On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 25, 2023
By Tom Blake Columnist
Last week’s eNewsletter, “Home alone with only dogs for company,” generated several Champ’s responses. It was the word “dogs” that inspired many of the emails, which, led me to ponder the importance of dogs in the senior dating arena.
Carol emailed, “What prompted me to write today was the title of your article. I live with three dogs. They are my roommates, therapists when needed, protectors, and best friends. They bring and share with me unconditional love, something senior daters seek. Men have failed over and over to provide me with that type of love.
“Dogs don’t care what you look like in the morning. My Labrador loves my morning breath, greeting me each morning with the joy and love that only dogs can give.
“If people are fortunate to love dogs, the unconditional love that dogs provide mixed with the peoples’ acceptance of that love, makes a strong bond that requires nothing else. When I meet a potential mate, to proceed to a second date, he must like dogs!
“Let your dogs meet your new friend and the dogs will tell you if this is someone worth your efforts, or not.”
Tom’s comment: Oh wow. If that’s the case, the dog makes the decision. I guess I should take the dog out for coffee instead of taking the woman out.
A different Carol also emailed, “I too ‘live alone’ with a dog, a toy poodle that I’ve had for 13 years. And another one before her. My husband has been gone for several years. I don’t know what I would do without my Daisy. I talk to her just like I would talk to a kid and am sure she understands everything I say to her.”
Since I began senior online dating four months ago, I have been amazed at the number of women’s profiles that feature dogs. A woman might post six photos to her profile. Often, the dog is solo in two or three of those pictures. Or the woman is holding the dog at different angles.
Don’t get me wrong, there are many senior single men who also have dogs or horses. I’ve wondered if a guy walking his dog meets a woman with a dog, do the dogs have to like each other for the couple to have a match or committed relationship? I’ll ask my buddy Jim, he’s single and has a dog (named Hilton) and horses.
In four months of dating, I’ve met dogs named Chanel, Buster, Blue Sky, Milo, Bandit, Sky King, Mukluk, and Bootsy, to name a few, and I’ve liked them all. But that doesn’t mean the dogs’ owners are going to like me.
Going forward, instead of arriving at a woman’s front door with a dozen red roses, I’ll bring a bag of doggie treats to get the dog’s approval.
Also, if you are allergic to dogs, you are kind of screwed in the senior dating arena.
One woman brought her dog to my home. Within minutes of checking out the house, the dog jumped into my leather, swivel office chair. And went to sleep. Too bad he couldn’t help me write an article.
I end today’s column with this senior dating tip for men. If you meet a potential partner who owns a dog, and you want to see the woman again, whether you like her dog or not, tell her you love the dog. It will improve your chances of getting a second date, along with those doggie treats we mentioned earlier.
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 18, 2023
By Tom Blake columnist
Home alone with only dogs for company
People often ask where I learned to write, expecting to hear a reply like “At journalism school.” Or, they ask, “Have you always been a writer?” I reply: “No journalism school. No formal writing classes, self-taught, and prompted by an unanticipated Christmas holiday event.
In 1993, I was in Santa Rosa, California, visiting my 82-year-old mom, as I did every Christmas holiday, and at least once a month. Santa Rosa is a nine-hour drive from Dana Point where I lived then.
My wife of six years, and her two boys, said they wanted me to have alone time with Mom so they opted to not join me on the trip.
I telephoned home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no one answered. I thought that was strange, as I was unaware of any plans they had made.
On the morning after Christmas, Mom and I were having breakfast at her home. The phone rang. I answered. It was my wife calling.
She said, “Hi honey. We had a great Christmas. I’ve been busy at work. The weather’s been wonderful, and we moved out.”
A bit stunned to say the least, I said, “What do you mean you moved out?” Mom heard my seven words, and her hackles went up.
My wife replied, “Just wanted to let you know. Gotta go. Everything’s fine.” And she hung up.
I hugged Mom goodbye and proceeded to drive back to Dana Point. I didn’t know it at the time, but that nine-hour drive was the start of my writing career.
Why? I had a notepad on my lap. A million thoughts went through my mind. I reminded myself to not be a distracted driver.
As best I could, I jotted down my thoughts. A word here, a word there. Short, incomplete sentences. The first item: What about my dogs, Amy and Kira? Were they gone? Were they still there? Had they been fed or left with water?
The next item: Why did she do it without us discussing it first? By the trip’s end, I had a mishmash of notes on the notepad.
When I pulled into the garage, my dogs barked. They were okay, nothing else mattered, at least at that moment.
My wife and her boys had taken what furniture and household items they wanted and didn’t leave much. I described that in the notepad, which became the start of a diary. I was puzzled, perplexed, and pissed.
A month later, while serving sandwiches during lunchtime at Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point, California, deli, in front of customers and employees, I was served with divorce papers! And, as I was doing every night, I went home and jotted down my thoughts in what then had become sort of a woe-is-me diary.
In two months, the divorce was final. Shortly after the divorce, at age 54, I decided to start dating again, thinking I’d be king of the hill, because lots of single women came to the deli. But those women didn’t want to date a broken man in his early 50s.
Oh my gosh, reality hit harder than I had ever imagined. As I sat on barstools at Brio, Hennessey’s, and other local singles’ hangouts, I’d add the dating misadventures into the diary. Sitting on barstools, I honed my writing skills. After five months, I converted the notes from the diary into a short story. I edited the material 25 times. It was about 75 pages. I thought I could get the story published.
I sent query letters to TheNew York Times, LA Times, Playboy Magazine and Esquire. No response. The Orange County Register recommended I contact the Dana Point News, the Register’s community paper in Dana Point.
After reading my short story, the two women editors—Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn–agreed to an in-person meeting.“What do you have in mind?” They asked.
I had no idea, so I just blurted out, “Maybe I could do a dating-after-50 column from a man’s point of view whose wife dumped him at age 54 and he’s trying to date.”
They said, “That’s what we were thinking. You are whining and complaining so much about the cost of dating, and being rejected by all sorts of women, including younger women, we feel the single, middle-aged women of Orange County will have a field day reading your male point of view articles.”
My column was titled, “Middle Aged and Dating Again.”
The first newspaper article was called, “Home alone, with only dogs for Company.” It appeared July 7, 1994–29 years ago–in the South County Lifestyles section of four Orange County Register community newspapers.
Sherrie and Dixie were right about the vitriolic responses from women.
The first comment was, “Who is this sniveling puke?”
The second: “Get the boy a crying towel.”
And the third: “He complains that younger women won’t go out with him. It’s a wonder any woman will go out with him.”
Welcome to the 1994 dating trenches, Tom.
Soon the column appeared in 10 OC Register community papers. And then for eight years, it was also in the Register itself, the nation’s 20th largest newspaper, as well as the community papers. Opportunity had arisen from adversity. The unexpected move-out by my wife turned out to be a blessing in my life.
Eleven years ago, in 2012, I was fortunate to join the team at Picket Fence Media—the publishers of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch. My column title, “Finding Love After 50.”
I learned last week that Picket Fence Media has been sold to the Times Media Group, a collection of 29 newspapers in Arizona and around Los Angeles. My publisher told me that the new owners want me to keep writing my columns. There’s a chance that my column might be included in even more newspapers. I hope so.
The number of columns and eNewsletters written in 29 years is approaching 4,600.
Why was that divorce 29 years ago the best thing that ever happened to me? It launched a writing career that has been more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. It brought appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.
And more importantly, it opened the door for me to meet Greta, a partner with whom I shared so many incredible experiences in the 25 years we were together before she passed away last October.
And now it’s back to being single. And because of you Champs, I realize I am not alone in trying to find a new direction and maybe be fortunate again to find a mate. We’ve got lots of Champs who are widows, widowers, never-married, and divorced people who have suffered a hell of a lot more adversity than I have. Many are grieving now.
Please hug them, listen to them, and be friends with them. There’s a huge cloud of emptiness and loneliness around them, which I can relate to.
Have things changed on the dating scene in 29 years? Not much, except now there is online dating with romance scammers on every Internet dating site. Plus, now, instead of focusing on dating after 50, the focus includes dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—hard to meet someone compatible. And as we age, women tell me there aren’t enough men.
For those who have suffered a major setback in life, try–as hard as it is currently for you–to include social interaction in your routines. Join groups, help each other, give lots of hugs, and be thankful for life. Look for that seed of opportunity to soothe the pain. It’s out there somewhere, you just need to keep an eye out for it.
Have a purpose in life, whether it’s volunteering, gardening, sewing, joining a book club, or enjoying your friends and family.
And pray for the people of Hawaii, especially the people of Maui.
Thanks to you women and men Champs for being so important and special in my life.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 11, 2023? Who Pays for The Senior DateBy Columnist Tom Blake
Tom Blake’s ebook
Who pays for the senior date? The man, the woman or do they share?
An email from a long-time Champ inspired today’s eNewsletter.
Cheryl wrote, “I’m 68 and gave up on dating, especially online, because I was getting a lot of overseas scammers and I also experienced a group of men who were classless, meaning, they were cheap. “I don’t need anyone to pay my way, but in my life, I’ve experienced people who have the means to treat me to the niceties of life and were happy to do it.
“I’m always surprised that women say if a man pays for dinner, the men expect something else, (like a roll in the hay)-so crass. I’m not sure what to think about men who don’t at least buy a drink or a light meal that might make a nice impression. If they don’t, am I to think they might be frugal and the rest of my life with them will be lacking in the things that I enjoy?”
Tom’s response to Cheryl: “I always pay. Sometimes a woman will strongly insist she pays for her own expense on the first date. And if I don’t let her, she will be offended so I let her. However, I’m old-fashioned, I’m very casual when the bill arrives. I’ll break her hand if she reaches for it. That’s how my parents raised me.
Cheryl responded, “I’m glad you shared with me that you pay. I’m not a feminist and also have old-fashioned values even though I have been a businesswoman and savvy real estate and stock investor (only saying this because some of us women are financially stable and not looking to take advantage of men). I guess there’s a group out there who ruins things for everyone.”
This “Who Pays for the Date?” issue has been a concern in senior dating for years. In fact, I wrote and published an ebook titled, “Who Pays for the Date?” in 2009.
In thinking about Cheryl’s “Who Pays” question this week, I went to Smashwords, my online ebook bookstore (the second largest ebook bookstore in the world after Amazon.com), and reread my book.
Humbly I say, it’s a wonderfully entertaining 16-page book and right on the money (pun not intended). Very little has changed in 14 years. I’m offering it to you Champs today for $1.99 (remember it’s an ebook, not a printed book). Most of what I wrote still applies today. See the link to the book at the end of today’s eNewsletter. Here’s a short excerpt from my 2009 book about my personal friend Buddy.
“Since Bobby and the woman were meeting in her neck of the woods, 15 miles from where he lived, he asked her to select the restaurant where they would meet. This was Buddy’s first mistake; he was no longer in control of where he’d be spending his money on a woman he’d never met. “Early the next morning after their first date, the e-mails started flying my way. Buddy wrote, ‘Nicki has expensive tastes! I would have preferred a coffee shop, but what could I do after I was at the expensive restaurant?’”
Lesson learned. Buddy was foolish for asking Nicki to pick the meeting place. Since he initiated the date, he should have taken control and suggested coffee in a less expensive place. When men are paying for a first date, they shouldn’t give the woman carte blanche to choose where to meet. If a woman offers to pick the place, the man should say, “Thanks for the offer, but I want our date to be special, so I’ll choose the place.”
Champ Jim said, “I think men should pick up the tab on the first few dates and share the costs occasionally after–if the women financially are capable to help. The women don’t need to pick up the bill but going Dutch or at least offering to pay is a start. Some women expect the man to pay it always and never offer to help.”
Tom’s comment: Two weeks ago, I agreed to meet a woman who lived 30 miles away. I was going to her city on another project so I figured I’d multi-task: complete my project and meet a nice new person I’d met online. We agreed on 3:30 p.m. for coffee in her city. I asked her to choose the meeting location. She mentioned a restaurant. I didn’t check on it online, but soon found out it was an elegant, high-class, expensive French restaurant.
My drive to meet her, which normally takes a half hour, took two hours due to traffic problems. So, I needed a glass of wine, not coffee. When I got to the restaurant, I was seated outside at a patio dining table. The woman arrived a few minutes later. Instead of coffee, we each ordered a glass of wine.
Since the restaurant was empty, a waiter kept bugging us about ordering appetizers or an early dinner. I wasn’t hungry; she was. She ordered dinner, fresh sea bass, caught locally. I had a Gazpacho appetizer: $14.00. The bill for our wine, her dinner, my soup, and the tip was $162.43. I paid without batting an eye but cursed at myself for letting this happen.
Lesson learned. Going forward, I will designate the place and that our first date is for “coffee only.”
Three days later, I met a nice woman at a coffee shop near my home. When I got there, she had already bought and paid for her coffee. I got a coffee for me: $3.29. We had a delightful time.
Also in 2009, I was a columnist for TheOrange CountyRegister. I quoted an article I had read titled, “Courting Costs Are Yours, Too, Ladies,” by humor columnist Amy Alkon(www.advicegoddess.com). Amy wrote: “If a woman considers herself a man’s equal, her equality shouldn’t evaporate when the check comes. The point here isn’t calculating each person’s outlay to the bent dime. Just that dating shouldn’t send men to the bankruptcy court and women to the mall.”
In that column, I added, “Men want to see a little jingle come from the woman’s purse to help contribute to the exorbitant cost of dating.”
Tom’s 5 tips in 2023 on who should pay for the senior date
1 On a first date, the man should almost always pay. No matter if the woman wants to pay her half. However, the man should designate the place to meet and the time, and always specify, “coffee,’ whether he or she drinks it or not. Optional: tea. And the man should designate the place if he initiated the date.
2 On the second date, the man should also pay. UNLESS she suggests a pricey outing. If that’s the case, I feel the man needs to step forward and say something like, “That’s a bit out of my budget. I just paid my daughter’s Harvard University tuition and I’m on a tight budget now” (or some similar flimsy excuse).
3 If two seniors become a couple, on the third date and going forward, a discussion on “Who Pays?” needs to happen soon. This is where love, understanding, caring, and sharing enter the picture. Communication takes over, a key to senior relationship success.
4 When the woman is more comfortable financially than the man, they need to lay the cards on the table and work out an amenable arrangement. This is where fairness and a willingness to compromise enter the scene. And that may enhance the longevity of the senior relationship.
5 If he always pays, she can equalize things by cooking him dinner at home.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 4, 2023
By Columnist Tom Blake
When seniors get dumped by a mate
Editor’s note: The cover photo is of Matt and Cheryl. Their story is included below near the bottom of the article.
Two weeks ago, I wrote about Jack, age 73, whose 15-year-younger girlfriend told him she was moving out, after he had been in the hospital with “a serious illness.” She had lived with him at his home for 10 years. He was devastated and is still trying to overcome the heartache he’s felt for several months.
I wrote last week, “When adversity hit in the form of his senior illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.” Oh wow, that comment didn’t sit well with some women Champs.
Patty emailed, “You got the hair up on my neck when you wrote that sentence. I had a similar situation with a man I was crazy about. He took advantage of me every chance he could.
“He went into the hospital with a serious health situation, and I was there by his side. During his stay, I found out he lied to me about something and that was a deal breaker for me.
“He was still seeing a woman when he looked at me in the face and swore he wasn’t. Was it harmless?
“That wasn’t the point…he looked at me right in my eyes and said he wasn’t. And he did, right before I drove up to LA to take him, hold his hand, put a cold cloth on his bald little head, as he lay in recovery. And he was still texting her on my birthday.
“I painfully left him there in the hospital. Doing so was so against my gut core that it physically broke me for a while.
“Tom don’t assume all sides of a story are true until you hear them. I had been a tireless, faithful caregiver for my husband for 10 years (Married 45 years) and I wasn’t about to go through that pain again for someone that lacked personal integrity.
“I’m still not over feeling bad for leaving him there–four months later–but I also couldn’t have lived with a guy that looked at me in the face and lied to me. Two sides… two stories.
I’m sure Jack’s version, leaving out a lot of reality, would break your heart too.
Be gentle my friend…maybe she was crazy about a player too… but found out her well-being was better without him, as painful as that was.
“Maybe it was her turn now.”
Sandy, “Jack’s story leads one to believe that he was abandoned after experiencing an illness. This happens and he greased the wheels for this by living together and not getting married. However, perhaps there is more to it than we know. Maybe his words ‘We had a challenging relationship’ are a rosy euphemism for a troubled relationship.
“While the woman left, let’s remember that men leave living-together relationships and marriages as well and he could have exercised that option at any time including if she had become ill.
“Most men (this includes my father, a 91-year-old widower) want a younger woman on their arm.
“A relationship with a younger woman certainly can work but it is a minefield which men REFUSE to acknowledge. Late marriages to younger women are not always love matches and men who don’t want to acknowledge this are taking a significant risk. The bigger the age difference, the greater the risk.
“Most of these – especially young women who target older men–are only looking to trade sex for security. Most men want to believe the fantasy that a 35-year-old is madly in love with them at age 70.”
Tom’s thoughts: I take issue with Sandy’s comment that most men believe a woman half their age would be madly in love with them. I don’t know of any men who think a woman half their age would be madly in with them. Not one guy.
Also, regarding the earlier comment that most men want a younger woman on their arm. This is a gray area. How much younger? On my first online date, the woman asked, “What is the age range you are looking for?” Remember, Champs, I’ve reached 80. I said, “Between 72 and 79.”
She was aghast. She said, “You men are all alike, trying to date younger women.” Then, she looked at the sky and said, “The sun just came out. I am leaving to go do my swimming laps.” She stood up and left, never to be seen by me again.
Is between one and nine years younger considered dating a younger woman at my age? Holy cow!
Sandy continued, “Recently this happened to a long-time guy friend who is 71. A woman (35) carried on with him for two years. She wanted out of her marriage. He paid for an apartment and furniture and more. Eventually, I encouraged him to grant her wish which was to come and stay at his home for two weeks. (I encouraged this because I knew he would see that she was not sincere).
“She brought a girlfriend. He hosted them for two weeks and then the two women did not want to leave. By this time, he realized the only love there was – was for his bank account. They stayed another two weeks. Then the girl went home and left her girlfriend there.
“The girlfriend made a sexual proposition (yes, really) but she was turned down by him and she finally left. The girl returned to her husband and young child. This unveiling incident lasted almost six weeks and my friend was understandably depressed at finding out that he was not loved for himself.
“It took a while, but he recovered, and it was certainly better than continuing to believe the fantasy or base a permanent relationship on the fantasy.
“The risks are further amplified if either or both partners have previous unsuccessful marriages. Baggage times the number of marriages.
“Younger women willingly make sacrifices to be with an older man. It requires certain sacrifices for the man as well. It’s unrealistic for men to think they are going to have a longstanding relationship with a younger woman and not acknowledge how the age disparity can change expectations.
Cheryl shared, “I’m home recovering nicely from an auto accident earlier this month, and grateful for all the support I’ve received and especially for all Matt’s (my partner) help during this difficult time. Having been his caregiver through several surgeries and cancer treatments, our roles have reversed recently due to my accident.
“When I ventured into online dating, one of the guys online commented on his profile that he wasn’t looking for a ‘nurse’ and didn’t want to be contacted by anyone looking for a ‘purse.’ The comment offended me then and still does.
“Although I understood his concern, at our age, none of us knows when we might need a ‘nurse.’ When Matt and I became serious and made the commitment to each other for ‘the rest of the journey,’ we also decided to live together.
“As it turned out, Matt has experienced several health challenges as I mentioned I have had the role of ‘nurse’ several times since we’ve been together. He has never resented or felt like he was my ‘purse’ and I haven’t felt like or resented being his ‘nurse.’ We have contributed to our relationship in different ways but neither of us has felt used nor do we have any regrets about making the commitment to each other. On the contrary, we feel extraordinarily blessed and grateful to have found love and companionship with each other in our senior years.
“Sandy mentioned this past week ‘the risk of having any relationship.’ Perhaps the greatest risk is allowing ourselves to trust another person with not only our feelings but our physical and financial security. Those risks are present at any age, not just in our senior years.
“A dear friend advises, ‘Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.’ There are no guarantees in any relationship, but no relationship is possible without taking risks. Matt and I are certainly grateful we did!
Tom, “I have a friend who is dealing with the grief of losing his wife one year ago. He felt he needed to sell his horse and was feeling sad because it was the loss of an animal he loved. So, any loss, not just of a spouse or partner, can leave a hole in a person’s heart, especially after we’ve already lost the spouse or partner.
Even the loss of someone we’ve dated for just a short time, and care for. It’s not just that he or she passed away. Either person could decide the relationship wasn’t for them.
Senior dating is wonderful when you meet someone and form an exclusive relationship. But maybe one of the partners, or both, rushed in a little too deep and a little too hard. Red flags can be when a potential mate says, “Oh, you seem to care more than I do.” And then the same person says a few days later, “I need more alone time.”
And yet, you try to make it work because you care, and yet you are vulnerable.
And then he or she leaves. It’s only natural to feel sad. Is the other person wrong or mean? No, they are just being honest. You’ve got to just “let it be” and get your profile page updated. Yikes.
Makes me think of the song by Foreigner, “I Want To Know What Love Is.”
Today we have the main event and then Part 2, which will put a smile on your face.
I begin today’s eNewsletter with a big welcome to 61 new Champs who subscribed on Tuesday and Wednesday. Never, in 29 years of writing about senior dating after 50, have I had more than three people subscribe in one day. So, what the heck happened?
I was mentioned on NPR’s Morning Edition broadcast Tuesday. The segment was about the new ABC TV show, “The Golden Bachelor.” Actually, I was disappointed because my pre-recorded interview from last week lasted 15 minutes. But I was only on Tuesday’s show for less than a minute. I quickly understood when film editors say unwanted film ends up on the film editing floor.
And even though my comments were brief, I am thrilled to have 63 (and probably more signs ups yesterday) new Champs receive this eNewsletter. Welcome to our new women and men Champs. The link to the NPR two-minute segment is included at the end of today’s eNewsletter.
The most difficult challenge to writing this week’s eNewsletter was to decide which topic to write about, based on what women Champs said in their responses to last week’s tale-of-woe by Jack. That eNewsletter can be viewed on my Finding Love After 50.com website.
By the way, there are more than 400 of my most recent columns on that website. Last week’s story about Jack is the first one you will see when going there.
My what-to-write-about decision boiled down to this: Either (1) The importance of money in senior relationships or (2) Why seniors bail out of relationships. Granted, the two issues are often intertwined, but there was such a wealth of information from Champs that I will devote a separate weekly article on each topic.
Hence, some of you Champs who voiced intelligent and insightful comments about both money in senior relationships and seniors who get dumped may appear two weeks in a row.
5Senior women air their opinions on money in senior relationships
I decided to focus today on the importance of money in senior relationships. Here’s what five women Champs emailed. (these comments were edited for clarity and space by me)
Marie, “Having read your eNewsletters for a long time, I have noticed a common thread: the topic of money is often interwoven in complaints from seniors when relationships sour.
“In Jack’s case last week, it’s not clear if he is more devastated by his relationship ending, or that he invested what he thinks is a lot of money in the relationship? Nor does he seem to consider that his woman, despite all the money he spent on her, was clearly not satisfied with the relationship after spending 15 years with him.
“Your newsletter title might be more appropriately called ‘On Life, Love and Money,’ because money makes a regular appearance.”
Tom’s reply to Marie. “Yes, you are right about the eNewsletter’s title. But I probably won’t rename it to ‘On Life, Love and Money.’ But we’ll use that as buzzwords in a few future articles.”
Patty, “You know you were going to get a Champ riled up by last week’s article and the hair on the back of my neck made me reply!
“Women also can be well educated and have very successful careers, be financially very well independent, and every guy that approaches her sooner or later looks at her as his social security extra benefit financially.
“I’ve had guys that barely know me declare we can live in my house during the winter and his house in the summer. Not even caring what I want…
“They want you to pay for more than they do…and can happily turn away or look at their phone when the check comes.
“This money thing goes both ways. Maybe women learned the game earlier out of necessity, but there are an equal number of men that weren’t as successful as the woman they are with.
Men also take advantage of financially successful women.
Tom’s reply to Patty: Wow, Patty, you were riled up. Your comments about money in relationships are pretty strong, but nothing like your comments about Jack being dumped, which we’ll include next week. But, please, please, not every guy looks at women as their social security extra benefit financially or looks at his phone when the check comes or takes advantage of financially successful women.
“By the way, my house is pleasant in both the summer and winter. I bet you have a beautiful as well. So, you see, you can have a choice of what months you’d prefer to be at my house and me at your house. What will it be?” Of course, Patty, I’m only joking. I’m guessing our homes are within 10 miles of each other’s.
Sandy, “Even if Jack PAID for everything – does that mean that his live-in woman made no contributions to the household? I rather doubt it.
“Of course, if they had married, this would have been sorted out if they dissolved the marriage. Since he did not want marriage – he is out the money.
“Pre-nuptial agreements happen before getting married or living together. She wanted to get married – the time for the pre-nup was BEFORE getting married or living together.
“Parity in a relationship is not represented solely by money. Men like to play this card, but money does not buy you a relationship nor does it make a house a home. There will always be disparities in income – this is part of the risk of having any relationship.
“My husband and I are Champs. He is (9) years older than I am and we have been together for ten years. When we met, we both had homes, successful careers, and one unsuccessful marriage for each of us. On our first date, I understood that he was financially more successful than I was. He had also lost his previous longstanding girlfriend to cancer.
“On our 2nd and 3rd dates, I was compelled to let him know that we were not in financially equitable positions because I did not own my home free and clear yet, I shared my salary and my pension balance. In addition, I shared that I had cancer surgery 18 months prior because no one should have to lose someone twice to cancer.
“This was very hard for me to do – the cancer part – but I told him I would understand if he did not want to take that risk. The financial part – well – that’s a good example of the income disparity that can exist between equally successful men and women in different fields.”
Elenute, “Yes, we’ve all been through the mill, as one says. ‘Jack’s’ story reminds me of some elements of my own:
“Mine was also for almost ten years. My ‘life partner’ and I bought a house together. Unlike ‘Jack,’ we had a financial arrangement that I found very workable: We shared the mortgage, utilities, etc., but kept our bank accounts otherwise separate.”
Sylvia: “The financial situation is a shoulder shrug. We don’t see or believe what the future could hold. The world has become a difficult place to navigate. There are potential pitfalls at every step. I have become content with my family, work and hobbies and have stopped searching for the one man to be in my life.”
Tom’s comment to Sylvia: “Well, at least you currently have no financial issues with a relationship. And although you have ceased looking for a man, you never know who might unexpectedly come along. And you will be prepared how to plan the financial arrangement.”
The comments from the above five women about money were just the tip of the iceberg. But that’s enough for today. I don’t want to overwhelm our 25 new Champs. Here’s the link to the NPR interview:
One of the themes we often mention in these eNewsletters is the importance of seniors getting out of the house and interacting socially with people. And that’s not solely to meet a mate. It’s proven that social interaction is good for our health.
So, this past Monday, a friend and I went to the Laguna Beach Festival of Arts to listen to a Motown-era band. We, along with lots of other people, were dancing among the tables and having a great time. We shared the extra seats at our table with four lovely people from Armenia.
Another couple was seated nearby and smiled at us as we danced. As the concert was winding down, he asked, “Are you Tom Blake?”
I said “Yes.”
Then he said, “You and I worked together 40 years ago.”
“Where?” I replied.
“In Oakland. You and I worked for the Oakland Invaders of the United States Football League (USFL) in March and April 1983, the league’s inaugural year. You were the marketing/sales guy who got people to purchase game tickets.”
I was taken aback. How could anybody remember what I did so long ago? I could barely remember the USFL.
Then, he said, “Our boss was Tad Taube, the millionaire team owner.”
I said, “What did you do for the Invaders?”
He replied, “I was the punter on the team.”
I was dumbstruck. We shook hands. “I’m Stan Talley, and this is my wife, Cynthia.” Cynthia and my friend Margo had been chatting and already had become pals.
Turns out that Stan and Cythia live in Niguel Shores in Dana Point, a mile from me.
This little story shows the importance of social interaction for seniors. We just never know who we are going to meet.
The above photo is of Tom’s official 1983 USFL football, autographed by several Oakland Invader players and coaches. The signatures are faded so I can’t tell if Stan Talley’s signature is on it or not. I will show it to him when I get together with Stand and Cynthia sometime soon.
(Note from Tom: the photo above is Tom negotiating a pre-nuptial agreement for two seniors thinking of getting married. It’s a joke of course.)
A man we’ll call Jack emailed this week: “Tom, I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and thought I’d share another episode in the senior arena of relationships.
“I’m 73 and a well-educated guy with a doctorate after a 45-year successful career. About 12 years ago (at age 61) I met a very attractive woman, 15 years younger, in my same profession. We fell in love quickly.
“After a year of dating, we decided to move in together, on the condition as she said, “We should be getting married or engaged before moving in together.” Signal #1.
“I/we bought a townhome on the premise we would marry and then we moved in together. Her name went on the title based on the prospect of marrying, per my attorney and hers. Signal #2. (Senior dating – moving in together)
“We continued to live together for the next 10 years, traveling, dining out, and enjoying life. We attempted to prepare a pre-nuptial agreement but could not come to terms. Signal #3.
Our relationship was mostly peaceful and intertwined but with challenging personalities. I paid 100% of everything over a 10-year period. Signal #4 (in senior dating who pays?)
It was not a perfect relationship. I’ve taken responsibility for what I contributed to the challenges along the way. I won’t go into the messy details.
“I became seriously ill in December 2022, requiring a week hospital stay. Two weeks after the hospital release, my companion announced she had purchased a condo elsewhere and was moving out in a month. Final Signal.
“I was devastated and fell into all the grief stages at once. I felt the worst pain ever. It’s now been six months; lawyers are involved with trying to have her name removed from the deed so I can move on. It’s getting messy. I’m an unmarried man (thankfully) but feel like a divorced man.
“I’ve been in therapy to understand what happened and why it happened, and to better know myself. Therapy has been a grateful help and I’m getting better with time. My former companion has a new partner, but how long it has been going on I don’t know. I was loyal.
“What I’ll pass along from what I’ve learned…and I’m still learning…. Do not take your partner for granted. Express your love continuously. Think straight about the legal ramifications of relationships and protect yourself.
“Take personal responsibility for your errors and apologize in a way that enables your partner to feel your remorse. As Ted Lasso said, your gut and your heart are closely aligned … trust your gut while listening to your heart.”
Tom’s comments
Thankfully, Jack found a good therapist to help him through his difficult time of grieving. Therapists can be very helpful in a time of need. In a way, Jack’s situation sounds eerily like my third marriage. It ended differently but in a similar way.
It’s easy for me and Champs to find fault in Jack’s behavior. He should have done this, he should have done that, etc., So, I don’t want to rant on him or make him feel worse than he already does. But I must say this:
1 Moving in together was ok for Jack, but not under the premise of getting married. And putting her on the title was unwise.
For me, after wife number three (also 15 years younger) and I had been married for two years and she was not on the title, she lobbied for us to move to a new home about a half mile away, “To be closer to the beach,” is how she put it, but now I think it was also to be put on the title.
I bought a new home and foolishly put her on the title, thinking we were in the marriage together for the long haul. The mortgage interest rate was around 13 percent.
I didn’t pay for everything in our marriage, but probably 80%.
2 Why did Jack pay 100 percent for everything for 10 years? Ridiculous. Perhaps that was the price of being with a woman 15 years younger. Maybe she had planned that all along. He was foolish for allowing that arrangement.
3 Jack said his relationship wasn’t perfect. None are. Don’t go into any relationship thinking it will be perfect. He didn’t explain the “messy” details.
4 Jack says to express your love to her continuously; he seems to think she might not have bailed out on him if he had. Regardless of how he treated her, and how much love he expressed, she would have bailed anyway. He said he was loyal, but it didn’t seem to matter to her.
5 When adversity hit in the form of his illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.
A similar situation happened to me in my third marriage. In the early 1990s, when a recession hit Southern California, I told my wife we needed to tighten our financial belt. I didn’t realize it, but I believe she decided at that very moment to start planning her exit.
Less than two years later, at Christmas time, I went to Northern California to visit my 83-year-old mom. My wife and her two boys didn’t want to go with me, which was okay with me as I enjoyed alone time with Mom and my sisters and brother-in-law.
That was the opening my wife had waited for. On Christmas Eve, 1993, she and her two boys cleaned out the house, taking what furniture and belongings they wanted, and moved out of my life. There was no warning, no notice, just a sneaky clean-out.
Shortly thereafter, she filed for divorce. In my opinion, she felt she had squeezed every drop of dinero out of me and it was time for her to seek greener pastures.
Having her on title cost me a bundle of bucks in the divorce settlement. She used me, just as Jack’s woman used him. Both Jack and I allowed that to happen. Shame on us, but hindsight is always easier. Of course, this reminds me of Bob Seger’s song, “Shame on the Moon.” See the link below.
5 Because Jack’s companion bailed, he’s suffering enormous grief. Most of us who have lost mates, in one way or another—spouses, mates, animals, friends–understand the pain of Jack’s grief. Perhaps he was kidding himself all along that she loved and cared for him.
It’s still painful for him. Hopefully, that therapist will get him aimed in the right direction.
A pre-move-in agreement should have been prepared and signed.
Since he paid for everything, why did he also put her on the title? Good luck to Jack with getting her name off the document.
Let’s hope Jack has learned to think with his brain and not just with his heart. And me too.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter July 14, 2023 A Champ is Conflicted about Senior DatingBy Columnist Tom Blake
Part 1 – Conflicted. Still Fence-Sitting
Champ Candace emailed this week, “I’ve followed your eNewsletter for many years, took a short break when I got remarried at age 60. Let’s just say, that was a mistake. My husband did a full 360 once we were married. Even my adult children said the man I divorced was not the same man I married. Lesson learned.
“I doubt I’ll ever get married again. My first marriage lasted 18 years and gave me two incredible children and now four fantastic grandchildren.
“I find so many ways to keep busy–reading, cooking, sewing, and quilting. I make a lot of items to gift to friends and donate. Quilting to donate makes me happy and saves my sanity. I do enjoy going out to dinner or to a movie with friends. LOVE to dance but haven’t found a dance partner that only wants to dance. Ha!
“Is there something wrong with me for not wanting a relationship at this stage of my life? Have I been soured on romance by past relationships? It’s a lot of work to sift through all the online profiles and figure out who’s truthful and who isn’t. I don’t have the drive or energy to do that again.
“I see older couples, walking hand in hand, looking very happy, which would be very nice. I never thought I’d be 68 and alone. Give me a pep talk, or tell me I’m ok, just the way I am. Feeling very conflicted.”
Tom’s Response: “Thanks for writing. You are fine the way you are–IF YOU ARE TRULY HAPPY.
“However, I think you are asking for my opinion for a reason. You’d like to find love again. Let me know your thoughts about that.
“Keeping busy as you are doing is important. However, should you start dating, you might need to tweak your schedule to free up some time to make yourself more available to spend time with a new partner. Not all the time, but enough time to enjoy each other.
“What does a dance partner only mean? Sounds like you don’t want a physical relationship. Is that true? Many older men still want a physical relationship, along with the friend aspect. And some women do as well. If you want ‘friends only,’ some men will pass on dating you because they want intimacy.
“Yes, online dating and senior dating is work, but for some people, who end up meeting a mate, the effort is worth it.
“Have you soured on romance because of your past experiences? Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a new love that might please you and warm your heart.
“At 68, you are young. You have lots of life to live. Don’t simply fret about it, wondering what to do. Start slowly, with simple networking. It doesn’t have to be a big agonizing decision. Tell your friends and family members you’d like to start dating. Ask them if they know of any single guys who might enjoy meeting you.
“Marriage. Some seniors, many actually, do not want to marry again; I sure don’t. People can have a rewarding relationship without marriage. My partner Greta and I were not married and yet enjoyed 25 incredible years together. Both of us had been married three times before.
“Older couples walking together holding hands. You say that would be nice. Doing that is within your grasp, it will take time and energy to be out and about, and maybe even online.”
Candace, “Tom, thanks for the response. You’ve given me food for thought. Think I’m sitting on the fence right now. I’ll mull your thoughts and reply again soon. Here’s what I know for sure:
“Marriage – No thanks. I like having my own space to retreat to. Plus doing all the legal name change items is a real hassle. Nope.
“I’m financially comfortable, don’t need anyone to support me.
“So, finding someone to be a companion for going out to various functions would be lovely.
“If, there could be a spark, who knows where that could lead? I’m still fence-sitting!”
Candace has promised that she’ll keep us informed of her decision. We need to help her get off the fence.
Part 2 – Tom’s Interview with Gary Scott Thomas
Back in March, I was interviewed for about 45 minutes by a former well-known Country and Western DJ–Gary Scott Thomas. I mentioned it in the eNewsletter in March but it didn’t air until this past Wednesday.
Gary wanted me to talk about my book, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” And about my working with Johnny Cash for a couple of years. And then a bit about my writing on the senior dating topic.
It’s strictly a verbal interview, there is no video, which I discovered later when I learned that my desktop computer does not have a camera on it (no wonder it was so cheap to purchase). Had I been on my laptop, there would have been video and audio.
In case any Champs are interested in listening to 48 minutes or so of me talking about my past, while not getting bored, or falling asleep, you can click on this link. https://garyscottthomas.com/tom-blake/ Be sure you start the interview at minute 2:19. Again, I apologize there is no video.
In Part 2 above, Tom was interviewed by Gary Scott Thomas, a well-known and respected Country and Western DJ. Tom talks about his book Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?
Tom is also asked about his relationship with Johnny Cash and near the end of the interview Tom talks about his senior dating writing career, now in its 29th year. Contact me if you’d like an autographed copy at a deeply discounted price.
Tom was also the co-producer of Johnny’s album, pictured here, called “Destination Victoria Station.” An album of Johnny’s most famous train songs. 50,000 albums were produced, and 2,000 of those went to Johnny Cash. He told me later he wished he had more albums as they were very popular in Europe, especially in the Czech Republic.
Last week, we wrote about Betsy, who was concerned that if she started dating a friend, and it didn’t work out, she would lose him as a friend. I suggested she take a chance on love. Here’s what 12 Champs wrote.
Christine, “I love your advice to Besty! Her concerns are real and could certainly hold her back from a possible fuller relationship with her current friend. I liked that he was ‘bold’ to tell her that he wanted to kiss her. And I hope she truly believes your suggestions. And if they both act like adults–if it doesn’t work out–they could become even better friends. And who knows? They could end up finding their Chapter Two.”
Naomi, “Re: Betsy’s dilemma with a possible romance. Be very, very careful, and very clear. Have that discussion with him and have it several times. He may just be willing to move forward with you because he misses someone else, and the relationship may not be what either of you wants.
“I’ve dated in the dorm, and at the workplace, and it wasn’t only awkward afterward, in one event it was so upsetting I was looking out for him around every corner. If you address the issue over the course of many conversations, not only are you getting to know him better, but all sorts of unrevealed agendas will come up. Do not jump into this. Friends first (as you already seem to be) and strengthen that.”
Thryza, “I am still in the Philippines, this time I am in Manila, visiting my sister.
Our school reunion was a reunion for all times. As the culmination of the event, we chartered a yacht to cruise the sea of Cebu.
“Sadly, one of our batch mates who was on dialysis came to two events but died four days later. At a formal dinner, she was dressed to the nines. We complimented her for her indomitable spirit to attend our reunion.
“We all complimented her for the way she showed up, looking jovial. Little did we know that was the last time we would see her. It just goes to show that at our age, it’s important to say nice things to each other because it could be our last goodbye. She sat across from me, and although I didn’t know her well, I told her how great she looked. She smiled back. I won’t forget that smile for a long time.
“With regards to “Goochi,” I just thought you were making fun of the brand. Oh well, you took the spelling correction comments kindly.
“Weather here in Manila is a daily supply of rain. After being here seven years ago, Cebu, where our reunion was, took a turn for the better. I was impressed.
“Manila’s traffic is the worst but so many resort hotels have been built along the boulevard facing Manila Bay. One hotel is owned by a Japanese conglomerate. It rivals that of the Venetian. My nephew is interested in taking me to tour the new hotels. I would rather go to the hills and enjoy nature and the many restaurants that are more inspired by farm-to-table cuisine.”
Elenute, “What if she likes him but doesn’t feel she’d like to do more than cuddle? Do you think she should still pursue the connection with him?”
Tom’s response: “Yes, Betsy should pursue a discussion with him. Also, she gave no indication that she’d only want to cuddle. That was merely Elenute thinking out loud. If Betsy only wanted to cuddle, I’d say forget pursuing him because she’s already got the friendship aspect with him.”
Stephanie, “I think your advice to Betsy is spot on. On a personal note, my maternal grandmother, a widow, moved to a retirement community in her early 70s. She went to many activities there. One was the senior chorus of which she became a member.
“She met a nice man there, about 10 years older, and they moved in together. However, my mother told me the couple ‘had to get married’ (this was in the early 1970s) because there was so much gossip about them being ‘shacked up’ lol. My grandmother stayed happily married to the man till she died at age 84 (he survived her at 95). So good luck to Betsy!”
Carolyn, “This eNewsletter really packed a punch. I’m so happy that you spoke from your heart to Betsy.
“I loved the way you spelled “Goochi.”
“I hope that Betsy listens to your 100% spot-on advice. This gentleman sounds like the real deal, so she needs to hop on his bandwagon as soon as possible. Sounds like a beautiful relationship in the making!
Laurie Jo, “I hope that the woman who is hesitant at starting a relationship with the gentleman who was married for 55 years will take a leap of faith and ‘take a chance.”
“I don’t know if you like country music but there’s a Lady Antebellum song, “If I Knew Then,” with words “If I knew then, what I know now, I’d fall in love. Love only comes occasionally.’ I really identify with it.
“Go for it.”
My buddy,Jim, said, “In the recent newsletter, about the lady who wasn’t sure about going out with the neighbor because she wasn’t sure how she would feel if it didn’t work out, I felt you took that one on nicely.
“You made her realize that it’s a short life and what does she have to lose? By not going out with him, she could lose this guy and he’s close by, convenient and easy and he likes her (the lean-in and her interest was a cool way to show he liked her).”
Anonymous, “I recently had a similar situation with a friend who is about 12 years younger than me, and we have known each other for 10 years through a sports club that we both belong to.
“We have always had a strong friendship with a lot of physical attraction. However, we chose to go separate ways because of differing lifestyles. We will continue to be friends and want only the best for each other.
“I agree with your advice to Betsy and hope she will not miss this opportunity to have great love.”
Linda,” Betsy needs to think about this. if this guy is looking for someone to love and Betsy isn’t receptive, he will look for someone else. Men want intimacy and let’s face it a lot of women don’t. I think those women use that as an excuse to just be friends. She shouldn’t be concerned about what others think in her community unless she has a dance card with lots of names on it.”
Marjie, “I enjoyed reading your blog about ABBA as I was in Stockholm in March, and we visited the ABBA museum. Initially my boyfriend (I am dating my old college boyfriend again after 46 years apart and we are in a long-distance relationship (Washington and Southern CA) did not want to see the museum, lucky for me it was near the VASA museum!
“At first, he said he would sit outside while I went in, but when we got there, he changed his mind and enjoyed himself. It was much more extensive and interesting and just FUN than we expected and quickly became a highlight of our trip!
“As to your column today about the fear of dating, I agree with you. At this age, I think we just need to go for it. We know tomorrow is not guaranteed. She needs to talk it over with her friend. They both sound like nice people who can keep it civil and honest.”
Marcie seeks advice
Marcie, “Lots of good advice for Betsy from Tom. Betsy needs to follow her heart and decide. Be bold. Let him know how you feel and go at it with an open mind. If romance doesn’t work, the ‘nice friendship’ will survive. It would be wonderful to have friendship and romance, but we cannot have it all… can we?
“I have known my current man for 23 yrs. I was married when I met him. Now divorced for 17yrs, I am single and solo. But this man is a good person and secure financially and we have lots of common interests.
“Our romance did not last however our friendship is still going strong. We travel together, we go dancing, and we’re out and about doing our things. Lots of laughter and good times. He says to let him know when I start dating but he makes it so comfortable for me. Any advice?”
Tom: “So, it’s the romance that’s missing? I assume you don’t live together. What is it you want? When you travel together, do you sleep in the same bed, but just no action? I bet 95 percent of our men readers want romance to be a part of their senior relationship.
“It sounds like if you start dating, he will bail out. And if you start dating, you may not find a romantic partner and he may back off anyway, then you would be solo and alone.
“Marcie, your arrangement is like Betsy’s situation, but different. Tell us what you want with your relationship with him. And then follow your wishes.”
Betsy’s dilemma A woman Champ, 78, requested that her name not be used, so we’ll call her Betsy. And Betsy has a dilemma, which she explained.
“I have given up on dating, but I have friends I go out with every Thursday. One is an 80-year-old man who lost his wife three years ago after 55 years of marriage.
“He lives in my retirement community and is a nice man. He has shown an interest in me, but I won’t consider a relationship with him other than friendship because we live in the same community.
“If our relationship didn’t work out, it would be awkward seeing each other, and I fear we could possibly ruin a wonderful friendship. What do you think? I would like to have your feedback.
I responded to Betsy: “The age difference is only two years. So, that’s a positive.
“Another positive is you live near each other. There would be limited or no driving to be together. Perhaps, a short, likely safe, drive at night to go home. “Since he is a nice man who was married 55 years, he’d likely be a loyal and dedicated mate. He cares about you and is attracted to you. That’s a big positive. You likely would be good for each other.
“Have you discussed your concerns with him? Share them and see how he feels about it. If you can agree on what would happen if it doesn’t work out (it would be a kind of post-relationship agreement), and if you are both comfortable with it, take a chance. It seems at his age and your age, sharing life with someone could be magical.
“You might want to find out about how his home is decorated. Are his former wife’s pictures everywhere? Might that bother you? 55 years is a long time. Lots of memories.
“Greta and I were together 25 years and now, seven months after losing her, I have lots of her photos in my home. A woman who came here didn’t seem to mind, but of course, she doesn’t live here.
“The big answer: if you like him, communicate your concerns and either proceed from there or not. Take a chance. I’d give it a try.
Betsy’s response: “If he broaches the subject with me, I will discuss it with him. We were all out together last night at our usual sports bar for dinner and drinks. When I leaned in to say something to him, he said, ‘If you keep leaning in like that, I will have to kiss you. I have wanted to do that for a long time.’
“I was taken aback and said, ‘OMG really? You are embarrassing me!’ “I think I blushed. My lady friends who were in attendance said maybe it was the ‘drinks’ he had while we were talking.
“I don’t know…but we all agreed he is a very nice guy. We all watched him care for his wife in a wheelchair before she died. He was devoted to her and, is a genuinely nice person to everyone.”
Tom’s reply: “He sounds like me in this way: Perhaps the drinks made him bolder and more amorous, but he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. He is attracted to you. Are you attracted to him? Enough so that you are willing to have that ‘What happens if it doesn’t work out?’ conversation?
“You decide. What’s more important? Having someone in your life who warms your heart and is there for you, and who loves to hug, kiss and hold you.
“Or risking losing his friendship because it might not work out? And even if it doesn’t work out, you still might be friends.
“I totally get where he is coming from, especially since he was a caregiver for his wife. He wants to feel love again.
“In most potential senior relationships, there is fear in one way or another. Most of us have suffered losses. It’s hard to move forward. And we all have senior dating baggage.
“The main question: Are you attracted to him? He sounds like an ideal special man and is so close to your age. Plus, he lives nearby. Also, if you are attracted to him, don’t wait for him to bring the subject up. I suggest you tell him you’d like to talk and take that initiative. He has already indicated he cares about you.”
“Take a chance, Betsy. Which reminds me of a song. Abba’s ‘Take a Chance On Me.’ (See link to the song below).”
Isn’t senior dating fun?
A response to last week’s eNewsletter
Rhonda emailed: “I thought the list which you and your buddy Jim published last week was SPOT ON! I especially resonated with the friendship aspect and the simple words, ‘Friends first.’ And genuinely wanting to be together…love it. So incredibly important.
“I would add to your list strong communication and negotiation. We, humans, are not mind-readers, so sharing ideas and talking about the good, bad, and ugly is vital to a strong healthy relationship.
“Being vulnerable and open are key components to sharing your life with your mate. “Please don’t shoot me Tom, but the proper spelling is ‘Gucci’ for designer clothing and handbags. (you wrote Goochi).
Tom’s response to Rhonda. “Your mention of the Gucci spelling is a riot. I looked up the proper spelling but failed to change it in the text. What was I thinking? Another woman mentioned that as well.
“At least you can tell my closet is not filled with Gucci attire. For me, Levi is more appropriate for this hang-10 guy. So, if I meet a woman who wants a man dressed to the nines, I’m likely not her guy.
“Your suggested list addition is right on. Communication and negotiation between couples are both critical. And what often happens when people are communicating via text, instead of by phone or in person, is the words often get misconstrued. “And being vulnerable is important. When a person is vulnerable, he or she reveals their inner beauty.”
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter June 23, 2023 Two widowers share their thoughts By Columnist Tom Blake
A widower after 47 years of marriage and a Champ, Jim loves animals, which is why he owns 3 horses and a dog. He lives in Southern Orange County CA Champ Tom and Widower Jim after breakfast at R.J.’s restaurant near Dana Point Harbor on June 21, 2023, talked about their senior dating challenges.
Two widowers share their wants It’s been a while still since my widower buddy Jim, 74, and I got together to update our thoughts on what we’ve learned from senior dating since we both put our toes into the senior dating pond.
Jim and I have both had some contact with widows and divorcees over the last three months. At our breakfast meeting this past Wednesday.
Jim said, “The first five minutes of contact of a first date tells you the most important items right away. Looks, attractiveness, chemistry, sex appeal, personality, humor, and financial well-being.
“But you may find the person having all the right features only to find out that she doesn’t have the same feelings for you. So I find that I have to have a thick skin in this senior dating. I need to realize that there will be many rejections on their part as well as on my part until that right combination comes along, if ever.
“But rushing into a relationship without doing your homework and some really serious dating and research and conversations and asking the important questions you’re better off by yourself for a while so you don’t make some serious mistakes. (I haven’t dated for 48 years).
“Lists are important so we don’t waste precious time. We are at the last chapter in our lives and these decisions can be even more important than ever.”
Here’s what Jim and I generally agreed upon at this week’s breakfast.
Two widowers build a list
Know yourself first. Make your own written list based on the personality traits a new partner must have. Keep your list simple and short, limited to five or six must-have items. We don’t like long lists because the longer your list, the more potential mates you eliminate from consideration. And, at age 70+, it’s already hard enough to find someone compatible.
Here’s our simplified list of six must-have items.
Tom and Jim’s List of Six Must-Have Characteristics in a Mate
1 A person of impeccable character. Meaning, someone who listens to what you say and is willing to compromise and be flexible. A person who is friendly, respectful, honest, pleasant, kind, has a nice smile and doesn’t criticize or put others down. Observe how the person speaks about his mother and father, children, and even an ex-spouse. How does he or she treat a waitress? Then visualize how the person will treat you.
2 There must be a mutual connection. You must like each other. Friends first. You must want to be together and plan a second or even a third date. A sense of humor is important. Also, each having a love of animals is a tie that binds. Jim owns a dog and three horses. (That is Jim pictured above).
3 Personal hygiene. Does he or she take good care of themselves? Is the person healthy and fit? Do they dress nicely (Goochi not required), wearing clean clothes. If you are a health nut, and he is a couch potato, it isn’t going to work. We’ve observed that senior women strive to take care of their health and fitness more than men. Not always, but usually.
4Affectionate/romantic—If you relish being hugged, kissed, and having your hand held, your potential mate needs to want the same things and be romantic towards you. If there’s not that two-way chemistry/physical connection, there likely won’t be a relationship. It’s either there right off the bat, or not. Of course, you can always be “just friends,” and hopefully grow into the attraction, but neither Jim nor I are looking for that.
5Availability. The person must be available to spend time with you. I’m not saying 24/7. You may be retired, with lots of free time. However, if the person you meet is still working or whose calendar is always full, often at night, you might end up being alone more than you want. And what about weekends? Does he or she spend time babysitting the grandkids or going away with friends? If there’s little time to be in a relationship, a relationship probably won’t work. What often happens is single seniors purposely keep busy. Social interaction is important and healthy.
Jim and I have observed that particularly with women. However, to be available for a relationship, a person might need to tweak his or her social calendar. You wouldn’t want to miss a great relationship by being unavailable. This is one of the biggest issues in a senior relationship. It’s important to say that being together too much isn’t healthy either. No one wants to be smothered. And for us, no more marriage. Find a nice middle road with your partner and work it out.
6 Within a reasonable age difference. What’s an okay age difference? It could be five or ten years or even more. What’s important is you like and love each other, regardless of the age difference. Some people seem old at 50, others seem young at 80. It’s best to discuss the age difference with your potential partner right away, so it doesn’t cause a problem later.
Remember, a younger person can get sick also. Many older people assume that they will be the first to pass away. And then his or her younger mate passes first. It happened to these two gentlemen. These are our top six must-have characteristics.
Other items such as kids, religious and political differences, travel, and finances also need to be discussed. That’s where compromise comes in. Good luck meeting a new mate and working out the kinks.
On Life and Love after 50 