Category: Tom P Blake

On Life and Love after 50 reaches age 26

On Life and Love after 50 reaches age 26. Thanks to all the Champs for helping to make it happen – August 9, 2019

by Tom P Blake

Dateline – Dublin, Ireland

Greta and I arrived in Dublin, Ireland, yesterday. We are on a 30-day trip. The first third of our trip will be traveling by bus with a tour group visiting many areas and cities in Ireland.

Then, in 10 days, we fly to Amsterdam and board a Holland America cruise ship, the MS Rotterdam, for a 20-day trip to Scotland, Iceland and Greenland. I will fill you in as best I can on the trip details in future eNewsletters.

But, in today’s article, I wanted to say thank you to all my Champs. Because of you, my writing career has entered its 26th year; I will explain how you’ve helped.

When my first “Middle Aged and Dating Again” newspaper column, titled, “Home Alone with Only Dog for Company,” was published, July 7, 1994, I had no idea how long my writing gig would last. I was writing from a recently divorced man’s point of view on the difficultly of middle-aged dating.

Before being hired, my two editors at the Dana Point News, Dixie and Sherrie, required me to submit four ready-to-be-published columns, which they said would be “put in the can.”

Honestly, when they said that, I seriously thought the columns might be put in the toilet. The editors quickly reassured me that “put in the can” meant they would be the first four columns used—a month’s worth.

At that point, I didn’t know if my writing career would last more than a month. I wasn’t sure if my readers would run out of questions, comments or interest. A columnist who writes a “Dear Abby” type of column, as mine has kind of evolved into, cannot maintain momentum without input from readers.

Back then, which was before the Internet, newspaper readers responded by leaving voice messages on answering machines and writing letters.

As the Internet grew, newspaper readers responded less to printed articles. So, I started an online eNewsletter around 2003 called “Finding Love after 50,” which put me more directly in communication with my readers; it was easy for them to just hit reply on their computers.

After a while, to create an alternate source of income, I charged $15 per year for the newsletter.

But, about 10 years ago, I wanted to expand the scope of the eNewsletter to beyond just dating issues. I changed the name to “On Life and Love after 50” and decided to stop charging for it.

Because I felt a deep connection with my eNewsletter readers, I wanted to adopt a name for you. After all, many of you have been brave enough to share your thoughts, experiences, opinions, knowledge, stories and emotions with people, most of whom you’ve never met. You were more than just readers.

Your comments open the doors for me for column ideas. I appreciate your trust in me; you’ve taught me a great deal.

One day, as I listened to Jackson Browne singing, “The Load Out and Stay,” the name hit me. In that song, Browne pays tribute to the roadies who load and offload his equipment when he is on tour.

He sings, “…when it comes to moving me, you know you guys are the champs…” And, that’s where the name Champs came from. The link to that song is at the end of today’s eNewsletter.

I am blessed to still be writing for newspapers, again thanks to you Champs for providing me with the material. I write for three newspapers in Southern California and six in Pennsylvania and use what you’ve sent me for the papers as well.

In this era dominated by online social media, print newspaper columnists are a dying breed. Newspapers are closing their doors in droves.

In a quarter century of writing, I’ve inked approximately 4,000 newspaper columns and eNewsletters. So, my uncertainty in 1994 about lasting for more than a month as a writer, turned out to be silly, but, of course, I didn’t know it at the time.

And I certainly, back then, could not foresee that I would publish four books, and make appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.

Thanks, Champs, for helping make all of that possible.

I’ll try to give you an Ireland update next week. Now, where is that Guiness Stout factory. I hear their beer is pretty good.

The link to the classic 1978 performance of The Load Out And Stay (it’s 9 minutes and 24 seconds long) Remember to hit “Skip Ad”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scsJZ67ssDY
Reminder: The Meet and Greet show will go on this month at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point, Thursday, August 22, 5 to 7 p.m. Our lovely Champ, Maria, will oversee the event. Please lend her a hand.

Meet and Greets at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli – May 22 and June 27 2019

Estate planning for seniors – Get it done

      On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 26, 2019

Tom P Blake columnist

                             Estate Planning for seniors – Get it done

A couple of items inspired today’s eNewsletter. First item was an email from Champ Mark, whom, as you may recall, asked if Greta and I would try to locate the graves where his parents are buried in American Samoa, when Greta and I were on our 82-day trip last November (we found and sent pictures of the burial sites).

Mark suggested I write about estate planning. He said, “Maybe it’s because so many in my age group have been ill, injured, or died, in the past few years. It seems like the question, ‘Do you have a will?’ comes up a lot these days.

“To my surprise, the most frequent answer is ‘No.’ I then offer about 30 seconds of amateur knowledge about the benefits of having a will, trust, power of attorney and advanced medical directive.

“No doubt you are aware this is important among seniors, who ‘don’t want to burden their children,’ but do just that when they die without a plan. Not to mention when they become ill without an advanced medical directive.”

The second item that inspired today’s eNewsletter was a brief article in the July/August 2019 AARP Bulletin, titled, “Free Fallin’.” The subhead read: “Tom Petty’s Wife and Daughters battle Over His Estate.” (For those who don’t understand the title, Free Fallin’ was the name of one of Tom Petty’s better songs.)


Photo courtesy of AARP Bulletin

The article stated that Petty’s widow is in court battling with his daughters from a previous marriage over Petty’s estate. The article added, “Petty’s case should serve as a warning, says Eric Martin, an estate lawyer and author…

“He (Martin) lists three rules for those over 50. Have your affairs in order, no matter your health. Select an executor of your will, an agent with power of attorney and a trustee—and record the choices. And be certain to choose beneficiaries.”

My estate planning attorney is Jeffrey Hartman San Clemente, California. I asked Jeffrey if he would share estate planning words of wisdom for our Champs; Jeffrey wrote: “A qualified estate planning attorney can assist you with the following:

  1. Planning for a potential period of incapacity, and the need to have another person manage your finances and make health care decisions on your behalf.  A Financial Durable Power of Attorney and an Advance Health Care Directive are important documents that allow your designated Agent to act for you while you are incapacitated.
  2. Planning for the transfer of your assets to your intended beneficiaries at your death, and, avoiding the probate court process.  With a Will, you designate your beneficiaries who will receive distributions from your estate, and your Executor who manages the estate and makes the distributions.  However, if your estate is over $150,000, your Will has to be administered in probate court.
  3. With a Living Trust, you can also designate your beneficiaries who will receive distributions from your Trust, and your Trustee who manages the Trust and makes the distributions, but without the need for Probate (saving extra time, hassle and money).  A Living Trust also allows your Trustee to manage your assets in the Trust if you become incapacitated, without the need for a Conservatorship.
  4. Planning to minimize or eliminate estate taxes, income taxes and property taxes.

“The different approaches to estate planning have various legal and tax consequences which should be carefully analyzed by a qualified professional.”

If you would like to contact Jeffrey, he can be reached at 949 429-2578;  Jhartmann@cox.net. or his website:
https://attorneyjrh.com/

Ask him for a blank ESTATE PLANNING QUESTIONNAIRE; I’ll bet he’ll email you one.

On August 30, 2017, I wrote an eNewsletter titled, “The importance of estate planning for seniors—get your estate plan in order.” The article shared the stories of two of our women Champs, both of whom married 50th reunion high school friends. Both became widowed after short periods of time.

One’s husband had an estate plan that helped her financially.

The other woman married very quickly in California, before an estate plan had been completed. After her husband died, she didn’t think she was going to inherit anything. I mentioned her situation to Jeffrey Hartmann, who advised me to tell her that she was entitled, under California law, to some assets, even though she wasn’t included in her husband’s Estate or will.

Inspired by Jeffery’s comment, she pursued it. Her effort took two years, but she received a nice sum of money.

To read that August 30th eNewsletter:
https://www.findingloveafter50.com/single-post/2017/11/17/The-importance-of-estate-planning-for-seniors—-get-your-senior-estate-plan-in-order.

One other Estate planning item: If your legal ducks are in order, think of how much easier your executor’s or trustee’s jobs will be. Don’t put the burden to straighten things out on their shoulders, that’s selfish. Take care of it beforehand; that’s the best inheritance gift you can give. Often the executors and trustees are family members.

Bottom line: If you meet someone this weekend, and decide to elope to Las Vegas, get the Estate Plan taken care of on Monday or Tuesday, if you’re still married. I guess we all should be so lucky, eh?

Part 2 – In February of this year, I did an interview on a local Orange County TV Channel Show called Good Day Orange County. I didn’t realize they posted the interview on You Tube until this week. If you’d like to be bored for 13 minutes, here is the link to me dispensing advice to seniors. Tom Blake video Good Day Orange County link is below:

Tom Interview on Good Day Orange County

Matt and Cheryl – Successful senior internet long-distance relationship

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 21, 2019

by Tom P Blake

Matt and Cheryl – A successful senior internet long-distance relationship

                                      Setting the stage–October 2015:

Cheryl, 68, twice divorced from “two very unhappy marriages.” Lives in Ohio. Owns a horse and a home. Two kids, both married. Grandchildren in Ohio nearly grown. She’s lived within 30 minutes of them from the time they were born. All family members live in Ohio and she has many friends there as well. She’s also very involved in her church.

Using free online dating site OK Cupid. Answered 600+ questions on Cupid questionnaire.

Cheryl says, “I know many of your readers have expressed skepticism regarding the safety and efficacy of online dating. I did background checks on a few of the men I was interested in.”

Cheryl  considers herself to be a ‘word nerd’—she has a collection of inspiring quotes she tries to live by. Example she provided:

“May I have the courage today to live the life that I would love, to postpone my dream no longer, but do at last what I came here for, and waste my heart on fear no more.”  Author unknown.

Matt, 68 (three months younger than Cheryl), widower, one daughter living in her own home in same city as Matt, in the Upper Peninsula (U.P.) of Michigan. Using OK Cupid, Answered 400+ questions on OK Cupid questionnaire.

Getting to know a potential mate the correct way: a step-by-step process

Cheryl says, “When Matt and I were on OK Cupid in 2015, questionnaire answers were multiple choice, however, there was space to add comments to answers; Matt and I both did that on many questions.

“Answers were grouped by category, making it easy to check potential compatibility regarding issues such as religion, political views, etc., and there was a category that essentially identified ‘deal breakers,’ which was also very helpful in ‘weeding out’ potential partners.

“Hence, when we started communicating, we already knew quite a lot about each other.

“We progressed from on-site communication to email to phone calls to Skype-dating calls. Prior to giving him my email address, I Googled him and ran a basic background check.

“By the time we went on Skype, we had enjoyed nightly extended phone calls, often 2-3 hours! The Skype-dating calls were wonderful as you can see each other and enjoy facial reactions.

“In April 2016 (five months after initial contact), I flew to the U.P. to meet Matt in person, and, visit the U.P. for the first time. I stayed a week, at his apartment, which may have been somewhat ‘brazen’ of me, but even that short time living under the same roof increased our understanding of each other.

“In July 2016, Matt drove to my home in Ohio, stayed for two weeks, and met my family and friends. By then, we had fallen in love and decided we wanted to spend ‘the rest of the journey’ together, and I had decided to move to the U.P.

                                 Relocating for senior love to begin a new life

Cheryl continued, “I moved from Ohio to the U.P. of Michigan in Sept. 2016 to be with him (11 months after first contact). It was a big decision, as I wanted Matt to have the opportunity to live close to his daughter when she married and had children. We moved into Matt’s home.

“I like the U.P. and have made a new life for myself here, joining a church, working part-time at an elementary school, and am boarding my horse at a wonderful facility where we are starting a non-profit program called ‘Hoofprints of Hope.’

“The goal is to provide equine experiences for at-risk kids. Matt has been involved as well offering business-planning advice gleaned from his experiences as a city manager and economic development specialist, and he is planning to do some grant writing for the organization.

“Regarding the cold weather (Tom had asked me about this), until this past winter, our weather wasn’t much colder than in Ohio. This past winter was exceptionally cold, but I put blankets on my horse–he’s in the barn at night–and I just layered-up! I’m REALLY hoping this winter isn’t as cold!

“I’m a graduate of Ohio State University. Tom also asked if there was an Ohio State vs. Michigan rivalry, as there is in football. We aren’t into football so that’s a non-issue.

“Matt, unfortunately, has dealt with several health issues including cancer in the three years that we’ve been together, but fortunately he is now cancer-free.

“I am still encouraging people to try online dating utilizing precautions such as background checks. If you want to be in a loving relationship you must make an effort to find it! It won’t find you!”

                Keeping in touch with family and friends

Cheryl continued: “We return to Ohio to visit at least once a year, and my daughter and family visited us here in December 2017.

“Matt and I feel extraordinarily blessed to have found love with each other at our age–72 now! We know it would not have happened had we not taken a chance on the internet. We both feel the format of OK Cupid was instrumental in our finding each other.

“I learned much more about potential partners online than when meeting men in a social situation.

“I reported several obvious scammers during my online searches. Maybe Matt and I just got lucky, but before we met, I interacted/communicated online with several nice and genuine men.

“Hopefully, we can inspire others to search for and find love and happiness.

 “My sister and I had parents who were married for 60 years, so a new woman in our dad’s life (after Mom passed) was quite a surprise! However, she was a lovely person who made Dad’s last three years very happy, and we remained close to her until she passed.

“Dad said,  ‘Life is for the living,’ and his decision to seek happiness in his later years with a new partner was influential in my decision to do the same. In addition to finding happiness myself, I hope I have also set an example for my kids and grand kids of overcoming difficulties in life.”

Tom’s comment: Thanks to Cheryl, for so willingly sharing the “Matt and Cheryl” meeting. Six long-distance dating tips from this story:

  1. Finding love after 50, 60, 70 or even 80 can happen, but it takes work, time and likely some money
  2. Cheryl and Matt made the right moves: Putting themselves out there. Progressing to Skype-dating. Doing background checks. Meeting face-to-face within a year.
  3. A willingness to relocate by at least one person
  4. Acceptance of and dealing with complications as they arise—biggest one is usually health issues. Other issues could be money or children
  5. Being close in age can help, but, isn’t mandatory
  6. Having similar interests.

Reminder: The Senior Meet and Greet is this coming Thursday, June 27, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, CA 92629. 5 to 7 p.m. Beer and wine, $5 each. Complimentary appetizers. 949 412-9008. No need to RSVP


Tutor and Spunky’s – Dana Point California

Another online romance dating scam

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 7, 2019 – And the beat goes on

by Tom P Blake

                                      Another online romance dating scam

When I read, on June 3, about another online dating scam, the words, “The beat goes on,” entered my head. Of course, that’s the title of a popular 1967 Sonny and Cher song that Sonny wrote. It became a Billboard Top 10 hit.

None of the song’s lyrics popped into my head, just the title, because I keep hearing more and more about online dating scams.

As I stated last week, I never want our Champs to get scammed out of their hard-earned money or savings. So, I’m going to share the details of this scam story with you.

The source of the information: an online-only newspaper called the Laguna Niguel – Dana Point Patch that covers “Nearby News,” here in south Orange County, California.

The Patch headline: “Dating App Romeo Suspected Of Swindling Dates.” The story was written by Paige Austin.

Ms. Austin wrote, “A dating app Romeo suspected of seducing and swindling scores of women may have more victims across the region, according to detectives from the Los Angeles Police Department’s Commercial Crimes Division.

“Thirty-seven-year-old Wilson Edward Jackson, of Woodland Hills, was arrested last week on suspicion of multiple felonies, including identity theft, forgery, and grand theft. Now they are asking for additional victims to come forward. According to authorities, Jackson was a hit on online dating apps and social media, where he targeted single women.

“After meeting them, he went to work stealing from them — sometimes by stealing their identities, according to police. He sometimes used their money to lure in new victims, police allege.

“Victims that visited Jackson’s Woodland Hills apartment were victims of identity theft, as Jackson stole their credit card information and checks from their checkbooks while they slept or used the restroom, according to the Los Angeles PD.”

Wait! Hold the presses! Let’s look a little deeper into the above paragraph. Granted, it’s talking about the behavior of a 37-year-old man, so I assume the women victims were also in their 30s, and maybe 40s. But there is a lesson in here that our Champs, who are primarily in their 60s and 70s, can learn from, or at least, be reminded of.

Did I read, “…while they slept or used the restroom?” I hope our women Champs are savvy enough to never leave their purses unprotected–while using the restroom in a guy’s home or a in restaurant, or in a shopping cart (I see it at Costco all the time), or anywhere. That’s begging for trouble.

And it sounds like lots of women slept at this man’s apartment. That’s even crazier! Not just because their purses were in jeopardy, but, so was their health, and perhaps even their lives.

Lesson here for seniors as well. A few years back, the fastest growing (percentage-wise) age group for people contacting STDs was the age 55+ population. Before getting intimate with anyone, particularly someone you’ve just met, insist on both you and the other party get tested for STDs. Also, while you’re at it, have a background check done, find out as much about him or her as you can, and proceed cautiously. Trust your instincts.

The Patch article continued: “Jackson would use their stolen information to buy clothes for himself, pay personal bills, or make travel arrangements for other victims of his scam.

“According to police, Jackson would sometimes ask his dates for a loan, claiming he was having issues with his bank, or that his car was impounded with his wallet inside.

“He would promise to repay with cash, but instead would provide the victims with checks written on closed personal bank accounts, according to detectives. Authorities received reports from dozens of women, and they suspect more women may have been victimized.”

So yup, “the beat goes on.” You can find the link to the song at the end of today’s column.

Part 2 – Senior dating when there is an age difference – one man’s opinion

Champ Curt emailed, “In fairness to Vicki (the woman from last week’s eNewsletter who is dating a guy 10-years-younger), forget the age question. Does the other person (who is out of Vicki’s self-imposed age range) make you happy, put a smile on your face, or brighten your day?” More than likely!

“Or, would you rather date in your age range, even if someone cheats on you or mistreats you?”

I think we all know the answer to that question. Go for it, regardless of age.

Curt added: “A woman laid this comment on me two years ago: “I may not be too young for you–but you might be too old for me.”  Good point, and a dose of reality for we older folks who have illusions of grandeur.

Part 3 – Senior dating: On meeting new people. Forget the seventh-grade mentality

Champ Diane wrote, “My friends and I had a great evening at the Meet and Greet. Thanks so much to you, Greta, the Tutor and Spunky’s staff and the wonderful people who showed up. There will always be complainers in this world. Ones who expect to be noticed just because they showed up!

“How many women try to meet the men either by introducing themselves, or, by joining a conversation where a cute guy there is talking with a bunch of people?”

“We seem to have our seventh-grade mentality and wait for ‘that cute guy’ by the basketball court to come over. Women meeting other women is a good idea too. I think we are all past the point where we must wait. JUST DO IT!

“Plus, I have to say the men aren’t trying very hard either. I noticed it doesn’t seem to be their objective to meet someone.”

Tom’s comment: Diane is right. There were two single men who showed up together and sat at a table by themselves, with several attractive single women all around them. They made no effort to talk to women.

I smiled when I saw two of the women who told me they were originally from Europe take the initiative to talk to the two men. Soon, all four were seated together engrossed in conversation. Who knows what romance flowers might blossom from that little meeting?

Diane concluded: “I thought the evening was very successful and as always, look forward to seeing you next time.”

Next time, of course, is: Meet & Greet, Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, Dana Point, CA., Thursday, June 27, 5 to 7 p.m.

Link to Sonny and Cher singing The Beat Goes On. This is the studio recording. The trumpets and brass really make this song. By the way, the song was played at Sonny’s funeral. Also, “And the beat goes on” appears on his gravestone. He died in a tragic skiing accident. Terrible loss. He was a popular mayor of Palm Springs. To start video, tap on the white arrow.


Statue of Sonny Bono on Palm Canyon Drive in downtown Palm Springs

The Beat Goes On – Sonny and Cher

Senior seeks dating advice at Dana Point deli

Customer service: a senior seeks dating advice at Dana Point’s Tutor & Spunky’s deli

By columnist Tom Blake

When I owned Tutor & Spunky’s Deli on Coast Highway, in Dana Point, California, for 25 years, it became a meeting and gathering place for older singles. One reason that happened was the deli sponsored a “Meet and Greet for singles age 50+” one night each month.

I know of at least 20 couples who met at those events and it pleases me to know many of them remain together years later.

I sold the deli four years ago to Jim and Shelley Mouzakis, who have continued operating it as a popular, locals, place to eat.

Tutor and Spunky’s Deli has won the “People’s Choice Golden Lantern Award” for “Best Sandwich” in the Dana Point Times’ Best of Dana Point Magazine 10 years in a row, including 2019.

I believe one of the key reasons for winning the Golden Lantern award is that employees Teresa (30 years), Debbie (20 years) and Sandy (17 years) are still working there. They were among my favorite and most loyal employees.

Great employees Teresa and Debbie
Teresa and Debbie at Tutor and Spunky’s   Deli in Dana Point, California in 2004

Last week, I received a text from Debbie. She wrote: “A man by the name of Ray asked about the age 50+ singles group that you and Greta hosted here at the deli before you retired. He asked if any of the singles from that group still come here.

“He wanted your telephone number to find out information about other singles’ groups that meet in south Orange County. Here is his phone number,” (which Debbie provided).

I texted Debbie, “Thanks, Deb, you have always been so thoughtful and considerate of customers, always helping them. How old do you think Ray is?”

Always being the diplomat, Debbie responded, “He is older–guessing late 70s, maybe 80. He seemed very eager to find a new lady friend. He took his girlfriend of 13 years to a community center Valentine’s Day party, but something happened, she is no longer his girlfriend.

“He was looking for a place where older singles hang out and knew you could help him. He will be happy to hear from you.”

Thinking that Ray must be very sad, or, he can’t cope being alone–after all, it was just five days since Valentine’s Day—I phoned him and left a message that I’d be happy to talk to him. I feel bad when older couples lose a mate and one or both are desperate to immediately meet someone new.

I was prepared to tell Ray to take a deep breath, think about what happened, and not be so eager to rush out and replace his girlfriend. Also, that there is no place of which I’m aware in south Orange County–or anywhere for that matter–where older men go to hang out to meet older women close to their age. Places like that don’t exist.

Ray called me back on Friday, February 22, leaving this message:

“The reason I called you: I was a single. My woman-friend and I broke up after Valentine’s Day. I was looking for a place where older singles hang out and knew you could help me.

“But, she and I are attached again. That’s just how it is with women: one day it’s one way; the next day it’s another.

“We are happy now, but if it happens again, I will call you. Thank you.”

Some older men can’t handle being alone, not even for a few days. They rush into a new romance, and after a while, realize they weren’t prepared mentally for a new relationship. The result: they often end up breaking the new woman’s heart. Not good.

I didn’t find out what transpired in Ray’s case—why they broke up or why they got back together—he didn’t say.

I notified Debbie that Ray was already back with his girlfriend.

Debbie’s reply: “How funny. Oh well, we gave him the best customer service we could provide. I wish him success.”

Perhaps, in 2020, the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times, and The Capistrano Dispatch “Best Of” Magazines will add a new awards category: Best restaurant to dispense senior dating advice.

A  version of this article appeared March 1, 2019 in

DPTIMES_LOGO-copy1

and the February 28, 2019, San Clemente Times

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http://www.sanclementetimes.com/life-love-50-senior-seeks-dating-advice-dana-point-deli/                                                               San Clemente Times

A woman Champ deals with life after divorce

     On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter –  February 22, 2019

By Tom P Blake

How a woman Champ deals with life after divorce–loving her Florida life

This week I heard from Lisa, who has been an e-Newsletter Champ for 15-plus years.

Lisa emailed, “Just read your latest e-Newsletter–In Search of That Special Someone. I’m still happy, healthy, and single (after three divorces – despite my happy ending story in your How 50 Couples Found Love after 50.)”

Note from Tom: When I hear from any of the 58 couples who were included in that 2009 book, I ask them for an update on what has happened to their relationship. The reason: the information they provide could become the basis for a follow-up study that would reveal why certain relationships last and others don’t.

And for the relationships that didn’t last, I’d like to know what the people are doing with their lives, and how the loss of the relationship has affected them.

That being said, with the book published 10 years ago, I realize that some relationships ended because of the death of one or both of the partners. I don’t want to make the surviving partner feel bad, but I do care very much how they have coped. So, I asked Lisa, if she’d relate to Champs, what happened to end the marriage, and how’s she’s doing.

Lisa said, “I’m an open book. Here’s the story. Also, I am including at the end of my story a link to an ‘online dating’ article that Champs might find useful.

“I was divorced a year after your book was published. Sadly, he couldn’t keep a job, or, simply didn’t want to work. It placed a lot of pressure on me. I was stressed and miserable. Not to suggest that there weren’t good times early in the relationship!

“He was the one who filed for divorce though. I was served with divorce papers out of the blue one snowy January 9 evening in 2010. Divorced now since September 2010.

“We married in May, 2005, so it was a pretty short marriage. Reportedly, he married me because he loved me, although the divorce was never discussed. It was so odd. Terrible communication to say the least!

“He married again not long after, and not surprisingly, has been claiming ‘happily retired’ ever since. He is six years my junior. His new/3rd wife is 4-5 years older than I. He and I have not stayed in touch.

“I did 18 months of counseling to try to understand my three failed marriages, and, have remained single.

“I had a boyfriend for a couple of years, someone I met on Match.com while we were both in Michigan. He moved back to Alaska. We are still friends with fond memories, and likely no future.

“I focused on finishing up my career, took an early retirement, sold my Michigan home, and moved to Naples, Florida, to get out of the cold. Became certified as a yoga instructor (although enjoy the practice more that the teaching.)

“I am taking a break from the online dating game for now and just living my life, doing things I love, and being the fittest, healthiest best me that I can! Still get ‘a lot of turns at bat’ so to speak, and no complaints or regrets!

“Blessed to be able to be fitness-focused in my daily life, and, take an occasional trip. I also do volunteer work. Loving my Florida life!

“Here’s the link to a great article that mentions so many dating sites I’ve never heard of. It’s also filled with a few true confessions. Couldn’t help feeling it’s share-worthy with our Champs! (It also gives me an upgraded opinion of the Oprah Magazine! Apparently ‘Mature Dating is a regularly published topic there:”

https://www.oprahmag.com/life/relationships-love/a25776713/guide-to-online-dating/

I checked out the article—entertaining and informative.

                            Possible future e-Newsletter topic

In pondering Lisa’s story and her 18 months of counseling to try to understand her three failed marriages. It led me to think, when dating and meeting new people, do multiple marriages on either person’s part matter? Would that be a deal breaker? Red flag? Non-issue? I think that could make for an interesting future e-Newsletter. What do you Champs think? Opinions one way or the other?


Another marriage for Neptune. Should that matter to bride dressed in green?

Declutter and downsize. Better now than later

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – January 25, 2019

by Tom P Blake

Downsize and Declutter. Better now than later

Toward the end of last week’s newsletter, I included this paragraph:

“Greta and I are in a major downsizing and decluttering this New Year’s; I moved my unsold cases of books to a self-storage space. While grunting and groaning doing that, I said to myself, “I need to move out some of these books. I’m going to offer Champs a major price incentive on books.”

From that paragraph, this comment came from a woman Champ, who requested to remain anonymous: “Tom, please write about decluttering. A lot has been written about this already. For example, a short but sweet article in the NYTimes science section, on Tuesday, January 9, 2019.

“Suddenly I can’t get enough reading on this topic. I’m convinced I would feel better if I got a handle on my surroundings, instead of them being in charge. Like you, I have too many books. Due to recent travels, I also have more souvenirs with no way to display them all. And the incoming mail has piled up; with two people in the house and the other person not agreeing with me on where to put this ….. well, you have the picture.”

I got to thinking about what Anonymous said. In the last two weeks, a good part of my days have been spent helping Greta not only declutter her house, but empty it out entirely. Why? She has decided to put it up for rent and her realtor said almost all potential renters want to rent a place unfurnished. And that is what has happened.

Greta and I live together in my home, which is already adequately furnished, and less than 1/2 the size of her home. Translation: not much room to move stuff from her home to my home.

The realtor found a great tenant who required an unfurnished house. Initially, the tenant was going to move in February 1. That deadline made us crazy, less than a month to make it happen.

Greta had that home built 35 years ago and it’s in excess of 3,500 square feet. You can imagine the accumulation of furniture and things in drawers. And books, books, books. The task is overwhelming. And really heavy furniture, is on the second floor, so steep steps are involved.

And then, the new tenants, who are being transferred by the wife’s employer from New York State, said they needed to revise the move-in date to February 22. Halleluiah! That gave us three extra weeks.

                                Getting rid of clutter is a blessing in disguise

But, turns out, this downsizing, decluttering, call it what you like, has been a blessing in disguise. Yup, we grunt and groan and have weightlifter’s belts on, and it’s physical and mental work. But, our mantra is “Better now than later,” meaning, of course, we should do this now, so that her offspring won’t have to deal with it later.

A wonderful thing has happened. Her family has jumped in to help. Last weekend, three of her children, along with grandchildren, and great grandchildren arrived in three pickup trucks towing trailers and two SUVs. Greta was thrilled that her offspring wanted some of her furniture and belongings in their homes.

Soon, one dining room set was moved down a flight of steps and taken away. And then a couch. And then a bedroom set. And on and on. By the end of the week-end, we had cleaned out a lot of stuff.

Decluttering is a blessing in disguise
Declutter items in garage ready to be hauled away

We aren’t out of the woods yet. Everyday this week, we’ve spent hours packing boxes of books and going through cabinets. A dry wall guy came. Greta’s son Tony started painting in his spare time. A plumber installed a new toilet. A carpet repair man did his work. Charities have been scheduled to pick up stuff. And some documents, bearing social security and credit card numbers need to shredded.

Of course, my Dana Point home has taken on a new look. It looks like a cross between a furniture store and an art gallery. More pictures on the walls, kitchen cabinets filled and furniture that is squeezed in a bit. Greta keeps saying, “I like the way my stuff looks here.”

We did need to rent a couple of short-term (hopefully) self-storage units. We will tackle those in due time. Lots of people say that’s a waste of money. But, in our case, it was essential. We will be down to one unit by June.

But it’s all good. We keep repeating, “Better now than later. Don’t wait.”

So, Champs, decluttering and downsizing is something almost all of us will have to face. It’s never too early to start planning.

Champ Toni recently emailed, “Can’t wait for this next year. I’m planning on selling the home my late husband and I had planned to retire in. But I’m still working and don’t have time to keep up the acre and 1/2 property and pool. For me, moving into a newer home, closer to town and my office just makes sense.”

Last August, Champ Laurie Jo wrote, “Tell Champs to clear out clutter, even if some is important. Hire students to sort. Put in boxes.

“My Mother, 88, died more than a year ago. My brother and I are STILL dealing with her stuff. She never filed things, she did not cash checks (to the tune of $20,000). Vast hours of my life are sucked away as I plod through the morass of papers that she left in boxes, bowls and baskets with no rhyme or reason.

“Do yourself and your loved ones a favor…DO NOT BE SO SELFISH AS TO LEAVE THIS DETRITUS TO YOUR FAMILY TO SIFT THROUGH.”

Today’s Message: Declutter: “Better now than later. Don’t wait.”

Time to declutter and downsize. Better now than later
Donation items waiting for the truck to pick them up.

 

Senior Travel: 82-day cruise summary

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – December 21, 2018

by Tom P Blake

Senior Travel: 82-day cruise summary

Today’s eNewsletter is short. I want to wish you all Happy Holidays: Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.

This morning at 7 a.m., the Holland America Line ship ms Amsterdam docks in San Pedro, the port of Los Angeles. After 82 days cruising through Asia and the Pacific, it’s time to disembark and go home.

My partner Greta and I feel blessed to have been able to take this trip and are grateful to be home safely.

Thanks for your comments regarding the trip. If you’d like to read and see more photos than what have been posted here in the newsletters, I’ve written about every port we’ve been to on www.Travelafter55.com.

Our last two ports were Honolulu, Hawaii, and Lahaina Maui. Below is a short recap of our visit there.

Going forward, the newsletter will once again address dating and relationship issues for people 50-90. Please email me your comments, questions and observations.

Part 2 – Honolulu and Lahaina December 14 – 15 2018

Hawaii was the final stop of the cruise. On day one there, the ship docked at a pier near the Aloha Tower in the port of Honolulu. About 100 yards from the ship, there was a bus stop for local buses.


 Aloha Tower in distance at Honolulu port

For $2, a passenger can purchase an all-day pass, which is what Greta and I did.

Our first destination was the Ala Moana Shopping Center, which must be the largest shopping mall in the world. Shopping at a mall was not how we wanted to spend our day in Honolulu, but I felt I could find a replacement wrist band for my Fitbit, which had become detached a month prior from the Fitbit itself.

We tried the Target Store first, and then Macy’s. Both stores sell Fitbits, but replacement bands are too small of a purchase for them to carry in-store; they told us to order them online. That was it for shopping in Honolulu.

We boarded another bus and headed for Waikiki Beach. Our destination was to have lunch on the beach at Duke’s Honolulu restaurant located in the Outrigger Hotel. At 11:30 a.m., the restaurant was packed.


 Duke’s Honolulu sign when entering the restaurant from the beach

After lunch there, we strolled around Waikiki, enjoying the perfect weather. We saw the statue of Duke Kahanamoku, considered to be the father of surfing. Duke passed away in 1968.


Waikiki – statue of Duke Kahanamoku, father of surfing


Waikiki from Duke’s Honolulu restaurant


Hawaii on a beautiful day

A while later, we boarded another bus and enjoyed sightseeing in the downtown area. We saw a lot of Honolulu, while riding around with the locals. It was a perfect way for us to spend our day in Honolulu. We saw some sites we had not seen before on previous visits to Hawaii. By day’s end, the Fitbit—not on my wrist but in my pocket—registered 15,000 steps.

Day 2 in Hawaii – Lahaina, Maui

When visiting Lahaina, cruise ships must anchor a mile or so out in the ocean. Tender boats take passengers from the ship and back to the ship. Seas were pretty choppy that day, and our tender boat was delayed out in the water for at least a half hour, tossing and turning. Finally, we disembarked in the center of the quaint and beautiful city of Lahaina.

The first stop ashore: the Maui Tourist Office, which is just across the street from the Pioneer Inn and adjacent to the largest Banyan tree in the world. The tree was planted in 1873. The Tourist office welcomes visitors with a fresh bowl on yummy Hawaiian pineapple.


Pineapple at the Tourist Information Office


Largest Banyan tree in the world on the town square in Laihaina Maui

Greta and I opted to take a local bus, #28, from the Lahaina Cinema Complex, which serves as the bus station, to Napili Shores, where we had stayed years before with Ted and Mary Kay Bowersox who live in San Juan Capistrano. The cost: $4 per person for the entire day.

Our destination? Of course! Another restaurant with which we were familiar. The Gazebo restaurant, located on a bluff overlooking the ocean. It’s a classic in Napili Bay. Fortunately, for us, we arrived there at 1:40 p.m., 20 minutes before they stopped serving (it’s more of a breakfast hangout but does serve some lunch items). Our food server told us she had seen the ship pass by at 7 a.m. in the morning a mile or so off shore.


Gazebo Restaurant in Napili Shores in Maui

A while later, we enjoyed the hour-long bus ride back along the coast, and returned to the pier in Lahaina. The seas were bumpy and the ride back to the ship was a rocking and rolling one.

When Greta was stepping off the tender unto the ship’s platform, the tender crashed hard against the platform and then moved away from the platform. The gap was too wide to step across. I heard other passengers watching her gasp and shout. However, the ship’s crew members had a good hold on her, thank heavens, and she crossed over to the platform safely. For me, seeing that happen to her, was the scariest moment of our 82-day trip, and gratefully, she was OK.

Our short visit to Hawaii was blessed with beautiful sunshine. Local buses are the way to travel around the islands of Oahu and Maui.

And now, after five sea days of crossing the Pacific from Hawaii, we are back in Southern California. Hurrah!

Here is Greta with some of the luggage waiting for our Lyft driver to take us home to Dana Point from the San Pedro, the port of Los Angeles:

Greta at San Pedro after getting off the ship
Greta is happy to be home after 82 days of cruising

Dating when a spouse has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – November 23, 2018

by Tom P Blake

Dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s Disease

Larry, 76, Toronto, emailed, “Re last week’s eNewsletter about dating a deceased friend’s spouse, I’m in a similar  situation. My wife has advanced Alzheimer’s disease, and no longer knows me. She’s been in a nursing home the past few years, and so I’m living a single life.

I’ve reached a point, where I’m ready for a new relationship. I’m really missing female companionship, in all its forms, and need that to change. I’ve started reaching out (with the full blessings/support of family, friends, and professionals), and have dated several women, all of whom are aware of and ok with my situation.

By the same token, I’ve also been rejected by several other women who are uncomfortable with the situation. So, as the article concludes – there is no right or wrong answer. Each individual caregiver needs to do what feels right to him/her.

Tom’s response: On the Finding Love After 50 Website, there are three articles I previously published on this topic under the article categories. It’s the first category listed. Here is the link to those articles:

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/alzheimer-s-dating-when-a-spouse-is

Larry: “Great! I’m off to visit my wife in the nursing home, and will check the articles later this afternoon.”

And then later, Larry wrote: “I just finished reading the three articles, and what struck me immediately, is that I can relate to most of the content in all of them!

“To give you some context, my wife and I have been together for 29 years, and until she went into long term care more than two years ago, we had never spent one night apart. As a matter of fact, we were rarely apart at all, as we worked together. What was our work you might ask? We were relationship counselors, helping couples deal with relationship issues. So, believe me, I can fully understand the issues facing the people in these situations.

“The bottom line for me (and I know my wife would agree), is that one must be true to self, and do or not do what he/she believes to be right. Although input from friends, family, professionals, clergy, etc., may be welcomed, and of some use, ultimately, the decision rests with the individual(s)/couple.

“In my case, I do have the full support of family, friends, and professionals, to reach out/date/socialize, etc., and if I do find another ‘special one,’ then, a committed romantic relationship would be welcome. That new relationship would not preclude my love for my wife, nor impinge on my visiting her regularly.

“If Champs want to contact me, my email is anoldnorthender@gmail.com.”

Comments from Champs (readers) to this article on November 30, 2018

Last week’s topic, dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s, was/is a controversial topic.

I am aware of that. A small number of Champs responded in horror that someone would venture out despite a spouse being in advanced stages of Alzheimer’s. They are sticking by their wedding vows forever. End of story. Regardless of what happens.

One person who feels that way was critical of others who feel differently.

Others, particularly, those who have experienced a similar situation, or are currently experiencing it now, take a much more understanding and empathetic point of view.

My thoughts: This is a topic that couples (not just married couples, but, any committed couple) might want to discuss “what if?” while they are both lucid, clear thinking, and far before the issue presents itself. What each couple decides is right for them is exactly that: right for them.