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| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 1, 2024 By Columnist Tom Blake Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)? By Columnist Tom Blake |
In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Kathy met a man while volunteering at her church office. At a church supper, twice she sat next to ‘John,’ who is 80. She’s 76. Both are widowed. He was smitten with her and told her he liked her. They started dating. Kathy said John has some health issues and wants to leave his estate to her and he feels marriage might make it easier to do that. And he wants to take a road trip West together. The marriage question is what triggered responses. I have selected nine of the responses, all from women. Before we proceed to those nine responses, I didn’t want men left out. So, Part 2 at the end is a short fun anecdote that Champ Mark sent in. Part 1 – Nine responses from women Terry emailed, “Tom, this is great — Kathy and John can be more than friends and I would encourage it. But if they marry, the cost of his medical treatment could become her responsibility. “If he wants to leave her something he can do that and it is a wonderful gesture, but what if his money problems become a financial burden for her? “She should have a great time, but there is no point in getting married. It’s one thing if you have been married many years and created a life together. At the end of life, it’s another ballgame.” Joanie, “If she marries him, her assets become his as well especially if he outlives her. Things are better off staying as they are – she has a nice friend, no marital obligations and no financial worries about her own assets or her kids’ inheritances. And she has a nice companion. she can still take the trip out West. Friends travel together all the time.” Sally, “I first met you in 1996, 30 years ago. I am still enjoying the single life and it’s ok to be alone without a companion underfoot. Most of my friends feel this way and don’t want to be someone’s ‘nurse or purse.’ “Bone cancer is a terrible cancer. My husband died of that in four months after agonizing treatment and pain, including going into a coma from chemo. “Why should Kathy set herself up for a third heartbreak? If she marries John, she can be liable for all his bills left behind. I lived through that one too. “It makes no sense that he would leave everything to her and not his family. She is in for a legal battle for sure if he has kids. Before agreeing to a legal commitment, she should review his will and trust with an attorney before getting married. “Also, John has diabetes. Again, oh my, if he isn’t responsible for good eating habits why take that on too? “I say slow down and just have fun together as companions without the caregiver’s responsibility. Also find girlfriends to hang out with. It’s much less complicated.” Tom’s response to Sally’s comment about John’s diabetes. A person can have Type 2 diabetes even when they have good eating habits. It’s not his fault that he has Type 2 or Type 1. Eating properly is an important part of the battle. Taking doctor-prescribed medications also can be necessary. Norma, “You covered a lot in your article for people to think about. “I had been to my doctor’s office for my yearly wellness check in June and my doctor said all my numbers were good and I was doing well for my age. He added, ‘Just don’t fall.’ “Two weeks later, I knew something was not right with my health. I did not have the classic symptoms of a heart attack and drove myself to Redlands Hospital. “They had to transfer me to Desert Regional Hospital in Palm Springs because there were no hospitals in the area that had a bed available to treat my condition and that led to open heart surgery. The Dr. In Palm Springs, a great surgeon called me a miracle and told me to go home and enjoy my life. My point being is like you told Kathy: Take the trip West.” Linda, “Kathy is not in love with John. She won’t marry him, but she’ll accept his assets. Isn’t that interesting!” Stephanie from the Midwest, “Tom, I think your advice to Kathy is spot on! First, you’re right that she got out of the house to do an activity, a biggie for meeting someone for dating. “Second, they met at church where the only seat available twice was next to John, was God trying to tell her something? They follow the same religion, which is a big plus. “Third, John is right in that if they were married there would be less chance of anyone being able to challenge his will–who knows if a child or even distant cousin could say Kathy exerted undue influence on their relative in getting him to leave her his assets…this wouldn’t be a consideration if they were married and her name was on everything as a joint owner. “Story: My ex-husband was married for nine years to a woman six years younger. They were living in her house but because he was paying for many expenses out of his income (such as utilities and repairs) he insisted that she should put him on the house ownership papers as a joint tenant. (He also owned another home which he had rented out.) She did so. “She also had two adult sons at the time, and they were on very good terms with the new husband. At age 58 after nine years of marriage, the wife had a stroke and died a month later! My ex got her house as he was the joint tenant (this is in California, LA County), which was okay with the sons as she had a life insurance policy that provided for them. The point is: Kathy, get your name on John’s house papers!” Lisa, “I hope that you will not consider me to be a cynic, but as far as marriage is concerned, Kathy might be left with financial obligations when John passes, perhaps medical bills incurred at the last stages of his life. When someone’s estate is settled, debts come before the beneficiary gets the proceeds. “ I became cognizant of this type of situation during my last brief, but disastrous marriage. My new husband and I had bought a small ranch about 50 miles from downtown Los Angeles, where we both worked. “I started doing freelance work from home and taking care of the horses. He would take my completed work into the city, so I didn’t have to make frequent trips. However, he would often stay late in LA frequently, drinking with friends, and getting home still appearing to be over the limit as far as alcohol was concerned. “I came to realize that if he killed or maimed someone while driving DUI, I could be financially responsible for the results. There were other considerations, and I left the marriage as soon as I could make the logistics work for me. “In my opinion, marriage is more important if people are having children or buying real estate together, and for those whose religion is sufficiently important to them where it is necessary to keep from ‘living in sin.’ “Of course, John could have enough assets that would cover any kind of situation that I mentioned above. “I don’t think that it’s a good idea for Kathy and John to chance it. Furthermore, marriage might spoil the lovely relationship they presently have. I agree with you about the trip West; they should enjoy the time they have together, albeit without complicating the situation.” Deanne, “Kathy, what are you waiting for? Are you missing something, or did you leave out his criminal record? “John sounds wonderful, loving and kind. He is looking out for you too. You have so much in common. “If we all lived in fear, the world would not exist. Our hearts are fragile, but I believe we need to understand how important it is to fill our hearts. “I believe I died when my husband died. I believe my heart longs for a fill up and I also want to give all of me to someone who cares for me and may need me. “I’ve been a widow (after the most wonderful 33 years) for almost 10 years now – 8/6/2014. I can’t believe it’s been this long living alone. My heart is bursting at the seams with the love I want to give to someone else. “Our lives are all giant leaps of faith. You need to jump again. Today is it, don’t waste any of the precious time you could be living with John. “I know over 100 women looking for their ‘John.’ “Good luck, free fall into his life now. Don’t wait.” Jane, “I am a skeptic and have two girlfriends who have lost a lot of money to scammers. One never met the man but gave him money. “The other (a senior) had dated a man for a year. He went to church with her every Sunday. He had a house that she would go to. Everyone was on board and excited that these two wonderful people had found each other. “She was wealthy and after a year she sent him an extremely large amount of money. He disappeared never to be seen again. In Kathy’s situation, John told her he has bone cancer. Has she been to a doctor’s appointment with him? If they married, would her assets immediately become his assets? “I would not marry someone to make it easier for paperwork. I wish Kathy the best. There is a chance that he is completely on the up and up. But there is also a chance that he is not. I wouldn’t take the risk.” Part 2 – Keeping Senior Dating Simple Champ Mark emailed, “A single friend in Newport Beach has been in the dating game for several years. He has developed a list of criteria he calls ‘5S’ that he uses when evaluating potential partners.” Single Sane Straight Sober Solvent I responded to Mark. “Here could be three more: Sumptuous Stunning Startling “If only senior dating were so SIMPLE.” |
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