On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 2, 2021
by Columnist Tom Blake
Senior Marriage in their 70s
I wrote about Cheryl and Matt in the Valentine’s Day eNewsletter this year. Why mention them so soon again? They have updated news that surprised me, and which I felt would be interesting to our Champs. A little background information will be hopeful.
Cheryl and Matt met online on OK Cupid in April, 2016. Cheryl said, ““Matt and I are blessed to have found love in our 70s. However, we do take some credit for our success and don’t believe it was just luck. We were honest when we wrote our profiles and answered hundreds of questions on OK Cupid, and we were honest with each other in our communications from the onset.”
They knew they were meant for each other. There was just one issue. Cheryl had lived in Ohio for 58 years; Matt lived in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan—600 miles away. A senior, long-distance relationship was established. Six months later, Cheryl moved to Michigan to live with Matt.
Five years later
Cheryl said, “In April, 2021, we moved to Ohio, arriving at my daughter’s home. On April 24, we moved into a 35-foot RV we are renting while our house is being built. Moving out of Matt’s 2,600 square foot house has been an adjustment, especially with a 105-pound dog and a cat!
So, I thought that was their news: A couple in their mid-70s, relocating and building a home. But there was more news.
Cheryl said, “Even though neither of us expected to marry again when we first made a ‘rest of the journey’ commitment to each other, after being together for nearly five years, we were married on June 12. We were married in the church I had attended for years while living in Ohio prior to moving to Michigan. Getting married just felt good.
“And there were some financial advantages as well, although that wasn’t the main factor in our decision.
“We had fun with the ceremony, as both of us shared poems we had written previously to each other. The minister read Matt’s poem, ‘How to stay in love.” I wrote ‘wedding’ lyrics to Leonard Cohen’s ‘ ‘Hallelujah,’ which I sang to Matt at the end of the ceremony.
“The lyrics included: ‘I met you on the Internet, I took a chance, I made a bet that we would together forever be, yah.’ There were four verses total.
“We celebrated afterward with dinner with the family at my daughter and son in law’s home. My daughter made the cake. She did a very professional-looking job. And it was yummy, too!
Matt and Cheryl
” When I was four years younger and divorced, I never would have expected to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, let alone marry. And I never expected to move to Michigan (particularly, to the Upper Peninsula), and then to move back to Ohio, and be building a house at the age of 74.
“One benefit of pursuing a relationship at our age (70s) is that we know ourselves well enough to recognize what we need and want based on our emotions and practical objective considerations. We are not as likely to simply get ‘swept off our feet’ and make a decision prematurely or based solely on emotion.
“There is still plenty of life to live in our senior years, and I echo your advice to remain open to new and different possibilities. We are never too old to fall in love!”
Age is just a number On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter June 18, 2021 by Tom Blake columnist (The article today has been edited for length and clarity)
Senior dating at 80+ Marjorie & Hans – Love across the pond
Marjorie, 87, (photo above on left) emailed this week about her senior long-distance romance with a man from Amsterdam, “My motto: be interested and interesting. My passion is traveling and enjoying the visual arts.
“My Amsterdam relationship began in 1998 when my engineer companion and I did a house exchange with Hans and his wife, who lived in Amsterdam. “Hans’s wife died in 2014. He came to California in 2015. We took a trip together and discovered we were meant to travel together. We have crossed the Atlantic six times traveling in Europe and the USA.
The pandemic has limited us to daily Skypes. Will we travel again at our age? I’m not sure. Hans is 84.” The photo of us above was taken in my 90-year-old artist friend’s home (she is in the middle). More on senior love
Two weeks ago, the June 4 eNewsletter featured three independent women, Paula, Kathy, and Leslie. Champ Art, Margate, Florida, commented about each woman’s situation.
But first, a reminder about Paula, age 75, who moves to a new city every two years or so, and renovates homes, and then flips them. We included a picture of her two Bassett Hounds in that June 4 issue. Paula said, “The only way I can do what I do is to be single.”
Art said, “It’s interesting that Paula has not grown roots, and still has that wanderlust feeling about herself. I’m 82 and find meeting (potential mates) very easy, but I would not want to become interested in a woman who has not found a man to call a keeper or a place to call home by the time she is 75.
And Art said this about Kathy: “Her issue, being allergic to most animals, could never work for me. I love animals and have two cats at home.”
Regarding Leslie, age 80, who met her fiance four years ago, Art said, “I congratulate Leslie on her engagement. Her independence is a trait I admire if not carried too far. Leslie has found her way to thrive in a singles world.”
Art added, “When my wife passed in 2007 I thought that I would never know love again, but by learning how to use POF (Plenty of Fish) and putting a lot of thought into my writing, I have been blessed beyond my expectations.
“I am currently dating a 79-year-old woman who lives about a half-hour from my house. We are both vegetarians, both of us love live theater, and we each find the other attractive and fun to be with.”
Even more on senior love
One of our Champs is Tammy La Gorce, the New York Times “Weddings” columnist. This week Tammy shared a column she wrote about two 95-year-olds who just got married.
She thought I’d like the last two sentences from her article, which are quoted below: “Nobody starts life at 95,” Ms. Morrow-Nulton said. “But we did.”
“I’m not lonely anymore,” Mr. Shults said. Better still, “I don’t think we’ll get sick of each other.”
P.S. You may be asked to subscribe to the Times’s online edition, for a very reasonable rate.
Part 2 – Champ Larry on Lake Michigan
Larry and his daughter on Lake Michigan during sunset
Grand Haven Lake Michigan Sunset – June 2021
Last year, Champ Larry, (above, with his daughter a week ago), contacted me, saying he would be in the Dana Point area and asked if we could meet for lunch. He mentioned that he was retired, single, widowed, living in Florida, and spent summers in a beach city on Lake Michigan.
Having grown up in Michigan, I asked, “Where in Michigan?” Larry said, “Grand Haven.” I was amazed. I told him that my mom had grown up in Grand Haven and our family had rented a cottage there for a month during several different summers.
“What was your mom’s maiden name?” Larry asked.
“Frances Pardee.”
Larry said, “I knew a man named George Pardee. He hired me for my first job in Grand Haven. He worked for the Peerless Novelty Company.”
I was even more amazed. George Pardee was my uncle. Turns out, Larry was the City Manager of Grand Haven for years, before moving to Florida where he was a City Manager in a beach city there. He and my uncle became good friends.
Larry and I met for lunch and found we had even more in common. Two weeks ago, he was visiting South Orange County again (his daughter lives here) and we met for coffee for a couple of hours. So, Larry is another Champ who has become a special friend.
Is he single? Well, yes, but let’s put it this way. He seems to have met some nice potential mates in Florida. I’m certain he will keep me posted on what happens in that regard.
Thanks to Larry for sending the photo. I encourage other Champs to do the same thing, along with some biographical information.
Senior downsizing, relocating and getting rid of stuff
As we age, we start to realize that we may need to make some changes in our lives such as possibly relocating, downsizing, and clearing out clutter and “stuff.”
Last week, the above message was delivered to me loud and clear. My nephew Derek made a special trip from Dallas to California to meet with me for three hours and then he met with my sister for three hours in heart-to-heart discussions.
Derek’s dad, our brother Bill, passed away on January 19. Derek is the executor of Bill’s estate. And while there was a will and estate plan, Derek said there was so much stuff that executing the estate had been a nightmare.
Looking me directly in the eye, he emphatically stressed the need for older people (as in yours truly) to clear out “stuff” while they still can, and not leave the task for their kids or someone else to try to figure out who gets what, and what to keep and what to toss out.
In some cases, growing older necessitates starting over in one’s life. Today, we share situations that three of our women Champs are dealing with. It’s called “starting over.”
Joanne, Albuquerque, New Mexico On April 24, Joanne wrote, “No one needs extra stress right now. I’m waiting for an apartment on the west side of Albuquerque to become available. It’s HUD so it could take a while.
“In the meantime, I will be staying with friends in Reno. I’ve rented for 40 years and have never been treated like this. We’ve had three property managers in 10 months. When they don’t want to be bothered by you, they block your phone number, etc…
“So, I’m putting my ‘stuff’ in a storage place on May 17 and plan to leave for Reno on the 18th. It’s a two-day drive from Albuquerque. I’ll stay in Reno to help my friend for a couple of months and when the next apartment is available, I’ll come back to ABQ and live on the west side of town. I swore I wasn’t ever moving again.”
Jackie, Illinois “I’m selling my house, the home in Illinois that Randy provided for me in his will, to move back to Georgia to be near my children. I’m starting over.
“Once I get settled or after I do some traveling, I’ll see if God has someone once again for me as I had with Randy, and like the Italian love story from last week’s eNewsletter.
“I’ve been told it’s a good real estate seller’s market now and I have no reason to be here anymore. I’ll take the leap to put it on the market on May 24. I hope once everything is over I can visit my sister and we came come to another one of your Meet and Greets at your former deli, Tutor and Spunky’s in Dana Point, as we did in May 2019.
“I’m sure you will be giving us an update from last week’s eNewsletter on Annalisa and Carmen. The ‘Where Do I Begin?’ song by Andy Williams took me back to the 1970s.”
Susan, Virginia,
“I hope the meeting between Annalisa and Carmen will lead to something. I am lonely too, been alone for a very long time, was okay with it for a while, but now feeling it much more. I’m getting ready to move and that in its self is very stressful. Downsizing. ‘Where do I begin?’
“I keep shredding paper and there is a lot of it. I got rid of 11 pounds of paper today and about eight pounds last week.
“I don’t have much big furniture, so that is a plus. I once had a big house and moving from that place where my kids grew up was hard. I moved in with my daughter for a while and that was fun. I then moved in with my son, before he was married, and then I moved to an apartment, and now, moving again!
“When my ex-husband passed away eight years ago, he left nothing in order! My daughter handled the estate. It was very hard on her to sort everything out!
“I have to move again because the rent where I am now living keeps going up, so I’m moving to a less expensive place–an over 62 community.
“It has been a long journey for me divorcing in my 60’s and the things I went through. I could write a book on divorcing later in a woman’s life. There was nothing out there at that time to help women and I still don’t think there is now!
“A good divorce lawyer is worth his or her weight in gold. I didn’t have one to protect me, and I didn’t have the money to continue fighting the ex. I also was just getting out of treatment for breast cancer, but, I did walk away with something: my health.
“I am 79 and wishing that I was younger. Having to make a change again at his late date is not fun.”
Tom’s comment: Relocating, downsizing, and/or getting rid of “stuff” can be a pain in the rear, I understand that. But, it also can be a positive new beginning. It’s something that nearly all Champs need to get busy on, especially getting rid of “stuff.” Greta and I know we need to get that done.
And the result of relocating can be rewarding. A new environment will mean new challenges of learning the local area. One will meet new people, make new friends, and encounter new adventures. It’s a chance to start over, to stimulate one’s brain and muscles. It could lengthen and enrich a person’s life.
Good luck to the above three Champs. Please let us know how it’s working out for you.
“Where do I begin?” was the instrumental theme of the 1970 film Love Story. In January 1971, Andy Williams’ version was released. The first four words of Andy’s rendition are also “Where do I begin?” It is one of my favorite songs of all time. There is a link to Andy singing the song at the end of today’s eNewsletter.
The son popped into my head this week when I received two emails almost simultaneously. And because of those two emails, I didn’t know how to begin this column.
The first email’s subject line caught my attention: “Ciao from Milan.” Greta and I have spent several days in Milan and we love that city so I opened the email.
The email was from a woman named Annalisa, which in itself, is a beautiful name. Annalisa wrote, “I always read you eNewsletters. I am a 69-year-old Italian woman. I have been alone for 12 years since my ex-husband left me for another woman. Our family has suffered a lot.
“I do not speak English well, but I can make myself understood. To write this letter, I am using a translation app so excuse me if some words are improperly used.
“I am looking for a mate who is an American citizen. I’ve been online for 10 years and haven’t found anybody desirable. I am disappointed with the online dating sites.
“You have a lot of acquaintances. You probably know of older men who are lonely like I am. I am looking for a widower aged 67-77 years old who is intelligent, unattached, cultured, and socially active. I reside in Milan and I’d like the gentleman to visit me here. I will host him.
“I do not want a divorced man for the reason that I have suffered and I’ve seen the sufferings of children and families from divorce. I prefer a widower without children for a serious and loving relationship.
I hope you can help me.”
My first reaction was: Doesn’t Annalisa know I’m not a matchmaker? My second reaction: “Wow, this is incredible. A Champ who lives in Milan Italy is reaching out to us. And my third reaction: Annalisa probably doesn’t understand that there are many Champs who live in the USA and Canada who would like to meet a quality older man. Hence, I think Annalisa has competition and a challenge on her hands.
I promptly responded: “I received your email. I need a little time to think about it. I will get back to you.
“Did you say you are willing for the man to come to your country and stay for a while? What about the pandemic, is Italy allowing foreigners into the country?
“Thanks for writing. Your email is one of the most interesting I’ve received in my 26 years of writing columns and newsletters.”
Within a minute after sending my response to Annalisa, another email arrived. It was from Champ Carmen (Carm to me), who lives in Barra de Navidad, Mexico. He and I were high school classmates and have remained friends for 60+ years. Carm was featured in this eNewsletter a few months ago.
Carm wrote: “I’m toying with the idea of selling the place (in Mexico) and moving to Italy for the final few years.
“Plan B is to rent out the place for a few months (would have to be Nov.-April — tourist season here) and spending that time in Italy to test the waters. But that’s wintertime in Italy so I couldn’t do the north that I haven’t seen yet. Do you think I could do it on $2,000/month?”
I read Carm’s email in disbelief. Italy? What a coincidence. I wondered if he and Annalisa might meet in person someday.
I wrote Carm back and mentioned Annalisa and described her email.
Long story short. Within 24 hours of me opening those two emails, Annalisa and Carm had exchanged emails and photos with each other. The thought of them meeting in person wasn’t as far-fetched as I first thought.
And what if a relationship formed? And if they ever married, I hope they’d play “Where Do I Begin?” at their celebration. Maybe the NY Times would want to cover the event (Tom is smiling).
When I mentioned this story to Greta, she said: “Let’s return to Milan.”
Milan was in the news on Tuesday. The world-renowned La Scala opera house reopened after a seven-month closure due to Covid.
La Scala Opera House in Milan
(photo by Tom 2016)
The link to Andy Williams singing “Where Do I Begin?” is below.
In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Wayne asked senior women their opinions about sharing dating expenses 50/50. He said he can’t afford to pay for first-class airfare, 5-star hotels, and pricey restaurants. Included below are the responses of nine women (responses edited for length and clarity):
Bobbi, San Mateo, California, emailed, “I understand the 50/50 arrangement. My partner and I had that type of relationship. Sometimes he would pay the entire bill and then I would reciprocate the next, but most times we shared.
“Some restaurant portions are too large for each to consume so we’d share an order. “I have no problem sharing expenses. I am financially secure so no big deal and it’s only fair to both parties especially with the rising costs everywhere. Unfortunately, I am now single again, as my partner passed some time ago.
“Most women in our age group should be willing to share expenses.”
Bonnie, San Juan Capistrano, California, “How nice that Wayne explained his circumstances, and his wish to have his resources to rely upon through his retirement years.
“California is expensive. I hope that he can continue to live here, as it sounds like he is happy doing so. “For the woman who cares about his life, security, and planning to remain solvent…she will stand out in the crowd and would be worth a relationship.”
Bring your calculator on dates?
Gail, “I see nothing wrong with sharing the cost for entertainment and travel expenses. However, I would add some conditions.
“Each person in the relationship would first have to be honest and committed to each other—- this does not necessarily mean they are married but committed and not still looking for someone.
“Once that is done, they need to discuss with all honesty and be willing to show proof of their annual income. This would be confidential. Their most recent tax return could suffice.
“So now, each person knows the other’s annual income. Then, the incomes are added (just for illustration purposes) and used to figure percentages.
“For illustration: “Female X has a yearly income of $50,000Male Y has a yearly income of $80,000
“Combined the income is $130,000. Female X makes 38% of the total Male Y makes 62%. “Hence, when they travel, dine, or purchase groceries, etc., the female would pay 38% and the male 62%. Our smartphones have calculators, so each person’s share would be easy to figure on the spot.
“I feel this would be the fairest and most honest way to do things. “I didn’t consider each person’s assets- that would be up to the couple.”
Confession from Tom: Gail’s example above unburied an old memory. More than 30 years ago, a woman I was dating and I agreed to share expenses on a trip to New York City. I kept track of every penny each spent (a little anal one would think).
On the flight back to San Francisco (coach class), I said to her: “I calculated what we both spent, you owe me .83 cents.” She went ballistic. That’s probably why we stopped dating.
Shari, “A senior woman who is dating should insist up front that she believes in paying her dating expenses. That puts both parties on an equal footing. In that way, the woman is not beholden to the man. Also, it does not put undue pressure on one party to pay for everything.
“And when both parties pay, either one can suggest places to go without hard feelings creeping in. I wouldn’t dream of letting a man pay for all the dating expenses. Consensus: Avoid 5-star and pricey places.
Sandy, “Regarding Wayne’s 50-50 sharing of expenses: 1) What if the girl of his dreams could not afford half of the first-class flights and five-star restaurants? 2) Would he want to limit his net to women in a specific financial or social bracket?
“Stephen and I are both Champs who met online and married in 2014. While we were both working – there was a significant financial disparity. We were both employed in long-term career positions but his financial remuneration was greater than mine. We both had our own homes and stellar credit scores.
“I addressed this by being transparent about my finances within the first four dates because I was asked about my ‘pension.’ It was my hope that Stephen could decide if I was acceptable including my less than stellar portfolio before knowing each other too long.
“For us, neither finances nor medical history prevented our commitment and marriage.
“My message to Wayne: I could not afford half of first-class airfare or five-star restaurants. He might be throwing away an opportunity with a woman whose value exceeds her balance sheet.
“And not being able to afford those privileges does not mean a woman is poorly educated, lacking in intellect or culture. It is just a financial inequity.”
Gina, “Interesting that Wayne gave the example of first-class air, five-star hotels, and expensive wine and dinners. Does he have to fly first class to enjoy the trip otherwise he doesn’t want to go?
“If he wants to cultivate a relationship with a special-quality woman, he can hold off on the first class and five-star trips and instead be creative with his time and attention and do what he can afford. “If a guy I was newly dating said ‘I love to fly first class and only go to 5-star hotels, let’s plan a trip and split 50/50,’ I’d say no.
“Once there is a strong connection and a desire to spend more time together, within the first three to six months, a couple can have a conversation about travel dreams. The man can be honest about what he can afford and ask how she feels about sharing expenses.
“A man who has similar values, world views, and, is a good listener, and is thoughtful within his means, goes a long way.”
Cris, “The key is to discuss expense-sharing early so your companion knows what to expect. A conversation starter could be ‘I’d love to take a cruise next fall, it would be fun if you could join me. Is that type of expense in your budget?’
“This should open the door to a conversation about future travel and a discussion about what type of situations they would each pay their share of expenses.
“I’m sure many women would have no problem paying their share, especially if the alternative was to not travel at all. And, I bet many women have no problem picking up the tab for dinner once in a while.”
Nancy, “First time responding to your newsletter. “Money is an intimate topic…When I was single I would sometimes make a bet with a friend that money was a more intimate topic than sex.
“To prove the point I would engage a guy at a bar in a conversation which eventually led to a discussion of sex–likes, desires, things they had tried, etc. They spoke openly. But when I questioned their net worth or annual income, they clammed up!
“I can afford to share expenses with my significant other but I would much rather offer to do it than be surprised when a check arrives or I feel obligated to contribute a pre-arranged amount.
“Looking back over the last year together, I can say that my ‘voluntary’ contributions have greatly exceeded 60%….and I don’t feel bad about that because it was voluntary. And I must admit I enjoy seeing him smile when I randomly pick up a check, suggest we have dinner ‘on me,’ or prepay a hotel bill.
“My advice to Wayne is to discuss the topic of sharing expenses, in generalities, and suggest that he and his partner share expenses informally, but do not expect a rigid 50/50.
“His misfortunes are not her problem. Figuring out a fair way to share expenses is…as a couple. Not by edict.”
Kathy, “If I were dating right now I would want to split expenses; I don’t like to feel that I owe anyone, anything. Paying my way has always made me feel like I’m an equal partner in a relationship.
“When I remarried my husband after four years apart, we came into the relationship with separate checking accounts and a household account that we both pay equally into monthly. It works great, I wish I’d done this the first time around.
“There’s no discussion when I come home with a bag of new clothes or even a new car that I’m spending his money, or too much money. It’s made life so much easier.”
Will our Champ’s wedding be in the New York Times?
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 30, 2021 by Tom Blake Columnist
Senior Marriage
When Champs share their stories and situations with all of us, positive results can follow.
First, the stories often help people who have had or are currently involved in similar experiences and sometimes predicaments. Second, when we cast our nets far and wide, unexpected positive results can materialize.
I admit that last week when I sent out my eNewsletter for the first time using email-provider Constant Contact, I was holding my breath. I hoped I wouldn’t screw up with the new format.
I wrote about Ginny, age 80, and her significant other Harry, 87, who are contemplating marriage. Champs were amazing, responding in droves giving “thumbs up” to the new eNewsletter look and Ginny’s and Harry’s story.
One of the first responses blew me away. It was from Tammy La Gorce, the New York Times “Weddings” reporter. She wrote:
“My Friday wouldn’t be complete without your newsletter. I love the new look! Not sure if you remember me — I’m the NYTimes Weddings reporter. “Ginny and Harry’s wedding would be a great one to feature in our section. Would you be able to ask Ginny if she’d like to be featured and if so, when they’re planning to be married?
I immediately responded to Tammy’s email, writing: “Yes, I remember you. I just heard from Ginny. I know she would love to be in your NY Times column. Hence, I am copying this email to her so you will have each other’s email addresses. “And you have my permission to use whatever you want, if anything, from today’s eNewsletter.
“Too bad you weren’t writing your “Weddings” column in 1968. I was married (the first time) at the headquarters of the Episcopal Church, which was located in NYC at 2nd Avenue and 43rd Street.
“After the ceremony, everyone in attendance walked over to a restaurant named Nell Gywn’s on 42nd Street across from Grand Central Station. We were carrying the altar flowers and lots of people honked and waved at our group. Twas fun. “Let me know if things proceed with Ginny and Harry.”
Tammy responded: “Yes, wish I had been there in 1968 but I hadn’t been born!”
Egads, Tammy’s comment reminded me that I was married for the first time 53 years ago. Holy Toledo! I wonder if our Champs can remember when and where they first married?
Ginny and Tammy have touched base. Ginny shared the email she sent to Tammy: “I was surprised and very pleased that you want to write about Harry and me. I think we may have compromised on a November wedding. But I will let you know for sure, as soon as I can get a definite answer from Harry. Ginny”
I thought Ginny’s comment: “…we may have compromised on a November wedding.” was hilarious. Sounds like Harry isn’t moving too fast to make the wedding happen.
I hope Ginny will keep us updated and maybe we’ll read about her wedding in the NY Times.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter –January 1, 2021
28 responses to “Do women 65+ plus not want to live with a man?
Thanks, Champs for responding to the eNewsletter sent two weeks ago regarding: Do women 65+ not want to live with a man? I selected 28 responses (22 from women, six from men). All the responses included below were sent via email, except for two telephone conversations I had with Les and Dave, men friends of mine.
This article is long and thorough. I may publish it as an electronic book.
In reading today’s eNewsletter, please remember, these are quotes from Champs and not opinions of mine. Many quotes are edited for length and clarity by me. Each person’s idea regarding people 65-plus living alone or with someone is unique. Most people are enlightened; others are a tad angry or bitter. There is no right or wrong response.
In the end, I will pick a new moniker for women in the age 65+ group. I’ve narrowed it down to “The Independent Generation” or “The Contented Generation.” Of course, this will be an unofficial-tongue-in-cheek designation, and for fun only.
What women said
Terry, “We are in our 60’s and older. I don’t know many friends who are interested in marriage or even excited about their existing marriage. Many new relationships come with lots of baggage. Going through that is easier if households are not co-mingled.
“Humans at our age are set in their ways. Sex is nice but not necessary (at least for women), separation of incomes is tricky, and sharing of living space–unless the space is huge—would be difficult”
Laurie Jo, “I have mixed feelings regarding being a couple under the same roof. My boyfriend of five years is a lovely man, but he is younger, with a career and a son still at home. He loves his home. We live 90 minutes away; that commute is unreasonable for him.
“But I am still lonely a lot of the time. Living together is not an option for us; cohabitation is likely not in the cards. I have decided that for now, going back and forth for each of us on alternating weekends is ok.
“How every relationship plays out is different.”
Mary Ann, “After living alone for some time, people start to like having space, and not sharing or compromising with a partner. Many men don’t want to commit; they feel free and happy.”
Elizabeth, “I know many older women who want companionship but are worried about living together or getting married because they may lose some independence. Many are afraid of taking on household chores or losing financial independence.”
Carissa, “Women like myself who’ve spent years eating the right foods and taking good care of our bodies want to spend our retirement enjoying life, not being a nursemaid to a man who mistreated his body, and now wants his own, private caregiver in exchange for room and board.
“Financially secure women don’t need a man at this point in their lives unless he shares their values about good health and retirement.”
Kaitte, “I’m a very independent senior woman, most men can’t handle that—not needing a man to take care of me. Some men are afraid that I will drain them of their money.”
Sandra, “My guy and I are both Champs; we married in 2014. This is not a male or female issue. Many men now of retirement age, focused on their work and traditional male division of duties at home while women worked and assumed traditional roles at home. Retirement requires transition and often a new division of duties.
“I do not want to live alone; my husband and I are negotiating the learning curve now.”
Where do you choose to live after age 65?
Susan, “I have been in a 12-year relationship with a man who has been trying to complete a divorce throughout our relationship. We have had a LAT relationship. He declared this past week that he doesn’t want to continue.
“I have no interest in marriage and I love having my own place. I am 78, live in San Francisco. I am wondering if I could ever start another relationship. I have been told to only find widowers instead of divorced people. Widowers are sad, not mad.”
Deanne, 67, “I was happily married for 30 years, lost my husband six years ago to leukemia. I want to live with a partner, to enjoy making a home together. I’m better as a partner than as a solo act.
“My widow group (international and private) is filled mainly with women who dream of finding someone and intimacy again. They don’t like living alone. Widows long for a partner to live with while divorcees want freedom.”
Carol, 78, a songwriter. “Older men are afraid to take a chance on someone who has a life, interests, talent, and self-assurance. If they know I’m a songwriter, they don’t want to end up in a song like one I wrote, “So Many Women, So Little Time.”
One verse from my song: “You troll the waters both day and night, looking for a woman, you can excite! A nurse with a purse, housekeeper, and cook, they are all out there, all you need to do is look.”
Speaking of waters, some want to live on a yachtbut the Pilgrim sunk in Dana Point Harborin 2020 Photo by Ron Cohen
Pony Lady, “I know that ‘chore wars’ is alive and well in a couple of over-65 households that I know personally (long-term married couples). They want a more equal sharing of the chores…she says he won’t do anything and he doesn’t care.”
Christine, Relationship Coach, “Regarding, most women who tell me they don’t want to live with a man again because they did too much labor in their marriage, part of my coaching is to show them how to ‘ask for help’ and stop overdoing.
“Once they perfect this they’re more open to getting into another relationship. Plus, most men are happy to do their part in the ‘chores’ around the house.
“I’ve learned when we take responsibility for our happiness within a relationship it’s better to be partnered than single.”
Hamila, Texas, “I was married for 42 wonderful years and was a caregiver for the last six years of my husband’s life. I have no desire to live with another man. I do enjoy male company and all that might entail, but I do not want to share my home with another man. I enjoy doing what I want when I want. I enjoy my male friends but have no desire for them to take up residence.
“A couple of my widow friends agree with me. They are senior women content living alone.”
Gail, “I would live with a man for a couple of days each week, plus on trips and adventures. But full-time? No thank you. I am too independent and happy in my skin. I don’t need anyone giving me unwanted advice and don’t want to do that to anyone. I keep hoping to meet a good man who is available and interested.”
Lisa, “I moved last year from Southern California to the Tucson area. While I would like to find a partner, the LAT describes my preference now.
“I have furnished my home to my taste. If someone moved in, where would we put his stuff? If he didn’t have furnishings, that would be a red flag.
“I had a good relationship with a man in my neighborhood who entertained me mostly at his home. I enjoyed his company. However, he always had a TV on somewhere in his house, even if he wasn’t watching it, including one in the bedroom to watch the “Tonight” show, on a timer so he could go to sleep with it on.
“I’d like to find someone to do activities with, share meals, in or out sometimes, and have sleepovers and what they entail, but I want my freedom and independence too. “
Arlene, “It’s a trade-off! We get a roof; they get a slave. My ex never cleaned his toilet. He never cleaned anything except his car every Sunday morning, which prevented him from churching with me.
“Men want someone to clean house and lauder their stinky clothes. Not fun. Of course, they want a sex partner. The last three men I’ve known can’t perform due to diabetes. Yawn.
“Then we can watch them watch “the game” on tv while drinking beers. Stay upwind of the farts. Another yawn.”
Kathy, 59, “I remarried my husband of 20 years six years ago. I knew what I was getting back into. We live together. To say he does not clean up after himself is an extreme understatement; it can not only be exhausting but embarrassing.
“I take care of the yard, but the rest of his stuff is everywhere…most of it behind the RV gate, or I move it back there after a few days if it’s left out front. We look like the Beverly Hillbillies.”
Kathleen, 60, “I would like having a male companion to spend time with, especially seeing concerts, plays, book readings, or even going out with for a meal, but seniors living together, no thanks!”
Dianne, “No. Once is enough. It’s like the New Yorker cartoon where the man is proposing and the woman says, ‘Oh, so you want to offer me a life where nothing changes for you and my whole life does for me (not the exact caption but it captures the essence.)
“Can’t see how any man over 60, especially with children, could offer anything that made it worth moving in. And it’s not that I haven’t been pursued.”
Bonnie, “Better solo or better with your partner? While a man’s companionship is wonderful, being solo is also wonderful. Such an individual thing.”
Alicia, 68, “I stay busy with my hobbies. I would love to share a home with a man. If I meet a man and we fall in love, I think having a conversation about our lifestyles and talking about what’s important to each of us would make the transition of living together easier. I would hope the man would likewise have his hobbies, interests, and friends.”
Mary Lou, 75, “I can’t imagine living with someone today. I have turned into an independent senior woman, and I like my routine. I have made lots of friends in Denver since moving here three years ago. Since the pandemic, I Zoom twice a month with a group of fabulous senior women in a movie club. And once a month in a book club.
“I take occasional online classes with Senior Planet. I live a mile from my son and family. I still tutor students for bar exams and have 11 assigned to me now. I have a rich, full life, and am resigned to not having my great later-in-life love connection.”
Brenda, 59, “Women 65+…the independent generation. You should research more in-depth through history if thinking of using that label. Women have always been independent. In my opinion, it’s the men who have been dependent on women and have tried to make women dependent on them through laws and legal discrimination.
“I have known countless older and younger independent strong women. Your ‘label’ is nothing new. We’ve always been independent.
What men said
Army, “Most women want their independence and freedom. If you want to go dancing, they will drive themselves to meet you there; they don’t need or want a man in their lives.”
Les, 94, WWII vet, (by telephone) is living in an Orange County, California, assisted living facility. He doesn’t like being there. He isn’t looking for a mate. Instead, he’d rather purchase a single-level home with an attached two-car garage. In Southern Orange County, homes like that are hard to come by.
Dave, 80, Laguna Niguel, California, (by telephone) widower of six months, wishes senior centers and older singles clubs were open so he could make some new friends. He doesn’t want marriage, but a compatible pal would be nice to have.
Lawrence, “Most men need the emotional, financial and physical support from a woman. Why? Since WWII, families have become dependent on two incomes. The two-income program developed independence for women…Now, women want dominance over men. That’s why many men have opted out of committed relationships with women.”
Jim, humor columnist for Desert Exposure Magazine (Las Cruces, New Mexico) (www.desertexposure.com): “Your ‘Independent Generation” moniker reminds me of an 1855 poem, by Martha Ford titled “The Nantucket Girls Song.”
It’s too long for this column so I’m including the link. Here is the first sentence, “I have made up my mind now to be a Sailors wife, to have a purse full of money and a very easy life…
After reading these responses, I’m sticking with “The Independent Generation,” as it applies to single women age 65+ and their living-arrangement preference. Some want to live with a man; many don’t There’s no right or wrong answer. But, it reveals how our generation feels about cohabitation.
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – December 4, 2020
by Columnist Thomas P Blake
There are two parts to today’s eNewsletter
Part One – The Blood-Drawing Station
“Why am I here?” I thought to myself at 6.47 a.m. on Tuesday when I opened the car door in a Mission Viejo parking garage. With the pandemic kicking up its ugly heels again, aren’t people supposed to be extra careful when venturing out? The health experts are urging us to stay home as much as possible.
And the last place we should be voluntarily visiting is a medical facility. But the sign on the five-story building where I’m going says Mission Medical Plaza. I wouldn’t call it a medical plaza; a medical center is more like it. And I’m here voluntarily.
I am having my blood drawn. I’m supposed to do this every six months for a routine health exam, but due to the pandemic, I postponed my June 2020 visit. My doctor recently texted me saying I was six months past due and encouraged me to come in to see how my body was holding up.
I figured by arriving before 7 a.m. I’d be one of the first persons there so I wouldn’t have to wait long. Holy cow, as I entered the drawing station, there were five men and three women wearing masks who had already signed in on the front-desk clipboard, sitting in socially-distanced chairs waiting to be summoned to the front desk to sign paperwork.
I’m guessing the average age was 65-plus, so I fit in.
I entered my name on the clipboard and took the last available chair.
One man had a USC (University of Southern California) face mask on. Another man approached him and they started talking about college football. The USC guy said, “I’m here because I played football for 25 years; my knees are screwed up.”
The other man said he had played football as well, but I couldn’t hear where he said he had played.
A few minutes later, I started a conversation with the USC man by saying,
“I had a buddy who played for SC. You probably have heard of him.”
About then, the man was called into the blood-drawing room.
“What was his name?” he asked as he walked away.
“Lynn Swann,” I said. He turned around and gave me a thumbs up.
I got to know Lynn in 1973 when I worked at the Victoria Station restaurant chain. Our company presented him with a college football player-of-the-year award we had created as a kind of a publicity ploy.
Lynn Swann at the 1973 USC Awards Banquet with MVP trophy and Victoria Station award
Photo: USC Sports Info
I had dinner with Lynn on the night of the day he was drafted in the first round of the 1974 NFL draft.
Lynn was an All-American at USC and went on to win four Super Bowl rings with the Pittsburgh Steelers, was MVP of the Super Bowl in 1976, and later became the athletic director of USC for a few years.
Another guy sitting in the waiting room was wearing an “Ohio State” sweatshirt. Oh wow, a dreaded Buckeye, particularly for me, a Michigan Wolverine. UM hasn’t beaten Ohio State in football in 10 years. I was glad I wasn’t wearing any UM clothing as we’ve had an embarrassing year with a record of two wins and four losses. And those Buckeye fans love to tease Wolverine fans.
Just a few days earlier in Costco, I had a golf shirt with a big Michigan block “M” on the front pocket and a guy from Wisconsin walked up to me and said, “Tough year, eh?” He wasn’t referring to the pandemic.
One woman who came into the drawing station a bit later was wearing a UCLA sweatshirt. I didn’t get a chance to talk to her about football, or anything else.
When people are summoned to the front desk to sign the paperwork, they are asked a couple of questions.
“Are you fasting today?” is the first question.
In all my visits here, I’ve never heard anyone say “no” to that question.
And then the second question:
“What is your date of birth?”
That one people seem to dread. When they answer, some lower their voices, hoping no one in the waiting room will hear their response and learn their age.
I respond by giving my DOB and then add, in a whisper with a wink, “But don’t tell anyone.”
Sometimes I try to guess how old a guy is before I hear his answer. I’m often off by 10 years or more.
My name was called by the guy who would be drawing my blood. He said, “Follow me” and led me into the blood-drawing room. I recognized him as the same guy from 12 months before. I doubt if he remembered me as I guessed he had probably drawn blood from more than 2,000 people since then. He was wearing a mask, face shield and gloves, of course. The room was spotless.
I always brace for the needle going into the arm and look the other way. But I didn’t even feel it. He was very professional and quick.
I thought I was finished. I was—almost–but not before the guy handed me an orange biohazard bag—for the collection of, umm, how do I put this delicately?—well let’s just say you collect what goes into the bag in the bathroom at home and then return it to the drawing station at a later time.
And then he emphatically added. “When you return the bag, ensure it is sealed. Do not hand it to the people behind the desk. They don’t like to be handed a bag of poop. Ask them where the box is in which to deposit the bag.”
His advice sure made sense to me. I walked through the waiting room, trying to disguise the bag he had given me.
As I walked to the car, at 7:20, I thought about all the workers in the medical field who every day are putting their lives at risk so that the rest of us can do our best to stay healthy. Front-liners and first-responders are amazing human beings. I had seen a bunch of them in that medical building that morning and thanked them. They seemed to appreciate that.
And I also thought that the drawing station was a good place to get out and chat up some new people and socialize, albeit a quick in and out. One never knows who you’re going to meet there.
But I was happy to be returning home—even with the bag in hand–to finally get a cup of hot coffee and a bit of breakfast.
Part 2 – The reality of life – and reflecting on a hero
Rafer Johnson died at age 86 on Wednesday. He was an incredible person. Great athlete. Great humanitarian. In 1960, at the Rome Olympics, my buddies and I were in the stands at Olympic Stadium on Tuesday, September 6, and watched him win the decathlon. As I recall, it was about 10 p.m.
To win, Rafer had to stay within 10 yards of C.K. Yang, Rafer’s UCLA teammate who represented Taiwan, in the decathlon-1500-meter race. The race was Rafer’s weakest event of the 10 decathlon events but with guts and grit, he finished one and a half yards behind Yang to win the gold medal.
I checked the journal I kept from that 1960, 84-day European trip. The Cold War with Russia was hot. In addition to the decathlon that day, we watched the USA’s Ira Davis get beat out for a silver medal by a Russian on the last jump in the triple-jump event (my track coach called it the Hop, Step, and Jump.)
Rafer, who had been watching nearby, immediately went to the Russian and tried to congratulate him by shaking hands, but the Russian refused. I wrote in the journal, “People in the stadium booed the Russian entirely too much. The Russian left the field crying.”
And one more item from that day. Australian Herb Elliott set a world record in the 1500-meter event at 3:35.6 seconds. That record stood for seven years.
The next day, Wednesday, September 7, my buddies and I were at the Olympic Village, where the athletes stayed. We had purchased tickets to fly home on the Olympic team charter airplane and were waiting there to board the bus to the airport. I had a Coca Cola with Rafer. He was such a humble man, he barely acknowledged his victory from the night before.
And now, 60-years-later, Rafer Johnson, the legend is gone.
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 27, 2020
by Columnist Thomas P Blake
Opportunity often arises from adversity
Millions of people worldwide have experienced unthinkable and unavoidable adversity in the year 2020. Of course, Covid-19 is the biggest factor, but natural disasters such as fires, smoke, hurricanes, and flooding have added to the adversity.
Adversity leads to opportunity.
People have lost their loved ones, jobs, homes, and social interaction with friends—the list goes on and on. For the most part, adversity has hit seniors the hardest. The death toll is highest among the senior population.
However, there is a flicker of hope on the horizon. The vaccines developed so far have been touted to be 90-plus percent effective.
Once this adversity is behind us, opportunities will start to arise for individuals. Jobs will become available. In-person family visits will resume. Senior singles will meet dates face-to-face. I’m not trying to paint a rosy or idealistic picture about what has happened to us all in 2020—it’s been a terrible year.
In 1994, I learned a valuable lesson about how an opportunity can arise from adversity. On Christmas 1993, I was visiting my 82-year-old mom in Northern California. I didn’t know at that time that my life was about to change dramatically. Adversity was already underway; I just didn’t know about it.
The morning after Christmas, my wife of six years telephoned me at Mom’s to say she had moved out. (She didn’t mention that she had taken what furniture and belongings she wanted).
All I could say was, “Where are you living?”
“Doesn’t matter,” she replied.
And then she said, “Gotta go,” and hung up.
I packed my bag and got in the car. I was so surprised and shocked that I started jotting some notes on a pad of paper during the 500-mile drive home. Soon, those notes were transferred to a journal I started writing, attempting to gather my thoughts, figure out what had happened, and plan for the future.
Three months later, I was served with divorce papers in front of employees and customers at my deli. Of course, that event was described in the journal.
Making a 30-foot deli sub was more fun than receiving divorce papersat the same deli
I started to date, thinking mid-life dating would be easy. It wasn’t. I described in detail the dating frustrations and failures in my journal.
After five months, the journal had grown to more than 100 pages. I converted it into a short story. I naively queried Playboy, Esquire and the New York Times, thinking those media giants might be interested in a story about a divorced man’s dating woes. They weren’t.
Eventually, two women editors of the Dana Point News newspaper agreed to review my material. On July 7, 1994, just six months after my wife’s move-out, my first column was published. I realized that my writing opportunity had grown out of the adversity. I certainly didn’t expect the opportunity would last for 26 years.
In June 1998, I met Greta, who had experienced adversity as well. She was a single mom, who had raised four kids. She created her own opportunity by becoming a special education teacher and being such a positive force in her student’s lives.
Hopefully, after Covid-19, all of us will be able to get out and about. Seeds of opportunity will pop up here and there. For whom? In what format? When? No one can say. Some Champs have already shared their new-found opportunities with us. In the October 30 eNewsletter, seven Champs were featured with the opportunities they are working on during Covid-19.
Wendy Green is a new Champ. She is a single mom who raised two children. Wendy has bounced back from adversity more than once in her life. She reached out to me by finding my articles on the Dana Point Times website.
Wendy said, “In March 2020, I was laid off from my job because of Covid. I knew I still had a lot to give, and there were a lot of people from my generation experiencing a sense of loss and in need of inspiration. That is when I decided to start the Hey, Boomer broadcasts. (those broadcasts are scheduled for most Mondays, at 1 p.m. Eastern Time.)”
Wendy’s website, http://www.heyboomer.biz also features her weekly blogs. I encourage Champs to sign up and read her sage advice and comments.
As we emerge from this unthinkable adversity-filled year, it will be up to us as individuals to recognize our seeds of opportunity and make the best of them, although we may not realize or understand them until months or years later.
And as always, I hope you will share them with me and subsequently, all Champs.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter November 13, 2020
Tom Blake 26 years of writing columns
20 Years, Where’d They Go? Like A Rock
This Tuesday, November 10, I completed the final edit to this week’s eNewsletter. Scheduled it for today. It felt good to be a little ahead of the game; I wouldn’t have to worry about the normal last-minute edits.
But then, Wednesday, November 11, Veteran’s Day, came along. The eNewsletter game-plan unexpectedly changed.
What happened on Wednesday?
An email arrived in the morning from Champ Regina McGrath, of Dana Point, a special friend of Greta’s and mine.
Regina wrote: “I could have sworn I was wishing you a Happy Birthday about a month ago, so either in my old age I’m confusing dates, OR in my old age time really is going by that fast…conclusion being, I’m old!! Ha-ha!
“As always, I enjoy each and every eNewsletter you produce and as always, I miss you and Greta!
“I often wonder if you REALLY know how much you’re admired and appreciated?
“Have a wonderful Birthday & Veterans Day!”
Regina’s email stopped me in my tracks; it struck a chord.
I responded: “Thanks for the birthday wishes. Yes, it’s today. Thanks for the “admired and appreciated” comment. Wow, it’s the appreciation from Champs and friends such as you that so truly matters to me.
“For some reason—probably because it’s another birthday–your words made me reflect on all the years I’ve lived and how fortunate I’ve been, particularly the last 20 years, in which Greta and I have lived together.
“Thinking of those 20 years reminded me of one of my all-time favorite songs, “Like a Rock” by Bob Seger. (That song was used in one of the longest-running TV advertising campaigns in history, 1991 to 2004, which resulted in Chevy selling millions of trucks. Here is the verse from the song that triggered me to look back today and appreciate how blessed I’ve been.”
A verse from Like A Rock:
“Twenty years now Where’d they go? Twenty years I don’t know I sit and I wonder sometimes Where they’ve gone And sometimes late at night When I’m bathed in the firelight The moon comes callin’ a ghostly white And I recall I recall Like a rock, standin’ arrow-straight Like a rock, chargin’ from the gate Like a rock, carryin’ the weight Like a rock Like a rock, the sun upon my skin Like a rock, hard against the wind Like a rock, I see myself again Like a rock”
A few minutes after Regina’s email came in, my phone rang. It was Jaime and Larry Black, who live in Laguna Beach, just up the road from Dana Point. Jaime is our travel agent and Larry prepares my tax returns in my CPA’s office.
They wished me a Happy Birthday, and then Larry said, “Aren’t you a veteran?”
I said, “Yes, which makes November 11 even more special to me.”
Larry said, “You can probably enjoy a free meal at lots of restaurants because it’s your birthday and you’re a vet.”
I said, winking at Greta, “I think we’ve got that covered.”
Larry’s veteran comment reminded me of 2016, when Greta and I visited the American Cemetery at Omaha Beach in Normany, France, and Omaha Beach itself, one of the many beaches used by the Allied Forces on D-Day, June 6, 1944, an event, I feel, that saved the world.
Being there made Greta and me feel even more grateful we are Americans. Below: “The Braves” Monument on Omaha Beach in honor of those who perished on D-Day
The Braves Monument Omaha Beach (photo by Tom Blake 2016)
And speaking of D-Day, one of our Champs, Les Jones, age 94, was a part of the American forces on that invasion.
Champ Les Jones – WWII veteran
Les was also in the Pacific Theatre during World War II. A big salute and thanks to Les on November 11, and all days in fact.
Les is a close friend of Gary Sinise, whose foundation benefits veterans. This picture is of Gary and Les at a recent War Memorial visit in Washington D.C., It is very moving.
Gary Sinise and Les
And then, another email came in, which added to the emotional patriotism I was feeling on November 11. It was from Champ Ellen B, Seattle, sending a birthday greeting. What’s the patriotism-connection there?
I met Ellen at an Anaheim Angels baseball game in 1995. I first saw her on the pitcher’s mound, where she sang the National Anthem and introduced myself when she returned to her seat, near where I was sitting behind home plate.
I wrote my 63rd newspaper column about meeting her, which was published, August 30, 1995, titled, “Star-Spangled Night.” Wow, a quarter-century ago.
I responded to her Wednesday email with: “Oh say can you see, by the dawn’s early light…”
There is one more reason why November 11 is so special to me. I was born on my Mom’s birthday, so we shared that day together as often as possible. So, of course, that is another reason why Regina’s email struck such a chord.
With all of these things happening Wednesday morning, I decided to place on hold the eNewsletter initially planned for today. A new message bubbled up inside of me. I wrote straight from my heart, in a stream-of-consciousness. It took about an hour. As I read it to Greta for her comments, I had to stop a few times, I was emotionally overcome.
So, Regina, thanks for inspiring me to write today’s eNewsletter. And guess what? I already have next week’s column written. So,wow, a week off.
I appreciate all of you and the opportunity to reach out to you each week!
***
Link to Bob Seger’s “Like A Rock” Be sure to listen for the guitar solo that begins at around the 2:10 mark–incredible.
On Life and Love after 50 