 On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – January 10, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake False Hope – A Champ’s Dilemma The names of the people in this eNewsletter have been changed by request. Last week, Champ Ann emailed me, saying, “I need advice. A woman friend named Judy, who lives nearby, recently mentioned to me that she had a conversation months ago with Ben, a neighbor whose wife has had Alzheimer’s for 10 years. The wife requires 24/7 care. Ben told Judy that he takes care of his wife with the help of several other caregivers. “Judy raves about Ben’s dedication to his wife. He refuses to put her in a care home She is expected to pass in 2025. Ben admitted to Judy that he was lonely. “This was months ago. I told Judy to give Ben my phone number, as I am lonely as well and maybe he and I could meet occasionally for coffee. I didn’t hear anything until Christmas Day 2024 when I got a call from Ben. “We had a nice conversation and agreed to meet the Saturday after Christmas at my house for coffee. I understood–it would be too awkward to meet at his home. I made sure my friends knew I was having company. I already knew he was very kind, loved his wife and did not want to put her in a home, although it would have been easier to do so. It’s quite a challenge for him to care for her even though he has lots of help. “On Saturday, Ben came to my home. We talked for hours. I liked him right away. That is how we got together, neither of us expected an attraction. When he left, he kissed me twice. “On Sunday, I attended a party with my grief support group and didn’t check my phone until later. Ben had left a message, saying he wanted to pick me up and have a bite to eat. I had eaten already so I invited him to come over for a glass of wine, which he did. I was happy to see him. He brought a bottle of wine and again, we talked, but mostly with him talking. I sensed that he needed to do that. “Suddenly, he pulled me close and kissed me a few times and said, ‘You are my girlfriend,’ and almost immediately he released me and said, ‘No, we need to take it slow.’ I think he scared himself and withdrew. I also said we needed to take it slow, and we needed to be honest about it. He left not too long after that; I didn’t think too much about it. We agreed to try to see each other Monday, the following night. “He told me that one of the caregivers may not make it and that meant he would have to do the shift for caring. However, if the caregiver did come, then he’d be available, and he and I would do something together. “Monday, I didn’t hear anything, so, in the evening I sent a text saying hi and were the plans for tonight still on. “I got a text back saying that he had to care for his wife and had the 6 pm to 2 am shift. ‘Sorry’ is how he ended that text. Five minutes later he sent a text saying, ‘I apologize for sounding so cold.’ “His reaction took me aback. Minutes later I sent a text saying that I understood his responsibility and that I was having a glass of wine. “Ben answered, ‘You are a special lady’ and he was having a beer. “On New Year’s Eve, he texted me to come over as he was in his hot tub and made it a point of saying in his birthday suit. That didn’t bother him. “I declined politely. It would feel wrong to be in his house when his wife was in another part of the house, and me making out with her husband. I haven’t heard anything from him since then. “So now, Tom, I am stuck, what happens next?” I will not text anymore. His ‘special lady’ comment feels like there is a ‘but’ coming after it. Something like, ‘I cannot have this friendship with you’ or ‘I thought I was ready.’ “Fill in the blanks, I don’t know what to think and maybe I am making too much out of this. Maybe he drew back to give himself time, or maybe he scared himself with his intimate outburst. “Partners who take care of terminally ill partners who have been sick for a long time must want to get out and socialize, but they might feel guilty doing so. “Ben is attractive to me, not so much his looks but his kindness. I want that and I want him but now my fear of rejection and loss has set in. “I am so sad and feel so alone with tears on this last day of the year.” Ann’s Update On the day after New Year’s Day, Ben sent a text to Ann that he had written on the day after their second date at her home. He wrote, “Hi Ann, thank you for the special time we had together last night. You’re a precious, compassionate and very kind person, however I spent a lot of time last night thinking about our relationship and where it’s heading. I realized I’m just not ready at this time as I have so many responsibilities that require my full attention, mainly my wife. You and I agreed to be honest with each other. “I sincerely apologize as I know this will hurt you and it’s the last thing I want for you. Maybe later in the future as my situation changes, we can continue our companionship but only God knows that. “Your close friend, Ben” Ann said, “I didn’t mean to fall in love, I just did and followed the cues from Ben. Remember, I didn’t go to his house to join him in the hot tub. That felt wrong. Ben is so lonely. Many of us deal with that and I still deal with that.” Tom’s Thoughts Ann is devastated. She fears he won’t contact her again. She sent me several emails saying how sad she was and should she respond to him. Two similar situations happened to her in the past, which is likely why she is taking this rejection so hard. I told her I am not a therapist, so I don’t have the answers, but that she probably shouldn’t contact him. Let him stew on it. But then, after receiving several sad emails from her, I suggested that maybe she should contact him to tell him that she respects him, but the ball is in his court. And I suggested to Ann that she should consider contacting a therapist about why she is so devastated. What do you Champs think? |
Tag: Dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s
Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s Disease
| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletterNovember 17, 2023 Part one – Dating When a Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s Part two – The New York Times mention By Columnist Tom Blake |
 |
| Part One – Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s Champ Bob emailed me this week (week of November 13 2023) with a question. He wrote, “My wife, presently in ‘Memory Care,’ has been my friend and life partner for 53 years. “I cared for my wife at home, as well as I could, during her early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease, which began five years ago. Now, she is almost non-verbal, and on medication, though lovely to see. “Would a ‘friend’ relationship, open and honest, with guidelines be viable given my circumstances? I am 87, healthy with no limitations. My favorites: Travel, live theatre, dinner perhaps twice a week, walking and caring for my lovely home, music, and dancing. “I am financially independent and believe I am open and honest with a good sense of humor. What do you think?” Bob’s situation rang a bell. I wrote about this topic in May 2011. The title, “Dating When a Spouse is Institutionalized with Alzheimer’s.” I accessed that column from the archives. Not much has changed on this topic since then so I am quoting from it. Words and quotes from the 2011 article “When a spouse has Alzheimer’s disease, is committed to an institution, no longer recognizes her or his spouse, and it’s been going on for years, is it OK for that person’s spouse to seek comfort in a relationship?” “Ed said, My wife has early onset Alzheimer’s disease, a beautiful woman, age 59, whom I love very much. She is mentally gone now, doesn’t know me or anyone else, and sleeps much of the day. The rapid onset has been very discouraging; she has been in assisted living for two years. “My family and friends are OK with my ‘moving on,’ as long as my wife receives the care she has now. I have no problem with that; I see her three to four times a week, but I cannot bring her home anymore. “I met a widow two months ago. We see each other several times a week. We have tentative plans to do some traveling. Our relationship is platonic. She is very traditional. She says, ‘Who gives me a pass (the right) to date a married man?’ “Society, her friends, and the church we attend have sanctions, which she is concerned about. I don’t know how to answer her. What should I say?” I asked Champs for their opinions (Remember, this is almost 14 years ago.) What Champs said in 2011 Diane, who was in a similar situation, but with the roles reversed, said, “It’s a long and dark tunnel when going through Alzheimer’s with a loved one, but it helps to have a light at the end of that tunnel and someone waiting there for you who loves you.” Gregory said, “Supreme Court Associate Justice Sandra Day O’Connor (the first woman to serve on the United States Supreme Court) dealt with the reverse situation. Her husband found a ‘friend’ while at the nursing home. Justice O’Connor was delighted he had someone to be with.” Jon wrote, “Considering that there really is no marriage anymore, and his spouse is apparently unable to comprehend what is going on, a relationship is within reason.” Cydne emailed, “If Ed’s friend is concerned about what other people think, her answer is no. I don’t worry about what society or others think about my life decisions. That’s why I’m so happy.” Mary said, “There will always be some holier than thou, a judgmental busybody who will make her life miserable with criticism and condemnation. So what, go for it!” George stated, “Alzheimer’s is a vicious disease. The dementia associated with it is irreversible. A victim can linger for years. Spouses are as ‘imprisoned’ as patients. If there is another person to whom a spouse can reach out, it’s not cheating or being unfaithful.” I answered Ed, “You and your friend sound well matched. I feel you should cherish each other. You have a right to be happy as you have been loyal and wonderful and will continue to ensure your wife is well taken care of. And your friend has the right to be happy as well, as she learned from being a widow. “As far as the ‘sanctions’ you mentioned, only your new friend can decide whether the sanctions are more important than happiness with you. Doesn’t God want us all to be happy? If the sanction sources are too judgmental, perhaps she should find more enlightened sources that are more accepting.” My comments to Ed were blunt back in 2011. My feelings are the same now, with one added comment. Finding a new friend is okay, as long as the incapacitated person is unable to comprehend or understand. If they still have their mental facilities and are aware of what is going on, then no, it’s not acceptable at that time. And those are the words I say to Bob. By the way, after the article appeared in my newspapers in 2011, a man sent comments to the Letters to the Editor section. He wrote, “Doesn’t anyone believe in ‘commitment’ anymore? Does the phrase ‘To death do us part’ mean anything to anybody?” I quote what Elvis once said, “Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.” A psychotherapist shares her opinions I asked Debbie Sirkin, a South Orange County, California, psychotherapist, for her opinion about Bob’s question. Debbie said, “Bob’s situation can be a moral, ethical, and religious dilemma, and it is not one size fits all. “For better or worse, in sickness and in health” is not Biblical in nature, but rather from a pamphlet titled, The Book of Common Prayer, from 1569, written at a time when people’s life expectancy was maybe 30-35 years. Alzheimer’s has only been around a little over 100 years, so this is not something anyone has had to deal with until the last century. “Similar to many things discussed in premarital therapy, Bob’s situation may be a new one I add to my list of questions to be discussed before having to deal with it. Given where we are today, with living longer, I think this is a question that can/should be asked early in a marriage (or in premarital therapy). Then, being faced with this dilemma, it is no longer a dilemma, as it has already been discussed before the anguish at a time when you need more support and less stress.” So, there you are Bob, you received a “thumbs up” from almost everyone who commented, enjoy a friend, while you can. I look forward to our Champs’ responses. |
| Part 2 – A mention in the New York Times One of our Champs is Tammy LaGorce, a wedding columnist for The New York Times. Recently, Tammy asked me for a quote for an article she was working on. Tammy mentioned she was writing about animals and relationships. I wasn’t sure when the article would appear. Tammy had read our eNewsletter a few weeks back about “Dogs and Dating.” Yesterday afternoon, I received a text from Champ Dee, who had received a text from her daughter Megan-Marie, who lives in Massachusetts. Meggie sent her a link to Tammy’s article, “When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur.” The article appeared yesterday. Tammy LaGorce quoted me in the end of her article: “Tom Blake, a relationship advice columnist in Dana Point, Calif., said that ‘most of the people I know who are content with their pet companionships still secretly admit they’d like a human partner.’ He encourages people to indulge that secret wish: “Go out and meet people. Hug your pet when you come home.” Dee said, “I was so happy to see your name at the end of it (the very end of the article).” Can you imagine? A Champ’s daughter in Massachusetts noticed it and alerted her mom. Thank you, Dee (who used to live in Dana Point), and thank you, Tammy LaGorce, for writing it. “When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur” by Tammy LaGorce |
Dating when a spouse has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease
On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – November 23, 2018
by Tom P Blake
Dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s Disease
Larry, 76, Toronto, emailed, “Re last week’s eNewsletter about dating a deceased friend’s spouse, I’m in a similar situation. My wife has advanced Alzheimer’s disease, and no longer knows me. She’s been in a nursing home the past few years, and so I’m living a single life.
I’ve reached a point, where I’m ready for a new relationship. I’m really missing female companionship, in all its forms, and need that to change. I’ve started reaching out (with the full blessings/support of family, friends, and professionals), and have dated several women, all of whom are aware of and ok with my situation.
By the same token, I’ve also been rejected by several other women who are uncomfortable with the situation. So, as the article concludes – there is no right or wrong answer. Each individual caregiver needs to do what feels right to him/her.
Tom’s response: On the Finding Love After 50 Website, there are three articles I previously published on this topic under the article categories. It’s the first category listed. Here is the link to those articles:
https://www.findingloveafter50.com/alzheimer-s-dating-when-a-spouse-is
Larry: “Great! I’m off to visit my wife in the nursing home, and will check the articles later this afternoon.”
And then later, Larry wrote: “I just finished reading the three articles, and what struck me immediately, is that I can relate to most of the content in all of them!
“To give you some context, my wife and I have been together for 29 years, and until she went into long term care more than two years ago, we had never spent one night apart. As a matter of fact, we were rarely apart at all, as we worked together. What was our work you might ask? We were relationship counselors, helping couples deal with relationship issues. So, believe me, I can fully understand the issues facing the people in these situations.
“The bottom line for me (and I know my wife would agree), is that one must be true to self, and do or not do what he/she believes to be right. Although input from friends, family, professionals, clergy, etc., may be welcomed, and of some use, ultimately, the decision rests with the individual(s)/couple.
“In my case, I do have the full support of family, friends, and professionals, to reach out/date/socialize, etc., and if I do find another ‘special one,’ then, a committed romantic relationship would be welcome. That new relationship would not preclude my love for my wife, nor impinge on my visiting her regularly.
“If Champs want to contact me, my email is anoldnorthender@gmail.com.”
Comments from Champs (readers) to this article on November 30, 2018
Last week’s topic, dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s, was/is a controversial topic.
I am aware of that. A small number of Champs responded in horror that someone would venture out despite a spouse being in advanced stages of Alzheimer’s. They are sticking by their wedding vows forever. End of story. Regardless of what happens.
One person who feels that way was critical of others who feel differently.
Others, particularly, those who have experienced a similar situation, or are currently experiencing it now, take a much more understanding and empathetic point of view.
My thoughts: This is a topic that couples (not just married couples, but, any committed couple) might want to discuss “what if?” while they are both lucid, clear thinking, and far before the issue presents itself. What each couple decides is right for them is exactly that: right for them.
On Life and Love after 50 