| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 28, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake |
| Responses to You Talk Too Much (on a first date) First date etiquette There were multiple responses to last week’s eNewsletter about Susan’s claims that men talk too much about themselves on first dates. Thirteen (4 men, 9 women) responses appear in today’s column. Rhonda, “Although I’m older (68), I have a lot in common with Susan, and I have also been following you for many years. I, too, have been on my own for 12 years and am disenchanted with online dating. I’ve tried different platforms, as you suggested, and even spent money on eHarmony for a full year. “I was told it’s the best senior online dating site–expensive but worth it. It didn’t work that way for me – people from way out of the area and a few dates here and there who, yes, talked almost exclusively about themselves. “As much as I tried to talk just a bit about me, it seemed like the man would dial back to something about HIM. It’s fairly apparent when someone doesn’t seem very interested in what you’re saying, and off they go about themselves. I have some interesting traits and things to discuss (I’m a triplet, for example), but it just gets brushed aside. Strange. “Are these guys nervous? It’s possible, but they do seem pretty relaxed. Maybe too relaxed? Ditto for the lack of response when texting sometimes. I will text a hello, a joke, or a little something, and get no reaction but simply a picture of his dinner! Huh? “Is it possible that many guys in our age group know there are more women seeking their attention, so they become complacent? I wouldn’t tolerate this one-sidedness from a guy who is trying to win me over. “I am hopeful there must be SOMEONE out there for me so I’ll keep the faith. I volunteer, play Pickleball and am active and fun. I’m trying, but it’s frustrating. Tom, San Juan Capistrano, “I’m 64, live in San Juan Capistrano, and I’ve been single for 13 years. I ride mountain bikes with a group of very friendly, mature people. I’ve learned how to socialize better and communicate since joining the group. It’s helped me take an interest, ask questions, and listen to what a person is saying. This helps me relax on a date.” Marianne, “This is the first time I’ve replied to your eNewsletter. I’ve had the same experience as Susan. I have been on over 30 dates using Match.com and all the men talked about themselves incessantly on the first date. They may be nervous. However, I think they treat the first date as a job interview because they really don’t know another way to have a conversation. “It’s disappointing that men our age lack the skills to carry on a mutually stimulating conversation on a date. I have done what Tom suggested and interrupted to make my own comments about what he has said, or I’ve bluntly said “My turn” with a smile. “I always speak to a potential date on the phone first, and the conversation flows easily. It is puzzling why it is more awkward for men in person. Perhaps, in-person conversation skills are a lost art because of texting, which everyone seems to rely on these days. Texting your thoughts is a one-way conversation that doesn’t’ require sitting in front of a real-life person looking into their eyes for understanding or acknowledgement. “My advice for Susan is keep going on dates and understand that your dates may be nervous. However, break into the conversation and talk about what you are interested in, and see how the conversation goes from there.” Joanie, “Tom why don’t you start off with 10 questions to ask on a first date to try to get to know someone? Many folks talk too much about non-meaningful subjects (their new car, what trips they have been on, etc.)–subjects that don’t contribute to getting to know each other. So, the relationship never gets off the ground.” Cheryl, “Champ Susan is spot on with her why men don’t ask questions! I have been dating for 20 years. I am a great conversationalist, have a good sense of humor, and am educated and attractive. Yet 99% of men talk about themselves during the entire date. I’ve asked men, ‘Do you want to know anything about me?’ Often, I must push my way into a conversation and say something about me that’s pertinent to what he’s saying. “Sometimes I articulate clearly, but humorously, something like, ‘I hope we’re not going to spend the entire time talking about Medicare!’ I have tried everything, and the result is always the same: the man goes right back to the subject he was talking about (himself), as though I hadn’t even spoken. There is NOTHING amiss about Susan. It’s the men who need help. “They never learned the art of conversation, or the etiquette involved. They’ve never learned how to be genuinely interested in a woman’s life. Mostly, they are busy wondering if they are going to get sex tonight or if they’re wasting their time with me. They are simply not present on the date.” John, “I agree with Susan about finding the right prince who understands balance in conversations, as you pointed out so she could share her experiences, views, and perspectives on things with a potential mate. “Asking questions about each other leads to information to build upon for compatibility. I hope she eventually finds the right prince among us frogs, especially in a nice area like Dana Point. Belinda, Ajijic Mexico, “Like Susan, I’m 63. I’ve had several long-term relationships and a 22-year marriage over the last 45 years. I spent six years on Match with no dates. All the men I expressed an interest in did not reciprocate my interest. I met two guys on EHarmony. Neither were right for me. Zoosk had better results for me as far as the amount of men to meet, but because it’s a free service (or was), there are a lot of ‘questionable’ men on the site: Married, Nigerian Scammers, etc. “Same problems on Facebook, Yahoo, and especially on Plenty of Fish. I spent years searching actively and I finally gave up. It will need to happen organically now, if it happens at all. Tell Susan I’ve also had those dates where the men just run off at the mouth about themselves and never want to know anything about me. It’s exhausting. I wish her well.” Joel, 80, newly widowed, said, “Having spent years on Match.com up to 2012, finding the perfect mate, getting married and then widowed, I’m back as a widower in 2025. “What I heard back then and hear now from women is that many, if not most, of the men they meet are like the ones Champ Susan met. They spill their guts and don’t seem interested in her. “Knowing this, I go into an interview (a first meeting is NOT a ‘date’) with questions based on what a woman’s online profile says. A recent prospect told me many things about her life, wishes and hopes, her politics, her activities, etc. We talked for 1 ½ hours. “She told me I was unusual, special, and that I would be very appealing to any women I meet because I ask questions. She said she had never met a man so interested in her. I was encouraged. In my follow-up phone call, she said she wanted to ask me questions because she was taken aback. “She said, ‘I was so caught up I didn’t think to ask you about anything.’ I said, ask away, and she did. Turned out she either wasn’t interested in me or, maybe, anyway, at this point, so I told her to let me know if she changed her mind. “Men will do much better if they learn about active listening and go into any first meeting with a prospect armed with questions and the desire to get to know her. You will stand out as unusual and you will learn enough to decide whether to go forward. “Here’s good place to start developing a new approach (this will work for women as well): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening Julie (in Florida), “I found Susan’s email and your response both fascinating and thought-provoking. Your point about the men possibly being nervous is well-taken. The pressure of a first date, especially in the context of online dating, can be incredibly daunting. However, I also wonder if Susan’s own approach might inadvertently contribute to the one-sided conversations she’s experiencing. “Your suggestion of a therapist is excellent. Exploring potential communication patterns or subconscious expectations could provide valuable insights. It’s also worth considering that the dating landscape has changed dramatically, and Susan’s experiences might reflect the challenges inherent in online interactions – the lack of immediate nonverbal cues can make it difficult to gauge genuine interest or build rapport. “I especially appreciate your new “Ask the Therapist” feature – it’s a wonderful addition to your newsletter. “My own experience, at 73 and recently widowed, mirrors Susan’s apprehension. The dating world feels vastly different now, and the added layer of online scams presents a real concern. “Navigating this requires a balance of cautious optimism and self-awareness. Perhaps Susan could explore alternative ways to meet people outside of online dating, focusing on activities and social groups that align with her interests. This could lead to more organic and authentic connections.” Shelley, “Susan is correct. Most men at this age talk about themselves and are only thinking about their agenda. Maybe they are trying to impress us but just want the prize with no investment in who you are as a person. They just need attraction and a nice smile from you. Very shallow. I’ve gone on plenty of dates and know this to be true.” Dee: “Susan thinks very highly of herself and likes being single. She doesn’t really need a man. She knows (not thinks) she’s gorgeous from her self-description. Perhaps she comes off to the men as I saw her; self-absorbed. Good luck Susan and all those lucky men who she chooses to go out with.” Jackie, from Georgia, “I remember being on a dating site and the guy called me and talked nonstop for 2 hours. WHY I stayed listening was beyond me with his comment – “Next time you can do all the talking. I was too worn out to want another time to talk. He called one time and said, ‘Oh, the wrong Jackie!’ “I agree with you that getting out and especially enjoying Dana Point. The Harbor is inviting. Who knows who you might meet at Costco? My sister and I ran into you there a few years ago. “I’ve dated four widowers since Randy passed and they only had marriage on their mind. For me, friendship was what I was enjoying. I’d tell Susan to enjoy her freedom! I hope you can help people with your new – ‘Ask the Therapist’ I’ve had my share of counseling in my day! Elenute “It’s not bad to give people the benefit of the doubt, as you do, Tom. Yes, they might be nervous, etc., but they are also revealing who they are. I’ve dated a lot of men, and some of them really don’t understand that conversation should be a two-way street. It’s very hard to find one who does. Even then, watch out for narcissists. Comment from Tom: Three men emailed me, asking if I thought Susan would be willing to meet them for coffee. I let her know. And I believe she may have agreed. Remember, I’m not a matchmaker, but it seems that it might have happened this week. When Champs email me, it’s important they include their city where they live and their approximate age. Ask The Therapist Dear Debbie, “What can senior men do to prepare themselves for a first date so they don’t talk too much about themselves? Great question! I’d also include what women can do to prepare for a first date. First impressions matter, so basic grooming—showering, deodorant, flossing, and dressing comfortably and appropriately—is essential. It may seem obvious, but both men and women sometimes overlook these details. For online dating, I found it helpful to get to know someone through messages before meeting. Texting and phone conversations reveal a lot—sense of humor, availability, flexibility, values, and common interests—all of which can help determine compatibility before agreeing to a date. Preparation also includes a good night’s sleep, a positive attitude, and being on time. Regarding last week’s topic of talking too much, I often attribute it to nerves. If there’s a connection, I’ll go on a second date to see if that’s the case. On the date, ask open-ended questions, (e.g, if you could change one trait about yourself, what would it be? If your best friend could choose an adjective(s) to describe you what would it (they) be? What does your ideal weekend look like?), make eye contact, and practice active listening. If one person dominates the conversation, try summarizing what they said and asking a follow-up question—this keeps the conversation balanced and engaging. Debbie Sirkin, LMFT, does not provide any psychological or other health-related services or advice to individuals within the newsletter, and even when responses to questions are answered in the second person as a literary device, they are general and hypothetical, and not intended to be personal for the questioner. Answers are for general information only, and never constitute advice for any individual. Under no circumstances does Ms. Sirkin provide legal advice or medical advice. |
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