By Columnist Tom Blake
January 28, 2025
21 Edited responses to last week’s False Hope eNewsletter
Last week’s eNewsletter struck a chord with many Champs. A widow named Ann had fallen in love with a man whose wife has Alzheimer’s. Here are 21 (edited by me) responses.
Liz, Illinois. “You provide an incredible service to us as senior citizens. I just turned 84 and have been receiving information from you for close to 3 decades.”
Jim, “A friend of mine has a wife he takes care of and has started to spend time with another woman, but it’s very casual and for companionship only. He doesn’t talk much about it. I think he feels guilty somewhat and awkward to talk about this other lady.
Linda, “I think Ann shouldn’t see Ben until his wife passes. Getting involved now just makes a hard situation even tougher. His wife needs her husband to take care of her. I realize once you opened that door, it’s hard to keep the emotions contained but wouldn’t continuing be cheating? Not the right way to start a romance.”
Belinda, “Ann should send a last email to give herself some closure here so she can move forward with someone new. She should tell Ben that she’s attracted to him and that she’s interested in a potential relationship with him, but not until his wife has passed.
“Ann should tell Ben she wishes him well as he navigates this tough part of her life, but she will continue to live her best life for now and that if he is interested and able to be fully available, he should get in touch with her at that time.”
Eleute, “Ann should not contact him. He sounds like an impulsive person, and he may well contact her anyway. Hopefully he won’t, as his responsibility is to his wife.”
Jackie, “I read with heartbreak your letter from Ann and her situation. A woman friend I know got Alzheimer’s, and her husband kept her home as long as he could. Then, for her safety, he put her in a home. He went there every day to feed her breakfast lunch and dinner and spend time with her.
“He was so lonely he started a friendship with a nurse’s aide. His daughters are convinced the aide is a gold digger, taking full advantage of the father.
“He was a wealthy man and the rest of the family were upset because they felt while their mom was alive, he should not have this companionship, which developed into more when the aide moved into the father’s home.
“Two daughters turned against him. They said how can you explain that a good Christian man is cheating on his wife to the grandchildren.
The daughters felt the woman took full advantage of the situation and tried to replace the mother before it was time, and the father was so devastated that he was losing his wife and his family as long as “that woman” was living there.
He turned to this woman for companionship and for love because he hadn’t felt loved in a very long time as a partner.
“The father knew his children were right– it was a very bad example moving the aide into the home while grandma was still alive. And his loneliness and desperation for connecting with another human being put him into a headspace where he felt his life was of no use to anyone and he committed suicide.
“I recently lost my husband, so I understand the loneliness that goes with it. I feel the same loneliness and it’s hard at night when you’re used to talking and watching TV together and doing even simple things and now it’s just me and the pets.
“I pray that Ann will put the ball in his court and leave it there.
“I think Ann made a mistake, inviting him to her home. Meeting in a public place for coffee or wine and then leaving it there would have been best. Bringing it home, allowing him to kiss her sends a definite message to Ben and any man that she’s open for more of a relationship than he might be ready to give in those situations.
“Ann needs to talk to a therapist to help her fill the void in a healthy way of her loneliness.”
Stephanie, “Ben, by asking Ann to come over when he was nude in the hot tub and his wife in the house was way out of bounds and weird. Ann should see a therapist about her sadness, and it’s just my take on it, he is not ‘the one’ for her.
Virginia, “When the (now archaic) marriage vows ‘until death do us part” were formed many years ago, we didn’t have unforgiving relentless diseases such as devastating Alzheimer’s or other life-threatening diseases and people died at earlier ages.
“Now, with scientific advances in health care, life can be prolonged even with diseases, creating this modern ‘dilemma.’ Perhaps the marriage vows should be changed to read ‘until physical /mental health do us part,’ with an added commitment to assure the affected spouse that has an incurable physical /mental disease will be taken care of.
“In that way the (usually older) remaining spouse would be free to enjoy any ‘Golden Years’ left, with or without another life companion. Life is short, and we are dead for a long time!
“It doesn’t seem ethically or morally right that the remaining surviving healthy spouse would be lawfully required to sacrifice his/her own remaining years of life because modern advances have overtaken archaic laws. The stark reality of the mental and physical issues along life’s journey can be cruel.
“Previous lifestyles and genetic health issues in either partner that result in incurable mental or physical illness cannot always be predicted, and it doesn’t seem fair for both spouses to suffer.”
Jonie, “Ann has an interesting situation. The minute Ben invited her over to his house, where his sick wife lives, while he was in the hot tub and told her he was naked she should have ended her attraction to him. Something big time wrong here. She is better off not pursuing this guy. She might be a bit desperate, but she needs to get over that.”
S, “Seriously Ann? You’re a grown woman. He’s not ready after you turned him down on skinny dipping. Had you shown up he would not only be ready, but chomping at the bit. Move on.”
Larry, “It is amazing how so many people fret over establishing relationships. He invited her to join him in his hot tub.She invited him over to her house to drink wine. Alzheimer’s or not, he is a married man.Shame on both!”
Gail, “Ann is full of contradictions and putting way too much emphasis on finding a man to make her happy.
“Finding good things to do for your community is so important and will fill some of her needs. She needs to back off and not meet him until his wife is gone. She can support him verbally, but not through get-togethers.”
Jeanne, “Definitely a therapist! Ann needs some help with this. She’s lonely and this situation is complicated!”
Francine, “Loneliness takes on many forms. He is lonely as he lost his wife’s affection and attention a long time ago. Ann is lonely and he gave her some hope. I’d say she does not need therapy but rather join some clubs that interest her. I’d also suggest a ‘do-over. What is that? It is the new year. Maybe lose a few pounds, go to the gym, get a new hair style or color, facials. Improve the outside while working on some hobbies and soul searching.”
Kaitte “Isn’t that a catch 22. In Love? In less than 2 weeks? It’s possible–definitely chemistry there–I’d be cautious giving my heart. He’s obviously thought this through. He chose to keep his wife home, with a lot of responsibility. Relationships of any kind are work. You must be available and he’s saying he’s not–even though he wants to be. The only thing I’d do maybe be a support system, or not if that’s too much. Or put communication on hold until the situation changes. I’d get on with my life in the meantime.”
Sher, “Ann should not see or contact him again. She should make efforts to get out of the house and meet people socially. Don’t try to make it happen, it will happen organically. Take a break to grieve a bit, then open your front door and walk out into the world. Take walks, chat people up in markets, hit the nearest driving range, tons of men there, sign up for lessons, or buy a basket of balls, and ask for help with your swing.”
Patty, “Watching your loved one fade away makes loneliness have a new meaning to us all.
“You’re losing your best friend, your lifelong hero, and best friend-confidant too. You get a little crazy with the changes of abandonment, even though it wasn’t intentional. Tell her to stay far away from him, even further than she thinks.
“He has a lot of mourning to do thru this process…and no offense Ann, but you are a band aid. Don’t put him OR you through this.
He needs time with his struggles.”
Carolyn, “Ann must stop contacting Ben! Yikes! Ben is simply playing with her heart. Ann is lonely. I feel bad for her as she is the one being hurt. He wanted Ann to come over and jump into the hot tub with him while he was naked? That did not sound right at all! After Ann declined his tawdry offer, he stopped contacting her. He is leading Ann on and that is so wrong and sad!”
Sandra, “I am not a singles expert (especially at my senior age). She should respond only to his last text with understanding comments. If she was the last one to text him, she shouldn’t try again.”
Deanne, “Shame on Ann. She sounds like a ten-year-old. She can’t be in love, just lonely. She needs to talk with a professional. This man is married, and his wife is slowly dying. Ann needs to realize what it would be like if she was this poor woman. Going after a disabled and dying woman’s husband is disgusting.
“I’m a ten-year widow. I watched my husband die. I took care of him and never thought of another man. I think they both sound a little off.”
Brenda, “Ben is not ready. His emotions are probably all over the place right now. I believe the best thing for Ann to do is be friendly if she sees Ben out and about but not contact him. If anything, just text or email and wish him well and tell him that she understands. I feel for her.”
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. It’s a difficult situation with so many emotions in play.
On Life and Love after 50 