Who pays for the senior date? – On Life and Love after 50

Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date?

On Life & Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 16, 2024

Columnist Tom Blake

Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?

A woman Champ from the Midwest emailed and asked to remain anonymous so I will call her Dawn. She raised a question that’s been around for the 30 years I’ve written about senior dating: Who pays for the date?

And if a relationship develops, how do couples deal with expenses? Who pays for what?

Dawn is involved in a long-distance relationship. Her manfriend lives approximately 2,000 miles away. Long-distance relationships usually have added expenses, mainly the cost of travel to see each other, which Dawn alludes to.

Her email subject line read: “Dating over 60 and many miles apart…”

And then she continued, “I know there are many variables to consider, but given two average-income people, how much is a woman expected to pay?

“Airfare, dinners, hotels, outings, vacations…Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?

“If the man pays for the flight to come visit, is it fair to say the woman pays for the meals and any fun events planned while visiting if they are all initiated by the woman?

“Or if I am the one traveling west, and during my stay I want to eat out at a restaurant out of my norm…because I initiated it, should I be paying for it there?

“There is still a lot to be said for men who are complete gentlemen; opening all doors, standing up at the table when the woman stands up, helping and carrying her coat., etc. These are all so perfectly done for me, always, and I am just trying to understand the money part.

“My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.

“I understand they come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.

“They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.

“Have times changed?

“I don’t want to be a fool in love; I just want to feel supported while in love.”

Tom’s Comments

Who Pays For The Date? has been a controversial topic for years. In my 30-years of writing about senior dating, I’ve written about it several times and I published an eBook in 2009 titled “Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?” Details about the availability of that book are at the end of today’s column.

Back to Dawn’s email. Some of our men Champs may take offense to a few of the sentences.

For example, this one: “Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?”

The question infers that men who are well off should pay for everything. Love and relationships are about sharing. Not about a man paying for everything if he is well off.

And it’s important to note that women who are well off shouldn’t have to pay for everything just because they can.

Three more sentences that could be offensive to men

And then there were three other sentences that some men might find offensive.

1 “My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.”

2 “I understand they (her older women friends) come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.”

3 “They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.”

Regarding sentence #1, some men might suggest she should stop listening to her older female friends who are out of touch with the reality of modern times senior dating. Women pay nothing?

Regarding sentence #2, that her friends who have that attitude come from an era 25-40 years ago, that they can’t relate to dating in their 60s.

Let me tell you how quickly attitudes can change when people from that era suddenly lose their loved one. I speak from experience. I never dreamed that I’d have to relate to dating at my age. I was three years older than Greta and assumed I would pass before her. And suddenly, she was gone. I had to relate to dating in my 80s and no, I wasn’t about to pay for everything.

However, if I initiated the first date, I would pay for everything. Even if I didn’t initiate it. And probably the first few dates.

Regarding sentence #3, if those women lost their husbands, they would never go down the dating path again. Let me tell those women, that after sitting home night after night and being lonely, they might change their tune. Maybe they would go down the dating path again. Of course, if they did, they would have to change their thinking and not be so anti-men.

So, what about senior singles who find a new mate? Who pays what? How is that decided? Through open and honest communication, love for each other, and fairness considered, each couple will develop their guidelines for sharing expenses. A person who is more well off than their partner, and who can do it financially, will often help the partner they care about with the partner’s finances.

However, one thing is certain, neither person will likely pay 100 percent of the expenses.

Will there be occasions when the men will pay more? Of course. And where a woman will pay more. Yes.

My eBook, “Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date?” is available on www.Smashwords.com. Just type in my name in the search box and all the eBooks that I’ve published will appear. The cost for the Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date is $2.39. It can be read online or downloaded to your device.

Smashwords was recently acquired by Draft2digital.com so you may have to go draft2digital.com to purchase the book. Here are the links to both sites.

www.smashwords.com

www.draft2digital.com

Senior dating: Who Pays for the Date?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
August 11, 2023?
Who Pays for The Senior Date By Columnist Tom Blake

Who pays for the senior date?
The man, the woman or do they share?

An email from a long-time Champ inspired today’s eNewsletter.

Cheryl wrote, “I’m 68 and gave up on dating, especially online, because I was getting a lot of overseas scammers and I also experienced a group of men who were classless, meaning, they were cheap.
“I don’t need anyone to pay my way, but in my life, I’ve experienced people who have the means to treat me to the niceties of life and were happy to do it.

“I’m always surprised that women say if a man pays for dinner, the men expect something else, (like a roll in the hay)-so crass. I’m not sure what to think about men who don’t at least buy a drink or a light meal that might make a nice impression. If they don’t, am I to think they might be frugal and the rest of my life with them will be lacking in the things that I enjoy?”

Tom’s response to Cheryl: “I always pay. Sometimes a woman will strongly insist she pays for her own expense on the first date. And if I don’t let her, she will be offended so I let her. However, I’m old-fashioned, I’m very casual when the bill arrives. I’ll break her hand if she reaches for it. That’s how my parents raised me.

Cheryl responded, “I’m glad you shared with me that you pay. I’m not a feminist and also have old-fashioned values even though I have been a businesswoman and savvy real estate and stock investor (only saying this because some of us women are financially stable and not looking to take advantage of men). I guess there’s a group out there who ruins things for everyone.”

This “Who Pays for the Date?” issue has been a concern in senior dating for years. In fact, I wrote and published an ebook titled, “Who Pays for the Date?” in 2009.

In thinking about Cheryl’s “Who Pays” question this week, I went to Smashwords, my online ebook bookstore (the second largest ebook bookstore in the world after Amazon.com), and reread my book.

Humbly I say, it’s a wonderfully entertaining 16-page book and right on the money (pun not intended). Very little has changed in 14 years. I’m offering it to you Champs today for $1.99 (remember it’s an ebook, not a printed book). Most of what I wrote still applies today. See the link to the book at the end of today’s eNewsletter. Here’s a short excerpt from my 2009 book about my personal friend Buddy.

“Since Bobby and the woman were meeting in her neck of the woods, 15 miles from where he lived, he asked her to select the restaurant where they would meet. This was Buddy’s first mistake; he was no longer in control of where he’d be spending his money on a woman he’d never met.
“Early the next morning after their first date, the e-mails started flying my way. Buddy wrote, ‘Nicki has expensive tastes! I would have preferred a coffee shop, but what could I do after I was at the expensive restaurant?’”

Lesson learned. Buddy was foolish for asking Nicki to pick the meeting place. Since he initiated the date, he should have taken control and suggested coffee in a less expensive place. When men are paying for a first date, they shouldn’t give the woman carte blanche to choose where to meet. If a woman offers to pick the place, the man should say, “Thanks for the offer, but I want our date to be special, so I’ll choose the place.”

Champ Jim said, “I think men should pick up the tab on the first few dates and share the costs occasionally after–if the women financially are capable to help. The women don’t need to pick up the bill but going Dutch or at least offering to pay is a start. Some women expect the man to pay it always and never offer to help.”

Tom’s comment: Two weeks ago, I agreed to meet a woman who lived 30 miles away. I was going to her city on another project so I figured I’d multi-task: complete my project and meet a nice new person I’d met online. We agreed on 3:30 p.m. for coffee in her city. I asked her to choose the meeting location. She mentioned a restaurant. I didn’t check on it online, but soon found out it was an elegant, high-class, expensive French restaurant.

My drive to meet her, which normally takes a half hour, took two hours due to traffic problems. So, I needed a glass of wine, not coffee. When I got to the restaurant, I was seated outside at a patio dining table. The woman arrived a few minutes later. Instead of coffee, we each ordered a glass of wine.

Since the restaurant was empty, a waiter kept bugging us about ordering appetizers or an early dinner. I wasn’t hungry; she was. She ordered dinner, fresh sea bass, caught locally. I had a Gazpacho appetizer: $14.00. The bill for our wine, her dinner, my soup, and the tip was $162.43. I paid without batting an eye but cursed at myself for letting this happen.

Lesson learned. Going forward, I will designate the place and that our first date is for “coffee only.”

Three days later, I met a nice woman at a coffee shop near my home. When I got there, she had already bought and paid for her coffee. I got a coffee for me: $3.29. We had a delightful time.

Also in 2009, I was a columnist for The Orange County Register. I quoted an article I had read titled, “Courting Costs Are Yours, Too, Ladies,” by humor columnist Amy Alkon(www.advicegoddess.com). Amy wrote: “If a woman considers herself a man’s equal, her equality shouldn’t evaporate when the check comes. The point here isn’t calculating each person’s outlay to the bent dime. Just that dating shouldn’t send men to the bankruptcy court and women to the mall.”

In that column, I added, “Men want to see a little jingle come from the woman’s purse to help contribute to the exorbitant cost of dating.”

Tom’s 5 tips in 2023 on who should pay for the senior date

1 On a first date, the man should almost always pay. No matter if the woman wants to pay her half. However, the man should designate the place to meet and the time, and always specify, “coffee,’ whether he or she drinks it or not. Optional: tea. And the man should designate the place if he initiated the date.

2 On the second date, the man should also pay. UNLESS she suggests a pricey outing. If that’s the case, I feel the man needs to step forward and say something like, “That’s a bit out of my budget. I just paid my daughter’s Harvard University tuition and I’m on a tight budget now” (or some similar flimsy excuse).

3 If two seniors become a couple, on the third date and going forward, a discussion on “Who Pays?” needs to happen soon. This is where love, understanding, caring, and sharing enter the picture. Communication takes over, a key to senior relationship success.

4 When the woman is more comfortable financially than the man, they need to lay the cards on the table and work out an amenable arrangement. This is where fairness and a willingness to compromise enter the scene. And that may enhance the longevity of the senior relationship.

5 If he always pays, she can equalize things by cooking him dinner at home.

Link to Smashwords, the eBook bookstore:

Link to Who Pays for the senior date?