On Life and Love after 50 – Page 8 – On Life and Love after 50

A mortgage refinance made sense for me

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 21, 2020

by columnist Tom Blake

A mortgage refinance made sense for me and other stories

Last Friday morning, I received an email from a long-time friend who used to be a yacht captain on boats in Dana Point Harbor. He had read the eNewsletter about the homecoming king and queen and wrote to touch base. “Take care. Hope you are well,” Champ Captain Richard Carnesale signed off.

About six hours later, I’m sitting in a rather large waiting room of a large doctor’s office in nearby Laguna Hills, with Greta, who was having an eye examination. It was like mask-city; every person was wearing one. I saw a man emerge from one of the consultation-rooms and walk toward the front desk. I said to Greta, “That man looks like Captain Richard.” I didn’t know for sure because of the mask.

Then the lady at the front desk called his name. He walked there. I moved to within 10 feet of him and said, “Thanks for the email this morning.”

We had a nice chuckle about the coincidence and talked for a few minutes after he checked out.

Ten years ago, Captain Richard and I worked together on a story about a yacht-Ponzi scheme that happened in Dana Point Harbor. Captain Richard had worked with the man for 27 years who swindled several investors. Here is a picture of Captain Richard from an article I wrote in The Dana Point Times on July 13, 2012, about the case.

Captain Richard Carnesale with photo of the man who swindled investors

I also wrote an ebook titled “Dana Point Yacht Ponzi.” You can order it on http://www.Smashwords.com for .99 cents by using the promo code BM58K

From Seattle – A Star Spangled Night

Champ Ellen, Seattle, emailed: “In case you don’t remember me, I’m the lady who sang the National Anthem at the Anaheim Angels baseball game, oh so many years ago, that you did a lovely column about.”

Tom’s response to Ellen: “Of course, I remember. I was seated behind home plate near you. An Angels’ employee came and escorted you to the pitcher’s mound. I noticed your name on the scoreboard monitor. You did a great rendition of the National Anthem.

“When you returned to your seat, I introduced myself. I think we might have had one coffee date. That column was titled, “A Star Spangled Night,” and was published on August 30, 1995, almost 25 years ago to the day. It was the 61^st column I had written (now over 4,000).

Ellen added, “I read in your 8/14/20 eNewsletter that you met Diane Sawyer. I’m envious. I have a picture of her in my scrapbook from when she crowned Linda Felber, America’s Junior Miss in 1964. Linda was from a little town 20 miles away from where I grew up.

“I also have a picture with Johnny Cash. He sang at a Luther League Convention when I was in college. I was charged with keeping him comfortable. He was very quiet. A friend was the President of the National Luther League group, which is how I got the ‘job.’

“Earlier, in 1967, I sang for that convention in the Dallas Convention Center. I thought it would be my biggest audience ever: 17,000 young people. But, the 35,000 fans at the baseball game topped that.

“Paul and I have been together for nine years. Our initial meeting was thru business, thru a networking group. Then some years later, someone else that was a referral from that same networking group, also knew him and set us up to meet at a political breakfast.

“I remembered him; he didn’t remember me. He was in a relationship when we first met.

After breakfast, we planned to have coffee, but in the end, we got together to see a house jazz concert and the rest is history.

“We are happy to be in Seattle with a little cooler weather. I’m still ‘working.’ Became an insurance agent specializing in Medicare. I keep trying to retire, but it’s hard when you can help people understand this very confusing plan. Fortunately, it’s seasonal.”

More small-world stuff – a common bond in Grand Haven Michigan

On Sunday, August 9, I received an email from a Champ named Larry who travels between a summer home in Michigan, a home in Florida, and the home of his daughters and granddaughters in Laguna Niguel, California. He has been a widower for a year after 45 years of marriage.

He became a subscriber to this eNewsletter (a Champ) by searching online for senior dating in Orange County. He found my FindingLoveAfter50.com website and signed up.

In exchanging emails, we discovered that Larry, and my Uncle, George Pardee, were great friends while Larry was the City Manager of Grand Haven, Michigan. That was like 40 years ago.

Larry was in Laguna Niguel this week so we got together for lunch at Tutor and Spunky’s, my former deli, in Dana Point. Larry will be back in Southern California in October, November, and December.

Tom and Champ Larry near Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point

My friendship with another remarkable Champ – Les Jones, a World War II vet led to a mortgage refinance for me that made sense

Les Jones has been a Champ and a personal friend for more than three years. He’s also a widower. He’s 94 and lives in San Juan Capistrano. A couple of months ago, we were talking about real estate. I told Les I’d like to refinance my mortgage but three lenders I contacted felt I wouldn’t qualify.

Les said, “You should contact my friend Vanessa Schwartz. I’m working with her on financing some real estate and she does incredible work, especially with veterans.

I called Vanessa. She said, “We can make this refinance happen.” My interest rate was 4.25% at that time.

On Wednesday this week, Vanessa, Les, and I got together for lunch in San Juan Capistrano to celebrate my refinance. My loan went to 2.88%. A vast improvement over the first loan I ever had in Orange County in 1987 at 13%.

As a World War II vet, Les is good friends with Gary Sinese—actor, director, musician, and producer–who sponsors the Sinese Foundation, which benefits veterans.

Vanessa said, “I was so inspired and enlightened by Les’s stories and how so many that had served allow us to enjoy the freedoms that we have today. It gave me such a higher level of appreciation and gratitude. It made me want to help and this seemed like the perfect way to help those men and women and their families.

“I know the Sinise Foundation is near and dear to Les, not to mention that every dollar goes to those in need (none kept for management). I’m doing this, not to pay back, but to give recognition and appreciation. It really feels good to do this and I hope to write a lot more checks.”

Vanessa can be reached at http://www.whyvanessa.com or email vschwartz@arborfg.com.

Because of our Champ Les, and because I am a veteran, and because Les introduced me to Vanessa, she donated $1,000 to the Sinese Foundation. Here’s the three of us after lunch.

Les Jones, WW II vet, Vanessa Schwartz, and Tom Blake on August 19, 2020

It was a busy and rewarding week. Knowing so many of you incredible Champs is an inspiration to me. Stay safe.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/tomblakebookstore

The Canadian pronghorn antelope

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 7, 2020

by columnist Tom P Blake

The Canadian pronghorn antelope

An exasperated male Champ has raised his arms in frustration. Martin emailed this week: “What is the answer to all this lack of love between the sexes? I am 76, a healthy male. I find women around my age so independent these days they are more interested in their dogs or pets than a good loving intimate relationship.

“I have found most dating sites a waste of time with most women just playing a game and not at all serious about finding a good man.

“Have all women lost their hormones? Trying to make love more than once a week is almost impossible in a lot of relationships–mine included. A big problem is a difference in libido! Don’t women realize how healthy sex is for the human body? What happened to Senior sex?

“I compare this dating game to my hobby of keeping chickens. When I let them out of the barn in the morning, my rooster tries to chase and mount some of his harem but with great difficulty.

“The hens don’t want him but he catches them. Are the hens playing a game also? It’s a wonder I ever get any fertile eggs being laid. Two hens seem to like him and roost next to him on the perch at night.”

The email was signed: “Yours, a frustrated human rooster, Martin.”

Nearly at a loss for words, I wrote to Martin: “Dear Frustrated Human Rooster. May I print what you wrote?”

Martin said, “Yes. I am a Canadian living in Marmora, Ontario. I was in a love affair for over 10 years. The relationship kept getting worse.

“We were opposites, but initially the sex was good. I felt she had some hang-ups; she worked less and less at keeping the relationship together.

“Now with COVID-19 she has said, ‘That’s it,’ ‘goodbye,’ and bought a $2000 dog for company.”

I answered: “Your words, a $2,000 dog for company remind me of my first-ever newspaper column, written July 7, 1994, titled, “Home Alone with only dogs for company.” That column was written six months after my wife, without warning, cleaned out the house on Christmas Eve 1993 and moved out of my life. I was away visiting my 83-year-old mom in Northern California.

“The gist of that column wasn’t about wondering if women had lost their interest in sex, rather, it was whether they had lost their interest in dating altogether. I couldn’t get anybody to go out with me.

“Similar to what your girlfriend said to you, “That’s it,” my wife also had done the same.

“I didn’t have to buy a $2,000 dog, I already had two dogs at home. Besides thoughtfully leaving them for me, my wife left four other items: a TV, bed, couch and a cassette player. That’s it: six items.

“I think the answer for you might be: “She’s just not that into you,” a take-off from the popular, ‘He’s just not that into you,’ book from the 2004-2005 era.

“In the 1970s, when I was single and working for the Victoria Station restaurant chain, one of the founders, Bob Freeman, liked to jerk my chain. He called me “a pronghorn antelope,” describing his perception of my dating modus operandi (pronghorns, by the way, aren’t antelopes; they are classified as mammals. They are the fastest land animal in North America, 60 miles per hour).

Pronghorn antelopes (photo courtesy San Diego Zoo)

Bottom line: 42-years later, undoubtedly, some men are still pronghorn antelopes. But Marty, since, you are north of the border, we’ll call you “The Canadian pronghorn antelope.”

“Cool your jets. Take a deep breath. Tend to your chickens. Becoming single later in life is a bear. Although you may not see it at the current time, someone more compatible with you could enter your life, when you least expect it.

“Who knows? Maybe one of our woman Champs, who lives near Ontario, will ask to correspond with you.“If that happens, put your libido in the Canadian deep freeze, at least until the spring thaw.” Senior sex can wait.

Senior men on finding and losing love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – June 5, 2020

Columnist Tom Blake

Today’s eNewsletter has three parts. Parts one and two feature senior men on finding and losing love. In part one, a senior man blames himself for losing past relationships, but has a great partner now. In 26 years of writing dating after 50 columns, I can’t recall a man ever fully admitting he was the problem for relationships not working.

In Part 2—a very brief section, a man Champ gives sage advice.

In Part 3 – Tom’s new ebook: “84 Days Through Europe in a VW Bus. Summer 1960.”

Part One – Senior men on finding and losing love

Champ Joel steps up to the plate and admits that his difficulty in staying in relationships was his fault. And what he did to fix the problem. His words are educational, from which many of us can learn.

Joel shared: “I was 12 years a slave to Match.com, POF and all the others. Sometimes I would meet five women a week in my desperate search for a loving partner. In that time, I met four women that I could have loved, should have loved and would have loved–if only I had known then what I know now.

“I met the fourth woman online; we fell in love and I moved from Tallahassee Fl to San Francisco to live with her. I lived in blissful happiness for two years until she dumped me, with no warning that I saw.

“I moved back to Florida and, over a two-year period–including significant therapy–I progressed from a complete emotional and physical disintegration to my rebirth as a better, healthier man.

Senior love – the problem was me

“I realized there was nothing wrong with any of those four women and in fact, they would have made wonderful life partners. The problem was me.

“I had been inattentive, unempathetic, arrogant, and a lousy listener. In short, what women often call a jerk.

“After a deep self-assessment and adjustment, I met a woman, fell in love, and, after cohabiting for five years, we got married. I believe that many times people searching for love without success think the problem is the people they meet.

“If you’ve been meeting prospective mates for two years and haven’t found one, it may be the problem is you. That was the case with me.”

“My advice is to look in the mirror for the solution. It may be that you need to radically change or accept the fact that you would rather be single, than change, adapt and, accept.

“By accepting, I mean there are some traits that come with gender. Men and women have some built-in behaviors, like communication styles, that are omnipresent. If you want a partner, you have to accept those traits and adapt to them, even though doing that may drive you crazy.

“Likewise, each person has irritating, annoying, even disgusting traits that come with them. They likely won’t change. It’s foolish to think you can change a person.

“If you are going to find love late in life, you may need to change. You must accept a person with flaws. Or you may decide to live single, not a bad choice and one with some advantages.

“My choice was to find a loving partner and that happened when I changed. I am a happily married man now.

Wendy and Joel

Joel added, “Sure proves there is hope for everyone. Best wishes in your search!”

I asked Joel how he and Wendy met. That was unique as well.

Joel emailed, “When I was out and about, and single, my social crutch at a social event or party was my camera. I found it easy to approach people and ask to take their photograph. When they asked why I would say—truthfully–I will send them to you and the hostess of the party. Which I did back in the day of paper photographs, then, later as jpegs.

“In 2012, I had moved back from The Bay Area to Florida. I was with a date at a party and taking pictures and had a chat with an interesting and attractive woman, took her picture, moved on, and later sent the picture files to the hostess…and forgot about it.

“Three months later, the hostess and I were having lunch and I told her about yet another failure with a woman I had dated. She said, ‘You should call Wendy!’

“I did and the rest is history. It’s working because I learned to accept, adapt, and pay attention to her needs, even when I don’t understand. What’s that old saying about ‘a happy wife means a happy life’ or some such thing?

Part 2 – Include A-B-C when profile building

Art, “One thing that I have in my profile is something I learned years ago in sales, A-B-C, always be closing. This means to include what you want the person to do next. For example, ‘If you enjoyed reading my profile, send me a message, and let’s get to know each other.’

“It sounds like such an obvious ending, but most people do not know how to end their profile.” Include A-B-C when profile building.

Part 3 – Last week, I made a mistake in the eNewsletter. Here’s how:

I mentioned an ebook I had just published titled “84 Days Through Europe in a VW Bus. Summer 1960.” The book is about five guys, who traveled in and lived in a VW bus in the summer of 1960. The final 16 days were at the Rome Olympics. I was one of the five. There are some travel photos.

I had offered to Champs to download it for $0.99 (cents). But the link I included was a broken link. I made a mistake. So, I’m making that offer once again with these instructions.

The book is on www.Smashwords.com, which happens to be the largest ebook bookstore and ebook distributor in the world. When you click on the link the first time, Smashwords will prompt you to create a personal account. It’s easy, just enter your email address and create a password. Write the password down so you will have it in future visits to their site.

After you create your account, type my name Tom Blake in the search box, and the covers of the books I have on Smashwords will appear. Click on “84 Days Through Europe in a VW Bus Summer of 1960.” Then click on “Buy.” Then, you will get a prompt for a Coupon, which will entitle you to your $.99 copy. Enter this coupon code WR49Q

You can either download the book to your computer (download epub or original document) or Kindle (Kindle uses the Mobi download). Feel free to save it to your device. Or, simply read it with the Smashwords online reader.

So that was my error last week, providing a broken link. I made a mistake. A few of you commented on that. Let me know if you have any questions or issues.

84 Days Through Europe in a VW Bus. Summer 1960

Cover of Tom’s new ebook “84 Days Through Europe in a VW Bus. Summer of 1960.”

Being single isn’t so bad. In fact, it can be pretty darn good

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – December 27, 2019

Being single isn’t so bad. In fact, it can be pretty darn good.

Columnist Tom Blake end of 2019 message

Today’s eNewsletter, the final edition of 2019, is brief. Mainly, it’s to wish each of you a Happy New Year and thank you for being a Champ.

And thanks to all of you who shared your stories and opinions with the rest of us throughout this year. Hearing from you is what gives us the subject matter to continue publishing fresh, complimentary eNewsletters.

I hope at least a few of you respond this week so we can start off 2020 with an entertaining and informative issue.

For Greta and me, we had a special Holiday season. We spent time with many members of her rather extensive family (four children, eight grandchildren and five great grandchildren, and five brothers and sisters) and relatives, which included a niece’s wedding on December 22. There were pictures taken, toasts and tears of joy.

On Christmas Eve, there were 18 of her family at Greta’s son’s home for dinner.

On Christmas Day, we drove to San Diego for dinner with my sister Christine, and sister Pam and Pam’s husband Bob. Even though my brother Bill was in Dallas with his family, he surprised us with a very extra-special tribute to our parents that also resulted in tears of appreciation and happiness.

We also had visits with friends from Austria, Argentina and Mexico.

Our Austrian friends enjoyed Dana Point Harbor decorations

Being with family and friends over the Holidays is such a blessing.

By the way, the first Age 50+ Meet and Greet of 2020 is scheduled for Thursday, January 23, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point, California, from 5 to 7 p.m. There is no cost and it’s a great opportunity to make new friends.

I leave you with this thought for the upcoming year:

I was reviewing the archives of some past emails and found this from Champ Toni, which she sent on August, 20, 2018. Toni wrote:

“Being single doesn’t have to be a curse. It can be a wonderful opportunity to learn about yourself and grow in many areas. Singles should learn to enjoy themselves and enjoy their own company. They may surprise themselves!”

I’ll add to Toni’s comment by including what I’ve believed and stated for the 26 years I’ve been writing articles for singles 50+:

“Being single isn’t so bad. In fact, it can be pretty darn good. However, don’t forget to dance. Pick yourself up and get out there.”

Happy New Year!

Divorced man’s view on dating after 60

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 29, 2019

Divorced man’s view on dating at after 60

by columnist Tom Blake

Note from Tom: I hope you all had a pleasant Thanksgiving. I was thinking of taking a break this week from writing an eNewsletter and then I thought, why? Especially, when I have a nice story about a man who just became a Champ (an eNewsletter subscriber) and how he views the dating scene.

Women often state they seldom read about single guys and their dating dramas, so I decided to share one with you on the day after Thanksgiving.

A divorced man’s view on dating at 62

As a senior dating columnist, my job is never boring.

Danny, a new Tom Blake’s Champ (eNewsletter subscriber), emailed, “I enjoy reading your column in the Dana Point Times. Online dating, while better than walking into a bar cold, is frustrating indeed. I’m sure many women feel the same way.

“I’m 62, divorced five years, with three grown sons. I’m active, healthy, gainfully employed and live locally. I’ve tried Match.com, Our Time, Plenty of Fish; they are all the same.

“Having been online for a while, I am picky and not willing to settle. If it feels right, I’m in. If it doesn’t, I’m like, “Check please!”

“A lot of one-and-done meet ups. Met one woman that seemingly had high potential. After several months, it fizzled out.

“I want to attend your monthly Meet and Greets in Dana Point. Sounds like you need more men, so the odds sound good! When is the next one?

(Thursday, December 12, 5 to 7 p.m. Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, no admission cost, free appetizers, beer and wine $5)

“Attached is my online dating profile summary, and a recent picture.”

Champ Danny
I viewed Danny’s picture and profile. I selected a few items from his profile to illustrate what this senior single man says he has to offer and what he hopes for in a relationship.

He wrote, “I’m seeking a long-term relationship with a special woman. I’m a romantic optimist and believe in love and passion and treating a woman with respect and kindness–while being a chivalrous gentleman. Believe in going slow and let the relationship develop on its own.

“If the chemistry is there, great things will happen naturally, and it will be wonderful! I subscribe to honesty, trust, good character, faithfulness, and sincerity.

“I enjoy a healthy dose of Irish humor. Like to laugh and have fun. Not into drama and endless dating with no future.

“Enjoy cooking and a nice glass of wine. I’m emotionally available and ready to build a meaningful relationship.”

I responded to Danny, “Your profile is impressive. Being a gentleman and emotionally available are so important.

“A handsome man your age shouldn’t have to rely on Internet dating to meet someone. There are hundreds of single, available, desirable age 60-plus women in south Orange County.

“At our November Meet and Greet, widowers, widows and divorced men and women attended. One lovely woman from San Clemente was asked by two different men if they could walk her to her car. She handled the two offers graciously.

“May I write about you in the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch?”

Danny responded: “BREAKING NEWS: The ex-girlfriend I met on Match.com just texted me and wants to meet. I’m not sure what her intentions are, or where meeting her might go. If things were to take off with her again, the last thing I need is my dating profile in the three newspapers you write for.

I responded, “OK, we’ll wait.” And then immediately I sent him a copy of the “breadcrumbed” eNewsletter from two weeks ago. And then I sent the follow up article with the 20 comments from Champs about the breadcrumbed article.

Two days later, Danny wrote: “I picked her up at the airport last night. We had dinner talking about mostly meaningless stuff. She isn’t sure she even wants to date right now.

“Today, I expected a text from her saying thanks for the ride home from the airport, dinner and drinks, but there was no text from her. Nothing. The silence was deafening. So, it’s okay to run my story.”

Did Danny feel he’d been breadcrumbed? I think so, and from the information I had received, I think he was.

For women in Southern California, to meet Danny and other fine gentlemen, attend the December 12, Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, in Dana Point, California.

Or, to contact Danny, email me at tompblake@gmail.com; I will forward it to him. Remember, he’s in So Cal and most likely isn’t interested in a long-distance relationship. So, if you live in Bangor, Port St. Lucie, Fargo, or Victoria B.C., or other faraway places, I wouldn’t contact him. That’s just my opinion.

Writing about senior dating is never dull.

Responses to breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term.

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 22, 2019

by columnist Thomas P Blake

He breadcrumbed Loretta. He was a miserable worm – regardless of how you want to label it and/or him

Today’s eNewsletter is a collection of 20 Champ responses from last week’s article, “Breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term. To refresh your memory, go back and read last week’s post about Loretta being breadcrumbed.

1. Jeanne, “Yikes! That wasn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship! It was a one-way street – going his way.”

2. Wayne, “Total denial.”

3. Art, Florida, “This ‘relationship’ was much more in her mind than his. He carried on his life with her as an occasional date. When he did not give her so much as a birthday phone call, it was obvious that she was not on his mind, or even in his plans.

“This was for him just another in a line of dates, but no deep communication, no interest in the future, and no relationship.

“I think that many of us read more into situations, and believe the story we tell ourselves, but in the end, wind up being hurt.”

4. Joanie, “I was in two ‘go-no-place (GNP) relationships’ where there was no growth and no further depth than the initial dating. It took me years to realize what was happening.

Alert from Tom: Might Joanie have just created a new senior dating term? A GNP relationship (go-no-place).

“It’s a gift to find this out after a year or two and get out–better to be alone and pursuing a quality life–than to waste one’s precious time on a GNP. Loretta will find a better match.”

5. Miriam, “There were small signs along the way, but she was too trusting with his many excuses and times of not seeing her. In a good relationship, you want to be together as much as possible.”

6. Susan, “It sounds like Loretta’s now-ex boyfriend may be incapable of having a close relationship. There were red flags. For one, being brushed aside for a family dinner every week seems very unusual.”

7. Sue, Phoenix, AZ, “Loretta is much better off without that kind of individual. He’s more of a miserable worm than a crumb.”

8. Jon, Olympia, Washington, “Loretta’s friend should be ashamed of himself. A man should never make the woman guess the status of their relationship. Making and keeping plans is crucial to maintaining communication. For Turkey Day, I’m having dinner at Sharon’s with her family, and I am buying the turkey.”

9. Tasia, “Breadcrumbing – Never heard of it before but it makes total sense! I tried online dating for a few years and met only one person who was honest with me. Unfortunately, the attraction wasn’t there even though he was a good, kindhearted man. We even tried a second time to make it work a couple years later, but, everything that was wrong the first time, was still wrong, so we ended as friends again.

“I’m not online any longer and I have not been breadcrumbed, or, experienced situational dating, but I now recognize that happened with a former friend. I always thought it was because she slept with these guys after the first or second date – not saying Loretta did that – just that my friend did.”

10. Mary Lou, “Long periods between dates, showing up not groomed for a date, talking about making plans and then not following up, didn’t any of these raise a red flag?

“It takes two to make a relationship. This relationship was on its last legs, whether she knew it or not. I bet he met someone who lives closer to him, and, went for it with the other gal because Loretta was geographically undesirable.

“Some people just want to keep their options open (ie., breadcrumbed) until they decide where to commit. Not fair nor is it kind, but it’s what happens.

“Loretta sounds like a nice lady. She’ll be more savvy and aware with the next guy she meets.”

11. Marta from Montreal, “Six weeks is an awfully long time to not get together, especially since they were not very far apart.

“It sounds like the relationship was not developing as relationships do, but how was she to judge that? We are encouraged to be patient, kind, accepting, all that good stuff, but there is a limit, and I understand how deciding what one’s personal limit is can be very confusing.

“If what you want is a loving and permanent romance, be alert for signs it’s not going to happen, and get your runners on and get going.”

12. Gail, Bishop, California, “My reaction is old-fashioned: good riddance! What a rude person. I’m glad she found him out.”

13. Thyrza, Los Angeles area, “Loretta was hanging on too long hoping the relationship will develop and blossom. Obviously, it did not, time to move on.

“He was not a catch, anyway, I would dismiss it as a ghostly encounter. Move on Loretta. I don’t care what that relationship label is, just move on!”

14. Laurie, “I’ve been breadcrumbed. It stinks!”

15. Stella, “ARRRRGHGH! Why would she want him anyway? He’s mentally ill, in bad health, blood clots (unless he’s lying). If a guy isn’t willing to spend his time with you exclusively after a year – HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!” (The name of a well-known dating book).”

16. Joy, “She thought this to be a loving, committed relationship. Men and women should pay more attention to what their partner does than what he or she says. Actions speak louder than words. Talk can be cheap. I believe most of us heard this ‘saying’ when we were in high school.

Loretta is a loving and kind woman. Love yourself more Loretta and be thankful you can now see his true character. Head up high and move forward with a smile. You’re lucky you caught him in another lie.

17. Terry, “I feel for her as ‘love’ can be like the disease of addiction–cunning and baffling.”

18. Lee Ann, “I’m not fond of labels since every dating experience is different. Breadcrumbed especially. I think what she needs to focus on instead of labeling it is what she wants next time. There were so many red flags. They were dating for a year but would go weeks without seeing each other, even though only 30 minutes apart.

“I’m also disturbed that she wasn’t included in Sunday dinners. Relationships are supposed to grow in a forward direction.

“Another huge red flag for me would be being asked to make a baby blanket for a baby I’d never met. I think she should take some time alone to examine what she wants in a relationship and perhaps see a therapist to learn how to set boundaries and to have a healthy relationship down the road.”

19. Shelley, San Diego, “I think what many women do is: Go by a man’s WORDS and not his ACTIONS. This man was saying he was her ‘boyfriend’ and that he ‘loved’ her, but his ACTIONS tell a different story.
“In all relationships, we need to feel safe, seen and celebrated.

“From a man who says he loves me, I should be getting great treatment, treated as precious.”

20. Stephanie, Midwest, “Breadcrumbing is nothing new. It used to be called ‘stringing you along.’

“Loretta’s boyfriend didn’t want to break off the relationship because his new lady he had dinner with might break up with him, and good old Loretta would still be available for dating.

“For a time, she was his main girlfriend, as he was inviting her to share the holidays with his family. Somewhere along the line, she became a utility infielder instead of a starting pitcher.

“Breadcrumbing is more subtle than ghosting, you feel the person still cares about you and there is an ongoing connection.

“Ladies, don’t fall for this–if enthusiasm wanes, if something has changed–call it out. Put less value on his words than his actions from that point on. Maybe he’s just a coward or fears hurting your feelings so he says all the right things and you calm down–but is the phone ringing again?”

Tom’s final observation: Wow 20 Champs’ responses. You make this eNewsletter so darn interesting. In effect, you write it.

The perfect finish to this eNewsletter was alluded to by Thyrza, when she mentioned Loretta was hanging on. Those two words reminded me of the incredible Rod Stewart song, “You Keep Me Hangin’ On,” from the 1977 Footloose and Fancy Free record album (we’ve featured it before in a column)

That song by Stewart is the greatest tribute to being breadcrumbed in the world. The violins, and, Carmine Appice on the drums, make listening to this 7+ minute song purely enjoyable.

That song, and two others from that album (I Was Only Joking and You Got A Nerve) belong in the senior Music Hall of Fame (which doesn’t exist). Here’s the link to You Keep Me Hanging On. Do yourself a favor and listen (excuse the picture with the video of the woman with the bikini and tattoos)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N83uZp6uU4c

The importance of appreciation in relationships

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 1, 2019

by Thomas P Blake author and columnist

The importance of appreciation in relationships

Recently, a friend said to me, “It will be nice to be appreciated by someone rather than be taken for granted.”

He was referring to a romantic relationship that he had recently terminated. It was a difficult decision, one he pondered time and time again–because he cared about her—but each time he thought about it, he reached the same conclusion: he wasn’t being appreciated by her. He’s a good man with lots to give.

His comment struck a chord with me. I recalled that years ago, I had written a column titled, “Appreciation.” I didn’t recall when I specifically wrote that article, but remembered it was in the autumn of the year, a time when many people, who are in less-than-satisfying relationships, evaluate them. The holidays tend to do that to people.

In sorting through my column archives, I was amazed to locate the “Appreciation” article. I wrote it on November 16, 2000, based upon conversations with three people, who had independently commented to me about how appreciation can affect relationships, both positively and negatively.

Much of what I wrote is still applicable today. So, I’m going to quote a few of the observations from that 19-year-old article. The observations might help people who are feeling under-appreciated or unappreciated. Expressing appreciation is a pretty simple concept. Sometimes, however, we just need a little reminder of its power.

I wrote: “Life, day-in, and day-out, is trying on most of us. There are demands on our time. We’re so busy, we may not say ‘Thank You,’ to our mates often enough.

“Expressing appreciation to a mate, and actually, anyone, is a considerate, thoughtful and kind act. It shows respect and acknowledges to a partner that he or she is trying to put us first.

Appreciation and a smile work everywhere in the world. I asked these two Huatulco, Mexico, police officers to help me open a bottle of tequila. The officer in the raincoat whipped out a switch blade knife and pried off the top. I thanked him and his buddy profusely. My appreciation elicited this warm response from them. (photo courtesy of Tom)

“People like to be recognized. When they do something nice for a mate, or another person, regardless of how small or minor, it’s good to hear that what they did was appreciated. Appreciation goes a long way to strengthen relationships.

“When people are appreciated, they will keep looking for ways to please their mates; appreciation and recognition are positive taps on the shoulder.

“However, when people take their mates for granted, and don’t notice or appreciate the little things done for them, relationships can be adversely affected.

“A lack of appreciation from a mate might be a red flag that the mate doesn’t care enough about the relationship. That doesn’t mean the mate is a bad person, it could be as simple as the mate isn’t in love.”

The year 2000 article also stated, “When a mate doesn’t appreciate you, and that behavior repeats itself, you may say to yourself: ‘Screw it, I won’t take being treated that way anymore.’

“Lack of appreciation creates disappointment and disillusionment. When it happens too often to a person, he or she may slowly stop caring. The relationship suffers. It’s like decay in a tooth. Let it go along enough without remedial action, and you’ll lose it.

“Criticism of a mate and finding fault with him or her, is a form of anti-appreciation. It’s demeaning to the person being criticized. Perhaps the criticizing person wants out, but that’s a chicken way to handle it.

“I’ve written about new singles making a list of the qualities they require in a mate. High on their lists should be a partner who appreciates them. In return, they must do the same for the new partner.”

I ended that article from 19 years ago with these words: “One of the dangers in long-lasting relationships—marriage or otherwise–is that the appreciation for each other can start to wane. If that happens, watch out. Look at the divorce rate. Lack of appreciation is one of the factors.”

Such may have been the case with my friend who confided in me. In his case, the decision to move on, is, in my opinion, what’s best for him as well. Moving on is always hard, but when it’s best for you, you’ve got to do it.

Lesson learned from 19 years ago, and still applicable today: If you appreciate receiving appreciation, don’t overlook giving it. It’s a powerful love tool.

10-day Motor Coach Tour of Ireland August 2019

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 16, 2019 Dateline: Dublin, Ireland

10-day Motor Coach tour of Ireland August 2019

By Tom Blake

Greta and I are in Ireland. We have joined 25 other people from the USA and one man from Australia on a 10-day land tour around the island. We have traveled on a Globus tour, by motor coach, staying in hotels in Dublin, Ballina, Galway, Limerick, Tralee, and Waterford.

Our Globus Tours Motor Coach

We arrived in Dublin a day early to try to adjust from an 11-hour flight that crossed eight time zones. Although exhausted on the first night, we wanted to stay awake for four hours to sync with Ireland time.

Greta and I found a pub called the Ruin Bar a mile from our hotel, the Gibson Hotel. A red line tram runs from the hotel to Abby Street, where we got off. I had a pint of Guinness and we shared fish and chips. We were amazed at the number of pubs in that area of Dublin near the Liffey River.

At our Dublin Hotel, we noticed movie cameras around the hotel. They were filming a popular Ireland TV show First Dates. About 30 couples of all ages, mostly much younger than us, were being taped.

Popular Ireland TV show First Dates Crew Member showed us her I.D. badge
I jokingly told one of the show’s producers that Greta and I were there for our taping. She was perplexed–couldn’t find us on her list of participants–and we looked too damn old to be on the show, and we didn’t have an accent–and then I told her that I had written about senior dating for 26 years. I thought they might interview us, but they didn’t.

Of course, the main reasons for coming to Ireland were the castles, history, cities, green landscape and sheer beauty. In addition, its people are warm, welcoming and friendly. Most have a dry sense of humor.

Also, I had hoped to find genealogy information on my mom’s side of the family, name Pardee, some of whom I knew had come from Ireland.

Each day on the Globus Tours was very busy. Luggage outside the hotel room at 7 a.m. A quick Irish buffet breakfast. On the bus by 8 or 8:30. All kinds of activities each day. Hotel check in after 5 p.m. A group dinner most nights. Seven different hotels in six cities in nine nights.

We’ve seen so much it’s impossible in a column to describe everything. So, a few highlights.

On travel day one, the first stop was at the National Irish Stud Horse Farm.

Magnificent horses at Irish Stud Farm

Stud fees cost as much as $135,000 per encounter if Invincible Spirit Irish Stud is the stud. Beautiful grounds and horses.

Stud fees by horses name

Later that day, the next stop: The Famine Museum in Strokestown. Here the terrible Irish Famine of the 1840s was explained. At that time, the potato was the main food for the population of eight million.

Many were very poor and were sustained by only eating potatoes, as many as 14 pounds per day per person. A blight destroyed the Ireland potato crop. Nearly a million people starved to death.

At the museum, we read about the tragedy, saw old pictures and depictions. As I left the museum, I thought to myself, I will never complain about anything again in my life. The messages there were that powerful.

On travel day three, we visited Kylemore Abbey, a massive castle acquired by Benedictine nuns from wealthy people who squandered their fortunes on an ambitious social life. And then a stop at a marble workshop, where Irish marble mined from nearby quarried is turned into jewelry. My partner Greta purchase a pair of beautiful earrings made from Irish marble from a quarry nearby.

On the next day, the group rode a ferry boat to the Aran Islands, the westernmost islands of Europe. Gaelic is the first language spoken there. While there we climbed up a thousand feet or so to Dun Aengus, one of the most spectacular forts from prehistoric times.

Lunch that day was at Ti Joe Watty’s pub, where the group was entertained by an Irish guitar player and singer who I expect will be highly recognized around the world someday—not as big as the Irish band U2, but very talented and likeable.

In our tour group, every person had an interesting story. A couple of quick ones come to mind. A couple from Indiana told Greta and me that the husband encouraged his wife to do a DNA test with Ancestry.com.

His wife had been adopted at birth and knew nothing about her actual parents or family. Soon after the test, she got a phone call from a sister she didn’t know existed. She talked to other relatives as well.

They asked how her life had been. She said she was very lucky; her adoptive parents were great. Her siblings had a different story. They had had miserable lives. So, the contact was bitter-sweet. But, she was happy to learn who her true family members were.

Remember, I said I checking my genealogy on my mom’s side? Funniest thing. Found virtually nothing, but on my dad’s side, the Blake family, I found lots and lots of names. Even had dinner one night in Galway at Blake’s Bar. I had been searching on the wrong name. In Ireland, the name BLAKE has quite a history.

Blake’s Bar – Galway, Ireland

On another day, the group stopped at one of the oldest burial sites in the world, called Poulnabrode, which dates to 4,000 B.C.

Burial site from 4,000 years B.C.

I was walking to the site from the bus with a guy named Bob, who was wearing a University of Miami baseball cap.

“Hurricanes fan?” I asked.

“Yup, especially Miami Hurricanes football.”

I said, “I was at the Orange Bowl once, where your team plays, at Super Bowl II, 51 years ago. Sat at the game with two American Airlines World Stewardess (called Stewardesses back then) queens and former Miami Quarterback George Mira.” The two women were Patty Paulsen and Jill Spaven.

He looked at me in amazement, saying, “I was at that game as well. Raiders vs. Packers, working with ABC Sports. And I have met George Mira. He could throw a bullet pass, like a rocket.”

Neither of us could believe we both had been at that game and now were standing side by side in Ireland, 51 years later.

Next week: I’ll share with you a few more places we visited and a few more personal stories about our trip. For now, I’ll simply say. Ireland is fascinating.

With 83 inches of rain a year, it’s green. We saw hundreds of cattle and sheep. Incredible old castles, and black stone walls everywhere in the countryside.

The Irish people are friendly. The food, especially the fresh seafood, is to die for. We are having an incredible time.

Reminder: The Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s in Dana Point, California, is Thursday, August 22, 5 to 7 p.m. Food complimentary. Beer and wine $5 each. Champ Maria will be the hostess. Greta and I will be in Europe. Have fun.

On Life and Love after 50 reaches age 26

On Life and Love after 50 reaches age 26. Thanks to all the Champs for helping to make it happen – August 9, 2019

by Tom P Blake

Dateline – Dublin, Ireland

Greta and I arrived in Dublin, Ireland, yesterday. We are on a 30-day trip. The first third of our trip will be traveling by bus with a tour group visiting many areas and cities in Ireland.

Then, in 10 days, we fly to Amsterdam and board a Holland America cruise ship, the MS Rotterdam, for a 20-day trip to Scotland, Iceland and Greenland. I will fill you in as best I can on the trip details in future eNewsletters.

But, in today’s article, I wanted to say thank you to all my Champs. Because of you, my writing career has entered its 26th year; I will explain how you’ve helped.

When my first “Middle Aged and Dating Again” newspaper column, titled, “Home Alone with Only Dog for Company,” was published, July 7, 1994, I had no idea how long my writing gig would last. I was writing from a recently divorced man’s point of view on the difficultly of middle-aged dating.

Before being hired, my two editors at the Dana Point News, Dixie and Sherrie, required me to submit four ready-to-be-published columns, which they said would be “put in the can.”

Honestly, when they said that, I seriously thought the columns might be put in the toilet. The editors quickly reassured me that “put in the can” meant they would be the first four columns used—a month’s worth.

At that point, I didn’t know if my writing career would last more than a month. I wasn’t sure if my readers would run out of questions, comments or interest. A columnist who writes a “Dear Abby” type of column, as mine has kind of evolved into, cannot maintain momentum without input from readers.

Back then, which was before the Internet, newspaper readers responded by leaving voice messages on answering machines and writing letters.

As the Internet grew, newspaper readers responded less to printed articles. So, I started an online eNewsletter around 2003 called “Finding Love after 50,” which put me more directly in communication with my readers; it was easy for them to just hit reply on their computers.

After a while, to create an alternate source of income, I charged $15 per year for the newsletter.

But, about 10 years ago, I wanted to expand the scope of the eNewsletter to beyond just dating issues. I changed the name to “On Life and Love after 50” and decided to stop charging for it.

Because I felt a deep connection with my eNewsletter readers, I wanted to adopt a name for you. After all, many of you have been brave enough to share your thoughts, experiences, opinions, knowledge, stories and emotions with people, most of whom you’ve never met. You were more than just readers.

Your comments open the doors for me for column ideas. I appreciate your trust in me; you’ve taught me a great deal.

One day, as I listened to Jackson Browne singing, “The Load Out and Stay,” the name hit me. In that song, Browne pays tribute to the roadies who load and offload his equipment when he is on tour.

He sings, “…when it comes to moving me, you know you guys are the champs…” And, that’s where the name Champs came from. The link to that song is at the end of today’s eNewsletter.

I am blessed to still be writing for newspapers, again thanks to you Champs for providing me with the material. I write for three newspapers in Southern California and six in Pennsylvania and use what you’ve sent me for the papers as well.

In this era dominated by online social media, print newspaper columnists are a dying breed. Newspapers are closing their doors in droves.

In a quarter century of writing, I’ve inked approximately 4,000 newspaper columns and eNewsletters. So, my uncertainty in 1994 about lasting for more than a month as a writer, turned out to be silly, but, of course, I didn’t know it at the time.

And I certainly, back then, could not foresee that I would publish four books, and make appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.

Thanks, Champs, for helping make all of that possible.

I’ll try to give you an Ireland update next week. Now, where is that Guiness Stout factory. I hear their beer is pretty good.

The link to the classic 1978 performance of The Load Out And Stay (it’s 9 minutes and 24 seconds long) Remember to hit “Skip Ad”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scsJZ67ssDY
Reminder: The Meet and Greet show will go on this month at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point, Thursday, August 22, 5 to 7 p.m. Our lovely Champ, Maria, will oversee the event. Please lend her a hand.

Have you been Catfished?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 2, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

Have you been Catfished?

OK – so this is not a catfish, it’s a trout, but you get the idea (Photo by Tom)

Catfished–a relatively new senior dating term.

Last September, Champ Rabecca emailed, “Have you ever written about ghosting or being ghosted?”

I replied, “What the heck is ghosting?”

Rabecca said, “It’s a term used in dating.”

Her question led to the creation of two eNewsletters. The first, dated September 14, 2018, was titled “Ghosting” and the next week, September 21, the second–as a follow up–was titled, “Who hasn’t been ghosted?”

All previous eNewsletters, including those two, are archived on the Finding Love after 50 website. if you’d like to read or reread them, see the link at the end of today’s issue.

The Urban Dictionary defines ghosting as: “The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

At least 25 Champs responded to the first eNewsletter and most of those responses were featured in the second one. Most everyone has been involved in ghosting—on one or both sides of the coin.

And now another new term (at least for me)

Recently, Champ Joel Blackwell brought attention to another new term, at least to me, and, Joel said, to him as well, “catfished.” Joel posted a comment on our Finding Love after 50 Facebook group page that resulted in responses from people who are members of that closed group. As of today, there are 522 members.

(A “closed” group means to join, people must request permission from me, the founder of that Facebook group. I keep it closed to keep intruders with evil intentions from getting into that group to protect our members.)

Joel provided the definition of “catfished” as stated in The Urban Dictionary. It’s luring someone into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona. He saw the term “catfished” in a New York Times Modern Love article, titled, “When a Dating Dare Leads to Months of Soul Searching,” by Andrew Lee. The link to the article is also provided at the end of today’s Finding Love After 50 eNewsletter.

Facebook member Marilyn wrote, “I was ‘catfished’ while on Match.com. He was charming and intelligent and said all the things I wanted to hear to open the lines of communication.

“He claimed to be a widower, well-traveled, ready to retire, etc., First red flag: there was always an excuse why he couldn’t meet in person, although he claimed to live locally.

“Second red flag: after a dozen or so emails and phone conversations, he started suggesting I join him on an incredible European investment deal, but he needed to use my name and bank account info to hold some funds for him. Hah!

“A little online research revealed this man (from Nigeria) used the same profile pics, verbiage and tactics on all his contacts and I was only one of many selected. It was eerie how he used the very same lines on each of the women. Even when confronted, he claimed I had misunderstood his intentions!”

“Catfish lessons learned: if the topic of money or finances comes up after a short acquaintance, Run! If he says all the right things, Run! If he finds reasons not to meet with you, Run!”

The story in that New York Times Modern Love article is well written, informative and interesting. I won’t tell you how it ends. You can read it yourself. Joel provided the link to it:

New York Times Dating Dare article

So, there you have it, another online dating term to add to your vocabulary. If someone is “catfishing” you, i.e., using fictional online persona, that person is up to no good as Marilyn explained with her online experience. It’s often the precursor to an attempted scam.

“Ghosting” and “Catfishing.” Two ugly dating terms, although not exclusively applicable to seniors. “Ghosting is mainly being inconsiderate, the chicken way to move on from someone.

Catfishing is posting bogus information and being dishonest. Being catfished can lead to more serious issues, like losing money or putting oneself in danger.

Just be aware. It’s a complicated dating world out there.

The link to all 2019 and 2018 eNewsletters is:

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/copy-of-2013-2016-enewsletters

Once there, go to the right-hand column and under Archives, click on September 2018 to read the “Ghosting” and “Who hasn’t been ghosted?” eNewsletters.

Meet and Greet information for Dana Point, California area for August:

Monday, August 19, 5 to 7 p.m. The city of Dana Point Recreation Department is starting a mixer called Active Lifestyle Connections for 50+; Dana Point Community Center – Garden Cafe 34502 Del Obispo. Light refreshments (no alcohol). For information, call Monique 949 248-3507. No cost.

Thursday, August 22, 5 to 7 p.m. Meet and Greet for 50+, Tutor and Spunky’s, 34185 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point. This is our usual 4th Thursday event. Greta and I will be out of town, so Maria Olamendi, has offered to act as hostess. Food complimentary. Beer and Wine $5 each. Greta and I will be at the September event. Details on where we will be in August will be in next week’s eNewsletter.