 On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – January 10, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake False Hope – A Champ’s Dilemma The names of the people in this eNewsletter have been changed by request. Last week, Champ Ann emailed me, saying, “I need advice. A woman friend named Judy, who lives nearby, recently mentioned to me that she had a conversation months ago with Ben, a neighbor whose wife has had Alzheimer’s for 10 years. The wife requires 24/7 care. Ben told Judy that he takes care of his wife with the help of several other caregivers. “Judy raves about Ben’s dedication to his wife. He refuses to put her in a care home She is expected to pass in 2025. Ben admitted to Judy that he was lonely. “This was months ago. I told Judy to give Ben my phone number, as I am lonely as well and maybe he and I could meet occasionally for coffee. I didn’t hear anything until Christmas Day 2024 when I got a call from Ben. “We had a nice conversation and agreed to meet the Saturday after Christmas at my house for coffee. I understood–it would be too awkward to meet at his home. I made sure my friends knew I was having company. I already knew he was very kind, loved his wife and did not want to put her in a home, although it would have been easier to do so. It’s quite a challenge for him to care for her even though he has lots of help. “On Saturday, Ben came to my home. We talked for hours. I liked him right away. That is how we got together, neither of us expected an attraction. When he left, he kissed me twice. “On Sunday, I attended a party with my grief support group and didn’t check my phone until later. Ben had left a message, saying he wanted to pick me up and have a bite to eat. I had eaten already so I invited him to come over for a glass of wine, which he did. I was happy to see him. He brought a bottle of wine and again, we talked, but mostly with him talking. I sensed that he needed to do that. “Suddenly, he pulled me close and kissed me a few times and said, ‘You are my girlfriend,’ and almost immediately he released me and said, ‘No, we need to take it slow.’ I think he scared himself and withdrew. I also said we needed to take it slow, and we needed to be honest about it. He left not too long after that; I didn’t think too much about it. We agreed to try to see each other Monday, the following night. “He told me that one of the caregivers may not make it and that meant he would have to do the shift for caring. However, if the caregiver did come, then he’d be available, and he and I would do something together. “Monday, I didn’t hear anything, so, in the evening I sent a text saying hi and were the plans for tonight still on. “I got a text back saying that he had to care for his wife and had the 6 pm to 2 am shift. ‘Sorry’ is how he ended that text. Five minutes later he sent a text saying, ‘I apologize for sounding so cold.’ “His reaction took me aback. Minutes later I sent a text saying that I understood his responsibility and that I was having a glass of wine. “Ben answered, ‘You are a special lady’ and he was having a beer. “On New Year’s Eve, he texted me to come over as he was in his hot tub and made it a point of saying in his birthday suit. That didn’t bother him. “I declined politely. It would feel wrong to be in his house when his wife was in another part of the house, and me making out with her husband. I haven’t heard anything from him since then. “So now, Tom, I am stuck, what happens next?” I will not text anymore. His ‘special lady’ comment feels like there is a ‘but’ coming after it. Something like, ‘I cannot have this friendship with you’ or ‘I thought I was ready.’ “Fill in the blanks, I don’t know what to think and maybe I am making too much out of this. Maybe he drew back to give himself time, or maybe he scared himself with his intimate outburst. “Partners who take care of terminally ill partners who have been sick for a long time must want to get out and socialize, but they might feel guilty doing so. “Ben is attractive to me, not so much his looks but his kindness. I want that and I want him but now my fear of rejection and loss has set in. “I am so sad and feel so alone with tears on this last day of the year.” Ann’s Update On the day after New Year’s Day, Ben sent a text to Ann that he had written on the day after their second date at her home. He wrote, “Hi Ann, thank you for the special time we had together last night. You’re a precious, compassionate and very kind person, however I spent a lot of time last night thinking about our relationship and where it’s heading. I realized I’m just not ready at this time as I have so many responsibilities that require my full attention, mainly my wife. You and I agreed to be honest with each other. “I sincerely apologize as I know this will hurt you and it’s the last thing I want for you. Maybe later in the future as my situation changes, we can continue our companionship but only God knows that. “Your close friend, Ben” Ann said, “I didn’t mean to fall in love, I just did and followed the cues from Ben. Remember, I didn’t go to his house to join him in the hot tub. That felt wrong. Ben is so lonely. Many of us deal with that and I still deal with that.” Tom’s Thoughts Ann is devastated. She fears he won’t contact her again. She sent me several emails saying how sad she was and should she respond to him. Two similar situations happened to her in the past, which is likely why she is taking this rejection so hard. I told her I am not a therapist, so I don’t have the answers, but that she probably shouldn’t contact him. Let him stew on it. But then, after receiving several sad emails from her, I suggested that maybe she should contact him to tell him that she respects him, but the ball is in his court. And I suggested to Ann that she should consider contacting a therapist about why she is so devastated. What do you Champs think? |
Tag: family
Responses to 85 birthday party On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
Columnist Tom Blake
November 22, 2024
(Photo by Michelle Rivera, aka Lady Hummingbird)
Part One – Champs Reply to Tom Blake 85th birthday party surprise
There were several responses to last week’s eNewsletter about my 85th birthday party. Here are just a few of them:
Florence, “Where has the time gone? I signed up for your eNewsletter 20+ years ago after the death of my husband a few years earlier. May the next 365 days be special for you.”
Marcia, “Your newsletter was filled with memories that allow your Champs to get a sense of your incredible life.
“You have taken your life experiences and turned them into something positive that will further enhance your life, and the lives of all the people you come in contact with. That is a gift.”
Tom’s comment: Those are extra special words coming from a friend I’ve known 59 years, going back to both of us growing up in Jackson, Michigan.
Ted, “Who says 85 is old? It wasn’t me, Tom. Welcome to the 86th year that we share (although I had a head start). You are a special guy to a lot of folks out there…and to at least one guy in Grosse Pointe Park, MI. I wish I’d been a fly on that wall on the 11th.”
Tom’s comment: Ted is a classmate from Jackson, Michigan, 60 years ago
Gloria, “A beautiful story about your celebration and special friends who came to honor you. It brought tears to my eyes reading about your celebration and memories of old friends. Many happy returns to a young 85.”
Neighbor Colleen Torres (who attended with Kresta Racker), “Love this article! It was a special day, indeed!”
Joel, a recent widower, “One of your best. I feel OK and am keeping busy with friends and constructive activities. You’re a good model for a life well lived”.
Sandy, a Champ I’ve known for 50 years, who is pondering relocating from California to the Midwest, said, “All opinions from you are received with an open mind! I’m not jumping ship soon!
“I liked the cameo on 60 Minutes about Wisconsin’s Door County “The Cape Cod of the Midwest” so much because of the obvious congeniality between folks of both political persuasions. One man said ‘We have the Midwestern nice thing going!’ Lots of artists and Chicago retirees. And, although it is a beautiful vacation destination, seemingly, also very low ( by comparison to California ) rents.”
Bruce, Ohio, “Happy belated birthday and it is great you have so many friends at this point in your life.”
Ginny, PA, “I especially loved this week’s newsletter. So many emotions were expressed.
“Thank you for giving us a brief history lesson about Veterans Day and your service to our country.
“I am proud of my Harry’s 39 years in the Air Force. On Veterans Day he leads several ceremonies: one at our Senior Center and another as a retired military member of his high school Vets committee.
“Pleased to hear you and Debbie could celebrate your special day with friends. Happy 85th. I am right behind you.”
Part 2 – A Champ’s poignant and timely comment
With all the threats and chatter going on in this world about WW III, Wil’s comment stopped me in my tracks:
Wil, Hawaii (a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain co-worker of mine in Oakland, CA, and Denver in the early 70s), wrote succinctly, “My wife Pua and I are on vacation at ground zero in Nagasaki, depressing place. All world leaders should come here.”
A Senior Night at the ER
| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 25, 2024 A Night at The ER By Columnist Tom Blake (with assistance) |
| Note from Tom. I had help from Debbie, my partner of 18 months, writing this eNewsletter. Soon, you will understand why. Last Friday night Debbie and I were heading out for dinner at 5:30 p.m. My car was parked at the curb outside my home. I walked four feet in front of her to open the passenger-side door. Much to my horror, she tripped on a patch of uneven Korean grass and fell face-first hard on the concrete sidewalk. Her water bottle and purse went flying. The right side of her body, particularly her right breast and face, took the hit. She didn’t scream but she let out a loud sound of agony. The dogs belonging to our neighbors across the street could not see us, but upon hearing Debbie’s moans, started emitting a mournful noise. They could sense that something was terribly wrong. With all the medical issues that Debbie has endured in the last five months–painful breast cancer removal and reconstructive surgery, radiation, loss of estrogen, hot flashes, endless doctor visits, and physical therapy–to see her writhing in pain curled up on the sidewalk, I felt so bad I nearly went into shock. When you love someone, and see them so compromised, it takes a toll on your entire psyche. It took over three minutes to get her gingerly onto her feet. “I’m okay, I’m okay,” she proclaimed. With a reddish-blue bump forming over her right eye, I didn’t think she was okay. There was no blood, however, which was a positive sign. Debbie asked me to get her an ice bag to put above her eye. Fortunately, she didn’t break her hip. Debbie is a tough cookie. While holding the ice bag above her eye, she said, “Let’s head for dinner.” I said, “I don’t think so. Are you sure?” She insisted. We got carefully into the car and I started to drive. My mind was racing. Should we even go to a restaurant? Or should we change to a drive-through eatery? Debbie solved my dilemma by saying, “Do you think the Urgent Care around the corner is still open?” Debbie always puts a positive spin on life. She kids a lot. Next, she added, “I hear they have great dinner specials at Urgent Care. And it’s early, so it’s probably not too busy yet.” (She was kidding of course). She asked if I had called ahead for a reservation (still kidding). At this point, the small “egg” had grown over her eye. I headed for Urgent Care, two blocks away. Fortunately, they were still open, but unfortunately, in the case of a head injury, or possible traumatic brain injury, they send you to a hospital ER, where there is more sophisticated equipment. We looked at each other and agreed. “We are going to the ER at Mission Hospital.” (Debbie’s reason for us going to the ER was that about two years ago, she fell off an 8’ ladder onto the concrete floor in her garage, and because she didn’t hit her head, only her back, and she had little pain, she thought, ‘good no concussion’, and decided not to go to the ER that time. However, she recently discovered that in that fall she had a fracture in her L4 area, and she didn’t want to risk any future back medical issues). The ER We arrived at Mission Hospital ER at about 6 p.m. There were seven ambulances parked nearby with their rear emergency doors open. When we entered the waiting room area, the room was 3/4 full of people of all ages, both patients and people who had accompanied the patients. Several health technicians and security personnel were scurrying around trying to be as helpful and efficient as possible. Upon checking Debbie in, the staff made Debbie a top priority due to the potential brain injury caused by her fall. I heard an announcement that went throughout the ER saying ‘Code X, brain trauma patient checking in.’ We were told we’d be at the ER for at least two hours. During our time in the waiting room, Debbie was summoned several times as staff members came and escorted her to labs, an EKG, X-rays, and CAT scans. The ER was a busy place on that Friday night. Six people were checking new patients in. Debbie is a Psychotherapist. She analyzes and assists people for a living. Together, we watched the new people arriving. To help pass the time while waiting and take the edge off her situation, we exchanged thoughts on what the other patients were dealing with. This, of course, involved much eavesdropping, observing, and filling in the blank’s guesswork. We first focused on a young woman and her male companion who arrived shortly after us. There were no obvious medical issues that we could see about her, but she was crying. We didn’t know what was going on with her until four hours later, she was united with a baby boy, perhaps her son or nephew. Most new arrivals were escorted by one or two family members or friends. A few people were alone. One was a man, 50ish, 6’2’, seated by himself. He was wearing high-top tennis shoes with untied shoelaces. Debbie told me that not tying one’s shoelaces is one of the latest fads among hip people these days. (I’m so out of touch in my older years). Another young man wearing a football uniform had a makeshift cast on his arm. He had likely been injured in a Friday Night Lights football game. He was whisked through the waiting room to somewhere deeper in the hospital. We saw at least 25 new patients check in. At 10:15 p.m., Debbie was relocated to the main emergency room area where a doctor would review all her results from the tests she had endured. I was allowed to be with her. That is also the area where patients on gurneys are wheeled in. Twice, people were wheeled into the hallway strapped on gurneys being escorted by armed Orange County Sheriff officers with guns at their sides. Heaven only knows what had transpired with those two dudes. All of Debbie’s tests came back ok. Most importantly, the CAT scan showed no brain bleeding. The doctor said it would feel like a truck hit her, especially her sore breast that she had landed on, and that she should take it easy for a week but would feel discomfort for as long as a month. Debbie was released from the hospital at 11:30 p.m. We made it home by midnight. Our dinner date lasted six hours, but we didn’t eat a meal. I had a protein bar from the hospital cafeteria. How is she feeling now, seven days later? She said, “I have a concussion. My head is still in a fog, and my right breast still hurts and it’s painful when I take a deep breath.” Lessons Learned From Debbie Debbie said, “Seniors must always be mindful of their surroundings, such as curbs, stairs, and uneven surfaces. “Plus, seniors must ensure they seek medical help when they’ve had a mishap, even when they feel they are ok.” |
 ER rooms aren’t exactly party time (photo by Tom Blake) |
On Life and Love after 50 