the mental stimulation) and have a new, wonderful lady named Mary Ann, age 61, in my life who lives a short drive away. So, I will get time away from Emma. So, I should avoid caregiver loneliness. Mary Ann is totally on board with Emma moving in with me.

Mick and Mary Ann – Mick will help his Mom; Mary Ann agrees with his decision

The challenges to this arrangement are obvious. But my mother and I have always gotten along very well. I’m sure we will be able to negotiate our way around the inevitable conflicts (so long as she remains lucid). My immediate concerns are:

1. Her single senior loneliness. Emma will be leaving behind her social network and initially will be totally dependent on me for conversation and emotional support. How do I help her develop a cadre of new buddies here in Dallas to ease that burden? She will need senior social interaction.

2. Her isolation. Our house is in a wonderful park like setting with shade trees and a large nearby lake. Yet Dallas-Fort Worth is the fourth largest urban area in the US. So, there is a lot to do – museums, opera, symphony, the Dallas Arboretum, restaurants, art galleries, etc. My mother has agreed to give up her car and will not be driving, but I want her to get out and enjoy all that the Dallas/Fort Worth area has to offer, as long as she is able. Are Uber and Lyft safe and reliable transportation alternatives?

3. My sadness. I think of my mother as a strong, vibrant woman with a bit of a temper and a lot of spunk. She stopped cross country skiing at age 80 and still shovels snow and chops her own firewood. She has always been a handful.

But as she ages, she is beginning to show signs of frailty and loss of cognitive skills. She is more indecisive than before. I understand that such declines may be inevitable but emotionally it’s hard for me to watch and experience. Seeing her only occasionally, as I did previously, made it easier to take. But what will happen when I see it every day? How do I best prepare myself to be strong but remain considerate and loving?

I’m certain our Champs have a lot of collective and hard-earned wisdom on how to manage my new situation. Feedback from them would be helpful. There is no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.”

Tom’s comment to Mick:

-Your apprehension is understandable. No doubt, her moving in will be an adjustment for both of you.

-Your immediate concerns are valid. She will be lonely; you will need to find places for her where she can go and socialize and make new friends. Is there a senior center near? Check Meetup.com to see if there are clubs or activities that would interest her. I’d get on this her senior social interaction right away.

-Uber and Lyft are, for the most part, safe options. But, occasionally, we hear about a driver who is a bad egg. Also, can Emma use a cell phone to access the apts so she can order Uber or Lyft when she wants to be picked up?

Are wheel-chair-access buses for seniors available to come to your home to transport Emma to and from the places she will want to go? Also, who will be with her at museums, the opera and other places when she is out and about?

-Good that the new house is big enough should you need live-in help.

-The sadness you feel is natural, after all, you love her. But showing signs of frailty and loss of cognitive skills is normal. To cope with that you will have to realize it goes with the territory. You will be tested most with having patience for her declining ability and if that becomes too unbearable, you may have to make other arrangements for her, which you and she do not want.

That’s what makes care giving so damn hard. It becomes lonely as well. You cannot let it start to cost you your health—that’s a huge challenge.

Knowing you, you will handle the situation with grace and understanding.

And then this happens. Update from Mick on Wednesday:

Mick wrote, “Yesterday, my mother walked into a glass partition at her bank in West Bend WI, bounced off, fell down and severely broke her leg. Fortunately, the hip ball and socket are in good shape (so no hip replacement needed) but she will have a rod and screws installed this afternoon to put her femur back together. My brother is on his way there now. I will fly to Milwaukee Friday.

“So, I guess this will be baptism-by-fire for me regarding this care-taking thing. Wish me luck!”

Loneliness of Caregivers

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 11, 2018

Senior Loneliness. Last week, I asked Champs for input on the loneliness of caregiving.

Before I begin today’s column, I need to mention that writing about this topic was difficult. Caregiving is not easy, as you will comprehend as you read these two responses from Champs.

A positive that emerged for me: It made me appreciate—even more than I already do–how fortunate I am to have Greta, a wonderful and loving partner, in my life. And I hope these two stories will have a similar affect on you.

Also, as we age, we must realize that for some of us, care giving will become a reality. We might become a care-giver, or a care-receiver. Either way, we’ll do our best.

Caregivers have big hearts

Linda’s story: Recovering from caregiving

Linda emailed, “I was my husband’s caregiver for many years. Dealing with the loneliness was harder some days than others. I miss having to take care of him.

He had open heart surgery, having his aortic valve replaced in the 1990’s, and never really recovered from that. He ended up getting an infection in his incision, and then was put on “IV” antibiotics for six weeks.

After that, it was just one more bump in the road after another. When he passed away, there was nothing left for me to do. Everything was done and over. I miss talking and laughing with him. I miss getting a hug for no reason. The evenings are the worst as there is no one to talk with or help you figure out a problem.

I was also kind of a caregiver to our dog (a Lhasa Apso). She had arthritis in her back and needed treatments and meds. I had to put her to sleep this past July. Now, I am really alone.

I feel as you become his caregiver, after so many years, you are no longer his wife, you are his caregiver. That realization was tough on some days. Dealing with senior loneliness, you try to get involved with others, but I always felt uncomfortable as everyone usually had someone and I was there alone.

It has been four years this month that he has been gone. I currently have a job working 2 p.m. to 8 p.m. That kind of uses up my evenings. My job is necessary, as there were no funds left when he passed. I am getting better and stronger each day, but it is taking time.

Althea’s story: In a way, caregiving is her savior, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy

Althea said, “I am ‘sort of’ a caregiver; I live with a couple in Yuba City, California. I get lonely and feel very alone in this world most of the time.

I’m 69 and was taken-in last August by a married couple who are both 81 and live in their own 3-bedroom, 2-bath house. I was in jeopardy of becoming homeless in Placerville, a couple of hours from here, and, through their daughter finding me, they accepted me and my 7-year-old dog, to help with their challenges of aging.

They gave me the master bedroom and bath. I don’t get paid, but, that balances out with my not having to pay rent or for groceries.

The wife has dementia; I help with her issues when her husband is not around. He goes fishing at least three times a week and keeps busy in his garage the other days. He and I take turns making the evening meals (she doesn’t cook anymore; she ‘tidies up’ but doesn’t clean anything).

I’ve been dealing with senior loneliness for a long time because I’ve been divorced for many years and have been living alone since 2008 when my last child graduated from college.

This senior loneliness feels different though. Before, I would be lonely, but I was living in my own home, surrounded by my things that were familiar and made me feel safe. I could putter and find things to do in my house or outside.

Now, I have my own room with all my things and furniture in it, but I’m living in someone else’s house where everything else is out of my control…like arranging the kitchen cabinets and drawers the way I’d prefer or moving things around in the rest of the house.

I don’t spend any time in their living room. I spend a few hours in the dining room where I do jigsaw puzzles on the big table (they don’t use the room anymore) and kitchen, eating or cleaning up.

I spend most of the day in my room with my dog: computer, iPad, phone, TV, books, magazines, my thoughts, sometimes writing in a journal.

To combat senior loneliness, I get out most every day. I take my dog for walks at one of the many grassy/shady parks. Sometimes, I just drive around for a while and run my own small errands for personal items, also sometimes buy lunch and eat at one of the parks.

I found a therapist last October and have a standing appointment for one hour on Wednesdays. It helps to have someone to vent to, get advice on dealing with a person with dementia, and just have a coherent female to talk to!

On most discount-Tuesdays, I see a movie showing late morning or middle of the day. Before Craigslist eliminated the personals column, I had an ad looking to meet a man or woman to share movies with and/or become friends.

Meeting a man didn’t happen, (only a couple first meetings). I did meet one lady in her 70’s who lives nearby. We’ll have breakfast now and then and visit a while, chat through emails too but we’re very different.

Through my therapist I met another lady, also in her 70’s, whom I no longer see. No compatibility there – she stopped contacting me after we met three times. I’m thinking she wasn’t comfortable with my situation.

Then, five weeks ago, on a dating site, I met a man I have started spending a little time with–three dates since our initial coffee meeting.

He’s 66 and lives an hour’s drive away, so I’m not sure if either of us will be able to keep seeing each other on a regular basis, since the long drive up and back triggers my arthritis pain in my hands and shoulders, and I don’t have a lot of money for gas.

Plus, he knows I don’t live in my own home, so our dates down here are in the park or out for meals. I don’t feel comfortable having him over here – yet. Even if/when I do, it’s not my house.

This week, my therapist gave me some info about an Alzheimer’s support group here in my town. They meet on the fourth Saturday every month for two hours, at a nearby senior living facility. Hopefully that will help me too. Might even meet other ladies there to become friends with.

All of this doesn’t completely ‘fix’ my loneliness issues, because when I’m back in the house, the issues wash over me all over again, but I’m doing my best to overcome loneliness every day and think positively.

Tom’s final take: It’s important for caregivers to stay in contact with as many friends and family members as they can. Senior social interaction is critical. Althea made that clear. And her reminder to think positively is just as critical.