On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – Page 3

Senior relationships and money

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 29, 2023

By Tom Blake – senior dating expert

Money issues in senior relationships

Today we have the main event and then Part 2, which will put a smile on your face.

I begin today’s eNewsletter with a big welcome to 61 new Champs who subscribed on Tuesday and Wednesday. Never, in 29 years of writing about senior dating after 50, have I had more than three people subscribe in one day. So, what the heck happened?

I was mentioned on NPR’s Morning Edition broadcast Tuesday. The segment was about the new ABC TV show, “The Golden Bachelor.” Actually, I was disappointed because my pre-recorded interview from last week lasted 15 minutes. But I was only on Tuesday’s show for less than a minute. I quickly understood when film editors say unwanted film ends up on the film editing floor.

And even though my comments were brief, I am thrilled to have 63 (and probably more signs ups yesterday) new Champs receive this eNewsletter. Welcome to our new women and men Champs. The link to the NPR two-minute segment is included at the end of today’s eNewsletter.

The most difficult challenge to writing this week’s eNewsletter was to decide which topic to write about, based on what women Champs said in their responses to last week’s tale-of-woe by Jack. That eNewsletter can be viewed on my Finding Love After 50.com website.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/blog

By the way, there are more than 400 of my most recent columns on that website. Last week’s story about Jack is the first one you will see when going there.

My what-to-write-about decision boiled down to this: Either (1) The importance of money in senior relationships or (2) Why seniors bail out of relationships. Granted, the two issues are often intertwined, but there was such a wealth of information from Champs that I will devote a separate weekly article on each topic.

Hence, some of you Champs who voiced intelligent and insightful comments about both money in senior relationships and seniors who get dumped may appear two weeks in a row.

5 Senior women air their opinions on money in senior relationships

I decided to focus today on the importance of money in senior relationships. Here’s what five women Champs emailed. (these comments were edited for clarity and space by me)

Marie, “Having read your eNewsletters for a long time, I have noticed a common thread: the topic of money is often interwoven in complaints from seniors when relationships sour.

“In Jack’s case last week, it’s not clear if he is more devastated by his relationship ending, or that he invested what he thinks is a lot of money in the relationship? Nor does he seem to consider that his woman, despite all the money he spent on her, was clearly not satisfied with the relationship after spending 15 years with him.

“Your newsletter title might be more appropriately called ‘On Life, Love and Money,’ because money makes a regular appearance.”

Tom’s reply to Marie. “Yes, you are right about the eNewsletter’s title. But I probably won’t rename it to ‘On Life, Love and Money.’ But we’ll use that as buzzwords in a few future articles.”

Patty, “You know you were going to get a Champ riled up by last week’s article and the hair on the back of my neck made me reply!

“Women also can be well educated and have very successful careers, be financially very well independent, and every guy that approaches her sooner or later looks at her as his social security extra benefit financially.

“I’ve had guys that barely know me declare we can live in my house during the winter and his house in the summer. Not even caring what I want…

“They want you to pay for more than they do…and can happily turn away or look at their phone when the check comes.

“This money thing goes both ways. Maybe women learned the game earlier out of necessity, but there are an equal number of men that weren’t as successful as the woman they are with.

Men also take advantage of financially successful women.

Tom’s reply to Patty: Wow, Patty, you were riled up. Your comments about money in relationships are pretty strong, but nothing like your comments about Jack being dumped, which we’ll include next week. But, please, please, not every guy looks at women as their social security extra benefit financially or looks at his phone when the check comes or takes advantage of financially successful women.

“By the way, my house is pleasant in both the summer and winter. I bet you have a beautiful as well. So, you see, you can have a choice of what months you’d prefer to be at my house and me at your house. What will it be?” Of course, Patty, I’m only joking. I’m guessing our homes are within 10 miles of each other’s.

Sandy, “Even if Jack PAID for everything – does that mean that his live-in woman made no contributions to the household? I rather doubt it.

“Of course, if they had married, this would have been sorted out if they dissolved the marriage. Since he did not want marriage – he is out the money.

“Pre-nuptial agreements happen before getting married or living together. She wanted to get married – the time for the pre-nup was BEFORE getting married or living together.

“Parity in a relationship is not represented solely by money. Men like to play this card, but money does not buy you a relationship nor does it make a house a home. There will always be disparities in income – this is part of the risk of having any relationship.

“My husband and I are Champs. He is (9) years older than I am and we have been together for ten years. When we met, we both had homes, successful careers, and one unsuccessful marriage for each of us. On our first date, I understood that he was financially more successful than I was. He had also lost his previous longstanding girlfriend to cancer.

“On our 2nd and 3rd dates, I was compelled to let him know that we were not in financially equitable positions because I did not own my home free and clear yet, I shared my salary and my pension balance. In addition, I shared that I had cancer surgery 18 months prior because no one should have to lose someone twice to cancer.

“This was very hard for me to do – the cancer part – but I told him I would understand if he did not want to take that risk. The financial part – well – that’s a good example of the income disparity that can exist between equally successful men and women in different fields.”

Elenute, “Yes, we’ve all been through the mill, as one says. ‘Jack’s’ story reminds me of some elements of my own:

“Mine was also for almost ten years. My ‘life partner’ and I bought a house together. Unlike ‘Jack,’ we had a financial arrangement that I found very workable: We shared the mortgage, utilities, etc., but kept our bank accounts otherwise separate.”

Sylvia: “The financial situation is a shoulder shrug. We don’t see or believe what the future could hold. The world has become a difficult place to navigate. There are potential pitfalls at every step. I have become content with my family, work and hobbies and have stopped searching for the one man to be in my life.”

Tom’s comment to Sylvia: “Well, at least you currently have no financial issues with a relationship. And although you have ceased looking for a man, you never know who might unexpectedly come along. And you will be prepared how to plan the financial arrangement.”

The comments from the above five women about money were just the tip of the iceberg. But that’s enough for today. I don’t want to overwhelm our 25 new Champs. Here’s the link to the NPR interview:

https://www.npr.org/2023/07/25/1189901929/what-does-dating-look-like-after-50 2:07

Part 2 – The importance of social interaction

It’s a small world

One of the themes we often mention in these eNewsletters is the importance of seniors getting out of the house and interacting socially with people. And that’s not solely to meet a mate. It’s proven that social interaction is good for our health.

So, this past Monday, a friend and I went to the Laguna Beach Festival of Arts to listen to a Motown-era band. We, along with lots of other people, were dancing among the tables and having a great time. We shared the extra seats at our table with four lovely people from Armenia.

Another couple was seated nearby and smiled at us as we danced. As the concert was winding down, he asked, “Are you Tom Blake?”

I said “Yes.”

Then he said, “You and I worked together 40 years ago.”

“Where?” I replied.

“In Oakland. You and I worked for the Oakland Invaders of the United States Football League (USFL) in March and April 1983, the league’s inaugural year. You were the marketing/sales guy who got people to purchase game tickets.”

I was taken aback. How could anybody remember what I did so long ago? I could barely remember the USFL.

Then, he said, “Our boss was Tad Taube, the millionaire team owner.”

I said, “What did you do for the Invaders?”

He replied, “I was the punter on the team.”

I was dumbstruck. We shook hands. “I’m Stan Talley, and this is my wife, Cynthia.” Cynthia and my friend Margo had been chatting and already had become pals.

Turns out that Stan and Cythia live in Niguel Shores in Dana Point, a mile from me.

This little story shows the importance of social interaction for seniors. We just never know who we are going to meet.

The above photo is of Tom’s official 1983 USFL football, autographed by several Oakland Invader players and coaches. The signatures are faded so I can’t tell if Stan Talley’s signature is on it or not. I will show it to him when I get together with Stand and Cynthia sometime soon.

Take A Chance On Me

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

June 30, 2023

Take a Chance On Me

A Woman’s Fear of Dating a Friend

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

Betsy’s dilemma A woman Champ, 78, requested that her name not be used, so we’ll call her Betsy. And Betsy has a dilemma, which she explained.

“I have given up on dating, but I have friends I go out with every Thursday. One is an 80-year-old man who lost his wife three years ago after 55 years of marriage.

“He lives in my retirement community and is a nice man. He has shown an interest in me, but I won’t consider a relationship with him other than friendship because we live in the same community.

“If our relationship didn’t work out, it would be awkward seeing each other, and I fear we could possibly ruin a wonderful friendship. What do you think? I would like to have your feedback.

I responded to Betsy: “The age difference is only two years. So, that’s a positive.

“Another positive is you live near each other. There would be limited or no driving to be together. Perhaps, a short, likely safe, drive at night to go home. “Since he is a nice man who was married 55 years, he’d likely be a loyal and dedicated mate. He cares about you and is attracted to you. That’s a big positive. You likely would be good for each other.

“Have you discussed your concerns with him? Share them and see how he feels about it. If you can agree on what would happen if it doesn’t work out (it would be a kind of post-relationship agreement), and if you are both comfortable with it, take a chance. It seems at his age and your age, sharing life with someone could be magical.

“You might want to find out about how his home is decorated. Are his former wife’s pictures everywhere? Might that bother you? 55 years is a long time. Lots of memories.

“Greta and I were together 25 years and now, seven months after losing her, I have lots of her photos in my home. A woman who came here didn’t seem to mind, but of course, she doesn’t live here.

“The big answer: if you like him, communicate your concerns and either proceed from there or not. Take a chance. I’d give it a try.

Betsy’s response: “If he broaches the subject with me, I will discuss it with him. We were all out together last night at our usual sports bar for dinner and drinks. When I leaned in to say something to him, he said, ‘If you keep leaning in like that, I will have to kiss you. I have wanted to do that for a long time.’

“I was taken aback and said, ‘OMG really? You are embarrassing me!’
“I think I blushed. My lady friends who were in attendance said maybe it was the ‘drinks’ he had while we were talking.

“I don’t know…but we all agreed he is a very nice guy. We all watched him care for his wife in a wheelchair before she died. He was devoted to her and, is a genuinely nice person to everyone.”

Tom’s reply: “He sounds like me in this way: Perhaps the drinks made him bolder and more amorous, but he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. He is attracted to you. Are you attracted to him? Enough so that you are willing to have that ‘What happens if it doesn’t work out?’ conversation?

“You decide. What’s more important? Having someone in your life who warms your heart and is there for you, and who loves to hug, kiss and hold you.

“Or risking losing his friendship because it might not work out? And even if it doesn’t work out, you still might be friends.

“I totally get where he is coming from, especially since he was a caregiver for his wife. He wants to feel love again.

“In most potential senior relationships, there is fear in one way or another. Most of us have suffered losses. It’s hard to move forward. And we all have senior dating baggage.

“The main question: Are you attracted to him? He sounds like an ideal special man and is so close to your age. Plus, he lives nearby. Also, if you are attracted to him, don’t wait for him to bring the subject up. I suggest you tell him you’d like to talk and take that initiative. He has already indicated he cares about you.”

“Take a chance, Betsy. Which reminds me of a song. Abba’s ‘Take a Chance On Me.’ (See link to the song below).”

Isn’t senior dating fun?

A response to last week’s eNewsletter

Rhonda emailed: “I thought the list which you and your buddy Jim published last week was SPOT ON! I especially resonated with the friendship aspect and the simple words, ‘Friends first.’ And genuinely wanting to be together…love it. So incredibly important.

“I would add to your list strong communication and negotiation. We, humans, are not mind-readers, so sharing ideas and talking about the good, bad, and ugly is vital to a strong healthy relationship.

“Being vulnerable and open are key components to sharing your life with your mate. “Please don’t shoot me Tom, but the proper spelling is ‘Gucci’ for designer clothing and handbags. (you wrote Goochi).

Tom’s response to Rhonda. “Your mention of the Gucci spelling is a riot. I looked up the proper spelling but failed to change it in the text. What was I thinking? Another woman mentioned that as well.

“At least you can tell my closet is not filled with Gucci attire. For me, Levi is more appropriate for this hang-10 guy. So, if I meet a woman who wants a man dressed to the nines, I’m likely not her guy.

“Your suggested list addition is right on. Communication and negotiation between couples are both critical. And what often happens when people are communicating via text, instead of by phone or in person, is the words often get misconstrued. “And being vulnerable is important. When a person is vulnerable, he or she reveals their inner beauty.”

That’s it for this week. It’s Gucci signing off.

Link to Abba’s Take A Chance On Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-crgQGdpZR0

6 Senior singles make a characteristics-wanted list

What they tolerate and not tolerate in a new mate

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

June 16, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

Six Champs share their lists

In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Dave Southworth said he’d enjoy seeing the list of characteristics, ranked in importance, that Champs are looking for in a potential mate. I selected emails from five women and one man to include. I have edited their lists for clarity and grammar. Plus, one woman discusses the one characteristic a potential mate has to have

Kaitte’s list, 70, Colorado

1. There must be at least a spark/attraction to even make it to the next date. I give men a chance to see how they’ll treat me. I’ve got to be able to wake up to that face every morning if it works out.

2. I don’t want a couch potato, a TV sports nut or someone who whines about his health and won’t take care of himself. I’m extremely busy with my little homestead right now growing my own food. But I always have time for lunch/dinner, dancing, or just taking a ride or walk.

The last guy never met me for coffee. He thought we could have some fun without even trying. And I do go Dutch. My Daddy said you’re better than a man trying to take you out for a piece of meat.

3. Finances. I’m not rich, I’m retired on about $10,000 a year on SSI. Yeah, I’m below the poverty level. but I’m thriving. I still assist others for a little funny money to spend how I want. You don’t have to be rich to afford me.

I will share finances as I can afford it to be with you if I care. There are lots of free things we can do with a little gas and time to get there, talking about Pueblo CO., or even more local than that.

4. Age. I’ve been told I need to be open for a younger man because I’m healthy and a young 70, but not a man who is too young. I know of two couples, 17 years apart with the women being older, who have been together many years. I was just complimented by two women at Walmart, and you know women are honest to each other, so I have to say I’m nice-looking. I don’t look 70.

5. While not a requirement, it would be nice to have a man who could work with me on my little farm. I’d even teach him. I wouldn’t want him to sit around and watch me work.

Karen’s list

1. Mutual physical attraction: so friendship and romance are both possible.

2. Similar sense of humor with a lot of shared laughter.

3. Friendly to everyone: showing kindness, politeness, and respect.

4. Shares some interests but has other interests of his own.

5. Have similar levels of fitness: likes to be active and outdoors.

6. Comparable levels of education with good grammar (able to

spell and punctuate correctly).

7. Prioritizes relationships with family and friends.

8. Has personal goals or dreams of his own.

9. A sense of adventure and desire to explore new activities, travel, and begin a new chapter in our lives together.

10. Shared faith/ religious preferences.

Gail’s list

1. Healthy, fit

2. Attractive

3. Fun

4. Willing to Travel

5. Honest, and into me only

6. Financially good. (not living on just SS)

7. Has a good relationship with any children or former partners

8. Has similar political views

9. Intelligent

Laurie’s list

1. Sense of humor. Clever thinking.

2. Health and good hygiene

3. Self-sufficient. Wait. That should have been first on the list

4. No weird hangers-on. No kids at age 35 living at home, etc.

Carolyn’s List

1 Personality

2 Ability to Walk Well (don’t laugh)

3. Laughs Easily

4. Common Sense

5. Compassion/Kindness

6. Free Spirited

7. Not jealous

8. Family Oriented

9. Sincere/truthful

10. I don’t care what someone looks like as long as he is super nice, sweet, and has a fully functioning brain!

“Tom, that podcast really was a most beautiful, outstanding, and seriously awesome interview on Christine’s and Jaida’s 50 Shades of Bullshit Podcast!! Loved seeing and hearing you!! YOU ROCK!”

Bruce’s List

(Except for the first eight the rest could be put in any order. They are all important, but you must be somewhat flexible and willing to give on some. One will never get them all but that would be great.)

1 Attractiveness which includes A. Their physical appearance looks-wise B. Also includes their age—62-74 C. Their height-preferably 5’5-6’0 D. And their weight—nothing over 190 but this depends a lot on their height.

2 Absolutely no Trumpers—they can be Republican and even conservative but if they follow Trump that is a no starter right off the bat. I am progressive and a Liberal and do not mind a good discourse about politics, but I find Trumpers intolerable.

3 No addictions to alcohol or drugs—I do not mind someone who socially drinks or smokes marijuana (within reason).

4 Non- smoker although I am maybe open to some casual smoking.

5 Mentally stable/not insecure or argumentative/good sense of humor important.

6 Still enjoys physical intimacy/massage etc.

7 Outgoing and sociable/enjoys entertaining and the company of others/allows me my friends—male and female/not the jealous type

8 Enjoys traveling/cruising/fine dining or dive bars/and has the capacity to travel at will.

9 Brings only minor baggage to the relationship—we all have some.

10 Able to relocate to either Ohio or lol-Michigan.

11 Adventuresome and young at heart.

12 Well-read and conversant.

13 Enjoys what I like and vice versa for me—sports/classic cars/OSU! One that would have fun/antiquing/working at my coin store

14 Enjoys young people like my grandchildren.

15 Has no kids at home but having children is fine.

16 Is available for holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving which are very important to me as I am now the patriarch of my family and host events at my home on these days.

17 Enjoys spending significant time at my cottage in Northern Michigan.

Claire’s comment

Claire didn’t provide a list, but she suggested the most important item: “A counselor told me years ago,

‘The most important thing to look for in a relationship is ‘character,’ the way a person treats his mother, his children, the waitress, his or her finances, his/her ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, his/her ex-husband/ wife…observing these things will tell you how he/she will treat you.

“The counselor’s bottom line was when dating LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN when men/women are telling you about themselves and how they treat the people in their lives.”

Senior Dating: The Age Difference

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – June 2, 2023

By Tom Blake – Columnist

In last week’s eNewsletter, my buddy Jim and I listed six boundary topics for senior dating. Responses to five of them were mellow. However, one topic was hotter than the 4^th of July: The age difference between men and women. Here’s what a few Champs said:

Nikol, “To me the best situation is when the man and woman are close in age.
For our age group (60s to 80s), it is important because we feel the effects of aging on our appearance and in our thinking more so compared to our younger days.

“Why should only men want to have younger partners? These days, women want younger men as well. Also, it’s very important how people look and feel. I know a few couples with an age difference of 10 years and more where the women are older, and they have perfect marriages. Of course, they met earlier in life.

“To me, it’s important how people behave, not in an old person manner, but how they dress, exude confidence, and work on being in good physical shape and lead an active life.

“Thanks for giving us interesting and important topics.”

Catherine, “I found your article very informative and agreed–or at least I can understand your position on all points except #3 Age Difference.

“You and Jim said you’d consider women even up to: ‘15 YEARS YOUNGER? PERHAPS?’ Are you serious? I think even 10 years is TOO MUCH at your respective ages (74 and 83).

My ex-husband was 6 years, 7 months older than me when we met in our 20s, it was not an issue. However, as we both matured, he did not age well.

“I was STUNNED to read that you think you are entitled to attract women 15 years younger! Society is sick to have the sentiment that it is perfectly fine for a MUCH older man to have a MUCH younger woman; while if the situation is reversed, the woman is called horrible names like “Cougar” or worse.

“But everyone is entitled to their OWN opinion and thanks for letting me share mine.”

Tom’s response: Women who date younger men may be referred to as Cougars in some circles. However, I don’t think I’ve ever referred to women as that. And never will.

I met a woman in her late 60s recently who called older guys who sought to date younger women Horn Dogs. And when she was really stirred up after an adult beverage or two she called them Man Whores. I’m not sure in what category she placed me. She admitted that her husband was 25 years older and left her millions when he passed. She referred to him as the nicest man in the world. So, whatever floats your boat.

Gloria said, “I don’t want someone 10 years older or younger. If possible, someone around my age with a five or six-year age difference, either way.”

Barabara, “Age is only a number, an important number. Although age doesn’t tell what is happening inside the body, it’s not a good idea to eliminate anyone because of age. Seventy-year-olds often look at 80-year-olds as future patients to care for, not how far they can go Stand Up Paddle Boarding SUP.

Francine, “I am a very active 76. I never think of my age because I date men as much as 16 years younger than me and never see any difference. I just have a difficult time dating someone my age or older.

“When I was younger, I loved dating men older but now it’s turned the other way. I have no difficulty attracting men of all ages. My concern is when the dating pool is limited and there is no chemistry physically or intellectually (both are very sexy to me). I can’t have one without the other.”

Cheryl, “Regarding the age difference issue. What was wrong with the woman you met who was 76 herself and she thought your age preference of 71-79 meant you were looking for a younger woman? Lucky for you that she left, and she sure was rude in how she left!

“In my work as a physical therapist assistant doing home health therapy, I encountered people who were ‘old’ physically and mentally in their 50s and people who were ‘young’ in their 70s and 80s.

“I think it’s important to have some concept of an age range that would be desirable, but at our age, physical age can be extremely impacted by health issues as well as emotional issues due to past life experiences.

“Also, regarding the health issue, a person can be in good or relatively good health when you meet and become very impacted by health problems/illness after you make a commitment to each other. At our age, physical prowess isn’t guaranteed for decades!”

John, “Quoting from last week’s eNewsletter what the woman told you after she asked you about the age range you were seeking: ‘You senior men are all the same, wanting younger women.” Yes, that is reality. The reality is that men of all ages are attracted to younger women and women to older men. It’s hard-wired in our brains.

“Opposing reality gives people fodder for griping, complaining, and getting angry, but in the end, reality always wins.”

Noelle, “Tip from a wise old soul. Limiting your search to younger women got my attention. I have always dated younger men because they are the ones who are attracted to me. My last relationship had an age gap of him being 10 years younger.

“I am now in a long-term relationship with a man who pursued me who is 74. I am 87. We have a very special, and loving relationship that we both cherish and plan for it to last the rest of our lives. Chronical age is meaningless.”

Tom’s comment: Noelle, neither Jim nor I limit our search to only much younger women. But, we’re cheering for you and your attitude. Keep ‘em Flying. You may become the eNewsletter poster Champ!

Dee said, “Why do you think you need to look for someone between ages 70 and 79? How would you feel if a woman the same age as you said the same thing to you? Any age difference is so much easier in the earlier decades of life, but in the final years of life, it’s not so easy.

“Please remember how sensitive it is for women who have been left by their long-time mates for somebody younger. Do you really think the younger women do it for the simple reason of attraction? That might be so when the men are in their 40s, 50s, or early 60s and still in their prime. But, after that, it’s probably less about attraction and more about security.

“After listening to the story, you shared with me about the 60-year-old woman who posted attractive pictures on her profile, who saw your profile online on the day you initially posted it and couldn’t wait to meet you. She told you that if she moved into your home with you, she’d probably end up taking care of you (23-year age difference) and if you passed, she wouldn’t want to be tossed to the street. Hence, before moving in, she insisted she’d need legal documents drawn and your estate plan to state the house would go to her.

“She didn’t think you were an actual hottie, at least not that hot, she wanted your home to go to her. Please, Tom, alert older people, men, and women, that when someone younger says they love your profile, it’s probably the money or assets they want.

“I’m aware of an older man that happened to. He met a younger woman online who told him something like what the woman told you. He went ahead and made the deal with her, but the result was tragic.

“She didn’t wait for him to die, nor did she give him any caretaking. She quickly managed to take his house and his cars and forced him to move from the home that he had owned for many years. He ended up having to move in with his son.

“Final comment. Why don’t you consider the same age or as little as five years within your age? Are you willing to consider a woman who is two years older than you? And, if not, why not?”

Tom’s response: I’m open to any age difference if there is compatibility and an attraction. (I didn’t ask Dee how old she is).

Part 2 – A point of clarification about the distance to search for a mate in senior dating

Gail, emailed, “I found your article in last week’s issue most interesting. I had to wait a couple of days to send you my thoughts because at first, I was angry.

“After a day or two, I realized that I was jealous. What made me angry? The comment, “20 minutes away.” At first, I felt that you and Jim are spoiled man-children, but I know better and put the blame on me where it belongs.

“As older gentlemen, you both have the upper hand when it comes to dating. You can afford to want someone no more than 20 minutes away. Not only do you live in a dense population area, but you are also unique in your age and fitness for a male. Now, I can say, “Lucky you!” with a smile.

“I would, however, challenge you to think about a woman who is more than twenty minutes away. Maybe one who lives in an area that is ripe with fabulous things to do and experience. A relationship with someone like this could be full of travel and fun. It does not need to be a 24\7 deal, maybe a week or two here or there, then a week or two off. Just a thought.

Tom’s response to Gail’s comments: I know Gail. She is delightful. Greta and I met her and her granddaughter for breakfast a few years ago. They live in a beautiful small city in the Sierra Mountains. Senior single men are not abundant there so Gail must search for available men up to two hours and more away. That’s why she became frustrated.

Gail’s situation applies to both men and women who live in remote, sparsely populated areas. For those people, Internet dating almost becomes a necessity to improve their chances of meeting a potential mate.

In last week’s eNewsletter, I should have mentioned that. I will mention distance to search for a mate going forward in future eNewsletters and articles.

Don’t you forget about me

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

May 19, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

Don’t You Forget About Me

Once again, this week, you Champs have helped write another eNewsletter. Your comments from last weeks Keep ’em Flying eNewsletter were great. The Keep ’em Flying artwork by artist Kevin Sullivan is shown above.

Before I begin, a few of you have asked whom I use for my website designing and updating.

I’ve used Alex Joyce for more than 20 years. In fact, he’s currently working on my Tom’s Finding Love after 50 website

I am including his contact information at the end of today’s eNewsletter. He is a conscientious gentleman. I highly recommend him.

Almost all my weekly eNewsletters for the last five years can be found on that website. Just go to the home page and check the banner along the top that says, Tom’s newsletters. By clicking on that, you will see a dropdown window showing the years eNewsletters were published. So, if you were included in an eNewsletter, or want to read a previous article, you should be able to find that issue.
So, here’s what our Champs said this week:

Carol, “You don’t have to have a ‘mate’ to be happy. I have been a widow since 1997 when my husband passed away. I just plan things to do at home and outside the home with others, and I have a dog that I dearly love and ‘talk to’ all the time as if she were a person. A new mate could cause you more feelings of missing Greta because she would do things differently, etc. Think positive.”

Tom’s response: “What’s right for me, or right for you, may not be what’s right for others. You have a mate, only yours has four legs instead of two legs. I see four-legged mates with women often on dating sites, and they are often shown being hugged by their owners. We all need companionship and hugs; in whatever form each takes.”

Carol replied: “Yes, that is very true. I had not thought about it that way. I love your columns each week, thanks for sharing.”

Rhonda, “Last week you wrote a wonderful eNewsletter. You can get those thoughts off your chest to us Champs anytime you wish. It warmed my heart to see how healthy your attitude is and how deep your feelings have become even with or maybe because of your recent loss.

“You are honest about what’s going on in your life and soul. Thanks for sharing it with us these many years. It’s wise of you to allow Greta to remain in an important place in your heart. Not everyone does that. What a gift she was to you, and what a gift you are to us Champs.”

Cheryl, “My heart was touched by your ‘Keep ‘em Flying’ eNewsletter last week in your reflections about the celebration of life for Greta as well as your thoughts regarding moving forward.

“I have not lost a husband or life partner to death, but I lost both of my dearly beloved parents and was so tremendously uplifted by the support of loving family and friends at their services.

“Being a self-confessed ‘word-nerd,’ I liked the phrases you adopted for help in moving forward. I’d like to share a couple I have adopted for myself which have inspired and encouraged me over the years. One comes from a song I heard years ago. I can’t remember the title or the artist who sang it, but one line from the chorus stuck with me–“Some people fall, some people fly. Show me the sky!”

“The other phrase came from a Kevin Costner movie. I think the title was simply, “Dragonfly.” The plot was about a missionary (I think) young couple with a baby who were working somewhere in Africa. The wife and child were kidnapped, and Kevin Costner spent months/years searching for them.

“The baby had a birthmark shaped like a dragonfly, so he was able to identify the child when he eventually found his wife and child. A friend asked him how he kept going during the long time he spent searching. His answer was, ‘Belief gets you there.’

“Believe me, I have repeated that mantra to myself many, many times over the last few years! It has helped me get through a second divorce, losing my dream mini ranch in the country, the loss of both my parents and other challenges.  “When I decided to try online dating, that phrase also kept me going and prevented me from giving up on finding a loving partner. Eventually, I was blessed with Matt coming into my life.

“Some time ago Matt found a lovely dragonfly bookmark which I decided to hang from the rearview mirror in the car. I love seeing it when I’m in the car, and it’s a beautiful reminder of how important it is to ‘keep the faith’ and believe that good things will come your way.

“I love what you said about bringing love and happiness to someone in a relationship as well as receiving those gifts yourself. You are a ‘flyer,’ and you inspire others to ‘fly’ as well.

“Matt’s first wife, knowing she was dying, told Matt she wanted him to find a loving relationship. She knew Matt needed love and companionship in his life and knew Matt was able to give the same to a loving partner. So, look skyward and keep telling yourself, ‘Belief gets you there!’

Tom’s response: “I am going to add another ‘C’ to your ‘CC’ name, you are now ‘Cherished Cheryl C.”

Patricia, “My partner Len and I are in Vienna Austria, and will start a Collette tour tonight as we meet up with our director and fellow travelers. We arrived here yesterday morning and after a good night’s sleep got on the subway this morning and went to the Spanish Riding School to watch a training session…just great.

“Even though this trip was planned many months ago it has come at a very significant time for us. My daughter Melissa, age 53 passed away on April 10th due to multiple organ failure. It was a shock and it’s been a learning experience for sure. I dealt with the death of my husband almost 22 years ago, but this is totally different.

“I have accepted Melissa’s death; I don’t have any other choice.  “At this stage of my life, I had to decide whether to let this overwhelm me or to keep moving. I chose to keep moving. Not a day goes by that she’s not in my thoughts, but I know I have to stay healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s a way of honoring my daughter and I know she would want me to do it the way I’ve chosen.

“I am glad you are keeping busy and finding your way. Thank you for sharing this journey with all of us.”

Tom’s response: “Patricia and Len are included in my book, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50,” published in 2009. They are Chapter 12, titled, Love on the Back of a Harley.

Alive and Kicking

Carolyn, “Your eNewsletters always pull at the heartstrings and inspire Champs. It’s as though you are reading our minds and know what our souls are aching for. “In this ‘new’ life, we must take it one day at a time. We are still alive and kicking and must enjoy every single minute. You are our emotional support mentor; your eNewsletters are sustenance for our broken hearts!

“Relatives and friends don’t always understand our true feelings, but you do. Thank you for what you have done to inspire all Champs.”

Tom’s response: Of course, Carolyn’s alive and kicking comment triggered my ‘reminds me of a song’ thought I often get while writing these columns. This week it’s the singing group Simple Minds, from a 1985 album of the same name.

The link to that song is below and a second link to another Simple Minds song is also below. Why two Simple Minds songs? Because my favorite song of theirs was from the original soundtrack of the movie “The Breakfast Club.” It’s called Don’t You Forget About Me.” So that link is listed below as well, just above my picture.
Link to Alive and Kicking

Please have a look at the link below to Don’t You Forget About Me.

Here is Alex Joyce’s contact information Alex Joyce (Owner/Technician)(949) 485-1767 (Call to schedule with Alex)(949) 204-9923 (Alex’s Cell)

UserFriendlyComputerService.com MyWebsiteDesigned.com

Thanks for caring, Champs. I won’t forget about you; please don’t you forget about me.

Link to Simple Minds Don’t You Forget About Me

8 Roadblocks to Love in senior online dating

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 14, 2023

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

8 Roadblocks to Love in senior online dating

Online Senior Dating Roadblocks to Love

Responding to last week’s eNewsletter on senior chemistry, a few Champs emailed.

Linda said, “I agree a senior kiss is the hope of something more in a relationship. It’s the window of hope.”

John emailed, “I’m currently trying senior online dating. I wonder if you’ve noticed this: Some women are so intolerant of men who hold different opinions that those women won’t even consider meeting those men.

“I’ve seen it in women demanding liberal or conservative men, Covid-19 vaccinated or unvaccinated, and Christian or secular.

“One woman ‘liked’ me, and when I read her profile, I seemed to meet all her positives except I’ve been vaccinated five times and she insists on a man being unvaccinated. Despite my five vaccinations, I got Covid1-19 on February 7, 2023. It wasn’t pleasant but I wasn’t seriously ill—no pneumonia. Did my vaccinations help or not? I have no idea.

“Perhaps the vacs prevented me from ending up in the ICU on a ventilator, perhaps not. What did help was Paxlovid—I felt considerably better 12 hours after taking a dose. I relapsed after taking the five-day course, which apparently isn’t that uncommon. I took a second prescription and again felt much better 12 hours after the first capsule. I highly recommend it if you get sick. The sooner you start after coming down with Covid-19, the better. So, Tom, have you experienced issues like that in online dating?

Tom’s comment:

I’ve been online for approximately six weeks. I feel that John is right about the three potential senior dating roadblocks to love he pointed out.

1 Senior romance and Political belief – Conservative vs. liberal or moderate. One woman said, “At this stage in life, I would hope a man and a woman would rise above the politics and just focus on loving each other instead of throwing darts at their political leanings.” I agree with that statement but must admit I deleted one profile that featured a woman in all her photos standing next to Trump. Not a real picture, just a photo of him. Enough I thought.

2 Covid-19 vaccination situation. I must admit that I would be hesitant to hug a person who has not been vaccinated.

3 Senior romance and religion – Different faiths. Christian, Muslim, and Jewish, for example. Should that matter? Some men and women are very heavy believers in God and Jesus. I’ve been told, “My God is my everything” by a very attractive woman. I am spiritual and believe in God, but do not attend church regularly and seldom open the Bible.

So, I probably wouldn’t match up with a zealous religious woman. However, I respect and admire them for having those beliefs. That doesn’t mean you can’t be friends, but love would be a stretch.

I met a nice woman on Match. We met in person. We had a nice discussion. But she got upset when I mentioned that she was religious. She said, “I’m not religious. I believe in Jesus and God. That’s it.”

Then, I inadvertently said, after a glass of vino, “God damn over a situation she mentioned. She went ballistic. What appeared to be a connection between us, turned quickly south.

Here are five more potential online senior dating roadblocks to love I’ve observed:

4 Height – I’ve seen it on women’s front-page profiles. “I’m tall and am looking for a tall man.” Both men and women seem to agree, it’s preferred that the man be taller by at least two to three inches.

For me, I prefer women to be from 5’ up to 5’7” or 5”8”. But, I’ve seen attractive women under five feet and 5’9″.

5 Age difference – I’ve had some women write a nice message saying I’m not a match with them because our age gap is too many years. I write back, thanking them for their honesty and forthrightness. And I get it. Heck I’ve pass the big 80.

One woman’s profile stated she was 72. But the first sentence of her profile said, “I am 52 years old.” That puzzled me.

I’ve met many women who were married to men 20+ years older. Not one of them regretted their relationship. Most state it was the best years of their life. Hurray for old guys! (Hint, I’m one of them).

6 Animals – Dogs, cats, and horses are the biggies. Many front-page profile pictures show the woman holding a dog or two dogs. And then multiple other photos showing dogs, cats, and horses. I love animals but don’t want Rover to be always at my feet begging for a treat. If senior women love their animals, a guy better be prepared to accept that and adapt to it, but hopefully, the woman will keep the rover under control. On a visit to one woman’s home, rover jump up on me with razor-sharp claws and laid open wounds in my forearm that bled profusely. Embarrassing for me and she, but Rover was unflappable.

7 Front page profile photograph. Oh my, one wonders if the profile picture on the opening page is current, at least within the last couple of years. Some I’ve seen are from 5-10 years ago. There is no way of knowing if that profile front-page photo is recent if they don’t show other photos for which to compare. You’ll never know until meeting the person face to face.

One woman confessed that she’s a terrible selfie picture taker and looks younger than her pictures. She was right, which was a pleasant surprise.Some front-page photos are so blurry or unrecognizable that I can’t imagine that person will get any likes.

8 Children Living at Home – I’m not sure how many senior women or men are willing to date a person who has children living at home. That should not be a roadblock in itself. But a discussion might reveal the situation and plans to have the kids move out. So, that might be a temporary roadblock.

Windmills, cathedrals, and tulips

Champ Margaret checked in from The Netherlands where she is on vacation (April, 2023).

Margaret emailed, “I’m enjoying your column even while I’m in The Netherlands on a riverboat cruise. I just went on a 7-mile bike ride around Middelburg. It’s a lovely little town with windmills, cathedrals, and tulips! I went by myself and met so many great, interesting people! I met a nice Norwegian couple but keep bumping into the husband without his wife. I laugh and ask him if he has lost his wife again!

“Yesterday we were at Arnheim and toured the Kroller-Muller museum. They have close to 90 Van Gogh paintings and multiple drawings of his later-in-life work, which I love. It’s the second-largest Van Gogh collection in the world. The museum is on 22 acres so after visiting the museum, I walked around the property looking at the various sculptures.

“This is a Dutch river boat (less than 100 passengers) and the service is impeccable. They upgraded me to a veranda room, so I have a lovely view as we travel along the canals and rivers. At dinner, I sat with a lady from Northern California, a lady from England and a couple from Scotland.

“When I first asked the couple from Scotland if they came on the trip together, the gentleman said “Yes, we’re a couple, not married, but have senior sex!” I got a big laugh from that rather blunt declaration!”

Tom’s comment: I wonder if they met on Match.com?

Champ Sheri is also on a cruise, with her parents from LA to Vancouver B.C. Her young nephew had his bucket list item #1 addressed two hours after departure: Riding a go-kart on the go-kart track on the top deck of a Norwegian Line ship.

So, our Champs are getting out and about. And it’s not always about dating.

Senior downsizing: Mom’s Books

Senior Downsizing: Mom’s Books

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

March 23, 2023

In 2017, there was a young family living across the street from Greta and me in Dana Point. The mom, Victoria (pictured above), told us her son was named Cash (age five), and her daughter was named Waylan Jane (age two).

“Why those names?” I asked.

Victoria said, “We love Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, and country music.”

Victoria was surprised when I told her I had worked with Johnny in 1975-1976 and had been friends with him. When Greta and I mentioned we were going to Nashville to visit the Johnny Cash Museum, Victoria asked if we could do her a favor.

She said, “My son is a huge Johnny Cash fan. He has written a letter to Johnny. He would be thrilled if you could give it to Johnny. Of course, young Cash didn’t comprehend that Johnny and his wife June had passed away in 2003.

The letter read, “Mr. Cash. I love you. I like the song ‘A Boy Named Sue,’ it’s funny. I’m named Cash too.” (See picture below of Tom handing the letter to Johnny).

I told Victoria I’d somehow get the letter to Johnny. At the museum, I had a picture taken of me handing it to a staged picture of Johnny. I brought the picture home and gave it to Cash.

A year later, the family moved to San Clemente. I kept in touch with them via an occasional email.

A month ago, Victoria asked to meet me at Coffee Importers in Dana Point Harbor. After our visit, as we were leaving, she stopped at a used book display sponsored by the Friends of the Dana Point Library. Victoria purchased two books for two dollars each. She said, “I love books and the people who volunteer at the library are incredible.”

Lately—as many seniors do–I’ve been trying to downsize at home. One of my top priorities has been to donate the 250+ books that are gathering dust on shelves. Most of the books were my mom’s. She was an avid book collector and reader.

At age 93, Mom moved to a larger home because she wanted more space to store her books. Often, she inserted small hand-written notes, postcards, newspaper book reviews, and other miscellaneous items inside the pages.

After Mom passed, nearly all her books came to my house. I hadn’t opened many of them.

I kept thinking about Victoria and her love of books. When she texted me in mid-March, I popped a question: “I’m going to donate all my books. Would you like to check them out first and take home books that you’d like to keep?”

“Love to,” Victoria said.

On Saturday, March 18, she arrived at 9:45 a.m. I figured she’d be at the house for a half hour.

She sat on the living room floor where I had placed the books and took two hours to go through them. She meticulously opened every book and carefully removed 130 of Mom’s items, reading them, and commenting on them.

I was astounded. Mom had inserted notes she had written, including her philosophies on religion, postcards and Christmas cards from her children, and newspaper articles from the San Francisco Chronicle from as early as 1973. There were clippings from Saturday Review, and The New Yorker—so many items that revealed Mom’s incredible thirst for knowledge.

Victoria said, “Your Mom was an amazing woman. I am honored to have these books coming to my home, where they will be loved and appreciated.” One item that Victoria found was a copy of the Emily Dickinson poem,

“After great pain, a formal feeling comes”

that Mom had written the words to on a small piece of paper. Moments before, Victoria had received a text on her phone from a friend of hers that mentioned Emily Dickinson. How serendipitous was that? By the way, the final words to that poem are “…then the letting go.”

If Victoria hadn’t leafed through the books, those personal items would have been gone forever. Instead, I put them in large envelopes for my sisters to go through. Victoria had virtually recovered the Blake history that would have disappeared forever.

And then Victoria said, “If you want, we can take the books I won’t be taking home to the Dana Point Library this morning.” I was dumbfounded. The thought of this daunting downsizing task being over thrilled me. She phoned her friends who volunteer there and informed them that we’d be bringing a few cases of books to the library.

One book I kept was an American Red Cross First Aid Text-Book, dated June 1937, with my brother Bill’s signature inside the front cover. Inserted in the pages were two Johnson & Johnson unopened sterile gauze pads. I’m keeping the book and pads in his memory (picture below).

Within a half hour, the books being donated were inside the library where Victoria introduced me to the three women “Friends of the Library” who were volunteering that day. I was so impressed with their dedication and enthusiasm.

When bidding goodbye to Victoria, she said, “I didn’t expect this to be such an emotional day.”

When I got home, I got a little teary-eyed. Mom’s books had found a new home where a person loved books as much as Mom did. They will be treasured for years. If Victoria hadn’t surfaced when she did, Mom’s books and those precious inserts would have been gone forever. My sisters Pam and Chris and I would not have known if Mom’s books were being appreciated like they are going to be now.

It gives me and my sisters peace of mind knowing Mom’s books are in the possession of an incredible and loving person. I know Mom is beaming from above.

And thank you, Victoria for being an absolute angel. And for helping me with my downsizing project.

Link to “A Boy Named Sue” from Johnny Cash’s Live At San Quentin album (1969). Notice how much the prisoners loved this song. The guitar player on the right who smiles when Johnny refers to “a bottle of booze” is Carl Perkins, who wrote Blue Suede Shoes and made it popular.

Senior Online Dating

By Tom Blake – Senior Dating Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

More Insights Into Senior Online Dating

Senior dating issues and senior dating advice and senior love

Last week’s “Online Deal Breakers and Deal Makers” eNewsletter elicited a wealth of comments from our Champs. Today, we include several of those responses.

Gloria emailed, “I found my love on Match.com three-plus years ago. He is turning 85 and I am almost 82. It truly is never too late. We lived 45 minutes apart when we met. We are now living full-time together in Palm Desert (near Palm Springs).”

Cheri, “Your beloved has been gone five months and here you are on a quest for another relationship already? That is quite disheartening to me.”

Tom’s response to Cheri’s comment comes from the above-pictured quote attributed to Elvis Presley, which is in a caption under a photo of Johhny Cash and Elvis on my wall at home:

“Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.”

Often, with older couples who have been together for years, they tell each other that when one passes first, the other should attempt to find a nice mate to help get through the difficult times of grief ahead. It’s kind of a green light each person gives the other. It’s an unselfish thing to do.

Greta and I did that. Does that mean you love your deceased mate less? Hell no; it means you need to make the best of the remaining years remaining. You need to attempt to move forward.

And if any reader thinks writing about this has been easy for me, they’ve got another guess coming. I’m just trying to help.

Larry, a Champ and long-time friend of mine wrote this week, “At our age, you and I may not have three years to let the dust settle. Who knows? No time to wait.”

And Champ Jean commented, “Tom, you are a great guy, and you get it. You deserve a nice, supportive, fun-loving woman. Don’t settle for mediocre. Good luck in your quest for companionship.”

Wayne, “I know how much you loved Greta and the last few months must have been difficult and lonely. On the brighter side, we only have so many years left and there are many nice women who would love your companionship. You are a catch!”

Thyrza, “Everything you stated in last week’s newsletter happened to me. One romance scammer who lived nearby posted a photo of himself that was 20 years old. When we met in person, he looked like he had walked across the Sahara Desert. We met for coffee but weren’t a match.

“There were other negative experiences as well. It takes patience and smartness not to get into a tricky situation. I did not give up until I met my current man.”

Cheryl, “Matt and I met on OK Cupid. What I really liked about that site was the availability of thousands of questions that can be answered. The answers are multiple-choice, but each answer has a space where you can write a comment/explanation of your answer.

“Matt had answered over 400 questions, most of which included an explanation, and I had answered over 600 questions with explanations when we started communicating. So, we already knew much about each other before our initial contact.

“When I was ‘surfing’ the site, I found it very helpful to be able to read responses from guys on certain issues I was concerned about. I could determine ‘deal breakers’ easily and not contact that person. One guy, for example, responded that he likes dogs but ‘not in my house.’ My dogs have always been in my house, so that was an immediate deal-breaker for me.

“No scammer is going to go to the trouble of answering hundreds of questions! They all seem to follow basically the same format of answering a few similar questions typically written in very poor English!”

“I’m glad you’ve decided to jump into online dating. I think the age issue is extremely variable in terms of impact. Some people are old at 50 and others are still young at 80. Our physical status impacts us but so does our attitude!

“Take good care, and I hope you find a loving partner for ‘the rest of the journey.’”

Mary, a woman I started going steady with on January 9, 1955 (68 years ago), set me straight by writing, “After reading through your assessment of dating-meeting websites, I can think of no reason why you would continue. Get out: volunteer. You know the drill.”

Tom’s response to Mary’s comment. After all these years, she’s still trying to set me straight! (said with a grin). I agree that volunteering and other forms of face-to-face activities are important in one’s quest to meet a mate. However, the process of meeting someone in that way can take a great deal of time. And I don’t have time to waste. So sure, do some of those things but cast a wide net. And consider adding internet dating to your repertoire!

One positive of internet dating is that you can reach out to a multitude of people in minutes who fit your criteria (Of course, some or many of them will likely be scammers).

Terri, “I wondered how long it would take you to dive into the dating pool. I wish you the very best of luck, you may well be on the adventure of a lifetime! I hope you share some of those adventures with your Champs.

“I spent six years on dating sites after my divorce (33 years of marriage). It took me from my mid-60s into my 70s. I met some real doozies. I also met several nice men who I still consider to be great friends. I have not been on a dating site for two years. I have a steady date who is wonderful and loyal, and a couple of lovely men who still call me to see if their luck might have changed.

“Match.com is a good place to start and still the best place that we have to meet other singles and potential friends. Good luck and my best to you.”

Barb, “I gave up on online dating. One guy I met professed to be Catholic and fully following the teachings. After we communicated for several months, I spent most of the day visiting him. He picked me up at the airport. After getting into his vehicle, his first words were, ‘I went to the VA to get tested, and I’m clean, good to go.”

“I responded, ‘If that’s your idea of a first date, you can take me back to the airport. After the air was cleared, we had an enjoyable day. No romantic connection, but we are still texting friends.”

Althea, “From your newsletter last week, I can see that your loneliness is getting to you. So, you joined Match.com. Welcome to frustration and disappointment. I think the biggest red flags and the people to stay away from are the ones who are over the top and obsessed on any subject…politics, religion, looks, weight, age, exes, their family, and pets…run fast.

“I bet your next honey will be the woman you bump into at the supermarket or park or walking down the street…maybe paddle boarding? Or a friend says, ‘I have someone I want you to meet.’”

Judith, “Five years after my husband of 45 good years passed, I was ready for a new guy. We met on Match and after months of dates and talks, we became a couple. We’ve been together for five years and share good times. We both have our own homes but spend nights together. Thanks for your words of wisdom.”

Laurie Jo, “Regarding online dating, I never found a match and I dated like it was a job. Had up to three coffee dates a day. Kept notes.

“I was the target of a scam that wasn’t obvious at first. This person invested a lot of time on the phone with me. But it all became clear when he was ‘stuck in UAE due to customs taking his gemstones’ and he needed $2,000.

“I said, ‘Not my problem’ and he never called again.”

Elenute emailed, “I’ve been on dating sites for six years. SilverSingles is a terrible site: over 90% of what I’ve received are scams. I’m getting pretty good at sorting them out. I’m ready to cancel the two dating sites I’m on when my subscriptions run out.”

Tom’s ending remarks: From the comments above, there is little doubt that online dating for people 50-plus is a huge challenge. All sites have scammers. Profile pictures often aren’t current. I noticed that some women make an honest effort to put “date picture taken” captions under their photos. I wrote to some of those women and thanked them for being honest about their pictures.

Which senior dating sites are the best? I found an article dated March 3, 2023, in a San Francisco Bay area local newsletter called The Daily. The article is titled, “10 Best Senior Dating Sites for Mature Singles Over 40.”

That article does a thorough job of ranking the sites. Perhaps read it and study the reviews. Here’s the link:

https://www.sfgate.com/market/article/best-senior-dating-sites-17242542.php

As I wrote last week: Remember, it only takes finding the right one for you. Easier said than done, but don’t give up trying.

Senior Dating – Make A List – Divorced or Widowed

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 10, 2023
Make A List By Columnist Tom Blake

Make A List – Senior Dating – Divorced or Widowed

A senior single woman doesn’t want to be compared to a deceased wife

Joan (not her real name) emailed this week, “I have been a reader of your column for years.”

I was curious how long Joan had been an eNewsletter (I call my readers Champ). I found emails in the archives that she sent in 2011 and 2012.
So, yes, she’s been reading my articles for at least 11 years.

Joan continued, “I recently joined a dating site and am 77 and find that most widowed men seem to start out telling you something like this: ‘I lost the love of my life after a blah blah number of years. We were so happy but now she is gone, and I am looking for someone else.’

“As a woman, am I wrong in taking this to mean they are looking for a replacement for this deceased wife, and will I be compared to how she was?
“What should I think? I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship being compared. I suppose that would be the case also with someone being divorced, right?

“What is your take, Tom, am I being overly sensitive?”

Tom’s answer to Joan:

I think you are caught up in semantics. Widowers and divorced men are not looking for a replacement. That’s not the right word. Rather, they are looking for a new mate, a new opportunity, and a new beginning. Someone to break the loneliness spell that descends upon people—men and women—who have suffered a loss.

They are filling a void and an emptiness that has entered their lives. Note that I said, and women. All are trying to move forward, not replace, and they mean no disrespect to their deceased partner.

Will these widowers and/or divorced men compare you to their ex’s? Perhaps somewhat, that is only natural. If they didn’t have the pain, their former relationship probably wasn’t a positive one and there would be no comparison. Reminder: this applies to widows and divorced women as well, not just to men.

Sometimes, widowed people match up because they understand what each other has gone through and can openly talk about their deceased spouses to each other without jealousy–as long as, they don’t keep bringing up an ex-partner excessively. If they do, they either aren’t ready to date or don’t place a high enough priority on the new person. Divorced or widowed, both grieve.

How does one not compare, if only slightly, a new person to a former mate of a relationship that endured for up to 40 years or more? Instead of being concerned about a person you meet trying to replace a former love or comparing you to his deceased wife, I recommend you make a written list of 10-12 characteristics that you seek in a new relationship/mate and focus on that.

Tom’s Suggested List (you will likely change the order)

1. He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And, he must be to me
3. We must enjoy being with each other. And feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take recreational drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must be available to see me three or four times a week or whatever amount of time I desire, but not every day, and not 24/7
8. He must be kind and considerate to others
9. We don’t have to have similar interests, but we do need to have similar core values. We must be somewhat in agreement on politics and religion. Don’t screw up a potentially great relationship over these two items.
10. He must be open to having a new relationship enter his life. And we must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates freely to each other.

And then, at the end of your list, remind yourself, as a knowledgeable good friend of mine says, “There is no perfect.” Your new potential love will not score a perfect 10 on every list item, or perhaps not on any item, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a great partner for you.

If you are too worried about being compared to an ex, get over it, and don’t be too judgmental, you might miss an opportunity with Mr. Right for you. So, yes, Joan, I feel you are being a bit too sensitive.

Sit down, make that characteristics-wanted list, and see how a potential mate matches up with the items on your list. Focus on the list, and not on being compared to an ex-spouse. Happy Valentine’s Day to all Champs.

Stranded in Antigua

Francesca and Dan

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 3, 2023
Stranded in Antiqua
By Columnist Tom Blake

Stranded in Antiqua

The June 12, 2020, eNewsletter featured Champs Dan, 75, and Francesca, 73, an unmarried couple in a committed relationship, who met on Match. com in 2018. See their picture above.

In that eNewsletter, Francesca wrote, “We happen to be ‘stranded’ in Antigua (because of Covid), with the only airport having been closed for some time.

“Antigua (a Caribbean island) is undoubtedly the best place to be stranded, but home calls us. (Burbank, California-me; Lake Arrowhead, California area-Dan).” I asked Francesca in 2020 if she’d share her and Dan’s “being stranded” experience with our Champs.

She agreed. Francesca said, “When we realized we weren’t going home in April as planned, we didn’t have to change our accommodations. We were able to pay rent on a month-to-month basis. We’ve had to stay more than an additional two months.

“Dan has a small medical billing business; he can take his work with him as long as there’s wi-fi and Internet, which I can use. It’s been an adventure here.

“For the last three years, Dan has rented a one-bedroom apartment in Antigua during the winter months. He lives in the San Bernardino Mountains and likes to get away to a warm climate, away from the snow and ice.

“Dan arrived in Antigua in mid-January, with a return ticket to LA on April 8. For the past two years, I’ve joined him for the last month of his stay. I arrived on March 4, planning a month of enjoying the island and relaxing on the beach. But then COVID-19 came along, and things changed.

“In late March, to contain the virus, the Antiguan government closed all entry points to the island, including the one and only airport. They then put into place numerous severe restrictions, the most difficult of which was a 24-hour curfew where we couldn’t leave our hotel except for trips to the grocery store. We couldn’t go to the beach. Antiguans boast that they have 365 beaches; every one of them was closed.

“It was rough going for a while. Especially hard was that we have a beautiful little beach within a 15-minute walk from our place, but we couldn’t even ‘visit’ it, let alone enjoy swimming and snorkeling. Eventually, they lifted the curfew hours; but it was in effect from 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. We were able to visit our beach and swim and snorkel as much as we wanted.

“We still had inconveniences with groceries and such. We’re in a ‘hotel,’ but it’s really an apartment complex, with 10 one-bedroom apartments, each with a full kitchen. We didn’t have too much trouble with groceries when I first arrived. The closest grocery store is about a mile away. We don’t have a car, so I used to walk there every few days to pick up a couple of things that we needed. It was a nice walk and good exercise.

“Then, it got tough. Getting groceries became a major planning event. We couldn’t walk there anymore; the only way to get to the store on foot was a 3.5-mile trek one-way. Since we didn’t have a car, we paid Mr. Hunt, the maintenance man at our hotel, to drive us to the store. We could no longer decide on the spur-of-the-moment to go pick up a few things.”

“At one point during our stay, the grocery stores were only open from 7 a.m. to noon, so we had to make sure we got there early. The first time I went to the grocery store when those hours were in effect, there was a huge line of people waiting to get into the store. They were letting in only a few at a time, and they were giving out numbers.

“Some people waited three hours to get in. I had been told there was a ‘senior line,’ so I played the senior age card and had to wait only about 10 min. “However, and I didn’t know this at the time, they had placed a limit on how long you could be in the store. About 10 minutes into my shopping trip, a burly security woman walked around the store yelling that we had only five minutes left of our 15-minute allotment. At that point, I ran around the store trying to pick up as many items as I could from our long list. What an experience!

“In 2019 when I was here, we went out to restaurants and enjoyed the island reggae, but, of course, this year’s been a different story: no restaurants or bars are open. The good news is that takeout became available, and they’re planning on reopening restaurants and bars next week. Masks and social distancing are required, of course.

“We initially thought that running out of prescription medication was going to be a problem, but it has turned out to be easier than we expected, and it’s been a real eye-opener. There’s a little pharmacy in town where luckily, we’ve been able to get most of our medications, even the prescription meds. For the most part, you don’t need prescriptions here, and the meds cost a fraction of the cost back in the States.

“Antigua seems to have the virus under control now because the restrictions have been so effective. There were only 25 confirmed cases in all and only three deaths. They confirmed recently that there is only one active case on the island. That person is currently hospitalized but will soon be released. The threat of exposure is low, but, of course, when we’re in public, we still need to wear masks and maintain social distancing.”

“If someone tests positive, they’ll be isolated. If they test negative, they will be able to go to their hotel, but they will have their temperature taken every day to ensure they aren’t symptomatic. The government is also planning on randomly re-testing those who tested negative.

“Dan and I are looking forward to getting home, but we’ll miss this island. I will particularly miss that beautiful little beach near us.”

I asked Francesca in 2020 how the extended, confined stay affected their relationship. She replied, “As with any couple living in close quarters for any length of time, we had our moments. Thankfully, this apartment is a one-bedroom. However, the relationship is stronger. The quarantine allowed us to have more adventures together in a very different place. We’ll always have those memories: swimming out to our special beach, savoring Caribbean dishes we’d never heard of, and much more. And we’ll smile.

“We hope to come back next year, but (said with a wink), maybe not for such a long time.”

“With the airport finally reopened, we flew back to Los Angeles, yesterday.

Nearly 3 years later an update on Dan and Francesca

I had been wondering how the relationship faired after being confined with each other for a couple of months. Are they still together? Dan is now 78 and Francesca is 76.

Francesca emailed an update last week, “One wonderful, joyous day last October, 39 dear friends, and family helped us celebrate our marriage. It took place in Laughlin, Nevada on a large ‘steamboat’ slowly sailing down the Colorado River, with everyone enjoying dinner, dancing, and lots of drinks!”

Wow, that’s good news for two of our Champs! Today’s story explains the two photos shown above. I love the one on the right side of their special day.

Tom Blake PublishingDana Point, CAtompblake@gmail.com
click on link below toFinding Love After 50 website
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