A Senior Night at the ER

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 25, 2024
A Night at The ER
By Columnist Tom Blake (with assistance) 
Note from Tom. I had help from Debbie, my partner of 18 months, writing this eNewsletter. Soon, you will understand why.

Last Friday night Debbie and I were heading out for dinner at 5:30 p.m. My car was parked at the curb outside my home. I walked four feet in front of her to open the passenger-side door. Much to my horror, she tripped on a patch of uneven Korean grass and fell face-first hard on the concrete sidewalk. 

Her water bottle and purse went flying. The right side of her body, particularly her right breast and face, took the hit. She didn’t scream but she let out a loud sound of agony. The dogs belonging to our neighbors across the street could not see us, but upon hearing Debbie’s moans, started emitting a mournful noise. They could sense that something was terribly wrong. 

With all the medical issues that Debbie has endured in the last five months–painful breast cancer removal and reconstructive surgery, radiation, loss of estrogen, hot flashes, endless doctor visits, and physical therapy–to see her writhing in pain curled up on the sidewalk, I felt so bad I nearly went into shock.

When you love someone, and see them so compromised, it takes a toll on your entire psyche. It took over three minutes to get her gingerly onto her feet. 

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” she proclaimed. With a reddish-blue bump forming over her right eye, I didn’t think she was okay. There was no blood, however, which was a positive sign. Debbie asked me to get her an ice bag to put above her eye. Fortunately, she didn’t break her hip. 

Debbie is a tough cookie. While holding the ice bag above her eye, she said, “Let’s head for dinner.” I said, “I don’t think so. Are you sure?” She insisted. We got carefully into the car and I started to drive. My mind was racing. Should we even go to a restaurant? Or should we change to a drive-through eatery? Debbie solved my dilemma by saying, “Do you think the Urgent Care around the corner is still open?”

Debbie always puts a positive spin on life. She kids a lot. Next, she added, “I hear they have great dinner specials at Urgent Care. And it’s early, so it’s probably not too busy yet.” (She was kidding of course).

She asked if I had called ahead for a reservation (still kidding). At this point, the small “egg” had grown over her eye. I headed for Urgent Care, two blocks away. Fortunately, they were still open, but unfortunately, in the case of a head injury, or possible traumatic brain injury, they send you to a hospital ER, where there is more sophisticated equipment. We looked at each other and agreed. “We are going to the ER at Mission Hospital.” 

(Debbie’s reason for us going to the ER was that about two years ago, she fell off an 8’ ladder onto the concrete floor in her garage, and because she didn’t hit her head, only her back, and she had little pain, she thought, ‘good no concussion’, and decided not to go to the ER that time. However, she recently discovered that in that fall she had a fracture in her L4 area, and she didn’t want to risk any future back medical issues). 

The ER 

We arrived at Mission Hospital ER at about 6 p.m. There were seven ambulances parked nearby with their rear emergency doors open. When we entered the waiting room area, the room was 3/4 full of people of all ages, both patients and people who had accompanied the patients. Several health technicians and security personnel were scurrying around trying to be as helpful and efficient as possible. 

Upon checking Debbie in, the staff made Debbie a top priority due to the potential brain injury caused by her fall. I heard an announcement that went throughout the ER saying ‘Code X, brain trauma patient checking in.’ We were told we’d be at the ER for at least two hours. During our time in the waiting room, Debbie was summoned several times as staff members came and escorted her to labs, an EKG, X-rays, and CAT scans. The ER was a busy place on that Friday night. Six people were checking new patients in.

Debbie is a Psychotherapist. She analyzes and assists people for a living. Together, we watched the new people arriving. To help pass the time while waiting and take the edge off her situation, we exchanged thoughts on what the other patients were dealing with.

This, of course, involved much eavesdropping, observing, and filling in the blank’s guesswork. We first focused on a young woman and her male companion who arrived shortly after us. There were no obvious medical issues that we could see about her, but she was crying. We didn’t know what was going on with her until four hours later, she was united with a baby boy, perhaps her son or nephew. 

Most new arrivals were escorted by one or two family members or friends. A few people were alone. One was a man, 50ish, 6’2’, seated by himself. He was wearing high-top tennis shoes with untied shoelaces. Debbie told me that not tying one’s shoelaces is one of the latest fads among hip people these days. (I’m so out of touch in my older years).

Another young man wearing a football uniform had a makeshift cast on his arm. He had likely been injured in a Friday Night Lights football game. He was whisked through the waiting room to somewhere deeper in the hospital. We saw at least 25 new patients check in. 

At 10:15 p.m., Debbie was relocated to the main emergency room area where a doctor would review all her results from the tests she had endured. I was allowed to be with her. That is also the area where patients on gurneys are wheeled in. Twice, people were wheeled into the hallway strapped on gurneys being escorted by armed Orange County Sheriff officers with guns at their sides. Heaven only knows what had transpired with those two dudes. 

All of Debbie’s tests came back ok. Most importantly, the CAT scan showed no brain bleeding. The doctor said it would feel like a truck hit her, especially her sore breast that she had landed on, and that she should take it easy for a week but would feel discomfort for as long as a month. Debbie was released from the hospital at 11:30 p.m. We made it home by midnight. Our dinner date lasted six hours, but we didn’t eat a meal. I had a protein bar from the hospital cafeteria.
 
How is she feeling now, seven days later? She said, “I have a concussion. My head is still in a fog, and my right breast still hurts and it’s painful when I take a deep breath.” 

Lessons Learned From Debbie 

Debbie said, “Seniors must always be mindful of their surroundings, such as curbs, stairs, and uneven surfaces. 

“Plus, seniors must ensure they seek medical help when they’ve had a mishap, even when they feel they are ok.”


ER rooms aren’t exactly party time
(photo by Tom Blake)

Senior Sex and Physical Attraction

Where is senior sex ranked on your list?
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 18, 2024
Is Senior Sex On Your List?
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Where does Senior Sex rank on your list? 

There were many responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter regarding the senior romance and marriage of Ray and Libby Freer, who found each other 73 years after knowing each other as kids. All responses were positive, with glowing comments about how much Champs appreciated the story. 

For example, Carolyn emailed, “We all absolutely loved reading this amazing senior love story. They are an incredibly beautiful couple.” 

Surprisingly, the story also inspired some senior relationship questions. Two questions stood out. One was about senior sex/physical attraction. The other was about 12 characteristics to ponder when seeking a senior mate. 

Senior Sex 

Ray’s comments, before he met Libby, triggered the sex/physicality topic. He diplomatically stated, “It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother.” 

“It is just my impression, but the relationship becomes more emotional when a couple starts sleeping together. At some level, that implies more commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.  

“The other side of that is I am picky, so that is also frustrating. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’ 

Christine Baumgartner (Christine@theperfectcatch.com), one of our Champs and a Dating and Relationship coach said, “As Ray mentioned, sex is a ‘hot topic’ at this stage in our lives. I repeat my previous offer to discuss sex with any of our Champs should they have questions about it, they can email me.” Wow, that in itself is a ‘hot offer.’

One Champ, name withheld by request, a divorced mother of three, took a firm stance about senior sex, “I won’t have sex with a man until we are married.”
I suggested to her that most men I know—in fact, all men I know–wouldn’t be willing to wait that long. Hence, she’s likely missing out on some good men who would be terrific mates.

And what happens if a couple waits on intimacy, postponing the joys sex can bring, and then marries, only to discover they are sexually incompatible? Do they undo the wedding? Or, do they simply live unhappily in frustration?  

One guy Champ raised senior first-date questions. He said, “What’s the senior first-date etiquette? Let’s say you’ve enjoyed being with each other and both the man and the woman feel instant chemistry. Is a kiss on the lips acceptable? Or would the woman feel that was rushing the relationship?

A cheek peck is better than a handshake, but that’s lame. A good hug sends a warm signal. What’s okay on the first date?” He also added, “How long should a couple wait to be intimate? I’ve heard that some couples make love the first time they are together. That seems risky.” And one more question. “If the first-date attraction is not there, can it grow as two people get to know each other better?” 

Champ Julie, twice married, now divorced commented on the above question, “I believe attraction can grow. I can be attracted to a wide variety of looks and feelings in a person. Personality affects it. A man making me laugh changes the game completely. 

“Meeting someone for the first time can be about the place I am in my head. In the early years after my divorce, I may have been craving a crush-like fantasy but wasn’t open or available to my dates.”

Julie added that she hasn’t been out on a date lately, but she does feel attraction can grow. She’s waiting for attraction to grow, now all she needs is to meet a guy she likes with whom to grow it. 

Champ Greg emailed about a first date he had with a woman. He said that each having had a glass of wine relaxed them both and the date ended with an on-the-lips kiss. Their senior first-date attraction grew and grew. I plan to share their exciting senior love story soon. 

A few Champs asked for a copy of the List of 12 Characteristics sought in a mate that Ray referred to last week. I retrieved the list from the archives and included it below. It’s only a suggested list; your list might be different and have a different order of importance.  

Tom’s Suggested List of 12 Characteristics Women Might Seek in a Mate (and vice versa for men)
 1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect 
2. I am physically attracted to him. And he is to me 
3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable 
4. He must not smoke or take drugs 
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses 
6. He takes care of his health 
7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week
8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values 
9. He must be kind and considerate of others
10. We must agree on politics 
11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots nor closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs 
12. He must be emotionally prepared to have a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to.

If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person likely isn’t for me. 

In Memoriam

On September 27, I wrote about couples who are aging well. Included in that article was our Champ Joel who was quoted about how blessed he is to have met Wendy in 2012 and married her in 2018.

Tragically, on October 6, Wendy passed away after being hospitalized for two weeks with an unexpected recurrence of a previous illness.
Joel, of course, is devastated. We Champs send our prayers to Joel–and Wendy. Many of us have been down a similar path and understand the huge window in Joel’s heart. God Bless you, Joel.

A Senior Love Story

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – October 11, 2024
A Senior Love Story
By Columnist Tom Blake 
In August 2021, Ray Freer, 80, a widower, moved from Park City, Utah, where he had lived for 30 years, to Laguna Woods Village, a 55-plus private community of approximately 18,000 residents in Orange County, California.

He moved to Laguna Woods because he loves to play tennis. I was introduced to Ray by my friend and fraternity brother, Tom Brunkow. Tom and I met 67 years ago in 1957, as freshmen in the Beta Theta Pi fraternity at DePauw University, in Greencastle, Indiana.

Tom Brunkow is in the DePauw Athletic Hall of Fame for his tennis accomplishments. Ray has won multiple tennis tournaments and through tennis is how they met. 

Ray signed up for my eNewsletter on December 21, 2021. Emails Ray sent me over three years are included below. 

Ray’s December 21, 2021, email Ray wrote, “Went to a dance. I found it very awkward. On either side of me were a married woman and that sort of protected me. They were not on the market. Across the table were six unattached women. That intimidated me.   

“I play racket sports (Tennis, Paddle and Pickleball). There are lots of attractive women doing that, which makes it easier for me to talk to them one-on-one.  “In Laguna Woods almost everyone is friendly. I haven’t connected with a woman yet. I am sure my time will come. If lightning strikes, I will pursue it wholeheartedly. “Octogenarian (80) Ray of Hope.”

Ray’s April 11, 2022, email Ray emailed “Life here in Laguna Woods is good and getting better. There are quite a few LATs (living apart together couples) here.  

“It’s lonely. I haven’t found anyone, but all is OK. The good thing about the activities is they allow a person to meet others with similar interests before getting deeply involved. The activities provide time and opportunities to meet without commitment. 

“The demographics here in Laguna Woods suggest seven or eight women for each man. Here’s how I estimated the ratio (the numbers are approximations): The population of Laguna Woods is 18,000. Six thousand are men and 12,000 are women. Assuming 5,000 of those men are married, that takes away 5,000 from the 12,000 women. So, 7,000 available women are left with 1,000 available men. 

“Many people have significant others here. Some women, consistent with a lack of interest, just are not available. But that still suggests there are lots of ladies out there.   

“It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother. Many simply avoid the dating scene entirely.” 

Ray’s October 14, 2022, email “It is just my impression, but when a couple starts sleeping together the relationship becomes more emotional. At some level that implies more of a commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.  

“The other side of that is I am picky so that is frustrating as well. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’ 

“I have some lady friends that appeal at one level or another, but it just hasn’t reached the ‘Let’s get physical’ stage a la the Olivia Newton-John record. I suspect it will come but who knows when? It’s a conundrum. 

“The final issue is, while someone might appeal to me, it does not necessarily follow that I would appeal to her. It wouldn’t be her fault if I didn’t float her boat. 

Ray’s February 10, 2023, email “I read your list of 12 characteristics in your eNewsletter. I never made a list of characteristics wanted in a mate, but it makes sense. Also, in concert with your eNewsletter, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary. On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”  

“Regarding your question about my involvement with a person here. I am involved with a gal named Libby. Her father taught me how to play tennis She checks off a lot of the boxes on the list. I keep thinking it might come to pass, but so far, no real heat. She has lived in Laguna Woods for more than 10 years. 

May 2024 In May 2024, My woman friend Debbie and I were invited to dinner at Ray’s home with the Brunkows in attendance. Ray and Libby had become a committed couple. 
Senior marriage at 83

Ray’s September 27, 2024 email “Libby and I married on June 29, 2024. We had lived together for a year and a half. She sold her condo and moved in with me. We have known each other for 74 years. When we were kids, she was a year and a half older than me. When I was in 5th grade she was in 7th, an unbridgeable age gap at the time.  

“Now at the advanced ages of me (83) and Libby (84), the age gap isn’t an issue. I refer to her as a cougar robbing the cradle.  

“I play tennis frequently. Libby walks daily and I join her three days a week. Both of us go to the gym regularly. We are healthy and that is why we married. We simply want to live those twilight years as positively as possible. 

“Your list of twelve questions to discuss to determine compatibility was very helpful. We are so boring. We were similar in answering every question. We appreciate each other and are fortunate to enjoy many of the same things. Your eNewsletter helps many seniors.” 

Tom’s comment: Wow, Ray and Libby’s story shows why single seniors should never give up hope. The coincidence of marrying someone he knew for 73 years is mind-boggling. And exciting.
Ray and Libby Freer wedding June 29, 2024

photo courtesy of Ray and Libby Freer

Sunday Morning Coming Down



Kris Kristofferson autographed photo to Tom Blake 2007
Photo courtesy of Kris Kristofferson
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – October 4, 2024
Sunday Morning Coming Down
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Part 1 – Sunday Morning Coming Down 

In the summer of 1975, Johnny Cash and his wife June Carter Cash invited 17 Victoria Station Restaurant Chain executives and their wives/girlfriends to be their guests at a dual concert at the Sahara Tahoe Resort and Casino at Lake Tahoe.

I was among the 17. Our group was seated in the front row. There were approximately 1,500 people in the room. A little background information will explain Johnny’s connection to Victoria Station.

Johnny loved trains. Victoria Station restaurants were built out of boxcars and cabooses. Johnny was hired to sing the company’s radio commercials and to be our spokesperson because he identified with trains. As the Marketing Director, it was my job to get Johnny signed and later to ensure that Johnny’s experience with us was first class.

I first met Johnny and June in 1975 when I picked them up in a limo at the Coconut Grove Hotel in Miami Beach. My mission was to have them check out our company’s Miami restaurant to convince Johnny to agree to represent us.
In the limo, I heard Johnny mention to June that Kris Kristofferson had bought a toy train for their son John’s fifth birthday. 

Back to the Sahara Lake Tahoe. After the first show, during the intermission, all 17 couples were invited to go backstage. Johnny and June stood together, and I introduced each person to them. I was proud, feeling at least partially responsible for bringing the Cashes and our group together. As we left the backstage area to return to our seats, Johnny pulled me aside and asked, “Tom, what is your favorite song of mine?”

I replied, “Sunday Morning Coming Down.” Johnny said, “Kris Kristofferson wrote that. It’s one of my favorites too.” I smiled and said, “I know Kris wrote it.” At the start of the second show–as Johnny always did–he faced the audience and said, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash.”

And then he pointed at me and said, “Hello, Tom Blake, this song is for you.” He sang, Sunday Morning Coming Down. I was overcome with gratitude.

During the next two years, I was with Johnny and June at least 25 times, usually when they appeared in a city where Victoria Station had a restaurant. We became good friends. That friendship continued for 25 more years. 

Johnny introduced me to Carl Perkins, Larry Gatlin, John Denver, Glen Campbell, Rosanne Cash, and Roger Miller. But I never met Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, or Willie Nelson.
And when Johnny published his “Man In Black” memoir in 1975, he signed–with me standing next to him–the inside front cover of his book with these words:
Hendersonville, Tennessee, August 15, 1975 To Tom Blake, the Best to you
(See photo below)

Johnny and June both passed away in 2003. When I published my book, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” in 2006, I wanted Kris Kristofferson to have a copy of it, because the book describes my relationship with the Cash family, and a chapter is titled “Sunday Morning Coming Down.”

That chapter mentions Kris. I knew how much Johnny cared for him. I asked Rosanne Cash, one of Johnny’s four daughters, if she would provide me with Kris’s snail mail address, which she did, and I mailed Kris a book in 2007. Two weeks later, I was making dinner at Greta’s (my partner of 25 years) house, in San Clemente. Greta went to the mailbox and returned to the kitchen.

Greta said, “You have a package from Kris in Hawaii.” My sisters, Pam and Chris, were on holiday in Hawaii and I thought Kris was Chris my sister, who perhaps had sent me some seashells or chocolates. 

I said to Greta, “Open it.” Greta opened it and exclaimed, “Oh Wow! It’s an autographed picture signed with these words, ‘Thanks, Tom, Peace Kris Kristofferson!’” When she showed it to me, I was thrilled. (See picture that Kris sent me above). 

A couple of years later, Greta and I attended a concert at the San Manuel Casino in Riverside featuring Kris and Merle Haggard performing together. They were awesome, but I had failed to get backstage passes, so we didn’t meet him. Another time, Greta bought me a birthday present– tickets to see Kris performing solo in person at the Disney Theatre in LA. We did not have backstage passes. Again, we didn’t meet him. 

September 24, 2004

A month ago, I mentioned in this eNewsletter that I hoped to attend the unveiling of the Johnny Cash statue in the Nation’s Capitol Building on September 24, 2024. 

But only United States Senators and members of Congress were invited plus about 100 members of the Cash Family. I contacted Rosanne’s manager to see if they might have an extra ticket. He told me the Cash Family ticket allotment was already filled. I surmised that Johnny’s old pals like Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson might secure a couple of those seats. Kris wasn’t there; I don’t know if Willie was. 

This past Sunday morning (coincidentally, a Sunday morning), while checking my computer, I read that Kris, at 88, had peacefully passed away at his home in Maui the day before.

Although I had never met him, I felt a big void. What an incredible person Kris Kristofferson was. A Rhodes Scholar, a graduate of Oxford University, and a professor at West Point. But his grit belonged to Nashville, where he became a janitor for five years to pursue his career of becoming one of the most prolific singers/songwriters in history. Kris followed his heart and touched mine.

Thank you, Kris, for being kind, and caring and, for writing so many classic songs, especially, “Sunday Morning Coming Down.” Your signed photo hangs proudly in my office 17 years after you sent it to me.

The link to “Sunday Morning Coming Down” is below. 

Part 2 Jackson 

Since I mentioned in Part 1 about being in a limo with Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash the first time I met them, I admit I was nervous. To make conversation, (and being aware of how popular their song Jackson was), I told them I was born and raised in Jackson. 

June said, “Oh, Jackson, Tennessee?” I said, “No, Jackson, Michigan.” June said, “That’s nice.” (She wasn’t overly impressed but was very courteous, as always).

 A year later, Johnny said to me, “Do you think Victoria Station would consider building a restaurant named Johnny Cash’s Victoria Station in Jackson, Tennessee?” I said, “I’ll ask. It didn’t happen. We already had restaurants in Memphis and Knoxville, Tennessee. 

I mention Jackson because just last week the man Billy Edd Wheeler, who co-wrote the song Jackson in 1963–that Johnny and June made so popular–died at 91. So, bless Billy Edd Wheeler, Johhny Cash, June Carter Cash, and Kris Kristofferson for their respective contributions to Country music. 

A Link to Sunday Morning Coming Down is below:

https://youtu.be/IRU9i9egr7A
The above photo is the inside cover of Johnny’s memoir, Man In Black, signed by him to me, August 15, 1975. He signed it and then handed it to me standing next to him. We were in the House of Cash recording studio, in Hendersonville, Tenn.