 On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – January 10, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake False Hope – A Champ’s Dilemma The names of the people in this eNewsletter have been changed by request. Last week, Champ Ann emailed me, saying, “I need advice. A woman friend named Judy, who lives nearby, recently mentioned to me that she had a conversation months ago with Ben, a neighbor whose wife has had Alzheimer’s for 10 years. The wife requires 24/7 care. Ben told Judy that he takes care of his wife with the help of several other caregivers. “Judy raves about Ben’s dedication to his wife. He refuses to put her in a care home She is expected to pass in 2025. Ben admitted to Judy that he was lonely. “This was months ago. I told Judy to give Ben my phone number, as I am lonely as well and maybe he and I could meet occasionally for coffee. I didn’t hear anything until Christmas Day 2024 when I got a call from Ben. “We had a nice conversation and agreed to meet the Saturday after Christmas at my house for coffee. I understood–it would be too awkward to meet at his home. I made sure my friends knew I was having company. I already knew he was very kind, loved his wife and did not want to put her in a home, although it would have been easier to do so. It’s quite a challenge for him to care for her even though he has lots of help. “On Saturday, Ben came to my home. We talked for hours. I liked him right away. That is how we got together, neither of us expected an attraction. When he left, he kissed me twice. “On Sunday, I attended a party with my grief support group and didn’t check my phone until later. Ben had left a message, saying he wanted to pick me up and have a bite to eat. I had eaten already so I invited him to come over for a glass of wine, which he did. I was happy to see him. He brought a bottle of wine and again, we talked, but mostly with him talking. I sensed that he needed to do that. “Suddenly, he pulled me close and kissed me a few times and said, ‘You are my girlfriend,’ and almost immediately he released me and said, ‘No, we need to take it slow.’ I think he scared himself and withdrew. I also said we needed to take it slow, and we needed to be honest about it. He left not too long after that; I didn’t think too much about it. We agreed to try to see each other Monday, the following night. “He told me that one of the caregivers may not make it and that meant he would have to do the shift for caring. However, if the caregiver did come, then he’d be available, and he and I would do something together. “Monday, I didn’t hear anything, so, in the evening I sent a text saying hi and were the plans for tonight still on. “I got a text back saying that he had to care for his wife and had the 6 pm to 2 am shift. ‘Sorry’ is how he ended that text. Five minutes later he sent a text saying, ‘I apologize for sounding so cold.’ “His reaction took me aback. Minutes later I sent a text saying that I understood his responsibility and that I was having a glass of wine. “Ben answered, ‘You are a special lady’ and he was having a beer. “On New Year’s Eve, he texted me to come over as he was in his hot tub and made it a point of saying in his birthday suit. That didn’t bother him. “I declined politely. It would feel wrong to be in his house when his wife was in another part of the house, and me making out with her husband. I haven’t heard anything from him since then. “So now, Tom, I am stuck, what happens next?” I will not text anymore. His ‘special lady’ comment feels like there is a ‘but’ coming after it. Something like, ‘I cannot have this friendship with you’ or ‘I thought I was ready.’ “Fill in the blanks, I don’t know what to think and maybe I am making too much out of this. Maybe he drew back to give himself time, or maybe he scared himself with his intimate outburst. “Partners who take care of terminally ill partners who have been sick for a long time must want to get out and socialize, but they might feel guilty doing so. “Ben is attractive to me, not so much his looks but his kindness. I want that and I want him but now my fear of rejection and loss has set in. “I am so sad and feel so alone with tears on this last day of the year.” Ann’s Update On the day after New Year’s Day, Ben sent a text to Ann that he had written on the day after their second date at her home. He wrote, “Hi Ann, thank you for the special time we had together last night. You’re a precious, compassionate and very kind person, however I spent a lot of time last night thinking about our relationship and where it’s heading. I realized I’m just not ready at this time as I have so many responsibilities that require my full attention, mainly my wife. You and I agreed to be honest with each other. “I sincerely apologize as I know this will hurt you and it’s the last thing I want for you. Maybe later in the future as my situation changes, we can continue our companionship but only God knows that. “Your close friend, Ben” Ann said, “I didn’t mean to fall in love, I just did and followed the cues from Ben. Remember, I didn’t go to his house to join him in the hot tub. That felt wrong. Ben is so lonely. Many of us deal with that and I still deal with that.” Tom’s Thoughts Ann is devastated. She fears he won’t contact her again. She sent me several emails saying how sad she was and should she respond to him. Two similar situations happened to her in the past, which is likely why she is taking this rejection so hard. I told her I am not a therapist, so I don’t have the answers, but that she probably shouldn’t contact him. Let him stew on it. But then, after receiving several sad emails from her, I suggested that maybe she should contact him to tell him that she respects him, but the ball is in his court. And I suggested to Ann that she should consider contacting a therapist about why she is so devastated. What do you Champs think? |
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